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00:34You said you'd go.
00:35I didn't say I would. I said I might. I've got to do the accounts tonight.
00:38You don't have to do the accounts tonight.
00:40I do.
00:41Always the same. Whenever I want to go out, you've always got some excuse.
00:44It's not an excuse. It's just that tonight...
00:46It's not just tonight. It's any night I want to go out with any of my friends, anyone at all,
00:50any other members of the human race.
00:52Yes, rather than go to the sheriff, there's members of the human race.
00:55I've cooped up in this hotel all day long. You never take me out.
00:58The only bit of life I get is when I get away with some of my friends.
01:01Well, you must get away more often, dear.
01:04They all think you're peculiar. You know that, don't you?
01:07They've all said at one time or another how on earth did the two of us ever get together.
01:12Black magic, my mother says.
01:15Well, she'd know, wouldn't she?
01:17Her and that cat.
01:30Shall I get you the wine list?
01:32Mr. Fortuny, Mr... Oh, please, call me waiter.
01:35Look, I'll go and get a chair and then you can really tuck in.
01:38There's some stuff in the bin you might like.
01:39You know, potato peedings, cold rice pudding, that sort of thing.
01:41Not exactly haute cuisine, but it'll certainly help to fill you up.
01:44Ah, so may I introduce the gentleman who's just opened the self-service department here, Mr...
01:49Carnegie.
01:50Mr. Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from, uh...
01:52The public health department.
01:54Yes, but where were you born, scavenger or down here in the West Country?
01:58Public health department?
02:00Oh, here's the invoice for the meat, Mr. Carnegie.
02:03It's the six-monthly check-up.
02:04Oh, yes, the meat was delivered on Wednesday.
02:06Yes, that would appear to be, uh, satisfactory.
02:09Oh, good.
02:10I hope you didn't mind my little joke just there.
02:12Thank God we English can laugh at each other, eh?
02:18So, our new chef just, uh, just left.
02:21Just popped out.
02:22Quick prayer, I expect.
02:24Uh, Mr. Fawlty.
02:25Hello.
02:27These premises do not come up to the standard required by this authority.
02:31Unless appropriate steps are taken instantly,
02:33I shall have no alternative but to prosecute or recommend closure
02:36to the appropriate committee of the council.
02:39Specifically, lack of proper cleaning routines,
02:42dirty and greasy filters,
02:44greasy and encrusted deep-fat fryer,
02:46dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces,
02:49dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles,
02:51dirty, marked and stained utensils,
02:53dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hoods.
02:56Yes, above the deep-fat fryer...
02:58Inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuff,
03:01storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays,
03:03storage of raw meat above confectionery
03:06with consequent tripping of meat juices onto cream products,
03:09refrigerator seals loose and cracked,
03:11icebox undefrosted and refrigerator overstocked.
03:14Yes, say no more.
03:15Um, food handling routines suspect,
03:19evidence of smoking in food preparation area,
03:22dirty and grubby food handling overalls,
03:24lack of wash hand basin,
03:26which gave us a verbal assurance you'd have installed
03:28on our last visit six months ago
03:30and two dead pigeons in the water tank.
03:35Otherwise OK?
03:38As I said, I shall refrain from serving a food hygiene notice today,
03:41but I shall return tomorrow.
03:43If the items on this list have not been rectified,
03:46I shall take immediate action.
03:47I have not had time to inspect the bedrooms
03:50and common passageways,
03:51but I shall be doing so tomorrow.
03:53Yes, of course.
03:55The only gourmets you'll find scavenging in this kitchen
03:59will be kamikaze ones.
04:02Thought we was in trouble there for a minute.
04:05We are in trouble.
04:07Piece of cake.
04:08Have you read this piece of cake?
04:11Well, they've got to do that, haven't they?
04:12It's part of their job.
04:13Terry, this kitchen is filthy.
04:15Filthy towers, eh?
04:16Now, look, not all kitchens are filthy, Mr Fawlty.
04:19In fact, the better the kitchen, the filthier it is.
04:21Have you ever read George Orwell's experiences
04:23at Maxim's in Paris?
04:25No, do you have a copy?
04:25I'll read it out in court.
04:28Don't just stand there gossiping.
04:30I am not gossiping.
04:31I'm trying to point out to our alleged chef that...
04:33Go upstairs and get Manuel
04:34and check the bathrooms for soap and paper
04:36and get those pigeons out of the water tank.
04:38Yes, my little commandant.
04:40See how many fire extinguishers are missing?
04:42Come on, Polly, we'll start in here.
04:45Not in here, puss.
04:46Bye.
04:47See, maybe the face I can't forget.
04:54Maybe the pleasure for the price I can't...
04:56Hey, see, baby.
05:00Manuel, I'm sorry.
05:00This is an emergency.
05:01Important.
05:02See, the health inspector's just been
05:04things wrong with hotel.
05:05We put them right by tomorrow, all right?
05:07Now, Manuel, go up to the roof.
05:09The roof?
05:09Yes.
05:10No, no, come on.
05:11I haven't told you yet.
05:12Now, go to the water tank.
05:14Oh, water.
05:14Water tank.
05:15Water on roof in tank?
05:16Yes.
05:17See, see, see.
05:17Two dead pigeons in tank, take out.
05:22It's not difficult, Manuel.
05:23This is not a proposition from Wittgenstein.
05:25Listen.
05:25Two dead pigeons, water tank.
05:31What is funny?
05:32How they get up there?
05:34How they...
05:34They flew up there.
05:36Oh, that's right.
05:38That's right.
05:39Oink, oink, oink, oink.
05:41Just for your...
05:43Oh, not pigs.
05:45Pigeons.
05:48Pigeon.
05:49Pigeon.
05:50Like your English.
05:52Piety, piffle, pig.
05:53Pigeon.
05:55Pigeon.
05:57Ah.
05:58What is that?
05:59It's my hamster.
06:01Pigeon.
06:04Pigeon?
06:04Si, si.
06:05No, no, no, pigeon.
06:06Oh, well, it's a rat.
06:07Pigeon.
06:08It's a rat.
06:09No, no, no, no, it's hamster.
06:10Well, of course it's a rat.
06:11You have rats in Spain, don't you?
06:13What if Franco had them all shot?
06:16It's hamster.
06:17It's a rat.
06:18No, I think so, too.
06:19What?
06:20I say to man in shop, he's a rat.
06:22He say, no, no, no, he's a special kind of hamster.
06:25It's filigree Siberian hamster.
06:27Only one in shop, he makes special price, only five pound.
06:32Have you ever heard of the bubonic plague, Manuel?
06:34It was very popular here at one time.
06:36A lot of pedigree hamsters came over on ships from Siberia.
06:40What do you do?
06:40I'm sorry, Manuel, this is a rat.
06:42No, no, it's hamster.
06:43It's not hamster.
06:44The hamsters are small and cuddly.
06:46Cuddle this, you'd never play the guitar again.
06:50Where do you go?
06:51Where do you go?
06:51Where do you take him?
06:52I'm sorry, Manuel, he's got to go.
06:53Go?
06:54No, no, no.
06:54He mind, he stay with me?
06:55Now, look, this is a hotel.
06:57The health inspector comes tomorrow.
06:59If he sees this, I close down.
07:01No warning, close down.
07:02Finito, you out of work, back to Barcelona.
07:05He know her.
07:06He in cage.
07:06He's safe.
07:07Please, please.
07:08What's the matter?
07:09He picked my hamster.
07:10Please, Mr. Fauci.
07:12Mr. Fauci.
07:12I love him.
07:13I love him.
07:14I'll be taking it from my room.
07:16Oh, no, no.
07:17Never mind.
07:18It'll be all right.
07:19You will keep it in our room.
07:20Yes, that's right.
07:21We'll keep it in our room, Mr. Fauci.
07:23We'll look after it.
07:26Hooray!
07:27Hooray!
07:28Oh, my Siberian hamster.
07:31Filigree.
07:35It's all right.
07:36It's only a Siberian hamster.
07:37Just getting rid of it.
07:40Polly, Polly, can you take my hamster?
07:42What?
07:42Mr. Fawlty take my hamster.
07:44He crazy.
07:45He think he's a rat.
07:47Manuel.
07:50Prepare yourself for a shock.
07:53Why don't you check?
07:55What?
07:56Well, you mean he's had it for a whole year and you've only just found out?
07:59Yes.
07:59Well, supposing the health inspector had seen it?
08:01I know.
08:02He could have closed us down.
08:03Well, what are you going to do with it, Fauci?
08:05You can't keep it in here.
08:06I know.
08:07And don't let it loose in the garden.
08:09It'll come back in the house.
08:10Can't we get you a mastermind, Sybil?
08:12Next contestant, Sybil Fawlty from Torquay.
08:14Special subject, the bleeding obvious.
08:16I want you to let it go in the garden.
08:18Well, what are you going to do with it?
08:20I don't know.
08:21I'll take it away.
08:21Let it go.
08:22Give it its freedom.
08:22You can't do that, Basil.
08:23He wouldn't be able to defend himself.
08:25He's a rat, isn't he?
08:28He's domesticated, aren't you?
08:29Well, you're domesticated.
08:30You do all right.
08:32Look, he's not going to get mugged by a gang of field mice, is he?
08:36Basil, he's Manuel's pet.
08:38We have a duty to it.
08:40Perhaps we could find a home for him.
08:42All right.
08:42I'll put an ad in the papers.
08:43I wanted kind home for enormous savage rodent.
08:47Answers to the name of Sybil.
08:48Look, I'll pick him up into the country.
08:50Let him go.
08:51No.
08:51I cannot abide cruelty to living creatures.
08:54Well, I'm a creature.
08:55You can abide it to me.
08:56You're not living.
08:59Look, Manuel, we were just wondering what you ought to do.
09:01Mrs Fawlty, please understand.
09:02If he go, I go.
09:04Well, goodbye.
09:06Please, listen.
09:07You know, we really can't keep him here.
09:09The health inspector wouldn't like...
09:10Mrs Fawlty, he's here one year.
09:12He do no harm.
09:13But, Manuel, listen.
09:14If they see your rat, they could close the hotel down.
09:18Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to S-L-E-E-P.
09:23Who?
09:24Him or the rat?
09:25Well, if I get a discount, we'll have them both done.
09:28Spleep!
09:28Manuel!
09:30I wrote my friend.
09:31It's all right.
09:31She'll take him.
09:32Okay.
09:32She has lots of animals and it's not far from here.
09:35You can go and see him whenever you want.
09:36So, come on.
09:37We'll take him over there now.
09:37Okay, forget me.
09:38Well, rats are like that, Manuel.
09:40Don't get involved with them.
09:41Come on, Manuel.
09:42I think it's the best solution, Manuel.
09:44Oh, you'll be happy.
09:44You'll see.
09:47Sad, isn't it?
09:48Well, look at it from the point of view of the rat.
09:50What?
09:50Well, would you want to spend the rest of your life with Manuel waiting on you?
10:03Now, we've been through the cupboards.
10:05You're doing the walls.
10:06Terry the filters.
10:07Check the fridges.
10:07Oh, come here.
10:12Right.
10:13That's done.
10:14Now, Sybil, everything done here?
10:16Have you put the lid on the tank, Basil?
10:17That's why I've been on the roof the last 40 minutes, dear.
10:19Yes.
10:19And you took the pigeons out?
10:21No, I left them in.
10:21They're nearly done.
10:22Now, the walls.
10:24I've checked everything.
10:26Terry the hoods.
10:26Have we done the cupboards?
10:27It's all been done, Basil.
10:29The fridge.
10:29Have we got it all separate?
10:30Basil, I told you.
10:31It's all been done.
10:31Seals on the old fridge.
10:32The floor.
10:33I've checked it.
10:34It's running over the bleeding, obviously.
10:36So, all the ship-shape and Bristol fashion day,
10:38all ready for old Snoopy drawers.
10:45Is this about that rodent?
10:47Just leave him alone, Basil.
10:49He's upset.
10:49Well, he's not going to cheer up mooning about like that, is he?
10:51Just let him be.
10:52It doesn't help him.
10:53You're encouraging it.
10:54You've got to get his mind off it.
10:56Well, Manuel, what do you think?
10:58Looks good, doesn't it, eh?
10:59All clean and shining bright, eh?
11:01It's so empty without him.
11:03Yes, yes.
11:03Those walls look good, too, don't they?
11:05And the hood's gleaming like that.
11:06Isn't that a marvellous sight?
11:07Please leave me alone.
11:08I'll get over it.
11:09Yes, yes.
11:10You'll get over it.
11:10No, no point in letting it get you down.
11:12Plenty more fish in the sea, eh?
11:14Don't!
11:14What?
11:15Don't hit me always.
11:16You hit me.
11:16I'm not hitting you.
11:17I'm trying to cheer you up.
11:19Let him be, Basil.
11:20Look, look, look.
11:21Oh, don't look at me with those awful cow eyes.
11:24Look, why don't you go to the cinema tonight?
11:25Why don't you and Polly go to the ice rink tonight?
11:28What?
11:29Why don't you cheer up, for Christ's sake?
11:31Look, look, I cannot stand this awful self-indulgence.
11:34Leave him alone, Basil.
11:36He's just depressed.
11:38Manuel, my wife informs me that you're depressed.
11:43Let me do something.
11:44Depression is a very bad thing.
11:48It's like a virus.
11:49If you don't stamp on it, it spreads throughout the mind,
11:51and then one day you wake up in the morning
11:52and you can't face life anymore.
11:55And then you open a hotel.
11:58I didn't win the war by getting depressed, you know.
12:02Manuel.
12:03Oh, no?
12:03Not so sad.
12:04No?
12:05No, no, it's too much.
12:06Too much?
12:06Much too much.
12:07Oh.
12:07You're just a little bit sad.
12:09Here's the food.
12:09Oh, gracias.
12:10Oh, don't forget the water.
12:11Oh, Terry, Terry.
12:12Let me have a bit of that.
12:13That's Philly.
12:14Si, si, si.
12:14He'll like it, please.
12:15Do you want some Bernays with it?
12:17No, no, no, no.
12:18It's Costello Roll.
12:18No, no, no, no.
12:44Puzzle.
12:49Thank you, Mr. Higgins.
12:53And here's the picture.
12:55What?
12:56The picture.
12:57The one in your room.
12:58You said you liked it.
12:59Polly.
13:00Shh.
13:01Polly.
13:01Wait.
13:02No, I'm sorry.
13:03I really don't.
13:04Oh, just a fiver.
13:05You can have it on approval.
13:06Sorry.
13:07It's for my sister's eye operation.
13:10You bastard.
13:13Polly.
13:14Oh, what?
13:15He gone.
13:16What?
13:16He gone.
13:16He escaped.
13:18But how did he get out of the cage?
13:19I leave door open so he can exercise in shed.
13:22Oh, you dago dodo.
13:23Oh, please.
13:25You got it all over your front.
13:27Okay?
13:27Mucho sallow.
13:28What you do?
13:29It's dirty.
13:30No matter.
13:30What about Basil?
13:32Mr. Fawlty, do you?
13:33No, no, no, no.
13:33Basil.
13:34A star key.
13:35Now go and clean it.
13:37See, see.
13:39Jolly good, Polly.
13:40That's the way to snap him out of it.
13:43Hello, Major.
13:44There are the papers.
13:45That's where I left it.
13:46Strike, strike, strike.
13:48Why do we bother, Fawlty?
13:51Didn't know you did, Major.
13:59Boycott made a century.
14:05Stay where you are, Major.
14:11Don't move.
14:23Tari, give these a rinse, will you?
14:25I have.
14:26Well, they're still dirty.
14:27Put them in the dishwasher.
14:46Do you need any help, Major?
14:48Don't move.
14:52Vermin.
14:55We haven't got any this week, Major.
14:57No Germans staying this week, Major.
15:00Going to shoot him, Fawlty?
15:02Yes, Major.
15:03Not legal, actually, anymore.
15:05Murder.
15:06But are animals, Fawlty?
15:07Oh, yes, yes.
15:08Still, forgive and forget, eh?
15:09Forgive?
15:10Well, pretend we do.
15:11But they spread disease, Fawlty.
15:13He was sitting there, on that table, eating the nuts, if you please.
15:17He's really gone this time.
15:19About that size.
15:21That, with the tail.
15:27What did you say it was?
15:29Vermin.
15:30A dirty rat.
15:35How long ago?
15:36Oh, about two minutes ago.
15:38Stay there, Major.
15:38Stay there.
15:39If you see him, give me a shout.
15:41Will do.
15:48I'm just cleaning behind the fridge, Mr. Fawlty.
15:54Basil?
15:55Basil?
15:56Oh, cheesies.
15:59Yes?
16:00Basil?
16:01All right, then.
16:02Oh, hello, Mr. Fawlty.
16:04That's for me, is it?
16:07Shall I get you some more?
16:08There's plenty of...
16:09He's called Basil, is he?
16:11Don't play dumb with me.
16:12I trusted you.
16:12You're responsible for this.
16:13Oh, I've got a friend who'll look after him, Mr. Fawlty.
16:21Come on.
16:21Come on, now.
16:22Come on.
16:23Basil's here.
16:25Have you got him?
16:26He's under there.
16:27Right, I'll get him.
16:31Cleaning behind the fridge, hmm?
16:32Well, you've got a lot on your mind.
16:34We didn't want to worry you, Mr. Fawlty.
16:39Loose in the hotel.
16:40He must have escaped, Mr. Fawlty, and come back.
16:42Come back?
16:44They home.
16:46Oh, I see.
16:47He's a homing rat, is he?
16:50Oh, yeah.
16:51Rats are amazing creatures, Mr. Fawlty.
16:53I read about one once.
16:54His owner had gone down to Penzance.
16:56Yes, yes, I read about that.
16:57When the chef got filleted with his own carving knife.
16:59No, honest.
17:00It's down for them.
17:01We'll find him, Mr. Fawlty.
17:03Well, if you could.
17:04That would be lovely before they close us down.
17:05Super.
17:05Well, let's have a little basil hunt, shall we?
17:08And then we'll deal with the sackings later on.
17:09I'll do this, sir.
17:10I'll do this, Fawlty.
17:11Manuel, you check your rules.
17:12It's not in the bar, Polly.
17:13It was there two minutes ago.
17:14I'll do this.
17:17I've done all them.
17:45Oh, Mr. Carnegie.
17:47Good morning.
17:48Good morning, Mrs. Fawlty.
17:51Oh, hello.
17:52Nice to see you.
17:54Would you like coffee before we adjourn to...
17:56No, thank you.
17:57If we start upstairs with the water tanks.
17:59Ah, good idea.
17:59What?
18:00Good thinking about starting upstairs.
18:02Would you like to show Mr. Carley...
18:03I was just going to, Basil.
18:04Yes, and I'll keep an eye on things down here.
18:06Shall I see if I can find something to be getting on with?
18:09God, what was that?
18:11Bloody television exploding again.
18:13I'll do it.
18:14I'll do it.
18:14I'll do it upstairs.
18:15That was a gun.
18:16Yes, he did sound like it, didn't he?
18:22What?
18:22What is going on here?
18:24I'll get him.
18:26He'll come back to the nuts, you know.
18:28He was sniffing around here, does thou?
18:30I thought...
18:30Sorry.
18:31Sorry, David.
18:32It wasn't a turner at all.
18:33It was just this gun.
18:34I put it out of the lock and key straight away.
18:36Why was he firing it in the hotel?
18:38Er, Starling.
18:39Student Starling.
18:39In the bar?
18:40No, no.
18:40Through the window.
18:41I'll lock it away.
18:41Is it licensed?
18:42Oh, yes.
18:43Oh, yes.
18:43You do realise that under the Health and Safety Act, it is your responsibility.
18:47Oh, yes.
18:47I'm terribly sorry.
18:48It's never happened before, Mr. Carney.
18:50Well, I shall have to notify the police, of course.
18:52They will take steps.
18:53Can I kill it?
18:53Can I pass it?
18:54It's all right.
18:55It's all right, my husband.
18:55Is he all right?
18:56Yes, he's all right.
18:57He's not dead.
18:57No, no, no.
18:58It was just the Major letting the gun off.
19:00The Major tried to kill Basil?
19:02Kill Basil?
19:02No, no, no, not Mr. Fauci.
19:04I mean Basil, my little...
19:05Ratatouille.
19:06Basil, the little...
19:08Ratatouille.
19:09The chef calls the Ratatouille Basil because he puts quite a lot of basil in it.
19:15He put basil in the Ratatouille?
19:18Yes.
19:25He's from Barcelona.
19:32You know, typical Latin, really.
19:34Would you like to?
19:36Why you do this?
19:36I haven't.
19:37I haven't.
19:38Polly say you put basil in Ratatouille.
19:40I haven't made any bleeding Ratatouille.
19:43Then, well.
19:43Why you say he put basil in Ratatouille?
19:46I had to say something.
19:47That is the health inspector.
19:48Now, well, you calm down.
19:49Oh, where is he?
19:49Oh, I don't know.
19:50But perhaps he's dead.
19:51Oh, he's all right.
19:52Give us the veal paw.
19:53I've got to get lunch ready.
19:54How you know he's all right?
19:55Major, fire his gun.
19:57Perhaps he hit.
19:57I find him.
19:59Oh, sorry.
20:00Oh, pick him up quickly before he gets in here.
20:03That's it, Major.
20:03You've got it.
20:04Well, you've nearly got to hear him.
20:05The thing is, not a word about rats.
20:07You were shooting a starling.
20:08All right.
20:08A starling?
20:09Yes.
20:09Through the window.
20:10Right.
20:11But, Forty, how did the starling get in the bar?
20:14No, no, no.
20:14You were in the bar.
20:15I was in the bar?
20:16Yes.
20:17Which I was.
20:17Yes, and the starling was in the garden, and the rat was nowhere at all.
20:21Well, I didn't see him.
20:23Say good night to the folks, Gracie.
20:26All right, Terry, everything under control?
20:28Yeah.
20:28Is he still, uh...
20:28No, he started upstairs.
20:29God knows where that rat is.
20:31Oh, puss.
20:34Oh, come on, puss.
20:37Don't you know.
20:42Oh, uh, I put some, uh...
20:46Yeah.
20:46Terry?
20:46Yeah?
20:47There was a piece of veal down here.
20:48Yeah, got them all up, Mr. Fawlty.
20:50What?
20:51We picked them all up.
20:52Got the veals, Terry.
20:53Yeah, we are, Paul.
20:54Terry, listen to me.
20:55What do you mean you picked them all up?
20:56Well, Manuel knocked them over.
20:58We picked them all up.
21:00Oh, my God.
21:01What's the matter?
21:03All of them's got raw poison on it.
21:08Sorry, sorry, sorry.
21:10Uh, veal's off.
21:11Sorry.
21:12That's veal?
21:12No, no, this is a veal substitute.
21:15We're giving it a try, and it's a bit of a disappointment, I'm afraid.
21:17In fact, it's no substitute at all.
21:18Polly, would you take the order again, please?
21:22Thank you, sir.
21:23I'm sorry about that.
21:24Would you like the lamb or the place?
21:26Veal substitute.
21:28Well, it's Japanese, actually.
21:31Soybeans and essence of cow.
21:33Uh, seals.
21:34We move all the meat into this one, and we put the confectionery...
21:40A bottle of the Beaujolais, please.
21:42Absolutely.
21:43And the washout basin?
21:44We ordered it yesterday.
21:46Here's the acknowledgement of the order.
21:49Well, it would appear that this kitchen is now in a satisfactory condition.
21:53I shall be writing to perform the...
21:56Sorry.
21:59Outstanding points, and someone will be dropping in to carry out a future random inspection
22:04to make sure these standards are being maintained.
22:07Ma! Ma!
22:08Uh, it's ten to one.
22:10I'd like to take lunch here, if I may.
22:12Oh, certainly, Mr Carnegie.
22:14I couldn't help noticing you had some veal over here.
22:19Weal?
22:21Yes, it's Dutch.
22:22Well, it's not Dutch, actually.
22:24It's, uh, Norwegian.
22:25Norwegian?
22:26Yes, not the absolute apex, quite honestly.
22:28Terry, the veal is Dutch, isn't it?
22:30Norwegian, Mrs Forty.
22:31I've been in this business 20 years.
22:33I've never heard of Norwegian veal.
22:36No, well, they've only just branched into it, you know.
22:37No, I don't think it's a winner, frankly.
22:39You know, more of a veal substitute.
22:40It's got a lot of air pockets in it, that sort of thing.
22:42The, uh, the lamb is Dutch.
22:43Dutch.
22:43Well, English.
22:44I mean, we call it Dutch, because it's as good as the veal.
22:45It's better, quite honestly.
22:46Well, I prefer the veal.
22:47Yes, how about lobster?
22:48Would you prefer lobster?
22:49Couple of lobsters.
22:50Oh, it's frightfully good at the moment.
22:51It's not expensive this week.
22:52We've got so much, we're having a bit of a lobster sale at the moment.
22:54Try and shift it all.
22:5575p each, two for a pound.
22:57I can't say fairer than that, can I?
22:58It's just the veal.
22:59Well, if you like the veal, perhaps you prefer the chicken.
23:01That's all, of course, the veal.
23:02No, I just thought that...
23:03Could that make a phone call?
23:04Yes, of course, through here.
23:07What's all this about rat poison on the veal?
23:09He's put rat poison on one.
23:10They've got mixed up and nobody knows which is which now.
23:12Well, what happened to the one, the cat ate?
23:14The cat?
23:15Well, that's no good.
23:16That might have poison on it, too.
23:18Well, where is it?
23:19What?
23:20Where's the cat's slice?
23:21Um, up there.
23:24Right, now.
23:25How's the cat?
23:26How's the cat?
23:27How's the cat?
23:28We're about to take the life of a public health inspector
23:31and you want to know how's the cat?
23:33It's going to London to see the Queen.
23:35What are we going to do?
23:36It's all right.
23:37Great.
23:37Hooray!
23:38Hooray!
23:39The cat lives!
23:39The cat lives!
23:40Long live the cat!
23:41What are we going to do?
23:43Mr Fawlty, if the cat is all right,
23:46that means that slice is all right.
23:49Well, how long would it take to work?
23:50That stuff, two minutes.
23:51He had this ten minutes ago, at least.
23:53It's a bit chewed there.
23:54I'll give it a trim.
23:59So you're driving over to Babacoon this afternoon?
24:02Yes, we're...
24:05What is a plate of veal doing there?
24:08I'll just relieve you of it, shall I?
24:12Do sit down, Mr Carnegie.
24:13He just has, Basil.
24:15On a plate of veal.
24:16Has it put you off?
24:16What?
24:17Has it put you off the veal at all?
24:18Well, I'm not eating that one, if that's what you mean.
24:21Stop!
24:22Halt!
24:23Sorry.
24:23I think there might be another one there.
24:25Excuse me.
24:25Ah, yes.
24:26Lucky guess.
24:29Well, who's responsible for putting them there?
24:31Manuel, our Spanish waiter.
24:33Hey.
24:33Go.
24:34Now, would you like to get this one?
24:36Please.
24:38Well, does he do it often?
24:39Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
24:40It's the first time, but he sometimes looks as though he's going to,
24:43but we always catch him, of course.
24:44Here's your veal, Mr Carnegie, and one green salad.
24:48Ah, bon.
24:48Good appetit.
24:54Right there, Terry.
25:11Sorry.
25:12Ah, not hot enough.
25:14Ah!
25:16Not big enough.
25:17Sorry.
25:18What?
25:18Not big enough.
25:19Sorry.
25:19Excuse me.
25:19Really, Polly.
25:27What are you doing?
25:28Well, if that's the one, these are OK.
25:30What?
25:30If that's the poison one, these are all right.
25:34Brilliant!
25:36Great.
25:37Right.
25:37OK.
25:38Manuel, what is going on?
25:39That was the poison one.
25:40The cat had it.
25:41The cat, oh, poison.
25:43Yes, so that one must be OK.
25:48There's a...
25:48Sorry, just getting you a proper-sized one.
25:50It was big enough.
25:51It was all I wanted.
25:52Well, it could have been a bit hotter.
25:53Well, not much, but...
25:55Yes, yes, it's just coming.
25:56Won't be a second.
25:56Ah, Manuel, would you, uh...
25:58Oh, here, uh, uh, here.
26:01Go ahead and have a little sec.
26:01Go.
26:03What?
26:03Look, he's all right.
26:04Look.
26:05He can't be.
26:06Well, he is.
26:07Here, Paul.
26:08Oh.
26:08He can't be.
26:09What do you mean?
26:10Well, he was vomiting.
26:11Vomiting?
26:12Oh!
26:15That's just fur balls, Basil.
26:17What?
26:18That's just fur balls.
26:19He does that all the time in the summer.
26:21But...
26:21But if he's all right, that one might...
26:23I don't know.
26:24Oh, Paul.
26:25Oh, too much.
26:26What?
26:27Too much.
26:27Too much of a good thing.
26:28Always leaves one wanting less, I always find.
26:31Oh.
26:31She's wrong now.
26:32Well, we wouldn't want you to think
26:33that just because you're one of Her Majesty's civil servants
26:35we were showing you any excess favouritism.
26:37I'm sure you wouldn't want that.
26:38Oh, so you're the rat inspector.
26:41Oh, sorry for me.
26:44Starling inspector.
26:45Starling inspector.
26:47Starling inspector.
27:03Too much.
27:07We have one Wilser soup, one cashback, please.
27:13One Wilser soup.
27:17If the cat's slice is all right, that might be the poison one.
27:21No, no, yes, yes, he's right.
27:22And if the cat's one is all right...
27:24Which it is.
27:25We can give him that, can't we?
27:27Right, Walden, shut up.
27:28But, Terry, that's got things on it.
27:30Oh, that's all right, Mrs Fortley.
27:31What the eye don't see, the chef gets away with.
27:33Mr Fortley, what is it?
27:34Table seven.
27:35What?
27:35Basel!
27:38Sorry, he's just coming.
27:40Excuse me.
27:41Of course.
27:41Good afternoon, sir.
27:42Good afternoon, madam.
27:43You guys, just trying to give an order to your waiter,
27:45and he walked away while I was doing it.
27:50Hmm?
27:51Well, he wasn't paying attention at all.
27:56I'm so sorry.
27:57What were you saying?
27:58The waiter wasn't listening when I was giving him our order.
28:02He seemed more interested in my fiancé's legs.
28:05Really?
28:06May I?
28:11Yes, I don't think so.
28:13In fact, I think there's a bread roll down there.
28:14May I give my order?
28:16Oh, please.
28:17Of course.
28:17We'd like one Windsor soup and one pate, and then I...
28:22Sorry, I'm going to go in my shoelace up.
28:24Are you going to take my order?
28:26Yes, Polly, would you take the order?
28:28Yeah, please.
28:28I'm just a bit.
28:32One Windsor soup.
28:34One Windsor.
28:35One pate.
28:36Sir.
28:36Sir.
28:37What?
28:37There, there.
28:38What do you mean, there, there?
28:39It's all there.
28:40There, there, there, and there.
28:42All there.
28:42Before you're in there.
28:44And one pate?
28:45Manuel, would you get the bread roll, please?
28:47No, no, no, no.
28:47Get the box.
28:49We have a box.
28:50A bread box.
28:51For any bread that has gone past its prime.
28:54And you'd both like the...
28:55The veal?
28:56Oh, the veal's off, I'm afraid.
28:59How can it be?
29:00You've only just started.
29:01Don't shush me.
29:02Well, I'm sorry, but the veal is, in fact, off.
29:05Well, it was never really on, quite honestly.
29:06That's a misprint.
29:07A misprint?
29:08Yes, it should say, um...
29:10Eel.
29:12Eel as scott.
29:13Stop it.
29:14Well, you just need it.
29:15Wait until after the meal.
29:16No, no, we have to get it now, I'm afraid.
29:17Health regulations before it moulds.
29:19Well, I'll get it, then.
29:20No, no, no, please, please, allow us.
29:22Please, please, all part of the service.
29:23So that's one pate and one Windsor soup.
29:31Here's your veal, Mr. Carnegie.
29:33Sorry for the delay.
29:35He's just been given veal.
29:36No, no, that's veal substitute.
29:39Veal substitute?
29:39Yes, it's not very good.
29:40It got rather held up on the boat on the way over from...
29:43Japan.
29:44Norway.
29:44It's a sort of...
29:47Japo-Scandinavian imitation of veal substitute,
29:49and I'm afraid that's the last slice anywhere.
29:51We're leaving.
29:52OK, if you insist.
29:53What?
29:53By all means, be my guest.
29:55I want a taxi.
29:56Polly, would you arrange a taxi, please?
29:57It's in a bag.
29:59Is your veal, um...
30:00In her bag.
30:01In her bag?
30:01What?
30:01Excuse me.
30:05Do you know where you're going to?
30:06Can you recommend a restaurant?
30:09Yes, of course.
30:10What sort of, uh...
30:12Is...
30:12Where is somewhere that serves really good veal, Polly?
30:14Somewhere in the...
30:15Veal, yes, of course.
30:17A really good restaurant.
30:18No, wait...
30:19Wait just a minute, because I do remember a place...
30:21Well, I had some really good veal once.
30:24Only I just can't think of the name of it.
30:25It was, um...
30:26Oh!
30:27La-dee-da.
30:30Did you see Annie Hall?
30:33La-dee-da.
30:34Annie who?
30:35Oh.
30:36What are you doing?
30:38What?
30:38He had his hand in my bag.
30:40What?
30:41No, I...
30:42You know something.
30:43You're getting my dander up, you grotty little man.
30:47You're asking for a bunch of fives.
30:49Bombscare.
30:50What?
30:51There's been a bombscare.
30:52A bombscare?
30:53Yes.
30:53Yes.
30:55That's why he was searching in your bag.
30:56He didn't want to alarm you.
30:57May I?
30:57Well, I didn't really.
30:58Well, we'll be...
30:59Just one minute.
31:00We had a call, you see.
31:01Well, shouldn't you get everybody out?
31:02Well, that's why we were looking under your table.
31:04We just didn't want to draw attention.
31:13A waiter.
31:16A waiter.
31:18Un momentito.
31:26Some cheese and biscuits and a coffee, please.
31:36Anything to follow?
31:37I've ordered some cheese and a coffee.
31:38Certainly.
31:39Coffee, please.
31:41Here we are, Mr. Carnegie.
31:43Polly, would you get the biscuits, please?
31:45Here they are, Paul, dear.
31:46Ah, cheddar, Danish blue, Idam.
31:49A little Danish blue, please.
31:51Certainly.
31:58Idam?
31:59No, thank you.
32:00Biscuits?
32:14What, what, would you, would you care for a rat?
32:19Just, just the biscuits, then.
32:21Please, Polly.
32:27Black or white?
32:28Hmm?
32:30Black or white?
32:32Black, please.
32:33There we are.
32:36Here are the biscuits.
32:39Green crackers, digestive, sorry, Vita.
32:44I'm afraid it's started to rain again.
33:14So, I'm just doing it again.
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