- 20 hours ago
In Episode 6 of Season 9, Top Gear goes glamorous and a little ridiculous. The presenters transform everyday cars into stretch limousines and chauffeur high-profile celebrity clients through London’s crowded streets en route to the Brit Awards. Jeremy, Richard, and James also see what muscle the Ford Shelby Mustang GT500 brings in comparison to their homemade stretch convertibles. With Billie Piper, Chris Moyles, and Jamelia making appearances, this episode blends luxury, chaos, and red carpet style with the signature Top Gear spirit.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight, we cut some cars in half with sores.
00:00:17Richard smokes a horse.
00:00:21And who's in our reasonably priced car?
00:00:24Oh, it's his assistant.
00:00:30Hello, hello, and welcome.
00:00:39Thank you very much.
00:00:40Now, we start tonight with stretch limousines.
00:00:44There are 9,000 of the damn things in Britain,
00:00:47and they're all American cars that have been elongated
00:00:50and then coated with a sort of veneer of velour.
00:00:53Why?
00:00:54Why can't limos be based on normal cars that we can buy in Britain?
00:00:58I mean, how hard can it be?
00:01:01Well, to find out, we were all three asked to build our own limousines.
00:01:05The recipe's simple.
00:01:06Find a car, anything we liked, cut it in half,
00:01:09and then put an extra bit in the middle.
00:01:11What could possibly go wrong?
00:01:15This is what I'm going to base my limo on.
00:01:18Yes, it's a 1993 one-litre Fiat Panda CLX.
00:01:24Now, the interesting thing about this car is that under the bonnet,
00:01:28it doesn't have an engine.
00:01:30What you get instead is a small field mouse called Gerald.
00:01:33Break down, man.
00:01:35And if Gerald runs around his wheel really very, very fast,
00:01:39he'll get me from 0 to 60 in 18 seconds.
00:01:44Don't worry, though.
00:01:45There's method in my madness.
00:01:47Why start off with a big car when you're going to make it big anyway?
00:01:52And why have a big, thirsty engine when you're going to spend most of your time in town
00:01:56doing 10 miles an hour,
00:01:57and if you put your foot down, everyone in the back's going to spill their pomade?
00:02:01My limo will be based on this,
00:02:11a sensible Saab 9000 3-litre V6.
00:02:15You're thinking,
00:02:16there goes Captain Slow,
00:02:18and I expect he'll do a really good job of turning it into a limousine,
00:02:22because, let's face it,
00:02:23he's a bit boring.
00:02:24You cannot even begin to comprehend the bounds of my forthcoming genius.
00:02:39For my limo, I've thought a bit laterally.
00:02:43It's an MGF.
00:02:45Which, as you've probably noticed, is a two-seater at the moment,
00:02:50because what I plan to create here is quite possibly the world's first mid-engined roadster limousine.
00:03:01Nobody's done it before, and I don't understand why not.
00:03:05Why shouldn't hen knights have that wind-in-the-hair, open-top thrill?
00:03:09So, we'd all got our cars,
00:03:17and we'd all found people who were going to help us turn them into limos.
00:03:26This is the very same workshop where we made our convertible people carrier.
00:03:31And that worked.
00:03:34This job, though, would require much more precision.
00:03:37Right, where are my hammers?
00:03:45Meanwhile, at my workshop,
00:03:47my genius plan was to make the Saab with a second car.
00:03:51And here it is.
00:03:53It's an Alfa Romeo 164 3-litre V6.
00:03:58And I know it seems odd, but think about it.
00:03:59No-one ever said that the two ends of a stretch limo
00:04:03had to come from the same car.
00:04:05I'd pick some motorsport specialists to help with the sports limo.
00:04:12There are a few concerns,
00:04:14largely because the engine is pretty much at the back.
00:04:18So, all things like these radiator pipes
00:04:21and the gearbox linkage from the front to the back
00:04:23and the throttle controls,
00:04:25they're all going to have to be sort of made longer.
00:04:29Right, this is the really clever bit.
00:04:32Although the Saab and the Alfa look very different,
00:04:34underneath they've got the same floor pan.
00:04:37And more importantly, as my centre lines show,
00:04:39the wheelbase is exactly the same.
00:04:41It'll be sensible and Swedish at one end
00:04:43and fiery and Italian at the back.
00:04:46It is a Salfa Romea Arbe.
00:04:48Here's a Top Gear top tip.
00:04:53Rent one of these, £35 a day.
00:04:56For someone you don't like very much,
00:04:57cut their car in half.
00:05:00My first job was to cut all the pipes leading to the engine.
00:05:04Oh, that went really, really well.
00:05:08There.
00:05:09That's disconnected.
00:05:11When do you think you're going to be cutting it in half?
00:05:13I'm not going to get into a cutting in half competition with you, though,
00:05:16because I know exactly what you're going to do.
00:05:17What am I going to do?
00:05:19Make a mess of it.
00:05:20Oh, that's not a good time.
00:05:24Hello?
00:05:25Hamster.
00:05:25Oh, my God!
00:05:27Yes?
00:05:28How's it going?
00:05:30Really well, actually.
00:05:31You know what James has got?
00:05:32Yeah.
00:05:33A Saab?
00:05:34No, he's got an Alfa.
00:05:35No, it's a Saab.
00:05:36No, it's an Alfa. He's got an Alfa.
00:05:38But he definitely told me he'd got a Saab.
00:05:40So he doesn't know what car he's got.
00:05:41He doesn't even know what he's bought.
00:05:43Is it true that Jeremy's bought a Fiat Panda?
00:05:46Yeah.
00:05:47I mean, if you were going to make a stretch car,
00:05:49why would you start with a Fiat Panda?
00:05:51You can stretch it a mile,
00:05:52and it's still only going to be as big as a normal car.
00:05:54Well, have you met Jeremy Clarkson?
00:05:56Big tall fella, curly hair, idiot.
00:05:58That's your answer, really, isn't it?
00:06:02Finally, it was time to cut our cars in half.
00:06:05What are you doing?
00:06:07Cut it in half!
00:06:08That's halfway, mate.
00:06:12That's about halfway.
00:06:13I'm not going to measure it.
00:06:14Where are you going to put your seat?
00:06:16Where's all the strength?
00:06:18Okay.
00:06:19Sorry, I'm going to weld that a bit up.
00:06:22Inevitably, James was being scientific about the project
00:06:25and was sawing his car in half using a plasma cutter.
00:06:28Now, watch this.
00:06:38I do know what I'm doing.
00:06:39I've made a bit of plate,
00:06:40and I'm going to weld it over the little hole there,
00:06:44and you'll never know the difference.
00:06:47By using patience and maths to make my limo,
00:06:50I was doing a damn sight better than Hammond.
00:06:53Bad, bad thing.
00:06:56Sorry, it's locked.
00:06:57I can't get in.
00:06:58The car's burning down before I've even built it.
00:07:00That's bad.
00:07:01That's bad.
00:07:03Jeremy had similar problems
00:07:05and couldn't even understand how the fire extinguisher works.
00:07:10I've got to put those up.
00:07:12I've got safety pins.
00:07:13That's fire.
00:07:14Eventually, the fires were put out,
00:07:26and by tea time, Richard's car was in half.
00:07:29There it is.
00:07:31Shortly afterwards, mine was unconjoined as well.
00:07:36Behold the broken car.
00:07:39And with James' Saab predictably still in one piece,
00:07:44I decided to make sure that mechanically, at least,
00:07:46my little Fiat had survived the operation.
00:07:50And I'm delighted to say it had.
00:07:52Obviously, we'll be picking that up later on,
00:08:11but now it's time to do the news.
00:08:14And we begin, well, actually, we begin with last week,
00:08:17because you mocked me for wearing a suit.
00:08:20You may remember this, yes?
00:08:21Because Christian Scott Thomas was down here.
00:08:23Tuesday, he walked into the office dressed like this.
00:08:27Yeah.
00:08:27Look at him.
00:08:29Where'd you been?
00:08:30I'd been invited to number 10
00:08:32to a one-on-one chat with the Prime Minister.
00:08:35So I'd, you know, put a suit.
00:08:38So you go down there, you're in number 10,
00:08:40sitting with him.
00:08:41Yeah.
00:08:42Did you vomit on him?
00:08:43No, you can't vomit on the Prime Minister, mate.
00:08:47No, you can if you had loads of cheese soup before you get there.
00:08:50And then, like, some salt water.
00:08:51All over him.
00:08:53You could easily have done that.
00:08:54No.
00:08:54You didn't.
00:08:55No, I didn't, no.
00:08:55Did you punch him in the face?
00:08:56No.
00:08:57Look, I didn't vomit on or punch the Prime Minister in the face, OK?
00:09:01How close were you to him at any one point?
00:09:04Well, I was sitting next to him.
00:09:05Look, there's a picture, hang on, of us.
00:09:07There you see, there's him.
00:09:07You could have easily punched him in the face from there in the 90s.
00:09:10He didn't have been sick, no.
00:09:11He just straightened all over his leg and his cufflinks.
00:09:14No, look, I, that's not...
00:09:15Those are the two things that you're best at in the world.
00:09:18Being sick and punching people.
00:09:21He came round to your house once, didn't he?
00:09:22Yes, he was...
00:09:23One time, you came to my house, you vomited all over my sofa.
00:09:27Sorry about that.
00:09:28My house vomited all over me.
00:09:30I did do that.
00:09:31So, you vomited all over your mate.
00:09:33Why couldn't you vomit over him?
00:09:34I'm sorry!
00:09:36He'd invited me round for a chat, so it wasn't appropriate.
00:09:39About what?
00:09:39About road pricing.
00:09:41And what did he say?
00:09:42That we need to do something about congestion.
00:09:44Well, did you tell him if you got rid of the bloody M4 bus line?
00:09:47That might help.
00:09:48Did you tell him that?
00:09:48I didn't say that, I wasn't sick on him, I didn't punch him on...
00:09:51Did you tell him to go in a speed hunt?
00:09:52No.
00:09:53Did you tell him to up the speed limit on the motorway to 150?
00:09:56Because that will show...
00:09:57Did you tell him that?
00:09:58All right, I'm beginning to...
00:09:59Punch him in the face!
00:10:01I let you down, lads, I'm sorry.
00:10:02Because, okay, road pricing is coming, and it's his fault.
00:10:06Yeah.
00:10:08I now realise I've let you down, and I'm sorry.
00:10:11It's not us.
00:10:13You've let everybody down here, you've let him down.
00:10:15He can't even afford proper clothes.
00:10:18You could have been the first person in British history
00:10:21to punch the Prime Minister in the face and be sick on him.
00:10:25Oh, right!
00:10:25That would have been in the record.
00:10:25I will be the first person to punch you in the face on television.
00:10:29Now, that's more like it.
00:10:30Why can't it be like that with him?
00:10:32Can we move on?
00:10:33Yes, we can move on.
00:10:35Now, there's a new Mondeo coming out in June.
00:10:37I've got a picture of it here, and it'll be brilliant.
00:10:40It will.
00:10:40Well, the last one was, it was brilliant at everything.
00:10:42It looks fantastic.
00:10:43A couple of things.
00:10:44I think it's got a bit too much mascara round its headlamps.
00:10:48I don't know what you mean.
00:10:48It's just, I had a bit of that going on in the studio last week, actually.
00:10:51The make-up lady put too much, um...
00:10:54Hang on.
00:10:55You were wearing...
00:10:56You were wearing mascara?
00:10:58Well, it's whatever the make-up lady puts on us before we walk in.
00:11:01She, yes, I guess so.
00:11:03I don't know.
00:11:03You let her?
00:11:04Oh, for crying out...
00:11:05Well, you let her make you look like a spaniel every week, so...
00:11:08I just want to get back to the car, if I may.
00:11:12The other thing is, I've looked, there's engine specs.
00:11:14It's 1.8s and diesels and 2 litres.
00:11:16There's no hot one.
00:11:17You remember the days of the Cortina?
00:11:18There was the Lotus Cortina, and the Sierra, there was the Sierra Cosworth.
00:11:21There's no hot version of this, because what you want is like a Mondeo Vindaloo.
00:11:27Actually, what if they just name the whole range after carries, depending on how hot they are?
00:11:31I think...
00:11:32Yeah, that's...
00:11:33That's a good idea.
00:11:33That's not a bad idea.
00:11:34You could do like Sainsby's do, those little chillies on the back, and then I could have
00:11:38the gel frazee.
00:11:39Yeah.
00:11:40He could have the korma.
00:11:41Yeah.
00:11:42That's fast enough for me.
00:11:45I really do like that idea, because you bring together sort of two great British institutions.
00:11:49Indian food and a car made in Belgium.
00:11:53Now, you know that new law about kids under 4 foot 5, they have to use a booster seat in
00:11:58the car?
00:11:58He does.
00:11:59Yes, all right.
00:12:01All right.
00:12:01People under 4 foot 5 have to use a booster seat in the car.
00:12:04Yeah.
00:12:05Well, in North Yorkshire, the police say they cannot enforce that law.
00:12:08Do you know why?
00:12:09They do not have the...
00:12:11They do not have the legal...
00:12:16I can't wait for this now.
00:12:21The legal...
00:12:22Because they do not have the legal right to measure children.
00:12:29Just measure them.
00:12:30Just see, if you see a policeman measuring your children, you think, quick, call the...
00:12:34So they'll have to do what they usually do, then, and just put up some new sort of camera
00:12:39by the road to monitor children in class, to make sure they're...
00:12:42No, no, no, you can't video children.
00:12:44Have you ever been to a school sports day?
00:12:45You have to ask every parent now if we're allowed to take the camera out of the boot.
00:12:48Well, go to your own kids' sports day.
00:12:50Maybe I'll let you know.
00:12:59Right, moving on.
00:13:01You know Aston Martin's for sale?
00:13:02Yeah.
00:13:03Which I can't understand, because Ford, the only profitable part of the whole Ford business,
00:13:08is Aston Martin, and they decided to sell it.
00:13:10But anyway, the leading bid at the moment is from an Egyptian consortium.
00:13:14Carpets will be nice.
00:13:17Really, really elaborate.
00:13:19Really elaborate.
00:13:21Yeah, and buying one's going to be interesting.
00:13:23You go down to my brother's Aston Martin shop.
00:13:26For you, my friend.
00:13:27I make a nice special price.
00:13:29Special price.
00:13:31Today only.
00:13:33Right, now, you probably know the Vauxhall Monaro.
00:13:35It's one of our favourite cars, and we were very disappointed when they stopped making it.
00:13:39Yes, but now it's back, and we've got one here.
00:13:42It's now called the VXR8.
00:13:45Fantastic looking thing.
00:13:46It's got gills down here, like a fish.
00:13:49And it's now got four doors instead of two.
00:13:52Absolutely brilliant, this.
00:13:53Yeah, but it's still got the same engine.
00:13:55So that's a huge six-litre V8 that develops, what, 414 brake horsepower.
00:13:59Yeah, but you can get a supercharger kit for it, which takes it up to 540 brake horsepower.
00:14:05But the best thing about it is the value for money, because the standard car has got 414.
00:14:09Same as an Audi RS4.
00:14:11Yeah.
00:14:11But it costs £35,000, so that's 15 grand cheaper.
00:14:14I know, we love the Audi.
00:14:15Make no mistake, but it's a very polite car.
00:14:18This is more of a yob, really.
00:14:19This should come with, like, two butt cheeks on the back, so everyone behind is being mooned.
00:14:25Now, earlier on, you saw us buy some old cars and set about turning them into stretched limousines.
00:14:31Next, we were told to report to the Top Gear test track on a bitterly cold day,
00:14:36where we would be given a number of challenges.
00:14:40Well, here it is, my sports limo.
00:15:02Proof that style does not have to be slow.
00:15:04It is genius.
00:15:09This time, once and for all, I am going to win.
00:15:12I shall be victorious.
00:15:20Oh, my God.
00:15:22It's a giant panda.
00:15:47Never before bred in captivity.
00:15:51That is a big panda.
00:15:53It is.
00:15:55Because this is an economical limo.
00:15:57One litre engine, 40 to the gallon.
00:15:59Can we just...
00:16:00Do you mind?
00:16:01It's my sports limo, mate.
00:16:02The first thing I saw, obviously, was the spoiler.
00:16:05It's proportional to the car.
00:16:07You need Dan Forster here, then, in this?
00:16:09No, but it's part of the image, and image is everything.
00:16:11Can I also say you've no roof?
00:16:13I have.
00:16:13That's it!
00:16:19Well, it was complicated.
00:16:20That's it!
00:16:21There is a gap.
00:16:22There are tolerances here.
00:16:23You can only work so much.
00:16:27Then they turned up, and boy, were we in for a shock.
00:16:33Hang on.
00:16:33Uh...
00:16:34Now, that I didn't expect.
00:16:38I'm confused.
00:16:39Well, can I just explain?
00:16:41It's all about choice, OK?
00:16:43At the front, it's a sensible Swedish Saab 9000.
00:16:47And at the front, it's a sporty and stylish Italian Alfa Romeo.
00:16:52What kind of paint thinner were you sniffing when you thought of this?
00:16:56That theme, style, sensibleness, Sweden, Italy, I've continued that on the inside.
00:17:01Because at this end, it is a sauna.
00:17:06Does it work?
00:17:07No.
00:17:07And at the other end...
00:17:09Are you ready?
00:17:11It is...
00:17:11The Sistine Chapel.
00:17:20Can you drive it both ways?
00:17:22Yes.
00:17:23That's the brilliant thing about you.
00:17:24Because what is the problem with a limousine?
00:17:26What?
00:17:26Maneuverability.
00:17:27No, I'm fine on that.
00:17:28He may have an issue with me.
00:17:29No, you haven't, you see.
00:17:30It's very thin.
00:17:33Our first task was to test out each other's cars.
00:17:36And we began with the Panda's brilliant passenger entry system.
00:17:41Have you two never seen the great escape?
00:17:43I mean, it's perfectly straightforward, look.
00:17:46Look at this pulley.
00:17:48You lie on this, OK?
00:17:50And Britney Spears is going to do that, yeah?
00:17:53This is ideal, really, for people who used to be miners.
00:17:57I thought you had sniffed thinners making that.
00:18:00James offered to join me in the back.
00:18:03Here he comes.
00:18:03It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.
00:18:07Next, I introduced Alan to the in-car communications.
00:18:13There's an intercom system, and it's hands-free.
00:18:17So if you put that thing around your neck, it's like a one-man band thing, so it's legal.
00:18:22This isn't the most elegant thing.
00:18:24I have literally thought of everything.
00:18:26Right, I'm pulling away.
00:18:27Hold on tight.
00:18:28You'll notice, as you swing around, it doesn't have quite that same responsiveness.
00:18:42I'm running out of runway!
00:18:44Oh, no, I'm...
00:18:45I'm sorry.
00:18:48I'm on the field a bit.
00:18:50You see, the flex takes some of the jolting out.
00:18:54What have you done?
00:18:55You've gone over a runway light, you blithering idiot.
00:18:59Yeah, well, it's you make the car a mile long.
00:19:02It's hardly my fault.
00:19:03Even on our 160-foot-wide runway, manoeuvrability was an issue.
00:19:09But we did at least find a new way of speeding up my passenger entry and exit system.
00:19:14Here we go.
00:19:15Brittany Clarkson is leaving the car.
00:19:17OK, we're arriving. I'll brake.
00:19:18You've got...
00:19:24It's an all-over carpet burn.
00:19:27How am I going to explain this to my wife?
00:19:30Next, we tried James' Alf farm.
00:19:33James?
00:19:34Yeah?
00:19:34Bit of an issue I've got here.
00:19:36What?
00:19:37Headroom.
00:19:38There's loads of it. What's the problem?
00:19:39He's put a sauna in this end and he's put it on the roof.
00:19:45Your beer family?
00:19:46Yes.
00:19:46It's just making me want to pee.
00:19:50But as problems go, that was nothing.
00:19:55No, no, don't pull that.
00:19:57Oh, my God, what's happened?
00:20:00Hammond's unlocked the steering.
00:20:02Sorry!
00:20:02With the wrong engine, you idiot.
00:20:04Stop, stop!
00:20:06To try and regain control of the rear, Hammond dived for the wheel of the Alpha.
00:20:11Walk that way. Is that helping?
00:20:13I'll go the other way.
00:20:16I'll go the other way.
00:20:17Oh, my God!
00:20:18Oh, my God!
00:20:19Oh, my God!
00:20:20It's back for the sauna!
00:20:22Oh, my God!
00:20:23James!
00:20:24Stop!
00:20:25How the hell?
00:20:27You pair of utter pillocks.
00:20:29You've ruined my car.
00:20:30If I was driving it like a limousine and you two weren't just being yobbos trying to break everything, that wouldn't happen.
00:20:37The engineering in James' limo hadn't fared well. So, time to try out Hammond's convertible.
00:20:44Where is the heater?
00:20:46Well, that is a problem, because the engine, of course, is at the back and the pipes are...
00:20:52It hasn't got one.
00:20:53It hasn't got one.
00:20:54You're the stupidest man I've ever met.
00:20:55I'll tell you what, though.
00:20:56Your car's rubbish.
00:20:57I'll tell you what, though.
00:20:58Put the roof up, then.
00:21:00Mind your head, mind your head, mind your head.
00:21:02Oh, you see?
00:21:03It's no better with the roof up!
00:21:05If anything, it catches the breeze, I think.
00:21:08Oh, that's gone!
00:21:10That does happen.
00:21:11How do I tell James to slow down?
00:21:13Oh, that's brilliant.
00:21:14We call him on this.
00:21:17What?
00:21:18Tell him to slow down.
00:21:19Could you slow down a little, please, driver?
00:21:21James?
00:21:22Yes, what do you want?
00:21:23Can you see us?
00:21:24Yes.
00:21:25Yeah, very funny.
00:21:28To warm up a bit, Hammond suggested we try some of his on-board sports equipment.
00:21:32There we go.
00:21:38Yes!
00:21:39The other thing that Hammond has done is that he's fixed the seat in his drive-
00:21:44Ow!
00:21:49With our test drives over, it was time for the challenges to begin.
00:21:54Not all limo drivers are drug dealers.
00:21:57Not all limos are used for hen nights.
00:21:59Some have to be used for transporting political figures who may be attacked at any time.
00:22:04Your cars, then, should be nimble and fast enough to get out of tricky spots.
00:22:08Well, that's you in trouble, isn't it?
00:22:11For the first challenge, you arrive at a roadblock.
00:22:13The other two presenters are there, armed with paintball guns.
00:22:18How many hits can they score before you've done a J-turn and got away?
00:22:23He's in a conversable.
00:22:25Oh, no! I haven't done that!
00:22:28I was first to drive into the jaws of death.
00:22:41Oh, no! A pathetic roadblock!
00:22:43Now, a J-turn. You reverse it high-speed, brake, spin the wheel, and, as the front slews round, you slam it into first and roar away.
00:22:53And, must be honest, the panda wasn't much good.
00:23:03It's actually quite tiring, isn't it?
00:23:04Yeah, it's just on the trigger finger.
00:23:08It's a main hitting shot a few times now.
00:23:14Ah! Yeah, quite a lot.
00:23:16Yeah, you may have...
00:23:18I mean, you could get more paint on it if you used a brush.
00:23:21With my panda having set the bar pretty low, the convertible went next.
00:23:28Hope you don't find the bars, but there is no room.
00:23:30Hope we don't meet any terrorists.
00:23:33Oh, no! Terrorists!
00:23:39The speed was good. The protection, not simple.
00:23:46Oh, that's shot in the head!
00:23:50Well, I got one there and one there.
00:23:52Did it hurt?
00:23:53Yes. Like a... you know.
00:23:55Like a word you can't...
00:23:56Like a paintball in the head, yeah.
00:23:58Unfortunately, I suspect...
00:23:59I think I've beaten you.
00:24:01You have beaten me.
00:24:03Right, James.
00:24:04Good luck.
00:24:05Good luck.
00:24:07Instead of doing the tricky J-turn, I planned to get into the alpha end and reverse away forwards.
00:24:12But that idea did have a flaw.
00:24:25In fact, it had two flaws.
00:24:27Oh, the real one!
00:24:28Oh, look!
00:24:29You!
00:24:30I don't know if you aimed at my gentleman's area.
00:24:31That was shuffling agony.
00:24:33There is far more on you than on your car.
00:24:35Yeah, well, so in that case...
00:24:36No.
00:24:37I won't.
00:24:38No.
00:24:39No, hang on, the rules said...
00:24:40In every situation you'd be thinking, never mind, at least my car's not got paint on it!
00:24:42The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.
00:24:43It was time for the next challenge.
00:24:44I just hope that that was the end of the evasive driving stuff.
00:24:45Evasive driving part two.
00:24:46Evasive driving part two.
00:24:47It's a test of nippiness against the clock.
00:25:01It was time for the next challenge.
00:25:03I just hope that that was the end of the evasive driving stuff.
00:25:08Evasive driving part two.
00:25:12It's a test of nippiness against the clock.
00:25:14You break out from a terrorist trap,
00:25:16slalom down the runway between strategically placed cars
00:25:19belonging to members of the public which you may not hit,
00:25:21steer around the stinger at the hammerhead and pull up...
00:25:25..once you're out of range of the water cannon.
00:25:27The what?
00:25:29With manoeuvrability being the key to every aspect of this challenge,
00:25:33James was feeling confident.
00:25:36What's this?
00:25:37Oh!
00:25:39Oh!
00:25:40Oh!
00:25:41Found that help.
00:25:42It's still unlocked now. How is he going to do a slalom?
00:25:46It's not going to help at all.
00:25:52Hammerhead.
00:25:54The water cannon kicked in to make missing the stinger even harder.
00:25:58There it is.
00:26:03Easy victory.
00:26:04Well, maybe not.
00:26:07My sports limo was like a greyhound out of the trap.
00:26:11Wheels spinning everything!
00:26:15That looks quite good.
00:26:16I can't really see Kofi and Nan ever having got into it in the first place.
00:26:23It's the stinger next.
00:26:24No, hang on, it's the water thief.
00:26:32Convertible.
00:26:33As it turns out, not the best idea.
00:26:40The panda broke out with ease.
00:26:42Yeah!
00:26:44Rock and roll!
00:26:45How's he going to do this slalom in this car that long?
00:26:50This is going to be...
00:26:51...looking good.
00:26:52He's going to have to take the world's most enormous route!
00:26:56Oh, don't cry me out loud.
00:26:57Oh, no, I'm not going to make it.
00:26:58That is such a poor idea.
00:26:59Oh, no.
00:27:00Oh, there's some smoke coming out of it.
00:27:01Oh, doesn't that break your heart?
00:27:02Yeah.
00:27:03Yeah, the clock's still running.
00:27:04My limo had become bogged down, but the film crew kindly pushed me out and I was on my way again.
00:27:21No, you can squirt it as much as you like.
00:27:25Sadly, I hit the stinger.
00:27:28Which punctured the tyres and then, worse, my engine died.
00:27:37Oh, no, you don't!
00:27:42No!
00:27:43No!
00:27:44No!
00:27:45No!
00:27:46No!
00:27:47No!
00:27:48That was so...
00:27:50So...
00:27:51Why?
00:27:52What?
00:27:53Well, I don't understand.
00:27:55Why did you get out of the car?
00:27:57Look, because if it had got a puncture, the engine had stopped, I thought, if I get out,
00:28:02I'll be able to change the wheel because the water cannon was off.
00:28:04I didn't know they were going to turn it on again.
00:28:05Did you seriously think there was you out of the car under water cannon?
00:28:08How could they not turn it on and hit you?
00:28:10Well, with hindsight, you're right, I should have stayed in the car.
00:28:13Anyway, that wasn't the final challenge.
00:28:16There was another one, a big one.
00:28:17One where we brought the whole of central London to a standstill.
00:28:20And we'll be saying that to you later on.
00:28:23Yeah, can I just ask?
00:28:24What?
00:28:25Your limo.
00:28:26Down one side, I saw windows.
00:28:27On the other side, there were no windows.
00:28:28No, it was paparazzi proof.
00:28:30So, if you've got Britney Spears in it, she's forgotten her pants.
00:28:33As she does.
00:28:34Which she's prone to do.
00:28:35Yeah.
00:28:36And now she's got matching, you know, collar and cuffs.
00:28:39It's...
00:28:40So, it was on the kerbside, there were no windows.
00:28:42I thought of everything.
00:28:43Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?
00:28:46You did.
00:28:47You think I could hit that when you were 50 feet away and running?
00:28:52Anyway, it's now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
00:28:56My guest tonight is attractive, she's futuristic and she's from Swindon.
00:29:01So, she's sort of like the Honda Civic.
00:29:03Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Piper!
00:29:05Yay!
00:29:06How are you?
00:29:07You're welcome.
00:29:08I'm out.
00:29:10Thank you so much for coming.
00:29:13Oh, this is marvellous.
00:29:16You're so much better looking than everybody else.
00:29:20And your top's more see-through.
00:29:21I know!
00:29:22I just really like that.
00:29:23I just noticed as you walked out.
00:29:24How bad is it?
00:29:25It's quite bad.
00:29:26But don't worry.
00:29:27That's my frost see-through too.
00:29:29Is it really?
00:29:30No, that's a joke.
00:29:31No!
00:29:32It is.
00:29:35Anyway, listen.
00:29:37Is it true that you wrote your autobiography because you heard a biography was coming out?
00:29:42Yeah.
00:29:43I heard somebody else was going to write one.
00:29:45Yeah.
00:29:46I was pretty convinced it was going to be full of crap.
00:29:48Yeah.
00:29:49And so I thought I'd have a go myself.
00:29:52Did it come out, the biography?
00:29:54Yeah, no, it came out.
00:29:55It came out.
00:29:56Was it full of crap?
00:29:57I didn't actually look at it.
00:29:58I watched it sales.
00:29:59It didn't do so well.
00:30:01But then nor did mine.
00:30:02So...
00:30:03Well, it's not like it wasn't full of stuff.
00:30:06It's not like Wayne Rooney's, because he was only about four when he wrote it.
00:30:08That's true.
00:30:09Have you read it?
00:30:10Of course I haven't read it.
00:30:11Right.
00:30:12Was born, grew big ears, kicked football, slept with grandmother.
00:30:16Sorry.
00:30:17It's not going to be like yours, let's be brutally honest.
00:30:21No.
00:30:22So why have you given up Doctor Who, which is the question most asked by my eight-year-old?
00:30:27Because, um, it just felt like the right time to go.
00:30:30I was two years in Cardiff.
00:30:32Oh.
00:30:33You...
00:30:34No, no!
00:30:35I hadn't realised.
00:30:37God, I once went there for two days.
00:30:38I'm going down.
00:30:39I liked it very much.
00:30:40Um, no, I just wanted to try some other stuff.
00:30:45Okay, now, just before we move off, Doctor, we've got one important question.
00:30:50What is the top speed of a Dalek?
00:30:53I'm saying six miles per hour.
00:30:56Are they only do six?
00:30:57Mm.
00:30:58So you can run faster than a Dalek?
00:30:59I can.
00:31:00Why are you so scared of them, then?
00:31:03They're threatening things.
00:31:05They're huge.
00:31:06Are they huge?
00:31:07They're about the same size as you.
00:31:08I could have one.
00:31:09Um, now, is it true, obviously, well, get it across for those that know, uh, you know,
00:31:14you were married to Chris Evans.
00:31:15Yeah.
00:31:16Is it true he tried to pull you with a Ferrari?
00:31:18That is true.
00:31:19Quite a, quite a thing.
00:31:21Did it work?
00:31:22Well, obviously.
00:31:23It worked, yeah.
00:31:24I married him six months later.
00:31:26Well, not because of the Ferrari.
00:31:28No.
00:31:29Um.
00:31:30Not because of the colour of his hair, obviously.
00:31:31I love the colour of his hair.
00:31:32Really?
00:31:33I'm a big fan of the ginge.
00:31:34Really?
00:31:35Yeah.
00:31:36Are they only here?
00:31:37No, we don't let them in.
00:31:38That's, we try to keep them out.
00:31:39No!
00:31:40They smell different, I find.
00:31:41But you covered it with, didn't you cover the Ferrari?
00:31:42No!
00:31:43No!
00:31:44No!
00:31:45But you covered it with, didn't you cover the Ferrari with roses?
00:31:49Yeah, he filled the car with roses and then he covered the bonnet with roses too.
00:31:54Did you keep it?
00:31:55Um, no, we chopped it in for three classic cars.
00:31:59Which were?
00:32:00Um, Moggy Minor, Jag Mark II, beautiful.
00:32:04Yeah.
00:32:05And Mercedes, but I can't remember what it was.
00:32:07An old one?
00:32:08An old one.
00:32:09Do you prefer old cars?
00:32:10Yeah, I love old cars.
00:32:11Why do you want old cars?
00:32:12I just think they're beautiful, they're works of art.
00:32:13I'd much rather look at an old car.
00:32:15I have, I'm not a huge fan of new cars at all.
00:32:18So what's your car now?
00:32:19It's a Porsche 911.
00:32:20Oh God, not another one.
00:32:221989.
00:32:23It's a nice model.
00:32:24But it's a 1989 Porsche 911.
00:32:25Yeah.
00:32:26For people who can care less, what model number?
00:32:27Yeah, I don't really know.
00:32:28Yeah, it doesn't really matter.
00:32:29All I know is that it's, it's, it's white.
00:32:30And I love white cars.
00:32:31Now that's interesting.
00:32:32Do you like white cars?
00:32:33Well, I think white's a good seventies color that should be making a comeback soon.
00:32:34Yeah.
00:32:35You are a woman, of course, of great taste.
00:32:36Because I did find a piece of, uh, writing the other day that said you like a man with
00:32:37a beer belly.
00:32:38I do.
00:32:39I do.
00:32:40You thought I had a man with a beer belly?
00:32:41I do.
00:32:42Smug.
00:32:55Yeah, I do.
00:32:56Well, you never, you've got the six pack thing isn't for you.
00:32:57It's not for me.
00:32:58I don't like it at all.
00:32:59Why?
00:33:00It's just too try hard.
00:33:02I agree.
00:33:03It's just, you know, I like men, you know.
00:33:08I bet you're feeling like a bit of a burke now, aren't you?
00:33:13He's been standing there, you know that thing men do with the pushing the arms out.
00:33:17Look at him. Look at my muscles here, look at that.
00:33:20They're very nice.
00:33:22Now stick your stomach out, you might be in with a sharp, mate.
00:33:24That's perfect.
00:33:25Anyway, I want to talk about your lap. How was it out there?
00:33:29It was okay. It was a lot harder than I imagined.
00:33:32I got a bit angry as well, which I don't think is good.
00:33:35Angry with the Stig?
00:33:37Myself. Not with the Stig. I love the Stig.
00:33:39Really?
00:33:40He was very patient, very generous.
00:33:42Was he?
00:33:43Yeah.
00:33:45It's just unfortunate that he's got a really toned body.
00:33:48Does he?
00:33:49Yeah, and a face like the Elephant Man.
00:33:51That's a shame.
00:33:52Did he call Chris up to get...
00:33:54Yeah.
00:33:55And he said...
00:33:56He said, listen to the Stig and work with the lines.
00:34:00Would you like to see it?
00:34:02Alright.
00:34:03Who'd like to see Billy's lap?
00:34:05Yeah.
00:34:06Okay, let's have a look.
00:34:09Shake and bake.
00:34:12Second.
00:34:14And third next.
00:34:15Oops.
00:34:16Well, you cut the corner a little bit there, but hey, that doesn't matter,
00:34:19because it just slows you down.
00:34:24Alright, where are you...
00:34:25Where are you going?
00:34:26You're on the wrong side of the line.
00:34:28Must beat Gordon Ramsay.
00:34:32Okay, into the Hammerhead.
00:34:34And...
00:34:35Again.
00:34:36That's...
00:34:37Entirely the wrong route.
00:34:39Oh, God.
00:34:40This is terrible.
00:34:41Jonathan Ross was the last person here to get this lost.
00:34:44F*** out.
00:34:46Yeah, that's where it's got the right...
00:34:50Didn't turn right there.
00:34:51That's good.
00:34:52And then through second to last corner, that's where everybody gets it wrong.
00:34:55But that's a very good line, actually, there.
00:34:57And then this isn't.
00:34:58And there we are.
00:34:59And...
00:35:00Across the line!
00:35:01It wasn't good, was it?
00:35:05Well...
00:35:06Where do you reckon on the board that was?
00:35:12Please tell me I'm above Steve Coogan.
00:35:14Above Steve Coogan.
00:35:15Well, you are.
00:35:16However, we do have a problem.
00:35:18Why?
00:35:19You did it in one minute, 48.3.
00:35:26To the stunned silence and amazement of the entire audience.
00:35:32But the problem we've got is that we've had to have a word with his stigness.
00:35:37Why?
00:35:38Well, because...
00:35:39You didn't really do a lap of the track.
00:35:42I mean, you didn't do the same lap that all the other people have done.
00:35:47Does that matter?
00:35:48Well...
00:35:49Do you know?
00:35:50Yes, it does.
00:35:51No, it doesn't.
00:35:52Please, no.
00:35:53Well, I don't know what to do because the stig says he reckons it's a three-second penalty for
00:35:58cutting the corners.
00:36:01I told you he was an unpleasant man.
00:36:03He's not a nice man.
00:36:04What do we think?
00:36:06Leave?
00:36:07Leave it there.
00:36:08Leave it there.
00:36:09Leave it there.
00:36:10Leave it there.
00:36:11Leave it there.
00:36:12People power.
00:36:13I'm sorry.
00:36:14I'm quite happy with that.
00:36:15Well, you would be.
00:36:16I would...
00:36:17It's like I could get home in really quick time if I just drove straight across all the
00:36:20feet.
00:36:21Just standing there you are.
00:36:22Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Piper.
00:36:31Now, this is the new Mustang.
00:36:36We drove it a while back and we found it a bit, well, lame.
00:36:39But the thing about the Mustang is you can always improve the breed.
00:36:43As I shall now explain with a rather noisy history lesson.
00:36:46One of the many great things about the Mustang is that it really introduced drivers to the
00:37:01whole idea of options of specking up your car.
00:37:05The GT390 is, in car terms, one of the seven wonders of the world.
00:37:20The noise, the presence.
00:37:21Very, very few cars live up to their height.
00:37:23But this car does, and I should know, because this is my GT390.
00:37:27And I'm using it to make a Mustang point.
00:37:28Everything that made it good.
00:37:29The engine, the lights, the stripes.
00:37:30Was extra.
00:37:31Basically, if you wanted a Mustang, it was extra.
00:37:32Basically, if you wanted a Mustang, it was extra.
00:37:33It was just one of the seven wonders of the world.
00:37:34The noise, the presence.
00:37:35The noise, the presence.
00:37:36Very, very few cars live up to their height.
00:37:39But this car does, and I should know, because this is my GT390.
00:37:49I'm using it to make a Mustang point.
00:37:52Everything that made it good.
00:37:54The engine, the lights, the stripes.
00:37:57Was extra.
00:37:59Basically, if you wanted a good one, you had to forget cheap and cheerful
00:38:02and go for the bells and whistles version.
00:38:04And that is what's been missing so far from the new one.
00:38:12Until now.
00:38:13This is the Mustang GT500.
00:38:25And from every angle, you can see its muscle car biceps straining to burst out of the bodywork.
00:38:34It's also festooned with menacing Cobra badges, a tribute to tuning legend Carol Shelby.
00:38:43Now, Shelby only ever put his name to the fastest and most powerful Mustangs.
00:38:48Which means this thing has got to be more than just a fashion statement.
00:38:54And it is.
00:38:55Good God!
00:39:02You see, this car has the supercharged V8 from the Ford GT.
00:39:06Which means power goes up from 300 to 500 mW.
00:39:130 to 60, 4.9 seconds.
00:39:170 to 100, 10 seconds.
00:39:190 to 100, 10 seconds.
00:39:30In America, the GT500 has gone down a storm.
00:39:34The queues are out of the door and ran the block.
00:39:36Now, if you wait your turn, you could put one of these on your drive in Britain for 35,000 pounds.
00:39:45Sounds tempting.
00:39:46The question is, should you?
00:39:49Let's start with the power.
00:39:51That 500 horsepower, it's a bit, you know, neat.
00:39:55This is a rolling road.
00:40:00It's a sort of lie detector for engines and gives the true horsepower reading.
00:40:10Genuinely looking forward to this.
00:40:18What's the score?
00:40:20Really?
00:40:22Right.
00:40:23So this GT500 actually makes 447.
00:40:30Er, almost.
00:40:33There you go.
00:40:34That seems fair enough.
00:40:35You know, thinking about it, while I've got the machine here...
00:40:41Please don't hurt it.
00:40:43It had, when it was brand new, 325 horsepower.
00:40:51And I'm assured by the man who sold me it, that this is a fine example of the breed.
00:41:04250.
00:41:07Anyway, back to the job in hand.
00:41:09And speaking of disappointments...
00:41:12Multi-linked geometry.
00:41:14Dual weight, remote reservoir dampers.
00:41:16Fully independent rear suspension.
00:41:18These are just some of the things that this Mustang...
00:41:22Hasn't got.
00:41:28No, what this car uses is a live axle.
00:41:31Which, as rear suspension goes, is basically a whacking great girder with a wheel at each end.
00:41:37It's not exactly the most modern layout.
00:41:40I think Noah's Ark had a similar setup.
00:41:43Because the technology is old-fashioned, you can have some good old-fashioned fun.
00:41:49But when it all goes wrong, the Mustang becomes as precise and dynamic as, well, an Ark.
00:41:54Now, Ford say they didn't give the GT500 modern suspension because it would have added $5,000 to the price of each car.
00:42:04That is a ridiculous decision.
00:42:08You can't just give a car an extra 200 brake horsepower and then leave it with prehistoric suspension.
00:42:15What you're left with, then, is a car that looks great and goes fast in a straight line.
00:42:25And that's it.
00:42:27But don't despair.
00:42:28If you really want to spend 30 grand on a Mustang that looks good and goes fast in a straight line...
00:42:38Then why not buy the one that has the pedigree and the history...
00:42:44...and makes a great noise?
00:42:46Buy this one.
00:42:47Well, not this one, obviously.
00:42:49It's a bit down on power.
00:42:50No, you're right. You're absolutely right. You cannot put...
00:43:03You can't put that much power in a car without changing the suspension. You just can't. Or the brakes.
00:43:07No, exactly. The rest of it can't handle it.
00:43:09Anyway, we must now find out how fast the Shelby goes round our track.
00:43:13And to do that, we've got to put it in the hands of our tame racing driver.
00:43:17Some say he isn't machine washable.
00:43:21And all his potted plants are called Steve.
00:43:24All we know is he's called the Stig.
00:43:28Okay, away he goes.
00:43:30And you can see the back wheels bobbing around, struggling for grip.
00:43:34That's the low-tech suspension for you.
00:43:36Let's see how it affects things in the corners.
00:43:38Diving into the first one now.
00:43:40Looking fairly composed so far. Not too bad.
00:43:42Just breaking loose a little bit on the exit there.
00:43:46Guiding his hands, she helped him to unbutton her pretty lilac blouse.
00:43:51More gushing fiction from Stig's collection there.
00:43:54Chicago now.
00:43:56You can see it trying to cock her back wheel, and then it gets all out of shape on the way out.
00:43:59That is messy.
00:44:01Hammerhead now.
00:44:03Heaving forward on the brakes, then it's lurching over into the turn.
00:44:06Stig kicks it into a bit of a drift. It's smoking the inside wheel, but not elegant.
00:44:10Locking her arms round his neck, she softly pressed her lips to his.
00:44:14In to follow through.
00:44:15Chance to see this car at its best now, which is in a straight line.
00:44:19Yep, that's fast through the tyres.
00:44:21Two corners left.
00:44:23Oh dear, wallowing about like a frisky hippo there.
00:44:26Just Gambon to negotiate now.
00:44:27He hurls it in.
00:44:29Dab of opposite lock, and across the line.
00:44:32It did it in.
00:44:36One minute, thirty, exactly.
00:44:39One thirty, so...
00:44:41Precisely, yeah.
00:44:42The same as a Monaro.
00:44:43Yes, which is good, but not brilliant.
00:44:45The thing is, you can see it wobbling about in that...
00:44:47I mean, it sticks all over the place.
00:44:49And that really brings me on to this, okay, which is the Roush Mustang.
00:44:53Now, it's only got 415 brake horsepower, this, okay, which obviously isn't as much as the Shelby,
00:44:58but they have changed the suspension, they have changed the brakes,
00:45:02and I drove this last year in America, and it was just...
00:45:06I mean, really properly brilliant car, this.
00:45:08But if I'm right, this is what, £10,000 more expensive than the Shelby?
00:45:12Well, yes, but it's £10,000 more car, it really is.
00:45:15In fact, earlier on, after the Stig had been out in the Shelby,
00:45:18we gave this to him, and this is what it looked like out there.
00:45:21Here he is, coming up to... where is he now?
00:45:24That's Chicago.
00:45:25You see, look, there's no wobbling like there was in the Shelby.
00:45:29Also makes... you've got that supercharger wind, and then the exhaust.
00:45:31This has got a limited slip diff as well, which the Shelby hasn't,
00:45:35so it doesn't just spin all the power away on the inside wheel.
00:45:38It's...
00:45:40God, that's such a nice car.
00:45:42Do you know what the time was?
00:45:44Go on.
00:45:45Well, what was this?
00:45:464.50 or thereabouts.
00:45:47Yeah.
00:45:48It was 1.28.
00:45:49Whoa!
00:45:50One minute 28, so it's two seconds faster than the Shelby.
00:45:54But it is M3 money.
00:45:56Yes, but honestly, I'd have one of those if I were the sort of person
00:46:01who looked at my sister and thought, hmm.
00:46:04LAUGHTER
00:46:06Now, earlier you saw us buy three normal cars
00:46:09and turn them into stretch limousines.
00:46:11Then we went down to our test track for a series of challenges.
00:46:15And I have to say that, Jeremy, your panda was rubbish, mate.
00:46:19Absolutely rubbish.
00:46:20Yeah, it wasn't brilliant, no.
00:46:21It came... what?
00:46:22You got the most hits in the anti-terrorist test?
00:46:23Yes, it did.
00:46:24And then it was knocked out by a hosepipe.
00:46:25Anyway, for the final challenge, we were told to smarten ourselves up
00:46:29because we would be chauffeuring top celebrities
00:46:32to this year's glittering Brit Awards.
00:46:35Yes, we would.
00:46:36And the winner would be the person who could get the most photographs
00:46:41of their celebrity in the following week's newspapers and magazines.
00:46:45This is what happened.
00:46:46Before being allowed on the road,
00:46:53each of our cars had to face a government inspection
00:46:55to make sure they were road legal.
00:46:58Hammond sailed through no problem at all
00:47:01and so amazingly did Mays.
00:47:04Me, though, I had a problem.
00:47:08For some extraordinary reason,
00:47:10the rules say you can't drive a 46-foot car on the public highway,
00:47:14so I had to do some surgery.
00:47:19I've had to lock seven feet out of the middle,
00:47:21which has affected rear leg room a little bit,
00:47:23but it is now quite nippy
00:47:25because it's only eight feet longer than a bus.
00:47:33For my pick-up, I had to go to a hotel in Chelsea
00:47:36to collect a Brit nominee called Lamar.
00:47:41Hello.
00:47:42Mr Lamar.
00:47:43Oh, yes.
00:47:44My name's May.
00:47:45I'm your chauffeur for the day.
00:47:46OK.
00:47:47How do you do?
00:47:48This is your car.
00:47:50It's an Alfa Saab.
00:47:54Meanwhile, I'd been sent to EMI Records in West London.
00:47:59It's just got a bit dented.
00:48:00There's a little polish there.
00:48:03Everyone's a critic.
00:48:04And my VIP pick-up was R&B star Jamelia.
00:48:09Oh, my God.
00:48:11OK.
00:48:13No expense spent.
00:48:15Whilst Hammond got the glamorous singer,
00:48:17I had to pick up a fat man.
00:48:21Oh, God.
00:48:23Chris Moyle from Radio One.
00:48:24This is your luxury limousine transportation?
00:48:27It's not what I had in mind.
00:48:33Right.
00:48:34Here we go.
00:48:35Sit back, relax.
00:48:37Oh.
00:48:39Why is it there?
00:48:48OK, if you'd like to step in, that would be great.
00:48:50And we'll get off.
00:48:51What?
00:48:55What?
00:49:01Um, this is the intercom?
00:49:02Yes.
00:49:03You press that button if you want to talk to me.
00:49:05If it starts to rain, don't press it,
00:49:07because you'll get electrocuted.
00:49:15Eventually, though, all our passengers were on board
00:49:18and we were ready.
00:49:19Are you comfortable?
00:49:21No.
00:49:24Good God.
00:49:26We were all now heading for Earl's Court.
00:49:30The Brits is one of the biggest nights in the showbiz calendar
00:49:33with most celebs hoping to look impressive
00:49:36by arriving in a big, shiny German car.
00:49:40We were going to show them the error of their ways.
00:49:47It's better than an Audi.
00:49:48This will get you noticed.
00:49:51Look what happened to Dave Lee Travis.
00:49:52He's on three counties' radio now,
00:49:54because he didn't think to use cars like this
00:49:56for going to awards ceremonies.
00:49:59Now, I've chosen this route to demonstrate
00:50:01the brilliance of my car.
00:50:06Meanwhile, in the Alfarb,
00:50:07Lamar was riveted by James' conversation.
00:50:10There is a small issue with the congestion charge,
00:50:13because, as I'm sure you know,
00:50:14the camera records the rear view of the car.
00:50:17Yeah.
00:50:18But when they look at the photographs,
00:50:19it will give the registration number of a Saab,
00:50:22but the photograph will show the front of an Alfa.
00:50:25So it will look as so somebody with the wrong sort of car
00:50:28for the number plate has reversed into London.
00:50:31Back in the Panda, my demonstration of its brilliance wasn't going too well.
00:50:40Oh!
00:50:41Oh, here it comes!
00:50:42You're clutching it!
00:50:45Oh!
00:50:46It's still standing!
00:50:47Exactly!
00:50:48There's nothing wrong with it.
00:50:49Shush!
00:50:50We can edit that bit out.
00:50:52So when the digital camera takes a picture,
00:50:55it thinks, well, that's a Saab.
00:50:57But when they look at the photo,
00:50:58they'll see it's an Alfa Romeo,
00:50:59and it's going the wrong way.
00:51:01Hyde Park on the left there, sir.
00:51:04In the MG,
00:51:06poor old Jamelia was attracting a lot of attention from fans,
00:51:09not least because Hammond had had to modify his intercom
00:51:13to make it legal.
00:51:15Sorry about the fan thing trying to chat you up there.
00:51:18That was a bit awkward for you, I'm sure.
00:51:20I can't hear you.
00:51:21Oh.
00:51:22So, Jamelia was embarrassed in the MG,
00:51:25Lamar was bored in the Alfa,
00:51:28and Chris had yet to appreciate the Panda's brilliance.
00:51:32Oh, that is a catastrophe that's just happened now.
00:51:37Is that car behind me very close?
00:51:40Yes.
00:51:41And then Lamar woke up as he began to realise
00:51:44that James had no idea where he was going.
00:51:48So the car doesn't have navigation, I take it?
00:51:51Well, it has navigation of sorts in that it has a driver
00:51:54who's lived in London for 20 years, 21 years,
00:51:56and he's been back.
00:51:57Where are we now, sir?
00:51:59Um, we're just coming on to, um...
00:52:02Er...
00:52:04Er...
00:52:05Er...
00:52:07To distract Chris from the fact
00:52:09that we were almost constantly stuck,
00:52:11I engaged him in some musical small talk.
00:52:14I once went to Earl's Court in 1976,
00:52:17saw bad company there, Simon Kirk,
00:52:19he did a drum solo like you wouldn't believe.
00:52:23It was now 6 o'clock.
00:52:26Lamar was supposed to be at the Brits in half an hour,
00:52:29and James was miles away,
00:52:31stuck in the side streets of central London.
00:52:33Actually, if you don't mind, sir,
00:52:35this is sort of where I need your help.
00:52:37Um...
00:52:38OK.
00:52:39Because the reason this car will go round these very small corners
00:52:42is because you can steer it from both ends,
00:52:44but I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to sit in the Alfa Romeo and steer.
00:52:47By this stage, Moyles was hungry and thirsty,
00:52:57and because I hadn't thought to include any on-board catering,
00:53:00he'd been shopping for supplies.
00:53:07What was that?
00:53:08I was getting on my seat.
00:53:10Oh, so I thought someone had run into us.
00:53:12Turn left.
00:53:17Right, left?
00:53:19Your left.
00:53:20My left?
00:53:21Yeah.
00:53:22That's it, that's perfect, you see?
00:53:25Straight round that very tight bend.
00:53:26You see, now, a normal limousine wouldn't go round like that, would it?
00:53:29Let's do another one.
00:53:30Hard left, sir.
00:53:33OK, so this, um...
00:53:36The whole thing is not...
00:53:38You need to straighten up a bit so we're crabbing...
00:53:40Well, I can't because the whole, you know, your wheel thing is a bit...
00:53:48Tamelia was closer to Earl's Court than Lamar, but no happier.
00:53:57The accelerator's stuck open a bit.
00:54:01But if you think about it, I had to link it to the back of the car.
00:54:03It's hydrogas suspension and the crash in the brake...
00:54:11Oh, hang on.
00:54:13That doesn't sound good.
00:54:17Thanks.
00:54:21Whoa!
00:54:22Sorry.
00:54:23Road closed.
00:54:24I'm gonna go right.
00:54:25Right.
00:54:26And then it got worse.
00:54:30That's not gone well, has it?
00:54:31Where are you going?
00:54:33You're going that way.
00:54:34Right.
00:54:35Sorry.
00:54:36Sorry.
00:54:40Oh, my God!
00:54:41This is gonna work right now!
00:54:43Sorry.
00:54:45That's the famous Harrods department store on the left.
00:54:50You know, earlier when I was talking about circles?
00:54:52You know?
00:54:53What's that mean?
00:54:54Harrods.
00:54:55I've seen it twice.
00:54:56I don't really need to see it a third time.
00:54:59The bus couldn't back up and I was stuck on a double mini roundabout.
00:55:04I can't make this turn, Chris, at all.
00:55:06Stop where you're going!
00:55:07Go!
00:55:10Sorry.
00:55:15There!
00:55:16We're clear.
00:55:17Earl's Court was now just minutes away.
00:55:20What was that noise?
00:55:23At the Brits, the world media were waiting for Jamelia's arrival.
00:55:30I still don't think you appreciate the complexity of linking up a rear-engine car when you stretched it.
00:55:35Go!
00:55:36Go!
00:55:37Go!
00:55:38Go!
00:55:39Go!
00:55:40Go!
00:55:41Go!
00:55:42Go!
00:55:43Go!
00:55:44Go!
00:55:45Go!
00:55:46And she wasn't too pleased with my clever exit solution.
00:55:49No!
00:55:50I'm the other side!
00:55:51I'm the other side!
00:55:56Sorry about the ladder thing.
00:55:57The steps weren't ideal.
00:56:00Whilst Jamelia regained her composure, I checked on the others.
00:56:03Jeremy, how are you doing?
00:56:06Erm, not well.
00:56:11It's what?
00:56:12It's in two pieces on the Lily Road.
00:56:15It's broken in half.
00:56:17I'm sorry not to give more support.
00:56:24Sorry, Chris.
00:56:25You end up being like an hour late or something like that, at this rate, doesn't it?
00:56:34You know?
00:56:35It's the first time I'm nominated.
00:56:36It's best male, you know?
00:56:37UK, best male, Lamar.
00:56:38Surely, sir, in the music business, it's fashionable to be quite late anybody.
00:56:42Nobody ever turns up on time, do they?
00:56:44They're fashionably late and they're stupidly late.
00:56:46You know?
00:56:47I can only apologise, sir, but this is...
00:56:48I don't want to hear anything.
00:56:49Just, please, just get me there.
00:56:52Well, there's five minutes to go.
00:56:55May is hopelessly lost.
00:56:57Jeremy's car is split in half.
00:56:59That means, by default, if nothing else, I am the winner!
00:57:07Hammond may have been gloating, but I wasn't out of the competition yet.
00:57:29What time do the awards start?
00:57:32About five minutes!
00:57:33Ah!
00:57:34Ah!
00:57:35Ah!
00:57:40Ah!
00:57:45Ah!
00:57:48I hear that man!
00:57:53Oh!
00:57:54Wait, wait, wait, wait.
00:57:55All right.
00:57:56Dignity.
00:57:57Dignity, yeah.
00:57:58Dignity.
00:57:59So Moyles was happy, but Hammond wasn't.
00:58:05You're cheating. You're finished with half a car.
00:58:08You're supposed to finish with a stretch.
00:58:10I've got the man here.
00:58:13Meanwhile, in a car somewhere nowhere near Earl's court,
00:58:17Lamar, acknowledged as one of the gentlemen of Pop, had had enough.
00:58:21Strictly speaking, it's left, but I think if we go right,
00:58:24I can go round the back.
00:58:25What do you mean, right?
00:58:27Well...
00:58:28Right, why? You just said...
00:58:30No, listen, you just said go left, right?
00:58:32Well, most people would go left, sir.
00:58:33So why don't we just follow what most people do?
00:58:36Because I think if we go right...
00:58:38No, are you doing this intentionally now?
00:58:39No.
00:58:39This is just...
00:58:40This is just stupid.
00:58:41This is just...
00:58:42Are you a jerk?
00:58:43No, but...
00:58:43Have you come to mess up my day?
00:58:45You've picked me up, you've driven me round and round in circles in London,
00:58:48been past Harry's 11 hundred times now.
00:58:51Left, you're telling me to go right.
00:58:52I'm not taking this anymore.
00:58:53I'm not taking this damn door.
00:58:54I'm thinking...
00:58:55Try that out.
00:58:55I think I've strictly thought of it a little bit off that habit.
00:58:59Get it.
00:59:00No, no, I've got like that with him after half a day.
00:59:14We have to work with him all the time.
00:59:15I know.
00:59:16Anyway, clearly, I won.
00:59:18No, hang on a minute.
00:59:20The competition was to see who could get the most photographs of their celebrity in newspapers
00:59:25and magazines.
00:59:26Now, I know this is the most pointless question ever, since you ended up in Norwich.
00:59:29How many?
00:59:30Ah, none.
00:59:31None at all?
00:59:32And you?
00:59:33None.
00:59:34Don't tell me there was a picture of Chris Moyles somewhere.
00:59:37Da-da!
00:59:37Look it out.
00:59:40Read it and weep.
00:59:40There it is.
00:59:42Well, hang on.
00:59:42That's your page in your newspaper that you're writing about.
00:59:46Yes.
00:59:46Well, you cheated.
00:59:48Well, you two have both got newspaper columns.
00:59:50You could have done it.
00:59:50You just didn't think.
00:59:52Come on, Jeremy.
00:59:52You can't claim you've won just because of that passport picture.
00:59:56Yes, I can.
00:59:57It's the winner.
00:59:58But you hit every single bollard in East London.
01:00:01West, James.
01:00:02West, wherever.
01:00:03And then you've finished with half a car.
01:00:05You're half a person.
01:00:08It seemed to bother you.
01:00:09Anyway, I'm afraid I did win that, chaps.
01:00:12And on that bombshell, it's time to end the show and indeed the series.
01:00:16We've no idea when we'll be back.
01:00:18I'll tell you something, though.
01:00:19The three of us will be back here to record a special Top Gear of the Pops for comic relief
01:00:25in a couple of weeks.
01:00:27We hope to see you then.
01:00:28Thank you very much for watching.
01:00:29Good night.
01:00:30Don't worry.
01:00:32Top Gear's back in the summer with a brand new series.
01:00:35OK, next tonight, an unsettling look at the conspiracies surrounding the Oklahoma bombing
01:00:39here on 2.
01:00:40Nicole Kidman stars in Cold Mountain on BBC One.
01:00:43And Russell Crowe in the Oscar-winning Beautiful Mind, starting now on BBC Three.
01:00:48We'll see you then.
01:00:49We'll see you then.
01:00:49We'll see you then.
01:00:49We'll see you then.
01:00:50We'll see you then.
01:00:51We'll see you then.
01:00:51We'll see you then.
01:00:52We'll see you then.
01:00:53We'll see you then.
01:00:54We'll see you then.
01:00:55We'll see you then.
01:00:56We'll see you then.
01:00:57We'll see you then.
01:00:58We'll see you then.
01:00:59We'll see you then.
01:01:00We'll see you then.
01:01:01We'll see you then.
01:01:02We'll see you then.
01:01:03We'll see you then.
01:01:04We'll see you then.
01:01:05We'll see you then.
01:01:06We'll see you then.
01:01:07We'll see you then.
01:01:08We'll see you then.
01:01:09We'll see you then.
01:01:10We'll see you then.
01:01:11We'll see you then.
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