- 2 days ago
In Episode 4 of Series 16, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May each spend just £2,000 on a used four-seater convertible (BMW E30 325i models) to see which performs best. Meanwhile, Clarkson bids a dramatic farewell to the Pagani Zonda production line, testing the historic Zonda R and Zonda Tricolore on the track. Guests Simon Pegg and Nick Frost take on the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car challenge.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight, our track's a bit foggy, a man eats a snack, and we move about in a caravan.
00:00:30Hello, thank you everybody, thank you. Now, there were lambs in the fields, and there were buds in the trees, and a whiff of spring in the air. So, the producers gave each of us £2,000, and told us we had to spend it on a convertible four-seater car. And then they said we had to take the cars we brought down to the Top Gear test track, where we would be given a number of challenges.
00:00:56This is what I bought. It's a 1987 BMW 325i, convertible. According to the mileometer, it's done 94,000 miles, which means the one thing you can be sure of is it hasn't done 94,000 miles.
00:01:13But, on the face of it, a pretty solid car. Best of all, it only cost £1,600. Oh. Oh, no.
00:01:23That's awkward.
00:01:28That is a... Yes.
00:01:30Erm... Yeah.
00:01:31325? Yes.
00:01:33325? Yes.
00:01:35Ah, you're... How old?
00:01:3787.
00:01:3888. How much?
00:01:391,600.
00:01:40Ooh, 1,950. How many miles?
00:01:44Well, 94, it says.
00:01:45So, this says 137,000 miles. I'm pretty pleased with this. At least they hadn't fit stupid aftermarket wheels on it, unlike...
00:01:54Mine.
00:01:54Yours comes from a good area, I can tell that. Anyone who's got these...
00:01:58Extra locks.
00:01:59They don't live in Borton on the water, do they?
00:02:01It's not a Cotswoldian feature.
00:02:03More St Paul's in Bristol, I'm thinking.
00:02:05Yeah.
00:02:05This is, well, just superb.
00:02:09There's so many different shades of black on there, it's unbelievable.
00:02:12He's just... He's taking care of his car.
00:02:15Oh, ho, ho, ho.
00:02:16Yeah, you need that.
00:02:17Was he delivering paving slabs one at a time?
00:02:20Why is that there?
00:02:21Because it improves handling.
00:02:24At this point, James arrived in his four-seater convertible.
00:02:28Oh, dear.
00:02:29Oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:02:31Just, I don't suppose by any happy chance, that's a 318, is it?
00:02:39It's a 325, sir.
00:02:41Yours?
00:02:43325.
00:02:44Is it?
00:02:44325.
00:02:45Yeah.
00:02:46What year is yours?
00:02:471989.
00:02:49How much did you pay?
00:02:50£1,900.
00:02:51Yours looks pretty standard.
00:02:53It is.
00:02:53Except for the rust, obviously.
00:02:55Mine's not.
00:02:56Don't do that!
00:02:58I've just fixed that once.
00:02:59I barely touched it.
00:03:01So, none of us had bought an Audi or a Ford or a Merc, and that looked like a cock-up.
00:03:07But then I realised that actually, it wasn't.
00:03:11I think this is brilliant.
00:03:13Well, not really.
00:03:14We've got the same car.
00:03:15No, you know we're always being asked.
00:03:16People come up to us and say, is a Golf a good used purchase or a Volvo or whatever?
00:03:20And we always say, well, it depends.
00:03:22So what we've got here are three cars, yes?
00:03:24They were made in the same factory by the same robots at roughly the same time,
00:03:28and they've all been driven in the same country by the same sort of people.
00:03:31So they should be the same.
00:03:33Yeah.
00:03:34But I bet you, I bet you they aren't.
00:03:38So we decided to bin the challenges the producers had devised
00:03:42and dream up some of our own.
00:03:46Where's Hammond?
00:03:47Well, I think we've lost him already.
00:03:59Now, listen, it's...
00:04:00Let me hear that sound again.
00:04:03Oh, dear.
00:04:06The kid's doing that!
00:04:10Stop doing that!
00:04:12Hammond's cheap aftermarket alarm matched his cheap aftermarket wheels.
00:04:18They sort of leach into, like, dry rot.
00:04:21They leach into the system.
00:04:22There's wires going everywhere.
00:04:23Can't you just take it all off?
00:04:25No.
00:04:25No, no, because otherwise you could have stolen a car by just taking the alarm off.
00:04:29I mean, they weren't that stupid in the 80s.
00:04:32That's got it!
00:04:34Jeremy and I decided to abandon Hammond and have a race
00:04:37from 0 to 100 and then back to 0 again
00:04:40so that we could test our car's power and brakes.
00:04:45Here are the vital statistics.
00:04:462.5-litre straight-six, 170 horsepower,
00:04:49or at least when it was new, it may have lost a few.
00:04:51Jeremy has a 2.5-litre straight-six with 170 horsepower,
00:04:56or at least when it was new, he may have lost a few since then.
00:04:58The difference?
00:05:00He's got a big slab of concrete in the boot.
00:05:02It's not the paving stone in the back I'm worried about,
00:05:07it's the automatic gearbox.
00:05:09Doing a drag race with an auto is like doing a 100-metre sprint
00:05:12in wellies full of tadpoles.
00:05:21Yes!
00:05:23Bit of steering wheel wobble coming in.
00:05:27No concrete is the answer.
00:05:29There we go, 0 to 60.
00:05:32That was about 25 seconds.
00:05:4590.
00:05:49Must be able to do 100.
00:05:55There it is!
00:05:57There it is!
00:05:59No brakes!
00:06:00No brakes!
00:06:03It's just not stopping!
00:06:06Please stop!
00:06:10The gap between our supposedly identical BMWs was staggering.
00:06:1577, 78, 79, 80, 81.
00:06:22281 yards.
00:06:24There is another conclusion we can draw from this.
00:06:25Which is what?
00:06:26Well, as you would expect, I've done this properly
00:06:29and I have proved myself to be better than you
00:06:31at buying second-hand BMWs.
00:06:33Well, your brakes are better.
00:06:35And my engine's better.
00:06:37And my gearbox is better.
00:06:38Speed isn't everything.
00:06:40Is it not?
00:06:42No.
00:06:42After the race, we got Hammond's car going again and went to Awaking the Dead's style forensics lab to find out in great detail what sort of life our cars had had.
00:06:58You know the company we're using to do this?
00:07:03Mm-hmm.
00:07:04They're called Manlove Forensics.
00:07:07Are they?
00:07:07They are.
00:07:08No, they are.
00:07:08Why are they called that?
00:07:10Yeah, the boss is called John Manlove.
00:07:12Oh, not many fond school day memories for you, my man.
00:07:16They've actually already discovered that your car used to belong to a Muslim man from Birmingham.
00:07:21What, they didn't tell that just from squabbing the seats?
00:07:25No.
00:07:26They found this letter in the footwell.
00:07:29Oh, yes.
00:07:29Address to Jamia Masjid, it's from a mosque in Birmingham.
00:07:34Hey, they're good.
00:07:35They are good.
00:07:35They're good.
00:07:36But the test they were doing went far beyond looking for old envelopes.
00:07:42But do you know what I'm worried about most of all that they find in my car?
00:07:45What?
00:07:46Gentleman's Relish.
00:07:47Well, I quite like Gentleman's Relish.
00:07:50Oh, you do?
00:07:50Oh, right, okay.
00:07:51Oh, no.
00:07:52And then me the stuff from the jar.
00:07:54After many hours, the boss came over with the results.
00:07:58All right, I'm the only man left.
00:07:59Can we stick to John?
00:08:00Otherwise, we're just going to get giggles.
00:08:03This vehicle here.
00:08:04This is mine.
00:08:05This had crisp fragments in it.
00:08:07Crisps is fine.
00:08:08Nobody's worried about that.
00:08:09There's a little bit of vegetation.
00:08:12Leaves.
00:08:13Bits and pieces such as that and some flakes of skin.
00:08:16They'll be mine.
00:08:17So that's not too bad, then.
00:08:19No, not too bad.
00:08:20Not too bad.
00:08:21Let's move on now.
00:08:22James is calm.
00:08:23Lots of skin in this one, including some nice large flakes of yellowish skin with some bloodstain.
00:08:29A scab!
00:08:30Somebody's picked a scab in your car.
00:08:32A pit full of scabs!
00:08:34And go on.
00:08:34Seriously.
00:08:35And anything else worth note?
00:08:36Quite a lot.
00:08:37Some nasal mucus.
00:08:38Oh, God!
00:08:38Nasal mucus.
00:08:39That's bogus.
00:08:40He's talking about bogus.
00:08:41Were they smeared on the seat or the same was it?
00:08:43There were little balls in the footwell.
00:08:45Shall I just finish James' car?
00:08:47Yes.
00:08:47Was there more?
00:08:47The last one was that the steering wheel was stained with a chemical that can be present
00:08:52in high quantities in saliva.
00:08:55God.
00:08:56So basically, if you're talking, though, and driving, that's what you may well expect.
00:08:59So Roy Hattersley only picked his scabs off, spat all over your steering wheel and dropped
00:09:03bogies in large quantities in your footwell.
00:09:06I don't even like to look at your car now.
00:09:09But then Mr Manlove came to Hammond's car.
00:09:13First of all, there was some black sports type tape with what turned out to be blood
00:09:18staining on it.
00:09:19Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:09:19Somebody's sports tape with blood on the end of it.
00:09:22Somebody's been banned.
00:09:24And murdered.
00:09:24Again, the steering wheel had what appeared to be saliva staining on it.
00:09:28And lastly, really, we had pubic hairs and faeces presently.
00:09:34I'm sorry, did he just say the word faeces, you said?
00:09:38What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yes.
00:09:41That's poo, isn't it?
00:09:42That's poo.
00:09:43Your car's got poo in it.
00:09:45Is that normal?
00:09:46Well, it's like driving around in a Moroccan prison, isn't it, really?
00:09:50I'm in the front of his car.
00:09:52After the forensic tests, my colleagues were very distressed.
00:10:00Oh, no.
00:10:01So, we decided to pull over and see which of our cars was the most thief-proof.
00:10:07This meant finding some thieves who insisted that we pixelate their faces.
00:10:13Unfortunately, the pixelating was done by a man who'd just had his car nicked.
00:10:17Our thieves, with the pixelated chests, will now see how quickly they can break into the cars and drive them away.
00:10:29You ready, chaps?
00:10:30Here we go.
00:10:31Three, two, one, go!
00:10:34I felt sure at this point that thanks to the double locks and the immobiliser, my car would finally start to come good.
00:10:43I think you'll find he'll be a while getting in.
00:10:45He's in to mine.
00:10:47Oh, he's in.
00:10:48He's in to mine.
00:10:49Yeah, yeah, but even though, okay, he's in.
00:10:52But, I think you're fine.
00:11:00Well, that's ridiculous.
00:11:01That was honestly, that was just no time.
00:11:05Your car is now on a cross-channel ferry on its way to Uzbekistad.
00:11:15It really is quite tense now.
00:11:17Come on, Jeremy's thief.
00:11:18Come on, James's thief.
00:11:20Come on, Jeremy's thief.
00:11:22However, after 20 minutes, both our cars were still where we'd left them.
00:11:26So, we decided to call it a draw.
00:11:31Unsurprisingly, the thief decided to return my car.
00:11:35Which meant he could explain the reason it was so easy to steal.
00:11:38Is the ignition barrel is all worn smooth inside.
00:11:41So, you could start it with the handle of a teaspoon.
00:11:44Or a lollipop stick.
00:11:46I think it has done more than 94,000 miles.
00:11:51So far then, we've proved that our identical cars were, in fact, completely different.
00:11:56And that Hammond's was full of someone else's pubic hair.
00:12:05What's my hand?
00:12:06What's my hand?
00:12:07What's my hand?
00:12:08I mean, honestly.
00:12:10It's all nice.
00:12:12Just knowing that.
00:12:13And isn't it extraordinary when you buy a used car, you'll do checks to make sure the gearbox is working and the differential isn't all broken, but you don't do anything to check the state of the interior.
00:12:24No, it is really weird, because I could cope if I thought a car had missed a service or two, or something like that.
00:12:30But once I found out that one was full of nasal mucus, I'd have walked away.
00:12:36Has anybody here bought a used car recently?
00:12:39Like, nobody's bought a used car.
00:12:41That's amazing.
00:12:42So you bought a used car?
00:12:43Yes.
00:12:44Yeah.
00:12:45And did you check it out for...
00:12:46Scabs.
00:12:47Scabs?
00:12:48Blood?
00:12:49Faeces?
00:12:50Nothing.
00:12:51You're from Liverpool?
00:12:52Liverpool.
00:12:53When I said bought, anybody here bought?
00:12:56Oh, here we go again.
00:12:58You have.
00:12:59Did you check out if it's got any finance going on it?
00:13:02Finance.
00:13:03You did finance, you did checks on the mechanical components.
00:13:05Did you see if there were anybody else's bottom mushrooms growing in the car?
00:13:09No.
00:13:10You didn't?
00:13:11No, I'm very surprised, I'm really quite surprised by that.
00:13:13Anyway, we're going to pick it up later on, now we ought to do the news.
00:13:16Can I just talk about speed cameras, does anybody mind?
00:13:18You know, Oxfordshire Council announced recently, well, last year, it was going to turn all the speed cameras off,
00:13:23and when they said that, all the road safety groups were running around going,
00:13:26everybody will be dead in ten minutes as a result of this.
00:13:29Well, six months have now elapsed, and the road safety groups are saying they don't know
00:13:34what effect the switch off has had on accident figures.
00:13:37How can they not know what the accident is?
00:13:39But they say the figures aren't in yet.
00:13:41But I always know pretty much immediately when I've had an accident.
00:13:44Yeah.
00:13:45There are clues.
00:13:46Big noise, sudden stop, that sort of thing.
00:13:49See, the thing is, I've done some digging.
00:13:51In a three-month period in 2009, when the cameras were on, there were 35 accidents, okay,
00:13:56at speed camera sites.
00:13:57No difference?
00:13:58No difference at all.
00:13:59Right.
00:14:00What about fatalities?
00:14:01Fatalities.
00:14:02There were none with the cameras on, and none with the cameras off.
00:14:04Really?
00:14:05Now, what's interesting about this is that you'd think, okay, well, now, so it's made no difference,
00:14:06and saved the council a fortune by getting rid of the speed cameras, but they're now saying the police are going to take over running them,
00:14:12and turn them back on again in April.
00:14:14But I thought they said they couldn't afford to run.
00:14:16No, but the police are doing it.
00:14:17No, but this is actually very good news, though, because that must mean they've solved all the other cries.
00:14:33Well, the police...
00:14:34solved all the other crimes well the police actually actually they have well they haven't
00:14:40solved them all but they have caught that bloke who nicked the lead off my roof you had lead
00:14:45stolen from your roof all of it only you would be the victim of a crime from the 1950s was the
00:14:54villain chased by a black and white policeman blowing a whistle by the Forbes effort I'll tell
00:15:00you the thing is okay I live in Oxford and I was burgled quite recently and they haven't caught
00:15:04her yet huh I'm not sexist yes seen in the news formula one driver Robert Kubica injured horribly
00:15:18in a rally crash he probably won't be watching but his family in Poland might be we didn't want
00:15:22to say that we wish you all the very best hope you recover soon and get back behind the wheel yeah
00:15:26he's a terrific driver really is Robert and I'm sure everybody here will join in wishing wishing
00:15:31him a very speedy recovery now I would like if you don't mind to talk about magpies car show Jeremy
00:15:44bear with me bear with me because there is an organization called the songbird survival trust
00:15:51okay now they're calling for a cull on magpie but not they're not calling a cull they're saying they
00:15:55want to do an experiment is an experiment to see what happens to a magpie if you fire a shotgun at
00:16:00it yes it is basically now I agree with them on this but for different reasons they say if you get
00:16:05rid of magpies then we'll have more songbirds okay because magpies eat songbirds but there's a better
00:16:09reason than that that I can think of magpies are a menace to road safety they look like they'd be bad
00:16:15drivers listen I'm not a superstitious man okay I'm not a superstitious man you know I can walk under a
00:16:20ladder up put my head in the lion's mouth that's not a superstitious man you shoes and all those
00:16:27things but I do salute magpies okay and now the problem is because the magpie is the only bird in
00:16:33Britain these days you're just driving along just doing this the whole time no that's what no you
00:16:37don't just salute if you see a single magpie one on its own you have to say morning captain three
00:16:42times here morning captain morning captain morning captain salute three times spit three times touch your
00:16:47right elbow with your left hand one two three three times and a licky thumb and make a cross in the
00:16:51top right hand corner of the wind don't have to do that you do do you do that when you see a magpie
00:16:55every single time it is quite a faff and it's difficult on the bike but I do morning captain
00:17:01and then you carry on you've both got you've got that you've both got that completely wrong because
00:17:08that what what you're supposed to do is only the first magpie of the day and you salute and say
00:17:12morning mr. magpie and you don't do it in the afternoon because that's bad luck and you don't do the
00:17:16second one and you said how do you know it's the first magpie of the day this is a village
00:17:21piece is anybody here Jewish you are somebody's that was Jewish hands up you are do you know what
00:17:28we're talking about no no no no it's not Newcastle I know where you're going with that it's just that
00:17:37our studio director is Jewish it has no idea what we're talking about with this because he said well
00:17:41perhaps Jews don't do it there's anybody else Jewish who has no clue you're Jewish and you salute
00:17:46magpies you know about it you don't do it interesting so it could be a religious thing
00:17:52I don't know did Jewish people have more road accidents as a result of no Jewish people will
00:17:58have fewer road accidents because they're not spending all day long doing this well anyway
00:18:03look to cut to the point here okay whether you do my simple salute which is correct or his full
00:18:08Morris dance okay we need to stop it okay we need to stop it because the advantages are huge because
00:18:15if you get rid of magpies you have more songbirds so the air sounds nicer you know you've got tits and
00:18:21sparrows and all that sort of thing and that'd be brilliant plus we don't have to do that and that
00:18:27will make the roads safer so there we are top gear top tip kill all magpies and kill them now
00:18:32who told you about the eyes and ears and nose and generally well I've sort of accumulated them
00:18:40over the years but God's sake nobody tell me any more that I have to do I'll add them what you have
00:18:44to do no it can take your trousers down yeah look at somebody in the next car hey listen listen listen
00:18:55there's a new lightweight Lamborghini Gallardo spider has come along here it is it's called the
00:19:02performante that's going to cost you a hundred and can't read that eight what's that say hundred and
00:19:07you poor knackered old guy yes 188 thousand pounds top speed I do know 201 miles an hour is that possibly
00:19:18the best-looking car in production right now look at it no it is a fantastic looking car the problem with
00:19:22it is now it's getting quite old and compared to the Ferrari 458 it just feels old-fashioned yeah
00:19:27and the thing is this isn't just a duel now between the Italians because the British have moved in with
00:19:33the new McLaren yes it's called the mp4 dash 12c we've got it here in the studio and this is the first
00:19:41time in fact we've been able to have a proper look at it now it has McLaren's own engine it's a 3.8
00:19:47litre twin turbo v8 it also has very very sophisticated computer-controlled suspension
00:19:52and most interestingly it was tested here at the top gear test track yeah we really should stress
00:19:58that we had nothing to do with the testing or development of it at all no nothing whatsoever
00:20:03but the thing that bothers me Hammond is I've driven the 458 a lot as you know and I love it and I cannot
00:20:09see how this can be better yes yes I know what you mean but what if it is and there are a few pointers
00:20:14for one thing it's going to be cheaper than the 458 you can't get in okay it's also going to be
00:20:19more powerful 592 brake horsepower which is about 30 or so more these are good signs yeah I'll tell
00:20:24you what as well I like it in here because they've made the steering wheel the steering wheel they you
00:20:28know they haven't fallen into that trap of putting buttons all over it to make it feel like formula one
00:20:32they don't make you choose on your instrument panel between a speedometer and a sat nav like Ferrari
00:20:38do all that stuff they put here and your music on a sort of iPad thing in the middle it's a
00:20:42fantastic fantastic place to be yeah my only problem with this really is I like a supercar to
00:20:48look you know a bit crazy a bit mad like a Zonda this if you ask me is a bit sort of you say you say
00:20:54Zonda but which Zonda do you mean well the Pagani Zonda as opposed to say the Kia Zonda
00:21:00no you see because over the years there have been thousands of them
00:21:06the saga began twelve years ago when Pagani launched this Genesis the very brilliant and
00:21:15very dramatic C12 a year later they introduced a slightly faster version called the C12 S and we
00:21:24saw that it was good then there was the Roadster S and the Monza and the F and the F Roadster and then
00:21:35just when we thought every angle had been explored the F club sports we imagined that this would be the
00:21:45final Zonda the final encore but we were wrong
00:21:50welcome everyone to the Zonda are the last of the breed
00:22:05and by far the most confusing
00:22:10it looks like a purebred racer but you can't race it because there are rules and regulations in
00:22:22motorsport and this meets none of them and if you try to take it on the road a policeman is going to
00:22:28stop you and say sir where are your indicators and why do you not have any tread on your tires
00:22:34so if it's not for racing and it's not for the road what is it for well this
00:22:58annoyingly the R is so loud that our team of sound recordists had to have a bit of a rethink
00:23:05what I was saying before I had this microphone fitted is it really is jolly fast
00:23:16very jolly fast
00:23:19the main reason for all this phenomenalness is the engine
00:23:38it's a six-litre Mercedes V12 which produces 740 horsepower and it's being used to power a car
00:23:52which weighs less than a Ford Fiesta
00:23:55that makes the performance extremely dramatic
00:24:08the Zonda recently blitzed the lap record at the Nürburgring
00:24:18got around in six minutes and 47 seconds and from where I'm sitting I cannot work out why it took so long
00:24:28I can only assume the driver stopped off halfway around to read a book
00:24:36Bruce Forsyth could get this thing around the Nürburgring in less time than there
00:24:43all Zonda's look like they will be more complicated to drive than spaceships
00:24:51but they're not they're easy
00:24:53and because this one has grippy slick tires
00:24:58it's the easiest of the lot
00:25:00you can whiz about at top speed
00:25:03and you've got time and brain power to think
00:25:07I really like the way they've got these air vents laid out
00:25:10it's a nice strap there
00:25:14it's kind of old-fashioned and modern all at the same time
00:25:18and it doesn't really matter if you're not concentrating
00:25:22because it doesn't weigh anything
00:25:25and because its carbon brakes are so enormous
00:25:29it'll go from 125 miles an hour
00:25:32to a dead stop in 4.3 seconds
00:25:36the only way to stop faster
00:25:48is to hit a tree
00:25:49and this is the first Zonda
00:25:55to have a flappy paddle gearbox
00:25:58it isn't the most refined system in the world
00:26:01if I'm honest
00:26:02but it is quick
00:26:04and it does mean that when you floor it
00:26:07you enjoy the fury
00:26:08and all you have to do when the fury runs out
00:26:11pull the lever
00:26:13and it starts all over again
00:26:15go!
00:26:16oh yeah
00:26:17go!
00:26:18go!
00:26:19yes!
00:26:20go!
00:26:22go!
00:26:23go!
00:26:23go!
00:26:24go!
00:26:24go!
00:26:24go!
00:26:25go!
00:26:25go!
00:26:26this car is fantastic
00:26:29an extraordinary example of what can be done when there are no rules
00:26:33but for a toy it is a bit expensive
00:26:38the car will cost you 1.46 million pounds and because most british racetracks have noise limits
00:26:47which this breaches you'll need your own and the going rate for one of those these days
00:26:56by six billion billion
00:26:59one last go come on
00:27:08honestly what a machine what a machine it seems a shame then that we wave goodbye to the zonda
00:27:22with a car that is absolutely brilliant but also completely useless
00:27:32the people at pagani obviously thought so too because they recently announced
00:27:36that the r would not be the last zonda after all
00:27:41they would actually finish by making five road going versions of it
00:27:46and then they'd really definitely finish with five convertible versions of those
00:27:54but like a 1970s rock band they don't seem to be able to end the song
00:27:59because they now say that there will be another one last hurrah
00:28:06this is it the tricolori named after the italian air force aerobatic squadron this too is a quiet and
00:28:15down softer version of the r
00:28:29it's heavier slightly less powerful and thanks to oops normal road tires a lot less
00:28:36nippy
00:28:40oh dear but still a great car
00:28:47and still properly properly fast
00:28:52and because you don't need your own track it's about six billion less than the r
00:29:03that makes it good value
00:29:08but of course what makes this the best value of all is that i'm driving revelation
00:29:14the final on call
00:29:21bye bye zonda bye bye
00:29:33what
00:29:51poor old richard hammonds
00:29:53well you know the zonda's his favorite car and now it's all gone
00:29:57no actually because after i made that film zonda announced they would make two more
00:30:03tricolores really but then it's over no because when they finish doing those they're going to
00:30:08to make a new one called the 750 right then that's the last zonda no because after that no i'm not
00:30:14joking they say they're going to do one called the hh and then they're going to start finally
00:30:19building the new car the the uh what's it called hurrah yeah yeah that's right
00:30:23all right but anyway uh while they're dithering about making up their mind it is time now to
00:30:28find out how fast this one the r goes around our track and of course that means handing it over
00:30:34to our tame racing driver some say his nipples are explosive
00:30:41and that he's recently had a mexican i mean brazilian i mean brazilian why did i say that
00:30:48i'm sorry mr ambassador anyway all we know is he's called the stig
00:30:54and he's off and i can't imagine this is going to take very long v12 amg fury powering towards
00:31:01the first corner here we are so much grip in this car it is just gliding through a bit of a four-wheel
00:31:10drift there no stereo of course just 12 cylinders singing actually not singing shouting
00:31:19he's actually very wide through chicago so how will he attack hammerhead leaning hard on those
00:31:25incredible breaks oh yes he's nailed it now yep he's through
00:31:37really open the taps now kept a steady throttle through the follow through
00:31:42unsettled a bit by the bump on the apex dig not scared two corners left it stays look it's
00:31:48so flat it actually looks undramatic oh a spit of flame into gambon and across the line
00:31:54the line
00:32:01it did it in one minute 26.7 no no i'm lying all right one minute 8.5
00:32:11point five
00:32:19remember a couple of years ago michael schumacher came here and took a ferrari fxx round which is the
00:32:26same sort of thing as this okay and that was one minute 10.7 so that is 2.2 seconds quicker than
00:32:34schumacher in a ferrari on slick tires as well that's amazing that either means that car is truly
00:32:40incredible or the stig is rather underpaid yes oh there's one more thing we have to do i'm afraid
00:32:48uh yeah get rid of it yes of course it's not a road car it has no place on our board yeah it's
00:32:55the rules it's the rules i'm afraid uh anyway let me cheer you up because it's time now to put a star
00:33:00in our reasonably priced car or in fact this week two stars uh now these guys they have well they've
00:33:08fought off zombies in london they've uh had a knife fight in a supermarket in the west country more
00:33:13recently they've helped an alien get back to its home planet so they're either actors or massive
00:33:19liars let's find out ladies and gentlemen nit frost and simon pegg
00:33:38great to see you guys great to see you now you two have known each other for donkey's years haven't
00:33:43you yeah 17 18 years yeah met in a restaurant yeah mexican restaurant i can never go back now
00:33:51they've ripped up my golden fajita card no because it was and you became friends because you shared a
00:33:57love of star wars noises yeah that's kind of how we bonded it was a weird moment we'd met because nick
00:34:02was interested in me in a stand-up comic i was a stand-up comic and we met went out a few times and i did
00:34:07this which is a noise that a small droid i can see you just glazed over no no good at star wars but
00:34:16i'm struggling here but that's why i fell in love with him because i thought no one ever knew about
00:34:22that except me and then he he did it to me and it was like he was like he sprayed me with his nerd musk
00:34:29that was it then you know how loving and it must be great working with your friends i imagine
00:34:37i don't know obviously um now obviously we have the new film which is out it's just out this week
00:34:44valentine's day undy yeah yeah it's called paul yes the idea was this was this was literally a
00:34:49spitball in the garden when we were shooting sean of the dead the weather was really bad naira our
00:34:54producer said can't we shoot something somewhere where it's always sunny we immediately thought of
00:34:58the desert then because of our nerd minds we went straight to area 51 that became aliens we said okay
00:35:03there's two guys and this is alien and they help him get home now we've got a clip of the film here
00:35:08which we can have a look at put the phone down
00:35:14what have you done to him i didn't do anything to him he fainted yeah but you you made him faint yes
00:35:24but it's not like i set my phaser to faint you've got a phaser no i don't look listen hey i really
00:35:30need your help okay can we get this guy back on your wagon are you an alien to you i am yes are you
00:35:39going to probe us why does everyone always assume that what am i doing am i harvesting farts how
00:35:44much can i learn from an ass what i what
00:35:52what gave you the idea to make your aliens smoke and swear we just like the we like the idea that
00:35:58he's been on earth longer than than graham and clive have and he's more he's less alien than they are
00:36:03really they're two british guys that are really out of their depth he's been hanging around on earth
00:36:06smoking really strong weed that he gets off the military that he claims killed bob dylan they do
00:36:13say that there's aliens area 51 don't they yes yeah do you actually believe that well i'm not sure we do
00:36:19no i think it's very coincidental that people see lots of flying saucers near an experimental aircraft
00:36:25facility it just seems to be logically it's probably planes did you go out to area 51 then to research it
00:36:32yeah we did the whole trip we did the whole you did the whole drive we got an rv and we drove from
00:36:37los angeles right the way through nevada and utah did you meet many lunatics a few a lot of cowboys we
00:36:44went to a rodeo fully like stetsons jeans the cowboy boots shirts with business on felt completely normal
00:36:52and thought this is fine it's good to wear this stuff i did not feel normal by the way we didn't look like
00:36:57them we look like people dressing up pretending to be them and they could smell our fear that's because
00:37:02you had a toy gun on you here so did you get to drive your rv across america when you were on you
00:37:08we had to learn how to drive but this is going to sound really but we had a driver what well well
00:37:15neither of us ever driven in rv and the point of it was that we would be sitting writing while america
00:37:21drifted past and uh we just thought let's have a driver he was the guy that did that amazing
00:37:27handbrake turn in the and meet the fuckers the uh um de niro's big cia blacked out yeah there's a bit
00:37:34in that when it turns a full hand so he was the driver he left me driving this is true we were on
00:37:38a highway between we we decided to take a highway because we were running behind time and uh he really
00:37:44needed the toilet and so he left me at the wheel and i just started to lose control terrible and nick was
00:37:49going small corrections small corrections i can't i can't i can't steve came out of the toilet doing
00:37:53up its fly let us have to get back into the thing so yeah no because i love that there was the old
00:37:57story wasn't there of the guy then the chap that rented one an english guy rented an rv for his holiday
00:38:01he heard about then put it said cruise control so he thought i'll put cruise control nobody could
00:38:08work out in the accident why was he killed with a kettle in his hand 18 miles an hour there oh that's
00:38:14tragic anyway so look the lap this is why you're here i know you were nervous because you thought
00:38:21that your size would count against you yeah whereas you of course what do you weigh i think
00:38:26i'm 11 and a half stone my leg weighs that much but the thing is are you very fit at the moment i am
00:38:33because i've been i'm doing mission impossible four as we speak and um and i start having to be
00:38:39like i'm an agent now so i need to be on if i had a long long conversation with mr
00:38:45cruise about his appearance on this still talks about it does he he is full of top gear he has such
00:38:49a shallow and empty life obviously he's obsessed with it nevertheless whose lap shall we see first
00:38:56let's have a look shall we at your laps come on simon let's see your lap here we go
00:39:09i changed gear that's a good sign yeah right first corner nice wide line in there new stick does teach
00:39:17that line it does yeah very oh you're not using all the road though come on mother humpa mother humpa
00:39:27nice watershed language that's looking quite tidy where are you going now yeah hammerhead so look whoa
00:39:34what's squirreling under braking that is quite impressive right keep it in between the lines
00:39:41about yep except it's much sportier than the last one and this is a great car i see apostrophe d
00:39:47noise oh that gives me a funny feeling really whoa almost at the back wheel off the ground there
00:40:02right second to last corner this is where most people go wrong that is extremely tidy
00:40:07and gambol looking very smooth through there and there we go across the line lovely
00:40:14before we get on to how you did yeah i think we should have a look at nick's lap okay now nick
00:40:29your practices weren't entirely smooth no i've sat forward already uh no i just wanted to go for it
00:40:35and you wanted to go for it and then of course on the second to last corner well let's have a look
00:40:40at what happened this is ballsy too ballsy in fact that's a proper spin and what's that it's that hitting
00:40:49the curve there you could have rolled it that's what i call ballsy
00:40:55i think the uh the thing about being in a being a big guy in a small car when you roll it is there's
00:41:01nowhere for you to go so it's it's fine you just roll your eyes go around yeah all right and let's
00:41:07have a look how you get on right good start oh that rubber smell reminds me of my honeymoon
00:41:20helmet suits you gotta say i'm not going to talk about the honeymoon that's why right first corner
00:41:26that's a tighter line there than simon's and using all the road when it squeals easy off
00:41:33just like a bag of pigs i was trying i was trying to channel you i'm not even going to go anywhere
00:41:39with these remarks in the car bag of pigs less aggressive on the brakes than simon was there
00:41:46now let's have a look does this look tidy little chirrup slow looks slow could be fast though you never know
00:41:55and onto the straight hey why do i keep looking in the mirror why did i keep looking in the mirror
00:42:04i don't know because it's i think it's naturally it's in everybody that must check the mirror yeah
00:42:08swing it to the right past the wall of tires no left left left it's left on the wall
00:42:16if i went out right oh i say to come in again my way feels funny
00:42:20that's a james may problem he's always saying that he has this fizzing penis route right there we
00:42:27oh so where are we going
00:42:28no
00:42:29right tom cruise line there we are across the line
00:42:34it's two wheels
00:42:37well that's dangerous with me being on the right too that could have uh
00:42:41now that is this michael gambon tom cruise and you have had it on two wheels in that last corner
00:42:46awesome but was it enough that is the question
00:42:52i can feel my heart in my ears
00:42:56right oh you simon yes your first list okay when you were last here you did it in uh 148
00:43:03five which actually was a very quick time in that old that old was the lassetti
00:43:07it was yeah so where do you think you've come this time 148 five where do you think you are now
00:43:13i couldn't tell you i honestly couldn't well you did it in one
00:43:1840
00:43:214.9 wow
00:43:26wow
00:43:30third fastest
00:43:34to be able to tell tom cruise you're right on top of cameron this isn't working all of these things
00:43:40working fine
00:43:41between cameron and tom wow that's great
00:43:43you are between cameron and tom now nick obviously they're heavyweight yeah you're gonna put hw on my
00:43:49what the ff
00:43:55he nearly killed a journalist in birmingham once for making a joke about his way i did did you yeah i
00:44:00grabbed him right around his throat really yeah that's what the new ferraris calls
00:44:06i was talking about the ferrari
00:44:08i feel like chewbacca now yes let the walkie win
00:44:14where do you reckon you've come on that um i i don't know 149 maybe well you did it
00:44:20it's in one 40
00:44:26four
00:44:290.5
00:44:33so that
00:44:34are you surprised by this imagine if i weighed 11 stone i'd get around in 108
00:44:49i mean that is a remarkable performance have you done have you done track well you've obviously been
00:44:53here before i've never done a track day no you've never driven on the track i bought you a track
00:44:56there you never went and i never went because that was that you should truly take it up because
00:45:00there's a natural talent there ladies and gentlemen simon pegg nate frost
00:45:14right moving on tonight tonight we are engaged in a challenge that was supposed to be
00:45:22to find the best four seater convertible you can buy for less than 2000 pounds yes sadly though we
00:45:28all bought bmw 325i so instead we're finding out how different three supposedly identical cars have
00:45:35become over the years yeah now so far we've discovered that his car is full of mucus and mine
00:45:42full of poo and pubic hair yeah and spent most of the time broken down but as we rejoin the action
00:45:48all three cars are actually working what you're looking at here is the stig setting a lap time in
00:45:57the modern day equivalent of our cars a time we shall try to match i'm in some ways quite confident
00:46:07because i have the paving slab in the boot giving me better handling and yet in some ways not confident
00:46:11at all because i have no brakes i wonder if my brakes are indeed breaking yeah because you don't know
00:46:19do you not really know oh stand back one minute 35.9 right now we just have to see which one of us
00:46:31gets closest to that time here we go
00:46:36wiper's not working okay this little bmw is when you win back your stripes it's been lowered i think
00:46:49you'll find it'll suddenly emerge as the star
00:46:56get out of the way you incompetent long-haired old spaniel i think this is chicago
00:47:02come on baby stone do your work holy moly these old 325 eyes they had semi-trailing arm rear suspension
00:47:15they were known as the third biggest killer of yuppies because of the tail happiness after quarter 911s
00:47:22and accidents involving racers here's the non-braking jeremy clarkson
00:47:28now go get hammond
00:47:36oh i think i'm wasting quite a lot of time being sideways here
00:47:41hammond was very easy to catch because whoever had lowered his car hadn't done a very good job
00:47:47he's got a wobble
00:47:48oh my car obviously isn't the fastest here but it seems to be the most stable
00:48:05in truth all of our ultimate driving machines had lost their edge
00:48:09oh dear but hammond's was in a class of its own
00:48:18he's gone he's so gone there
00:48:26there's a simple rule when you're buying a car demonstrated by hammond here if it's been modified
00:48:32especially if it's been lowered walk away
00:48:39i'm beginning to think jeremy's rather crude handling pack might be the answer
00:48:45with one lap to go we all decided to really go for it
00:48:50no no no no no no don't do that
00:48:52oh damn
00:48:57my seat's collapsed badly
00:49:00still could be worse
00:49:10yeah
00:49:14right
00:49:15well i hope i got a quick timing
00:49:17we'd find out soon enough because the results were in
00:49:20here they are write these other times remember the stig did it in 135
00:49:26james 155.4 me 155.3 is my best and jeremy your best 148.0 which means you win
00:49:39it's a hollow victory
00:49:40where's your car over there it's quite broken what's wrong with it well uh the rear hose
00:49:47let go sprayed water over the electrics which has shorted them out the exhaust manifold is cracked
00:49:53and the head's cooked you've killed it luckily for jeremy our next experiment didn't involve any
00:50:01movement over time the roof on a convertible will get baggy and start to leak so to see which of our
00:50:09cars leaks the most we've devised an ingenious test
00:50:15james is sitting in his car holding his breath because his car is full of gas now if the car leaks
00:50:22the gas will escape and when he needs to take a breath he'll be fine but if it doesn't leak the gas
00:50:27won't escape when he needs to take a breath he'll be in trouble so is it cyanide we're using no helium
00:50:34helium pure helium yeah might kill him yeah here we go he's brick he's breathing that's it come on
00:50:42whose idea was this test is bloody stupid idea it's a very good idea it's a brilliant
00:50:48about your car we know you sound like donald duck yeah okay because your car has done well
00:50:54given the contents of his car hammond quite enjoyed holding his breath
00:51:03ah you see mine's had a new
00:51:08i was not not a new roof fitted very well it's all gone
00:51:10it's just gone i really was expecting the full smurf then and it's not worth
00:51:18finally it was jeremy's turn
00:51:20he's gonna have to breathe he's done it he's done it right i just have to say that's the soup
00:51:27it is it's just how big your lungs are after this we got jeremy's car going
00:51:33and went to see a group of bmw specialists
00:51:39their job was to calculate the cost of returning each of our cars to showroom condition
00:51:44these cars of course come from a time when people fitted aftermarket stereos let me talk
00:51:53you through this one okay and here's the radio radio one radio two radio three radio four radio five
00:52:05we're quiet
00:52:09don't know what that is eventually the experts had finished their assessments
00:52:15who has the results for richard hammond's sewage farm seven and a half thousand pounds seven and a
00:52:21half thousand to put that into showroom condition sir you have the results for james's car around five
00:52:28and a half thousand five and a half so two thousand pounds less you just said well done i did i did
00:52:32you're a girl how much would mine cost to put into show well how many pence uh 11 000
00:52:40that's pounds not pence what a pile of junk why is it 11 000 pounds what possible reason is there for
00:52:48that oh oh it's blown away
00:52:56since none of our cars was really road worthy we decided at this point that the best thing we could
00:53:01do with them was form a stunt driving team we began by watching the experts
00:53:15how do they memorize the moves
00:53:16as a jay sir i can do all the moves individually i think
00:53:32it all looked terribly complicated and that was a worry because the next day we would be performing in
00:53:38in front of a live audience
00:53:45wow
00:53:49we're going to need to work on that we began by planning our moves on a blackboard
00:53:55that's the nose of the car that way yes he's pointing that way that's james now over here right that's
00:54:02jeremy and then here
00:54:09but those cars have jane and they've got james so it could be james took over if we had a numbering
00:54:15system so you go first certainly before me i cross behind you so everything goes through that point
00:54:19that's a sort of nodal point of the performance but his plans were a bit confusing
00:54:23sorry i'm i've lost which is my dotted line now that one no you were you were this one yeah that is
00:54:32that one nevertheless we wet the track to make it more slippery and got to work right here we go
00:54:39initially things didn't go well this is just a lot of driving a bag
00:54:52why have you gone over there sorry and then thanks to my awful brakes they got worse
00:55:00i'm not stopping i'm not stopping oh damn it
00:55:04it's despite everything though the next day we were ready to perform at one of the most prestigious
00:55:11venues in the country
00:55:18the essex county fair
00:55:23our cars had been given a new lick of paint and a zero hour approached we were in our motorhome
00:55:29rehearsing our moves go right so i ran here and through and i'm here handbrake this is my
00:55:36thing back forwards so we're facing the other way by then through the guys around you handbrake
00:55:41okay ready and then yeah right let's do it
00:55:52we're a bit like the red arrows pretty much it's quite an exciting moment when you think about it
00:55:59ladies and gentlemen introducing from tv's top gear the dicks of harlow's stunt driving team
00:56:05the capacity crowd was beside itself as the music signaled the start of our routine and we entered the arena
00:56:17we better deliver suddenly feel this is quite a responsibility
00:56:24down
00:56:29just remember that crossover
00:56:34ready steady go
00:56:39and turn
00:56:43now it is a shame we can't show you the rest of that film uh but we lost the tapes
00:56:55yes
00:56:56and even we did i know i had you lift them on a bus and then the dog
00:57:00don't get them yeah and that's no and it's a it is a wrong it's a massive shame because the rest of our
00:57:06routine was brilliant it's just a tragedy you can't see it but i do apologize yeah never mind
00:57:11though it does at least give us time to knock up a scoreboard and see who bought the best car so jeremy
00:57:16yes now in the uh naught to 100 and then uh naught again test james set the benchmark so he gets
00:57:23zero uh i got uh minus 281 and how many you got minus a thousand i didn't even take part that's why
00:57:30you get minus a thousand now forensics you get 10 points off for every disgusting thing that was found
00:57:36in your car now mine was crisps leaves and bits of my own skin so that's not really disgusting at
00:57:40all it's not james you were mucus scabs and saliva so you're minus 30. hammond you now let's get
00:57:50this straight you were saliva blood yeah but there was no mucus no mucus but there was pubic hair
00:57:56and then poo and that's a thousand so that's why do i get it minus a thousand for poo because
00:58:02poo's really disgusting you're going to get minus a thousand for that yeah we don't make the rules
00:58:08hammer now look the thief test jeremy your car wasn't stolen so you get naught yeah my car wasn't
00:58:16stolen so i get naught hammond your car was stolen yes um and you get minus a thousand do i how'd you
00:58:24get to that because it just is it's scientific this lap times you didn't get minus a thousand for
00:58:30that they're there now the gas test uh let's just get this straight no gas escape from my car so i get
00:58:36naught no gas escape from your car james so that's naught all of the gas escape from yours so that's
00:58:42minus let me guess yes you're right it's minus a thousand is it is it real yes absolutely now the
00:58:49restoration test here you lose a point for every pound it would take to get your car back to showroom
00:58:54condition now i as you would expect uh did best at this so i am minus five thousand five hundred
00:59:01points it's not being on qi this yeah go on hammond you are minus seven thousand five hundred points
00:59:08yeah it would be yep clarkson you are minus eleven thousand but you anyway right so what have you got
00:59:19james well i've won obviously yeah it's a given um you are minus uh eleven thousand two hundred and ninety
00:59:30three point one minus two thousand eleven thousand two hundred and ninety three point one so hammond this
00:59:36is tennis minus eleven thousand you know there's still i could still do it five hundred and four
00:59:42yes so really well done james but really two conclusions we can draw from this one all identical
00:59:54cars aren't necessarily identical some of them do have pubic hairs in them and poo and two
01:00:02richard hammond who buys more used cars than any man alive is useless at buying used cars
01:00:08and on that bombshell it's time to end see you next week take care good night
01:00:20a brand new series finds out the toughest place to be a paramedic here on bbc hd this evening at 10
01:00:26but first new drama up next with being human
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