- 41 minutes ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:04Are you going to eat all of that?
00:06I asked you if you wanted one.
00:09All right, fine.
00:11I was just thinking that right now I could go for some orange or some sex.
00:46You all right?
00:50What's the matter?
00:54Wrong pipe or something?
01:11There you go.
01:17What did you do for yourself?
01:23They're coming!
01:23What's the matter?
01:27What's the matter?
01:55What's the matter?
02:02Ray, why didn't you do something?
02:05What? Well, what do you want me to do?
02:07You just sat there and turned up the TV.
02:12There was a lot of noise.
02:16Is that how you react in an emergency?
02:19It wasn't an emergency. The thing came out.
02:24Want me to pick it up so you don't slip on it?
02:28I was choking.
02:30You were coughing. I mean, coughing's not choking.
02:37All right, I'm sorry.
02:40I guess I should have done more.
02:43More than nothing, Ray?
02:45Oh, come on. You're okay now.
02:49You've got to be mad at me, right?
02:52Muck luck.
02:55You know, is it too much to ask for you to save my life once in a while?
02:59I mean, I think it's the least you could do around here.
03:02Hey, come on. You know you can always count on me.
03:05Oh, I can? When?
03:06When it counts.
03:08When the chips are down. Everybody knows that.
03:10I'm the chips are down guy.
03:13Oh, really?
03:15Well, where was the chips are down guy when the squirrel got in the house the other day?
03:18Hmm, I believe he was in the closet screaming,
03:21Get it out! Get it out!
03:23It was after me.
03:25I'd been eating nuts.
03:29I mean, face it.
03:30You're useless in an emergency.
03:32This wasn't an emergency.
03:35You coughed. You went,
03:36Right? That's not choking.
03:39Okay. And if I had been choking, what would you have done?
03:42If you had really been choking, I'm sure that I would have known what to do.
03:45Oh, it would come to you just like that?
03:47Yeah, yeah. Like the grandma who suddenly can lift the truck off the grandson.
03:54Okay, Grandma, what would you do?
03:57I would have done the maneuver thing.
04:00Yeah. How do you do the maneuver thing?
04:02You get around behind them and you...
04:06Listen, my specialty happens to be my...
04:14Robert, can you do the Heimlich maneuver?
04:17Of course. Why? What's the problem?
04:18Nothing. All right? Relax, Sergeant. Show off. Everything's fine.
04:23Yeah, no thanks to Ray.
04:25You were choking?
04:25No.
04:26Yeah, and he just sat there.
04:27Well, he's never been good in an emergency.
04:30Unless you can't hear TV during your emergency. Then he's your man.
04:33Hey, the chips weren't down.
04:35Don't worry, Deb. You're family. I'm watching out for you.
04:38Thanks, Robert.
04:39Oh, please.
04:39You know that a person can perform the Heimlich maneuver on themselves if they have to?
04:43Yeah? You better show me how.
04:45I hear you.
04:46Okay.
04:48I hear you, too.
04:52Hey, Robert, there's another maneuver you can perform on yourself.
05:07Hey, I'm on.
05:08Hello, Raymond. You want something to eat?
05:11No, I'm not hungry.
05:12You'll have a sandwich.
05:16Let me get that for you.
05:17Come on.
05:26There you go.
05:30Actually, I had just closed it.
05:38All right, maybe I'll just hang out here for a little while.
05:43Oh, celebrate with celery.
05:49Thanks.
05:51What's wrong, Raymond? What did she do?
05:55Nothing. She's mad at me.
05:57She was...
05:58She was eating an orange, and she started coughing.
06:02But not big coughing, you know?
06:05I guess I should have done something or something.
06:08Is that what she said?
06:11No.
06:12She said she was choking, and I should have saved her life.
06:19Well, you know, Raymond, I've always found Debra to be very demanding.
06:25You know, so I didn't know the exact right thing to do at that particular moment.
06:31I'm still, you know, right?
06:37What, Dee?
06:38Well, like in an emergency situation.
06:40You'd still want me around, right?
06:43What kind of emergency?
06:47I don't know.
06:48I don't know.
06:48I save you from something.
06:49A flood, a fire.
06:52Are there other people around?
06:54Oh, come on, Ma.
06:57Well, no, it's just that when it comes to acting under pressure, you're not exactly...
07:01But Robert happens to be very capable.
07:04Oh, yeah, but that's his job.
07:06He's had training.
07:07Even before the training.
07:09All right.
07:10Let's say Robert's not here.
07:11He's giving CPR to a kitten, okay?
07:15Then you want me.
07:18Is your father available?
07:21What?
07:22You know, just say what you will about him.
07:24When it comes to something like this, he can be very impressive.
07:28I mean, he's a fighter.
07:29He's got that inner rage.
07:32Actually, he's just looking for an excuse to use it.
07:36And you like that.
07:37You're the one always complaining that he isn't sensitive enough.
07:40Yeah, but you just don't want sensitive.
07:42I mean, sensitive doesn't scare off a burglar or a peeping Tom.
07:47That's a big problem around here, is it?
07:53How long does it take to make a friggin' sandwich?
07:58You can't rush the love, Frank.
08:01He's not the only fighter, okay, Ma?
08:03I'm tough, too.
08:05Chair?
08:06I'm tough when the chips are down.
08:09What are you talking about?
08:10Marie, chips.
08:12I'm talking that I'm tough.
08:14Tough to resist.
08:17Yeah, you're tough.
08:19Yeah, whatever.
08:21All right, let's go.
08:23What?
08:24Come on, big shot, arm wrestle.
08:26Oh, Frank, take your elbow up the table.
08:29Relax, you can have winners.
08:31Come on.
08:32I'm waiting, Sadie.
08:34Hey, look, I'm not arm wrestling you, okay?
08:35You maniac.
08:36I don't have anything to prove.
08:38Well, then that proves something, doesn't it?
08:44Don't, don't listen to him.
08:46Don't.
08:46Listen to him.
08:47You're a sweet boy, and that's what you do.
08:49I'm not sweet.
08:50All right, don't get upset.
08:52What I meant to say is that you're sweet, but you're also manly.
08:55You're a strapping, virile man.
08:59Said his mommy.
09:02I'm not only his mommy, Frank.
09:05I'm also a woman.
09:06Oh, God.
09:09And you always do things like that.
09:11I remember you getting in fights all the time.
09:14Getting picked on, you mean.
09:15A wedgie is not a fight.
09:18You remember that boy who was bothering you, and you walloped him?
09:22Oh, yeah, that's right.
09:23Robert's friend, Albert Gomez.
09:26How old was this bruiser?
09:28Ten?
09:29For your information, Dad, I was ten, okay?
09:31He was twelve and a half.
09:34Ooh.
09:36He called me Big Nose Verone, and I said, stop.
09:40He said, okay, BNB.
09:43I knew what that meant.
09:44Yeah.
09:45So I punched him in the stomach, and he went down like a sack of doorknobs.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Wasn't Big Nose Verone anymore.
09:52It was Super Punch.
09:54And you don't have a big nose, do you?
09:57It's perfect for your face.
10:00It's perfect for two faces.
10:03All right, Dad.
10:05Huh?
10:06Knock it off.
10:07Easy there, Super Punch.
10:09Yeah.
10:10What do they call you, huh?
10:12Super Punch?
10:14I'm right here.
10:17All right, let's go.
10:18Oh, come on.
10:18I don't like that.
10:19Stop it.
10:20And not on my egg salad.
10:22Ready?
10:23Go.
10:27I'm just playing with you.
10:29Yeah.
10:30Yeah, sure.
10:33Three, two, one.
10:39What did you expect, kid?
10:41It's my TV arm.
10:46You're a bully, Frank.
10:48Come on, two out of three.
10:49Oh, my funny bones.
10:51All right, see what's in there?
10:53He's hurt.
10:54I'll take his sandwich, too.
11:06Hey, hey, Nemo.
11:07You know what to do if somebody's choking?
11:10Change to special.
11:15Yeah, thanks.
11:17Hey, Ray.
11:18How's it going?
11:19Hey, you were late.
11:20We ordered pizza with jalapenos.
11:21Deal with it.
11:22Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:24What, you wear the uniform everywhere?
11:26You wear it now?
11:28I'm on a lunch break.
11:30They make us wear these for work.
11:36What's with you?
11:37Nothing.
11:41You're a bad brother.
11:43Hey, don't say that.
11:46A brother is a friend given by nature.
11:52All right, look, Raymond's mad at me
11:53because I showed Debra the Heimlich maneuver.
11:56Is that a euphemism?
11:59You don't come into my house
12:00and try to show me up in front of my wife.
12:03He let her almost choke to death.
12:04Well, that's not right.
12:05She was coughing on a piece of fruit.
12:08Only thanks to his Boy Scout,
12:09she thinks I'm useless now.
12:11I'd rather be a Boy Scout than a Girl Scout.
12:15What are you saying?
12:16I'm saying I'll take a box of Thin Mints, sweetie.
12:21That's funny.
12:22What does that mean?
12:24What do you want to drink, Ray?
12:25I'll have a Coke.
12:26You want to arm wrestle for it?
12:28Oh, that's good.
12:32That is good.
12:34Dad had me paged at work.
12:38Did he tell you that he cheated, huh?
12:40He was using his whole body,
12:41not to mention his breath.
12:44Dad's a real man.
12:45He does what it takes to get the job done.
12:47I get the job done.
12:49Oh, we're getting some conflicting reports.
12:53Apparently, you're weaker than a feeble old geezer,
12:55and you almost lost your bride to an orange.
12:58Yeah, all right, just shut up.
12:59Come on, Ray.
13:00Our bodies are covered with hair for a reason.
13:03To nauseate your fellow diners?
13:06Because we're supposed to be men.
13:08And, Ray, as your friend,
13:09I can honestly say,
13:10unless you can provide for and protect your woman,
13:13you should get out of the way and give me a shot.
13:16All right.
13:17Oh, look, look, come on.
13:18Deborah would never go for you.
13:20Oh, and who would she go for?
13:21You?
13:22I don't even think that's a question.
13:23All right, would you both?
13:24Shut up.
13:25I'm serious.
13:26My legs are taller than you.
13:31Oh, yeah?
13:32You're a real man?
13:33Check this out.
13:34I shaved an hour ago.
13:36Again with the hair?
13:38What else you got?
13:39All right, Raymond,
13:40who would Deborah pick first, huh?
13:41Me or Gianni?
13:42Whoa.
13:42Hey, I'm not necessarily out of this.
13:45If Raymond goes,
13:46I'm the brother.
13:46I get her.
13:47It's in the Bible.
13:48Whoa, whoa.
13:50Whoa, whoa.
13:50Okay, all right, all right.
13:52Look, would everybody just leave Raymond alone?
13:54He's obviously sensitive.
13:56And at the end of the day,
13:58that's what the lady's like.
14:01Andy, at the end of the day,
14:02you have to blow up your lady.
14:16I do fine with the women.
14:18They find me cuddly and cute,
14:20and when they poke me in the belly,
14:21I go,
14:22hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.
14:26Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.
14:29What'd you think?
14:29I wasn't gonna back it up?
14:32Don't listen to them, Raymond.
14:34You are not useless.
14:36Guys like us don't have to get caught up
14:38in these stereotypical gender roles
14:39where the man has to take care of the woman.
14:41Okay, thank you, Andy,
14:43but you're really not helping me
14:45with the me-to-you comparison, okay?
14:48I don't want to be taken care of.
14:50Yeah.
14:51What are you laughing at?
14:52I'm just noting the irony in your statement
14:54in the light of the fact
14:55that you live across the street
14:57from your mother.
14:59What are you talking about?
15:01You lived there for 35 years.
15:02Live, live, past tense.
15:05I am now miles away from them.
15:081.38 miles.
15:12Yeah, yeah, you're the person
15:13I should be taking advice from, Robert.
15:15Look, we're just trying to help you out here, Raymond,
15:16but you gotta bring something to the table.
15:19Now, Andy, he's cute and squishable,
15:21Gianni is hairy and scary,
15:23and I happen to be the perfect amalgam.
15:27You heard me, amalgam.
15:33You, you're neither here nor there.
15:35Yeah, okay, look,
15:36I don't have to defend myself to you idiots.
15:38I'm not the perfect man,
15:39but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one sitting here
15:42who has a woman.
15:43For now.
15:48Uh-huh.
15:50Very funny, Cousinette.
15:53It never happens to like the fact
15:54that I have just the right amount of hair
15:56in just the right amount of places.
15:59Oh, I'm sure that was a comforting last thought
16:01before she blacked out.
16:05Raymond's body's so smooth,
16:08like a hairless cap.
16:16Bye, bye-bye.
16:17Hey, come on.
16:19Where you going?
16:19The pizza's coming.
16:20Yeah, I'm going home to my wife, okay?
16:22My wife, all right?
16:24And everything is fine in my house.
16:26I'm gonna be all the man she needs.
16:30Anytime, anywhere.
16:40Hey there, Slim Fast.
16:42Oh, give me those bags, here.
16:43Okay, I got them.
16:43Let me take them, let me take them.
16:44I got them.
16:44Yeah, I want them, no.
16:46Where'd they go?
16:47Right here.
16:51All right, anything else?
16:53No.
16:54What are you doing?
16:55Oh, just taking care of a few things.
16:56You know, I checked the smoke detectors,
16:59I changed the light bulb,
17:01squashed a bug.
17:02Uh, yeah.
17:04Made a crackling noise, didn't bother me.
17:07What else?
17:08Any bags left in the car?
17:09Hey, how's the car driving?
17:10You want me to pop the hood
17:11and check under the, uh, thing?
17:17No, the car is really fine.
17:19Where's the ketchup?
17:21Oh, come on.
17:22I know I bought ketchup.
17:24I bet they didn't put it in a bag.
17:26Those sons of bitches,
17:27I'm going to go down there.
17:28Whoa, whoa, whoa.
17:29Wait, found it.
17:31You got it?
17:31Yeah.
17:31All right, because I go down there,
17:32I come back with two ketchups.
17:39You okay?
17:41Yeah, everything's cool, you know,
17:42just taking care of things.
17:42All right.
17:43What are you doing?
17:44Just going to put the stool back.
17:44No, no, no, I'll take it.
17:45I got it, honey, I got it.
17:46No, no, you don't have to carry it.
17:47Ow!
17:48What?
17:49Splinter.
17:50Oh, I'm sorry.
17:53Splinter.
17:54No, I can do that, I can do that.
17:55Wow, what's the matter with you?
17:56It's not a splinter.
17:57I'm on it.
17:58Yeah, that's okay, I can get it out.
17:59No, let me, no, no, look, don't worry.
18:01Everything's under control.
18:01I'm here, okay?
18:02Tweezers, where are the tweezers?
18:04They're in the door over there.
18:05What are you doing?
18:06Just calm down.
18:08There are the tweezers.
18:09Right there.
18:10Right there.
18:11There you go.
18:13Ow, ow, ow, ow, you're hurting me.
18:15No, don't worry, I can do this.
18:16Listen, I can get it out, okay?
18:17Will you let me do it, please?
18:19No, I happen to be good at this.
18:21Please, will you stop it now?
18:22Stop it, now, stop it.
18:23Sit down.
18:24You're freaking me out.
18:25What are you doing?
18:26The chips are down here.
18:28Come on.
18:29You're a bitch.
18:30Stop it.
18:30The chips are down.
18:35Hey, Ray, Ray, look.
18:39Honey, honey, you want to prove that you're a man by taking my splinter out?
18:45Just admit it that you need me.
18:48Give me the splinter.
18:50Ray, get off with me.
18:52What are you doing?
18:54No.
18:56You, give me the splinter.
19:01You stop it.
19:02I'll get the tweezers.
19:03Please, I'm trying to help you.
19:08You stop it.
19:10You stop it.
19:11No, you stop it.
19:12Come on.
19:13Just give me the tweezers.
19:14Stop it, stop it.
19:16Honey, it's the wrong hand.
19:20Stop struggling.
19:21You've got me all turned around in here.
19:22Just relax.
19:24Your knee is in my rib.
19:26It's okay.
19:28Just stop it for a minute.
19:29Just a minute.
19:30Just one minute, one minute.
19:31What?
19:33Look, I know what you're trying to do, but you don't have to do it.
19:38I mean, I think I overreacted yesterday, and I'm sorry if I did, honey.
19:43No, no, you didn't.
19:46I should have done something.
19:48I screwed up.
19:49No, you didn't.
19:50No.
19:51Honey, I think you're a wonderful husband.
19:54No, you don't.
19:56No, yes.
19:57I do.
19:59You're a good man.
20:05Come here.
20:10Can I get up now?
20:14I've got to get that splinter.
20:15Oh, honey, please.
20:15I need it.
20:16I'm going to get it.
20:17No, no, no.
20:18I'm getting it.
20:18I'm getting it.
20:19I'm getting it.
20:19I'm getting it.
20:20It's hurting me.
20:21Got it.
20:23Yeah.
20:24Oh, yeah.
20:27Oh, you picked the wrong guy's wife to go into, splinter.
20:32Woo-hoo.
20:38And stay out.
20:41Look at the size of that.
20:44Thanks, Ray.
20:45Look, you see?
20:46It goes one way, and it juts another way.
20:48That's why it was hard to rip out of you.
20:51Okay.
20:52All right.
20:53Where are you going?
20:55I've got to go get a Band-Aid now, because it's bleeding.
20:57Oh, there is blood.
20:59Yeah.
20:59Yeah.
20:59You all right?
21:00Yeah.
21:00Yeah.
21:01Do you want me to help you?
21:01No, no.
21:02All right.
21:03Fine.
21:04It's okay.
21:04All right.
21:06I'm right here, if you need me.
21:11I don't like blood.
21:23And then the beautiful princess said, oh, brave and handsome knight, thank you for taking
21:31that painful wooden spike out of my hand.
21:37I will marry you.
21:40I'm lucky to marry you.
21:42And the townspeople rejoiced, except for the giant, evil, cowardly brother.
21:50He was banished from the kingdom forever, and had to live 1.38 miles away.
22:04My hero.
22:06My hero.
22:33Oh, my hero.
Comments