- 11 minutes ago
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😹
FunTranscript
00:01Okay, Ma, here you go. Happy birthday.
00:05This one's from me, Robert, and Dad.
00:08Oh, a present from my sweet, sweet boys.
00:12And Frank.
00:24My mother had figurines like these,
00:27and I used to stare at them,
00:29hoping that maybe when I grew up they could be mine.
00:32But one day they all broke.
00:34My mother fell into them
00:36when I told her I was marrying Frank.
00:40But now I have my very own set.
00:43Oh, thank you so much.
00:45You're welcome.
00:46Oh, hi.
00:48Come here, Frank.
00:50Let's not ruin the moment.
00:55Oh, my.
00:56Why?
00:57You spent so much.
00:59Ma, don't worry about that, all right?
01:01What?
01:02$240?
01:04Those things cost $240?
01:08It's fine, Robert.
01:09No, no, no.
01:09But wait a minute.
01:11How come you told me and Dad that we only had to pay $30 each
01:15while you paid...
01:16what, $100?
01:19While you paid the rest.
01:21Hey, Robert, your mother doesn't care who paid what.
01:25Sit down.
01:26Frank, you only paid $30?
01:30And Raymond paid $180?
01:33$180, yes.
01:35I just paid what Ray told me to.
01:37Skimping on your wife's birthday present.
01:40My mother was ripe to fall down.
01:43So you had to pay more than us, huh?
01:45You had to hug all the glory.
01:47Glory hug.
01:50I can afford it, okay?
01:52I'm doing good.
01:52That's all.
01:53It's no big deal.
01:54Oh, I'm doing good.
01:55That's all.
01:55It's no big deal.
01:56You just had to show me up, right?
01:58Thanks a lot, Ray.
02:02I'm paying one-third, okay?
02:04So I owe...
02:05$80.
02:06$80, yes, $80.
02:08All right, just calm down.
02:10No, I already paid $30, so I owe...
02:12$50.
02:12I know $50!
02:16Fine, pay me whatever.
02:17Just stop being a jerk.
02:19Maybe you should take these figurines back.
02:22They should be in a happy home.
02:26No, what are you talking about?
02:27Because every time I look at them now,
02:29I'll think of you boys fighting.
02:31Take them back.
02:32Come on, Mom.
02:33I'm not taking them back.
02:34Take them back.
02:34They're tainted.
02:35I'm not taking them back!
02:38You're keeping them,
02:39and you're gonna cherish them!
02:43I spent weeks trying to figure out
02:44what to get you.
02:45Weeks!
02:46And then I remembered you talking
02:47about your mom and her figurines.
02:49You think it's a coincidence
02:50that I got the same exact ones?
02:52I remembered that I went to every antique shop
02:55in the city until I found the little bastards.
02:59I didn't care how much it cost
03:01because it's what you wanted.
03:02And now you're telling me to take them back?
03:04I won't.
03:07I just won't do it.
03:13So you two didn't even help pick them out?
03:16No, no, I-I helped.
03:18I-I wrapped it.
03:20Don't lie, Robbie.
03:22Everybody knows you can't work a tape dispenser
03:24with your giant fingers.
03:28Nice job, Ray.
03:30Letting her know you paid more wasn't enough.
03:32It was all part of his plan.
03:34To find the glory and then hog it.
03:38You know what?
03:39I'm sorry I bought the damn things.
03:41Well, I'm sorry my birthday was an inconvenience.
03:43No, Ma, I didn't mean that.
03:45You take them back.
03:46I can't look at them.
03:53Well, Raymond, nice going.
03:57You ruined that old crow's birthday.
04:09It's unbelievable, you know?
04:11I try to do something nice and thoughtful
04:12and it's like I killed my mother's birthday.
04:17Yep.
04:19Very, very thoughtful.
04:23What?
04:24Hmm?
04:26Nothing.
04:28I don't know.
04:29I guess I was just surprised at how thoughtful your mom's gift was.
04:33But I shouldn't be surprised because you always put a lot of effort
04:36into the things that you buy for her.
04:43Good night.
04:48No.
04:49No, Ray.
04:50Listen, I think it's great that you got your mom something nice.
04:52I do.
04:54I just sometimes wonder why I don't put the same thought into the things you get for me.
04:58But it's okay.
04:59No, I don't care.
05:00It's not a big deal or anything.
05:02I'm not mad.
05:04Ray?
05:08Ray?
05:10Ray?
05:12Wow!
05:13I thought you said you weren't mad.
05:14I'm not!
05:15I've gotten you plenty of thoughtful stuff.
05:18Huh?
05:19You're not making any sense.
05:21Maybe you're delirious from lack of sex.
05:30You mostly get me gift certificates and back rub IOUs.
05:35Or stuff that I've had to hint that I wanted.
05:38Like these pajamas, for instance.
05:41You never hinted about those pajamas.
05:42I gave you the color, the size, directions to the store,
05:46directions from the front of the store to the pajama department.
05:49I still had to return them because you got the wrong ones.
05:55See, if you sleep naked, we don't have this problem.
06:04Come on, look.
06:06I didn't know you were, like, dying for something super thoughtful.
06:10You're supposed to want to get me thoughtful things.
06:14Come on!
06:18I have to return these.
06:25Oh.
06:27What?
06:28Nothing.
06:29It's...
06:30I can't win.
06:31I-I can't believe we're arguing about this
06:32when I happen to have a pretty good Christmas gift for you this year.
06:36Huh.
06:37I...
06:37Okay, you know what?
06:38I don't blame you if you don't believe me, but...
06:40I do.
06:41I really do.
06:42Yeah, right.
06:44No.
06:44You and I were doing something a few weeks ago,
06:47and it got me to thinking...
06:49What?
06:50Just forget about it.
06:51What?
06:52What were we doing?
06:53We were in the city,
06:55and we were walking,
06:56and you saw something,
06:57and you said,
06:58oh, my God.
06:59Yeah?
07:00Yeah.
07:01And maybe I bought you something.
07:06What is it?
07:07You'll see it.
07:08You'll see it at Christmas,
07:09and...
07:09let's hope you find it thoughtful.
07:17Good night.
07:20I'm sorry, Ray.
07:24It's okay.
07:26It's okay.
07:27It's okay.
07:54Ray!
07:54Hey, hi.
07:55Hi.
07:56Hi, Amy.
07:57What are you doing here?
07:59I know.
07:59I was just in the neighborhood.
08:01Thought I'd pop in and say, howdy-doodle.
08:05Howdy-doodle?
08:07What, are you hitting the eggnog?
08:11Stop, Robert.
08:12Come on in, Ray.
08:13Okay.
08:16So, boy, tis the season, huh?
08:22Only two shopping days left till Christmas.
08:26Everybody's all holly and jolly and buying stuff.
08:31You buying any gifts this season, Amy?
08:34Yeah, I love shopping.
08:35I've got one more thing to get my Uncle Jeff,
08:37and since he just retired, I thought I might do...
08:38Yeah, that's great, great. Listen, listen, listen.
08:42I wanted to get something really special
08:44for Debra this year, you know?
08:47Because she's just so great.
08:52Oh, I know. Debra loves pajamas.
08:55No.
08:56No.
08:57No pajamas.
08:59Hey, you know what?
09:00Get out.
09:09I just, I just, I want to get her something thoughtful.
09:12You know?
09:13Something that says,
09:17Debra, you mean so much to me.
09:20And this gift makes me think of you.
09:27So what do you got?
09:30All right, all right. Wait a minute. I know what this is.
09:33A few weeks ago, he got my mom something thoughtful for her birthday.
09:37Now I bet he has to give Debra a gift of equal or greater thought.
09:44You're very thoughtful, Ray.
09:46You should trust her own instincts.
09:47Yeah, because I did think of something.
09:49You know how Debra's always saying she's always cold?
09:51So I thought, what if I get into this really great, top of the line, primo, space heater.
10:04Top of the line.
10:06Four settings.
10:08Low, medium, high, off.
10:19Raymond, have you ever even met your wife?
10:23Do you know anything about her?
10:28I know she gets chilly.
10:32How about something like she spent all her summers as a kid up at Lake Sagatok?
10:37Right? Up in Connecticut?
10:39Lake who?
10:41Lake Sagatok.
10:42So you get her a paint beater, a nice photograph of Lake Sagatok.
10:45Or she likes craftsman furniture.
10:47Or she's always mentioning how she wished she had more time to spend in the garden.
10:50So you get her the things with...
10:51Wait, no, no. I got it. I got it.
10:52Okay, this is it. This is it.
10:54A first edition of The Killer Mockingbird.
10:57All right, she did her college thesis on it.
10:59It's her favorite book. I'm telling you, she's gonna love it.
11:05So I'm not a space heater?
11:08No!
11:09The Killer Mockingbird, first edition.
11:11She would love that, Ray.
11:13It's very nice, Robert.
11:15Okay, yeah. I mean, I was thinking of something like that, too.
11:17You know? Yeah.
11:19I mean, that or the space heater, whatever's better.
11:21You're a wonderful person. Get out.
11:24Okay, all right, thanks.
11:25Bye, Ray.
11:26All right, bye.
11:28One flew over to Cuckoo's Nest?
11:30To kill a mockingbird. Take a class.
11:33Right, right. Cuckoo's Nest.
11:36I knew it was a bird book.
11:41Now, where were we before the monkey came in?
11:49Hey!
11:51Calm down! Hey!
11:53Don't be quiet, Frank.
11:56I just hope for their presents. They're excited.
11:58Well, they need to learn the true meaning of Christmas.
12:01Grandpa wants quiet.
12:06Okay, Deb.
12:08Okay, Deb.
12:08Here you go.
12:10Hope you like it.
12:19To kill a mockingbird.
12:21Yeah, it's one of those first editions.
12:23Yeah.
12:24I know.
12:27This is...
12:29This is so great.
12:32Oh, I love this. Thank you so much.
12:37How did you...
12:39Oh, I love you.
12:40Yeah.
12:41Oh, I love you.
12:43Isaiah, you like us.
12:45I killed a bird once.
12:59I have to tell you, Ray, when you told me you bought something thoughtful for me, I
13:03i didn't totally believe you i'm so sorry it's okay i'm seeing your face now that's like your gift to
13:11me
13:26harper lee won the pulitzer prize for that didn't she deb yeah oh god this is so wonderful
13:33ray frank why can't you put a little more thought into what you got me slippers are very thoughtful
13:42every day i see your feet when you get out of bed so i thought and i thought
13:48and i thought what can i get to cover up those things
14:03you know ray what was it that we were doing in the city that reminded you of to kill a
14:08mockingbird
14:13what remember remember you said we were in the city and i said oh my god what was that
14:18right right well we were in the city and you said oh my god because of all the pigeons
14:28that there were that day in the city and i thought pigeons birds
14:35of a feather flock together flock mockingbird merry christmas
14:59so uh you did your thesis on to kill the mockingbird didn't you deb you need some more coffee
15:06sweetie yeah okay sure two sugars sugar no you know what i'll get it here i'll come with you
15:16i can't wait to put the kids to bed tonight so i can start reading
15:29so did you start your book last night no i didn't get a chance to you're damn right you did
15:43it's not the holidays until you've seen frank in his santa face underwear
15:53did you see what my handsome husband gave me first edition to kill a mockingbird my absolute favorite
15:59book hey great gift i know i love this oh so nice hey look i'm your husband that's what i
16:08do
16:08don't be modest you gave me the perfect present you know i almost went with another idea something
16:13from lake uh i don't think i've even mentioned that in 10 years well you know i guess i
16:23remembered it because i knew how important it was to you
16:39you should be happy with me i told
16:42him to get you that book it was my idea not raymond's me mine all me
16:48robert oh you never even heard of the killer mockingbird oh yes i did you did not you never
16:53read the book you never saw the movie i bet you didn't even know there was a movie about it
16:57huh
16:57who was the star of the movie raymond what what what is it gregory peck gregory peck gregory peck
17:05all right scout step aside while i shoot this rabbit dog he won the oscar in 1962 you moron
17:17what's this guy talking about
17:22so you took credit for robert's idea you made up that whole city thing you lied to me yes yes
17:29and yes
17:33robert what are you doing what do you mean why is it so important deborah knows that the book was
17:39your idea because it's the truth raymond's a glory hog he did it to ma and now he's doing it
17:44to deborah
17:45he's got to be stopped
17:49you know robert i gotta say that book seems a little more thoughtful than what you got me
17:55what'd he get you tickets to the ice capades
18:00what's wrong with that the ice capades is two and a half hours of frozen fun
18:08ice capades that's what mom said i should get deborah
18:24that was your mother's idea for me you had to go to your mother man that is lame
18:36i didn't write don't even ray all you care about is what should i get for my mom you think
18:41my mom
18:42will like this why don't we ask my mom mom mom mom mom how do we get out of here
18:54come on deborah you got your book i gave it to you you should be happy isn't it the thought
18:59that
18:59counts yeah but it wasn't your thought it was his yeah why do you care so much about her gals
19:03i don't care about her gift i was just trying to make him look bad sorry man it's okay i
19:07understand
19:09you know ray i don't want you to ever get me another gift again because every time you do
19:14it just makes me realize how little you care merry christmas ray oh come on now you're becoming my
19:23mother what let me finish look the only reason i ever put any thought into my mother's gift is
19:31because she's a materialistic no yes yes gifts and stuff that's all she cares about i don't think of you
19:38that way you've always used to say i don't care about anything as long as we're all happy and healthy
19:43and look at us we're all happy and healthy we're all healthy for now isn't that the only thing that
19:53matters i mean come on it's christmas what about jesus huh you think he cared about getting a bunch of
20:02gifts on his birthday rum pum pum pum that's all he wanted that's true look i'm sorry i lied i
20:16i lied
20:18that night about having a great gift for you and i lied about coming up with the cuckoo bird book
20:22and and
20:24i know i know i took all the credit for it but at least you're not going to the ice
20:30capades
20:37i'm sorry i stink at this but doesn't mean i don't care about you in fact i wouldn't lie half
20:47as much if i didn't
20:54say hi everybody hey hey it's december 26th it's time to return a few of the gifts i got that
21:01weren't
21:02quite right does anybody have anything they'd like brought back
21:14no we're fine marie yeah we're very happy
21:21hey marie isn't that the bowl i gave you okay then merry christmas
21:44you like this here goes snoopy
21:46you like this here goes snoopy
22:29you like this here goes
22:32you like this here goes
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