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00:02Hi, Marie.
00:03Oh, hi, dear.
00:04Listen, thanks for watching the kids.
00:06I really needed to get to the dentist.
00:08I think it's wonderful that you take all this time for yourself.
00:15What are you working on there?
00:16Oh, it's the Marone Family Christmas letter.
00:20You know, want to keep people up to date on what we've all been doing.
00:24Well, don't forget to mention my new filling.
00:26Oh.
00:27Maybe next year.
00:28These have to go out this afternoon.
00:30I'll go round up the kids.
00:31Okay.
00:47Oh, lady, you are out of your ever-loving mind.
00:55Marie?
00:57Oh, my God.
00:59Oh, honey, are you all right?
01:01Yeah, yeah.
01:02I'm fine.
01:03What the hell are you-
01:04You should look.
01:05Look where you're going.
01:06Let me get you some ice.
01:09Forget the ice.
01:11Who are you sending this to?
01:12You know, family and friends.
01:14Oh, here.
01:15Put this broccoli on your head.
01:20You cannot send this out.
01:22I don't understand.
01:24Debra's cooking is coming along.
01:27Someday I might even consider her for a job at Chez Marie.
01:32You're considering me for a job in your restaurant?
01:35Oh, it's not a real restaurant.
01:41It's make-believe.
01:43Okay, what about this?
01:44What about this?
01:45Debra is outnumbered by the kids three to one, so I've had to help out.
01:49So now it's even.
01:52So you're saying that you are worth two of me.
01:56No one's gonna do the math.
02:00I'm just saying it's nice.
02:02It's not nice.
02:05It's you having to help poor, pathetic Debra.
02:08And isn't that nice?
02:12It's not true.
02:15You are not sending this out.
02:17Oh?
02:18I'm not.
02:20Not like this.
02:21No way.
02:23Well, I'm sorry, but this is my letter.
02:25And this is America.
02:32Fine.
02:33You know what?
02:35Fine.
02:36Goodbye, Marie.
02:38Yeah, but Debra, what about you?
02:39Bye.
02:45I know, I know.
02:47I forgot the kids.
02:50You're gonna put that in your letter?
02:57Debra.
02:58Ow!
03:09Hey, eight maids a-milking.
03:17We're gonna do this every night until Christmas.
03:21Can't we just cut to partridge in a pear tree and be done with it?
03:26Wow.
03:27When we go to Macy's, you can punch Santa and kick an elf.
03:37Sorry, I-I'm sorry.
03:40It's just that your mother is sending out this stupid family Christmas letter,
03:43and I look terrible in it.
03:45She makes it sound as if she has to raise my kids and clean my house
03:48while I sit around and drool into a cup.
03:52Just let her have her delusions.
03:54What else does she have?
03:56Chasing Dad around the house with a can of Lysol?
04:04Yeah, but she's mailing those delusions to everybody.
04:07People are gonna think it's true.
04:09It'll be, thank God Marie lives close enough
04:11to help that idiot woman and her dirty family.
04:16Hello.
04:21I saw you, Pauline Raymond.
04:23I thought you'd like some biscotti.
04:25Oh.
04:26Thanks.
04:29Biscotti?
04:31No, thank you.
04:34Actually, I made them for you, Deborah.
04:37Oh, that's nice.
04:40That's nice.
04:43I'm sorry, Deborah.
04:46Oh.
04:47Oh, it's so nice.
04:48Okay.
04:49Okay.
04:55I'm sorry that that letter upset you so.
04:58No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.
04:59You don't have to apologize.
05:01Have a biscotti.
05:03I would love one.
05:05Oh, I'm so glad we could put this behind us.
05:08Me too.
05:08It's beautiful what's happening here.
05:12Okay, I gotta get those letters to the post office before they close.
05:16Wait a minute.
05:16Wait a minute.
05:18You're still sending that letter?
05:20Oh, of course, dear.
05:21I have to.
05:21You have to?
05:24Marie, when I speak, what is it you hear?
05:29Is it like backwards talk or dolphin squeaks?
05:46You don't understand, see?
05:48This is the reason I have to send my letter.
05:50It's from my cousin Teresa.
05:52It came yesterday.
05:53Here, read.
05:54Merry Christmas and season's greetings.
05:56To old friends and new friends, dear friends and true friends.
05:59I know.
05:59I know.
06:00I can't anymore.
06:02I thought you liked Teresa.
06:04I love her, but read this.
06:06Here.
06:06Here.
06:07Our choir sang at the White House.
06:10My roses were featured in Good Housekeeping.
06:12Look at all of those exclamation points.
06:14You'd think that she pulled the pulp out of quicksand or something.
06:21So you don't like it that Teresa's doing well?
06:25Oh, it's not that.
06:26You know me.
06:27I don't bother about petty jealousy.
06:29Oh, yeah.
06:36That is not your style.
06:40That's right.
06:41I just want people to read about me and think, well, Marie's doing well, too.
06:46Well, yeah, I can understand that.
06:48But can't you write a letter that makes you look good without making me look so...
06:51Doofusy?
07:05Yeah.
07:07Doofusy.
07:08Well, I guess I'm just trying to make myself sound as important as Teresa.
07:14But what am I?
07:16I've got my kids, I've got my grandkids, him over there.
07:21It's okay.
07:22I'll just let the world read about me in Teresa's letter.
07:26What did she write about you?
07:28Not much.
07:28How much is there, really?
07:31Marie.
07:33Third page, second paragraph.
07:39We saw Marie and her family at Kate Kelly's wedding.
07:42They all seem to be doing well in their cozy little situation, living a stone's throw from
07:46each other.
07:46Not that they'd ever throw stones, ha-ha.
07:49Oh, she's a bitch.
07:56Listen, I would never say that, but it's nice to hear.
08:02Well, wait, what's so bad?
08:05Not that they'd ever throw stones, ha-ha.
08:08She's saying we don't get along.
08:10Where did somebody get off writing that?
08:18You know what, Marie?
08:20You and I are going to write our own Christmas letter together.
08:23Oh, no.
08:25What do you mean?
08:26Oh, we can write a better letter than St. Teresa.
08:28We'll make us both look good.
08:30Maybe you can even come up with a little dirt on her.
08:33She does have eczema.
08:34Great.
08:37What are we going to write about me?
08:39Well, what about all your trips to the Botanical Gardens, huh?
08:42Get up.
08:42What?
08:44What about the garden?
08:45Well, you know more about that place than most of the guides.
08:48Marie is the best guide at the Botanical Gardens.
08:51We'll put that right in there.
08:52We would?
08:53Yeah, of course.
08:54Let's start right now.
08:55Oh, yes.
08:55The sooner we write it, the sooner we can wipe that smug grin.
08:58off her dry, itchy face.
09:03Hey, uh, excuse me, excuse me.
09:05Let's not forget it's Christmas, you know?
09:07A time for not being so...
09:15And to all a good night.
09:23Okay, this all looks great.
09:25You know, there's just one thing.
09:27Shouldn't we use the word selfless to describe your work as a piano teacher?
09:32Oh.
09:33Hi, Robbie.
09:34Hey.
09:35Hey, Robbie.
09:36What's going on?
09:43Robert's meteoric rise through the NYPD has really turned some heads, both here at home
09:50and at the precinct.
09:51What is this?
09:53I heard you were writing a family Christmas letter, so I did my bio.
10:00I would like it inserted verbatim.
10:05You wrote your own thing?
10:06Indeed I did.
10:09Well, we've already finished it, dear.
10:11Yeah.
10:12Oh, really?
10:12Is it anything like your last Christmas letter?
10:15Well, I haven't written a Christmas letter in ten years.
10:22Look familiar?
10:24You kept that ten years?
10:27Oh, yes.
10:27I wasn't exactly pleased with the way I was portrayed, and I made a solemn pledge to never
10:32let that happen again.
10:34Dude, you are so weird.
10:38Am I, Raymond?
10:41Somebody!
10:50There were six lines in your section.
10:52I got three.
10:54Okay?
10:55And after it came out, everybody gave me, like, a pitiful, pathetic look.
10:58You always get that look.
11:01It was more pronounced, man.
11:04Well, we can't change anything now, Robbie.
11:07But don't worry.
11:08There's a lovely part about you.
11:10Oh, yeah?
11:11Yeah.
11:11Let me see that.
11:13Uh-huh, uh-huh.
11:14Okay, okay, okay.
11:15Uh, uh, Raymond gets one, two, three, four, five, six, seven lines, and I get one, two,
11:21three.
11:22Three!
11:22Less than half!
11:23I'm losing ground!
11:26All right, let's see what you wrote.
11:29Robert is an in-demand bachelor, happily playing the field.
11:33That's right.
11:36Robert loves to dance and has been known to boogie the night-a-way.
11:42So, so let me get this straight.
11:44You've broadened the definition of the term boogie to include staying home by yourself eating
11:49wheat thins?
11:52I am a dancer!
11:56What are you getting so worked up for?
11:57It's this Christmas letter.
11:59It's no big deal.
12:00Oh, yeah.
12:00Not for you.
12:01You got the whole Raymond fan club doing your writing.
12:05Let's take a gander at this year's model, shall we?
12:13What can you say about Raymond?
12:16Whether he's playing with the children or playing golf, the guy loves life.
12:22Oh, happy days.
12:33He is still writing his column for New York Newsday.
12:36Oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, wait a minute.
12:38What do you mean still writing my column?
12:41Like I should be doing something better by now?
12:43No, that's not what we meant.
12:46It's not still writing, it's still writing.
12:49Yeah, well, but that's not how it's going to read.
12:52People are going to get the wrong impression here.
12:54Ooh.
12:57This is going out to everybody that we know?
12:58Of course.
12:59No, no, not like this it isn't.
13:01Oh, Ray, come on, you're overreacting.
13:02I am not overreacting.
13:10I could be managing editor of the sports page by now if I wanted.
13:13I could work for the New York Times if I wanted.
13:15Well, you know that, Raymond.
13:16No.
13:17By the way, why didn't you go for that managing editor thing?
13:20Oh, gee, there it is.
13:22See, the truth comes out.
13:24That's what you mean by still.
13:25We're changing this letter.
13:26No, no, no, that's not what we meant.
13:28And nobody's going to think of that.
13:29I'm not right when I'm running it.
13:41Hey, hold it, hold it!
13:44I'm hungry.
13:48You have to wait, because Debra and I have to finish our Christmas letter.
13:52Yeah, look what they write about you in here, Dad.
13:54What do you mean?
13:55What did you say?
13:55Yeah, all they do is list your favorite cable channels, and then they say, his love affair
14:02with bacon continues.
14:05The surgery channel on there, Marie?
14:08First on the list.
14:09I'm good.
14:11Well, yeah, well, I'm not, okay?
14:13Look, you may not think my job is so hot, but 600,000 discriminating readers do.
14:18So, you've broadened the definition of the word discriminating to include people who
14:23do their reading with their elbow on a roll of toilet paper?
14:34Hey, at least I don't spend my whole life competing with my little brother.
14:38Oh, yeah?
14:39Well, you know what, Raymond?
14:40Let me tell you something.
14:41I don't have to compete with you, all right?
14:42Oh, you don't compete.
14:44You don't compete.
14:44That's all you do.
14:46Yeah, sure.
14:46Look at this.
14:47You saved this for 10 years.
14:4910 years.
14:54Oh, my God.
15:01I saved that letter for 10 years.
15:05Robert, that's not so bad.
15:08In a Ziploc bag.
15:13Everything I do, my job, my marriage,
15:16trying to get Mom and Dad's attention.
15:19Leave me out of this.
15:21Anytime something good happens to me,
15:23the first thought I get is,
15:24hey, what about that, Raymond?
15:26And if it's something bad,
15:28I actually say a prayer that Ray
15:31doesn't do so good that day.
15:33You say a prayer?
15:36Come on, God.
15:38Come on, God.
15:38Get him.
15:46I remember this letter.
15:48I had all this stuff I was going to do
15:50when I retire on this.
15:52Was being nicer to your wife on there?
15:54Might as well have been.
15:55It's all ridiculous crap.
15:59Fix up a 57 Chevy
16:00and drive it across the country.
16:02Why would I want to do that?
16:04That's where California is.
16:06You all know how I feel about California?
16:09Yes.
16:10A state full of nut jobs, hippies,
16:12and artsy-fartsies
16:13drive across country?
16:14I'd rather drive off a cliff.
16:18I'll warm up the car.
16:21All right, here's what it should say.
16:24Ray entertains and informs his readers
16:26with stories that use sports
16:28to illuminate the human condition.
16:30You heard me, human condition.
16:33Right, whatever you want, Ray.
16:35If you're happy where you are,
16:37then so am I.
16:38All I'm saying is that
16:40if you went for that promotion,
16:41you would get it.
16:42Yeah, well, what if the job I have right now,
16:44huh, what if that's it?
16:45Yeah, that's fine.
16:47Great.
16:48But I just think that...
16:49Don't budge, all right?
16:50Don't budge.
16:50Why are you getting so...
16:51I already tried for the stupid editor thing,
16:53all right?
16:54Twice.
16:55I didn't get it.
16:56Twice.
16:57Oh.
16:58There, you happy?
17:00Little better.
17:11Sorry.
17:14Why didn't you say something before?
17:17It's not exactly something you'd come home bragging about.
17:22Seriously, man,
17:23you can't keep all that stuff bottled up.
17:31You have to share it with us
17:35when you fail.
17:44Oh, sweet.
17:45Oh, honey.
17:47Honey.
17:48Well, if you ever talk to me about your problems,
17:51I'm a good listener.
17:53I've wasted the last ten years of my life.
17:55Not now, Frank.
17:57I didn't do any of this stuff on here.
17:58None of it.
17:59Now what the hell am I?
18:01Just a list of cable channels
18:03and a big stinking pile of bacon waiting to die.
18:07Big deal.
18:09At least you weren't competing with someone your entire life.
18:12You were your own man.
18:13Were your own man?
18:15Past tense?
18:17You can't wait, can you?
18:19Hey, hey, hey, don't worry, Dad.
18:21You're still alive, just like I'm still a writer.
18:23I don't want to hear this kind of talk.
18:25We should all be counting our blessings.
18:28What blessings?
18:28Why did you write a Christmas letter?
18:30Look what you did.
18:31Hey, it's not too late to do all the things on that list.
18:35See Frank Sinatra in concert?
18:41All right, all right, enough.
18:43Here, make a new list and start on that.
18:45You can do it.
18:46You're not dead yet, Frank.
18:48And, Robert, come on.
18:50You're smart, successful, handsome,
18:52no matter what Ray does or doesn't do.
18:54You're not a loser.
18:55You're a lieutenant in the New York City Police Department,
18:59for God's sake.
19:00Yeah, what about me?
19:00You're fine.
19:01You're married to me, okay?
19:09All of you.
19:11Come on.
19:20Why do you even have to write that letter?
19:23It's the letter that makes it sound bad.
19:25Get rid of the letter.
19:26Yeah, yeah, get rid of her.
19:28We worked all afternoon on this.
19:30It's a Christmas letter.
19:31Yeah, I went out of it.
19:32I forbid you to use my name or likeness.
19:35Oh, Frank, no, don't you.
19:37No, be too, be too, be too.
19:39No, Frank.
19:41Hey, I'm not going to be the only loser in there.
19:43I'm out too.
19:58This is Christmas.
20:00We're supposed to share our joyous news of family.
20:03It's nobody's damn business.
20:05Stay straight.
20:06Let's watch the game.
20:07There we go.
20:08Yeah.
20:09There you go.
20:10Guys.
20:12Look at this.
20:14We can't send it out like this.
20:16What would people think?
20:19It's just me and you now.
20:24Here's your part, dear.
20:26I've got to get this to the post office.
20:28Thanks for your help, dear.
20:37Isn't this nice?
20:39Christmas morning and we're all together.
20:41Yeah, this is nice.
20:42This is what it's all about.
20:44Yeah.
20:44Read another one, Dad.
20:46Okay.
20:47This one is from Linda and Dennis McCarthy.
20:51Oh, they're the worst.
20:53Dear family and friends.
20:55We're neither.
20:56Keep going.
20:57Is it Christmas already?
20:59With our trip to Colonial Williamsburg remodeling the living room and Denny's successful run
21:05for city council, the months have just flown by.
21:10City council of what city?
21:12Jackassville?
21:18Is there a picture with that?
21:20Let me see the picture.
21:20Here you go.
21:21They always send pictures.
21:22Yeah.
21:23They always send them.
21:24Oh, the good old picture.
21:25There it go.
21:25There it is.
21:26Oh, it looks like that living room isn't the only thing she's remodeling.
21:33Look at that.
21:33It looks like she's in a wind tunnel.
21:36Of course, the big news around here is a new addition to our family.
21:41His name is Tic Tac, and he's 22 pounds of fuzzy fun.
21:47That is one ugly kid.
21:50That's the dog.
21:51The kid's outside peeing on a fire hydrant.
22:01Oh, I love Christmas.
22:05Oh, my God.
22:06Oh, my God.
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