- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:02I had an amazing night last night.
00:05I was at the sports bar, and I met this really, really hot woman.
00:08Hot woman, yeah?
00:10So it'll get to the part where you notice her Adam's apple.
00:14Believe me, she's all woman, okay?
00:16Her name's Natasha, she's pretty, she's got a great personality.
00:19I'm telling you, Raymond, we really hit it off.
00:21Yeah, all right.
00:22So then what happened?
00:23You ran out of singles?
00:33Will you stop? Will you just stop already?
00:35I'm telling you, she really liked me.
00:37It was just one little problem.
00:39What?
00:40It's really not a problem.
00:41She didn't even use the word problem.
00:43It's just a minor, minor, minor thing.
00:44All right, what? What? What is it?
00:47She thinks I'm you.
00:57Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:58So, you met a woman who thinks that you're me?
01:00Yeah, well, I'm at the bar, right?
01:02And she spills her drink on me, and we start talking,
01:05and I'm telling you, we really connected.
01:07I was actually quite charming.
01:11And the bartender passes me a towel, right?
01:14And he goes, uh, here you go, Mr. Barone,
01:16and we're in a sports bar,
01:17so she just assumes that I'm Ray Barone
01:19from New York Newsday.
01:25And you didn't correct her?
01:26She seemed so happy to meet you.
01:30She's a big fan of yours.
01:32Yeah, but...
01:33Listen, you can't...
01:34Hold on, hold on.
01:35A hot woman is a big fan of mine?
01:39I couldn't believe it either.
01:43Did she mention any particular column?
01:47Well, she did say something about a Cal Ripken profile
01:50just before we...
01:53B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b...
01:54No!
01:55No!
01:56Come on, first night?
01:58Big fan.
02:01Huh.
02:03I did get a lot of good feedback on that piece.
02:08You certainly did.
02:16Hey, whoa, whoa.
02:17Wait a minute, wait a minute.
02:18If she knows my writing,
02:19then she must know I have a wife.
02:22Had.
02:22Had a wife.
02:24You said I was divorced?
02:26Winnower.
02:28You killed Deborah?
02:30Had to be done.
02:32But don't worry.
02:33You stuck by her through a very long illness.
02:36You were wonderful.
02:37Oh, and just so you know,
02:38you never had any children.
02:40What?
02:41You couldn't leave any loose ends.
02:43Hey, look, man.
02:44You gotta set her straight.
02:46This is not right what you're doing.
02:48I know, but I really like her,
02:50and I don't want to blow this, you know?
02:52I just have to pick the right time to tell her.
02:55I gotta lay the groundwork.
02:56All right, but just make sure that you do it,
02:57because it's wrong, man.
02:58It's wrong what you're doing.
02:59I know.
03:00All right.
03:03So how hot was she?
03:07Oh, Raymond, so out of your league.
03:11Oh.
03:12Oh.
03:13I love when they're out of my league.
03:16Hey, hey, hey, hey.
03:18Let me ask you.
03:19While you were...
03:21Did she say my name or anything?
03:23Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
03:26Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
03:27Did I cross over some moral line, Ray?
03:32All right.
03:33Just suffice to say,
03:35she was really into you.
03:38Great.
03:38I finally have sex.
03:40I'm not even there.
03:46She was a dynamo.
03:48Oh, really?
03:50Oh, yeah.
03:51How was I?
03:52So-so.
04:02Hey, what are you doing to me?
04:04This was sent to my office.
04:06Come on.
04:07To the beginning of a wonderful romance.
04:09Love, Natasha.
04:10Oh, I can't have this there.
04:12It's like a time bomb.
04:14All right.
04:14Thanks for bringing it over.
04:15Bye-bye.
04:16Well, I get at least two of these brownies.
04:17No, the brownies are for me.
04:19Well, come on.
04:19I brought the thing out.
04:20I'm heading for work now, so I'll see...
04:22Oh, hi.
04:23Hi.
04:26Natasha, this is my brother, Robert.
04:31Brother Robert, this is my friend, Natasha.
04:35Well, so nice to meet you, Robert.
04:36Ray has said so many good things about you.
04:41He has, has he?
04:42Oh, I should hear how he brags about you.
04:44What a great cop Robert is.
04:46You're like his hero.
04:49Oh, Ray.
04:53He's told me all about your commendations and your promotions.
04:56Really?
04:57Yeah.
04:57Yeah, that's no big deal.
04:59They give you those just for showing up.
05:00Yeah.
05:01Yeah, but Ray said you were wounded in the line of duty.
05:05Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
05:06He told you that?
05:07Yeah.
05:08That was actually kind of stupid.
05:10I, uh, I allowed myself to get gored in the ass by a bull.
05:18Don't be so modest.
05:19First of all, he was saving people.
05:22And it was actually the upper thigh.
05:24No, no, no, no.
05:25Right in the ass.
05:26Yeah.
05:26Yeah.
05:27Yeah.
05:28Really, really stupid.
05:29And I still complain about it.
05:32Oh.
05:33Well, you stop it.
05:34Stop being so funny.
05:35Everybody thinks I'm the funny one.
05:37He's the funny one.
05:38This guy is a crack-up.
05:40You're a great cop.
05:41Get out of here.
05:45No, no, no, no, no.
05:46You know, I'm an okay cop, but I would rather be a great writer like my brother Raymond.
05:50I mean, he's a cultural hero.
05:51You're out of your mind.
05:52I'm just a scribbler.
05:54A scribbler, yeah.
05:55Did you happen to see the profile of Cal Ripken Jr.?
05:57Oh, I love that piece.
05:58Really?
05:59Yeah, me too.
05:59Me too.
06:00What about you?
06:01Robert's planning a clothing drive for the Police Athletic League.
06:05He just can't stop at the giving.
06:10I don't believe you two.
06:16No?
06:18I've never met two brothers who get along so well and admire each other so much.
06:23It's unreal.
06:25It is unreal.
06:27Well, somebody raised you right.
06:29You must have amazing parents.
06:35Yeah.
06:37They would amaze you.
06:40I gotta go.
06:41I hope to be seeing you again, Robert.
06:44Oh, yeah.
06:44Yeah, right, right.
06:46Oh, how did this get here?
06:47Oh, yeah, yeah.
06:48Robert brought this over.
06:50He stopped by my office this morning and delivered it here.
06:52Always thinking of me.
06:54Hey, Ray, could I get one of those brownies?
07:01Certainly.
07:02Oh.
07:04Thanks, Ray.
07:08That's funny.
07:08Ray does that chin thing, too.
07:10Hmm.
07:11Yeah, we're both idiots because we do that.
07:17That's cute.
07:18That's cute.
07:19I'll see you later, Ray.
07:30I swear to God, I was gonna tell her last night.
07:33I just want to make sure that she knows what a great guy Robert is.
07:37See?
07:37I'm trying to get her to fall for me.
07:39Yeah, like she's gonna dump me for you.
07:44You watch.
07:45I'm slowly making the transfer.
07:48I build up who Robert is, the kind, compassionate police officer.
07:51And I downplay the shallow, heartless sports writer until she says,
07:55gee, Ray, I wish you were more like your brother.
07:57And then, ta-da!
08:02Ta-da!
08:03You're a psychotic liar.
08:06Come on, just tell her the truth.
08:09I'm gonna.
08:10Tonight.
08:10But there's groundwork.
08:11Psychotic!
08:12All right!
08:19I'll tell her tonight.
08:21All right.
08:27She is pretty, though.
08:29What'd I tell you?
08:30Hmm.
08:31Way out of my league.
08:34Mine, too.
08:35Yeah.
08:36You know, it's like, neither one of us could have gotten her on our own, but...
08:44But melded together, we were like a whole other entity.
08:50Like a superhero.
08:53We were better than just Ray.
08:56Better than just Robert.
08:58We were...
09:00Raybert.
09:01Raybert.
09:13Come on, you're on your way out anyway.
09:15You can't help your brother with his laundry down the stairs?
09:17We're Raybert.
09:19Yeah, yeah.
09:20Yeah, Raybert.
09:21What the hell you got in here, anyway?
09:23Just some socks and unmentionables.
09:26Too bad they're not unsmellables.
09:34Hey.
09:34Hey.
09:39You know her?
09:40Yeah, right.
09:46Hey, uh, let me help you sort some of this stuff out, Ray.
09:54Excuse me.
09:55Do either of you have change for a dollar?
09:57Uh, no.
09:58No, I don't.
09:59But you know what?
10:00My brother Ray Barone probably does.
10:02Yeah.
10:03Yeah.
10:06Yeah.
10:07You probably do, right?
10:08He's a top sports writer over at Newsday.
10:11So what do you say?
10:12Can you help her out, Ray Barone?
10:15I think I might have change.
10:17Oh, yes.
10:18Top writer at Newsday is going to have plenty-o change.
10:21Yeah.
10:24Thanks.
10:26So this guy must be the president of your fan club.
10:31No, no, no.
10:32Yeah, no, I'm just his brother, Robert.
10:34That's all.
10:34You know, but I am proud of his accomplishments.
10:36Yeah, you bet I am.
10:36But you two go back to what you were doing.
10:38You work out that change thing.
10:39Yeah, go ahead.
10:41So you're Ray Barone?
10:43Oh, yes.
10:44Yes, I am.
10:45My father loves your column.
10:47Well, thank you.
10:49So does my father.
10:49Yeah, yeah.
10:50And his father, because we're brothers.
10:54Yeah, all right.
10:55Let's do laundry.
10:59Hey, hey, it works.
11:00Ray Burt works.
11:01Oh, right, but I like Natasha.
11:04Oh, you can't tie Ray Burt down like that.
11:08Hey, Ray Burt may be two guys,
11:10but he's a one-woman man.
11:12Come on.
11:12Come on.
11:13I just want to see what happens.
11:14Thanks for the change.
11:16You're welcome.
11:17You're welcome.
11:21So you're using number seven.
11:23There's a great agitator in there.
11:26Okay.
11:29Listen, you know, tell your dad
11:31if he ever wants to talk sports,
11:32I'd be happy to.
11:35It's so nice.
11:36Thanks.
11:37I'm Wendy.
11:39I'm still Ray.
11:40Right.
11:45I'll see you around the building.
11:47Okey-dokey.
11:47Bye.
11:48Bye.
11:49Bye.
12:04I got to tell you,
12:05that was wild watching that.
12:06It's like I've been to the world
12:08where ladies want Ray.
12:11Burt.
12:11Ray Burt.
12:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:13Ray Burt.
12:13Ray Burt.
12:13Ray Burt.
12:14Hey, listen,
12:14with your availability
12:15and my mystique,
12:18we were unstoppable.
12:20All right,
12:21but you have to understand
12:22we may have unleashed
12:23an awesome power here,
12:25but with that power
12:26comes responsibility.
12:32You got to start working
12:33on my wardrobe.
12:45Hi.
12:46Hi.
12:46I'm Natasha.
12:47Is Robert here?
12:49Uh, no,
12:50not at the moment.
12:52Well, I met him this morning
12:53and I just...
12:53You met Robbie?
12:57Yes.
12:58Did you like him?
12:59Sure, he seems very nice.
13:01He is very nice.
13:03I'm his mother.
13:04Marie.
13:05What?
13:05I'm interested
13:06in my son's friends.
13:09What's your last name,
13:10Natasha?
13:11Leonetti.
13:12Oh, Italian.
13:14Well, I'm my father's side.
13:15Good enough.
13:16Come on in there.
13:17Uh, I just wanted
13:19to drop off some things
13:20for the police clothing drive.
13:21Okay, I mean,
13:22you're more than welcome
13:23to leave them here,
13:24but you might do better
13:25taking them to his place.
13:28Oh, I'm sorry.
13:28This isn't Robert's house.
13:30I saw Arboron
13:31on the phone book.
13:31I just assumed...
13:32Okay, we'll make sure
13:34that he gets them.
13:36It was nice meeting you.
13:37You too.
13:39Well, hello.
13:43Hello?
13:44Frank.
13:46Frank, this is Robbie's
13:47new friend, Natasha.
13:49Natasha.
13:51Well, any gorgeous friend
13:52of Robert's
13:53is a gorgeous friend
13:54of mine.
13:57Where is Ray?
13:58I want to see
13:59his dead toenail.
14:00I think I got
14:00the same thing.
14:04Ray's here?
14:06Oh.
14:07Uh, yes.
14:08He's upstairs
14:09putting the kids to bed.
14:11Kids?
14:11What kids?
14:14How do you...
14:15Wait, how do you know Ray?
14:18We met at a bar.
14:23What do you mean?
14:24Through Robert?
14:25No, no, no.
14:26I met Robert through Ray
14:27because Ray and I
14:27are kind of...
14:29dating.
14:29Oh!
14:38Holy crap.
14:44Wait a minute.
14:46What?
14:46Is there a problem?
14:48Um, no,
14:50there's no problem.
14:51I'm just surprised
14:52that my husband
14:53has time to date.
14:56What?
14:57You're his wife?
14:59Ray said you were dead.
15:01Huh?
15:02Huh?
15:03Huh?
15:04Huh?
15:05Huh?
15:06Huh?
15:06Huh?
15:07Huh?
15:07Huh?
15:08Huh?
15:16Holy crap.
15:19Beach, baby,
15:20beach, baby,
15:21down on the sand.
15:27Shame on you,
15:28young man.
15:29Wait a minute.
15:30Wait a minute.
15:30Didn't I teach you anything?
15:32You got a problem
15:33with your woman,
15:34you don't go out
15:34and get another woman.
15:36Now all you got
15:37is two problems.
15:39Just wait a minute.
15:43Okay.
15:44Just,
15:44just back it up,
15:46everybody.
15:47Robert,
15:47what is going on?
15:48It's not Robert,
15:49that's Raymond.
15:51You're not Robert?
15:52Okay, look,
15:52if you just let me talk,
15:53I can explain everything.
16:06I am Robert.
16:10Wow,
16:11that is one bad alibi.
16:15Wow,
16:21that is one bad alibi.
16:37I come to fix sprinkler.
16:39I come to fix sprinkler.
16:50what's your name?
16:57What's your name?
16:59Man,
16:59let me show you
17:00what a water valve is.
17:00Ray.
17:04Sorry, man.
17:07It's all right.
17:08Forget it.
17:12I am Robert Barone,
17:14Lieutenant NYPD.
17:17And this is my brother,
17:19Raymond,
17:20sports writer,
17:21Newsday.
17:23How could you do this to me?
17:27When you first mistook me
17:29for Raymond,
17:29I didn't want to let you down.
17:31So you lied to me.
17:34I have to get out of here.
17:35No,
17:36no,
17:36wait,
17:37Natasha.
17:38Listen,
17:39I was going to tell you
17:40so many times,
17:41it's just that I really liked you
17:43and I,
17:43I didn't want you.
17:46You see,
17:47people seem to respond
17:48differently
17:48to Raymond.
17:50He's always been
17:51the funny one,
17:52the smart one,
17:53the favored one.
17:55We've never shown
17:56any favoritism.
18:07See,
18:07you gotta understand,
18:09I've always wondered
18:10what it would be like
18:11to be Raymond.
18:13And it was even better
18:14than I thought it would be.
18:16Because I met you.
18:19I can't believe this.
18:21You didn't have to do that.
18:26I liked you.
18:28Really?
18:33Not anymore.
18:36This is so humiliating.
18:38I hear you.
18:40And what did you think?
18:41I was some Ray Barone groupie?
18:43You know what?
18:45Goodbye,
18:46whoever you are.
19:01It's not you.
19:02It's that she said
19:03Ray Barone groupie.
19:07All right, Dad.
19:08That's gotta be
19:09a pretty small group.
19:11All you got left is her.
19:15I'll say this, Robert,
19:17you're scaring off
19:17a better class of broad.
19:21Always there for me, Dad.
19:23He's right.
19:25Why won't you let me
19:26help you, Robbie?
19:27He should be able
19:27to help himself.
19:29What the hell
19:30is wrong with you?
19:32You have to pretend
19:34to be somebody else.
19:35I mean, police.
19:35How old are you?
19:37You have got to have
19:38a little more self-esteem.
19:44You're right.
19:45I'm an idiot.
19:46Yes.
19:46No, no, no, no.
19:48That's what I'm talking about.
19:51When are you gonna see
19:52what other people
19:54see in you, Robert?
19:58I know.
19:58I know.
20:00It's just it started
20:01as a mix-up,
20:02and then Raymond and I
20:04just started having
20:05so much fun with it.
20:06Wait a minute.
20:08Ray and you?
20:12By Ray, he means him
20:13because of that thing he did.
20:20No, no, no.
20:22I'm not blaming you, Ray.
20:23I mean, it's my fault.
20:24I enjoyed being Raybert, too.
20:26Raybert?
20:27Yes.
20:30That's what we called us.
20:31It was fun.
20:32And it worked.
20:33There was Natasha,
20:35and then the girl
20:35in the laundry room.
20:36The girl in the laundry room?
20:49I go pick Sprinkler now.
20:57Oh, good.
20:58He's here.
20:59Dad,
21:00this is Ray Barone.
21:04Um...
21:04That's not Ray Barone.
21:06What?
21:07I've seen him in interviews.
21:08Listen, um...
21:09This guy told you
21:10he's Ray Barone?
21:11Yeah.
21:14What are you trying to pull?
21:17You're not Ray Barone.
21:19I have self-esteem issues.
21:23What is wrong with you?
21:25No one knows.
21:30Stay away from my daughter.
21:32Understand me?
21:33Or I'll call the cops.
21:34Uh, actually,
21:35I am a cop.
21:39You want to play with me now?
21:46Let's go.
21:47So, Nan,
21:48you do your laundry at home.
21:50Weirdo.
21:52That doesn't help
21:53my self-esteem.
21:56I love you.
22:21That doesn't help me.
Comments