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00:00Tonight, Noble's difficult third album comes to our track.
00:17The Art of Being a White Van Man.
00:21And the Suzuki Liana is back with some bloke called Jensen Button.
00:30Hello and welcome. And we start tonight with a question.
00:36How many vans do you suppose were sold in Britain last year?
00:40322,000. I'm sorry.
00:43You really are an irritating little man.
00:46Yes.
00:47But it's what you were going to say.
00:48You're right. It was.
00:51322,000. And that's twice as many as the best-selling car.
00:55Which means there are an awful lot of van drivers out there.
00:58And the thing is, we never cover the subject ever on the show.
01:02So the producers said that we had to do a van test.
01:07They arranged for us to be roadies for one of the bands at this summer's music festival in Hyde Park.
01:13Yeah. Now, obviously, before we could do this, we each had to choose a van.
01:18Now, to be honest, I know nothing about vans, so I chose this.
01:22It's a Renault Master, and two things struck me about it.
01:24The first is that it's very large, obviously, and the other is that I sort of like the styling.
01:29I think it's quite chic.
01:31How can it be chic? It's a van.
01:33Yeah, but it is a very, very good-looking van.
01:36It's as good-looking as a plumber's bone crack.
01:39No.
01:39Whatever. Whatever. I know nothing about vans either, so I chose a Ford Transit.
01:46For 41 years, it's been the king of vans, and now there's this new one, which is better,
01:52in lots of important and, I'm sure, very interesting ways.
01:56Now, I have to be honest, I know even less about vans than these two put together, so I chose this.
02:03It's a Volkswagen, uh, Volkswagen T3174 TDI Sportline.
02:12Now, it's not the biggest van in the world, and it is quite expensive, but it does 120 miles an hour.
02:18So, basically, you just went for the fastest.
02:20This is the fastest van in Britain, this is, and I thought that might be important in some way.
02:25Anyway, the three of us ended up with our vans, and then we were ready to go off and be roadies with them.
02:33Richard and I made it on time to Hyde Park and quickly discovered the enormity of the task ahead.
02:40We were going to be roadies for one of the biggest bands in the world.
02:45The Who.
02:45Well, when I say we, it's Richard and me, because James has found something better to do
02:50than hang around backstage with the greatest rock and roll band in the world.
02:54Yep, he actually phoned in to say he was unwell, but if you look closely at this poster, the date there,
03:00you'll see that what he's actually doing is he's in Reigate hosting the Surrey Motor Show.
03:05Still, that Hilt Atlas turn-up later on, after all the hard work is done.
03:08Yeah.
03:10First, we found out what we'd be taking to the next gig, 90 miles away on the south coast,
03:15Oh, yeah!
03:16B, well, I'd be in charge of something worryingly precious.
03:21Pete Townsend's guitars.
03:23Each guitar is 3,000 quid.
03:26And there were 70 of them.
03:29Hammond, on the other hand, had only one instrument to worry about, but it was a biggie.
03:34Yeah!
03:35Hello, Hyde Park.
03:39Do I get to do anything clever, or just carry stuff?
03:42The 12,000-pound kit belonged to Zach Starkey, who, unlike his father, is a drummer.
03:47What if I break something?
03:48Like a drum skinner.
03:50Don't do.
03:51No.
03:52Meanwhile, back at the front of the stage, I'd discovered I'd have to transport Pete's amps as well.
03:59These are all... Is this why he's a bit mutton?
04:01Er, no, no, no, no. Yes.
04:03Are they very heavy? Can I lift it up?
04:05Talk among yourselves.
04:13It turned out that the Who travels with 1,000 flight cases full of equipment,
04:19and that our vans altogether could handle the weight and bulk of...
04:23Nine.
04:28I therefore went to see Pete Townsend, who was in his motorhome, overseeing something called In The Attic,
04:34his new live webcast music show.
04:38Um, we have a problem.
04:40Now, you've got, apparently, 1,000 packing cases, but we can only take nine.
04:45Right.
04:46So you're going to have to slim down the number of guitars you need.
04:49Right.
04:50I could get you a really good job with the Arctic Monkeys,
04:54and they're only 12 and a half.
04:56Three?
04:57So they won't smack you in the face with a microphone stand, like I'm about to do now.
05:01I'd need all my gear at that gig.
05:04I need it all.
05:04These vans that are...
05:05Roger Daltrey had no interest in the smallness of my van.
05:08He just wanted to explain the best way of throwing a television into a swimming pool.
05:12It has to be plugged in and working.
05:14When it goes in.
05:15With a very long lead.
05:16The challenge was to keep it working until it hit the water.
05:19Ah, right.
05:20You see, I didn't know that.
05:21Oh, no, see, it's much more technical than they really are.
05:22I thought it was just get a television set and throw it...
05:23There's a lot of thought goes into it.
05:24Roger kindly led me one of his tellies,
05:29and Pete kindly organised some enormous trucks
05:32to carry the stuff we'd have to leave behind.
05:35Then, just before the kick-off,
05:38the headline act from the Surrey Motor Show turned up.
05:42How was it, James?
05:44I'm guessing now, but he probably left behind a smaller crowd than this.
05:48So, James, you know what happens?
06:05In about two hours, all of that lot off here,
06:08into our van, and we're going to drive 90 miles.
06:10Yeah, and you cannot get lost.
06:13No.
06:15As the show neared its conclusion,
06:17I fervently hoped that The Who would smash up all their equipment
06:20like they used to.
06:23But they didn't.
06:27Plainly, Mr. Daughtry really wanted to see the three of us suffer.
06:31Don't take any pity on them, guys.
06:35Don't take any pity on them whatsoever.
06:38And so, as the crowd went home,
06:41we put the Top Gear pianist in charge of keyboards
06:43and got to work.
06:45Three, two, one.
06:47Watch me get it in.
06:51Do you know where this is going?
06:53That's where it goes down.
06:55Thanks.
06:56You take that.
07:01I've put one in there already.
07:04After an hour, it was time to pack the vans.
07:07But that was a bit of a problem for Jeremy.
07:09That's a real clamp.
07:11And it's really on.
07:12Well, that's not rock and roll, is it?
07:13Ken Livingston.
07:14It probably is Ken Livingston.
07:17Happily, because our vans were so small,
07:20loading them up didn't take long.
07:24Got a dicky back.
07:30We'll get the beers in,
07:31and I'll warm up the groupies.
07:34Nine o'clock in the morning.
07:37Don't be late and don't get clamped again.
07:40Goodbye, London.
07:46Don't run, Nora.
07:48You've gone the wrong way already.
07:49When I get down to the hotel tonight,
07:55I'm going to make Keith Moon look like Keith Chegwin.
07:59I'm going to start by fire-axing my way
08:03through the wall into James' bedroom,
08:05and then I'm going to cut his hair.
08:07Don't run, don't run, don't run, don't run, don't run.
08:10Only Hammond was concentrating on the job in hand.
08:15The flat load bed in the back of this,
08:17the minimal intrusion from the wheel arches,
08:19the fact that it's the widest,
08:21which is what you need,
08:21that's how you load the thing up.
08:23It's all been thought out.
08:26And at £18,600,
08:28it's also the cheapest here.
08:32So was James focusing on the important stuff,
08:34payload, fuel economy?
08:36No, he wasn't.
08:36I've got air conditioning,
08:39I've got a semi-automatic gearbox,
08:41I've got a CD player,
08:42I've got sat-nav.
08:44It just goes on and on and on.
08:50Predictably, Jeremy got sidetracked
08:52by the speed of the van GTI.
08:55This is not fast for a van.
08:58It's fast full stop.
09:00But 0 to 60 in 11 and a bit seconds.
09:03Yet 70 in third.
09:06Bizarrely, however,
09:09none of this seemed to impress James.
09:12I don't actually think your van's
09:14as quick as mine, Jeremy.
09:16How's he going to make that?
09:16James, your van does 87 miles an hour.
09:19Mine does 120.
09:21I think mid-range,
09:22and mine's pretty potent.
09:24OK, three, two...
09:26This can only end well.
09:27One, go.
09:28Have I been saying, James,
09:34I don't think you've quite grasped
09:36how fast this van is.
09:41Ooh!
09:42Ooh!
09:43Because the other two didn't have speed
09:45to keep them going,
09:46we pulled over for a cup of tea.
09:49I feel like a roadie.
09:51Ooh!
09:52Two o'clock in the morning.
09:53Yeah.
09:53Two o'clock.
09:55Naturally, the talk soon turned
09:56to how confident we felt
09:58about leaving our cargo unattended.
10:00Hammond didn't seem phased at all.
10:02For one thing,
10:03it's got all security systems on it
10:05and alarms,
10:06and even the key,
10:07when you plug it in,
10:09it charges up off the ignition,
10:10so I know when I hit the button,
10:11it's locked,
10:12so that's quite safe.
10:13Actually, this is pretty good.
10:14This has got,
10:15I can't remember what it's called,
10:16Renault anti-intruder device.
10:18It's got, like,
10:18Raid.
10:19Raid, yeah,
10:20and it's got deadlocks that...
10:22So you won't get in there.
10:23So, um,
10:24what about yours?
10:28I might...
10:28I might go and have my tea.
10:31Just...
10:31Yeah, because there's 70,000 quid's worth of...
10:34guitars,
10:35and I'm gonna be out there if you want me.
10:39We were now supposed to knuckle down
10:41and really test our vans,
10:43but I'm afraid we got distracted.
10:45Um, this party,
10:48presumably it's gonna be pretty wild.
10:50It's the who, mate.
10:51The who?
10:52Yay!
10:53We were feeling crazy.
10:55Well, when I say we...
10:58Cruise control.
11:01Hey!
11:05At quarter to dawn,
11:06we made it to the next venue.
11:08Locked up the vans,
11:09and with our work done,
11:11headed back to the party at the hotel.
11:13We, we, we...
11:15Sadly, though,
11:16it seems the world of rock and roll has moved on.
11:18There were no groupies,
11:19the only drug on offer was cocoa,
11:22and there was no swimming pool
11:23into which I could throw Roger's television.
11:25So, we went to bed.
11:29The next morning, we met to reach a verdict,
11:31but that's hard when you haven't been paying attention.
11:34I'd like to say the Volkswagen was the fastest fan.
11:38It was.
11:39It was.
11:39Mine was the biggest fan.
11:41Oh, the Renault is huge.
11:42Clearly big.
11:42And my Ford Transit was the cheapest.
11:44Yeah.
11:48So...
11:48No, that's...
11:49We're going somewhere with this.
11:50Yeah, so...
11:52There you are.
11:53It depends, really,
11:54on what you want from a vat.
11:55I mean, I did a thing last night
11:56where I was saying,
11:57if you're a heart transplant driver...
11:59Yours is perfect.
12:00Undoubtedly.
12:00It's not very big,
12:01but goes like the clappers.
12:02Yes.
12:03Well, if the heart bloke died, for example,
12:05and you wanted to move some headstones around,
12:07mine would be better
12:08because you get more of it
12:09and you can carry bigger weight.
12:11But the good news is
12:12that there are as many vans out there
12:14as there are things you'd want to do with them.
12:16Absolutely.
12:17I mean, if you wanted a Volkswagen
12:18that was cheaper than mine...
12:20You can do that.
12:21You could get a cheaper one than you had, yeah.
12:22Yeah.
12:23The interesting thing about the Renault,
12:24which is a very big van,
12:25is if you don't want a big van,
12:26they'll do you a smaller one.
12:27So even the big vans can be small
12:29if you want.
12:30Absolutely.
12:32Whatever van you want,
12:34if you want a van,
12:36buy the cheapest.
12:38Of the sort of van you want.
12:39Yeah.
12:39Yes.
12:40And then ring around the local dealers
12:42and see who will sell it to you for the least.
12:44That's it.
12:45That's that.
12:46Now, when we brought that film back to the office
13:01and the producer saw it,
13:02he was very angry with us
13:04and he said that was the worst conclusion
13:06in the history of television.
13:08Yeah.
13:08May I have had a point?
13:09Yeah, in fact,
13:11he dreamt up a bit of a punishment for us,
13:13which we'll show you later.
13:15We will.
13:15But now,
13:17this.
13:18It's a letter
13:18from a young man
13:20called Jensen
13:20who lives in Monte Carlo.
13:23Dear Top Gear,
13:25my car is always breaking down.
13:27Please, please, please,
13:30could you fix it for me
13:31to drive something more reliable
13:32around your track?
13:34How could we possibly say no?
13:36Ladies and gentlemen,
13:37please welcome Jensen Button.
13:38How are you?
13:43I'm good.
13:43Very good, thank you.
13:44Have a seat.
13:45Have a seat.
13:46I'm glad to be able to help.
13:49Least you can do.
13:53Now,
13:53talk us through your facial hair.
13:57My facial hair?
14:00Do you not like the facial hair?
14:02I think it looks good.
14:03You think it looks good?
14:04Yeah.
14:05Well, it's better than,
14:05because a bit back it was the Noel Edmonds
14:07or a bit of a beadle going.
14:08on.
14:09Well, the thing is,
14:09I get four bald patches as well here.
14:12I don't know if you can see.
14:13Oh, yeah.
14:13Oh, that's not a good look.
14:14Yeah.
14:15Let's have a look.
14:15Coming from you, Jeremy.
14:17Yeah.
14:18I've got a bald patch too.
14:20That's even worse.
14:22That's even worse.
14:24You live in Monte Carlo.
14:25I do.
14:26You paid a not inconsiderable sum of money.
14:28You're quite a good-looking chap
14:29before the beard, obviously.
14:30Do you find it difficult to get women?
14:37That's a tough one for me
14:38who I'd see at the moment.
14:39Really?
14:40Why?
14:40Do I find it difficult?
14:41Yeah, I do,
14:41because I'm just busy all the time.
14:43Really?
14:44You know, I'm busy.
14:45You know, I'm racing cars.
14:46Yeah, that's once a fortnight.
14:48Once a fortnight,
14:49drive around a bit,
14:51usually, frankly,
14:52break down before the end,
14:53this year.
14:54We're talking about
14:55an hour's work of fortnight,
14:56and then you're off.
14:57Just like yourself.
14:58Yeah, exactly like me.
14:59No, we do a lot of testing as well.
15:01A lot of testing.
15:02Fitness training,
15:03we do PR.
15:03Yeah, we do have some down time,
15:05and I like to enjoy myself,
15:08as we all do.
15:09So you get a lot of sex.
15:10I don't go...
15:11Probably more than you, Jeremy.
15:14Yeah.
15:16Damn right, mate.
15:22Here's a good one.
15:23Do you think
15:24that these racing cars
15:26would be more interesting
15:26if they were fitted with guns?
15:30What type of guns?
15:31Machine guns?
15:31Mini guns.
15:32There's a Zucca or something.
15:33No, mini guns.
15:34Yeah?
15:35Yeah, it'd be quite interesting.
15:36It might make you drive
15:37a little bit quicker.
15:38Really?
15:39It might do, mightn't it?
15:40Well, it might make the guy in front.
15:41A machine gun.
15:41Yeah.
15:42You'd be thinking about that.
15:43You'd be...
15:44Yeah, no, it's an easier way
15:45of overtaking.
15:45I love the ideas you come up with.
15:47I really do.
15:48I've got so many.
15:48You've obviously got a lot of time
15:49on your hands.
15:50I have.
15:51The one thing I have worked out
15:52is I know what's wrong
15:54with this car.
15:55I know why you're not
15:56winning anything.
15:57It's that windscreen.
15:59I'm not joking.
16:00Look, they design all this.
16:01Everything on it
16:02is all fluid
16:03and then they go and put
16:04this vertical windscreen on.
16:05That's what's slowing you down, mate.
16:06Seriously.
16:07It doesn't do anything.
16:08Trust me.
16:12Another question I've got for you.
16:14Why haven't you won a race?
16:17You see, that's a hard one, isn't it?
16:19It's because I've never been
16:20asked a question before, you know.
16:22Why haven't you?
16:23Because you're getting it.
16:24You're 100 starts now, aren't you?
16:26100 and something starts.
16:28100 and something starts.
16:29So what's the matter?
16:30We're not quick enough.
16:32It's like...
16:32It's that windscreen.
16:34Get the bloody windscreen changed.
16:36Trust me.
16:37We're just not quick enough.
16:37We will get there, definitely.
16:40Would you exchange the money,
16:42the Monte Carlo lifestyle
16:43and everything for that first win?
16:46100%.
16:46You would?
16:47100%.
16:48Jack the lot in for one win.
16:49100%.
16:49You really would exchange everything.
16:52100% yeah.
16:53It's what I've been doing
16:56for 20 years almost now
16:57is racing, trying to be the best
16:59and it's what I love.
17:01It's my passion.
17:02You know, when I've got grandkids
17:03to tell them that I've got
17:04so many million in the bank,
17:06it's not going to excite them.
17:07Oh, trust me it will.
17:08Tell us about your Formula One
17:13racing stories, granddad,
17:14while we spend this.
17:16But it's better to say
17:17you're world champion, isn't it?
17:18You're the best in the world
17:19at something.
17:20You know, you gave it everything.
17:21That would be, yeah.
17:22Now, I appreciate
17:23where you're coming from on it.
17:24You're wrong,
17:25but I can...
17:26No, I mean, I'm glad you said that
17:27because I'm a horrible feeling
17:28that I've been a moment...
17:29But I could see it in your eyes.
17:30You were telling the...
17:31Good.
17:31You were telling the truth there.
17:33Anyway,
17:34of course,
17:35we know really why you're here.
17:36Exactly.
17:37Money.
17:37You do, yeah.
17:38You're right.
17:40Have you told them all?
17:41No, I'm about to.
17:42We had a bet.
17:43Yeah, we did.
17:44He said
17:44he'd bet me 20 quid
17:46that he could come down here
17:47and drive around our track
17:49faster than this thing.
17:51But the thing is,
17:51you say that
17:52and I can't remember
17:53saying that at all.
17:54You were quite drunk.
17:56And that is a good thing
17:57for a Formula One.
17:58You were...
17:59But I wasn't drinking.
17:59You must have been spiking my drink.
18:01I was.
18:01Jeremy.
18:01And you bet so.
18:03I brought the money along.
18:04I did wake up a bit uncomfortable.
18:06There it is.
18:07Oh, really?
18:0820 quid.
18:09That's my 20 pounds.
18:10Put your 20 pounds down there.
18:12Get 20 pounds there.
18:13You earn 8 million pounds
18:13so get 20 of the name.
18:16Don't you know about racing roads
18:17we never carry cash?
18:18Put 20 pounds there
18:20because you have the bet.
18:22Good.
18:22Put it on there.
18:24Now, obviously,
18:25we can't send you around
18:26in the new reasonably priced car
18:28because this lot
18:28have all done it in the old one.
18:29Can I just say,
18:30can I just say,
18:31it was really hot today.
18:37It was really hot today
18:38and I had to have the air conditioning on
18:40in the car
18:40and it normally,
18:42you'd probably lose
18:42about three of the five horsepower
18:44the car has.
18:45who'd like to see
18:47how Jensen got on
18:48in the old Liana?
18:51Play the tape.
18:52Let's have a look.
18:55It's nice to see
18:56the old car back.
18:58We've been missing it, really.
18:59We have to use this
19:00for the Formula One.
19:01You do that line as well.
19:02Formula One drivers
19:03all do that line
19:05and the Stig doesn't.
19:06Oh, really?
19:06No.
19:07Well, he's obviously not
19:07a Formula One driver, then, is he?
19:08Might be.
19:09Oh, nice beard.
19:10I tell you...
19:11Have you noticed
19:12I don't say a word?
19:14Well, you'd be concentrating.
19:15That's...
19:15I love the way you guys
19:17can carry that speed.
19:18I've never driven a car
19:19where it feels like
19:20the rear isn't connected
19:21to the front end.
19:24You watch it on TV
19:25because I watch the show
19:26every week.
19:28In Monaco, you know?
19:29Yeah.
19:29And, uh...
19:30No.
19:31And, uh...
19:32You think,
19:33why the hell
19:33are they taking that line?
19:35But you...
19:35You do take a different...
19:36Lovely gear change.
19:38Here he goes
19:39into the follow-through.
19:40Were you flat through here?
19:41Easy.
19:42It's easy flat.
19:43Jeremy, come on.
19:43There's some people.
19:44It wasn't easy the other day.
19:45Well...
19:46I was actually...
19:47Here we come now.
19:49Setting to the last corner.
19:50This catches out the amateurs.
19:52Oh, that's wide through there.
19:54That might have cost you
19:55a bit of time.
19:55Yeah, that's nice.
19:56You like this bit?
19:57You like this?
19:58Here it is.
19:59Cross the line!
20:09Now,
20:10I've actually got a feeling
20:12it wasn't that high up.
20:14I should just point out
20:15this one was wet.
20:17All right?
20:17Oh, really?
20:18Yeah.
20:18It wasn't slower than Mark,
20:19was it?
20:21Could you honestly turn up
20:22in the Grand Prix circus again
20:23if you were slower than him
20:24and he did it in the rain?
20:26No, I'm trying to turn myself down
20:27and then we're going to be
20:27hopefully a bit higher.
20:29You weren't slower
20:31than Mark.
20:32But do you think
20:33you'd beat the Stig?
20:34I saw him out there.
20:37He looked good.
20:39He's saying all the right things.
20:40He looked good.
20:41Jensen.
20:42Oh, no.
20:43You did it.
20:43Okay.
20:44This is the most important thing.
20:45Yeah.
20:46In the world,
20:47this is it.
20:48One minute.
20:48Ben doesn't work.
20:53Ben doesn't work.
20:54It must be this
20:56profusely sweating.
20:57We'll muddle through.
20:58One minute.
20:58Okay.
20:59Forty.
21:01Four.
21:02Yeah.
21:04Point.
21:06Seven.
21:07No!
21:07Yes!
21:09And you have made me
21:10very rich!
21:20Somewhere in Dorset,
21:22Nigel Mansell just blew up
21:24with excitement.
21:24Yeah.
21:26He did have three days practice
21:27though.
21:28He did.
21:28He brought his jet here
21:29to really help him.
21:30He had a really good look
21:31at the trap before going out there.
21:33Anyway,
21:33you have been a superb sport.
21:35Ladies and gentlemen,
21:35Jensen Button.
21:37Very good.
21:41Very good indeed.
21:43Now,
21:44normally,
21:47at this point in the show,
21:48we would do the news,
21:50but of course,
21:51it's the middle of summer,
21:51everybody's on holiday
21:52and there isn't any.
21:53No.
21:54So, unlike a regional news programme
21:56that would go out anyway
21:57and look for a badger
21:58that can tap dance,
21:59we're not going to bother.
22:00No, there is no news.
22:02What we do have instead,
22:03though,
22:03is a new Rolls Royce.
22:05And here it is,
22:06and it's the 101EX.
22:09Yeah.
22:09Now,
22:09it has the same engine
22:11as the Phantom,
22:11so that's a 450 brake horsepower,
22:13six and three quarter litre V12.
22:15But the body is lighter.
22:17It's made of carbon fibre,
22:18apart from this bit,
22:19which is aluminium.
22:21Yeah,
22:21it's shorter than the Phantom,
22:23it's lower than the Phantom,
22:24and of course,
22:24it only has two doors,
22:26which,
22:26ready for this,
22:27open backwards,
22:29so that one may simply
22:31step aboard.
22:32And then inside,
22:34it's the usual blend
22:35of dead animal
22:36and rainforest,
22:37but with a twist.
22:39Oh, yes.
22:39If you look up at the ceiling,
22:40you will see
22:41that it's like
22:42the Milky Way.
22:43And in fact,
22:44riding in the back of this car
22:45is a bit like lying
22:46in a field in Cornwall
22:48in the middle
22:48of a very clear night.
22:49It really is a fabulous thing.
22:51It's amazing.
22:52And if I was having one,
22:53I think, Hammond,
22:54I would have the Great Bear.
22:55Yeah,
22:56you can even vary
22:56the brightness of the constellation.
22:58Look,
22:58stand it up and down.
22:59That is disgusting.
23:01Oh, Nick.
23:02I fear Jeremy
23:03may be heading this way
23:04with an opinion.
23:05No, no.
23:05Honestly,
23:06you can have
23:07one of those
23:07pinprick light things,
23:08okay,
23:09on the roof of a limo
23:10on a hen night.
23:11You cannot have one,
23:12okay,
23:13in a Rolls Royce.
23:14And you can't have
23:15seven-stroke alloys,
23:16and you can't have
23:16red brake callipers,
23:18and you can't have
23:18carbon fibre,
23:19and look at that.
23:20A glass,
23:22spirits of ecstasy
23:22with a light bulb
23:23up its bottom.
23:24Jeremy,
23:25that,
23:26that is brilliant.
23:27No,
23:27the Phantom
23:28is brilliant,
23:28okay?
23:29This,
23:30if they ever
23:31put it into production,
23:32and if it has
23:33all this stuff on it,
23:34will have to be called
23:35the Rolls Royce
23:36Vulgar Sonic.
23:38Well,
23:38you know.
23:39Exactly,
23:40when it comes to vulgar.
23:41The other day,
23:42we all went to a screening
23:43of that new film,
23:44Cars,
23:44don't know if you've seen it.
23:45We walked in,
23:46and he said,
23:47yeah,
23:48this is a lot like
23:49my cinema at home.
23:52I just had a really good idea.
23:55Why don't you shut up?
23:57And why don't you tell
23:58all the ladies and gentlemen,
24:00with your tipex teeth,
24:02about the car
24:02that you've been driving
24:04that I haven't?
24:06Oh,
24:06yes,
24:07I've been driving
24:08the latest offering
24:09from one of our
24:09very favourite car makers.
24:15Noble.
24:16When they came along
24:17seven years ago,
24:19our first thought was,
24:20oh dear,
24:21here we go again.
24:22another small
24:23British sports car firm
24:24that's going to disappoint
24:26its bank manager.
24:29But their first two cars,
24:31the M10
24:31and the M12,
24:33were absolutely superb.
24:37And now,
24:38here comes the difficult
24:39third album.
24:40It's a brand new car
24:50and it's called
24:51the M15.
24:53And unusually
24:54for one of these
24:54small manufacturers,
24:57new doesn't mean
24:58reheated leftovers.
25:02It's got a new interior,
25:04a new body,
25:05new chassis.
25:05This really is
25:09brand new.
25:12It's still got
25:13Noble written all over it.
25:15It's low,
25:16it's mid-engined
25:17and it's fast.
25:23I can tell
25:24what I'm really hammering it
25:25because the rev needle
25:26turns from blue
25:28to red.
25:29Look at that.
25:31This is the most
25:32powerful Noble ever
25:34with 450 brakes
25:35horsepower
25:36from the twin-turbo
25:37V6.
25:390-60 takes
25:403.9 seconds.
25:43Top speed,
25:44196.
25:47Now,
25:47the previous Noble,
25:49the M12,
25:49was a real
25:50wham, bam,
25:51thank you, man,
25:51punch in the back.
25:53And this, though,
25:53it's a more
25:54civilized surge.
25:57But that's not surprising
25:58because the M15
25:59is supposed to be
26:01more civilized,
26:02more grown-up.
26:05On the outside,
26:07all the mad boy racer
26:08spoilers have gone.
26:10It's a much more
26:11restrained car.
26:13And on the inside,
26:14instead of track day
26:15harnesses and fire extinguishers,
26:17you get air conditioning,
26:19sat-nav,
26:20and that most modern of features,
26:22a boot.
26:23You get more of everything,
26:26but then it costs more money,
26:28£75,000,
26:29which means the M15,
26:32designed in a shed in Leicester,
26:34is going head-to-head
26:35with the mighty Porsche 911.
26:39Basically, Noble has got ambitions.
26:42And when small car companies
26:44get ambitious,
26:45that's usually a big worry.
26:47It's easy for a small car company
26:54to build a hardcore track day car.
26:56Just get a big engine
26:57and some scaffolding.
26:59But it's much harder
27:00to build one
27:00that you can live with
27:01every day,
27:02rain, shine, or snow.
27:05Nevertheless,
27:06Noble has stepped out
27:07onto the tightrope,
27:08and I'm happy to report
27:10they haven't fallen off.
27:11The handling is
27:17absolutely
27:19superb.
27:22Turn in,
27:23and it just grips
27:24and grips
27:25and grips,
27:26and then there's
27:26a tiny little bit
27:27of understeer
27:28to tell you
27:28you're being a bit
27:29of a spanner.
27:31It just keeps on gripping.
27:34But that's not to say
27:36this is boring.
27:38Oh, no.
27:39Not by any means.
27:40When you want to have fun,
27:42you can have any amount of it.
27:46This is amazing.
27:47Well, it's still
27:47a proper Noble.
27:52And yet,
27:53for all that,
27:54the ride is
27:55perfectly comfortable.
27:56The M15 really is
27:57the sort of sports car
27:58you could use
27:59every day.
28:01This car is bigger,
28:03comfier,
28:04and there's enough noise,
28:06but I'm not being deafened.
28:07Enough power,
28:09but I can cope with it.
28:10It really is
28:11like a 911.
28:13But what amazes me
28:14is that a few men
28:15in Leicester
28:16have achieved something
28:17that Porsche
28:17needs a cast
28:18of thousands to do.
28:21And the reason
28:22I think Noble
28:22have pulled it off
28:23is because they've
28:24kept everything simple.
28:26If I was in a TVR now,
28:30the indicators
28:31would be on the ceiling
28:32and the switches
28:33would be made
28:34at kryptonite
28:34and the doors
28:35would open inwards
28:36on a dodecahedral hinge.
28:38But no,
28:39if I pull up in a Noble,
28:40the door
28:41is just a door
28:42that opens
28:43sort of
28:44doorishly.
28:46Everything is
28:46where it should be
28:48and how it should be.
28:49And by biting off
28:55only what they can chew,
28:57Noble have made a car
28:58that is
28:59quite simply
29:00brilliant.
29:01It's one hell of a car
29:15this, I have to say.
29:15It's just a shame
29:16I didn't drive it.
29:17You didn't.
29:18And you're not going to now either
29:19because it's time
29:20to put it in the hands
29:21of our tame racing driver.
29:23Some say
29:23that his first name
29:24really is
29:25The
29:26and that if he went
29:27on Celebrity Love Island
29:28they'd all be pregnant
29:29including
29:30the cameraman.
29:31All we know is
29:34he's called
29:35The Stig.
29:37And he's off
29:38smoking the tyres
29:39but then it soon
29:40digs in.
29:41Plenty of traction there
29:42as he blasts up
29:42towards the first corner.
29:44Here we go.
29:45Little correction
29:45on the way in
29:46but he's holding it steady
29:47now hard on the power
29:48to push him out
29:49the other side.
29:54You have a beautiful home.
29:56Hasn't Stig
29:56mastered Greek yet?
29:58Well he's certainly
29:58mastered Chicago
29:59looking very neat
30:00now kicking the tail
30:01wide
30:01very dramatic
30:02now Hammerhead
30:04expecting good things
30:05here
30:05so much poison grip
30:06with this car
30:07flicking it right
30:08little bit of understeer
30:09but he's on top of that
30:10and that is beautifully done
30:12out the other side
30:13whoa Stig
30:14then he's on top of that
30:15then he's on top of that
30:17there's no toilet paper
30:19now really winding it up
30:21now for the follow through
30:22this car has more torque
30:23than previous nobles
30:24in any gear
30:25it just goes
30:27and look at that
30:27very fast
30:28two corners to go
30:29right on the edge here
30:31oh just gambon left now
30:33chucks it in
30:35oh no he's on the grass
30:38and across the line
30:39oh yeah
30:42we'll see
30:43it really did
30:43he's so absolutely
30:45yeah
30:46it did
30:46well
30:47it did it in
30:50one minute
30:51twenty
30:52two
30:54you're not going to be able to reach then
30:560.5
31:00which is phenomenal
31:02that puts it
31:03right in the way up there
31:04so that is faster than a 430 Ferrari
31:07faster than a Mercer Lago
31:07faster than a standard Zonda
31:09that is incredible
31:10I mean look at it
31:11it's like this Corvette
31:12the Z06
31:13it's one of those giant killers
31:14absolutely
31:15what I want to know is
31:16there's the old noble okay
31:18why is that one so much faster
31:20I mean why does it have more power
31:22because it's the same engine
31:23yeah
31:23well basically in the old one
31:25that V6 was mounted sideways in the car
31:27which meant there was only room
31:29for the gearbox off a Mondeo
31:30oh god yeah
31:31so you can only put so much power through it
31:33now they've turned it round
31:34mounted it lengthways
31:35they've been able to put their own
31:36custom built gearbox on it
31:37yeah
31:38they'll get more power out of it
31:39turn the turbos up
31:40and you get better cooling as well
31:41yeah it's easy to
31:42yeah
31:42well that's brilliant
31:44and now we've got to move on
31:45because it's time to put a star
31:47in our reasonably priced car
31:49now my guest tonight
31:51is a huge star
31:52and a Cockney
31:52so ladies and gentlemen
31:54onto your plates of meat
31:56and open your mince pies
31:58because he's here in the
31:59wait a minute
32:00the Phil Collins
32:02s-s-s-studio
32:03that's not working is it
32:05expecting a complete hash of this
32:06but anyway
32:07ladies and gentlemen
32:08he's the meanest
32:09coolest actor working in Britain today
32:10Ray Winston
32:11oh yeah
32:14love the look
32:16thank you
32:17how are you?
32:17good to see mate
32:19I'm all right
32:20have a seat
32:20thank you
32:21thank you
32:25that's a welcome
32:26how are you then?
32:29I played him
32:30didn't I?
32:32now you're a man who says
32:33you don't like the trappings of show business
32:35we tend not to give you any
32:36well I do like the trappings of show business
32:40oh do you?
32:40I apologise
32:41you certainly haven't given me any
32:42no
32:42it's the air conditioning's the worst thing
32:45well they're saying it's like cold
32:46it's out there
32:47I just wanted to go and have a wash
32:48and have you seen the cars here?
32:50yeah I was hoping you wouldn't need that
32:52no I will
32:52I didn't use it
32:53you are an East End boy
32:56yeah I am
32:58I'm out of Plasto in West End
32:59presumably half the people you were at school with
33:01they're all in clink shortly there
33:03no not really
33:04I mean there's a lot of boys
33:05we used to go boxing with
33:06one of them's Tony Martin
33:07who's one of the top writers in this country
33:08you know
33:09there's Glenn Murphy who's an actor
33:11you know so they're
33:12I'd forgotten you did boxing
33:13yeah
33:14you boxed for England
33:14well yeah I boxed
33:16kind of a novice level at England
33:17for England
33:18I boxed against Wales a couple of times
33:19yeah
33:20how many fights did you have?
33:2188
33:2188?
33:22yeah
33:22I won one
33:23yeah
33:24so how did you get from
33:28kind of East End
33:28boxing
33:29that whole thing
33:30to a drama school
33:32well my mum and dad
33:34they moved out of Plasto
33:35because dad was in the fruit game
33:36and they moved to Edmonton
33:39Enfield
33:39around that area
33:40and I went to school there
33:42and I've done a school play
33:42which I think my mum looked at
33:45and thought
33:45there's a way for him out
33:46you know
33:47of getting into trouble
33:48and all that sort of stuff
33:49and she put me in a drama school
33:50which I
33:50I wanted to do
33:51and I lasted a year there
33:53what did you get expelled for?
33:55well I was
33:55there's a lot of snobbery in my game
33:57Jeremy
33:58and I was looked at
34:00I think
34:00there's a bit of a danger
34:01to the other kids
34:01I mean before I had elocution listens
34:03you should have heard me
34:04really
34:04I mean I was a bit of a toe rag
34:07you know
34:07no
34:08and I sabotaged her car
34:10I put taxes
34:11who's?
34:12the headmistress
34:13and I got grass
34:14by someone from West London
34:15taxing the tires
34:16obviously
34:16yeah
34:17and I was thrown out of school
34:19but you know
34:20looking back at it
34:21quite rightly so
34:21you know
34:22could have been a dangerous thing
34:23couldn't it
34:23mm-hmm
34:23yeah
34:25well at least you talk proper now
34:27yeah I do
34:27yeah
34:28that's the important thing
34:29I'm a proper actor now
34:30aren't I
34:30yeah well exactly
34:31you always play a villain
34:32I don't
34:33well I mean Henry VIII
34:34well he was a villain
34:35Henry VIII was probably
34:36the biggest gangster
34:37yeah exactly
34:37he made England
34:39what it is today
34:40I'd have Elizabeth I for that one
34:43well you know
34:44I mean fantastic
34:44same stock
34:45I mean you know
34:46it was my kid
34:46I loved her
34:47she's proper
34:48didn't you go and work
34:51in the flower market
34:51was it the flower market
34:52no the fruit market
34:53she works in Spitalfruits
34:54yeah with my dad
34:55my dad was a greengrocer
34:56I thought your dad was a cab driver
34:58no he's a cab driver now
34:59there's a great story about him
35:00you know cab driver stories
35:01I never looked at my dad
35:03as being very gullible
35:04but he stood for this one
35:05and he said
35:06yeah we're standing in the pub
35:07and he's telling me the story
35:08about this fellow
35:09who came out of the Dorchester
35:11one day
35:11out of the cab
35:12and the taxi said
35:13where do you want to go
35:14he said Berlin
35:14he said I've missed the flight
35:15I can't get there
35:16I need to go to Berlin
35:17I want you to take me down to Dover
35:18on the boat
35:19Bosch
35:19go through France
35:20take me to Berlin
35:20I need to get there
35:21so the cab driver done that
35:23and he's got to Berlin
35:24and as he's dropped the fella off
35:26he's paid him in Redis
35:27and as he's about
35:28the cab driver's about to turn away
35:29and come home
35:30a fella came out of the hotel
35:31and said
35:32mate
35:32can you take me to London
35:33and my dad believed that
35:37let's talk about cars
35:41you're a Jag man
35:44I've never been really that mad on cars
35:48I've always had old bangers
35:49all my life
35:50but as a kid
35:51the car at the time
35:52was the E-Type Jag
35:53still is
35:55well you know
35:55it's a fantastic tool
35:56because in the past
35:57the E-Type was got a very pretty thing
36:00but they still had the Arthur Daly
36:02you know
36:03it's a getaway car at Jag
36:05well I think so
36:06it's always had that sexiness about it
36:07I know exactly
36:08and it's like
36:09crumbies
36:09nice crumbies
36:10and all that
36:11yeah the swag in the boot
36:12well I can never work that one out
36:14because near where I live
36:15there's a Huntbeck bridge
36:16that goes over a station
36:17it was quite humpy
36:18right
36:18and my mate didn't know
36:20when he was driving my old Jag
36:21and we come flying over the Huntbeck
36:23and it hit the floor
36:24and it switched off
36:25the whole car switched off
36:26there was a fellow following us
36:27behind in the van
36:28who I happen to know
36:29and he said what's the matter
36:30I said he's killed the car
36:30you know
36:31he said no he ain't
36:32he said there's a button
36:33at the bottom of a Jag
36:35and it's a switch off thing
36:36so if you ever crash
36:37it switches yourself off
36:39which is no good
36:40if you're a bank robber
36:41it ain't is it
36:44I mean
36:44you're in a hundred mile chase
36:46with the old bill up your backside
36:48you know
36:48and you happen to hit the curb
36:50or something
36:50and the car switches off
36:51you're really in trouble
36:52anyway
36:54your lap
36:55how was it
36:56oh I loved it
36:57and I'm not a fast driver really
36:59because of driving the kids about
37:01and going around with Stig
37:03he's a really good teacher
37:04everybody says that
37:05well as long as you listen to him
37:06you know
37:07you've got to listen to the guy
37:07and really
37:09in the end
37:09I was loving it
37:10so we have a look at
37:11what
37:11on egg bap
37:13what's that
37:14I mean slap
37:14I thought I'd drop it in
37:15lap
37:16oh right
37:17thank you
37:18we're ready
37:20yeah cool
37:21play the tape
37:22now you see
37:25was that nice
37:25good wheel spin start
37:28yeah look
37:31oh that's looking good
37:32he's tidy through
37:37that's a good look
37:41you've got on your face
37:42there
37:42was that acting
37:42or is that real
37:43yeah acting
37:43yeah I was saying
37:44oh
37:44let's go
37:49put it in the fourth
37:51get it down
37:52but not looking at the gear lever
37:55that is the important thing
37:56we've discovered
37:57oh it's wide
37:58gone a bit wide
37:59still better than
38:00better than Jensen
38:01oh was it
38:02Nigel Manson
38:04now this is the tricky one
38:11this is where you make
38:11all across
38:12that's very dangerous
38:13doing that
38:13you're not lifting
38:14the accelerator
38:14you're alright my son
38:16yee-haw
38:19there's a man
38:22oh my god
38:23that's cut that corner
38:24nicely
38:24are we on the grass
38:25there
38:26yes
38:26but back on
38:27coming into Gambon
38:28that is very nice
38:30too Gambon
38:31and here we are
38:31across the line
38:33very nice
38:36where do you think
38:40you've come
38:41I don't know
38:41because I think
38:43my time was
38:43alright
38:44I'm very hard to joke
38:46I thought I was going
38:46really fast
38:47but above Coogan
38:49anyway
38:49above Coogan
38:50how can I break it
38:53oh I never
38:53I didn't beat Coogan
38:55one minute
38:5651.4
39:00what's that then
39:00well it's there
39:02I'm afraid
39:02how did Coogan
39:03beat me
39:03but give him
39:04a round of applause
39:05anyway
39:05and I'll tell you
39:06what I'll do
39:07hang on
39:08I'll tell you
39:08what I'll do
39:08I'm going to put
39:13hot on it
39:13thank you
39:16I'm going to put
39:19hot on it
39:20because we've
39:20decided that
39:21we didn't tell
39:22Jenson Button
39:23this
39:23what a humiliating point
39:26but we've decided
39:28that hot days
39:29cause the cars
39:30to be slower
39:30I think that's true
39:32thought you would
39:34I don't feel too bad
39:35actually
39:36because haven't you
39:36just spent a year
39:37snogging Angelina Jolly
39:38not only a day
39:39oh I'm sorry
39:40it felt like a year
39:41no it was fancy
39:42I came home to my wife
39:44after the night of doing it
39:45it was in Los Angeles
39:46and she went
39:47she don't usually ask me
39:49what I've done
39:49she said
39:49what's the matter babe
39:51I said
39:51I've had a bit of a
39:52over the day babe
39:53she said
39:55well what's the matter
39:56I said
39:56I've spent the whole day
39:57I've had to snog her
39:58all day
39:59Angelina Jolly
40:00she said
40:01well someone's got
40:01got me Brad
40:04ladies and gentlemen
40:05she's a great girl
40:05Ray Winston
40:06thank you
40:06thank you
40:07thank you
40:09thank you
40:10thank you
40:11thank you
40:11thank you
40:11thank you
40:12thank you
40:12thank you
40:13thank you
40:14thank you
40:15right
40:16now
40:17earlier in the show
40:20we road tested
40:21three vans
40:22and proved that
40:23we know
40:24absolutely nothing
40:25about something
40:26no nothing
40:26so the producers
40:27came up with a plan
40:28they said
40:29the only way to learn
40:30about vans
40:31is to actually
40:32go out
40:32buy one
40:33and run it
40:34yeah
40:35so
40:36they gave each of us
40:37a thousand pounds
40:38told us to buy a van
40:39sign right the side
40:41with our company name
40:42and then report to
40:43the Top Gear test track
40:44here
40:44for a number of
40:45challengers
40:46because I know
40:49so little about vans
40:51I did what Hammond
40:52had done
40:52in the earlier test
40:53played it safe
40:54and bought myself
40:55a Ford Transit
40:56long wheelbase
40:57two and a half litre
40:58diesel engine
40:59only done
40:5977,000 miles
41:01apparently
41:02and do you know
41:03how much I paid for it
41:03800 quid
41:05James meanwhile
41:09had stuck to his theory
41:10of biggest is best
41:11and bought a huge
41:12LDB box fan
41:14James are you filming
41:15with us today
41:16or are you moving house
41:17James however
41:19was more bothered
41:20about my sign writing
41:21what have you done
41:22with that sign
41:23Top Gear Furriers
41:25couriers
41:26oh
41:27couriers
41:28it's top
41:28I may have
41:29no wait
41:30wait wait wait
41:31wait
41:31god that's a
41:34stuperb thing
41:36it's brilliant
41:37it's not bad
41:37how much was it
41:38950 quid
41:40and now we have
41:41to wait for
41:42Bob the Builder
41:43really don't we
41:43who eventually
41:46did arrive
41:47did you like
41:51wash it on
41:52too hot a setting
41:53I have to
41:53leave that wound up
41:55there
41:55because I ran
41:56I see what you've
41:57done
41:57ran out of space
41:58well you would
41:59it's a Suzuki
42:00super carry
42:01optimistic title
42:04it's basically
42:05a supermarket
42:06it's basically
42:08a Bedford rascal
42:09it's got nearly
42:10a 900cc engine
42:110-60
42:1318-19 seconds
42:14I would imagine
42:15that's quicker than mine
42:16well let's see
42:17because it's time
42:18to get on with
42:18the challengers
42:19here it is
42:21the first instruction
42:22of the day
42:23we start with
42:25something with which
42:26you should be familiar
42:27a quarter mile
42:28drag race
42:29who's got the
42:30fastest van
42:31what's that actually
42:33got to do with
42:34anything
42:34you're gonna come
42:35last
42:35actually there is
42:39a point
42:39a self-employed
42:40van driver
42:41can't afford to
42:42waste his day
42:42with a tool
42:43that isn't quick
42:44enough
42:44mid-engine
42:47just right here
42:47which gives me
42:48perfect weight
42:49distribution
42:49so dynamically
42:50I'm already ahead
42:51I wasn't expecting
42:54much oomph
42:55unlike our cameraman
42:56who's used to
42:57filming much faster
42:58stuff than this
42:59and no match for hamster
43:05look at his postage
43:06stand go
43:07probably the best part
43:09of 50 brake horsepower
43:10I'm just leaving them
43:11for dead
43:12James and I had the
43:13same two and a half
43:14litre Ford engine
43:15but he had more
43:16weight
43:17good bye mate
43:19good bye mate
43:19come on
43:23yeah
43:25I'm gonna pass the finishing line
43:27and I'm doing nearly 60
43:29James came a noisy last
43:39in motorsport's slowest ever
43:41drag race
43:42and Hammond had won it
43:43which seemed to please him
43:45where did that come from
43:49then it was time
43:50for challenge number two
43:51a good van driver
43:54must be able to load
43:55his van as quickly
43:56and efficiently as possible
43:57you must now fill your
43:59vehicles with a selection
44:00of cargo
44:00and deliver it safely
44:01to the drop off
44:02you will be racing
44:03each other
44:03I hope it's a really
44:05big pile of stuff
44:07I don't like manual labour
44:08our cargo included
44:10all the bits and bobs
44:12a man in a van
44:13might be expected
44:14to carry
44:14everything from vases
44:16to expensive works of art
44:18and from double mattresses
44:20to illegal immigrants
44:213, 2, 1, go
44:24maybe issues here
44:28Richard really did
44:30have a size problem
44:31and his van
44:32was pretty small as well
44:34painted by Ronnie Shepard
44:37James was having problems
44:39with his illegal immigrant
44:40come on
44:41so he decided to employ him
44:44meanwhile Jeremy was being
44:48as practical as ever
44:49oh
44:54oh that's
44:55just mind that
45:00who says that loading a van
45:09is a slow process
45:10that didn't break
45:11that didn't break
45:12yes it did
45:13that did
45:14how do you say you go in the front
45:18in Albanian
45:19get in the back
45:20hide under the mattress
45:22and you owe me 20 grand
45:23I'm done
45:27hold tight
45:30James had indeed set off first
45:33but the winner was the first
45:34to cross the line
45:35and then get his van unloaded
45:37so I hatched
45:38a dastardly plan
45:39unload that
45:41mate
45:41empty
45:47I think I've won something
45:49panily
45:50James had driven a few feet forward
45:53so he could unload
45:54but he was still having trouble
45:57with his inner group
45:57he therefore finished second
46:01Hammond
46:02well he looked ridiculous
46:03and he was last
46:05I'll tell you what though
46:09what
46:09we're no worse than the last removal people I used
46:11so
46:12the next challenge then
46:14here we go
46:17possibly the most important skill
46:19a van driver must have
46:21is the ability to sit right on the tail
46:23of the car in front
46:24so each of you must now drive
46:26up the runway
46:27and get as close as possible
46:29to the bumper of a lane hogger
46:30in front
46:31without touching
46:32the closer you get
46:33the more points you get
46:35Hammond went first
46:38with Jeremy and I
46:39posing as the lane hoggers
46:40alright 40
46:42here he comes
46:43set
46:43we would measure the gap between us
46:45using a special laser
46:47mounted on the back of the car
46:48this would be quite easy
46:50in my van
46:51because of course
46:52it's got a completely flat front
46:54so basically
46:55I just keep going till my knees
46:56touch the back
46:57it's like being followed by a small insect
47:01and he's not frightening me
47:05he's 31.9 millimetres away
47:12which is a vast
47:13yawning chasm
47:14it is
47:15you could park a bus
47:17in that gap
47:17Hammond
47:18Hammond responded
47:1918.9
47:2110.34 millimetres
47:24next it was Jeremy
47:27with 10.3 millimetres
47:29to beat
47:29here he comes
47:32here he comes
47:33now that's a familiar sight
47:34on the road
47:34isn't it
47:3550 millimetres
47:3560 millimetres
47:36this is the problem
47:37with the transit
47:38is you cannot see
47:39where the front is
47:40you just can't
47:41there's nothing
47:42what's he doing
47:43with most of my torso
47:47out of the window
47:48so I had a much clearer view
47:50now he's hit us
47:53he's hit us
47:54he's hit us
47:54no that's
47:55no that's
47:56he must have bent the bumper site
48:01because it went to minus six millimetres
48:03finally it was James's turn
48:06and he had an even bigger problem than me
48:08I can't catch up
48:12what's he saying
48:14well
48:15does he measure in miles
48:16come on
48:17we are going to run out of runway
48:20before James gets anywhere near us
48:24I really can't terrorise
48:30but it's strange
48:31Captain Sloan
48:36living up to his name there
48:37and now
48:38the next challenge
48:39van drivers
48:41never waste their profits
48:42on vehicle maintenance
48:43so
48:44you must now
48:45each change the front door
48:46of your own van
48:47you'll be racing
48:48against each other
48:49that's more manual labour
48:51yes it is
48:52three
48:55two
48:56one
48:57go
48:57right
48:58can I be excused this
49:01oh look
49:02the producers said no
49:04so while the others set to work with spanners
49:06I broke out my ingenuity
49:08James can I borrow your van
49:10I think that did the trick
49:16that's off
49:24soon we were all trying to attach the new doors
49:27with varying degrees of intelligence
49:29impossible
49:31I was the first to finish
49:43without using cellar tape
49:45is the door in place
49:48go and open it
49:49what?
49:50go and open it
49:50it doesn't say anything about opening it
49:51it said get a new door
49:52well for Pete's sake
49:56James meanwhile was taking so long
49:58that he ran out of time
50:00I was about to finish
50:03no you weren't
50:04you were fiddling with your spanners
50:05polishing them
50:06he'd given them all names
50:09this is Geoffrey
50:09this is Ian
50:10this is Stephen
50:11get on with it
50:12right
50:13thieving Ian will now attempt
50:15to break into the back doors
50:17of your vans
50:19the longer it takes him
50:20the more points you get
50:22three
50:23two
50:24one
50:25go
50:26he'll knock it over
50:27thieving Ian is Top Gear's
50:29tame car thief
50:30and by the looks of it
50:31not a very good one
50:32what he's done is
50:34he's pushed the lock
50:34into the thing
50:36that's quite funny
50:37he's really quite stumped
50:38by yours
50:39it's small
50:40why don't you just pick the van up
50:42and put it in your pocket
50:43by now
50:44the police would be here
50:45he'd be in prison
50:46and then let out again
50:47he's defeated
50:48he's defeated
50:49at one minute
50:50three
50:53two
50:54one
50:55go
50:56is that technically
50:57not cheating
50:58he's saying
51:00car thieves are very clever
51:01these days
51:02but this one isn't
51:02is it
51:03oh
51:03oh
51:04he's in
51:06I've got 34 seconds
51:0834 seconds
51:09for the transit
51:10to withstand
51:11the world's
51:12most
51:13useless burglar
51:15three
51:16two
51:17one
51:18go
51:1934 seconds
51:20this is quite important
51:21how easy it is to get in
51:2310 seconds
51:31he just walked up and it happened
51:3310 seconds sir
51:34this is it
51:36it's the final challenge
51:39it's a game of cops and robbers
51:41round the top gear short circuit
51:43you start then 20 seconds later
51:45a police car will give chase
51:47the person who stays in front the longest wins
51:50who's driving a police car
51:51says here it's detective inspector stig
51:54stig would be driving a standard 1.6 litre vauxhall astra panda car
52:00a bugatti veyron compared to our vans
52:04jeremy went first
52:06it's exciting
52:07there goes fingers clarkson with his haul
52:15okay now in the 1970s
52:1880% of all bank jobs
52:21picture the poor transit van as a getaway bid
52:2520 seconds later
52:27stick of the yard set off
52:28through the follow through
52:31oh yes
52:32oh my door's gone
52:38my door's gone
52:39he looks such a pillar
52:42shedding weight however
52:44was good
52:45objective inspector stig
52:49the finish line was in sight
52:54marbella here i come
52:56oh no
52:57no
52:58police stig
52:59no
53:00no
53:01no
53:02no
53:03i didn't make it
53:08that was excellent i was worthy of the bill
53:10next up
53:12james cray
53:13he's caught it
53:17what a majestic sight
53:20there goes police sting
53:24there goes police sting
53:25there goes police sting
53:30there goes the hammerhead
53:32has james ever gone round the hammerhead
53:34no
53:35keep breaking hard
53:37no he's got me
53:43it's all over
53:44i'll come cleanly
53:46it's a fair car
53:47you did better than i thought
53:49this might you might do quite well here
53:50yeah
53:51oh yeah
53:53short wheelbase
53:55this is like a little rocket
53:56first corner now it's mid-engine
53:59i reckon i'm going to give it a bit of the old scandinavian flick
54:02he's rolled it
54:10he's rolled it overlook
54:11he's out
54:15that means i'm second
54:16he's lost
54:17so um
54:19he could be dead
54:21well there's a police car at the scene of the accident so
54:24well if he is dead and you fancy a job on top gear why not write to us at
54:28i'm better than richard hammond was
54:30i may have
54:32i've overcooked that a bit
54:34bbc woodlane london w1270s
54:37it is time to add up the scores and see who's won
54:55yep now we've already filled in the scores for the drag race the loading and the thief
54:59test the tailgating knows where it gets tricky
55:01you get a point for every centimetre under every centimetre under 10 centimetres
55:05right so i was minus a half
55:08uh richard you were nine and james you were
55:13minus four million
55:15yeah
55:15hang on a minute i lose four million points for not tailgating
55:20that's exactly right
55:22and you don't get anything for the door challenge because you are still naming all your spanners
55:27and who won that one
55:29it was me i won the door
55:30no no hang on you put that on with gaffer tape
55:32you can't have that
55:34so the whole british army is held together with gaffer tape
55:36it didn't open and if something doesn't open it's not a door
55:40he's right
55:41did open
55:41it didn't
55:43it did when it fell off
55:44you can't claim that
55:46all right
55:47who here thinks jeremy won with the door
55:50who thinks jeremy won that
55:52who thinks i won fitting my door on with bolts
55:55everybody
55:56okay so one for me
55:58you're lost
56:00you did
56:02you're lost
56:02fair enough i'm not sure
56:04plenty more ground
56:05yeah we're three so you get three
56:07and you get no
56:08well you're gloating nought man
56:10and i get two
56:11now the police chase
56:13that would be a big three for me
56:15james you did well
56:16two
56:17and you
56:18one
56:19one
56:19your van rolled over
56:22i could have been killed
56:24so
56:24you'd have still lost
56:26exactly
56:27exactly and now we've got to add these up
56:30so it's five six
56:31five and a half
56:32seven and a half
56:33ten and a half
56:34okay
56:35richard three four
56:37oh wait a minute
56:38four seven
56:39stretching this isn't it
56:39twenty
56:40okay
56:41and james you're two three four five six seven
56:45three million
56:47sorry
56:47minus
56:48three million
56:49nine hundred and ninety nine thousand
56:51nine hundred and ninety
56:53three
56:54yeah
56:55is what you've scored
56:56didn't go well for you did it
56:57you're not going well
56:58however there was one more challenge
57:01because the producers told us to put a man with a van type ad
57:05in a newspaper each
57:07and then we would each get one point for every response we got from our ad
57:10yes we did so james
57:12what was your advert
57:14my ad was
57:15man with van
57:17ldv convoy with fully functioning automatic door system
57:20driven by steady sensitive classically trained pianist
57:24nice
57:24be good
57:25let's go remember it's one point for each reply
57:28oh yeah
57:28chance for you to claw back some points here james
57:30how many replies
57:32none
57:33right
57:33so you're pretty much out
57:36okay richard your ad was
57:37well my ad ran like this
57:39driver with van
57:41surprisingly spacious
57:43would suit anyone who lives at very narrow street
57:46speedy delivery guaranteed thanks to f1 style mid-engined layout
57:49which it's got
57:50which it has
57:51no denying that
57:52how many replies
57:54one
57:55one so you actually now get 21
57:58i think this man with a van malarkey is not as well paid as we might have imagined
58:02it's not brilliant is it
58:03not really
58:03so
58:04come on
58:04let's see
58:05mine
58:05oh yeah very quickly
58:07very simple
58:07man with van
58:08classic ford transit
58:09well ventilated
58:11it had no door on it
58:12well ventilator
58:14willing driver
58:15slightly bad back
58:16right okay so let me just work this out a minute
58:19so if you
58:20hammond's in the lead but if you get more than 10 and a half replies
58:23you'll have won
58:24yeah 11 and a half replies i think 11 and a half replies
58:27and you got
58:28um yes i win
58:31it's nice
58:32thank you
58:33and the really good thing is that this means all future vanter soon future will be done by you
58:44i don't want to
58:45yeah and i'm going to do the supercars from now and although that is a way off because this
58:50is the last program in the series sorry about that but we will see you again in the autumn
58:54thank you so much for watching good night
58:57top gear may be going on holiday but there's still time to take part in the top gear survey
59:04if you've got a car on an 03 53 04 or 54 plate we want to know all about how satisfied you are with it
59:14log on to bbc.co.uk forward slash top gear and we'll bring you the results in the next series
59:21you
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