- 16 minutes ago
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FunTranscript
00:04I've never seen this place so crowded.
00:06Yeah, ever since Margaret took over,
00:07the food is supposed to be unbelievable.
00:09Oh, thanks.
00:11Does that Stefania?
00:12No.
00:13Which one is she?
00:14Amy.
00:15You know, maybe we should eat somewhere else.
00:17There's plenty of other restaurants
00:18where Robert's ex-girlfriends don't work.
00:21No, no, no.
00:22She took my boyfriend.
00:22Now she can take my order.
00:25No, but I just don't get...
00:27Oh, my God.
00:29How is this so good?
00:32It's just a breadstick.
00:34You've got to taste this.
00:35No, no, I'm not going to eat.
00:36I want to be thin when I see her.
00:39Listen.
00:40Relax.
00:41I've seen Stefania.
00:42She's nothing.
00:43You are beautiful.
00:45Yeah.
00:47Hello, Debra.
00:48Oh, hello.
00:49I am Stefania.
01:10Nothing.
01:13Nothing.
01:20You're Stefania?
01:22Si.
01:23And you are?
01:25I'm Amy.
01:27Robert's other ex-girlfriend.
01:30Or as I'll be known from now on,
01:32the plain one.
01:37You were also Roberto's girlfriend?
01:39As a matter of fact,
01:40pretty much at the same time you were.
01:42You know, I was looking at your red wines.
01:44Which Chianti would arrive the soonest?
01:46But Roberto did not ever speak of you.
01:49Yeah, he was good like that.
01:52If I had known,
01:54non basta que mi amulato de a sus copro
01:56que ché un otra dona bastardo.
02:00I'm not sure what you said,
02:02but I like how it ended.
02:05I am so, so sorry to you.
02:09You must hate me forever.
02:12Oh, no.
02:13There's no need to apologize.
02:15I'm not really mad at you.
02:17Yeah, that's right.
02:18Because Robert's the problem here.
02:20But he's out of both of your lives now.
02:22We are both very lucky women.
02:25Amen to that.
02:27Hey, Mr. Folganiolo.
02:29Is my pizza ready?
02:30It's ready when I say it's ready.
02:36That's a good policy.
02:38Oh, look.
02:39There's my little bastardo.
02:45Hey!
02:45Hi!
02:46Hi, Ben!
02:50Oh, everything, uh, okay?
02:53What do you mean?
02:54Oh, just, you know,
02:57just surprised to see you two hobnobbing.
03:01Actually, we have a lot in common.
03:03We both hate your brother!
03:06Oh, oh, that's nice.
03:08Hey, did Robert ever take you to the movies?
03:10Uh, yes.
03:11That's fun, isn't it?
03:14All his little rules.
03:16Shh!
03:17No talking!
03:18Movie!
03:19No talking!
03:22I don't like to share my good and plenty.
03:24He's like an idiot.
03:28Hey, hey, hey, that's, uh, that's a little rough, isn't it?
03:31He happens to be right about the talking.
03:33It's very rude.
03:35Now he's ready.
03:36Papa, listen to this.
03:38Roberto used me to cheat on this nice lady.
03:47He tells me he'll break up with Stefania
03:50because he know like girls.
03:54Americans.
04:00Americans.
04:06Your brother, he is no good.
04:11Bastardo.
04:14He's the one I like.
04:17She's for free.
04:21Okay, Ray, you can go now.
04:22We want to talk about Robert some more.
04:25You know what you need?
04:26You need a big black pot that you can all stir.
04:30Hey, wait, are you taking that back to eat with Robert?
04:34I think what I do with my pizza is entirely my business, okay?
04:38This pizza's for Roberto.
04:41Hey, stop that!
04:43Stop the sausage, it's mine!
04:45Oh, that's nice.
04:46Oh, very nice.
04:47Very nice.
04:48Look at that.
04:49How about I tell your father about this, huh?
04:51Hey, Marco.
04:54Have a nice day.
05:02Where you been?
05:03We're starving here.
05:04Sorry.
05:05Sorry's not going to bring back your fudge ripple.
05:13Would you flip the car?
05:21What the hell happened?
05:24That's just a little, hi, how are you, from Stefania and Amy.
05:30What?
05:31Stefania and Amy?
05:32That's right.
05:33They're both sitting together at what is now Marco's All-American Pizzeria USA.
05:41And they're ripping into you like Tiny Tim on a Christmas ham.
05:49Oh, my God.
05:51Oh, my God.
05:52Holy crap.
05:55Holy crap.
05:55This is...
05:57Holy crap.
06:01Well, that's just perfect.
06:03Marco has delicious food, and now it's a gathering place for everyone who hates me.
06:08No wonder it got good reviews.
06:15I can't believe how bad my life is.
06:19I'm sorry, man.
06:20I stood up for you.
06:21Oh, my God.
06:22This is holy crap.
06:26He's still up for me.
06:27What?
06:28Yeah.
06:28Oh, come on, Raymond.
06:30If people are trashing me, you're right up front with the baton.
06:34No.
06:36I wasn't trashing.
06:37Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
06:38Okay, listen.
06:39Just the fact that you had to say you stood up for me means that you didn't.
06:42I did.
06:43Huh?
06:43They were insulting you when I told them to stop.
06:46They were insulting you.
06:47He told them to stop.
06:52I did.
06:53Yeah, yeah, sure you did.
06:55What?
06:56You don't believe me?
06:57Good.
06:57Fine.
06:58Maybe you are a bestardo.
07:02What?
07:02Everybody knows it, man.
07:05I'll tell you this.
07:06You better watch out, because Marco now knows you like girls.
07:12You do like girls?
07:15Okay, Dad.
07:17Then why do you walk that way?
07:19Okay.
07:30Hi.
07:32Oh, you startled me.
07:35How are you, Robbie?
07:36Fine.
07:38Actually, terrible.
07:40I'm pathetic, I'm a loser, and everybody hates me.
07:45Could you make me something to eat?
07:48Of course, dear.
07:52Of course, dear.
07:53There you go.
07:54Bye-bye, dear.
07:55Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.
07:57Wait.
07:57What is this?
07:59Oh, don't you like potato chips anymore?
08:01No, I do.
08:03But couldn't you make me something?
08:04I'm really feeling down here.
08:06Oh, I'm sorry, Robbie, but the truth is, see, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
08:11But come back later, and I'll make you a plate.
08:16All right.
08:19Robbie, wait.
08:24All right.
08:25Here.
08:26Come with me.
08:28What's going on?
08:29I think this will be good for you, dear.
08:40Mom!
08:44We've been talking.
08:52Uh.
08:54Um.
08:56Uh.
08:57Say hello, Robbie.
09:01Hello, Amy.
09:03Hello, Stefania.
09:05Hello, Amy and Stefania.
09:07Together in my mother's living room.
09:11Roberto.
09:12Bastardo.
09:18Now, now we have stuffed shells and three bean salads, so why don't you just sit down and help yourself?
09:24Mom, what's going on?
09:25Nothing, dear.
09:26I just...
09:26What's going on, old woman?
09:30I, uh, I know this all seems a little odd.
09:34Odd?
09:35Odd?
09:35How about horrifying beyond belief?
09:39Well, dear, you know, I've always been fond of both Amy and Stefania, and once I heard that they had
09:45met each other, I just...
09:46How'd you find out about that?
09:48Oh, that's all anybody's talking about.
09:50So, so, so, so, so anyway, I just wanted to have a nice, candid conversation about life and romance and
09:56what's wrong with you.
10:03Really?
10:05I wrote out a list.
10:09My spelling not so good.
10:10I do drawings.
10:15You gave them homework?
10:19It's all to help you, dear.
10:20Don't you want to be a better man?
10:23That one's funny.
10:24I gave him tail like donkey.
10:28I mean, it's no secret that you've had relationship troubles, and I just want you to learn from your mistakes.
10:34And now that you're here, it saves me from having to go over it again with you later.
10:41Well, why don't we really save some time? Take that cheese knife and stick it in my neck.
10:46See, his sense of humor is a little dark. Should we start there?
10:50Oh, Robert, hey!
10:52Judy?
10:54Ooh, uniforms off. Give me a drink. Fill my hand with something grand.
10:59But, Ma, why is Judy here? We only work together. She has nothing to do with me not giving you
11:03grandchildren.
11:05I know that. But she spends 60 hours a week with you. She has a lot to bring to the
11:10table.
11:15Good night, everybody.
11:16No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
11:20no, no.
11:20You just sit down. Sit down. Just relax. Relax.
11:28Okay.
11:30Is this everyone, Ma?
11:32What about Jessica Rubel? Remember her? Stood me up for the senior dance?
11:37No, that wasn't her. That was your cousin, Rhonda.
11:42No, Jessica Rubel's the one who pulled your pants down at your school assembly.
11:49All right, so, who wants to begin, huh?
11:51How to make Robbie a better mate.
11:55I'll start.
11:56Well, whenever we'd go out to dinner and we'd order dessert, he'd always say, I'll just have a taste of
12:03yours.
12:04And then it was like a shark attack.
12:07Nothing but a little puddle of fudge left.
12:11Order your own dessert!
12:17Oh, sweetheart, have a cannoli. You stay away from these. Look at her. She's a twig.
12:24Yeah, well, the man does get excited about his food.
12:27But when he goes after mine, I whack his knuckles with my nightstick.
12:33I have something.
12:34Oh, good.
12:35The face. The frowny, frowny face.
12:38He's always, I don't like, I don't want, I don't think.
12:44It is annoying.
12:53Oh, I've seen that face.
12:57Does it look like this?
13:01Yes, and very unpleasant.
13:04I agree with Stefania. Maybe he needs medication.
13:07Whatever you got.
13:11Yes, maybe he's wrong in the head.
13:14That's why he likes to stay home every night and sit on his ugly sofa.
13:19Oh, ladies, let's remember, Robert has a very demanding job.
13:24He does need his downtime.
13:26Thank you, Judy.
13:28But can someone please tell me, what is with that man and onions?
13:32He puts them on everything.
13:35There are other people.
13:39All areas you could be working on, dear.
13:49No, and I'd be willing to put up with all of them if it wasn't for his biggest problem.
13:57His total fear of commitment.
13:59Yes.
14:00Because I believe that may have contributed to our breaking up 29 times.
14:03It wasn't 29...
14:04Let her speak!
14:08I think I love you.
14:09I love you.
14:10I thought I loved you.
14:12I love you.
14:13I think I love you so much.
14:14I love you so much.
14:28I don't want you.
14:29I will care with me.
14:30But the fact is that things just weren't right between you and me.
14:35And you and me.
14:38I apologize to both of you for any hurt feelings that I may have caused, but I hope you believe
14:43me when I tell you that it was never, ever my intention.
14:48All right, Robbie, you don't seem to be helping anymore,
14:51so maybe you should go now.
15:00Fine.
15:02Fine.
15:03I don't know why the hell I even sat down
15:05for this all-you-can-eat character assassination.
15:10And for your information, with regards to the onions,
15:14I happen to have taste buds
15:15that are more sensitive to savory
15:17than sweet Judy.
15:26For some reason, and it's a mystery to me,
15:29I'm the only woman he gets along with.
15:37Hey, don't fill up, Ray.
15:38My meatloaf's almost ready.
15:40Fine.
15:51If an angry mob comes to the door with pitchforks and torches,
15:54it's for me.
15:57What's the matter?
15:59Mom's got Amy and Stefania over there,
16:00and they're all talking about how they're going to fix me.
16:04Well, I'm sure she means well.
16:06What?
16:07I don't know.
16:12You want to stay for dinner?
16:13I'm making meatloaf.
16:14Yeah, thanks, Debra, but I'm not hungry.
16:17Smart move.
16:21I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.
16:35Ah, come on.
16:36Cheer up, man.
16:45Listen.
16:47It doesn't matter what they think over there.
16:49Let me tell you something.
16:51You're a good guy.
16:53Okay.
16:54No, really, don't give up.
16:56The right lady is out there somewhere.
17:00Thanks.
17:01I mean it.
17:04What a load of crap.
17:10What?
17:11The right lady's out there.
17:13Well, guess what?
17:14You're never going to find her.
17:16You know why?
17:16Because you don't want to.
17:17You're alone because that's what you really want.
17:20I believe you're looking for the meeting across the street.
17:31Let me tell you something.
17:33You've created an image of this ideal woman
17:36so that when regular women,
17:37regular, wonderful, real women fall short,
17:40you reject them.
17:42No.
17:42Yes.
17:43Yes, and that way you never have to settle down
17:45and everyone can still feel sorry for poor, lonely you.
17:48Hey, look, I may not be the greatest catch in the world,
17:50but I don't think I should just settle.
17:52I'm not telling you to settle, Robert.
17:56But you're not going to be happy
17:57if every time you discover a flaw in somebody,
17:59you go to somebody else
18:00because that somebody else is going to have her own flaws.
18:02Nobody's perfect.
18:04You are.
18:09What?
18:16Deborah?
18:18My Deborah?
18:21This?
18:24Well, yeah.
18:25I think Deborah's perfect.
18:29Well, you can't have her.
18:32Wait a minute.
18:33What do you mean, wait a minute?
18:35I mean, that was the...
18:37That was so sweet.
18:38And it was just so mean to you.
18:42And I'm not perfect.
18:44Tell him, Ray.
18:46Is this a trap?
18:53I mean, Robert.
18:55Robert, you don't really...
18:56No, no, no, no, no, no.
18:57Wait, wait, wait.
18:58What I meant is that you're perfect for him.
19:01Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's not what you said.
19:04But that's what I meant.
19:06Yeah, but that's not what you said.
19:07Why'd you say that?
19:08I don't know.
19:08I had a rough day.
19:10Yeah, well, I've had rough days.
19:11I never said she was perfect.
19:13So she's not perfect, okay?
19:15So now you don't think she's perfect?
19:16No.
19:17You see that there's lots of things wrong with her now.
19:19Yes.
19:20Like what?
19:20I don't know.
19:21I'm curious.
19:22Tell me.
19:23Tell you what?
19:23Tell me what's wrong with her.
19:25I'm very curious.
19:26All right.
19:27She can be moody and critical.
19:29Oh, we all say that one.
19:32Look, you ask me and that's what I think.
19:34She can be horrible.
19:35Okay.
19:36And here's another thing.
19:37She has one of those eyes that are a little higher than the other.
19:42Oh, yeah, yeah.
19:43Hey.
19:43And I usually, I usually don't care about posture, but she's all...
19:47All right.
19:48Back it up.
19:51All right.
19:52Are you happy, Raymond?
19:53All right.
19:54That's what I meant about her.
19:57Well, now she doesn't sound so good.
19:58I don't know if I want her.
20:05You better stop talking if you want your dinner.
20:08And another thing.
20:08All right.
20:12Look, I'm sorry.
20:14I just meant that Ray was lucky in the fact that he found that special someone for him.
20:21I'm just hoping to be that lucky.
20:24You will be, Robert.
20:27Thanks.
20:29Thanks, guys.
20:31All right.
20:32See you later.
20:33Okay.
20:38He's right.
20:40You're very, very lucky.
20:45Lucky.
20:59I wonder if that was the name of this horse.
21:11Hey, Ma.
21:12Hi, Robbie.
21:13Did you want something?
21:14Yes.
21:14Sit down, dear.
21:15Have a seat.
21:28Now, I know yesterday might have been a little rough on you, but I want you to know, no matter
21:33what was said, you're my boy, and you'll always be my boy, and I love you.
21:42Thanks, Ma.
21:43Let's see.
21:50Ma, what are you doing?
21:53No, but 19 on the list.
21:55Your little ear hairs.
22:00No, but 19 on the list.
22:26No, but 19 on the list.
22:29No, but 19 on the list.
22:33No, but 19 on the list.
22:35No, but 19 on the list.
22:35No, but 19 on the list.
22:36No, but 19 on the list.
22:36No, but 19 on the list.
22:36No, but 19 on the list.
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