- 27 minutes ago
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FunTranscript
00:04Morning, Deb. Here's your paper.
00:07Thanks, Robert.
00:08I just stopped by Mom and Dad to some coffee,
00:10but I couldn't take all the Mom and Dad.
00:16Here, you can have raise.
00:18Oh, thanks.
00:20There's a vibe over there that gives me...
00:23I can't describe it.
00:25Searing abdominal cramps.
00:30Why do you keep going over there?
00:31Good coffee.
00:34How's this, huh?
00:37Well, when you...
00:38when you factor in the vibe here,
00:41the whole package is good.
00:43Here, Ray.
00:44All right.
00:54Add a milk.
01:13You did that on purpose.
01:14You wanted milk.
01:25I've got to buy myself a coffee maker.
01:36Hey.
01:37Hey.
01:39Raymond.
01:40Look at you.
01:41What?
01:42You've got milk spots.
01:46How can you tell it's milk from over there?
01:49It's what I do.
01:53What did children get you?
01:56No.
01:57Deborah.
01:58Well, of course.
01:59If you don't know your way around the kitchen,
02:01these things are bound to happen.
02:04Sit down.
02:05Eat.
02:07There you go.
02:08You don't clean up my spots.
02:12Your spots?
02:12I could squeeze out your shirt and make soup.
02:21You're gonna have to give me this shirt.
02:22No, no.
02:23I have to go to work, Mom.
02:24No.
02:24It's all right.
02:25Well, I don't know how Deborah can let you go to work like that.
02:28She doesn't care.
02:30What's that, Dad?
02:32No.
02:32Nothing, nothing.
02:38It's just...
02:38You can talk to me.
02:39I'm your mother.
02:42Please.
02:43Talk to me.
02:47Mother.
02:48Mother.
02:49It's just...
02:52What?
02:53What?
02:54Can't you read the signs?
02:55Nothing.
02:56It's just...
02:59He's married.
03:03Oh.
03:06What did she do?
03:09So, trouble in paradise?
03:11Oh, no.
03:12It's just that, you know,
03:13why would you want to hear me complain about Ray?
03:22Perhaps we haven't met.
03:24I'm Robert Perot.
03:27Nothing.
03:28She just...
03:29She went all nuts over a can opener.
03:31Can opener?
03:32Oh, poor Raymond.
03:35Nothing good comes from a can.
03:38Go on.
03:39Go ahead.
03:39Tell me.
03:40Nothing.
03:42I don't know what I did wrong.
03:43I mean,
03:44I come home
03:45in a good mood,
03:46like usual.
03:47Well, of course, dear.
03:48You were always a happy child.
03:51Yeah.
03:52I know.
03:53Anyway,
03:53I'm walking in.
03:55Hi, Daddy.
03:56Hi, Daddy.
03:56Hey, everybody.
03:58Hi, Daddy.
03:59Hi.
04:00Uh.
04:11How was your day?
04:18Everything's fine.
04:21Ray, what's for dinner?
04:24I haven't made you anything yet, Ray.
04:26Can you wait?
04:27Fine.
04:29I'll make my own dinner.
04:45I'll make my own dinner.
04:47Can opener?
04:47It's in the drawer.
04:49What?
04:50The can opener
04:51is in the utensil drawer.
04:54Righty-o.
04:58Ah.
05:00Yeah, I bought a new one.
05:02Oh.
05:03Did we need a new can opener?
05:05It's better.
05:06Okay?
05:07It cuts from the side
05:08so there's no sharp edges.
05:11How does this thing work?
05:14You put it on the can.
05:15You twist the thing.
05:17You open the can.
05:19Great.
05:20A better can opener.
05:24That was so funny.
05:28Whoa, whoa, whoa.
05:31Would you look at this?
05:37Oh.
05:39Use a fork.
05:40God.
05:45Oh.
05:50Was there something wrong
05:52with the other can opener?
05:53There's nothing wrong
05:54with this can opener.
05:56Well, no, nothing's wrong, honey.
05:59I mean, I would have preferred
06:00the tuna on bread,
06:01but, you know,
06:03it's just as delicious
06:06right out of the sink.
06:12This is the can opener I bought.
06:14Okay, Ray?
06:15Because it's better.
06:15It's not stupid,
06:17and I'm not stupid.
06:22What'd I say?
06:26And I'm not exaggerating.
06:32It's that sometimes
06:33he's such a jerk.
06:35Given details?
06:38Last night, okay?
06:40The kids are a mess.
06:41I'm trying to hold
06:41everything together.
06:42You're the glue, Deborah.
06:44Everyone knows that.
06:47He comes home.
06:49We don't want to scream!
06:51We don't want to scream!
06:52Oh, please, come on here.
06:53I'm gonna run away.
06:55No, don't run away.
06:56Oh, Mommy would miss you
06:57so much.
06:58Yes, you would.
07:00Oh.
07:00Come on, sit, sit, sit.
07:01Let's see.
07:02Hey, Dad!
07:02Hi, Ray.
07:03Hi, Dad.
07:04Hi.
07:07How was your day?
07:09Oh, gosh.
07:09Well, actually, it was just...
07:10Great.
07:11What's for dinner?
07:12Oh, I'm not having
07:13that time to make you
07:14anything yet, Ray.
07:14If you could just wait.
07:16Fine.
07:17Make my own dinner.
07:20Again.
07:29Mmm, tuna fish.
07:33Son of a...
07:34Where's the can opener?
07:36Uh, it's in the drawer.
07:38What?
07:38The can opener's
07:39in the utensil drawer.
07:41Right.
07:52Here.
07:54See?
07:55I bought a new one.
07:56Did we need
07:57a new can opener?
07:59But it's better.
08:00It cuts the can from the side
08:01so there's no sharp edges.
08:05How does this thing work?
08:07Look.
08:08See?
08:09You just put it on the can.
08:10You twist the thing
08:12and it opens the can.
08:13Hmm.
08:15Great.
08:15A better can opener.
08:18What's so funny?
08:19Nothing!
08:25Oh, great.
08:26Would you look at this?
08:28Oh, my God!
08:29Tuna juice!
08:30Oh, my God!
08:35Here.
08:36Sweetie, use a fork.
08:43Was there something wrong
08:44with the old can opener?
08:45Well, there's nothing wrong
08:46with this can opener.
08:47Oh, no!
08:48Nothing's wrong, honey.
08:49I mean,
08:50I would have preferred
08:51the tuna on bread,
08:52but it's just as delicious
08:53right out of the sink.
08:59No, Ray,
09:00this is the can opener
09:01I bought
09:01because it was better.
09:03I mean,
09:04it's not stupid.
09:06And...
09:16What'd I say?
09:21That bastard.
09:26I don't know.
09:27One little comment
09:28about a can opener
09:29and she freaks out.
09:33Like the time
09:34I bet the kids
09:34they couldn't hit
09:35the ceiling fan
09:36with a plumb.
09:41Ray,
09:42I am going to give you
09:43the secret
09:44to marital bliss.
09:46After you give it to him,
09:47why don't you let me in on it?
09:51You see, son,
09:52when your mother
09:52got pregnant with Robert,
09:54the hormones
09:54turned her into a nutcase.
09:57She cried for no reason.
09:59Two seconds later,
10:00she wanted to cuddle.
10:01She was, like,
10:02demented.
10:04That's not true.
10:06Sure it was.
10:07You were always
10:07grabbing at me.
10:09I was pregnant
10:10with a 14-pound baby.
10:12I needed help
10:13getting up.
10:16Nonetheless.
10:20Did it bother me?
10:21No.
10:22Because you cannot
10:23get upset
10:23with a crazy person.
10:25I decided
10:26from that day on
10:27to never waste time
10:28trying to understand
10:29your mother.
10:29I just accept
10:30she's insane.
10:33I must be.
10:36You two are crazy
10:37in love.
10:38That's what it is.
10:39Oh, no, no,
10:40I mean, don't go.
10:41We're having
10:42such a nice talk
10:43about Deborah.
10:45I love
10:46that kind of talk.
10:48Yeah,
10:48I know you do, Ma.
10:50Just keep telling yourself
10:51she's nuts.
10:51Saves time.
10:54I'm not going to choose sides,
10:56but this looks like
10:57an excellent can opener.
11:01Oh.
11:02Oh.
11:04Oh.
11:24Oh, boy.
11:28I think I need
11:29some Pepto.
11:32May I?
11:33Sure.
11:34Go ahead.
11:35Hey.
11:47What are you doing?
11:49Changing my shirt.
11:52Sorry I spilled milk
11:53on your shirt.
11:54Oh.
11:56That's okay.
11:58I'm sorry
11:59about the,
12:01you know.
12:02It's okay.
12:03Forget it.
12:05Okay.
12:08All right, so,
12:09I'll see you.
12:11See you later.
12:12Aren't you going
12:13to kiss me goodbye?
12:14Oh, yeah.
12:18You know, Ray,
12:19I just want you
12:19to really understand
12:20why I was upset
12:21about the can opener
12:22last night.
12:23Oh, I understand.
12:23I know why.
12:24I do.
12:25Okay.
12:26So, I'll see you later.
12:27I mean,
12:28you really know why.
12:31Sure, sure, I know.
12:34I totally know.
12:37Okay.
12:38Thanks.
12:39Okay.
12:40Good.
12:40So, should I bring home
12:42a pizza tonight
12:42or something?
12:43Yeah, sure.
12:43If that's what you want,
12:44that'd be great.
12:44Okay, good.
12:45Good, good.
12:45All right.
12:46I'll see you later.
12:47Oh, good.
12:49Hello, dears.
12:50Hi, Mom.
12:51Hi, Mom.
12:52Hello, Raymond.
12:52I'm glad you're still here.
12:54I have something
12:55that might fix everything.
12:57What do you mean?
12:58Everything's fine, Mom.
13:06What is it, Marie?
13:10What is it?
13:11It's just one of my old ones.
13:12It's the kind
13:13that actually works.
13:18Ray?
13:19Oh, it's all right, dear.
13:22We all make mistakes.
13:32What is this?
13:34Oh, don't be upset, dear.
13:35It's only a can opener.
13:38So, I'm thinking maybe
13:39you didn't really understand,
13:42Ray, why I was upset.
13:44Again, I got nothing
13:45to do with this.
13:45Like, I don't know
13:46why she brought
13:46that thing over here.
13:48I don't know.
13:49So, what did you do, Ray?
13:51Run across the street
13:52and tell your mom
13:52what a horrible woman
13:53you're married to?
13:55Raymond never said horrible.
13:59Would you stop?
14:03Marie, sun's up,
14:05plate's empty.
14:05Where are my eggs?
14:08Frank?
14:10Oh, yeah, the can opener.
14:12It's not your fault, Deborah.
14:14I understand hormones.
14:16What the hell
14:16did you tell them?
14:17Yeah, hormones
14:18was his theory.
14:19It did sound like
14:20your reaction
14:21to the can opener
14:22was a little dramatic.
14:28Frank, I can see
14:29and hear you.
14:36You were completely
14:37out of line last night.
14:38I really, I gotta get to work.
14:39How dare you?
14:40Not only were you
14:41completely wrong,
14:42but you made me out
14:42to be the crazy one.
14:44Hey, Deb,
14:44I finished the Pepto.
14:49Is this about me?
14:54No, dear, it's nothing.
14:56All I did was bring
14:58Deborah my old can opener.
15:00Well, Ray,
15:00just use the new one.
15:01Stop being a jerk.
15:03Jerk?
15:04Well, what?
15:05What do you know about it?
15:06He doesn't know
15:06anything about it.
15:07No, no, you stick
15:07to your guns, Deb, okay?
15:09Raymond's a jerk.
15:10I know the whole story, jerk.
15:13One little drop
15:14of fish juice
15:15and you squeal
15:15like a stuck pig.
15:19You told him that, huh?
15:20I did not do that.
15:22And by the way,
15:22the whole can dumped on me.
15:24Oh, it was one drop,
15:24you baby.
15:25One drop?
15:26It was like I stuck
15:27my arm up a tuna.
15:35Jerk, baby.
15:36You just shut up, huh?
15:38What?
15:39What did you tell him?
15:39I told him the truth
15:40that you come home
15:41all, what's for dinner?
15:42Oh, a can?
15:44How make tuna out?
15:47Oh, oh, oh.
15:51Yeah, that's me, huh?
15:52Well, this is you.
15:53This is you.
15:55Me, me, me, me, me, me,
15:57me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me,
15:59me, me.
16:02Wait a minute.
16:02That sounds like Marie.
16:06Yeah, that's really great, Ray.
16:07Coming home and giving me crap
16:09about a can opener.
16:09I didn't give you crap
16:10and it's a stupid can opener.
16:12It's not stupid.
16:12It gets rid of sharp edges.
16:13And the tuna!
16:14All right, hold it.
16:15No!
16:16Hey!
16:17Hey!
16:21Now, you listen to me.
16:22We happen to have an opportunity here
16:24for some real personal growth through active dialogue.
16:32Stop it, Dad!
16:38Now, the two of you have to just come out
16:40and say what's really bothering you underneath
16:42and get it out in the open and deal with it.
16:44Because if there's one thing that I have learned
16:46in my many years of experience with domestic disputes,
16:49it is this.
16:50It's never just about the can opener.
16:55Yeah, sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
17:00How could you mention that?
17:03I'll mention it.
17:04You went nuts over nothing.
17:08I had every right to go nuts with you for a husband.
17:11Don't go nuts.
17:12Just go.
17:13All right.
17:14Okay, wait, wait, wait.
17:15Wait.
17:17What jar of fat?
17:23I'll tell you what jar of fat.
17:26It was beautiful.
17:28It was fat from pancetta and golden brown sausage.
17:33You'd have to be a cook to understand.
17:36But it was months of carefully selecting only the best trippings
17:40to prepare meals for El Duce.
17:44Yeah, you made all those meals just for me
17:47and then you went out jogging.
17:48That was my kitchen.
17:50You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat.
17:52That dollar's for my coins.
17:54I needed that.
17:54You're selfish.
17:55Fat collector.
17:56Oh, you never appreciated me.
17:58Ever.
17:59You never, ever appreciated me.
18:01I would work by fingers to the bone all day with the kids,
18:04with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry,
18:05and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands
18:08and not even a thank you.
18:09That's right.
18:10Deborah understands.
18:13You wanted a thank you?
18:14Where was my thank you?
18:16I waltzed in, huh?
18:17I dragged my ass home every day
18:20after ten hours stuck in a suit,
18:22stuck in an office,
18:24stuck in a car,
18:25and if I needed coins to pay the toes
18:27that got me to that job,
18:29that paid for that meat,
18:31that made that fat,
18:33then I'll dump it out whenever I want
18:34and I don't care what you say!
18:45That's right, you don't care.
18:47You have never cared about how hard I worked just to serve you.
18:51Hey, I don't have to care.
18:52That's your job.
19:19On the other hand,
19:21sometimes it can be about the kennel thing.
19:28That's what I was gonna say.
19:29Yeah, me too.
19:31Yeah.
19:32I'm sorry.
19:33Yeah, me too.
19:34Sorry.
19:37That's it?
19:39Sorry?
19:41That's all you got?
19:44At least when we fight, stuff comes out.
19:48Some of it will be coming out when we get home.
19:53Let's go.
19:55Coming.
19:58So that's my job, Frank?
20:00Yeah.
20:01I didn't say you were bad at it.
20:07I'm still mad at you.
20:09Well, that's all right.
20:11At least it's not about a can opener.
20:15A can opener.
20:19Good luck, Ray.
20:22I can still see you, Frank.
20:32I can still see you, Frank.
20:36You know what's great on after an argument?
20:39It's the way we make up.
20:43Can I ask you something, Ray?
20:46You don't think it's my job just to cook and clean for you, do you?
20:51You don't understand.
20:52We already had the argument.
20:55This is the making up part.
20:56No, no.
20:57It's just, you know, what your father said to your mother, that's what was bothering me about that whole can
21:01opener thing.
21:02I mean, I just feel with, like, everything I have to do around here, sometimes you kind of take me
21:07for granted.
21:08I don't.
21:09I appreciate everything that you do.
21:12I do.
21:12And, you know, I just hope that you don't take me for granted.
21:15What do you mean?
21:17Eh, it's nothing.
21:18No, really, I want to know.
21:20Well, it's just, like, sometimes I feel when I come to bed that I'm just somebody who's here to lay
21:26next to you.
21:27You know?
21:31And that's all.
21:32Yeah, all right, all right, Ray.
21:33No, because I need to feel like I'm more than that.
21:35You should stop talking.
21:37Okay, I mean, it's just nice to be acknowledged.
21:39Yeah, yeah, let's get this over with.
22:01I'll be back here.
22:01I'll be back here.
22:03Let's go.
22:19No, no, no.
22:22We'll have to hear you.
22:23Okay, go ahead.
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