- 3 months ago
In Episode 4 of Season 15, the presenters build their own holiday homes on wheels: Jeremy modifies a Land Rover, Richard converts a Citroën, and James adapts a Lotus. They then embark on a camping holiday in Cornwall to test practicality, comfort and chaos. Guest Bill Bailey takes on the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car segment.
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Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight, I wear a hat, Richard wears a hat, and James wears a hat.
00:00:30Hello, everybody. Hello, and welcome. Welcome. Thank you so much.
00:00:36Now, we start tonight with a letter.
00:00:42It's from a chap called Alan Massive Liar, and it says,
00:00:47Dear Jez Dick and Jim, I want a convertible supercar, but I only have £113,500 to spend.
00:00:57Can you help?
00:00:58Well, this is very timely, actually, because as it happens, no, we can't.
00:01:08This is the new Audi R8 V10 Spyder, which in this spec costs £113,500.
00:01:20And this is the new Porsche 911 turbo convertible,
00:01:24which, to all intents and purposes, costs £113,500.
00:01:31If it's speed you're after, the Audi looks like the better bet,
00:01:35because it is much, much more powerful.
00:01:38But because the Porsche is so much lighter,
00:01:42they both produce exactly 306 brake horsepower per tonne.
00:01:47If they were supermarkets, you'd do them for price fixing.
00:01:53There's more, too.
00:01:54They're both German, they're both four-wheel drive,
00:01:58and they both have hoods made from cloth rather than metal.
00:02:03So, let's see if they can be split in a drag race.
00:02:07Right, some numbers.
00:02:10I have a Lamborghini 5.2-litre V10,
00:02:15and I'm up against Porsche's brand-new 3.8-litre
00:02:19twin-turbocharged, direct-injected flat-six.
00:02:25This should be interesting.
00:02:263, 2, 1, go!
00:02:33And indeed, it is interesting.
00:02:36Iron Man's heavyweight iron car is losing
00:02:40to the lightweight one with the iron lung.
00:02:46But now let's see what happens if we swap drivers
00:02:50and do the race again.
00:02:52Go!
00:02:56Oh, no!
00:02:58Embarrassingly, this time round, the Audi was victorious.
00:03:05The reason that happened is simple.
00:03:07Four-wheel drive cars like these are notoriously difficult
00:03:11to get off the line quickly.
00:03:13If you do it well, you're going to win.
00:03:14If you do it badly, you're going to lose.
00:03:17So, really, in a short race like that,
00:03:19it's all down to the driver.
00:03:20The cars, predictably,
00:03:22almost exactly the same.
00:03:26They both do 0-60 in around 4 seconds.
00:03:33And flat out,
00:03:35they can both crack 190 miles an hour.
00:03:40So, in a straight line,
00:03:41there's nothing to choose between them.
00:03:43But what about in the corners?
00:03:45Well, it's the same story here,
00:03:54because they both have the same problem.
00:04:00You see, a normal car like this is strong,
00:04:03because the two ends are connected together
00:04:05by a roof and a floor.
00:04:08Two pieces of metal.
00:04:09Now, if you take the roof away,
00:04:11you end up with the big heavy engine here
00:04:13connected to the steering and suspension gubbins there
00:04:17by just the floor.
00:04:19That's like having two bricks
00:04:21joined together by a playing card.
00:04:23It's going to be all wobbly.
00:04:29To get round the problem,
00:04:31Audi has fitted the Spyder
00:04:32with lots of strengthening beams.
00:04:38Now, that sounds fine,
00:04:39but it's added 100 kilograms to the weight.
00:04:44Porsche, meanwhile,
00:04:45offers the turbo with active engine mounts,
00:04:47which make the engine
00:04:48part of the car's backbone.
00:04:51Sounds intriguing,
00:04:52but has it worked?
00:04:54In a word, yes.
00:05:00This is a million times better
00:05:02than the old 911 turbo convertible.
00:05:08Mind you, that isn't saying much,
00:05:10because other things
00:05:12that are a million times nicer
00:05:13than the old car
00:05:14include tuberculosis.
00:05:17and being on fire.
00:05:19Stuff like that.
00:05:23However,
00:05:25even though it is
00:05:26a big improvement,
00:05:27it is heavier
00:05:28than the coupe,
00:05:30and despite everything,
00:05:31it's still not as rigid.
00:05:35And just knowing that,
00:05:37it sort of spoils everything.
00:05:40So, what about the Audi?
00:05:41The hardtop R8 V10
00:05:50was one of the best cars
00:05:51I drove last year.
00:05:54And actually,
00:05:55in one important respect,
00:05:56this is even better.
00:05:58That noise.
00:06:01With no roof,
00:06:03you can hear it
00:06:04even more clearly.
00:06:05The only sound
00:06:14I can think of
00:06:15which is better than that
00:06:16is the sound of
00:06:18Peter Mandelson
00:06:19being attacked by bears.
00:06:23With that noise going on,
00:06:25it's very hard
00:06:26to detect the shimming
00:06:28and you really don't notice
00:06:29the extra weight.
00:06:30really it's like
00:06:36driving a car
00:06:37that has chlamydia.
00:06:39There are no symptoms,
00:06:40but you know it's there
00:06:41and that sort of
00:06:42spoils the relationship
00:06:45a bit.
00:06:48On the track then,
00:06:50both are good.
00:06:51But you get the sense
00:06:52that neither is as good
00:06:53as it could be.
00:06:55So, what about
00:06:56practical stuff
00:06:57such as
00:06:57what big speed
00:06:58convertibles like these
00:06:59can do if you have
00:07:00big hair?
00:07:04Now, ideally,
00:07:05to demonstrate this,
00:07:06we need James May,
00:07:07but sadly,
00:07:08he's busy today
00:07:09building a nuclear submarine
00:07:11out of Lego, probably.
00:07:12So, instead,
00:07:13we've got someone
00:07:14who looks just like him.
00:07:16Except for in
00:07:17every single detail.
00:07:21This is Lauren.
00:07:23She's spent all morning
00:07:24having her hair done
00:07:25and now we're going
00:07:26to see how it's affected
00:07:27via driving the Audi.
00:07:29Was it
00:07:30an expensive haircut?
00:07:32Yeah.
00:07:37This is probably
00:07:39how you imagine
00:07:39things will be
00:07:40if you have
00:07:41a convertible supercar.
00:07:42The smell of the scenery,
00:07:44groove armada
00:07:45in the stereo
00:07:46and a James May
00:07:47body double
00:07:48by your side.
00:07:50But the whole point
00:07:51of this car
00:07:52is speed
00:07:53and that changes
00:07:54everything.
00:07:58Oh, damn it!
00:07:59Oh, damn it!
00:08:02I'm reporting!
00:08:06Oh, my God!
00:08:09Oh, my God!
00:08:10Oh, God!
00:08:12In just two minutes,
00:08:13side-turned Lauren
00:08:15into a pop star
00:08:16from the 1980s.
00:08:18The Audi, then.
00:08:20Not a good hairstylist.
00:08:24Sadly,
00:08:25our attempts
00:08:26to see if the porter
00:08:26was any better
00:08:27ended prematurely.
00:08:30My eye!
00:08:31No, no,
00:08:32listen,
00:08:32a bee went in it.
00:08:34Let me have a look.
00:08:34No, the thing in my nose
00:08:36has a face!
00:08:37So, there we are.
00:08:41Set off for a weekend
00:08:41away with your wife
00:08:43in either of these cars
00:08:44and you'll arrive blind
00:08:45and with Bonnie Tyler
00:08:47in the passenger seat.
00:08:49Naming a winner, then,
00:08:50between these two cars
00:08:52is not that easy
00:08:53because, frankly,
00:08:54they both lose.
00:08:56Nothing I can say
00:08:58but totally glimpse
00:08:59of my heart
00:09:01I don't get it.
00:09:10So,
00:09:11I don't understand.
00:09:14So, what you're saying
00:09:15is they both lose?
00:09:16They both lose, yeah,
00:09:17because the R8,
00:09:18the hardtop,
00:09:18and the 9-11 hardtop,
00:09:20they're like
00:09:20poached halibut.
00:09:22Halibut.
00:09:22Halibut.
00:09:23Now, if you put HP sauce
00:09:25on delicious
00:09:26poached halibut,
00:09:27OK,
00:09:27you're going to ruin it.
00:09:28If you put HP sauce
00:09:30on a bacon sandwich,
00:09:31you're going to make it better.
00:09:33You are quite odd,
00:09:34you know that, don't you?
00:09:34It makes progress.
00:09:36It does make sense.
00:09:37Yeah,
00:09:37I think I sort of know
00:09:39what you're getting at
00:09:39because if you take
00:09:40the roof off an ordinary car
00:09:41like a Peugeot
00:09:42or a BMW 1 Series
00:09:44or something,
00:09:44no harm done.
00:09:45Absolutely.
00:09:45And if anything,
00:09:46you make it a bit better
00:09:46because there's a bit of drama.
00:09:47Quite.
00:09:48But with serious performance cars.
00:09:50Halibut.
00:09:51Whatever.
00:09:51Yeah.
00:09:52It's a different story.
00:09:53I mean,
00:09:53there are good reasons
00:09:54why there's never been
00:09:55a Eurofighter Typhoon cabriolet.
00:09:58Precisely.
00:09:59And that's...
00:10:00And having cleared that up,
00:10:01we must now find
00:10:02how fast these cars
00:10:03go around our track
00:10:04and that, of course,
00:10:05means handing them over
00:10:06to our tame racing driver.
00:10:08Some say that he's spent
00:10:10all week daydreaming
00:10:12about what Rubens Barrichello
00:10:13would look like
00:10:14in a hand slicer.
00:10:16and that he's terrified
00:10:20the BBC will reveal his salary
00:10:22because he's paid
00:10:24in strong pornography.
00:10:27All we know is
00:10:28he's called the Stig.
00:10:31And they're off.
00:10:32Stig fuelled by his
00:10:33fanatical hatred
00:10:35of Rubens Barrichello.
00:10:37Powering down
00:10:38toward the first corner.
00:10:39Here they are.
00:10:40And the Audi
00:10:41looks like
00:10:41it's getting a bit
00:10:42out of shape already.
00:10:43Yes, it is.
00:10:48Oh dear.
00:10:49Stig seems to have
00:10:50developed an obsession
00:10:50with the Bee Gees.
00:10:51Perhaps it's because
00:10:52they share a love
00:10:53of the white suit.
00:10:55Around Chicago,
00:10:56both dipping a wheel
00:10:57off the track.
00:10:58Now Hammerhead.
00:10:59Stig stamping on the brakes
00:11:00imagining it's the head
00:11:01of a Williams driver.
00:11:02Not Nico Hulkenberg,
00:11:03obviously.
00:11:059-11's kind of understeer,
00:11:06but no sign of it
00:11:07there at all.
00:11:08The Audi's in good shape too.
00:11:13I should say
00:11:14the Stig also
00:11:15dislikes convertible
00:11:16supercars because
00:11:16he always tries to
00:11:17keep his helmet
00:11:18out of the flies.
00:11:21I've just realised
00:11:22if these two go
00:11:23faster than their
00:11:23hardtop equivalents,
00:11:25I'm going to look
00:11:25like a massive idiot.
00:11:27They've just got
00:11:28Gambon to do now.
00:11:30Both round.
00:11:31And there we are
00:11:32across the line.
00:11:35Come on, next, though.
00:11:37No pressure.
00:11:38Here we go.
00:11:39Hang on, pressure.
00:11:41The Porsche 911
00:11:42turbo convertible
00:11:43did it in
00:11:44122.2 seconds,
00:11:47which is there.
00:11:49Well, hang on,
00:11:49where's the hardtop?
00:11:50We've never tested
00:11:51the hardtop.
00:11:51Which is lucky for you
00:11:52because if this was
00:11:53fast, hang on,
00:11:53we have done a
00:11:54hardtop Audi R8,
00:11:55though it's here.
00:11:56If this is faster
00:11:57than that,
00:11:57you are going to look,
00:11:58well, by your own
00:11:59admission,
00:11:59a massive idiot.
00:12:00Yes, I am.
00:12:01Jordan.
00:12:02121.6.
00:12:03Yeah.
00:12:04The convertible.
00:12:05Yeah.
00:12:05122.3.
00:12:07Oh, ho, ho, ho.
00:12:08Oh, jeez.
00:12:10You've got to worry
00:12:11about the skin of your teeth.
00:12:13Look how similar they are.
00:12:16Now,
00:12:17before we do the news,
00:12:20I'd just like to conduct
00:12:22a quick loyalty test.
00:12:23As I'm sure you know,
00:12:25last week there was
00:12:25some sort of football match
00:12:26on at the same time as us,
00:12:28so I just wondered,
00:12:29who watched Top Gear
00:12:30last week?
00:12:31Hands up.
00:12:32I did.
00:12:33Yeah, yeah.
00:12:34I did, it was great.
00:12:35Jeremy, you?
00:12:35I couldn't watch it.
00:12:37Well, I'll be honest,
00:12:39I found the bit with
00:12:39the wedding pretty
00:12:40cringeworthy,
00:12:41but I sort of,
00:12:41I struggled on it.
00:12:42No, I couldn't watch it
00:12:43because I was in
00:12:44Johannesburg.
00:12:45Watching the final.
00:12:46Yes.
00:12:47Oh, great.
00:12:48So the one week
00:12:49when we wanted to call
00:12:50in a bit of loyalty,
00:12:51and you decided instead
00:12:52to go to South Africa
00:12:53and watch a Dutchman
00:12:54kick a Spaniel in the heart.
00:12:55Yes, I did.
00:12:55But I have brought
00:12:58one of these back.
00:12:59Oh, God.
00:13:01Oh, great.
00:13:02Two long, noisy things.
00:13:04That's just one.
00:13:04One long, noisy thing.
00:13:06They don't work.
00:13:08They don't.
00:13:08Look.
00:13:12What was all the fuss about then?
00:13:16I thought they were
00:13:17terrifyingly loud.
00:13:18Well, I mean,
00:13:18I might have drunk
00:13:19some tequila through it,
00:13:20I admit, after the match,
00:13:22but it doesn't work.
00:13:23You won't be.
00:13:24You've got a degree.
00:13:25If you play a solo,
00:13:28I'll kick you.
00:13:37That wouldn't disturb
00:13:38a game of chess,
00:13:39let alone a football match.
00:13:43It doesn't work.
00:13:44It sounds orange, anyway.
00:13:45Why is it?
00:13:46Oh, I was supporting the Dutch.
00:13:47Why were you supporting the Dutch?
00:13:49Because the Dutch watch
00:13:49Toggear,
00:13:50and the Spanish don't.
00:13:51Simple as that.
00:13:52And you don't watch
00:13:52Toggear in your house,
00:13:53either, do you?
00:13:54Have a flowering
00:13:54time for that.
00:13:55Yes.
00:13:56Can we do the news?
00:13:57Okay, a university
00:13:58in Virginia,
00:13:59which is in America,
00:14:01has come up with a car,
00:14:02right,
00:14:02which can be driven by...
00:14:04Um, dead people.
00:14:05Nope.
00:14:06Bats.
00:14:07That's pretty stupid.
00:14:09No, actually,
00:14:09he's nearly right with bats.
00:14:11It can be driven by blind people.
00:14:12Really?
00:14:13No, no,
00:14:13I've got a photograph of it here.
00:14:15The inventors say
00:14:16it's always been wrongly assumed
00:14:18that blind people can't drive.
00:14:21Well, they can't.
00:14:22Yeah, realistically, they can't.
00:14:23Blind people can drive,
00:14:24just mostly into things.
00:14:26Okay?
00:14:26Now, this is where this comes in.
00:14:28It's got kind of lasers
00:14:29and radar on it,
00:14:30and they feed news
00:14:31of impending disaster
00:14:32to the driver
00:14:34via compressed air
00:14:35and a vibrating vest.
00:14:37Vest.
00:14:37Vest.
00:14:38Right.
00:14:38But what happens
00:14:39if you put your vest on backwards
00:14:41because you can't see the label
00:14:42because, well, no offence,
00:14:43but you're blind,
00:14:44so, and then it'll say left
00:14:46when it means right
00:14:46and you'll crash.
00:14:47No, I think it's important
00:14:49that people do whatever they can
00:14:50to help disabled people, right?
00:14:52That's important.
00:14:53But I just can't see that working.
00:14:55I don't...
00:14:56I'm not sure.
00:14:57It's far too complicated.
00:14:58Why don't they just take up my idea
00:15:00and teach dogs to drive?
00:15:01Now, James,
00:15:02dogs, no, can't drive.
00:15:05No, thank you, James.
00:15:06Animal Hospital next week,
00:15:07presented by The Idiot.
00:15:09I think it's OK.
00:15:10Now, this system
00:15:10on this sort of buggy
00:15:12was developed by students.
00:15:14Volvo, a byword for safety,
00:15:16has now developed
00:15:17a similar system, OK?
00:15:18And they recently invited
00:15:20all the world's press
00:15:21over to Sweden
00:15:22to have a look at a system
00:15:22which, you know,
00:15:23it basically sees the obstacle.
00:15:25If it thinks the driver's
00:15:26not concentrating,
00:15:27will fall asleep...
00:15:27Or he's blind.
00:15:28Or he's blind,
00:15:29it will break for you.
00:15:30So, here's their test, OK?
00:15:32This was just a couple of weeks ago.
00:15:33LAUGHTER
00:15:38Now, there was a report out the other week
00:15:45about dangerous roads in Britain
00:15:47and there were some incredible statistics in it.
00:15:50Half of all the crashes in Britain
00:15:52happen on 10% of the roads, OK?
00:15:56Now, one of the most dangerous roads
00:15:57is this one.
00:15:57It's the A...
00:15:58something or other,
00:15:59537 near Macclesfield.
00:16:00And most of the roads
00:16:01that are in the sort of
00:16:02most dangerous category
00:16:03are bikers' roads.
00:16:04Oh, here we go.
00:16:06Have a go at bikers' time, isn't it?
00:16:07It's been a while.
00:16:08Go on, then, kick us.
00:16:09Let me give you this, right?
00:16:10Yes.
00:16:10One in four fatal,
00:16:12serious accidents
00:16:13on an A road
00:16:13involves a bike.
00:16:15Now, there are only
00:16:16eight bikes
00:16:17on the road of Britain
00:16:18and they're involved
00:16:19in a quarter of all crashes.
00:16:20Well, it's not...
00:16:21In terms of miles covered,
00:16:23they're more dangerous
00:16:24than puff adders.
00:16:26If you've got one of those
00:16:27Suzuki black boosters...
00:16:29Hayabusa.
00:16:30Whatever.
00:16:31See, black boosters
00:16:31sounds like a sex toy,
00:16:32doesn't it?
00:16:32I think it probably is, yeah.
00:16:33It's Hayabusa.
00:16:34OK, so you drive that
00:16:36on average about
00:16:36ten times a year.
00:16:38Yes.
00:16:38Statistically, you will be killed
00:16:40three times
00:16:41every time you go out.
00:16:43Don't give me
00:16:43another statistic, right?
00:16:44The average age
00:16:45at which a biker is killed
00:16:46is 35.
00:16:48Ah-ha!
00:16:49What?
00:16:49I'm 47.
00:16:52That means you've been
00:16:53living on borrowed time
00:16:54for 12 years.
00:16:55No, no.
00:16:56For 12 years,
00:16:57he's been riding his bike
00:16:58perfectly perpendicular
00:16:59to the road.
00:17:00He does, actually.
00:17:00Honestly.
00:17:02We left here,
00:17:02we left here the other day.
00:17:04I've seen faster moving
00:17:05icebergs than you.
00:17:07We got behind a bus
00:17:08going up to the A3
00:17:09from here
00:17:10and he sat
00:17:10behind the bus
00:17:11the entire way.
00:17:13Oh, I'm going along.
00:17:14He did.
00:17:16That's because, Jeremy,
00:17:17the bus said
00:17:18Guildford on the front
00:17:19and that's where
00:17:19I wanted to go.
00:17:20LAUGHTER
00:17:23Can I just say,
00:17:29on the roads around
00:17:30where I...
00:17:30Anyone else live
00:17:31in the Cotswolds
00:17:31around here?
00:17:32You do.
00:17:33Have you seen those roads
00:17:34where it says
00:17:34Bikers Beware?
00:17:36What does that mean?
00:17:37Does that mean
00:17:37I'm supposed to beware
00:17:38of them?
00:17:39The point about
00:17:39the Bikers Beware sign
00:17:40is it's sign shorthand
00:17:42so you can read it
00:17:43at speed.
00:17:44There's no point
00:17:44making a sign saying
00:17:45Motorcyclist,
00:17:47have you considered
00:17:48that there may be
00:17:48a cantankerous,
00:17:49pig-headed,
00:17:50middle-aged man
00:17:51with pews for hair
00:17:52driving around
00:17:53on a stupidly
00:17:53overpowered Mercedes
00:17:54that should be
00:17:55a four-seater
00:17:55but hasn't got
00:17:56a back seat
00:17:56and yet cost twice
00:17:57as much
00:17:58because if there is,
00:17:59you could be at risk.
00:18:00The side will be in force.
00:18:01Why don't they just say
00:18:02Bikers Go Home?
00:18:04Anyone here a biker?
00:18:05Oh, God.
00:18:06Well done!
00:18:07All right, so, eight.
00:18:0942 set off.
00:18:11Listen, you want to talk
00:18:11dangerous?
00:18:12What?
00:18:13Cigarette, Jeremy.
00:18:13Why not?
00:18:14I'll do your bet.
00:18:16After the show tonight,
00:18:17you can all come and watch.
00:18:18After the show,
00:18:18you get onto your black booster,
00:18:20you ride around the track
00:18:22as fast as you can
00:18:23and I'll chain-smoke
00:18:24and we'll see who dies first.
00:18:27You're right.
00:18:32Anyway, that is the end of the news
00:18:38and we must move on.
00:18:39As we know,
00:18:41caravans are a menace.
00:18:42We all know that.
00:18:43And the reason for this
00:18:44is very simple.
00:18:45Nobody who tows a caravan
00:18:46has had any training
00:18:47which means they're a bit frightened,
00:18:49which means they drive slowly
00:18:50and that means
00:18:51they clog up
00:18:52the British countryside
00:18:53all summer long.
00:18:55Motor homes
00:18:56would appear to be
00:18:57a better option
00:18:57but here we have a problem
00:18:59because there are only
00:19:00really two types.
00:19:02There is the American RV
00:19:04which is extremely cool
00:19:06but far too large, really,
00:19:08for European roads.
00:19:09And then there is
00:19:10the British alternative
00:19:11which is much smaller.
00:19:12It's much easier
00:19:15to drive on our roads
00:19:15but it really is
00:19:16rather tragic.
00:19:17Yeah, so with that in mind
00:19:19our producers
00:19:20came up with a plan.
00:19:21They said we each
00:19:22had to build
00:19:23our own motorhome
00:19:24which would be
00:19:25small enough
00:19:25to work in Europe
00:19:26but still cool.
00:19:28The rules were simple.
00:19:29Whatever we made
00:19:29had to have
00:19:31sleeping accommodation,
00:19:32cooking facilities
00:19:32and a bog.
00:19:34And then they said
00:19:34once we'd finished them
00:19:35we had to meet up
00:19:37for a series of challenges.
00:19:38Our meeting point
00:19:43was fleet services
00:19:44on the M3
00:19:45and Richard
00:19:48was the first to arrive.
00:19:54And there it is.
00:19:55I am genuinely,
00:19:57genuinely proud of this.
00:19:59But before I had a chance
00:20:00to talk you through
00:20:01my Land Rover
00:20:02Jeremy arrived.
00:20:05What?
00:20:05In what appeared
00:20:08to be a block
00:20:09of flats
00:20:10on top of an old Citroen.
00:20:13Whoa!
00:20:14Whoa!
00:20:16Look at it!
00:20:18Come on.
00:20:21It's enormous!
00:20:22It's absolutely superb.
00:20:24Do you ever watch
00:20:25Grand Designs?
00:20:26Yes.
00:20:26Yeah?
00:20:27You do?
00:20:27Kevin MacLeod, yeah.
00:20:28Yes, Kevin MacLeod, yeah.
00:20:29Every single thing
00:20:30they build looks like this.
00:20:31The indented windows.
00:20:32It's modern.
00:20:33It's crisp.
00:20:34No, he'd love it.
00:20:35He'd love to ask
00:20:36which cock
00:20:37stuck that on top
00:20:38of a Citroen.
00:20:39Do you?
00:20:42To try and bring
00:20:43Richard round,
00:20:44I showed him my interior.
00:20:47Wow!
00:20:48It's three-story.
00:20:50Japanese contemplation area
00:20:53here.
00:20:53Very useful.
00:20:55Upstairs,
00:20:56two hammocks
00:20:57and four cooking facilities
00:20:59with a grill.
00:20:59With the tour over,
00:21:02Kevin MacLeod
00:21:03turned his attention
00:21:04to my Land Rover.
00:21:06This is hideous.
00:21:08It's stone effect,
00:21:09which is right
00:21:10for the whole Land Rover thing.
00:21:11It's...
00:21:11It's hideous.
00:21:14Baggy...
00:21:14Yes.
00:21:16It's perfect, you see.
00:21:18Please tell me
00:21:19this is not real.
00:21:20Yes, it is.
00:21:21Yes, it is.
00:21:21Entirely.
00:21:22If you need it,
00:21:23it's there for you.
00:21:23You're joking.
00:21:24No, no.
00:21:25If you need it,
00:21:26it's there.
00:21:28All we had to do then
00:21:29was wait for James.
00:21:31I have to say,
00:21:33Land Rover
00:21:34famed for its reliability.
00:21:36No, wait,
00:21:37not reliability.
00:21:37No.
00:21:38And Citroen famed for...
00:21:40The same problem.
00:21:40The same problem.
00:21:41If James turns up
00:21:42in an Alpha,
00:21:44we really have
00:21:44completed the set.
00:21:45We'll have the lot.
00:21:47But James
00:21:48didn't turn up
00:21:49in an Alpha
00:21:49because he'd thought
00:21:51of something
00:21:51even more unreliable.
00:21:54Whoa!
00:21:55It's an old Lotus
00:21:56with a roof box.
00:21:57I didn't expect that.
00:22:00Wow!
00:22:01Wow!
00:22:02That's...
00:22:02You haven't got
00:22:03the idea of it at all?
00:22:04No.
00:22:05No, no, no, no.
00:22:05This,
00:22:06I don't like to be immodest,
00:22:07but this is actually
00:22:08a very good idea.
00:22:09This is inspired
00:22:10by the work
00:22:11of the Pioneer aviators.
00:22:13It's extremely light.
00:22:14It's brilliant.
00:22:15Hammond,
00:22:16it's a roof box
00:22:18with a sleeping bag in it.
00:22:20Yeah.
00:22:20Where's your bog?
00:22:21There.
00:22:23Oh, where your head is.
00:22:24And how do you go on that?
00:22:26The roof goes up.
00:22:27How does it go up?
00:22:28It's on telescopic things.
00:22:30It's not a motorhome.
00:22:31It is.
00:22:32It's a motorhome
00:22:33with accommodation on it.
00:22:34What's this?
00:22:35Why's it got that?
00:22:36Stability.
00:22:37Rubbish.
00:22:39Storage.
00:22:41That's it.
00:22:41That's...
00:22:42What do you need?
00:22:43A tin opener
00:22:44and a vegetable cleaner.
00:22:45That's neat.
00:22:45I like that.
00:22:46That's neat.
00:22:46There's another one
00:22:47on the other side
00:22:47with toiletries.
00:22:49James was then keen
00:22:51to inspect Hammond's.
00:22:53This is a Land Rover
00:22:54with the curtains
00:22:55on the outside.
00:22:56Now, listen...
00:22:57I don't understand this.
00:22:59Look, because...
00:22:59There will be opportunity,
00:23:01I'm sure,
00:23:01for me to demonstrate
00:23:02the way this works.
00:23:03I've taken inspiration
00:23:04from the American motorhomes
00:23:05that slide out of the sides.
00:23:07Have you?
00:23:07So this gets bigger.
00:23:10How does it get bigger?
00:23:11A lot bigger.
00:23:11You'll see.
00:23:12At this point,
00:23:13we were interrupted
00:23:14by the arrival
00:23:15of a challenge.
00:23:17Oh, hello.
00:23:17It falls over.
00:23:18Hello, hello.
00:23:20Here we go.
00:23:20This is it.
00:23:21It says,
00:23:22you are going
00:23:22on a camping holiday.
00:23:23Yes!
00:23:24That's a win.
00:23:25Where?
00:23:25He loves camping.
00:23:26Oh, yeah.
00:23:27In Cornwall.
00:23:28Yeah!
00:23:30That's going to be great.
00:23:31What's great about Cornwall?
00:23:32Cornwall's lovely.
00:23:34You'll have sand in your food.
00:23:35You'll be freezing cold
00:23:36if you go anywhere near the sea.
00:23:38Yeah, but the food
00:23:38will be stuff you'll recognize.
00:23:40You'll be able
00:23:40to read the road signs.
00:23:41Why don't we go to France?
00:23:43Can I finish the challenge?
00:23:44Stop being a wimp.
00:23:47You are going,
00:23:48are going on a camping holiday
00:23:50in Cornwall.
00:23:51This is 215 miles
00:23:53from where you are now.
00:23:54It's going to be great fun.
00:23:55It's a win, win, win.
00:23:56I'm going camping,
00:23:57my favorite activity,
00:23:58in my favorite weather.
00:24:01It's my best day ever.
00:24:02So, with my heart singing,
00:24:06it was time to show the world
00:24:07that a new era
00:24:08in motorhoming
00:24:09had begun.
00:24:11We roll.
00:24:13There we go.
00:24:13So, just to recap, viewers,
00:24:28what I'm doing now
00:24:29is going for a nice drive
00:24:30down to Cornwall
00:24:31in my Lotus.
00:24:32There is no impression
00:24:34whatsoever
00:24:35of there being anything
00:24:36on the roof.
00:24:36That weighs less than me.
00:24:39And that's the point.
00:24:40Lightness.
00:24:41I'm preserving motoring pleasure
00:24:43for the camper vanist.
00:24:46Sadly,
00:24:46when the Land Rover
00:24:47got up to speed,
00:24:48I realized there was
00:24:49a bit of a design flaw.
00:24:52In modifying this particular example,
00:24:55in cutting away the bodywork
00:24:56to create this,
00:24:58I have left a slight gap
00:24:59sort of all around here.
00:25:02And there is quite a draft.
00:25:04It is quite chilly.
00:25:06Mind you,
00:25:07compared to Jeremy's design flaw...
00:25:09Oh, my God!
00:25:15No!
00:25:16This is terrifying!
00:25:18It's an...
00:25:19I can't begin to describe
00:25:20what this feels like.
00:25:21It's...
00:25:21It's...
00:25:22OK.
00:25:23Wallowing quite madly.
00:25:25I asked James
00:25:26to pull in behind
00:25:27and assess the gravity
00:25:28of the situation.
00:25:30But he wasn't much help.
00:25:31And to be honest,
00:25:38nor was Hammond.
00:25:40He's dead!
00:25:45I've cocked up.
00:25:47I know I've cocked up.
00:25:48Hello, Prince!
00:25:51Jeremy,
00:25:52did you make a note
00:25:53of how tall it actually is?
00:25:55No, I didn't.
00:25:58Yes.
00:25:59He hasn't got a clue.
00:26:01Oh!
00:26:02As Jeremy screamed his way
00:26:04onto the A303...
00:26:06All was well in the Lotus.
00:26:10I know people have a bit
00:26:11of a downer on Lotus
00:26:12and believe that they're
00:26:13hideously unreliable.
00:26:14But really,
00:26:15there's absolutely
00:26:16nothing wrong with this car.
00:26:18Apart from a little bit
00:26:19of electrical infidelity.
00:26:21And the clock.
00:26:23I mean, it works,
00:26:23but only the minute hand works.
00:26:25So I know it's quarter two.
00:26:26I just don't know
00:26:27what it's quarter two to.
00:26:31OK, I'm going to operate
00:26:32the heater controls.
00:26:33Now, Land Rover heaters
00:26:34are not their best feature,
00:26:37if I'm honest.
00:26:39That's on full.
00:26:41I can't feel it at all.
00:26:42In the leaning tower of Citroen,
00:26:46I was starting to relax a bit.
00:26:49She's very pretty.
00:26:52She just liked it.
00:26:53She wouldn't like to go in Hammonds
00:26:54because that's stupid.
00:26:57Woo!
00:26:58Woo!
00:26:58Woo!
00:27:03Woo!
00:27:05Jeremy, can I just say,
00:27:07this is the biggest entertainment
00:27:09I've had on a road journey
00:27:10in my whole life.
00:27:11It's absolutely hilarious.
00:27:14It wasn't hilarious, though.
00:27:16And since Hammond's cottage
00:27:17was now suffering from subsidence,
00:27:19we pulled in for some bodging.
00:27:23Hammond?
00:27:24Yeah?
00:27:24We've done 20 miles.
00:27:26Oh, yeah.
00:27:26We'll have to stop nine times
00:27:28to rebuild your shed
00:27:29before we get there.
00:27:30No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:27:31In a matter of moments,
00:27:32I'd mended
00:27:33the Citroen's trellic attachment.
00:27:35The problem was
00:27:37the air was hitting
00:27:38this massive slab here,
00:27:40forcing the whole car back
00:27:42and lifting the front wheels
00:27:43off the ground.
00:27:44So I've taken out this window.
00:27:46The air will now go in there
00:27:47and then I've removed the rear door
00:27:50so it can come out here.
00:27:5420,
00:27:5530.
00:27:58Oh, yeah.
00:27:59That's just massively improved.
00:28:01No, it's made no difference.
00:28:09Make it stop.
00:28:11Right, now, we've done about 30 miles.
00:28:15180-something to go.
00:28:20Amazingly, the convoy did keep going
00:28:22until eventually we pulled in
00:28:24for a fuel stop.
00:28:26OK, now, this is a bit of a faff.
00:28:31Ow.
00:28:31Oh.
00:28:38Hammond?
00:28:38Yes?
00:28:40I may have made a mistake.
00:28:41Where?
00:28:42Well, I added this escape chute
00:28:45so that I can go from my
00:28:46aeroplane fuselage
00:28:48into the back seat of the car.
00:28:49Yes.
00:28:50Which is here.
00:28:50It's very good.
00:28:52But I've covered up the filler flap.
00:28:57Oh, my God, Jeremy, no!
00:28:58No, no, no, no.
00:28:59What?
00:29:00Seriously, you're going to hit it?
00:29:01Yeah, that's quite close.
00:29:03Yeah, but unlike your two cars...
00:29:06Yes.
00:29:07Ready?
00:29:12Ha-ha!
00:29:13Oh, yes.
00:29:15Yes!
00:29:17Soon, refuelling was underway.
00:29:23Here we go.
00:29:24That's an all-new...
00:29:25I've never seen a lockable fuel filler cat
00:29:35where you need to saw it.
00:29:36It's very secure.
00:29:40Refuelling over, we headed on our way.
00:29:43And several perilous miles later...
00:29:45We've finally reached Cornwall.
00:29:54Paul's F, that's where we're going.
00:29:56Ooh, I've got all the excitement you get as a kid
00:29:59on a family holiday,
00:30:00winding round little roads,
00:30:03the odd blooms of the sea.
00:30:05We're on the go now, pretty much seven hours.
00:30:09Could have flown to New York in that time.
00:30:11But, no, here, drizzled, cold, frightened.
00:30:17And all I have to look forward to is camping with a lunatic and a retard.
00:30:24But then...
00:30:24Oh, no.
00:30:27I've got a warning light.
00:30:30Guys, I've got a warning light on the dashboard.
00:30:32It says, stop.
00:30:33As you'd expect, the happy campers chose to ignore my distress signal.
00:30:40Oh, yeah.
00:30:41That looks a suitable holiday destination.
00:30:44I think so.
00:30:48Holy moly!
00:30:51What manner of terrible thing has happened under my bonnet?
00:30:56It's actually had diarrhoea, is what's happened here.
00:30:59At the campsite, I settled down
00:31:03to watch Hammond's creation take shape.
00:31:11Yeah.
00:31:12Oh, yeah.
00:31:17Ow!
00:31:22You're brave.
00:31:24Do you want some help?
00:31:25Nope.
00:31:27I'll need to make a one-man job this.
00:31:29Having got the block of flats going again,
00:31:34Jeremy eventually joined us.
00:31:36This is gripping.
00:31:38Ah!
00:31:40What are you doing?
00:31:41Finishing touches.
00:31:44In Hammond's head, his build was coming along nicely.
00:31:48But it wasn't.
00:31:50No.
00:31:52And an hour later, Jeremy and I were bored.
00:31:56Is there a pub?
00:31:57There was.
00:31:58So we went to it, leaving Hammond to carry on building.
00:32:01I see this as a sort of club room.
00:32:05Darts.
00:32:07Hang on out of your mates.
00:32:10Oh, yes.
00:32:12There it is.
00:32:14Shall we order Hammond something?
00:32:16I'm thinking of the beer-battered fishes,
00:32:18pea puree, tartar sauce, and real chipped out-locked beer,
00:32:21out-locked better than out-locked fish, out-locked fish.
00:32:24He doesn't like fish.
00:32:25He doesn't eat fish.
00:32:25He doesn't fish.
00:32:26No, no, he doesn't eat fish.
00:32:27He might eat a free-range egg.
00:32:32Back at base, the wind was getting up.
00:32:36Pardon.
00:32:42That bit's slightly too short.
00:32:43When we got back from the pub, Hammond was still going.
00:32:53Is this his motorhome?
00:32:55I don't believe that that...
00:32:56That is outrageous.
00:32:58Come in, dude, come in.
00:33:00This is the bed.
00:33:02Forms a centre...
00:33:02Sorry.
00:33:03Sorry.
00:33:04I'll give you a quick squeeze round, if you like.
00:33:06Yeah, sure.
00:33:06This is the library here.
00:33:08So you've got a library?
00:33:09Library.
00:33:10This is the dining room, waiting dining room furniture.
00:33:14Bloody...
00:33:14In here, this...
00:33:15Oh, ****, mind that.
00:33:17Yeah.
00:33:18What's in here?
00:33:20That's huge.
00:33:22Actually, that's bedroom.
00:33:23That's a child's bedroom.
00:33:24Look.
00:33:25What's this?
00:33:25This is lovely.
00:33:26Look at this.
00:33:27He's got an ancestral portrait.
00:33:28Yes, I have.
00:33:29A great-uncle, great-uncle tall in there.
00:33:32Just a minute.
00:33:33This is great-uncle yourself.
00:33:35Yeah.
00:33:35Just a look.
00:33:36With the very lengthy tour over, it was time to get some sleep.
00:33:47These are my nightclothes that I like to wear.
00:33:53There we go.
00:33:59No!
00:34:02Still, could be worse.
00:34:06Oh, God!
00:34:22Dave, thank you so much.
00:34:25Now, we'll pick that up later on, but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
00:34:33Now, my guest tonight is actually a caravan enthusiast, but unlike any other caravan enthusiast, he also starred in The Godfather, and Oceans 11, 12, and 13, and once he had his head cut off.
00:34:47Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Garcia!
00:34:49What?
00:34:49Whoa!
00:34:50Hello!
00:34:50Hello!
00:34:50Thank you very much.
00:34:51Thank you!
00:34:51Thank you very much.
00:34:52I love England.
00:34:53Well, you see, you've won their hearts already, because I'm always fascinated when we do occasionally have big Hollywood stars come on the show.
00:35:08already because I'm always fascinated when we do occasionally have big Hollywood
00:35:13stars come on the show please please well know what it feels like when you get
00:35:16here because I'm presumed when you go on American chat shows it's all red carpets
00:35:20and men with mascara and shiny teeth like you know and you come down here and
00:35:26it's a kind of windswept airfield and there's a man with a white helmet on who
00:35:30won't speak to you and then of course we put you into a car with a steering wheel
00:35:32along what you perceive to be the wrong side and make you drive around a track
00:35:35was it fun you enjoyed it I enjoyed it very much you know I had it I drive
00:35:39stick but you know obviously with with a different hand but yeah yeah I do a lot
00:35:43of things with both hands so I'm pretty
00:35:49she's gone boy red look so is he we've actually got a clip which I really want
00:35:57to start off with one of your first attempts to practice laps which nearly
00:36:01resulted in the death of the stake would anybody here like to see that
00:36:05yeah okay let's just have a look at this before we get cracking here we come up to
00:36:11a gambol corner a little wide and really very wide indeed there isn't I never liked it from the
00:36:20start you didn't like him he is actually Dino yes it's very rude if someone talks to you
00:36:26never shows you his face now obviously but with the first thing I noticed if you you've arrived
00:36:32with a face hair that's what I'd gonna say it's all my it actually peels off does it really no it
00:36:40doesn't is this for a movie I presume why else would you wear a thing like this yeah now we're sorting
00:36:47out the issue of motorhomes tonight I think what you would call RVs right I understand you are a caravan
00:36:53enthusiast I have an airstream trailer this is the chrome the chrome silver bullet looking and this
00:37:00in this case is it's a large one it's 34 feet just fantastic the thing about an airstream is it looks
00:37:05very good but you still have to crap in a bucket yeah like that piece of you provided for me over here
00:37:12there's hot water in there somewhere no there isn't no um you are actually joking aside you
00:37:21are a family man I mean you want a very close family I would say was that four kids four three
00:37:26girls first and that little boy who started all over again and your daughter Dominic yes she's in
00:37:32your new film together she's in City Island which opens on Friday the 23rd you're allowed to do that
00:37:38and what's it about is that so you it's a farce would that be what we it's uh human comedy you
00:37:44know about this dysfunctional Italian American family and all the secrets they share they harbor
00:37:48from each other and it's a wonderful story and we we're very proud of the film well we've got a clip
00:37:52of it which I'd like to show so look at this clip I was thinking this you know being a Saturday
00:37:57night and all and Vivian's here why don't we have a big home-cooked dinner tonight big nice yeah sure
00:38:03like I do every Saturday night yeah but like you know something special you know like like for a
00:38:09real special occasion something special something nice you want balloons or something no I don't
00:38:16want balloons or something I'm just saying something nice when don't I make it nice make something
00:38:20nicer make it yourself okay Vivian I've got to ask you are your breasts continuing to grow
00:38:27what Vince what does have a point there sweetie I mean do seem to be getting a little larger in that
00:38:34air this is a girl who in real life you nevertheless I have keys to your house is that right she reminded
00:38:45me of that recently I never gave her keys to the house because I always wanted her to you know when
00:38:50she knocked I would come downstairs and open the door and that's a good idea I'm gonna confiscate my
00:38:55daughter's keys immediately yes so she always comes in at three which is really awkward yeah
00:38:59now obviously you have been in very many big films over the years I mean we've mentioned some the
00:39:05untouchables obviously Black Ray and I think not a lot of people realize this because I because of the
00:39:09Godfather they assume you must be Italian but you were actually born in Cuba I was born in Cuba and I
00:39:14left two and a half years after the revolution I was five and a half years old and how did you get
00:39:18out how did it work we were the summer sort of the last sort of they call freedom flights before
00:39:22they shut the country completely down and you had to leave at that point in an inner tube or
00:39:28interestingly enough there's been cases where they've turned old cars into actual floating
00:39:34amphibious I don't know where they got the idea for that from I can't imagine I know you guys explored
00:39:40that but it's true they have found you know big Buicks or flatbed trucks floating across the Florida
00:39:45Straits with a with a the ingenuity though in Cuba to keep those big old American cars going is just they
00:39:51make brake fluid out of shampoo and alcohol yeah and brake pads out of asbestos I saw a documentary
00:39:58of one car documentary there was a gentleman mixing asbestos with his hands and mixing it to create then
00:40:05the pad for the brakes and they said you know this can kill you and he said yes I know but how do I do
00:40:10as much how do I provide for my family if I don't do this I mean what a life you know because imagine what
00:40:15life would have been like that if you if your parents hadn't got you out I was very lucky I was very
00:40:19lucky are you familiar with that story of the Cuban Grand Prix in 50 yes no yes it was a kidnapping of
00:40:24Juan Manuel Fangio the famous Argentinian race car driver and he was kidnapped by the Cuban
00:40:30revolutionaries they released them after the Grand Prix and they said why'd they kidnap you he said for
00:40:38publicity because they treat you badly because no they were perfect gentlemen there's one of those
00:40:43amazing stories of you know fighting who used to put before a race you go to a turn and analyze a
00:40:48turn and he'd put like a big silver dollar you know or Cuban big pace or something and then bet
00:40:54people that in that turn he was gonna run it over and he was a great proponent of the four-wheel drift
00:40:59so it's a hit a silver dollar while doing a four-wheel drift so do you drive some big old American
00:41:04Chevy then that you keep going with shampoo and things in the states will you know I I have a
00:41:09little Porsche then that I drive a 4s 2006 or something so no Prius no Prius good man good
00:41:18no no you're very welcome here you see that no Prius I'm all for for clean diesel and hybrids and all
00:41:29that but not a price it's not a price you don't want to have a Peugeot is a diesel wagon 504 diesel
00:41:36wagon there was a beautiful car couldn't make its way over the hill in Hollywood but but it
00:41:41rolled beautifully on the highway in fifth gear just would quiet down and you put like $20 of
00:41:46diesel and then it lasts for like 14 months and they had beautiful lines that car had beautiful lines I
00:41:53miss the car if anybody's watching the show that bought my car please I want to buy it back yeah okay
00:41:58that's well 504 diesel anyone got one no I didn't think so anyway so competition wise have you ever
00:42:06done any track driving no never never and you'd never driven the car with the never lever on that
00:42:12so never so this was all an entirely new thing for you out there who would like to see Andy's lab
00:42:17let's have a look then come on let's put it up
00:42:21here we go in the brown c apostrophe d are you pleased with that good start yeah you were
00:42:29you actually look quite sinister with that mistake tell me about it just say let's have a look through
00:42:33the first corner that's taming its understeer nicely there that's very good running a bit wide
00:42:40everybody does though forget to break no good idea in chicago again it does run wide that car very safe very
00:42:48brown slow hammerhead very tricky corner here though it's a quick left quick right that's very well done
00:42:56no that was excellent thank you sir oh it's slow on the gear change this is my lab baby sounds quite yeah I
00:43:06didn't know that I didn't know that Groucho Marx knew how to drive yeah it is there wasn't there slightly
00:43:11marks external that's very quick now you got the tricky corner so far this is where most of our
00:43:20celebrities go off but that was nicely handled do you get gambon right this time let's have a look
00:43:25beautifully cut taking the actual gambon line and there we are
00:43:30well done
00:43:39where do you think you've come on the on our relatively new board you don't know any of these names do you do
00:43:45not like louis spence angelina she didn't look quite like i thought she was kind of fat and a bit
00:43:52bald might have been a comedian but who's pretending to be angelina oh i see okay louis spence you don't
00:43:58know him presumably no but i certainly would like to be at least ahead of him no you don't want to be in
00:44:03front of him no exactly so andy garcia you did it in one minute 40
00:44:156.1 which means i think that you are
00:44:24the third class you've said you've ever had
00:44:29and that's not bad
00:44:36but i think for a man who's never driven on the correct side of a car before um that's very very
00:44:43impressive and it's just been a huge pleasure and an honor to have you here ladies and gentlemen
00:44:47andy garcia
00:45:02motorhomes that were cool and that would prove so successful they would rid this country of the caravan
00:45:08menace forever the results so far have been well mixed but no matter we rejoin the action after
00:45:15spending the night trying to sleep through what felt like a force nine gale
00:45:24the next morning mercifully the wind had died down but it had taken its toll
00:45:29oh dear oh look so it's done the same in the games room yeah brought the roof down onto the pool
00:45:38table and the living room and the cinema i promise you hammond it was worse for me how can it be worse
00:45:44for you the roof fell in on my library i promise you it was worse for me what's worse than that
00:45:49oh yeah that that's worse morning oh god is that just the wind did that oh yeah no a big giant came
00:46:04after a revolting breakfast in hammond's citadel jeremy pulled out all the stops to get his citron
00:46:10righted so we've had a cold beans yep i'm sorry i didn't eat raw bacon at least i remembered them
00:46:20that is my japanese garden look at it just leaking out it's the right way up oh hello get some more oh
00:46:30thank you since you are in cornwall you must try surfing i don't want to do surfing what if we just
00:46:38what if we just don't want to do what if we just say no we're not going to we are go we are
00:46:42apparently we are going to there's more uh you must drive to a nearby beach and get changed into
00:46:48wetsuits inside your motorbike sorry i've suddenly feeling cheered up have you ever tried to put what
00:46:58wetsuits or drop well suits have you ever tried to put them on you need you see this field now you need
00:47:05an area this big which you have but it says you've got to parcel all that up to drive to the and you
00:47:16but clarkson was laughing too soon because i had planned for such an eventuality
00:47:23simply retract the roof easy
00:47:28there's like a spaceship you see you end up with this escape pod that can just break free
00:47:33meanwhile james and i had arrived at the beach look at this surf town uk and they're gonna look
00:47:42at my hat and they're gonna say yes yes that man knows what he's doing and with no sign of hammond
00:47:50we decided to have a surfing lesson well hang on so it's a yeah yeah you've got it yeah
00:47:58is that roughly right it wasn't though was it not really no eventually hammond's escape pod was free
00:48:07and he was able to join us for the getting into a wetsuit in a motorhome test
00:48:14yes i'll get changed in my contemplation zone lovely job unsurprisingly it was much harder in the lotus
00:48:23oh ow ow ow but surprisingly even harder in hammond's land cottage i um have had to leave some of the
00:48:35panels at the campsite well all of them pretty much and that um has sort of compromised privacy rather
00:48:45yeah yeah they're not gonna go are they i sort of um if i maybe
00:48:53no um
00:48:58i've had a very clever idea i think i do of course have my escape chute which leads directly into the
00:49:04back seat of the car it's a way of moving between the car and the bedding area without having to get
00:49:09outside if it's raining for example so when i've got the bottom half on i'm going to exit and enter
00:49:15the car and then slip into the top bit down there where i can sit up hammond meanwhile had abandoned
00:49:21the land rover and stolen a child's tent okay okay i'm not sure that the escape chute actually works
00:49:34anyone a minute
00:49:40i might have got my shoulders stuck but just several hours later my colleagues were ready
00:49:48it's cold it's really cold it's not going to get any warmer
00:49:55well give it a couple of months it might well come on all right what do we do
00:50:00without wishing to boast this is quite nice i mastered surfing very quickly
00:50:09that's the easiest thing i've ever done but for some reason the other two kept trying to stand up
00:50:15and the other two kept trying to stand up
00:50:22toes on the tail hands on the rail
00:50:31they were so engrossed in this idiocy they failed to spot an incoming problem
00:50:37james we've got to get out
00:50:39oh i almost got it what the cars
00:50:47james and richard rushed to their cars and legged it whereas i decided to get changed where i was
00:50:55which went well
00:50:56oh
00:51:05that was intense
00:51:06our next challenge was to cook a three course meal in our motorhomes using whatever ingredients we could
00:51:14find at a nearby petrol station
00:51:17CITREP. Don't like driving my Citroën,
00:51:21don't like sleeping in my Citroën,
00:51:23almost certainly won't like cooking in it either.
00:51:26Plus, getting to the petrol station meant taking some back roads.
00:51:33Whoa!
00:51:35What the hell's that?
00:51:36Well, it was a tree, but no...
00:51:39Tree?
00:51:40That was a big one, Jeremy, that was a big... Oh, no!
00:51:44No!
00:51:46Having pruned most of Cornwall, we finally arrived.
00:51:52Oh, my God!
00:51:53No, no, no, no, no!
00:51:57Now I have crashed into a petrol station.
00:52:03Have you not been able to get changed?
00:52:05Of course I haven't.
00:52:06You know how difficult it is to get out of one of these?
00:52:09I have to get out of it in a coffin.
00:52:14In the shop, James said he'd do the starter,
00:52:16Richard the pudding and me the main course.
00:52:19But this was the sticks.
00:52:22So, do you have any steak?
00:52:25Nope.
00:52:26Pork?
00:52:27Nope.
00:52:28Lamb?
00:52:29Nope.
00:52:30Bacon?
00:52:32No, I'm afraid, sorry.
00:52:35The washes aren't part of the meal.
00:52:37I've just got those because I like them.
00:52:39Do you have any butter?
00:52:43No.
00:52:45Lard.
00:52:46Troubling.
00:52:48Margarine.
00:52:50Despite the lack of choice, we soon had enough for our dinner.
00:52:56So, back at the campsite, we parked up...
00:52:58..and got cooking.
00:53:03Right, what I'm going to cook tonight is Spam slices
00:53:07coated with a crushed, cheesy popular snack item.
00:53:12So, first, using the fork, you crush up your cheesy comestibles.
00:53:16Here is what I propose for dessert.
00:53:19I'm going to make Eaton Mess cross with trifle.
00:53:23I couldn't find any of those sponge fingers,
00:53:25but then I had an absolutely brilliant idea.
00:53:27I'm going to use bread.
00:53:28Lining the bowl with the sponge fingers.
00:53:32Now we put our ice cream yoghurt in, like that.
00:53:36Right, the water is boiling,
00:53:38so it's time to start preparing the vegetables.
00:53:41Here they are.
00:53:43So, thin slices, about an eighth of an inch,
00:53:46or about 2.5 millimetres in Roman Catholic.
00:53:50But flavour the flowers with just a couple of pickled onions.
00:53:55Chocolate, not a problem.
00:53:57Any amount of that can go in.
00:53:59There.
00:54:00Look at that.
00:54:02Ow. Ow.
00:54:04I need the handle for that.
00:54:05Now...
00:54:08The oil, this does worry me, I must admit.
00:54:10Using Castrol GTX, but I don't think I have any choice.
00:54:15In the meantime, whilst that just heats up,
00:54:17we have to consider our Garni, which is an orange jus,
00:54:23taken out of the inside of one of these chocolate confections,
00:54:26which is named after a type of orange,
00:54:28where it isn't a brand name,
00:54:29but becomes a brand name when applied to one of these, unfortunately.
00:54:33So I can't tell you what they are,
00:54:34but you know, of course, that they're Jaffa Cakes.
00:54:37Now, I'm monitoring everything at this point very carefully,
00:54:40because the last time I tried to cook on a campsite,
00:54:43the caravan caught fire, you may remember,
00:54:46and the one next to it.
00:54:48So I can't be...
00:54:51Holy cow, what's that?
00:54:53Urgh!
00:54:54Um...
00:54:55Get an extinguisher, man!
00:54:56I haven't got one!
00:54:57Who's got an extinguisher?
00:54:59I've got one there.
00:55:00Who's got a safety thing on it?
00:55:02Why is it doing...
00:55:03Who's put a health and safety thing on it?
00:55:09It's...
00:55:09I've used it all now.
00:55:11James, are you not going to get out?
00:55:12I can't. It takes half an hour.
00:55:15Hammond then found another extinguisher,
00:55:17but unfortunately, there was a height issue.
00:55:21That's not working.
00:55:23No, left a bit.
00:55:24Right, no, the other way, the other way, the other way!
00:55:28This is all working terribly well.
00:55:29I think mine's going to be ready quite soon,
00:55:30but we're not going to have anywhere to eat it,
00:55:31because I believe the plan was to eat in Hammond's dining room,
00:55:35which has just burnt down.
00:55:38Ooh, not good.
00:55:41He's actually set fire to metal. How's he done that?
00:55:47We decided to abandon the cooking
00:55:50and cracked open a liquid supper instead.
00:55:55That's the first time we've seen the sun, gentlemen, since we...
00:55:59Well, that makes it worthwhile, doesn't it?
00:56:00That's not bad.
00:56:02Listen.
00:56:02All you can hear is just the creaking of the embers in his...
00:56:07Yeah, just mine. ..burning motorhome.
00:56:21Out. Just get out. And you. Out. Out.
00:56:28Oh, God, look at it.
00:56:33And on that note...
00:56:52Morning.
00:56:52After James had failed to wipe his bottom with any dignity,
00:57:00we decided to go to a nearby beauty spot.
00:57:03James May.
00:57:05Jeremy Clarkson.
00:57:06What's it like driving around under a bucket of your own faeces?
00:57:11Are you going to fall over today for our entertainment?
00:57:14Oh, God.
00:57:15Oh, God.
00:57:15Oh, God.
00:57:16Oh!
00:57:18Oh!
00:57:23As we drove along, we began to realise that our motorhoming holiday
00:57:27hadn't been a great success.
00:57:29I'm exhausted. I'm also pretty cold now. I don't think I'm going to make it. Just leave me behind.
00:57:36I'll only slow you up. I don't know why I said that. They will.
00:57:40I'm covered in egg and crisps and spam juice. I haven't shaved. I haven't had a proper wash for three days.
00:57:49The thing about this exercise is that it helps you to appreciate the basic amenities of home life.
00:57:55You know, a tap, a chair.
00:58:00What's more, the speed of Jeremy's motorhome meant that everyone else's holiday was ruined too.
00:58:07Well, that's a big queue. I'm embarrassed.
00:58:11That's a really long queue. I don't think we've sped up caravanning, have we?
00:58:19Eventually, we made it to the beauty spot.
00:58:25Oh, yeah.
00:58:26Now that is a view.
00:58:28It's more like it, yeah.
00:58:31I think it's fabulous.
00:58:32Yeah, this is all right.
00:58:34Right now, I'm quite enjoying motorcaravanning.
00:58:37Yeah, I'm enjoying it. It's the first time since we set off that motorhoming is making sense.
00:58:41Guys!
00:58:43What?
00:58:43There's a pub down there.
00:58:45Yes, very nice.
00:58:46I'm going to the pub. Look, I'm going for an ice cream.
00:58:49Will you bring one back?
00:58:50I would really like... I've been thinking about ice cream for three days.
00:58:53I will bring you back an ice cream.
00:58:54Would you?
00:58:55All right.
00:58:55And then everyone will go, they really do get on those three.
00:58:58Yeah.
00:58:58Okay.
00:59:00While Jeremy was gone, I'm afraid we hatched a plan.
00:59:05See where it drops away to the edge of the cliff?
00:59:07Mm-hmm.
00:59:09If we pushed his car there, just park it on the edge,
00:59:13it won't be able to go forwards, obviously.
00:59:15No, I know what you think.
00:59:16Never back it up.
00:59:17That's brilliant.
00:59:19Go on, stick it down there, because he'll see it from the bottom,
00:59:21and he'll see the tower on the edge.
00:59:23He's taking the...
00:59:25Well, push it, push it, push it.
00:59:31That's good.
00:59:34That's very good.
00:59:36Handbrake's off.
00:59:38I'll just give it... just get it right to the edge.
00:59:40Yeah, yeah.
00:59:41I reckon if we...
00:59:42Oh, hang on.
00:59:43Well, that's...
00:59:44In weather like this, among scenery like that,
00:59:48holidaying in England,
00:59:51even in a motorhome, does make sense.
00:59:56Is that all right?
00:59:59What?
01:00:06What's that?
01:00:13You ruined it.
01:00:19You ruined my Citroën Grand Design,
01:00:22and you ruined it on purpose.
01:00:24It was his idea.
01:00:25It wasn't.
01:00:26So in the film, you did it.
01:00:28You pushed it off the cliff, because you knew it was best,
01:00:30and you were a sore loser.
01:00:32Jeremy, it wasn't the best, mate.
01:00:33It had a top speed of two, and it fell over.
01:00:36You couldn't even wipe your bottom in yours.
01:00:38Yeah, exactly.
01:00:39You can wipe thousands of bottoms in mine,
01:00:41which is why it was the best.
01:00:43Wiping your bottom is not the only criterion
01:00:45for judging a successful motorhome.
01:00:47Whatever point is, mine was brilliant, and you know it.
01:00:50It wasn't.
01:00:51It wasn't, actually.
01:00:52Yeah, exactly.
01:00:52Yeah, you're right.
01:00:53In fact, we really haven't reinvented the motorhome at all, have we?
01:00:56No, I'm afraid we haven't.
01:00:57And once again, and as usual, we've completely wasted your evening.
01:01:00Sorry.
01:01:00Yes.
01:01:02And as a result of our wretched failure,
01:01:04Britain will continue to be strangled by the glass fibre menace
01:01:08of the caravan, until we all suffocate and die
01:01:11pointless and agonising deaths.
01:01:14Nice to have a plan.
01:01:15That's the main thing.
01:01:15And on that bombshell, it's time to end.
01:01:17Thank you very much for watching.
01:01:19Good night.
01:01:25Next tonight on BBC HD, Michael Sheen turns himself into Brian Clough
01:01:29for our fabulous drama, The Damned United,
01:01:32and later on the modern master, Andy Warhol, under the spotlight.
01:01:35That's at 10.35.
01:01:49Hey!
01:01:51Hello
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