00:01So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which, when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too... warm.
00:17That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country.
00:21And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you.
00:24So, welcome then, to the Top Gear Winter Olympics.
00:30It's the Winter Olympics. Speed it up a bit.
00:49Right, we'll begin with the biathlon.
00:51Now, normally, this is a combination of skiing and shooting.
00:55But since this is Top Gear, we'll be driving and shooting.
01:00Let's start by meeting the contestants.
01:06I shall be using this, the new Audi Q7.
01:11Audi's first attempt to make a school run 4x4.
01:15You see, the Q7 is based loosely on the Porsche Cayenne, but with all the really hardcore off-road stuff taken out.
01:27So, it's a bit like having your big snow boots made by that Jimmy Shoes bloke.
01:32It's a full 3 inches longer than a Land Rover Discovery, and it's a full 3% uglier than a Troll.
01:42But there are some good things about it.
01:45It has a very, very good V6 3 litre diesel engine, an excellent gearbox, and, most importantly, it has seven seats.
01:55And the price for this? The 3 litre diesel SE? Just under £40,000.
02:00Very good. The second sort of semi-off-roader for families.
02:08But what's the point of being second? That's like driving around in Buzz Aldrin.
02:12I'd much rather have Neil Armstrong.
02:15So, here he is, the car I'll be using as I bid for Olympic gold.
02:22It's the Volvo Hexie 90.
02:26This was the first seven seat 4x4 designed by someone who had children,
02:31not by an engineer who'd read about them in a book.
02:36It's a brilliant car. It really is.
02:39It's not mumsy. It's not gittish.
02:42It's like the family pet. It's like having a faithful old Labrador.
02:48There's more, too. It's got a smooth new diesel engine.
02:52It's more spacious than the Audi, and it's £4,000 cheaper.
02:59So, which is best? The Labrador or Buzz Aldrin?
03:04Well, that's what we're going to find out in our biathlon.
03:07The rules are very simple.
03:10We drive three kilometres around the course, stop, shoot at five targets,
03:14and there's a five-second time penalty for every miss.
03:17Yeah, then we do another three kilometres on another course,
03:20come back here, shoot at the targets again,
03:22this time lying down in the back of the cars,
03:24then it's a sprint to the finish.
03:26The winner, that'll be me, gets gold,
03:29and the loser gets to eat some golden snow.
03:41Come on!
03:43James grabbed an early lead in his more powerful Audi.
03:46Whoa!
03:51And in my enthusiasm to catch him up...
03:53Freeze!
03:57Oh, ****!
04:01I love the Winter Olympics, me.
04:03He would, because Captain Slow was now well ahead.
04:08I don't want to eat golden snow!
04:10Yeah, it's bumpy!
04:21By athletes, I need to eat 6,000 calories a day.
04:256,000!
04:26That's the equivalent of two pounds of butter,
04:2970 slices of bread, 112 eggs,
04:3386 tubs of yoghurt,
04:3628 potatoes,
04:38117 biscuits,
04:40and 21 Twix bars.
04:43On that basis, I could be an Olympic biathlete.
04:50Thanks to my off, James had already arrived at the Shooting Rangers.
04:57Magazine in.
04:59Now, your real biathlete arrives here,
05:01with his heart doing about 180 beats per minute,
05:04and he has to time this with his heartbeat,
05:06and he's breathing.
05:15Shooting range!
05:21Five out of five to beat, Volvo man!
05:24I don't care about his score,
05:27because not only is he using the wrong car,
05:29he's using the wrong gun.
05:322.2's alright when you're nine,
05:33but when you're in a hurry,
05:34you need one of these.
05:35A Heckler & Cock MP5 machine pistol.
05:39OK, fully automatic.
05:42Eat lead!
05:44Olympic target.
05:53Oh, yeah.
05:57Staggeringly, I've missed the lot.
06:00So that was a five-second penalty for each one.
06:04Oh, 25 seconds is a week!
06:11Nice sideways there.
06:16OK, I'm about a minute behind Captain Slow,
06:17there's a lot of time to be made up.
06:20Power!
06:22Come on!
06:24The diesel, of course, is excellent for off-roading.
06:27As we're demonstrating,
06:28I want to turn this one in really tight.
06:29Give it a bit of boot.
06:34Environmentalists say that when the Gulfstream stops,
06:36Britain will look like this.
06:38Bring it on!
06:41With Clarkson nowhere in sight,
06:42I arrived back at the rifle range,
06:45and this time we had to fire lying down from inside the car,
06:49which meant dropping the rear seats.
06:51What are we doing here?
06:55Right, headrest.
06:56Out, down.
06:58That's it.
07:00In the Q7, it was a doddle.
07:02I press that.
07:03That's it.
07:06Take cover.
07:10Come on!
07:12Oh, cock!
07:18I've missed a couple.
07:19Oh, mate, you're in the middle of the road!
07:25Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
07:28Just no stop beeping, ya horn!
07:33Did you miss any?
07:35Good, you did the penalty bin.
07:36Right.
07:37Seat's down.
07:39Now, the good thing is,
07:42I actually have one of these cars at home.
07:45Why does that go down?
07:48That's not it.
07:49That's not it.
07:55I'm stuck.
07:57How can I not know?
07:59I'm gonna have to phone my wife.
08:02Hi, darling.
08:03No, I know.
08:04I've pulled the handle.
08:06Oh, the what?
08:07There's...
08:08OK, thanks.
08:09Aha!
08:10Go on!
08:11It's flat enough!
08:12Lower that.
08:14There we go.
08:16Of course, the great thing about Jeremy's shooting is that you are perfectly safe, just as long as you stand right in front of the target.
08:23Actually, I'd learned my lesson, and I wasn't gonna miss this time.
08:26This time.
08:44So with James thundering along, I was back in the penalty box.
08:48Stevie Wonder could have done better!
08:52Bit of air!
08:55That's...
08:56Oi!
08:57That's excellent!
08:59But then James stopped thundering and started crashing.
09:03God.
09:05Burn off!
09:07James is off!
09:09James is off!
09:10Yes!
09:11I mean...
09:12No!
09:13Oh, no!
09:14Oh, poor James!
09:15Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
09:26Never has a Volvo been driven like this before.
09:32That's him!
09:33That's James!
09:34Come on, let me catch him!
09:46Sod off, Clarkson!
09:48We are neck and neck as we're coming to the finish!
09:54No, he's getting ahead!
09:56He's on the outside, this is looking good!
09:59Oh!
10:02Oh, that's a mistake!
10:03Come on!
10:05Up the stair!
10:06Oh!
10:07He's coming through!
10:09Come on!
10:10Come on!
10:11Yes!
10:12Oh, no!
10:14No!
10:15Yes!
10:16Yes!
10:17I've won a Top Gear event!
10:19Yes!
10:20So, that's 1-0 to Captain Slow, despite what we both thought was rather a poor car.
10:32Not only is it ugly, but the air suspension is too complicated and the seat layout is all wrong.
10:40Still, it didn't change the outcome.
10:44You are kidding.
10:47It's your rules!
10:53Oh!
10:56I wish I hadn't used a machine gun.
10:59Well, quite.
11:00What were you drinking up?
11:03Anyway, you've probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today, and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.
11:11Yes, he is. He's on live every afternoon, filling Paul O'Grady's slot.
11:17I just realised what I said.
11:19I know!
11:21Anyway, the thing is, before we started entertaining the unemployed and the elderly, we gave him a taste of what life would be like out here.
11:28Yes, in Nanita, actually.
11:32This is the Motor Industry Research Association.
11:36Here, cars are tested to destruction.
11:40And, in this chamber, they can recreate the freezing temperatures at the North Pole.
11:46It's the perfect place for a Top Gear experiment.
11:53Namely, who breaks first in extreme cold? Car or man?
11:58The car we've chosen is a Citroen C1, one of the most basic vehicles you can buy.
12:10And the man it's going up against is also pretty basic.
12:14Me.
12:15Oh, good.
12:18According to a Top Frostbite boffin, the experience would not be pleasant.
12:24Sort of minus 30, you're going to be in a lot of trouble if you're still in the car.
12:28Ice crystals start to form in the tissues of your skin, will puncture the cells, and they'll stay frozen.
12:34Your fingers are going to swell.
12:35Anything else that's got frostbite, particularly in manhood, might swell up a little blister.
12:40It'll be very, very uncomfortable, and eventually probably drop off.
12:43Drop off.
12:44Drop off.
12:48In order to protect me and my manhood, I was covered in temperature sensors.
12:53To be on the safe side, there needs to be an actual thermometer in me.
12:58And this doesn't go in my mouth.
13:00The car got slightly more dignified treatment.
13:06And finally, with me wearing just a scarf and a woolly pulley, we were both ready for the big freeze.
13:13Sir, well, they were a bit worried my nose might drop off.
13:17So they have to monitor the temperature with that.
13:20It's all right, you'll get used to it. You won't even notice it.
13:22The temperature was a mere minus three, so the evil boffins activated an 80-mile-an-hour arctic wind.
13:33The bottle is heating up. Well, no, it's cooling down. You know, it's...
13:41And we're turning the ignition on, everything works.
13:44So far, I'd say we're evil. We're both just hanging on in there.
13:47The C1 comes with a little socket, and you can plug in your iPod.
13:51And the officer very kindly provided me one.
13:54They've put some music on it, so I don't know what we've got.
13:56I'd been in the wind tunnel for over an hour now, and it was almost minus 23 in the car.
14:02I'd been in the wind tunnel for over an hour now, and it was almost minus 23 in the car.
14:19In the engine bay, it was closer to a much toastier minus 17 degrees, so surely the engine would start.
14:37Battery works.
14:42Come on.
14:43I'm giving you your best chance. Come on!
14:49But there was no pulse.
14:52You are out!
14:54So, I'd already beaten the engine.
14:58The reason was I was running on blood, but the car was running on diesel.
15:02This is a little beaker of diesel, and look, it's gone loopy and solid because it's so cold.
15:10But the contest wasn't over.
15:13This was a battle to the finish, and the C1's electrics were still going.
15:18However, the boffins were now starting to get worried about my falling skin temperature.
15:23How's your nose getting on? All your tackle okay? Still intact?
15:27Assumably.
15:29It's minus 26 in here now.
15:33I wonder if the car battery still works.
15:35Give it a shot.
15:37Yeah.
15:40Gearbox oil, it's all frozen up.
15:44Try the R-Pod.
15:46I got my first real six string.
15:51Roll it at the five and done.
15:54Hated till my fingers bled.
15:58Was it summer of 69?
16:01Me and some guys from school.
16:11The evil boffins reactivated the Arctic wind,
16:14and the temperature plummeted to minus 40 degrees centigrade.
16:22Amazingly, the electrics still worked.
16:25Just.
16:27I was now in the frostbite zone and close to cracking.
16:30My brain was so fuddled.
16:32Here's to daylight paper.
16:35It had trouble tackling a simple 11 plus test.
16:39Boot.
16:40What?
16:47The boffins were gonna have to pull me out.
16:50But would the car crack first?
16:52Right, here we go.
16:53Oh.
16:56Oh.
16:58It's, er...
17:01I've had it.
17:04Nobody can deny.
17:06It hung on in there.
17:07It never claimed to be a polar exploration vehicle.
17:09It's a tiny little cheap supermini.
17:12It did incredibly well, but in the end...
17:14I was better.
17:20So there you are.
17:21If you want to drive to the North Pole, buy a Hammond.
17:25Yes.
17:28It was amazing, wasn't it?
17:29Yeah, incredible.
17:30Mind you, you see how many clothes he was wearing?
17:32It must have been absolutely freezing in there.
17:36Either that, or he was a big girl's blouse.
17:40Yeah.
17:42Anyway, time for our next event.
17:51This is speed skating.
17:54Which, in the proper Olympics, involves a lot of men in condoms slithering about.
18:04In a race, their hearts beat 200 times a minute, and it's all jolly exciting.
18:10But we think we could do better.
18:14This is our ice skate.
18:17The brand new Jaguar XK8.
18:19And this is Tourville.
18:28What the older, fatter Tourville is going to be doing is racing this fellow.
18:34That is Eskel Ervik.
18:37And he's the world record holder for the 1500m skating quickly thing.
18:43Right, it's a 1500m race, three laps.
18:49And they're off.
18:51Well, he is anyway.
18:57That didn't go well.
19:02Now, oh, that's, that's extraordinary.
19:05There's no grip at all here.
19:09No braking, and no real steering.
19:11A bit of a slip from Tourville there.
19:21Here comes May.
19:23I think he's gaining on you.
19:24The skater was hitting 40mph through the bends.
19:42Jeremy was barely touching fourth.
19:44I don't think this is going to make it as an Olympic sport.
19:57You could slow down a ruddy funeral at this rate.
20:00I'm going this fast.
20:04This is so irritating having a man keeping up with me.
20:11It just got past me again.
20:14It's just toying with me now, look at him.
20:15No!
20:16I suspect it was my driving that let the Jag down there, because on the face of it...
20:17...this does seem to be quite a car.
20:18I suspect it was my driving that let the Jag down there, because on the face of it...
20:20...this does seem to be quite a car.
20:22Obviously, on the verge of a car, I've been missing a lot.
20:24It's just toying with me now, look at him.
20:26I suspect it was my driving that let the Jag down there, because on the face of it...
20:31...this does seem to be quite a car.
20:46car. Obviously, on snowy roads like these, I can't possibly do a proper road test, so
20:54we'll do that back in Britain in the spring. But there are some things that I can tell
21:00you now. For instance, it's faster and has two more seats than the new baby Aston. But
21:12it costs £15,000 less. Oh sure, the Aston's a beautiful looking car, but this isn't what
21:21you'd call a mirror, is it? It was designed by the same man who did the Aston. And if
21:31you think it's beautiful on the outside, wait till you see the interior. Old Jags were all
21:41full of wood and pipe tobacco. It was like being inside James May. But this one, it's
21:48like being inside James Kirk.
21:50James Kirk. It really is a starship in here. And it goes like one too. It really is very
22:09quick. Or it would be if I had a bit more space to play with. You could have so much
22:15fun on this road. Followed by such an enormous accident.
22:20James Kirk. So, because it was going dark, which it does every 15 seconds in Norway, I went
22:31back to meet James at the hotel. To make a plan for the next Top Gear Winter Olympic event.
22:39James Kirk.
22:46James Kirk.
22:47James Kirk.
22:48James Kirk.
22:49James Kirk.
22:50James Kirk.
22:51James Kirk.
22:52James Kirk.
22:53You know that Jack, you know it wasn't very good at speed skating?
22:55No.
22:56James Kirk.
22:57Well I was wondering how would it be, like, off road slalom speed dance skating?
23:03in well jeremy i've no idea because there's no such thing but it's just thought of it what you
23:09need okay great no honestly get a great big open area well frozen lake perfect and then carve a
23:15sort of course in it and then you drive around it yeah but what you want then is a four-wheel drive
23:21car you don't yes you do think about it the lake doesn't freeze like that does it freezes level
23:27there's nothing to do with hills you need four-wheel drive four-wheel drive will give you
23:31control in slippery corners that's what it's for that's why rally cars are four-wheel drive you need
23:36four-wheel drive no you won't you will you won't and in in the morning after we've had a million
23:40more beers i'm going to prove it to you fine you just wait we've got a long time to wait till morning
23:53sometime the next afternoon it was morning and we found the perfect frozen lake james also found his
24:00perfect car the four-wheel drive land rover discovery right i'm going to build a track and
24:09this is what i've got in mind it's going to start with a long sweeping curve where jeremy will get
24:15carried away and apply the power and then it will come down to a straight where there will be a series
24:20of tightening s's where jeremy will crash if he hasn't already then there's going to be another sweeping
24:26curve and over the other side there's going to be another series of tightening s's and then finally
24:31it will come back and join the big curve again
24:37very good but what james hadn't realized was that the ice might not be thick enough
24:42for his big land rover so at this point it is
24:46that thick yes do people fall through the ice in norway on lakes yes often two last week two last
24:58week yes and are they dead quite dead
25:05and james would be competing in a car that weighs nearly three tons
25:10whereas my jag was sitting as you can see from its satellite navigation screen
25:19right in the middle of the lake no problem at all because it's made from aluminium and therefore weighs
25:26about three ounces
25:34unaware of the problem bob the builder was busy with a tractor carving out a course
25:42pretty cutting day onto the five foot thick ice
25:47and while he did that i went for a sneaky practice in my two-wheel drive jack
25:52i'm alarmingly out of control here
26:12here's mr may
26:14you know in real ice skating people people sort of do this yeah and that yeah and this yeah
26:20you know what you're doing what you're going to get hands on ice cream
26:25like that finally our off-road speed dance men's women's no hill two-wheel drive challenge
26:36slalom was ready good track that james not bad is it so you ready yeah i'll have a go
26:43how thick's the ice oh you'll be fine seriously yeah
26:51and we're off
26:58nice bit of drift there and flick it the other way
27:04this is the best way to get the power of a bpa down onto the ice it's with four-wheel drive
27:09intelligent differentials intelligent traction control not just booting it and shouting
27:18you just don't need four-wheel drive out here you just don't need it
27:27oh yes
27:33i thought i heard the ice crack
27:34i'm reckoning on jeremy not even being able to face the correct direction of this he'll just go
27:41round and round in little circles
27:42oh
27:49what a drift
27:50very safe very steady and it took him two minutes three seconds pathetic rubbish man
28:02you're hardly moving rubbish i was going at a good consistent speed and in control which is the point
28:08i'm trying to make you were barely moving movements nonsense the other disappointment is that you
28:13didn't actually fall through the ice because do you know how thick it is four feet about five inches
28:19you're kidding well it's about five inches so how would the rear-wheel drive jag get on
28:32oh yeah with all this space it was so much easier and faster than it had been either on the ice rink
28:38or on the road sideways and controlled
28:42that's a pirouette that is a nice dancing circles
28:58this is rubbish
29:03work a bit harder here don't be lazy come on
29:05come on get in get in nosey give me some front end grip now
29:23it's good
29:30it's bad
29:35i want one of these cars no wait i want one of these lakes
29:57the final big sweeping corner they're looking i know from something elegant something pretty
30:05i don't want one of these cars
30:13james very good i won what do you mean you won i won no come on i went around there in two minutes
30:20three seconds you were actually 30 seconds behind when you crashed look ice dancing is not against the
30:26clock it's about poise and delicacy and beauty and i was much more beautiful than you
30:31yes but this is against the clock and it proves that four-wheel drive has thrashed two-wheel drives
30:37that's the end of it that was my victory it's going dark so we don't have any more time to argue
30:43okay and the thing is that before he became mired in a world of amusing shaped vegetables richard hammond
30:49came to norway with james for a race yes and we thought we'd show it to you again
30:54now just before go and get your discovery because i need to pull this out can i show you something
31:00first what since you were talking about richard hammond your car's had its teeth whitened
31:10lily hammer has one of the most formidable bobsleigh runs in the world the downhill course of twists and
31:17turns stretches for almost two kilometers
31:31even so a crack bobsleigh team can get down this run in just under a minute with the bobsleigh itself
31:37hitting 80 miles an hour that speed comes at a price for the passengers though because each member of the
31:43bobsleigh team is subjected to cornering forces of 5g that's more than an f1 driver suffers honestly
31:51to do this you'd have to be brave stupid or just desperate to get on the television so this is where
31:57i'll be sitting here in the middle and to make things even more arduous we're gonna have a race
32:05now we've come to lily hammer because alongside the bobsleigh run we have this road they start in
32:10the same place they run down the hill and they finish in the same place the road is almost exactly
32:16the same length as the bob run and like the bob run it's slippery dangerous and full of difficult corners
32:24it requires a special vehicle
32:32so that's what we've got it's a mitsubishi evo world rally car with a 300 horsepower turbocharged
32:38engine four-wheel drive and studied tyres so that's the challenge can the rally car beat the bobsleigh
32:46i happen to think it can although hammond tells me it definitely can't now this is my bobsleigh run it
32:53starts out it wiggles all the way down here and it finishes there and this is the road which is in
32:58green and it starts here and it wiggles all the way up there but it finishes in exactly the same place
33:02yes but here's a point my bobsleigh can get from there all the way down to there in less than a minute
33:08you've had it but you see all you've got to take you from there to there is gravity yes that's
33:12nothing well i've got 300 horsepower and a huge turbocharger and 420 spikes in each tyre and gravity
33:20yes to get down there but my bobsleigh was custom built for going on ice your car has had to be
33:25sort of adapted with clever tyres and stuff you're wearing tights i am i can't take lectures on physics
33:30from a man in tights i am aware dancing yes physics no
33:36the truth is though the bob is going to be hard to beat which kind of counts me out for driving the car
33:46so instead we've got henning solberg the norwegian national rally champion
33:50the bobsleigh's chance of victory all depends on how good our start is
33:58that means intense preparation for me and the norwegian olympic bobsleigh team
34:05and while we practice running the driver visualizes the course in his head
34:10all of this provided much merriment for the bone idol may are you warming up yes i'm warming up as well
34:23to be honest i couldn't see the funny side of it because i was really worried about letting the team
34:28down any time you lose here a second is multiplied by three at the bottom so that'll be three seconds and
34:37i was also worried about whether my body would cope key thing is as you go into the corners to hold
34:42your breath to get as much breath in as you can because that actually holds your body up it literally
34:47supports you when you've been subjected to g-forces in the corners apparently in a couple of places down
34:51there it hits six and a half g driver told me he's been doing this six years and he's three centimeters
34:57shorter i can't afford to lose three centimeters
35:01james was strapped in and i was ready to run
35:12our race rally driver could hardly speak any english but that didn't stop james giving him a
35:17patronizing british pep talk right oh henning it's the reputation of internal combustion resting on your
35:24shoulders at the next minute or so i was going to time the car with my trusty stopwatch and hammond's bob
35:35would be timed by the course officials this was it
35:49one of the three
35:53two kilometers on ice in a minute boy has henning got it all to do
36:09Two kilometres on ice in a minute.
36:15Boy, has Henning got it all to do.
36:18That's a lot. That's my head.
36:24The bob may have started slow, but it was just getting faster and faster.
36:28And these guys never use the brakes.
36:34There's a complex coming in.
36:36Oh, that's one. And there's another.
36:40At midpoint, 1,000 metres in, it was anybody's guess.
36:46You're aiming at the bridge, man.
36:52I'm trying to suck it here.
36:54I'm banging my head.
37:06Henning was just awesome.
37:17You can't go this fast on ice.
37:20Oh, f***.
37:22He hit the side. He's going to kill us.
37:25I don't want to die in tight.
37:3159, 68.
37:50Did we win?
37:51What did he do?
37:54Excuse me.
37:55I'm broken.
37:59What have you done here?
38:0059, 68.
38:02Come on.
38:03Come on, come on.
38:05One minute, two seconds, 24.
38:07We won!
38:10Hey!
38:11Good boys!
38:13I didn't slow you up too much.
38:15That was fantastic.
38:15Yeah.
38:16You did it.
38:17That really was something.
38:19Awesome.
38:20Yes!
38:25Right.
38:25That was last year.
38:27This is now, and I have some good news.
38:29It's the weekend, and Richard Hammond has therefore been able to escape from his world of amusingly shaped potato crisps.
38:36And he's here!
38:39Up until now, Suzuki has been well known for making small Jeeps and our reasonably priced car.
38:46Everything else they've made is about as interesting as that pine tree.
38:51Well, no, maybe that one, that one, that one, in the middle there.
38:57But now, out of nowhere, they've come up with this, the new Swift.
39:02And I do mean out of nowhere.
39:05Just, just look at it.
39:06When this thing drives past, you really are going to give it a second glance, aren't you?
39:10It costs less than eight grand.
39:14And yet, for that, you get a perky 1.3-litre engine, CD player, electric mirrors, tinted glass, and some airbags.
39:25It does just about the cleverest thing a small car can do, which is not feel like a small car.
39:31It feels big and solid.
39:33And it feels grown up.
39:34Which, considering what we're about to do with it, is a good thing.
39:38You see, the last time we tested a small car, we ended up playing football with ten of them.
39:50They were Toyota Igo's, and frankly, it all got a bit messy.
39:55Thing is, it is a bit nippy for football in these conditions.
40:01But don't despair.
40:08Because we can do this.
40:15I declare the top gear Winter Olympics Suzuki Swift Car Ice Hockey.
40:21Shack.
40:23Open.
40:23Yes, this is the pitch.
40:30And these are the players.
40:32Ten Suzuki Swifts, making it five a side.
40:36All piloted by local rally drivers.
40:39James and I would be team captains, and Jeremy, the ref.
40:43Look, it's not difficult.
40:45Ice hockey is basically the most violent sport in the world, bar none.
40:50So...
40:50So, if you bite James...
40:53Oh, yeah, no, that's...
40:53I mean, if it gets really...
40:54If there is a death, then you have to put somebody in the scene.
40:58And that's when I blow my horn.
41:00Yes, if it all gets really nasty.
41:01If I have to stop the game and blow this...
41:03Yes, that's it.
41:04So it's easy.
41:05Just, you...
41:06The ends come off.
41:09With the stands packed to the rafters, and the giant puck in place, we were ready for the off.
41:16OK, the blue team captained by Captain Slow.
41:19That's primetime television.
41:20The red team captained by Richard Phillips, Schofield Hammond.
41:25That's daytime television.
41:27We're ready.
41:33Within a minute, daytime TV score.
41:51Is it a goal in ice hockey?
41:54Yeah.
41:54Yeah.
41:54Now, there were a lot of crashes when we did this with the I-Ghost playing football.
42:06I think by putting it on ice, we've made it a lot, a lot safer.
42:17Despite my best football clichés...
42:20Oh, he's up like a salmon.
42:22We're on the clear run to the goal.
42:23It's the old one, too.
42:25Team primetime were all over the place.
42:28It's gone wild.
42:31Meanwhile, daytime TV were on fire.
42:34And despite an obviously biased ref...
42:37Go on, James!
42:38Go on, man!
42:39You've got it!
42:42We backed home goal two.
42:44Goal!
42:46And goal three.
42:48In quick succession.
42:50Who's primetime now, then, boys?
42:52Yes, my team were being trounced.
42:56And when we finally did score...
42:58Guess who was otherwise engaged?
43:03Oh, bloody hell.
43:04Yes, all in all, the ref's grasp of the game was poor.
43:08Oh!
43:09Why has that happened?
43:11Yeah, well, that's...
43:11And why haven't you scored?
43:13We have scored.
43:15Well, I haven't seen it.
43:16No, we just scored then.
43:17Who's the referee?
43:19I fell over a bit.
43:20Did you?
43:20You missed the goal.
43:21I missed the goal.
43:22It's not declared.
43:23It's not a goal.
43:23Are you prepared to accept my word as a primetime television presenter that we scored a superb goal?
43:27Yes, I am.
43:28Good, thank you, ref.
43:28I didn't actually see it.
43:29Oh, come on!
43:31Daytime was still two goals ahead, though, and the ref didn't like that.
43:35Watch it!
43:37It's in the middle.
43:42James took immediate advantage.
43:44Come on, boys!
43:46Three, three, three.
43:47That's him!
43:50That's lovely!
43:52Great, isn't it?
43:53Give him a megaphone.
43:54He's happy.
43:57Come on, Bjorn and Bjorn!
44:01But moments later, James crashed into his own man, leaving his goal mouth wide open for me.
44:07Yeah!
44:12Ooh!
44:12After that, the match really hotted up.
44:20For most people, that is.
44:22Ooh, you've got a beer.
44:23Ooh!
44:28Ooh!
44:32Ooh!
44:33Ooh!
44:36Ooh!
44:40Oh, no, it's not Hammond!
44:41Let him help, James.
44:43Still another goal for daytime, making the score...
44:47Er, that is now five, two, three, one...
44:52What is it?
44:56As the game entered its final stages, the violence reached proper ice hockey levels.
45:03That's my own bloke, but never mind.
45:05These are proving themselves to be tough little cars, the script, I must say.
45:09Oh, yes.
45:12Side down!
45:15That could be where he battles itself.
45:17Thank you, guys.
45:18Do you have any vacuum cleaner?
45:20A vacuum cleaner?
45:21Yes, looking to see it.
45:23Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?
45:26No!
45:27Red 2 was out of action, but my joy was short-lived.
45:30There is a spare car. We're writing number two on it.
45:35As we speak, I'll be back in business with 90 seconds of play left.
45:38Whose side are you on?
45:39I am totally impartial. I'm giving you every possible opportunity.
45:43Take some news.
45:44You've just let me down.
45:46Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant gold
45:49whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.
45:52That's my wife. Yes, it was my wife.
45:54His wife.
46:00With play almost over, I accidentally, but very accurately, took out James.
46:07I'm out. Hammond in the sim bin.
46:15Can't believe I got sim bin.
46:17For what?
46:18Go on ITV. You go in the sim bin. It's that simple.
46:22With me shackled, primetime brought the score up to 5-4.
46:27Oh, come on, Red.
46:28Hammond, you may rejoin.
46:31And that's the end of the game, everybody.
46:36No matter, daytime had won,
46:38which meant for James there could only be one post-match drink.
46:44So how was the snow?
46:45It was golden.
46:46Yes!
46:47And that, gentlemen, is how you do that.
46:49And with that, I must get back to the world of light entertainment.
46:52I wouldn't if I were you.
46:54Why?
46:55Because of what we're doing next.
46:56Which is?
46:58That.
46:59Oh, you are joking.
47:01I am staying.
47:02This is the ski jump at Lillehammer,
47:16the very one used in the 1994 Winter Olympics.
47:19It offers jumpers 400 feet of pure, unbridled terror.
47:25Right, chaps, we have got to get that to jump further than him in the Top Gear Winter Olympics ski slash car jumping champion.
47:51And that's what we're going to do.
47:53And that's what we're going to do.
47:54And that's what we're going to do.
47:55What we're going to do is we're going to do with the 20-year-old, slightly rusty Leyland Mini.
48:00So let's work this out.
48:02Mini does naught to 60 in what?
48:04About 14 seconds.
48:05Hang on, that's not going to be very relevant, though, is it?
48:07Because you're not going to get any grip off the tyres.
48:09All you've got up there is gravity.
48:11Oh, I know gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
48:14Well, no, it isn't.
48:15It's a constant all over the world.
48:17But this is quite simple, arithmetically.
48:18We've got...
48:19It's V equals U plus AT.
48:20We know what acceleration due to gravity is, 9.8 metres per second squared.
48:23But that's weight component down a plane, because it's on a slope.
48:26So we need to get the mass of the car, and we need to know the angle of the slope.
48:29And then we need to work out also the angle when it gets to the lip, where it jumps off.
48:31And that will give us V, and it will follow a sort of parabolic projection.
48:34We should be able to then calculate the exact point when the car comes and meets the snow.
48:38That's quite easy.
48:39I think we should go and get a cup of tea and work that out.
48:44So, come on, James.
48:45Hang on, hang on, hang on.
48:46Is gravity going to be enough to get the car down the ramp and beat the skier?
48:54No.
48:54Right.
48:55Then we have a huge problem.
48:56We need some more propulsion, because we can't use the engine.
49:00Because that will just spin the wheels.
49:01Right.
49:02Also, we can't put a driver in it, because obviously he'll be killed.
49:06So we're going to have to work something out on steering.
49:09That can be your job, OK?
49:10There's another problem.
49:11Once it's set off, we've got to stop it at some point.
49:14Otherwise, it'll just soar over there and take out Lilyhammer.
49:17So I'll work out where's stopping it.
49:20Right.
49:20Guidance for you.
49:22Stopping.
49:22Braking for you.
49:24And then I'll figure out some way of...
49:26Power.
49:27Power.
49:28Exactly.
49:29Let's get about our business.
49:31Right.
49:32I'll take my tea.
49:33Earl Grey in Norway.
49:34Whoever would have thought it.
49:37The skier...
49:38Our first job was to mark the point where the skier had landed,
49:41so we knew the distance to beat.
49:45Unfortunately, James was no Sir Edmund Hillary.
49:48You've got to paint it across.
49:51There you go.
49:52I've done it.
49:53No, no.
49:53You've got to get it across the whole way across.
49:55No, that'll do.
49:56It won't do.
50:02Shut up.
50:03How hard can it be?
50:22With James proving his own laws of gravity, I got on with the business of power.
50:27Hi.
50:28Is that the United Kingdom Rocketry Association?
50:32Yeah.
50:33It's Jeremy Clarkson here from Top Gear, and I need some rockets.
50:38Soon, though, it went dark again.
50:40So, we went to the pub.
50:44Nice to meet you.
50:45Damn you.
50:45The next morning, the Rocketeers arrived and announced that they could give the Mini twice
50:49as much thrust, pound for pound, than an F-15 jet fighter.
50:54I've taken drag, aerodynamic drag, ski friction, gravity, and the thrust of three contrail hybrid rocket motors into it.
51:02This is rocket science?
51:03This is rocket science.
51:04But then I saw the rockets.
51:06That's why you buy these from post offices in November.
51:09You're just waiting till you're up there.
51:10Are these really going to give enough thrust?
51:12They are.
51:12Yes.
51:13More thrust than you can handle.
51:15And so where?
51:16We put them here?
51:17No.
51:17Come on, Jeremy.
51:18That way round.
51:19Down here somewhere.
51:20Take the boots out.
51:21Take the back out.
51:22Yeah.
51:22Let's just rip that off.
51:24Let's have a bootful.
51:26Meanwhile, I've chosen a spot to build my snowbarrow.
51:30I think about here.
51:32Or here.
51:34I think I'm...
51:38Right.
51:45Fuck.
51:49How fast was the skier going when he left the thing?
51:5256 miles an hour.
51:53We're going to be going 83 miles an hour.
51:56This meant Hammond had to think big.
52:01Richard Hammond, how's the braking going?
52:03Yeah, it's going well.
52:04It's going well.
52:06By this stage, Spider-Man had finally got to the top of the ski jump.
52:10When the skier goes down, when the skier goes down, how does he, how does he, how does he, how does he stay in the middle?
52:18Oh, in, in, in, in, has tracks.
52:21Grooves.
52:22Liquid marseous oxide.
52:24Yeah.
52:24And that's got all the oxygen in it.
52:25Yeah.
52:26Yeah.
52:26And in the bottom end, fuel, which is rubber.
52:29Don't.
52:30Here's a tip.
52:32Please.
52:32I'm a doctor of engineering twice.
52:34If you put, if you use rubber as fuel, you're not going to go as far as if you use, like, petrol or dynamite.
52:40Hey, Jeremy.
52:41Do you think you could mount it on skis?
52:46Why?
52:47Why does he mount skis?
52:48Just trust me, if you put it on the skis, I can keep it dead straight.
52:51I'll have to make them.
52:52Well, yes.
52:54Obviously, we can't go to the ski rental shop and say, have you got some skis for a mini?
53:02James, the track is 1300 millimetres.
53:05And with those measurements, the Icemen could now cut their special grooves.
53:19Oh, yes.
53:23If I lose it now, I'm going to end up in the Lilyhammer Asda.
53:28I've got it, this team.
53:30Good scientists have found a job for me to do.
53:33Does anyone want Earl Grey?
53:34No.
53:37With my skis fitted, the rockets installed, and the ice grooves coming along nicely,
53:44James and I dropped in on Hammond to inspect his snowbank.
53:49I can guarantee that won't stop the mini.
53:53Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope,
54:00and the mini is coming down that one.
54:03Right.
54:06Righto.
54:07What a complete...
54:09Some adjustments.
54:12Did nobody tell you?
54:14No, obviously, or I'd have built it over there.
54:17That is fairly embarrassing.
54:20What I need is a business suit.
54:26So, I got myself a pieced basher.
54:29With this, I am going to construct something that will rival the Hoover Dam.
54:39Those two Muppets will not be laughing at me now.
54:42And to speed things up, I even drafted in a herd of tractors.
54:46While Philip Schofield was building the Great Wall of Lillehammer...
54:55Oh, yeah.
54:56The rocket car, primed with one and a half tons of explosive thrust, began its long journey to the top of the jump.
55:10And half an hour later, the ice grooves were ready for Chris Bonington's approval.
55:14I'm not...
55:15Please don't come near me.
55:16I'm not...
55:17Go over there.
55:17I'm not...
55:17Look, I'm...
55:19I'm nowhere near you.
55:20That's really nice.
55:21This has never been done before.
55:33No.
55:33We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about.
55:38The time for cocking about, however, was over.
55:42The wall was finished.
55:44The target was laid down.
55:46Sort of.
55:47And we were now in the hands of the rocket men.
55:51It's going to be an appalling mess.
56:00An explosion.
56:01An explosion.
56:01A burning mini.
56:02Carnage.
56:03Coming down on its roof.
56:04Venting.
56:06Red.
56:07White.
56:08Blue.
56:09Confirm.
56:09Venting.
56:11In three, two, one.
56:14Purge.
56:15Come on, mini!
56:17Armed.
56:18Five, four, three.
56:21Two, one.
56:23Initiate.
56:41Wall's going to be needed!
56:43We were a bit short.
56:48We didn't beat the ski jump.
56:50How well did it ski?
56:58This brilliant ski!
57:00I'm satisfied with that, and anyway, that's it.
57:07I have to go.
57:08I have to go back to the world of daytime telly.
57:11Boys, it's been a joy.
57:11Goodbye.
57:12It's been great having you here.
57:13Thanks for coming.
57:14That was quite something.
57:15Bye.
57:16Actually, we can go anyway, because it's the end of the show.
57:19No, it isn't.
57:20There's one more thing.
57:21This is a snowmobile.
57:26It's a sort of jet ski with a tank track on the back, and it's used for herding mooses and generally larking about.
57:34But here's the thing.
57:36No one in the whole of human history has ever attempted to ride one of these things down a ski jump.
57:45Now, the reason why no one has ever ridden a snowmobile down a ski jump like that is the same reason we didn't put anyone in the mini last night.
57:53Yes, because you'd probably be killed to death.
57:55Yeah, very good chance of that.
57:56Luckily, however, we know a man who has no fear.
58:00You thought we'd forgotten him.
58:01But he's here.
58:03The stick.
58:15It's the landing I think I'm worried about most of all.
58:17These pomps.
58:18And on that bombshell, or as he would now put it, on that bombshell, it's time to end the show.
58:47Thanks very much for watching.
58:49Good night.
58:54No slowing up here on BBC Two.
58:56High Octane quiz comedy with some crazy driving thrown in next,
59:00as actors Philip Glenister and Hugo Spear join Neil Morrissey for a brand new show.
59:05Petrol Heads, next.
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