- 2 months ago
In Episode 2 of Season 15, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May are each given £5,000 to buy a four-door saloon car that’s street-legal and track-worthy. They head to Germany to test their finds — the Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth, BMW M3 (E36) and Mercedes 190E 2.3-16 Cosworth — across speed, practicality and endurance. James also test-drives the Porsche 911 Sport Classic and Boxster Spyder, while guest Alastair Campbell takes a lap in the new reasonably priced car.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight, James gets wet, an actual spin doctor on our track, and the stair glaps, a reliant robin.
00:00:21Now, as we know, track days these days are very popular.
00:00:40The idea is that you drive your own car to a race circuit wearing some horrible branded
00:00:47shirt, like, for example, this one, and then you drive around as fast as possible all day,
00:00:55and then you go home.
00:00:57Today, track days are such big business, you can even buy specialised track day cars like
00:01:01this KTM Crossbook.
00:01:03Thing is, this costs £45,000, which is a lot, especially as you can't exactly take the kids
00:01:10to school in it.
00:01:11No, so, to address this, the producers gave us each a budget of £5,000, and they told
00:01:18us to buy four-door saloons that could be used every day, but that would also be good on
00:01:22a track day.
00:01:23And because the challenges they had in mind were quite serious, they told us to meet up
00:01:28in the world's least amusing city.
00:01:31Yep, it was Berlin.
00:01:46I was the first to arrive, and as you would imagine, I had done everything properly.
00:01:52This is a Mercedes 190 Cosworth, and Martin Brundle, the former Formula 1 driver, said that this
00:01:59car had one of the best chassis ever fitted to a four-door saloon.
00:02:03It is, if you like, the thinking man's BMW M3.
00:02:07Talking of which...
00:02:09Hammond.
00:02:10Oh, yeah.
00:02:11Take a look.
00:02:12Yes.
00:02:13BMW M3, 3.2 litres.
00:02:14So, you bought the wrong one?
00:02:15No, actually, I haven't, because the original one is now considered the classic, so you can't
00:02:24get a good one for less than £15,000.
00:02:27This, the Suze II of the M3, is bigger, faster, and better.
00:02:31So, this is the famous Mercedes 190.
00:02:35It is?
00:02:362.3.
00:02:37Cosworth.
00:02:38Known for being the slowest performance car of all time.
00:02:41At that moment, we were interrupted by the arrival of Clarkson.
00:02:46Predictable.
00:02:47Predictable.
00:02:48For good reason.
00:02:50The only reason you two didn't buy a Ford Sierra Sapphire Cosworth is because you forgot
00:02:57about it.
00:02:58No.
00:02:59It's because when you think of high-performance four-door saloons, you naturally think of Germany.
00:03:03It's what they do here.
00:03:04Exactly.
00:03:05And where was yours made?
00:03:06It was designed by a man called Bua Bansen, who is German.
00:03:10And where was it built?
00:03:12Belgium.
00:03:13Oh, Belgium.
00:03:14The Mecca for the performance motorists.
00:03:16Belgium is home to everything.
00:03:18Tennis players, ships.
00:03:19It's not the first place you think of going for a performance saloon, is it?
00:03:23I'm going to lose this, and you will end up in Skula.
00:03:26At that moment, a challenge arrived.
00:03:28Oh, hello.
00:03:31You will now leave Berlin and head down an unrestricted autobahn.
00:03:34Good.
00:03:35Points will be awarded for every MPH more than 130 that you can, or should we say dare, achieve.
00:03:43This won't be out of second gear when they're going on.
00:03:46What's your top speed?
00:03:47Top speed of that?
00:03:48Yeah.
00:03:49151.
00:03:50Mine had to be limited to 155.
00:03:53This is when they introduced limiting.
00:03:55They realised it's too fast.
00:03:56It's a monster.
00:03:57It was limited.
00:03:58Fair enough.
00:03:59Because this had the six-cylinder engine 3.2 litres.
00:04:00It did.
00:04:013.2, yep.
00:04:02James, I seem to remember this was not that fast.
00:04:04No.
00:04:05What was its top speed?
00:04:06143.
00:04:07143?
00:04:08Yes.
00:04:09So not really a performance car.
00:04:10But I reckon mine will still do that because it is a Mercedes-Benz.
00:04:14What?
00:04:15What?
00:04:16Oh, my God!
00:04:17Ah, the interior.
00:04:18Have you seen the inside of his car?
00:04:20Toffee and caramel, that interior is.
00:04:22It's not.
00:04:23Oh, he's gone for the fake wood door pulls.
00:04:26That's a quality touch.
00:04:27Right.
00:04:28We've got to get out of Berlin.
00:04:30Okay.
00:04:31What's that?
00:04:32I don't know.
00:04:33It wasn't there this morning.
00:04:35You don't think it fell out of James' luggage, do you?
00:04:37I fell out of my what?
00:04:40I missed that.
00:04:49Ooh, yes.
00:04:50Straight six.
00:04:51That's a proper engine.
00:04:55This is the what?
00:04:58What this car has, that the other two cars don't have, is a dogleg first gear.
00:05:04I should explain this.
00:05:05Normally, first gear is away from you and forwards, but here it is away from you and backwards.
00:05:12That means that second and third and then fourth and fifth are in straight lines, which is what you want for racing.
00:05:18So that is a sign that this car has a proper motorsport pedigree.
00:05:23You have to remember that in the late 80s, early 90s, the Germans were all drunk, running around, celebrating the fall of the Berlin Wall.
00:05:32And that showed in the sloppiness of the cars they were making.
00:05:36The Belgians, on the other hand, they never have anything to celebrate.
00:05:41They just get up, go to work and do a good job, as we can see here.
00:05:45Those are his reversing lights.
00:05:56Oh, ****.
00:05:58James, what was that?
00:05:59Er, nothing.
00:06:00Look, I've had 30 years of it being left and forwards. It's a difficult habit to get out of.
00:06:08On the outskirts of Berlin, we pulled over so our cars could be fitted with super-accurate speedometers.
00:06:19And then we hit the autobahn to see which one was the fastest.
00:06:27Right, for Belgium!
00:06:292.0-litre, 16-valve, massive turbo.
00:06:355,000 RPM.
00:06:385.5, into fit.
00:06:41120.
00:06:43Come on, come on!
00:06:46125.
00:06:486, 7.
00:06:49Oh, it's pulling to the right, it's gone floating.
00:06:52128.
00:06:549.
00:06:56Come on, let's have 130.
00:06:59Traffic.
00:07:01A lot of trucks, a lot of trucks.
00:07:06117.
00:07:09121.
00:07:13Feeling good.
00:07:16128.
00:07:19132.
00:07:22135, traffic.
00:07:25Oh, God!
00:07:28122.
00:07:29122.
00:07:30Bit of a weave.
00:07:32Oh, bloody lorry.
00:07:34Achtung, schnell, schnell!
00:07:38It turned out that while you're allowed to reach the top speed of your car on the autobahn, it's not easy.
00:07:56You got an East German truck, yes, look, he's doing it, he's doing it!
00:08:01You just get these East German trucks and they just pull out when they want to pull out.
00:08:07Eventually, though, the traffic did thin.
00:08:09So we went for another run.
00:08:12Here we go!
00:08:13Again!
00:08:16Don't pull out.
00:08:17Do not pull out.
00:08:22132.
00:08:24Three.
00:08:25Four.
00:08:26Five.
00:08:28Goal!
00:08:29Come on!
00:08:32136.
00:08:34Smelling pretty bad.
00:08:36Smelling pretty bad.
00:08:39138.
00:08:41Nine.
00:08:43140 miles an hour!
00:08:49Oh, yes!
00:08:51Engine temperatures shooting up.
00:08:53But that was 142 miles per hour.
00:08:57Not bad for a 21-year-old Ford.
00:09:02Whoo!
00:09:04One, three, five!
00:09:06Yes!
00:09:08Come on, give me 140.
00:09:10Give me 140.
00:09:12There it is.
00:09:14Just three more miles per hour and the German Cosworth would beat the Belgian Cosworth.
00:09:21Come on, come on, come on.
00:09:27Not gonna do it.
00:09:29Sorry.
00:09:30Did my best.
00:09:33Now, watch and learn.
00:09:36Come on now, come on now, come on now.
00:09:41138.
00:09:44144.
00:09:4647.
00:09:4848.
00:09:5049.
00:09:5150.
00:09:53152.
00:09:55152.
00:10:00Traffic.
00:10:02Slowing.
00:10:04This thing will do 155 pretty easily.
00:10:06You'll have to see a traffic every time.
00:10:08Yeah, yeah.
00:10:09This will do 180.
00:10:11It will!
00:10:15With round one going to the BMW, we pulled over in the next town and were given another challenge.
00:10:22So far, we've established the speed your cars can go.
00:10:25To see how practical they are, for the next bit of the journey, you'll take it in turns to carry some passengers.
00:10:31All right.
00:10:32All right.
00:10:33All right.
00:10:34All right.
00:10:35I'm sorry.
00:10:36As it turned out, it wasn't all right.
00:10:38All right.
00:10:49If we do crash, it will take some explaining.
00:10:57Come on, I'm the tallest thing here.
00:11:00It's not as bad as you think, actually.
00:11:03I'm trying to be killed by lightning.
00:11:04What?
00:11:05I'm trying to be killed by lightning.
00:11:07Sorry?
00:11:09Are you deaf?
00:11:10Sorry?
00:11:11In you go.
00:11:12Sadly, I wasn't killed by lightning, so I went next.
00:11:15Oh.
00:11:16I might just move these.
00:11:21It's my light reading over here.
00:11:26Almost immediately, I realized that there was enough space in the back and that the rear suspension was coping fine.
00:11:34So, I decided to pull over as quickly as possible.
00:11:39Kill me.
00:11:41And handed the band over to James.
00:11:44Ready, James?
00:11:45Yeah.
00:11:46Vorvortz!
00:11:48Shy, sir.
00:11:58After a while, it became apparent James wasn't coming back.
00:12:04Oh, hello.
00:12:14This looks like trouble.
00:12:17While waiting for the Mercedes to cool down, we asked the umpar band which car they thought was the most spacious.
00:12:24Is it the Mercedes?
00:12:26No.
00:12:27Definitely not the Mercedes.
00:12:28What about the BMW?
00:12:30It's the best.
00:12:31You see?
00:12:32You see?
00:12:33It's our favorite.
00:12:34Why?
00:12:35It's smaller than the Ford.
00:12:36It's coming from Bavaria like us.
00:12:39Isn't the test of where they're from?
00:12:42This is just racism against the Belgians.
00:12:45Listen.
00:12:46Their decision is final.
00:12:47They decided it won the, what are we calling it?
00:12:49The umpar test?
00:12:50The umpar test.
00:12:51It won fair and square.
00:12:52Because it's Bavarian.
00:12:53It won.
00:12:59Thank you for nothing.
00:13:00Absolutely nothing.
00:13:01That is ridiculous.
00:13:02Your decision is final.
00:13:03Saying the BMW's the most spacious because it was made in Bavaria, that's like saying, who's the tallest Top Gear presenter?
00:13:21It's Richard Hammond because he's from Birmingham.
00:13:23No, it's not.
00:13:24He's the fastest driver of the three.
00:13:26It's James maybe because he's wearing his mum's curtains.
00:13:29No, it really is the most spacious car.
00:13:32That's a fact.
00:13:33And that's the judge's decision.
00:13:34Live with it.
00:13:35Stop bleating.
00:13:36Let us do the news.
00:13:38Yeah.
00:13:39Actually, I want to start on a serious note, if I may, with the news.
00:13:42Because, as we know, for many years we've been told that Wayne Rooney is the light and the path to righteousness.
00:13:49And we must emulate his lifestyle and indeed the lifestyle of his lovely wife, Colleen.
00:13:54Now, of course, we realize he is a lazy, talentless, jug-eared oaf.
00:13:59He is quite strong.
00:14:04Strong but true.
00:14:06I'm now hoping this means an end to the runification of Britain.
00:14:11Exhibit A, the Range Rover.
00:14:14Okay.
00:14:15Now, this was the old model.
00:14:16Note the plain, sensible front end.
00:14:18Just some headlights to see where you're going.
00:14:20It's noble.
00:14:21It's noble.
00:14:22Yeah.
00:14:23As dignified as a rolled umbrella.
00:14:24Now, look what they've done to it.
00:14:25Look at this.
00:14:26Honestly, this is the new one.
00:14:27What is it?
00:14:28How much bling can you get on the front?
00:14:31It's all these fiddly headlamps and all this business going on.
00:14:34I'm surprised it doesn't have studs in its ears here.
00:14:39They have literally ruined it.
00:14:41Now, listen, I am aware, of course, that there is a demand for a car that looks like this.
00:14:45Because I know there is such a place as Cheshire.
00:14:48And I don't mind if they make this Range Rover Rooney edition.
00:14:53I could just call it the Range Rooney.
00:14:55Yeah.
00:14:56Which is the...
00:14:57What's what it is?
00:14:58Yeah.
00:14:59The Wain Rover.
00:15:00The Wain Rover.
00:15:01The Wain Rover.
00:15:02These are good names.
00:15:03These are good names.
00:15:04But all I'm asking is, please, can everybody else, ordinarily decent people, have the old one back?
00:15:09Please?
00:15:10Actually, I have to say I agree with you.
00:15:12There needs to be a version of the new Range Rover that isn't for people who want to celebrate the life and work of a potato-faced shopping enthusiast.
00:15:20We want the old one back, we really do.
00:15:23We do.
00:15:24Oh, now, there aren't very many things that we all agree on, except this.
00:15:28We all think that the best small car that you can buy at the moment is the Citroen DS3.
00:15:33Yeah.
00:15:34Now, we're not joking about this.
00:15:35That is a genuinely brilliant little car.
00:15:37There's something about it.
00:15:38It's like a Mini that smokes gulwaz.
00:15:40It's just...
00:15:41It is.
00:15:42It's fantastic.
00:15:43The weird thing is, it's got exactly the same engine as the Mini, hasn't it?
00:15:45As the Mini Cooper.
00:15:46Yeah.
00:15:47But it just feels better for some reason.
00:15:48It does.
00:15:49It's great.
00:15:50Anyway, the reason I brought this up is because they're bringing out a new hot version of this.
00:15:52I've got a picture of it here.
00:15:53It's called the Racing.
00:15:54Okay?
00:15:55Yeah.
00:15:56200 horsepower.
00:15:57The only thing is, Citroen will not...
00:15:58They refuse to tell us how much it's going to cost.
00:16:01I'm just going to make it up.
00:16:0350 quid.
00:16:04There you go.
00:16:05It's 50 pounds.
00:16:06It's 50 pounds.
00:16:07That's fantastic.
00:16:08And the thing is, who in their life wouldn't want orange wheels?
00:16:10Seriously.
00:16:11Well, anyone with red hair, I imagine it will clash.
00:16:14Squirrels.
00:16:15Red squirrels.
00:16:16They're very terrible.
00:16:17Or the Duchess of York.
00:16:18Anne Robinson.
00:16:19Yes.
00:16:20The Pope.
00:16:21Well, the Pope.
00:16:22Silence.
00:16:23It's him.
00:16:24You two.
00:16:25They're only making a thousand of them because they're French and they're for idle communists.
00:16:29Fuck.
00:16:30That's because nobody wants orange wheels, obviously, if we don't know.
00:16:32Anyway, I can't wait to get a go in there.
00:16:34It just looks brilliant.
00:16:35It does.
00:16:36And I do like the wheels.
00:16:37Hey!
00:16:38Good news.
00:16:39Look, I have secured some top secret film taken inside the factory of the new Dacia Duster being
00:16:48made.
00:16:49Excellent.
00:16:50Excellent.
00:16:51Anyway.
00:16:52The end of...
00:16:53I'm sure you absolutely like it very much.
00:16:56The end of last week's programme, this appeared.
00:16:58This is called The End Board.
00:17:00This is what you see every single week at the end of every single programme except for
00:17:04Top Gear.
00:17:05Look.
00:17:06MMXX.
00:17:07That's 2020.
00:17:08This is the only programme coming from ten years in the future.
00:17:15Anyway, the point is, okay, there's a new car coming out.
00:17:17It's called the Knight XV.
00:17:18You've got a picture of it here.
00:17:19Okay.
00:17:20Now, XV...
00:17:21That's...
00:17:22That's...
00:17:23That's...
00:17:24That's 207.
00:17:25Roman numerals.
00:17:26Oh, so...
00:17:2793.
00:17:28Yes.
00:17:29No, it's 207.
00:17:30Definitely.
00:17:31Okay.
00:17:32£650,000.
00:17:33For that, you get internet connectivity, you get DVD, TB, a cigar humidor, and according
00:17:44to one report, it can resist gunfire for 24 hours.
00:17:4824?
00:17:49Do you know what?
00:17:51I think if I was shooting at someone, I'd get sort of bored after about four hours.
00:17:55I think the police would have arrived by four hours, personally.
00:17:58Well, yeah.
00:17:59But forgive me, it is a car.
00:18:00You'd kind of drive off.
00:18:01They would.
00:18:02After an hour, you'd get...
00:18:03Yeah, they're not going to change their mind.
00:18:04I'm going away.
00:18:05He is still shooting at me.
00:18:06Yeah.
00:18:07And the other thing as well is, it's made in Canada.
00:18:10Who in Canada could do...
00:18:12Are you Canadian?
00:18:13Yeah.
00:18:14Yeah.
00:18:15Whatever happens in Canada that would cause somebody to shoot at somebody else for 24
00:18:20hours?
00:18:21The other thing as well is, if you are shooting at it, it's not likely you're going to miss,
00:18:25because here's a picture of it next to a Hummer.
00:18:27Look at the size of it.
00:18:28It is massive.
00:18:29It's absolutely unbelievable.
00:18:31So that's Canada's answer to the motor industry there.
00:18:36Now, I don't know if any of you were watching last week, but I had several accidents
00:18:41in a Reliant Robin, which has generated a sizeable post bag.
00:18:45I've got some of the letters here.
00:18:47Lots of them.
00:18:48Let me just read you this one, okay?
00:18:49It says, dear Top Gear, the only reason why Mr. So-called Clarkson was killed is because
00:18:55he wasn't driving it properly.
00:18:57I bet if the Stig drove it, he'd be fine.
00:19:01Tell you what, let's find out.
00:19:03Now, I bet you he rolls that over.
00:19:06No, this is a Stig.
00:19:08The only thing that's ever defeated him was that Koenigsegg.
00:19:10Yeah, just, he will not be able to do a lap in that car without rolling over.
00:19:14I guarantee it.
00:19:15He'll use his special sticky powers.
00:19:17Here he is, coming up to the first corner now.
00:19:19Perfect.
00:19:20There you go.
00:19:21Absolutely fine.
00:19:22And so he's amazing.
00:19:23Oh, no, he hasn't.
00:19:24There you go.
00:19:31Told you.
00:19:32I told you.
00:19:33Well, there are more letters.
00:19:34This is one that caught my eye.
00:19:35Dear Top so-called gear, why didn't you use and I set a bubble car instead?
00:19:40And do you know what?
00:19:41It's a good point.
00:19:42Why didn't you?
00:19:43Because if you think about it, I've got one here.
00:19:44One wheel at the back, two at the front.
00:19:45It's a more stable three-wheeler configuration.
00:19:47Yeah, but this has another problem.
00:19:50What problem?
00:19:51Well, why don't you fire it up, mate.
00:19:53The 300cc engine bursting into life.
00:19:56Now, if you could drive into our imaginary garage over here, that would be lovely.
00:20:00Oh, look.
00:20:01It hasn't fallen over.
00:20:02Still hasn't fallen over.
00:20:03It's much better already.
00:20:05Just wait a minute, Hammond.
00:20:06Here we go.
00:20:07Okay, all the way into the garage, please, mate.
00:20:09All the way in.
00:20:10You've got a foot to go.
00:20:11Six inches.
00:20:12There you go.
00:20:13Marvellous.
00:20:14What's wrong with that?
00:20:15It hasn't fallen over.
00:20:16It's much better.
00:20:17Okay, now, if you'd like to get out.
00:20:19Oh, yeah.
00:20:20I see your point.
00:20:21The door's at the front.
00:20:22You'll have to back it up, mate.
00:20:23Yeah, go on, reverse.
00:20:24Okay, where is reverse?
00:20:25Hasn't got one.
00:20:26Really?
00:20:27Well, so, how does he get out?
00:20:28Well, this is the thing.
00:20:29Honestly, if you think about this.
00:20:30No, listen, James, stop fingering the studio.
00:20:32The thing is, okay, that if you had one of these cars, you got home like this, you got stuck
00:20:45in your garage, there were two problems.
00:20:47You couldn't call inside your house for your wife and girlfriend to come and rescue you because
00:20:54it was the 1950s and the mobile telephone hadn't been invented.
00:20:58And, of course, if you had a car like this, you wouldn't have a wife or a girlfriend.
00:21:02It's very funny.
00:21:03Can you push me out now, please?
00:21:04What?
00:21:05Can we?
00:21:06Could you give me a push?
00:21:07We push you out.
00:21:08Push you out.
00:21:09Can we?
00:21:10So, what's the question?
00:21:11We could only push him out or...
00:21:12Not do that.
00:21:13Not do that.
00:21:14Can we push him out?
00:21:15I think no.
00:21:16I'm coming down in favour of no.
00:21:17No, sorry, James.
00:21:18It's a unanimous no.
00:21:19See you, mate.
00:21:20Sorry.
00:21:21Right.
00:21:22Well, let's move it on to this.
00:21:23Well, to that, actually, over there.
00:21:24That is a Porsche 911.
00:21:25And, one way or another, that has been with us for about a thousand years.
00:21:27Now, though, they've brought out a sort of greatest hits version.
00:21:43Here it is.
00:21:48Porsche call it the Sport Classic.
00:21:51But I prefer to think of it as, now that's what I call the best of the 911 Volume 1.
00:21:59This ducktail spoiler was originally a hit for the 1973 Carrera 2.7 RS.
00:22:06The black headlamp surrounds were first recorded by the 1974 Turbo RSR.
00:22:13The Fuchs alloys are a cover version of the ones first seen on the 1966 911 S.
00:22:20And the wide-body rear arches are from today's Carrera 4.
00:22:25Anyway, that's enough band analogies.
00:22:31Let's see if this thing is as good as it was before Peter Gabriel left Genesis.
00:22:36Starting, if we must, with how fast it will go.
00:22:39You get 22 more horsepower than you do in a standard Carrera S.
00:22:49And that means 0-60 in 4.6 seconds.
00:22:52The top speed, 188.
00:22:55And I suppose that means I've got to go and do it.
00:23:10So, it's very fast, very good looking, and surprisingly soft and comfortable.
00:23:28But there is a problem.
00:23:30It's £140,000, twice what a normal Carrera S costs.
00:23:37And they've only made 250 of them.
00:23:39And you can't buy one because they've all been sold.
00:23:46So, let's move on to a Porsche you can buy.
00:23:49The new Boxster Spider.
00:23:54Porsche say this hearts back to the lightweight models James Dean was driving in the 50s.
00:24:01But frankly, that's a bit of marketing cobbler's.
00:24:04He was a rebel without an airbag.
00:24:09This does have an airbag.
00:24:11But that's about it.
00:24:14It's 80 kilograms lighter than the standard Boxster,
00:24:17thanks to aluminium doors, aluminium engine cover,
00:24:21super light wheels and carbon fibre seats.
00:24:30There's more.
00:24:31Or rather less.
00:24:32There is no standard aircon.
00:24:34The door handles have been replaced by these little bits of rag.
00:24:37And they've even ditched the piece of plastic that goes on top of the instruments.
00:24:42What Porsche do is they leave a lot of things that you should get on a Boxster
00:24:46on a shelf in the factory and then they charge you more for not giving them to you.
00:24:53This car costs £46,000.
00:24:56That's £5,000 more than the standard car.
00:24:59And you get less in return.
00:25:01Or do you?
00:25:03The 3.4 litre flat six now has 320 horsepower.
00:25:09Ten more than the standard Boxsters.
00:25:14And because it's lighter, 0-60 is done in just five seconds.
00:25:18Top speed?
00:25:19166.
00:25:20I've owned a standard Boxster S for the last four years and I can promise you, this is better.
00:25:37It's readier.
00:25:38It's more eager.
00:25:39It's bloody excellent.
00:25:40But all this stripped back spider stuff does have its drawbacks.
00:25:44What if you're driving along with the roof down and suddenly it starts to rain?
00:25:50Exactly.
00:25:51What a remarkable coincidence.
00:25:53Oh no!
00:25:54I need to erect the top tent.
00:25:55What you do is you open the boot, then you take out this bit which is called the sun shield.
00:26:02starts to rain exactly what a remarkable coincidence oh no I need to erect the top
00:26:09tent what you do is you open the boot then you take out this bit which is
00:26:17called the Sun shield then you get in the car you attack it at the front first
00:26:22like that and then you get that bit behind you hang on then at the other end of the same wire
00:26:40goes on this special clamp and then these two bits clip onto there oh it was a nightmare but I got
00:26:50it finished just as the rain stopped top speed has now reduced from 166 to 126 because any faster
00:27:02than that and the scout tent blows off but frankly I couldn't care less because the way this car feels
00:27:09is so much more important than the top speed this is a really happy car it's full of vibrant energy
00:27:17and enthusiasm it's a bit like one of those really stupid dogs I bet if you throw a ball it you chase
00:27:21after it and it's having a bit of an effect on me because to be honest I've started behaving a bit
00:27:27like the other two idiots the really amazing thing is in a car as live and nimble as this I can
00:27:38I've said before that some cars give me a strange fizzing sensation inside and this one really does I'm
00:27:48facing massively here I'm fizzing fit to burst that's actually a spin but never mind never mind indeed
00:28:02what Porsche has done is take one of the most practical everyday sports cars you can buy and
00:28:08turned it into a simple indulgence and by making it simple they've made it simply brilliant
00:28:16it is a shame James isn't here because I didn't agree with everything he said then yeah it's a shame
00:28:34he's not had to stand up but never mind we'll carry on yeah start with this the sport classic which I
00:28:41mean it is a fabulous looking thing it's a fabulous car actually but the price what happened here I think
00:28:46is they started off with a price and then tried to justify it no I'm sorry it is a pretty thing
00:28:51that but this is worse yeah this really is worse an umbrella no door handles honestly so I guess
00:28:59really there's no point putting that around the track because you can't buy it we'll just put this
00:29:03stupid thing around I'll have to do the commentary obviously right well it's driven by our tame racing
00:29:12driver some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little
00:29:20Chef and that his favorite airline pilot is Mark Webber too actually all we know of course it's the
00:29:30monster both ends look exactly the same off now very slowly to the first corner just sort of driving
00:29:44through it really in a not very interesting way nothing interesting at all to report there
00:29:51that this is made possible because Porsche has very kindly reinstalled the stereo they normally charge
00:30:04you 5,000 pounds to remove a plodding through Hammerhead now in the manner of a car that only a complete
00:30:11idiot would like little known fact this is also the noise stig makes when he wants to attract a mate
00:30:23follow through passing tires wish I'd brought a magazine to read while waiting for this stupid
00:30:31thing to haul its way round it's not very interesting there sort of slidey there and across the thing
00:30:37and it did it in one minute 24.9 which actually isn't bad at all that puts it right up there no I'm not
00:30:56interested in that at all so let's put a star in our brand new reasonably priced car now my guest
00:31:03tonight began his working career writing pornographical stories for a gentleman's magazine he then went
00:31:10on to be communications director for Tony Blair and Gordon Brown so really he spent most of his
00:31:16adult life working with penises ladies and gentlemen Aysa Campbell
00:31:24well you've come into the den of lions here really yeah they're all right you don't know yet it is tricky I
00:31:45have to be honest thinking about how this interview might go me you yeah left right not necessarily right
00:31:53wrong thing is I don't believe what I write any more than you believe what you say so
00:32:00obviously we're sitting here and we've got to do this interview and it's at some point we have to
00:32:06get to the lap which is all cheery so I've prepared some questions that I hope aren't too contentious
00:32:12okay I thought you would lots of work going into these go on what is your favorite color
00:32:19I've got two claret and blue blue I wasn't expecting a football club now Burnley I'm fascinated by your
00:32:32love of football because you're a Yorkshireman but you support Burnley yep isn't that a bit a bit like
00:32:40I don't know going to an oxbridge college and then joining the Labour Party
00:32:43lots did and lots have but Burnley back then were one of the biggest and best teams in the country and
00:32:56they were 20 miles away from where I lived what star sign are you Gemini
00:32:59so I don't know anything about Gemini except my wife's one do you want to marry me
00:33:06no no I'm going to get political now go on here we go so you started out writing porn I mean that
00:33:17was forum magazine was that right yeah and then you became Blair's you would communications director
00:33:22was that there was a gap there was a gap but eventually so you ended up well you did something
00:33:27noble and then ended up sort of prostituting yourself which I think it's a weird way around
00:33:32I want to move on if I may to Gordon Brown who lost the general election and has now disappeared
00:33:37two-part question and a serious one two-part question you were obviously in charge of the
00:33:43image and the whole how the election was presented to the people two parts who was it that told him
00:33:50that he had to smile and then why did no one tell him to stop well I wasn't in charge I would have
00:33:58been in charge if we won but we didn't win so I wasn't in charge at all I don't think you can tell
00:34:03anybody to smile but I think he was possibly his misfortune that he was he followed a prime
00:34:11minister who does smile a lot very very naturally not like that he's got nice teeth in you Jeremy he
00:34:17looks after them yes I know because he probably used tax but what did they go on expenses his team
00:34:22no no they didn't
00:34:24I bet they did
00:34:25don't applaud
00:34:26don't applaud that
00:34:28no if I may
00:34:30if I may okay I have some footage here
00:34:34let's go just want to see Gordon Brown here okay so here he is and ready steady
00:34:38but look he lightened up the room didn't he that was nice
00:34:44was it done with electricity or
00:34:46no the thing is you did tweet I believe earlier this week saying how do I handle clerks and any
00:34:55suggestions I got a lot really yeah murder kill there were some of those uh kick him in the nuts
00:35:01yeah
00:35:02ask him how he voted
00:35:05do you know there's a none of your business okay fair enough as an employee I'm going to make a guess
00:35:12go on then Tory
00:35:13that would mean voting for my next door neighbour
00:35:16anyway he didn't win
00:35:17no I mean what Cameron no he did win
00:35:18well he didn't really
00:35:20well he's the prime minister
00:35:22he's the prime minister
00:35:22well you need to win
00:35:23but he needs a little Clego doesn't he
00:35:25oh he needs the T-boy I agree
00:35:26anyway yeah anyway when do we see the lap
00:35:34no not yet not yet because I want to talk about your books
00:35:38do you yeah okay you say that you get inspiration for writing them
00:35:42when you um are driving along is that a distraction for your driver or
00:35:47no honestly okay your new book
00:35:53okay prelude to power which is your diaries pretty much in in detail
00:35:58now that only that's how many pages 744 pages and it only gets us up to 1997
00:36:04so the actual prelude to power that's five times longer than war and peace
00:36:10but I write a diary every day
00:36:11you do you really do right yeah every single day
00:36:14you'll be in there tonight the chat we had outside about the director general that will be in there
00:36:18oh bloody hell it warms up
00:36:20um I'll do a diary
00:36:21but when I said that he was a very well endowed man
00:36:24yeah yeah yeah
00:36:24now one of the things there's a lot about obviously clause 4 and all of the things that were being changed
00:36:30prior to um his Tony Ness's um appointment
00:36:34um I couldn't find a single reference to the most important thing that happened when he became prime minister
00:36:41which was the m4 bus lane
00:36:43was that just a whim then was it not planned
00:36:47no well the thing is Jeremy as you rightly say it goes up to 1997
00:36:52volume 2 is subtitled the m4 bus lane
00:36:58in full
00:37:00because I was terrified that it had just been John Prescott had walked in one day and gone
00:37:04hey I tell you what let's paint outside lane that motorway red
00:37:07right I'm making it a bus lane
00:37:08aye
00:37:09and that's not what happened
00:37:10no there was a thought that it might alleviate some of the congestion
00:37:15and um according to the statistical analysis thereafter
00:37:19it kind of worked
00:37:20but you can't accept that because you want to cover the whole country in concrete and drive around in big cars
00:37:25yeah
00:37:26yeah
00:37:26now the other thing as well is what did you think of the new our new reasonably priced car
00:37:32because you're the first person to ever drive it in this proper situation
00:37:35I quite liked it once I got into really kind of leathering it
00:37:40um it didn't have a lot of oomph
00:37:42I think the Stig was really patient
00:37:44he really was
00:37:45top man
00:37:46really
00:37:46yeah
00:37:47I was kind of half hoping it'd be a woman
00:37:49no
00:37:50some say he's fanatically right wing
00:37:53no
00:37:55he told me he's not
00:37:56really
00:37:56he says you are
00:37:57see you're just believing what it says in the papers again
00:38:02no I know you're a reasonable fair-minded chap
00:38:06no
00:38:07anyway
00:38:10who wants to see the lap
00:38:12I do
00:38:13you do
00:38:14let's play the tape
00:38:15let's have a look
00:38:16here we are
00:38:19well that wasn't good was it
00:38:20not bad
00:38:20was it alright
00:38:21right come on
00:38:23concentrate
00:38:24remember everything he said
00:38:27let's have a look through the first corner
00:38:30obviously I've never seen this car
00:38:32well I've never seen it at all go around the track
00:38:34Nick Clay should do this
00:38:36because I've got an awful lot to do
00:38:38now you've got to stay right here
00:38:40oh no you veered left
00:38:42there's a surprise
00:38:42on your way down to the hammerhead
00:38:46it understeers more than the old Chevrolet I think this car
00:38:49this doesn't look like it's going as fast as I thought it would
00:38:51no it always says that but you keep veering
00:38:53you are veering to the left
00:38:55oh god yeah
00:38:56no no but now here we go
00:38:57now this is flat out
00:38:58were you flat out from here or not?
00:38:59I felt flat out yeah
00:39:00f***ing air change
00:39:01are you competitive?
00:39:03very
00:39:03nail it
00:39:04I just want to beat Nick Robinson to be honest
00:39:06that looks flat
00:39:08yes that's nice
00:39:10that was nicely done through there
00:39:11cut the corner very well
00:39:12no I'm real trouble down here
00:39:13I kept going into fifth
00:39:15that's back
00:39:16no not quite fast enough
00:39:17you were in fifth
00:39:18at one point yeah
00:39:19wrong
00:39:19there we are
00:39:21and
00:39:21boing
00:39:22across the line
00:39:23so
00:39:30so
00:39:35where do you think you've come there
00:39:38I'm quite keen to beat Nick Robinson
00:39:40there's a surprise
00:39:42the BBC political editor
00:39:43you did it
00:39:45Alistair Campbell
00:39:46in one minute
00:39:48it's good
00:39:4940
00:39:52so bearing in mind
00:39:54he was 49.9
00:39:56you'd have a job squeaking
00:39:56an algorithm
00:39:57yeah I'm doing well
00:39:5740
00:39:597
00:40:01dead
00:40:02oh
00:40:03so that puts you
00:40:04as our second
00:40:05first
00:40:06that is a
00:40:07bad artist
00:40:09okay
00:40:09well done
00:40:10now that's very good
00:40:11so I'll beat Al Murray
00:40:16you're faster than Al Murray
00:40:18and the pastry girl
00:40:19Peter 23 from Essex
00:40:20and Nick Robinson
00:40:21so next time you interview
00:40:22you can just stand there
00:40:24going
00:40:24I'm faster than you
00:40:25I'm faster than you
00:40:26I'm faster than you
00:40:27I think you're a huge sport
00:40:28for coming down here
00:40:29very best of luck
00:40:30with your book
00:40:30I enjoyed it
00:40:30ladies and gentlemen
00:40:31Alistair Campbell
00:40:32thank you
00:40:32marvellous
00:40:41earlier on
00:40:47we proved that this BMW M3
00:40:49is better in pretty much
00:40:51every way than
00:40:51this Mercedes
00:40:52and this Ford
00:40:54because of racism
00:40:55yeah whatever
00:40:56thing is now it's time for us
00:40:57to go back to Germany
00:40:58so the BMW can win
00:40:59all the other tests
00:41:00as well
00:41:01we begin with
00:41:02Jeremy
00:41:03predictably
00:41:04moaning
00:41:05so this part of the world
00:41:08was ruined first of all
00:41:09by Hitler
00:41:10then Stalin
00:41:12and now Jonathan Porridge
00:41:13with his windmills
00:41:14I like them
00:41:15they're noisy
00:41:16they're pointless
00:41:17oh I like them
00:41:20right
00:41:20your cars will now be tested
00:41:23for faults
00:41:24by ADAC
00:41:26Germany's equivalent
00:41:27of the AA
00:41:28we test them now
00:41:30after we've maxed them
00:41:31on the autobahn
00:41:32brilliant
00:41:32well I heard
00:41:33apparently one of
00:41:35ADAC's mobile patrols
00:41:37will arrive shortly
00:41:39so we're looking for a van
00:41:41yeah it'll be a van
00:41:43of some sort
00:41:43it was a van
00:41:45but this being Germany
00:41:48it's got a reception look
00:42:07the ADAC men took charge
00:42:11of James's Merc
00:42:12good and I'll close
00:42:13hi
00:42:14vorworts
00:42:15what's wrong with the car
00:42:21his racing gearbox is going well
00:42:24the equipment they had in the van
00:42:26was extraordinary
00:42:28and the tests were very thorough
00:42:30they used a computer
00:42:31to measure the boiling point
00:42:33of the Merc's brake fluid
00:42:34and a gizmo to check
00:42:36the roundness
00:42:36of its tyres
00:42:38there's a laser
00:42:39and everything
00:42:40it was doing quite well
00:42:42but then
00:42:43oh dear
00:42:46shaker
00:42:48what a load of rubbish
00:42:50after this
00:42:54things got worse
00:42:55I did 140 miles an hour
00:43:01you did 140 miles an hour
00:43:03and your wheels
00:43:03is nicht gut
00:43:05it's all very bad
00:43:06it's a lot of rust
00:43:08I felt it was time
00:43:09I put these German chappies
00:43:11straight on a few things
00:43:12Martin Brundle
00:43:14war sehr gut
00:43:15menuring über die Auto
00:43:16what was that you just said
00:43:17about Martin Brundle
00:43:18I was just saying really
00:43:19how Martin Brundle
00:43:20said that this was
00:43:21really the finest
00:43:22rear drive chassis
00:43:23he'd ever driven
00:43:24he'd never said any
00:43:26he did
00:43:27he had one
00:43:28he did not say
00:43:29he promised
00:43:30luckily for you
00:43:32May
00:43:32I have Martin Brundle's
00:43:34number on my telephone
00:43:35well he will confirm
00:43:36that he said that
00:43:37and that he had one
00:43:38this he claimed
00:43:40was the best
00:43:40he famously said that
00:43:42hello
00:43:42Martin
00:43:43actually I'll talk
00:43:44get off
00:43:44Martin says
00:43:45no let me talk
00:43:45Martin
00:43:48morning it's James
00:43:49from Topgate
00:43:49hi how are you
00:43:50yeah good
00:43:52are you somewhere exciting
00:43:52well I'm underneath
00:43:54a Mercedes 190
00:43:55Cosworth actually
00:43:56and the other two
00:43:57won't believe me
00:43:58when I say that
00:43:59you said quite
00:44:00categorically that
00:44:01this was the finest
00:44:02rear drive chassis
00:44:03of any car in the world
00:44:04and the best you'd
00:44:04ever driven
00:44:05when did I say that
00:44:07I've had a few knocks
00:44:08on the head
00:44:08but I don't remember
00:44:09saying that
00:44:10I mean it's not a bad
00:44:12engine but
00:44:13no I mean it's really
00:44:14not that good
00:44:15you need the M3
00:44:16for the best chassis
00:44:17from around
00:44:18that time I thought
00:44:19yeah that was always
00:44:21my belief
00:44:22that people believed
00:44:23the M3 was better
00:44:24and it sort of got
00:44:25this folkloric reputation
00:44:26but everybody who knew
00:44:27what they were talking
00:44:28about i.e. you
00:44:29Ayrton Senna
00:44:29knew that actually
00:44:30the Mercedes
00:44:31was the superior car
00:44:32I don't remember
00:44:33Ayrton getting out
00:44:33and saying
00:44:34that is the best
00:44:35rear drive chassis
00:44:36I've ever been in
00:44:36I think he got out
00:44:37and said
00:44:38I'm really pleased
00:44:39to thrash
00:44:40Lowder and Prost
00:44:41and all those guys
00:44:42it's overheating
00:44:43Mickey Lowder
00:44:44and Alan Prost
00:44:44as well
00:44:45that's absolutely
00:44:45I mean I didn't know that
00:44:46you don't need to speak
00:44:48I do need to speak to him
00:44:49Martin
00:44:50you've turned it off
00:44:52he's catching an aeroplane
00:44:53to his second home
00:44:54what did he say
00:44:56he confirmed
00:44:57everything I said
00:44:58about him
00:45:00he also says
00:45:01the engine is excellent
00:45:02and that the M3
00:45:03was a mere shadow
00:45:04of what this car was
00:45:05did he
00:45:06that's what he said
00:45:07that's exactly
00:45:08what he said
00:45:09right lower the car
00:45:11next it was the turn
00:45:14of Mike Osworth
00:45:15my auto
00:45:18is the only
00:45:19with
00:45:21blase
00:45:21eye bite
00:45:22my auto
00:45:28is
00:45:28design
00:45:29of
00:45:29a German
00:45:30good
00:45:33he's making it plain
00:45:35I don't want him to mark it down
00:45:36because it's Belgian
00:45:37as it happens
00:45:38the ADAT man
00:45:39was impressed
00:45:40with my car
00:45:41good
00:45:42all good
00:45:44all good
00:45:45but it would now
00:45:50be humiliated
00:45:51by the much
00:45:52younger M3
00:45:53I hate to say this
00:45:55because it's
00:45:55verging on complimenting you
00:45:57but your car is now
00:45:58actually quite cool
00:45:59and collectible
00:46:00whereas that is just
00:46:01something driven by
00:46:02imbeciles
00:46:03the best car
00:46:11very good
00:46:12yeah
00:46:12yeah
00:46:12yes
00:46:13yes
00:46:13it is
00:46:16as it turned out
00:46:18it wasn't
00:46:19oh
00:46:20cracky look at that
00:46:21that's the anti-roll bar
00:46:22that's why you've got a different shock absorber
00:46:32it's been botched together
00:46:35it has clearly had a crash hasn't it
00:46:37soon it was time to get our scores
00:46:40the results
00:46:41and that's your Ford
00:46:43the Ford
00:46:43and the BMW
00:46:45thank you
00:46:46what would be a good score on this
00:46:48a new car would score
00:46:49a good car
00:46:50150 points
00:46:51I will go first with my score
00:46:53are we ready
00:46:5358
00:46:5558 that's good
00:46:5619
00:46:5819
00:46:59that's not so good
00:47:01no
00:47:01Hammond
00:47:036
00:47:04he's not serious
00:47:076
00:47:086
00:47:09yes
00:47:096
00:47:10alright
00:47:11what
00:47:12the Ford
00:47:15how have I only got 6
00:47:18it's a break
00:47:19it's very bad
00:47:20yeah
00:47:2058
00:47:21that's a pass
00:47:236
00:47:23I mean you may as well have got 0
00:47:24would you say
00:47:26the BMW
00:47:27is dangerous
00:47:28yes
00:47:29this had a dramatic effect
00:47:33on the way Hammond drove
00:47:356
00:47:39I don't know how it could score less
00:47:42it would have to have like wheels missing
00:47:45or a tiger in it
00:47:47tonight on First Gear
00:47:52Richard Hammond drives across Germany
00:47:54in a death trap
00:47:56Hammond's mood wasn't improved
00:48:00when he found out
00:48:01where we'd be staying the night
00:48:03you've got to be kidding
00:48:09yep
00:48:12cold it
00:48:13is now a hotel
00:48:15the next morning James and Richard checked out in the traditional fashion
00:48:36where have you two been?
00:48:57well how did you get out?
00:48:59I just used my credit card at the reception desk
00:49:01I don't know why they all didn't do that
00:49:02it would have made for a very good television series
00:49:04wouldn't it?
00:49:04well he wouldn't have kept it up for 28 episodes
00:49:06next week Major Pat Reid denies having watched the movie that appeared on his bill
00:49:10to Richard's consternation it was then time for our track day
00:49:16and the producers insisted we stuck to track day etiquette by wearing clothing from the catalogues
00:49:22of the companies that made our cars
00:49:25holy moly
00:49:30that's not a good look
00:49:33says a lot about people who drive Mercedes Benzes
00:49:35it does
00:49:36and you know
00:49:37as of Monday morning
00:49:38I don't
00:49:38anymore
00:49:39there's a fire around here
00:49:41imagine
00:49:41you're melting
00:49:42ah
00:49:43ah
00:49:43now
00:49:44the most important challenge
00:49:46which of you has the fastest track day car?
00:49:50to make sure this test is fair
00:49:52each of your cars will be driven by the same driver
00:49:56yes
00:49:56I don't have to go out there in one death trap
00:49:58because I'm
00:49:59oh yes you do
00:50:00you will be in the passenger seat
00:50:02while the car is driven by a tame racing driver
00:50:05what?
00:50:06the Stig?
00:50:06no
00:50:07he's not the Stig
00:50:08he's the Stig's German cousin
00:50:11looks like the Stig to me
00:50:19still the Stig
00:50:20still the Stig
00:50:21it is the Stig
00:50:22no hang on
00:50:23oh my giddy on
00:50:25mullet
00:50:25I think it might be Stiggy Ray Cyrus
00:50:27first up for her Stig was the Mercedes
00:50:32hey
00:50:35that doesn't sound good
00:50:43you've got to remember that in the ADAC test
00:50:48they revealed that the steering was a bit loose
00:50:51there's a lot of play in the rack
00:50:52so just don't overdo it
00:50:53okay
00:50:54bloody hell
00:50:56to compensate for the Merc's lack of power
00:51:02Schermann Stig was on maximum attack
00:51:05so this is bigger than the Nürburgring right this track?
00:51:13must be because of the amount of time it's taken to get around
00:51:16five miles
00:51:16maybe 40
00:51:17you can feel the multi-length Martin Brundle approved
00:51:23rear suspension hunkering down
00:51:25get a grip man
00:51:28it's two minutes 19.3 and we've no idea what that means
00:51:39but we'd soon find out
00:51:43because it was time to lap the Ford
00:51:45and the muscles from Brussels is underway
00:51:51for Jean-Claude Van Dammenator
00:51:54that rear suspension is collapsed
00:51:56this is pure track day magic
00:52:031250 kilograms
00:52:06that's all it weighs
00:52:07the same as a Mini
00:52:08but it has 200 horsepower
00:52:11so this German Stig fan
00:52:14wouldn't it take well to Jeremy
00:52:15sort of shouting at him and stuff do you think?
00:52:17he didn't take any notice of me
00:52:18when I told him which gear to change into
00:52:20who would?
00:52:23this remember is the car which has won
00:52:25the British Touring Car Championship
00:52:28the World Touring Car Championship
00:52:30the British Rally Championship
00:52:32oh ho ho
00:52:34the Stig is a maniac
00:52:36here he comes
00:52:39oh this is going to be close
00:52:4712, 13, 14
00:52:50come on let's have it
00:52:55two, 14
00:52:57oh ho ho ho ho
00:52:59five seconds faster
00:53:01all that remained was to lap Hammond's crash damage death trap
00:53:05there are quite a lot of right hand turns aren't there in that first bit
00:53:09yeah you're really putting a lot of stress on the front left suspension
00:53:13exactly
00:53:13if your car had had let's say an accident and had been mended cheaply on the front left corner
00:53:19stop talking
00:53:20now here's Stig
00:53:24there's one important thing I have to tell you about this car before we set off
00:53:28no I didn't mean set off
00:53:30I haven't told you the thing
00:53:32it's not about the thing
00:53:34are you cold?
00:53:36no
00:53:37tell me we're not going right
00:53:40we're going right
00:53:41it's not what I'm expecting to see
00:53:49just the front wheel coming across the line in about two minutes time
00:53:54I'm just waiting to hear the unmistakable sound of metal snapping
00:54:10of arterial blood
00:54:15120 miles an hour in a car that only scored six
00:54:22and
00:54:29so
00:54:35here we go
00:54:36yes
00:54:37what?
00:54:38well come on then what was the time for the end what was the lap time?
00:54:41I've forgotten
00:54:42tell me what time what was it?
00:54:44come on
00:54:45seriously
00:54:46what did it do it in your own
00:54:472.06
00:54:48yes!
00:54:49thank you very much I win that
00:54:50Yeah, you get one point for every second underneath three minutes, so 2.06, 54 points for you there.
00:54:57Why is that 3.14?
00:55:00What?
00:55:00Well, I did the lap in two minutes, 14.
00:55:02Ah, no, but you see, the producer disagrees.
00:55:05Why?
00:55:05Well, it was that new producer we got, the one from Uruguay.
00:55:11Sorry, mate, no, he's right.
00:55:13He didn't see one of those minutes, so you can't have it.
00:55:15But it was on television.
00:55:17That's inadmissible.
00:55:18Yeah, it doesn't count.
00:55:18This is ridiculous.
00:55:20Bad luck, moving on.
00:55:21So that means my BMW was the fastest on the Autobahn, it was the most spacious in that test, and then it put in the fastest lap.
00:55:29Well, I will now garner back some points, because it's the YouTube section.
00:55:34As we know, people who go to track days, they put a camera on the dashboard, they record their lap, they put that lap on the, on YouTube, and we were told to do the same thing, okay?
00:55:45And then there would be one point for every hit we got.
00:55:48James, I believe now we have a clip from your Mercedes lap.
00:55:53Let's have a look at that now.
00:55:54How can you get lost on a racetrack, mate?
00:56:07Oh, cop.
00:56:08As you can see, there are bollards on the circuit, which is not what I was expecting, and must mean I've gone the wrong way.
00:56:16How can you get lost on a racetrack, mate?
00:56:20I don't, I don't, I don't, it's one way.
00:56:23I know, I don't understand it, I'm sorry.
00:56:25All right, so let's have a look then at a clip from Jeremy's video, shall we?
00:56:28I'm coming up now to the end of the net.
00:56:31I'm doing 195 miles an hour, 200, 210 miles an hour an hour, 220, and across the line.
00:56:41What?
00:56:42You just lied and then sped up the film?
00:56:45A bit.
00:56:46Well, a lot.
00:56:46A bit.
00:56:47Well, let's have a look at your lap then, in the death trap.
00:56:49All right.
00:56:50Okay, here we go.
00:56:51You didn't take it out.
00:56:59No, I did the camera broke, I did it properly, and I did very well.
00:57:02Stop doing that.
00:57:04That's very worried chicken.
00:57:06No, I wasn't.
00:57:06I did do a lap, the camera broke, it just recorded sound.
00:57:08Okay, we've had those clips up now for, what, a week?
00:57:11Yeah.
00:57:11How many hits did you get?
00:57:13I got 71.
00:57:1471 people.
00:57:23Why would 71 people?
00:57:26Why do people feel compelled to put those things on?
00:57:2871 points for you.
00:57:29Okay.
00:57:30I got 137.
00:57:33Wow.
00:57:34Yeah.
00:57:34Yeah.
00:57:35Right.
00:57:37Oh.
00:57:39Hammond.
00:57:41Seven.
00:57:43Seven.
00:57:44Seven, yeah.
00:57:45Seven, that was pathetic.
00:57:47Thinking back, I should have misspelled M3 in the tagline bit on the internet.
00:57:51What, 3M?
00:57:51No, if I'd spelled it, Angelina Jolie topless, I'd have got more hits than both of you put
00:57:56together, but I didn't.
00:57:58Anyway, anyway, we then did an economy run from Germany into Poland.
00:58:02Sadly, there isn't time tonight to show you that.
00:58:04The upshot was, though, James ran out of petrol.
00:58:08Therefore, you get minus 141.
00:58:14Hang on.
00:58:15What?
00:58:17I've got minus exactly what I already had.
00:58:19Yes.
00:58:20Yeah.
00:58:20That's the rules.
00:58:21It happened to him once, actually.
00:58:23It did.
00:58:23That is the rules.
00:58:24You're minus 141, so you're currently on nought.
00:58:28I get 10 for that because I won in the Ford thanks to its two-litre engine, and you get
00:58:34five for coming second.
00:58:37Yeah.
00:58:37Which means we have just one final challenge, something to do with price.
00:58:42I have it here.
00:58:43So this is like a two-horse race now, isn't it?
00:58:44It's either you or me who's going to win this.
00:58:46Oh, it's absolutely.
00:58:47He is completely out.
00:58:49He's on nought.
00:58:50Okay.
00:58:50So here we go.
00:58:51You get one point for every pound your car was under the £5,000 budget.
00:58:58So, hang on.
00:58:58Mine cost £3,990, so I get 1,010 points there.
00:59:03Look at that.
00:59:05That's, I like that.
00:59:06Go on then, how much did yours cost?
00:59:08£4,999.
00:59:10So here you go, 1 point, which means clearly I win that.
00:59:14Thank you very much indeed.
00:59:15Well, I may as well have just bought a toy car.
00:59:17If it was good to get the price, I would have got £5,000 and then I would have won.
00:59:21Those are the rules, and I win.
00:59:22I'm delighted.
00:59:24That is rightly so.
00:59:25No.
00:59:27Well, I'm sorry.
00:59:28Not a small distance.
00:59:29I'm sorry if I may just take that from you and ask you to stand to one side because my
00:59:35car was £2,990, meaning I have 2,010 points straight away there, which I think you will find makes
00:59:45me, the winner.
00:59:51That's just silly.
00:59:54That's just ridiculous.
00:59:55Are we honestly going to say on the world's biggest motoring show to 350 million people
01:00:07that the best track day car is a slow, rusty, wobbly-wheeled, small, uneconomical piece of junk?
01:00:16Yes.
01:00:17And on that bombshell, it's time to say goodnight.
01:00:20Goodbye.
01:00:20Goodbye.
01:00:30Still to come this evening here on BBC HD.
01:00:32Stay with us for drama next with the 39 Steps.
01:00:35And then at 10.30, we're back in South London for all the highlights from the last day of
01:00:39Play at Wimbledon 2010.
01:00:41Play at Wimbledon 2010.
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