- 6 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:03Hey, Ray.
00:03Shut the door! Shut it!
00:05What? What?
00:05Shut the door and don't walk anywhere.
00:07You're freaking me out, man. What's going on?
00:11I lost the hamster. Ali's hamster.
00:14Oh, no. He got out?
00:16Yes, he got out. What the hell?
00:25Come on, look.
00:26Deborah and the kids are going to be home in an hour.
00:27You got to help me look for them.
00:30They leave you alone for one weekend
00:32and the only other living thing in the house
00:34needs to run away.
00:39Get off, all right? Just help me look.
00:42Pumpernickel! Pumpernickel!
00:44Pumpernickel! Pumpernickel!
00:45Here, Pumpernickel.
00:47Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don't call him like that.
00:49He's a hamster. He doesn't know his name.
00:51We should make hamster noises.
00:54We should make hamster noises.
01:22You could use a mint.
01:38They're coming!
01:41Pumpernickel!
01:53Pumpernickel!
02:08Pumpernickel!
02:19Mom, what are you doing?
02:20You're supposed to help me.
02:22Would you look at these crumbs?
02:23The way Debra keeps his kitchen,
02:25it's a miracle this place isn't infested with hamsters.
02:31He's not in the basement.
02:36Just so you know, we want the hamster brought back alive.
02:39That's up to him.
02:43All right, I checked out the entire top floor.
02:45No sign of pumpernickel.
02:47By the way, you shouldn't hide valuables in your top drawer.
02:50And you could use some new underwear, Raven.
02:55I'll put it on the list, dear.
02:58All right, look, they're going to be back in an hour.
02:59I'm just going to go to the pet store and get a new hamster, that's all.
03:01Well, you can't do that.
03:03Why not? Why not?
03:04They all look alike. She'll never know the difference.
03:06You would lie to your daughter like that?
03:08I'm not going to lie.
03:09I'm just going to say, here's your hamster, honey.
03:13I'm telling Ali.
03:16Just mind your business.
03:17Look, you're not going to find one that looks the same.
03:19Oh, yeah.
03:20Where am I going to find a brown hamster?
03:24I cannot be a party to that lie.
03:27You just keep your mouth shut, copper.
03:33Don't tell me to shut up.
03:34Yeah, how about I make you, huh?
03:36How about I'm right over here?
03:37How about I'm coming over here?
03:38I'm coming over here.
03:39I'm coming over here.
03:39I'm coming over here.
03:40Stop it.
03:42Be nice, boys.
03:44All right, now.
03:45We all need a break.
03:47Let's have a snack.
03:48And maybe if Pumpernickel hears us enjoying our food, he'll join us.
03:54He can have some of yours.
03:55He's not getting any of mine.
04:03What?
04:04What are you doing?
04:04I'm trying to move it.
04:05Could you get up?
04:06Give me a ride.
04:12What is it, Rob?
04:13What?
04:18Oh, boy.
04:19There he is.
04:22Where?
04:23Right there.
04:24What?
04:25All I see is fudge pops.
04:27Look at the hairy one on the left.
04:30Oh, boy.
04:40What?
04:44Holy crap.
04:51What did you do?
04:54What did I do?
04:55What do you think I put him in?
04:56I don't know how he got in there.
04:57Oh, he climbed into an airtight freezer by himself?
05:01I don't know how this could have happened.
05:03I cleaned out the hamster cage,
05:06and I must not have snapped the cage back together tight enough,
05:09and wait a minute, wait a minute.
05:10Then I went grocery shopping.
05:12Did you have the groceries on the table?
05:15He must have climbed into the bag that had the fudge pops.
05:19Look.
05:19Look at his whiskers.
05:20They're all fudgy.
05:21Whoa.
05:27His last meal.
05:32Poor Pumpernickel.
05:33Allie's gonna hate me.
05:34Hey, give me one of those.
05:36Hey, get out of here.
05:38Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
05:40Wait a minute.
05:40He may not be dead.
05:41What?
05:41Are you kidding?
05:42You could crack a walnut with that thing.
05:45No, I'm serious.
05:46He may be cryogenically preserved
05:48in a state of suspended animation.
05:52He's dead, all right?
05:53I have to buy another one now.
05:54Okay, look, not necessarily, Ray.
05:56We may be able to resuscitate him.
05:59Hey, let's toss him in the microwave.
06:01Hey.
06:04All right, all right, that's it.
06:06I'm taking over this operation.
06:08Ma, get me some towels, Dad.
06:09I need some ice, Raymond, or cooler.
06:11We're evacuating Pumpernickel to the vet.
06:13Let's go.
06:14Move, move, move, move, move, move.
06:17The vet is not gonna revive a hamster, okay?
06:19These are disposable pets.
06:21What about your daughter's feelings, Ray, huh?
06:24Are those disposable?
06:25All right.
06:25No, it's not all right!
06:27I happen to care about a little girl
06:30whose heart is gonna break
06:31if she finds out that her daddy
06:32didn't do everything he could
06:33to save the life of her precious hamster.
06:37Now, damn it, Raymond, get me that cooler.
06:43Hey, Ray, you forgot to fill the ice tray.
06:45Well, then we'll just pack them with fudge pops.
06:47What about this box of fish sticks?
06:49Oh, throw them in, too.
06:50When Deborah comes home,
06:51I'll show her how to cook a real fish.
07:10Deborah?
07:14Frank?
07:16Get up!
07:17Huh?
07:18Come on!
07:18This place is a mess!
07:20You haven't done a thing!
07:21Hey, leave me alone.
07:23I'm taking a break.
07:26What have you been doing?
07:30I not only straighten out the kitchen,
07:32I scrubbed the countertops
07:33and I cleaned out the freezer.
07:35And you celebrate with a bottle of Hooch?
07:40Hey, we're home!
07:41Hi, Grandma!
07:42Hi, Grandma!
07:43Hey, sweetheart!
07:44Frank?
07:45Hi, sweetheart!
07:47This isn't mine.
07:49This is Mommy's.
07:51Marie, where's Ray?
07:53Oh, Raymond had to rush out, but he should be back soon.
07:56Why does my living room look like a frat house?
07:59I didn't notice any difference, I didn't notice any difference, really.
08:04Hi, Daddy!
08:06Hey, everybody!
08:07You're home!
08:08Hi!
08:09Hey!
08:10Hi!
08:10How was your visit?
08:11Oh, boy, I missed you.
08:12How's your father?
08:13How's his thing?
08:14He's got a knee...
08:15What do you have?
08:15A knee?
08:15Oh, he got a new car.
08:16Right.
08:16He got a new car, right?
08:24What happened here?
08:25Oh, nothing.
08:27I don't know.
08:27Why?
08:28What's that?
08:29Oh!
08:31Oh, we gave Pumpernickel a ride in Robert's police car.
08:35Yeah.
08:36Yeah.
08:37He liked it, too.
08:39Rolled the whole way with his head out the window.
08:42Oh!
08:43Oh!
08:46This isn't Pumpernickel.
08:48Daddy, where's Pumpernickel?
08:55Um...
09:02Um...
09:03Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks.
09:09Um...
09:14Pumpernickel sleeps with the fish sticks.
09:21You know, Allie, it's my understanding that freezing is a virtually painless way to go.
09:31Unlike marriage, where the pain is...
09:33What?
09:39Can I see Pumpernickel?
09:41No, no, Allie, you shouldn't.
09:42Yeah, sure, honey.
09:43You can go see.
09:44What?
09:45It's important for closure.
09:48Closure.
09:50Reading books again?
09:54Why is he covered in chocolate?
10:00Some of the fudge pops must have melted.
10:03What?
10:04Huh?
10:04Gimme, gimme!
10:05No, no, no, no!
10:06Get out of here!
10:06No, guys, stop it!
10:08No, there's cookies in the kitchen.
10:09Go on, honey.
10:10Go, go, go, go, go.
10:12Give me a sweet hug.
10:14You know, the important thing to know, Allie, is that Pumpernickel is in heaven.
10:19Not really.
10:20Frank.
10:22Not real heaven, not people heaven.
10:24There's only one heaven.
10:26For your information, there's a whole separate heaven for animals.
10:29And just where did you learn that?
10:31It's in the Bible.
10:33I've read plenty of damn Bibles.
10:44Do all animals go to heaven or just pets?
10:47All animals go to people heaven with us, dear.
10:51People heaven's for people.
10:52Your grandma's been hitting the sauce.
10:58All right.
11:00Thanks for clearing that up.
11:03Do the animals go to hell?
11:05We don't use those words, Allie.
11:07Bad animals go to hell, kid.
11:11Believe you me, I know.
11:14When I was your age, there was this mean old German shepherd named Ilse.
11:19I was walking to school one day, and I must have crossed too close to her territory.
11:24In those days, the Germans were very sensitive about their territory.
11:35Well, that's all it took for Fräulein Ilse, the Nazi she-wolf, to jump out and take a hunk out
11:41of my all-American hide.
11:44They still have the scar.
11:47You want to see it?
11:48I'll show you.
11:49What are you doing?
11:52All right.
11:54The point is, Fräulein Ilse is probably in hell right now, dragging a Nazi butt across the devil's carpet.
12:10Thank you for that heartwarming story.
12:15Look, Allie, I'm very sorry that this happened, but now it's time to meet your brand new hamster.
12:23No, thanks.
12:24Oh, come on.
12:24Look, look.
12:25He looks just like the old pumpkin nickel.
12:27And the guy at the store told me that in a couple years, he might fly.
12:36Tray, don't tell her that.
12:39All right.
12:41All right, so he won't, he's not going to fly, but he did say that, that he's magical.
12:49Tray.
12:50His personality.
12:53No, Dad.
12:55Oh, come on, Allie.
12:56Just take a look.
12:57He's a cute little replacement.
12:59I don't want a replacement, Daddy.
13:05I think that's exactly what she needs, a replacement, Daddy.
13:18Could you go home, please?
13:21Take these two theologians with you?
13:30Look, you don't understand, sweetie, when a child's pet dies, she has to go through a grieving process before she
13:38can take on a new pet.
13:40All right, you can read.
13:42We get it.
13:46Isn't it a little morbid to make such a big deal out of this?
13:49No, it's not morbid.
13:50It's reality.
13:51Oh, come on.
13:51It's a hamster.
13:53Just leave her alone, and she'll get over it.
13:55You know what I think would be healthy for all the kids if we have sort of a formal goodbye
13:59ceremony for Pumpernickel?
14:01Good idea, Deb.
14:02Yeah.
14:02Ray can dig a hole in the backyard.
14:04I'm not digging a hole.
14:04You're digging a hole.
14:05And I will get a shoebox, all right?
14:08Okay, I'll put out the cold cuts.
14:11I'll get some beer.
14:15All right.
14:16Let's put on a funeral.
14:29Hey.
14:31How's it going?
14:33I'm digging through solid rock in a rainstorm.
14:35How do you think it's going?
14:38What, are you made of sugar?
14:39It's barely drizzling.
14:45Ow!
14:48Careful, honey.
14:52Why don't you dig this hole?
14:53This is all your fault anyway, you know?
14:54You should have told me about that broken piece on the hamster cage.
14:57Hey, hey.
14:57If you were a little more involved, you'd pick up on these details.
15:01Oh, really?
15:02Yeah.
15:03Maybe I'll make this hole a little bigger.
15:15Oh.
15:16Come on, Dad.
15:19Again with the metal detector?
15:20What are you doing?
15:21Your mother's birthday's coming up.
15:26Yeah.
15:27Well, there's nothing here but dirt and rocks.
15:29That's better than what he got me last year.
15:34All right, Allie.
15:35Why don't you, we'll put the box in and then I'll put the dirt on it.
15:38Wait.
15:39I want everybody to say something about Pumpernickel first.
15:42Oh, that's good.
15:43Yeah.
15:43And then we'll all take a handful of dirt and toss it in.
15:46What are you doing?
15:46I think that's what she wants.
15:49It's raining, honey.
15:50Look, I think we should do this Allie's way.
15:52You want to get under my umbrella?
15:53I'm wonderful right where I am.
15:54Thank you very much.
15:58Daddy, would you like to start?
16:00Oh, I don't know.
16:02Honey, why don't we let Grandpa start?
16:04Go ahead.
16:04Grandpa?
16:07Dad, could you power it down for a second?
16:11Oh, oh, oh, oh.
16:12All right, all right.
16:14Uh, Pumpernickel.
16:18Like the hamster?
16:19Love the bread.
16:22Next.
16:25Grandma?
16:26Okay, dear.
16:28Even though Pumpernickel has gone from this earth,
16:32I know he'll always be looking down at us from heaven.
16:35People heaven.
16:38All right, go ahead, it's Robert.
16:40Ugh!
16:45Death.
16:52The final goodbye.
16:56The ultimate toodaloo.
16:59Well, maybe, maybe death is not the end.
17:03Maybe it's a beginning.
17:06Perhaps it's the ultimate howdy-do.
17:09Are you kidding me?
17:10Are you kidding me?
17:10What's the matter, Ray?
17:12Too deep for you?
17:15Good.
17:16Go ahead, Robert.
17:18You know, I have come to the conclusion that when I die,
17:21I would like to die like Pumpernickel.
17:25Quietly, painlessly,
17:27chocolate fudge pop stuck to the corner of my mouth.
17:32For that, my friends,
17:34must be a happy death.
17:40Aloha.
17:42Which means goodbye and hello.
17:46Bye.
17:47Same with shalom.
17:50Shut up.
17:51One minute.
17:51All right, Ray.
17:56Your turn, Mommy.
17:59Okay, well, I've always felt very close to Pumpernickel,
18:03especially since I did a lot of the feeding and cleaning and,
18:09you know, most of the work.
18:13So Pumpernickel's passing is going to leave a big hole in my life.
18:17I can't imagine what I'll do with the time.
18:23So long, Pumpernickel.
18:29Michael?
18:30Allie, why don't we do the twins as a set, okay?
18:32Because it's raining.
18:34Why don't you come under my umbrella?
18:36Hey, no talking.
18:37Hamster funeral.
18:41I miss you, Pumpernickel.
18:46Jeffrey?
18:47I miss you too, Pumpernickel.
18:54Now my turn.
18:56I miss you too, Pumpernickel.
18:59You are my best friend.
19:01And you still are.
19:04Don't worry, Pumpernickel.
19:06You'll always be with me because I'll never forget you.
19:19Your turn, Daddy.
19:28Uh...
19:30Um...
19:32I didn't have much contact with...
19:37I didn't know Pumpernickel very well.
19:40Uh, the only thing I remember is
19:42when we brought him back from the pet store
19:45and Allie wanted me to hold him
19:47so I reached out to grab him
19:49and he bit me on the finger
19:51and it hurt.
19:54So Daddy said a bad word.
20:03But Allie picked up the Pumpernickel
20:07and she showed me how to hold him.
20:11Like this.
20:13Right?
20:20I never noticed until just now
20:22how grown up you are.
20:26The way you were with your friend
20:28and what you said just now.
20:30You really...
20:34You really seem grown up.
20:37I'm proud of you.
20:49Damn hamster.
20:58Daddy?
21:03Can we get a rabbit tomorrow?
21:07Yeah, guys.
21:08Whatever you want.
21:09Yeah!
21:10Yeah!
21:12Yeah!
21:13Yeah!
21:14Yeah!
21:15Yeah!
21:16Yeah!
21:17Yeah!
21:19Rabbit, that's a bigger hole.
21:38You all laughed at me, huh?
21:40Big waste of time, huh?
21:46Huh?
21:49They think I'll buy myself a Yoo-Hoo.
21:57There goes my birthday present.
21:58You all laughed.
22:03Daddy...
22:04...
22:27I love those, right?
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