- 29 minutes ago
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00:06hey hey you know I almost died today really that's what you say when I tell you almost died
00:15what am I supposed to say oh my god Ray are you all right what happened I'm in the press
00:23box right I'm watching the game yeah and I'm eating a soft pretzel but these pretzels they
00:29have they're not moist you know they're bigger than the other ones but they're very dry anyway
00:34the salt doesn't stick to them it just falls everywhere my god are you okay
00:43you're gonna mock you're just gonna all right I'm sorry so the salt didn't stay on your pretzel yes
00:51right so I'm bending down to wipe the salt off my shirt and bam a foul ball comes flying into
01:01the
01:01booth it came this close to hitting me yeah yeah I felt its wind and then I turn and Andy
01:09who just
01:09got a turkey and cheese sandwich and the ball knocks it off his tray the soda pickles chips chocolate cake
01:16everything you could chocolate cake in the press box it was Friday we get a different cake every
01:23Friday but missing the point the point of all bounced into your world and disturbed paradise yeah but the
01:31ball doesn't just bounce in there okay you don't know what it's like when a foul ball comes at you
01:34don't children catch them yeah they they catch the ones that come oh look ballie ooh but this one came
01:44in
01:44ready to roll at the last minute it's a chocolate cake yeah all right make fun okay when uh when
01:56the ball does
01:57take my head off maybe you won't be so mockulatory hey listen honey can you be home by six tonight
02:13I made an
02:14appointment with an attorney well nine years I had seven in the pool he's meeting with us about our
02:31wills wills no no no I do not want to will it's bad luck look you've been putting this off
02:38for years
02:39okay and I would think you'd want to be prepared especially after your near-death experience
02:46your death I was going for pity sex
02:51you know I don't understand you I mean you were fine when we did the life insurance insurance is
02:56too dull to be scary by the way how much do you get if I die 800,000 that was
03:04a little fast
03:08yeah your social security number you got to look that up with that number oh yeah right there right
03:15on the tip of your tongue well wanted me to tell you she's making frittatas Robert you have a will
03:22right why what did you hear is that why mom's making frittatas oh Ray and I were talking about
03:31wills and he doesn't want to make one oh why not because he thinks it's gonna tempt fate no no
03:36no
03:36silly if you don't have a will you're tempting fate I don't need a will I'm gonna live forever man
03:42oh
03:53I don't know oh Raymond listen to me you need to have a will I need a fibrous breakfast every
03:59morning and nothing can touch you you're right oh oh that's what convinces you I've been talking to
04:08you about this for six years you didn't fall in a manhole he knows how to get through to me
04:14see if
04:15you can get him to floss whatever you need that's it all right we're doing a will I'm loading up
04:24on
04:25fiber and you're out 800 large all right this all looks good we should put something in there that
04:36if I die you can't marry another man named Ray excuse me well because eventually everyone would call him
04:48Ray and me dead Ray I don't think I just ignore him all righty now all that remains is the
05:01issue of
05:02we should be granted guardianship of the children what do you mean well guardianship in the event that
05:08both of you die at the same time Wow party pooper I guess that would be my parents Frank and
05:19right
05:19I don't know if they're really the best choice I mean they're over here all the time anyway right
05:28they know where everything is just because they're convenient doesn't mean they're the right choice you
05:35want your parents that's not exactly a kid-friendly house all the pointy metal sculptures and your
05:42father you know we have to discuss this discuss here we go hey maybe better take us off the meter
05:58take your time it doesn't have to be a relative no no I mean it's just the character of the
06:06couple is
06:06what's important you know what are their values are they loving are they patient are they honest if we
06:12find people like that we should give them the children right now you know what we don't have to
06:23complete this now once you two get this ironed out you can just call me with the name okay we'll
06:30probably call you tomorrow plus we die before then in which case you get them hope you got a sofa
06:36bed
06:41I think he likes me yeah
06:46come on we gotta we gotta think about this though we gotta think about this who are we gonna get
06:50huh
06:51well I don't know I hate everyone yeah see me too oh wait wait wait what about Bernie and Linda
06:57huh they just had a baby yeah exactly so why would they want more look they'll be experienced parents
07:03and we love them yeah I guess they're good and Bernie always has candy in his pocket they should
07:11definitely be the ones all right okay so we're settled yeah so it's Bernie and Linda we have a will
07:19and you're still alive yes we didn't displease any of your vengeful gods huh ideas I saw you had some
07:31store-bought pudding and I thought the children might want to try something homemade thank you very much
07:39okay attorney at law what's the matter nothing are there marital problems
07:50no we were just baking out our wills Marie oh good for you honey good see that shows a lot
07:59of foresight
08:00Raymond yep and isn't it good to just get it all out of the way and know that everything now
08:05is under
08:05control and you'll never have to worry about the children yep Marie yeah we decided that Bernie and
08:21Linda are going to be their guardians thanks for the pudding you're leaving the children to strangers
08:46ma Bernie and Linda aren't strangers we just you don't know me any explanation
08:53they're your children it's your life isn't it that's been the dream
09:04I don't want to keep you I just came over to try to you know help
09:11ma if Bernie and Linda drop dead you're on deck
09:17well thank you oh and and that's for the children tell them it's from a friend
09:27you know actually this could be a good lesson for me to learn to be content with what is and
09:34not to hope
09:34for what could be so what could be so what could be is us dying and you raising our children
09:40well
09:41not anymore I saw a pudding skin in the sink
09:50apparently you and I are not fit parents I still want pudding
09:59oh and you you're not up to their standards either I know what are we talking about we had to
10:07pick
10:07guardians for the kids and it's not us no okay well you wouldn't have wanted the kids would you
10:19I wasn't even asked well Robert we just you know who'd you pick Linda and Bernie Grunfelder Bernie
10:31Grunfelder let's see a chubby jet ski salesman versus a blood-related protector of the people
10:38oh well that's a no-brainer
10:45where's the whipped cream
10:48Marie please try to understand I understand you prefer to give your children to gypsies instead
10:54of me ah cheer up Marie we just dodged three screaming bullets hey did he take the pudding hey pudding
11:05I know what it is it's your father isn't it now listen to me if you were to god forbid
11:19and I get the
11:21children I'm willing to leave him
11:33she's just a little angel yeah when she's sleeping oh you should hear the set of lungs
11:39on her really oh yeah when she's unhappy you know it yeah babies are loud you know
11:48who's quiet though the older kids yeah well your kids are great yeah yeah they are so Linda mother
11:59really agrees with you you look fantastic thank you I'm wearing more makeup than a drag queen
12:07and nursing bras are they as horrible as they used to be oh they're very complicated
12:15that's another good thing about the older kids forget about the brass you feed them right out of the
12:19the fridge great please well you do
12:25was that an awake sound or a sleep sound oh I don't know just write down sound at 707
12:39that's from one of the books I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you write it
12:54down 708 having fun
13:00you want to help me in the kitchen right yeah all right get away from me oh boy
13:05thanks all right
13:09what is the matter with you nothing it's just kids are ruining it
13:15we're ruining it we're not trying to sell them a used car
13:19maybe we should throw in the car would you just act normal huh let's just let's just get it over
13:27with and ask them okay okay okay how you gonna ask I don't know I can't rehearse it well you
13:34can't
13:34just say hey when we die and you go to the funeral bring the minivan oh hello I noticed you
13:46had
13:46company well what do you know it isn't Bernie and Linda Grunfelder they're just over for dinner oh
13:56just dinner I don't think so why is your shirt tucked into that Raymond this is no ordinary dinner
14:05you're giving away the children aren't you don't make a big deal how could you choose them over me I'm
14:14family we love you Robert but there's a lot of factors okay we put a great deal of thought into
14:19this you're single and you have a dangerous job and if you were to drop one of them it's very
14:28very far
14:39and also most importantly you have no respect for me as a human being oh that is not true look
14:45you
14:45know what it's none of my business okay Ali Michael and Jeffrey Grunfelder oh rolls right off the tongue
14:54I thought I'd leave via the front door or is that just for fit guardians
14:59she is adorable
15:07Marie what are you doing here oh well I saw a strange car parked in the driveway and I thought
15:12something might be wrong
15:14yeah okay uh if you don't mind we'd like to spend the evening alone with Linda and Bernie tonight
15:19well I just came over to see the baby you know how I love children
15:26look here's one of yours now why don't you go put them down
15:31it's okay Ray Madeline I'd like to introduce you to Mrs. Barone the books say not to use baby talk
15:39oh your book parents
15:43hurry yeah you know the books are great but there's a lot of stuff you could learn from experience you
15:47just can't get from the books oh yeah oh yeah a lot of emergency situation stuff Ray Robert yeah
15:52let's say um your child or a child in your care has put a cocoa puff up his nose
16:01cocoa puff oh that's an interesting question Robbie what would you do they do the right thing
16:09coffee yeah anyone want coffee I'd love some um stuck cocoa puff it's a quandary
16:20coffee does that really happen oh yes it happens doesn't it Raymond happened to me when I was eight
16:31and ten so what would you do dear tweezers absolutely never emergency room nope all right stop you crunch
16:52crunch and blow
16:52crunch and blow
16:59I am very sure I'm gonna remember that one
17:03yeah okay that was great give me another
17:07all right let's say you're driving your seven-year-old to school and she keeps turning the radio louder and
17:12louder while you're driving what would you do
17:14yeah tell her to stop in a firm but loving matter no Linda
17:24ignore it
17:26excuse me
17:29you let her turn it up loud and then she'll she'll realize how unpleasant that is and then then she'll
17:38turn it off herself
17:40huh an excellent answer if you could explain what a seven-year-old is doing in the front seat to
17:46begin with
17:57my my my my
18:01okay all right uh you can leave now you've ruined everything
18:04ruin it I've been trying to help
18:06well you're a maniac go
18:08by the way I couldn't help but notice that your infant car seat was positioned improperly
18:15have a good evening
18:20hey dinner and a show
18:24sorry about them but actually we did ask you over here for a reason now maybe we should get really
18:32hammered first
18:35you know Ray and I were talking about our wills and well we just think you're great parents and we
18:43were wondering if you would want to be the guardians of our kids if anything should happen to us and
18:48just so you know we're not planning anything
18:52oh that is so beautiful
18:56wow
18:58this is big
18:59oh we love ally Michael and Jeffrey we love all of you we love you too that's why we thought
19:06of you boy
19:10I don't think so
19:15what
19:15what I mean we're so flattered but
19:24your family's nuts
19:28yeah there's a nothing in the books about that
19:39maybe you want to think it over
19:41no I'm sorry
19:45you know if there's an accident that takes them out at the same time as you
19:48maybe
19:51that's okay
19:52that's okay
19:53I feel just terrible
19:55oh no
19:56no that's okay believe me I understand
19:58yeah
19:58I understand
20:07you
20:17mm-hmm
20:25well we should get that
20:27all
20:29Oh, listen, I got some candy for Allie and the twins here.
20:32Oh, okay, good. Thanks. Thanks for that.
20:35Yeah, it's good to see you.
20:38Hey, I hear you're getting the kids. Congratulations.
20:41Now, Dad, it's not really gonna work out, so...
20:44What do you mean? These are really great kids.
20:46It's all right, Dad. It's okay.
20:48All right, you'll see. Good night.
20:50Good night.
20:51How did you get out of it?
21:03The Wallaces.
21:05No. Their house smells like feet.
21:09Well, that's it, because we've gone through everybody.
21:13How about the Zs?
21:14Bronx Zoo.
21:18I saw that documentary, the kid that was raised by wolves.
21:24Right?
21:26He's a dentist now.
21:35No, there's gotta be someone, you know?
21:37Someone else.
21:40Oh, please, someone.
21:43You could always do cold calling.
21:48Looks like the kids are stuck with your parents.
21:55I will say this about your father.
21:57He is a happy drunk.
22:00I will say this about your parents.
22:00I will say this about your parents.
22:00I will say this about your parents.
22:00I will say this about your parents.
22:01I will say this about your parents.
22:02I will say this about your parents.
22:04I will say this about your parents.
22:06I will say this about your parents.
22:12I will say this about your parents.
22:15I will say this about your parents.
22:15I will say this about your parents.
22:16I will say this about your parents.
22:16I will say this about your parents.
22:16I will say this about your parents.
22:17I will say this about your parents.
22:18I will say this about your parents.
22:18And I will say this about your parents.
22:20I will say this about your parents.
22:23I will say this about your parents.
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