00:01Now Ray's still out of town covering the Yankees.
00:04Yeah, I know. He's gone for four days and he's 16 minutes late.
00:10Hey!
00:12Grab that Ray!
00:16Where's my present?
00:17Oh, Al, get off there. Get down.
00:21Matthew wants Moe!
00:23Okay, Matthew.
00:23Oh, we got a clean up aisle, too.
00:25All right, let's go.
00:27Ow!
00:31Well, he's done.
00:34And Matthew's done.
00:36And Allie's done.
00:41Okay.
00:43Cookies.
00:45Cookies.
00:46And cookies.
00:47Cookies.
00:54Hi, honey.
00:56Hi.
01:02Hi, I'm Ray.
01:03I live here in Long Island.
01:05With my wife, Deborah, my five-year-old daughter, and twin almost two-year-old boys.
01:11My parents live across the street.
01:14That's right.
01:16Truth is, I'd do anything for my family.
01:21And done.
01:24Oh, no.
01:28Deborah!
01:30Honey!
01:32Somebody!
01:33Call my father!
01:35I'm hyperventilated!
01:41Oh, honey.
01:43I don't know how I survived four days by myself.
01:45I know, I know.
01:47Hey, nobody hates going on the road more than me.
01:50It's miserable for me out there.
01:52Yeah.
01:52Hey, look at this.
01:54Cal Ripken signed my hat.
01:55Oh, that's great.
01:56Look at this.
01:57Gregory spit up on my shirt.
02:00I'm not trading.
02:01Okay.
02:03Just be happy you made it home for my birthday.
02:05That's all I can say.
02:06Oh, what?
02:06Of course I made it home for your birthday.
02:08Oh, okay.
02:08Are you kidding?
02:09Your birthday?
02:10Sunday.
02:11That's right.
02:12Big party.
02:13And how old am I going to be?
02:15I know that.
02:16Ray?
02:17How old?
02:18All right.
02:19All right.
02:20I just have to backtrack.
02:22Let's see.
02:23When I proposed you were 23, you said no.
02:27Right.
02:28Then I proposed you were 24.
02:31No again.
02:32No again.
02:33Right.
02:34Then I took a year off to regroup.
02:36Yep.
02:36Then I came back with a job.
02:39Boom.
02:39Married.
02:41That would make you 32.
02:46Ish.
02:47All right.
02:47I'll accept that.
02:48Because, oh, big party.
02:50No, you know what?
02:51I don't want the party.
02:52I just want a nice day at home with my favorite husband and my kids.
02:56Okay?
02:56Okay.
02:57And I guess my parents and my brother too, right?
03:02My parents and my brother?
03:05What?
03:06Ray, it's just that, look, you know, I love them.
03:10They're my family too.
03:12But I was wondering if perhaps we wouldn't have them over on Sunday.
03:18Well, why not?
03:18Well, it's just, you know, honey, every day that you were gone, they dropped by.
03:23And then your dad is always waking up the kids and now they don't even call first.
03:27Well, they live across the street.
03:29Why should they call?
03:29It's quicker just to come by.
03:31I know.
03:33It's like we're on the way.
03:35No, no, no.
03:35We are the way.
03:37We are where they're going.
03:38You see?
03:39Now you're exaggerating a little.
03:41Hi.
03:41You're home.
03:43Hi, Rob.
03:44Hi.
03:45I saw your car pull up before.
03:47You didn't call.
03:50Hi, Deborah.
03:51I brought you some baking soda for your fridge.
03:53I smelled something questionable.
03:57From across the street?
03:58No.
03:59When I was here yesterday.
04:04Ooh, it's worse.
04:07Okay.
04:07All right.
04:08Okay.
04:08All right.
04:09Ma, listen, Ma, we can buy our own baking soda.
04:11I know, sweetie, but you don't.
04:14What have we here?
04:16Oh, I'll get you some club soda for that too.
04:19Oh, Ma, we have club soda, Ma.
04:21No, your father finished it.
04:22I'll see you later.
04:23Yeah.
04:28Oh, it comes from love.
04:33Look, if you want, maybe I'll talk to my father about it.
04:36Well, while you're talking to him, would you mind mentioning the answering machine?
04:41Is he playing back the messages again?
04:43I changed the code.
04:44Well, he cracked it.
04:47Everyone's doing good.
04:48And, Deborah, you ought to call Linda back.
04:50She sounds like she had a very interesting visit to the gyno.
04:55That's funny.
04:58That's, you know, it's not for everybody.
05:00Okay?
05:02Look, he's fooling around.
05:03That's what he does.
05:04He's like one of those guys.
05:06What do you call him?
05:08An idiot.
05:10But do I have to bring your brother over?
05:12Well, my brother lives with them.
05:14He doesn't like staying alone.
05:15He's 40, Ray.
05:18Come on.
05:19He loves the kids.
05:20It's just like the way Robert eats.
05:24You know, the way he has to touch every bite to his chin before he puts it in his mouth.
05:27That's weird.
05:29What?
05:29That's an idiosyncrasy.
05:31It's like when he's counting and he gets to the number 12 and he has to take his shoes off.
05:36Everybody has those.
05:38How did he ever become a police sergeant?
05:40Because he's a good cop and they didn't make him count.
05:44Or he.
05:46I don't know, Ray.
05:47It's just that it's, you know, every day.
05:50And between them and the kids, I just feel...
05:54Lucky?
05:54Wait.
05:55All right.
05:56Look, I'm...
05:57All right, I'm home now.
05:58Maybe you need a break.
05:59I'll tell you, why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow night?
06:01Why don't you leave the kids with your parents?
06:02No.
06:03I'll do the kids.
06:04Oh.
06:06I can't do that.
06:08Oh, hey.
06:09How about the time you went to your aunt's for three days?
06:11I took the kids with me.
06:13Yeah, but I fed myself.
06:17All right, which one's Gregory?
06:19That one.
06:20Yeah?
06:20This one's Matthew?
06:22Uh-huh.
06:23You sure about that?
06:24Uh-huh.
06:25All right.
06:25Now, we shuffle him.
06:28Over here.
06:30Just him like this.
06:33Give him a flippity floo.
06:36And over here.
06:39He goes back over here.
06:41Keeping your eye on him.
06:42Okay.
06:45Where's Gregory?
06:46Uh-huh.
06:49Come on.
06:50It's easy.
06:51Which one's Gregory?
06:54Okay.
06:55Don't tell your mother about this.
06:59Hey!
07:00Neo!
07:02Come on.
07:04Hey!
07:06Neo!
07:08Hey, Squirt.
07:09How you doing?
07:11Hey, Ray.
07:11Welcome back, man.
07:12Hey.
07:13What's going on?
07:13Look at this.
07:14I've been working on this.
07:16I found a way where I can exercise and watch these guys at the same time.
07:21These are twin flies.
07:29You know what's great about this is that every week the weight naturally increases.
07:36Hey, Ray.
07:37Hey.
07:37Ray.
07:38Come on.
07:39Keep it down, Leo.
07:40Just got him to sleep.
07:41I'm sorry.
07:42Hey.
07:43Wanna go over to Nemo's and get a slice?
07:44Leo.
07:45My kids aren't fish.
07:46Okay?
07:50You can't just sprinkle food over the crib and leave.
07:55Call your mother.
07:56Oh, I can't.
07:58Debra's got this thing about them coming over too much lately.
08:00I got the club soda.
08:04Hey, Leo.
08:05Hi.
08:06Hey, Ms. B.
08:07How you doing?
08:09Ms. B.
08:10Yeah.
08:10Would you mind maybe sitting with the kids for a little bit while Rayman and I went out and got
08:12some pizza now?
08:13No.
08:14No.
08:14Not at all.
08:15But where's Debra?
08:17She went to the movies with Linda.
08:19The movies?
08:20Yes.
08:21Some people get to live it up.
08:23Go ahead.
08:24You guys.
08:25Go ahead.
08:25Go.
08:25Get your pizza.
08:26You deserve it.
08:27You rock, Mrs. B.
08:29Come on.
08:30Let's go.
08:31No.
08:32No.
08:33No.
08:34No.
08:34Listen, Debra doesn't want me to leave them without me.
08:39You're leaving them with me?
08:40I know.
08:41They're sleeping.
08:41Go on.
08:42Go with your friend.
08:43Well, I want to, but I can't.
08:45Yeah, we know.
08:45You're worried.
08:45You're concerned.
08:46We're all crime buckets here.
08:46Come on.
08:47Let's go.
08:48All right.
08:49It's 8.30.
08:49One hour.
08:50We've got one hour.
08:50Would you go?
08:52Come on.
08:52You're insulting me.
08:53I raised you, didn't I?
08:55Oh, God, you raised me.
08:57Oh, God, you raised me.
09:12Hey.
09:13Oh, Brian Robbie.
09:14You scared me.
09:16You don't leave a note.
09:17You just leave.
09:18We're looking all over for you.
09:20Where'd you look?
09:21We thought we'd start here.
09:27Where are the kids?
09:28Oh, no.
09:29They're sleeping.
09:30They're sleeping.
09:30Hey, I just want to see them.
09:31Come on.
09:31It's early.
09:32I just want to see the kids.
09:33They can sleep when we go.
09:34No.
09:35No, no, no.
09:36You want to see something?
09:37Huh?
09:38$120 receipt from Victoria's Secrets.
09:42Holy crap.
09:45What the hell's a bustier?
09:53Where did he get this?
09:56Oh, that's an award your brother got for his sports column.
10:00Never ends for Raymond.
10:02Oh, poor Robbie.
10:04Everybody loves Raymond.
10:08I go to work, people shoot at me.
10:11When he goes to work, people do the wave.
10:14When he sits down, has a hot dog, doodles on a piece of paper, they give him a trophy.
10:22To tell you the truth, I think that Raymond is wasting his life writing sports.
10:27I mean, a writer should be writing short stories and poetry.
10:31You think I'm wasting my life?
10:38Well, it's different with you, dear.
10:43Look who's on!
10:45Look who's on!
10:46Look who's on!
10:49Look who's on!
10:59Oh, no, no, no.
11:02Hey Ray, you want to watch the game?
11:04Oh, no.
11:05What are you doing, everybody?
11:07Deborah's going to be...
11:08Okay.
11:08All right.
11:09I'm going to ask you quickly and quickly move to your nearest exit.
11:12It's the fourth quarter.
11:13Dad, please.
11:14Buckle up and go.
11:19You know, when somebody does you a favor, you're supposed to say thank you.
11:24Thank you, Mom and Dad.
11:25You're wonderful grandparents.
11:26You're not evil at all.
11:29Let me just smell their heads once more.
11:31Dad, please.
11:32Please, Dad.
11:33It's the fountain of youth.
11:35I'm sucking in that youth.
11:37I'm begging you.
11:38I'm begging you, let go of their heads.
11:39Let go of their heads.
11:40I'll give you money.
11:41Do you want the money?
11:42Hey, save your money.
11:43You're going to need it.
11:44Victoria's not a secret anymore.
11:47We'll see you Sunday at Deborah's party.
11:49Okay.
11:49Thanks again.
11:50Thanks again, Ma.
11:53Nice trophy.
12:00Hey.
12:01Hey.
12:02Hey, I was just checking the kids.
12:04Oh, great.
12:05Still sleeping like logs.
12:09Oh, my gosh.
12:11Look at this place.
12:12What?
12:14It's spotless.
12:16You cleaned up for me.
12:18Well, you're not the maid.
12:20Oh, Ray.
12:21Oh, you're so wonderful.
12:24Hey, listen.
12:25I'm just going to look at the kids real quick, okay?
12:26Okay.
12:34I think I'm having sex.
12:40Oh, good old sex.
12:44Oh.
12:46Oh.
12:47Oh, I'm going to do new stuff.
12:52Hi, honey.
12:54Uh, Ray.
12:57What?
12:58Why do the boys' heads smell like Old Spice?
13:03What?
13:06Your father was here.
13:08Sucking the youth out of their heads again, huh?
13:12And your brother was here, too.
13:14Just found this fruit loop on Matthew's chin.
13:19Are you going to tell me what happened here tonight, Ray, or do I have to call your parents?
13:23No, no, no, no, no, no, please, please, no, no, no.
13:25Don't call the parents.
13:26No.
13:27Okay.
13:28Okay.
13:28Okay.
13:29I put him to sleep.
13:30Yeah.
13:30And then my mother came over, and then I went out with Leo.
13:33What?
13:34Hi.
13:34You left the kids with your mom?
13:36No.
13:37My father and brother were here, too.
13:39Oh, what?
13:39And I got rid of them.
13:40I got rid of them, and then I did some cleaning.
13:42How do you notice the cleaning down there?
13:45Okay.
13:45Why did they have to be here?
13:46What was so important that you had to go out for?
13:50Pizza.
13:52Pizza?
13:53Pizza.
13:53Did you see the mess?
13:55You should have seen it.
13:56They woke the kids up.
13:57What?
13:58Ray.
13:58Oh, the pizza wasn't even good.
14:02You told me that you were going to stay and watch the kids.
14:06I know.
14:06I know, but...
14:07But what?
14:08But what, Ray?
14:09I know.
14:10One thing.
14:11Your folks are not coming over on Sunday.
14:14That is my birthday, and I should be allowed one day of peace without them.
14:18And you know what?
14:18I want you to call them and tell them that that's what we want, because they need to get
14:22the message that we have our own lives and we're entitled to a little privacy.
14:26You're right.
14:26You're right.
14:27You're absolutely right.
14:29So you'll tell them?
14:29I can't do that.
14:32What is this hold they have on you?
14:35I'm just asking you for me.
14:38Please, can we celebrate my birthday alone?
14:42I can't uninvite them.
14:44You can't.
14:48Well then, maybe I won't be there.
14:51Oh, stop it.
14:52Don't.
14:52Don't.
14:53Don't sleep on the couch.
14:55I just cleaned down there.
15:09Oh, Raymond.
15:11Come in, honey.
15:12Your brother's working and your father's out buying one of those balls for your toilet.
15:17So I got the whole house to myself.
15:20Is that my large fork?
15:21Yeah, yeah, it is.
15:22It is.
15:22That's why I came by here.
15:24I wanted to return this.
15:25Oh, well, I didn't want to say anything, but that happens to be a very good fork.
15:29I know.
15:31That's why it took so long.
15:32I love it.
15:36Listen, Ma, I wanted to talk to you about Deborah's birthday.
15:39Oh, my God, talk about birthdays.
15:41Your birthday gift to me finally came this morning.
15:44And did you know you sent me a box of pears?
15:47Yeah, yeah.
15:47From a place called Fruit of the Month?
15:49That's right, that's right.
15:50How are they?
15:50Oh, they're very nice pears.
15:53But there's so many of them.
15:55They're over a dozen pears.
15:58What am I supposed to do with all those pears?
16:00I think you're supposed to eat them, Ma.
16:03Myself?
16:03You.
16:04You and Dad and Robert.
16:05How many pears can Robert eat?
16:08Look, I appreciate the thought, Raymond, but please, don't ever send us any more food
16:12again, okay?
16:13Thanks.
16:14Well, another box is coming next month.
16:17What?
16:18More pears?
16:19No.
16:20No, it's a different fruit every month.
16:23Every month?
16:24Yes, yes, that's why they call it Fruit of the Month Club.
16:27It's a club?
16:28Oh, my God.
16:29What do I have to do with all this fruit?
16:30Well, most people like it, Ma.
16:32You share it.
16:33Share it with all your friends.
16:34Which friends?
16:35I don't know.
16:36Lean and Stan.
16:37Lean and Stan buy their own fruit.
16:39Give it away.
16:40Oh, my God.
16:40Why did you throw this for me?
16:42Oh, my God.
16:43I can't talk.
16:44There's too much fruit in the house.
16:45Oh, what is happening?
16:50I'm sorry, Ma.
16:52Hey, Marie.
16:53Oh, Ray.
16:55Do you know that the fruit keeps coming month after month?
16:59He's got us in some kind of a cult.
17:02It's not a cult, Ma.
17:03It's a club.
17:05What do you mean month after month?
17:07For how long?
17:12A year.
17:13I got it.
17:14Are you out of your mind?
17:16It's all right.
17:17I'm so sorry, Dad.
17:19What do you think we are?
17:20Invalids?
17:21We can't go out and get our own fruit?
17:24I'm trying to tell them.
17:25All right.
17:26I'm canceling the fruit club.
17:28Oh, good.
17:29Thank you, Ray.
17:31And don't do that again.
17:32Like we don't have enough problems.
17:34All right.
17:35Okay, listen.
17:36Listen, I got to talk about the party.
17:37Oh, the party.
17:38Yes.
17:38Yes.
17:39Yes.
17:39Look, I was thinking, there isn't going to be a party.
17:45Who's dead?
17:46Nobody's dead, Dad.
17:47We're just, we're not going to have a party.
17:49You've got to have a party.
17:50I baked.
17:50I never heard of such a party.
17:51We're not having a party because, because I'm surprising Deborah.
17:55I'm taking her to Bear Mountain.
18:01Bear Mountain.
18:02Yeah, that's right.
18:03I want to do something special for her.
18:04This is a surprise, all right?
18:05So you can't go telling her or anything.
18:07All right?
18:08So thank you very much.
18:09Okay, wait.
18:09Just one minute now.
18:10Here.
18:11Wait.
18:12It's a long trip to Bear Mountain.
18:14Take fruit.
18:15Okay.
18:15Thanks.
18:16Hey.
18:17Hey.
18:18Hey.
18:21Raymond gets the pears too.
18:27They all went down for a nap.
18:29Woo!
18:30This is over the top.
18:31It's the best birthday I have ever had.
18:32Oh, hey, hey, hey.
18:33What are you doing?
18:34What are you doing?
18:34No, no, no.
18:34It's lighting in the light.
18:35It's beautiful.
18:35It's still your birthday though.
18:36We want to have a nice, cozy birthday.
18:40Huh?
18:41Isn't that cozy?
18:43I know what you're up to.
18:45Do you do?
18:46Yeah.
18:46Come here.
18:47Go here.
18:48Oh, yeah.
18:48This is what I'm up to.
18:52Yeah.
18:53I thought this only happened on my birthday.
18:57Oh, Ray, I'm so glad you set your parents straight, huh?
19:01Doesn't it feel good to be honest with them?
19:03It does.
19:03It does feel good.
19:04Not as good as this, though.
19:07You're 100% right.
19:08I don't know what I was afraid of.
19:09Yeah.
19:14What are you doing here?
19:16What are you doing here?
19:17We live here.
19:18We thought you were in Bear Mountain.
19:21We were in Mountain.
19:21Who told you that?
19:23Raymond.
19:27You want to holster the weapon?
19:33Well?
19:38Okay, I lied.
19:39I lied.
19:40I lied.
19:40I lied to everybody.
19:42I was trying to make everybody happy.
19:44Nice job.
19:47Oh, I think I should have known better.
19:48Why?
19:49Especially with my parents.
19:50The only people who treat a box of fruit like it's plutonium.
19:56I chickened out.
19:57I made a mistake.
19:57I chickened out.
19:59All right.
20:00Look.
20:01The truth is, Deborah wanted us to have a date with you.
20:03We hate ourselves.
20:04And me, too.
20:05Me, too.
20:06But Deborah's the one.
20:08She's got it...
20:10No, she's...
20:11She's got it very hard around here.
20:13Though she's never said that to me.
20:15I've noticed it.
20:19Like, Dad.
20:21You know, I know you try to be funny, but...
20:23Like with the twins.
20:25Maybe you shouldn't say,
20:27I think little Matthew has homosexual tendencies.
20:34And, Ma, you can't be so critical.
20:36And if you're gonna be critical,
20:37could you please call before you come over here, really,
20:40so we could be ready for it?
20:41Both of you.
20:42Could you both call?
20:43We have to prepare.
20:44There's bills and receipts we hide,
20:46and then we chant a little.
20:51Now, listen.
20:52We...
20:52We love you both,
20:54but this is our house,
20:55and Deborah's my wife.
20:56And if you can't accept what I'm telling you...
21:01Well...
21:01And you can't come over here anymore.
21:04Unless you call first.
21:11That's it.
21:11I think I did it all, right?
21:12Well, it has nothing to do with me.
21:14I just...
21:19Oh, yeah, Robert.
21:20Could you try not to eat near the kids?
21:29You know, if you just wanted a day to yourself,
21:32all you had to do is say so.
21:33We'd understand.
21:35Of course we'd understand.
21:37What's not to understand?
21:39When did he get so sensitive?
21:40He's a writer.
21:44Happy birthday.
21:55I'm...
21:56I'm shaking.
21:57Oh, honey, you were great.
21:58You were just great.
21:59Yeah.
22:00Oh, come here.
22:01Come here.
22:02Hey, maybe you should put on that bustier.
22:08What are you doing?
22:09Shut up.
22:10Oh, okay.
22:11We'll try again on my birthday.
22:13Okay.
22:19Look at our boys.
22:20Pretty cute, huh?
22:22Yeah, they are.
22:23They are.
22:24But, you know, I just...
22:24I hope they stay cute.
22:27What?
22:27Well, see, I've been thinking,
22:29that's the danger of identical twins.
22:31They're cute now because they're babies,
22:34but when they become adults,
22:36even if they're slightly ugly,
22:38that's gonna be magnified.
22:43Because, you know, you think,
22:44if you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room,
22:47that's no big deal.
22:48If you see the same ugliness right behind him,
22:51yeah, that you're gonna notice.
22:54You're gonna...
22:54Well, hey, I didn't think he was that ugly
22:57until I saw it again.
23:29Yeah.
23:30Yeah.
23:31Yeah.
23:32Yeah.
23:32Yeah.
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