- 3 months ago
In the Series 13 finale, the team wrap up their Volkswagen Scirocco advertising challenge, joined by guest Jay Leno in the studio. A season-ending blend of motoring fun, creative antics and celebrity laps.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight, Richard has a crisis, some sheep on our track, and James and I go to the laboratory.
00:00:20Good evening. Hello. Hello, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.
00:00:37Yes, and welcome to the final show in the series. Sad.
00:00:45Now, as I'm sure you know, we don't often do consumer advice on this show, but tonight we are.
00:00:53Because, you see, if you were in the market for a large, fast, spacious executive saloon car, you'd imagine that you'd be spoilt for choice.
00:01:01Me too. However, Richard Hammond, who is quite mad, has decided that every single one of them has a fatal flaw.
00:01:11It really doesn't matter which one you pick. Take this, for example, the Audi S4.
00:01:18Yes, it's fast, and it's well built, and it's safe. But it has one big problem.
00:01:25It's built entirely for businessmen. And real businessmen are not The Apprentice and Dragon's Den and Richard Branson, all helicopters and hostile takeovers.
00:01:35They're actually quite dull and work in Swindon.
00:01:41Their cars aren't cars. They're uniforms. Silver or black paint, maybe a splash of wood on the dash, and that's your lot.
00:01:49And it doesn't matter where you go, Audi, Mercedes, BMW, they're all so obsessed with what each other is doing, that they all end up making exactly the same car.
00:02:01So if you don't want a businessman's sports saloon, what do you do?
00:02:07Especially if, like me, you're a bit of a...
00:02:12Yeah, what we need right now is something to come and save the day.
00:02:16This looks promising.
00:02:26Now, if you were watching earlier in the series, you'll have seen Jeremy going on about a car that sounds like it's having a Lady Chatterley crisis.
00:02:36And this is it.
00:02:38The Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst Edition.
00:02:41The interesting bit there is the Bathurst bit, because this car is Australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race.
00:02:52Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fist fight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.
00:03:02And this car, with its supercharged 6.2 litre V8, is one hell of a fist fight.
00:03:08I just love the sound of a supercharger.
00:03:13That whine, you can hear it now.
00:03:15That shriek.
00:03:17It's an outback choir.
00:03:18You've got the tenor of the supercharger, and then the bass of the V8.
00:03:22And it gets better.
00:03:25This button here, it says bimodal on it.
00:03:29And if I press that, it adjusts valves and things in the exhaust system and makes it louder.
00:03:37What this car does, is go to 11.
00:03:39I fear that anyone who likes the Bathurst is probably quite a bad businessman.
00:03:47The world of PowerPoints will not take you seriously.
00:03:51But hey, the consolation is, when your business does eventually go bust, there's no way in hell will the bailiff ever catch you.
00:03:570-60 takes just 4.6 seconds.
00:04:04Top speed and limited 155 miles an hour.
00:04:08Of course, the Germans will do that too.
00:04:10But they won't dish out as much fun when you do this.
00:04:13Apparently, suspension is adjustable.
00:04:24Presumably from oversteer to, oh dear, we've just crashed.
00:04:32Just astonishing.
00:04:35I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's.
00:04:40Just a fact.
00:04:44It costs £45,000, and for that you get almost limitless vulgarity.
00:04:51No spoiler is too big.
00:04:54No vent is too gaping.
00:04:57No supercharger too red.
00:05:00In short, the perfect fast saloon for anyone who's not a businessman.
00:05:04I'm thinking actors, vicars, professors, children.
00:05:14But what if you're a builder or a farmer, or anyone who has to move around loads of stuff?
00:05:20They really are in a petrol head wasteland, because often as not, they have to drive about in something as slow and dull as this.
00:05:28Sure, it's practical, but 0-60 comes up in...
00:05:32Well, I've been on the go sometime and it hasn't happened yet.
00:05:35And that's just not fair.
00:05:36Ideally, what you need is a combination of that and that. If only such a thing existed.
00:05:46And for the second time today, unfortunately, it's Australia that comes to the rescue.
00:06:01This is called the Malu, which in aborigine means thunder.
00:06:10Now, strictly speaking, because it's Australian, this isn't a pick-up. It's a ute.
00:06:15And you can now buy it in this country for £37,000.
00:06:20Which sounds like quite a lot, but you haven't seen yet how it can enrich your life.
00:06:27Say you're at the lights next to the IT boy in his supercharged Audi.
00:06:34In a normal pick-up, when the lights went green, he'd leave you in a cloud of business dust.
00:06:40Not in this one.
00:06:45Reeling them in.
00:06:50Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:06:52I'm sorry, fella. This is the fastest ute in the world.
00:06:570-65 seconds. Top speed limited to 155.
00:07:03That means you can worry people in 911s.
00:07:06And it's all down to a huge 419 horsepower 6.2-litre V8.
00:07:15But that's enough maths. Time for a quick ute history lesson.
00:07:20It started in the 1930s when a farmer's wife wrote to Ford of Australia complaining that there was no car that could take her to church on a Sunday and the pigs to market on a Monday.
00:07:30The answer was, the ute and the Australians have worshipped them ever since.
00:07:35Now, you might think that because it's basically a piece of farm machinery with a big engine, drag racing is all it can do.
00:07:45Not so.
00:07:46The Marlou loves corners.
00:07:52In fact, it gets a bit carried away.
00:07:55Yeah, there's no weight over the back end, so it is a bit noisy.
00:08:09And adding weight to the back doesn't work that well either.
00:08:15Oh no!
00:08:16My Haybase solutions system needs refining, but the fact is, the next time you wake up and realise that you're not a businessman, but you like a fast car.
00:08:30Remember, the Aussies are here to help.
00:08:48What are we working with?
00:08:51I had a good point. It's a good point.
00:08:54Is that your idea of consumer advice?
00:08:56Yes!
00:08:58You really are a steak and kidney lock opener, aren't you?
00:09:01But, we must now find how fast these cars go round our track and that, of course, means handing the moment to our tame racing driver.
00:09:09Some say that he cut that man's hair.
00:09:17And that if he compensated the soldier for getting wounded, he wouldn't try to take it all back again.
00:09:24All we know is, he's got the steak.
00:09:28And they're off.
00:09:30Extraordinary whining from the Bathurst.
00:09:33Just distant thunder from the Marlou as they go down to the first corner.
00:09:37Straight away, the front heavy ute is getting frisky.
00:09:41Bathurst look responding with a slight.
00:09:47Oh, my God, how many bagpipes are we hearing there?
00:09:51Two, seven, one, with a hole in it.
00:09:54OK, he's round Chicago, and now we're at Hammerhead, Malou.
00:09:58Does not look like the easiest thing in the world to drive.
00:10:02And the Bathurst is just a supercharged portable drift machine, look at it!
00:10:07Fantastic!
00:10:08That is literally the most painful drone I've heard since James tried to explain fuel injection to me.
00:10:22Two corners left, Bathurst really getting its tone out.
00:10:26And now, if we look at the Malouies as well, sideways calls from an upside down country!
00:10:35OK, you first, Hammond.
00:10:38OK.
00:10:40Your pick-up truck.
00:10:42My pick-up truck did it in.
00:10:44One minute, 27.1.
00:10:46It's as fast as an Aston Martin DB9!
00:10:49That's unbelievable!
00:10:51What a car!
00:10:53Oh, well done.
00:10:55The Bathurst...
00:10:57The Bathurst did it in one minute, 26.3.
00:11:02So it's about the same as a BMW M5.
00:11:06And that really does make it the perfect car for anyone whose business is selling pegs and heather.
00:11:13And now the news, and the big news this week, is a new Ferrari.
00:11:17Here it is.
00:11:18The F430 Scuderia convertible.
00:11:22Hmm.
00:11:23And if you are one of the 499 people who have ordered one of those, all we have to say to you is,
00:11:29you big daft cock.
00:11:31Big mistake.
00:11:33Error.
00:11:34That was a massive mistake because while you were doing that, Ferrari were working on this.
00:11:38This is the replacement for the Ford.
00:11:39Yeah.
00:11:40Well, yes, exactly.
00:11:41That's the 458 Italia.
00:11:42And I have to say, from the front, it looks absolutely exquisite.
00:11:47But from the back, it looks even exquisiter.
00:11:50How do you feel now?
00:11:52How do you feel now?
00:11:53No, it's just beautiful.
00:11:54And what's more, this is fantastic to drive.
00:11:57How can you possibly know that?
00:11:59Nobody's driven it yet.
00:12:01Because, aha, history teaches us this.
00:12:04Because every single time the Ferrari Formula One team is doing well, their road cars are rubbish.
00:12:09And every time their Formula One car is doing very badly, their road cars are brilliant.
00:12:13And this year, you see what I'm saying?
00:12:16They can't win anything, even an egg and spoon race.
00:12:19He's absolutely right.
00:12:20And the problem is, if you've only got 100 people working for you,
00:12:23and 50 of them are completely bogged down designing, you know, a windscreen wiper for a road car,
00:12:28you haven't got enough people left to win the Formula One World Championship.
00:12:31And do you know why? Formula One cars are designed by men, and men cannot do two things at once.
00:12:36No, that's a good point. We can't.
00:12:38Am I right?
00:12:39Yes, exactly.
00:12:40Well, we'll admit that. We cannot multitask. Please.
00:12:42I mean, no, don't ask me now. I'm putting this pen away.
00:12:46Now you can talk. Hold on.
00:12:49Can you talk? I've breathed in.
00:12:50Hold. I'm breathing out again. We can't do two.
00:12:53Just breathing in and then breathing out.
00:12:55It's enough for us to be occupied.
00:12:57Absolutely. Hey, now, people, people, can I just get serious for a moment? Would you mind?
00:13:01It's just that we've heard that over in Amsterdam at night, various drunken lamps, there's no other word for them,
00:13:06have been picking up, you know the little smart cars, and throwing them into the canal. We've got a picture here.
00:13:11Seriously.
00:13:13No, no, no, no, no, really. I mean, apparently it only takes four people to pick one of those things up and just lob it in the drink.
00:13:19Now, I bring this up because I'm just slightly worried that over here in England people might start picking up those little electric gee whizzes.
00:13:27And throwing them in the river.
00:13:29Can you imagine how awful that would be for Mr. Weirdbeard if his pride and joy were to find itself one morning in the Thames?
00:13:35Yeah. I really cannot urge you enough not to do that.
00:13:40Thinking about it, if you did lob an electric car into a river, wouldn't it kill all the fish?
00:13:45And it'd all float on the river.
00:13:46Electric, would it? Would it do that?
00:13:48Yeah, probably.
00:13:49Are there any electricians here?
00:13:51Would it electrocute the... Why aren't you at work?
00:13:57Would it electrocute the fish?
00:14:00Why?
00:14:02The voltage is too low and the amps.
00:14:05So it turns out it's fine to throw a gee whiz into a...
00:14:08Can't advise that.
00:14:09That's okay.
00:14:10I'm not convinced by that though, because I think electricity is a mystery.
00:14:15It is.
00:14:17I don't actually believe in it.
00:14:19You don't believe in electricity.
00:14:21Nobody really understands it.
00:14:23What you are witnessing here is Asperger's made real.
00:14:29Is that what makes my wee smell funny?
00:14:31No!
00:14:33I know that's asparagus.
00:14:38Now, you may have heard a few days ago that Michael Schumacher is standing in for the injured Philippa Massa, okay?
00:14:45Interesting timing.
00:14:47This is the last programme in our series.
00:14:50No more cars to test till November on the track.
00:14:53Suddenly he's available.
00:14:55Well, no.
00:14:57We're not saying anything.
00:14:58It's just those are the facts.
00:14:59Those are simply the facts.
00:15:01Suddenly available.
00:15:02I do want to talk about Philippa Massa.
00:15:04Yeah.
00:15:05Obviously he was injured in the Hungarian Grand Prix when a spring hit him in the face at 140 miles an hour.
00:15:13I'm just staggered.
00:15:14He wasn't killed.
00:15:15Yeah, because he weighs about the same as, what, a bag of sugar.
00:15:17Yeah.
00:15:18But the thing is, he was wearing one of those new regulation carbon fibre crash helmets.
00:15:21And they are unbelievably strong.
00:15:24Because the injuries he's got, as far as I can work out, are very similar to the ones you've got.
00:15:29Yes, possibly, yeah.
00:15:30It's kind of frontal lobe damage.
00:15:31So that's kind of where you live.
00:15:32So that's personality, emotional control, spatial awareness, all of that.
00:15:35Hopefully getting better.
00:15:36So, does that mean that if he gets better, and God we're all praying he does, that he's going to become an irritating little arse?
00:15:43It could.
00:15:54You never know with brain damage.
00:15:56Or it could happen that you come back to work and suddenly discover the people he works with are, well, they've become quite incredibly irritating.
00:16:03And quite fat.
00:16:06It can happen.
00:16:07Anyway, look, Philippa, I know you're not watching because you're in Italy or wherever, but we are thinking of you.
00:16:12Everybody here wishes you a speedy recovery.
00:16:15Yeah.
00:16:23Now, you know we used to say in the olden days, that all bad drivers drove Volvos, particularly bikers.
00:16:29Okay, now this was a good thing, because you knew where the bad drivers were.
00:16:32You saw a Volvo, you knew it was a bad driver, all was well.
00:16:36Then Volvo started making good cars, the T5 and so on, the bad drivers dispersed, we didn't know what they were in.
00:16:41So what are the bad drivers in?
00:16:43I think quite a few ended up in my cruise.
00:16:45This is my cruise?
00:16:46Yeah.
00:16:47I think you're right, yeah?
00:16:48I think quite a few ended up in Kia Sedona's.
00:16:50I think Korean cars in general.
00:16:52Certainly if I see a Korean car coming towards me, I pull over, get out, hide behind a tree.
00:16:57You just don't want to take any chances.
00:16:59The thing is this.
00:17:00If you buy a rubbish car, what you are saying is, I have no interest in cars.
00:17:04If you have no interest in cars, you have no interest in driving.
00:17:07And if you have no interest in something, it means you're no good at it.
00:17:10Which means you must have your driving license taken away.
00:17:13I went on the internet this week to compile a series of clips of people having parking accidents.
00:17:19You know, minor bumps and scrapes.
00:17:21See if you can spot something that all the cars have in common.
00:17:24Here we go.
00:17:25Now, what's that?
00:17:26That's a...
00:17:27Which one are we looking at?
00:17:28This one.
00:17:29That's a Honda.
00:17:30We're not talking here about a good driver, are we?
00:17:34Because they've got the pedals muddled up.
00:17:37Okay, right.
00:17:38Oh, it's a Skoda.
00:17:39Big gate there.
00:17:40Oh dear, no.
00:17:48Oh, worst car in the world?
00:17:49Is it...
00:17:50Is it a Neon?
00:17:51Yes, yes.
00:17:52I believe this to be a Chrysler Neon.
00:17:53Didn't Chrysler do that yet.
00:17:55Anyone driving while there, take the license away.
00:17:56Or that one.
00:17:57It's incredible.
00:18:00I think this is a Pontiac.
00:18:03Yes.
00:18:04That's gone wrong.
00:18:07Now, here we are.
00:18:08We're in Britain for this one.
00:18:09That's a bad driver.
00:18:11He's got a bus, but he's made it.
00:18:12And here comes the Honda.
00:18:13Oh!
00:18:14No!
00:18:15It's a perfectly valid theory, because if you had absolutely no interest whatsoever in how
00:18:26the human body works, you wouldn't get a job as a surgeon, would you?
00:18:29No.
00:18:30Really?
00:18:31If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it.
00:18:32You shouldn't be allowed to do it.
00:18:33No, exactly.
00:18:34I mean, it would be like asking him to cook Sunday lunch.
00:18:38Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
00:18:40Yeah, you boil the meat or whatever.
00:18:41No, I'm not interested in food, so I'm not interested in cooking.
00:18:45There you are, you see.
00:18:46You wouldn't ask him, because he's not interested, to cook you any food.
00:18:50You wouldn't ask me to do the washing up.
00:18:52You wouldn't ask James to direct a porn film.
00:18:55Well, Hank, you say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
00:19:02If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the
00:19:07stockings and the negligee, I've come to fix your boiler.
00:19:10And then you'd just fix it.
00:19:13Mind it?
00:19:14No, no, it's...
00:19:16There you go.
00:19:17That's all about.
00:19:20Now, that is the end of the news.
00:19:22So we're going to move on with this.
00:19:24Ever since 1963, when Volkswagen invented the concept of modern television advertising,
00:19:32they have been king of the hill, okay?
00:19:35And they still are, thanks to ads like this.
00:19:41This is the man who put a million on black.
00:19:44And it came up red.
00:19:49This is the man who married a six kitten, just as she turned into a cat.
00:19:57This is the man who moved into gold, just as the clever money moved out.
00:20:08This is the man who drives a Volkswagen.
00:20:15Everyone must have something in life he can rely on.
00:20:19Now, that's all very well.
00:20:20But, you see, every week we make films in which, you know, the clouds go backwards,
00:20:24a supercar spins around, and metaphors get tortured.
00:20:27And they last for, what, five minutes, six minutes?
00:20:30Yes, quite.
00:20:31Right.
00:20:32So how hard can it be for us to make a car advert which is over in 30 seconds?
00:20:37Well, the producers decided that James and I should find out.
00:20:42Well, I think it's a good thing.
00:20:45Feeling like candidates for The Apprentice, the two of us got dressed up as ad men
00:20:50and went to the glittering West London offices of Goodyear, Stickleback and Bunsen burner.
00:20:55There, the ad execs showed us the car. We'd be advertising a diesel version of the new Scirocco.
00:21:06What would be your suggestions to do a commercial for a Volkswagen?
00:21:11At the heart of all good Volkswagen advertising, there is always a product truth.
00:21:16It's not sort of flim-fam. It's always based on a truth that comes directly from the product.
00:21:22But you never did one that said,
00:21:23The new Beatles, celebrating over half a century of Europe's greatest mass murderer.
00:21:27No, no, because you pick on a truth that matters, you idiot.
00:21:30What?
00:21:31You pick on a truth that matters.
00:21:33Because I think what you're saying is if you take Peugeot, the drive of your life,
00:21:38that line has nothing to do with any Peugeot product, all of which are dreadful.
00:21:43It's just an ad man sat down and went, The drive of your life is a good line.
00:21:46And that's that point there about you've got to look for it.
00:21:49You've got to try the product out, you've got to drive it, you've got to experience it
00:21:53and find out what the real truths of the product are.
00:21:55We ought to go to drive the car.
00:22:01At first, things were looking good.
00:22:04The clever thing about this is it doesn't really cost all that much more than a Golf.
00:22:08So it costs the same as the Golf.
00:22:11But you stand out because you've got a Scirocco, which is better looking.
00:22:16Quality is exceptional, actually.
00:22:19Just the fit and finish of everything in here is superb.
00:22:22What practical for a coupe.
00:22:25I don't know of any coupe currently made that's got more space in the back than this has.
00:22:30Well, let's try some sporty driving and see if it's sporty. I'm going to put it into sport.
00:22:40And here on twisting country lanes, there weren't any problems either.
00:22:45Brakes?
00:22:47The brakes are good, actually.
00:22:49Brakes are good, steering's good. So, actually, what you're saying is, as a sporty car, it's pretty good.
00:22:52Yes.
00:22:55But we then got to the elephant in the corner.
00:22:59Right, come on. Is it fast? Wait for it, Al.
00:23:05No.
00:23:07Not.
00:23:08So that's a good five seconds of absolutely nothing in fourth gear.
00:23:13But if I change to third, OK, and then I've run out of puffs, so I've got to go back to fourth again.
00:23:18It's the same as all diesels. You have just a morsel, and then it's gone.
00:23:23So, performance?
00:23:25No.
00:23:27The bottom line is this.
00:23:30This particular Scirocco is a good car, ruined.
00:23:34We both agreed, are we not? The car's a stupid idea.
00:23:37That a car that looks like this should have a petrol engine.
00:23:39Yes, let us make that absolutely clear.
00:23:41Our personal view is that you should not buy this car.
00:23:44However, we are now charged with selling it.
00:23:49So, what?
00:23:50Back in Apprentice Land, we outlined the problem.
00:23:56As far as I can make it, the Volkswagen Scirocco is a pretty car,
00:24:01and what they've done is they've put the engine from a canal boat in it.
00:24:06And we have to somehow make that seem like a good thing.
00:24:09The idea of building that sort of car and then putting that sort of engine in
00:24:13deserves a strapline, what the bloody hell were you thinking of?
00:24:16Which isn't really going to work as an advert. It's not, no.
00:24:18Right.
00:24:19You're starting from a negative where you should actually start from a positive.
00:24:22You're saying you've ruined a Scirocco,
00:24:24whereas you should really be saying you've improved diesel.
00:24:26Ah.
00:24:28So you've taken diesel and made it more exciting,
00:24:30rather than taken the Scirocco and made it less exciting.
00:24:32Edward de Bono here has hit it on the head.
00:24:34We've made diesel more interesting, not VW Scirocco less interesting.
00:24:38You see, that's why he's... Look at him, you see.
00:24:40That's why he's sitting there and we're sitting here in rubbish clothes.
00:24:43James and I then tried some blue sky thinking.
00:24:45Imagine if it just said VW Scirocco across the screen, diesel, across the screen,
00:24:51and then a polar bear just stood there and just went...
00:24:53No, I'm going wrong.
00:24:56What if we do a campaign based around the idea of great ecclesiastical figures, from Thomas a Beckett down, would have driven, had they had the chance, the Scirocco diesel?
00:25:07Because it would be shut.
00:25:09OK, what about the car just approaching in the distance, so you've got the advertising stuff with the road, that famous road that they use in Spain, isn't it, where it winds around in the hills on the...
00:25:16You've got swelling music and you see the Scirocco...
00:25:21No, that's a cliché.
00:25:22I would just stop right there.
00:25:23Stop there.
00:25:24Now, are you listening to this, James?
00:25:25An advert has to say almost nothing.
00:25:28It's got to just go, wow!
00:25:30Hasn't it?
00:25:31Hasn't it, but let's make it one thing.
00:25:32Bang!
00:25:33With a huge explosion.
00:25:34Well, point five on how to do a Volkswagen ad is speak to the reader, don't shout, he can hear you, especially if you talk sense.
00:25:43You don't blow his head off.
00:25:44So, it's important that the advertising has intelligence. It can't just be explosions.
00:25:53Feeling like ad men, we went to the lavatory.
00:25:57And then we went to the track, where I let Jeremy make our first intelligent advertisement.
00:26:05The new VW Scirocco diesel.
00:26:11It's explosive.
00:26:16What do you think of that?
00:26:17It's rubbish.
00:26:19Why is it rubbish?
00:26:20It's not funny, and it's not true.
00:26:23We've been to see those clever blokes in the agency, they've told us what VW advertising is like.
00:26:28How can you hint at 55 miles per gallon with an explosion?
00:26:32Well, what have you got?
00:26:33The new VW Scirocco diesel produces 138 horsepower and 236 pounds-foot of torque, so it's faster than you might think.
00:26:50And there's room in the back for your mother-in-law.
00:26:57Unfortunately.
00:26:58The Sirocco TDI. Your mother-in-law will love it.
00:27:05That's the worst advert I've ever seen.
00:27:07Your criticisms?
00:27:08Way, way too much information.
00:27:11And mother-in-law jokes, James.
00:27:13I mean, identify my market.
00:27:15They're old people.
00:27:16Old people made mother-in-law jokes.
00:27:18That'll make them feel useful.
00:27:20Why didn't you get someone blacked up going to camp down races?
00:27:23Because they're used to watch a black and white minstrel show.
00:27:26James, it's not an idea.
00:27:27You can't tell mother-in-law jokes.
00:27:30I fear you and I were going down two very separate roads here.
00:27:34James decided to do more blue sky thinking, while I rushed off to make an ad that had no explosions in it.
00:27:43Here we go.
00:27:48Yeah.
00:27:49I was in a terrible accident.
00:27:50Well, I ran out of petrol.
00:27:52I was on the hard shoulder waiting for the breakdown there.
00:27:54And I was hit by this massive truck.
00:27:56Yeah.
00:27:57That happens a lot.
00:27:59But it won't happen to me.
00:28:01I got the new Scirocco diesel.
00:28:04It does 55 MPG.
00:28:10The new Scirocco TDI.
00:28:12For people who value their arms.
00:28:17So the VW Scirocco driver is deeply unpleasant.
00:28:20It's not deeply unpleasant.
00:28:21It's funny.
00:28:22Children love that.
00:28:23Old people love a bit of blood.
00:28:25Old people won't like that.
00:28:26It reminds them of the blitz.
00:28:28Think of the customer.
00:28:29You're saying buy this car if you're smug and you revel in other people's misfortune.
00:28:33You can't put that on the car, right?
00:28:34He's not reveling.
00:28:35He's offering him advice.
00:28:36He's saying get a Scirocco diesel.
00:28:38It was a bit late.
00:28:39His arms come off.
00:28:40He'll have the other arm.
00:28:41Okay, close upon Jeremy's tongue, please.
00:28:45We pressed on with some more ideas.
00:28:47She loves me not.
00:28:48Action.
00:28:49Right.
00:28:50I bet you any money this stays intact.
00:28:56Is it?
00:28:57No.
00:28:58Right, right, right.
00:28:59Right, right, right.
00:29:00Right, right, right.
00:29:01Right, left, left, left.
00:29:02James then decided we needed a jingle.
00:29:06Diesel shirockle.
00:29:07We'll get you down to Morocco.
00:29:08On one fill up a diesel.
00:29:09A 55 MPG's old.
00:29:10Then I decided we didn't need a jingle.
00:29:11Yes, they're here.
00:29:12Imagine now, James.
00:29:13Explosion.
00:29:14Boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:29:15Massive fire coming from the gunship.
00:29:16Right, right, left, left, left, left.
00:29:17Oh, for God's sake!
00:29:19Action.
00:29:20The new Scirocco diesel.
00:29:22Truly biblical economy.
00:29:23This isn't working, is it?
00:29:24I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:29:25I'm sorry, we'll get you down to Morocco.
00:29:26I'm sorry.
00:29:27mentor in India.
00:29:28A 55 MPG's old.
00:29:29Then I decided we didn't need a jingle.
00:29:30Yes, they're here.
00:29:31Imagine now, James, explosion.
00:29:33Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
00:29:36Massive fire coming from the gunship.
00:29:37Right, right, left, left, left, left, left.
00:29:40Oh, for God's sake!
00:29:42Action.
00:29:43The new Scirocco diesel.
00:29:44This isn't working, is it? I'm sorry.
00:29:48Finally, after much trial and error,
00:29:50we had an ad that we could show to the Alan Sugars.
00:29:54Check this out.
00:30:07This is the new Scirocco TDI.
00:30:11It's pretty fast.
00:30:15But a Mazda RX-8 will kick its backside.
00:30:22And an Alfa Brera will vomit in its face.
00:30:29They'll have to stop for fuel, though.
00:30:32And you won't.
00:30:36Get ahead.
00:30:38Get a new Scirocco TDI.
00:30:40The first thing I'd say is that how fast is that Scirocco going?
00:30:51Do you ever see car adverts with cars going fast in them?
00:30:54No.
00:30:55So you aren't allowed to show, in a car advert, a car going fast?
00:31:00No.
00:31:01No?
00:31:02No.
00:31:03I suspect, with some enhanced sound.
00:31:05No.
00:31:06We never.
00:31:07No.
00:31:08No, that was the real sound.
00:31:10There's screeching tyres in there.
00:31:11Yeah.
00:31:12Massively accelerating engine.
00:31:13Mm-hm.
00:31:14It's not just the driving.
00:31:15It's the sound that you put in there as well.
00:31:18Happily, we had an idea which would save the day.
00:31:21But we will go off this afternoon, and I can mend that advert.
00:31:25Right on.
00:31:30Again, James?
00:31:31Thanks.
00:31:33I believe we have a cure.
00:31:36You remember the one yesterday?
00:31:37Yeah.
00:31:38How could we forget it?
00:31:40This is the new Scirocco TDI.
00:31:44It's pretty fast.
00:31:45Oh!
00:31:52Get a head.
00:31:54Get a new Scirocco TDI.
00:31:57You see, we've addressed the speed issue.
00:31:59No, you haven't.
00:32:01Well, it quite clearly says he's doing 29.
00:32:03Well, the rest of the footage of the car is exactly the same,
00:32:05so there's no difference in the promotion of speed whatsoever.
00:32:09When we talked to you about Volkswagen advertising,
00:32:10truth and honesty were two of the things we talked about,
00:32:13and that feels dishonest to me.
00:32:16Well, it was still going...
00:32:17It was probably going 59.
00:32:20And how fast were the other cars going?
00:32:22Oh, yeah, they were going 59 as well.
00:32:23So twice as fast.
00:32:25The rest of the ads didn't go down that well either.
00:32:32Common rail injection.
00:32:35You know that's the new direction.
00:32:39The new Scirocco TDI.
00:32:41For people who value their arms.
00:32:44Don't you think that is tip top?
00:32:46No.
00:32:48Right.
00:32:49Desperate.
00:32:50I decided to show them our remake of one of their classics.
00:32:53This is the man who put a million on black,
00:32:59and it came up red.
00:33:03This is the man who married a sex kitten,
00:33:06just as she turned into a cat.
00:33:10This is the man who moved into gold,
00:33:13just as the clever money moved out.
00:33:16If only he'd waited for the new Scirocco TDI to go on sale.
00:33:27The Scirocco TDI.
00:33:30Life's not so bad.
00:33:31Simple.
00:33:33Tight.
00:33:35You are showing in your ad there a suicide.
00:33:36Yes.
00:33:37You should be able to imagine that the regulatory body
00:33:39does not allow depictions of suicide.
00:33:41I mean, it's pretty positive.
00:33:43You either get shot through the head or you have a VW.
00:33:44Nick and Margaret invited us to get out of their office
00:33:48and go back to the drawing board.
00:33:50Jesus Christ.
00:33:54Do you know why an ad man won't look out of the window?
00:33:56It's pretty positive.
00:33:58You either get shot through the head or you have a VW.
00:34:00Nick and Margaret invited us to get out of their office
00:34:02and go back to the drawing board.
00:34:04Jesus Christ.
00:34:09Do you know why an ad man won't look out of the window?
00:34:11Do you know why an ad man won't look out of the window in the morning?
00:34:16No.
00:34:17Because then he'd have nothing to do in the afternoon.
00:34:24But then, while Jeremy was being ridiculous, I had an idea.
00:34:29If we couldn't use speed, why not set the ad in a location where speed is impossible?
00:34:35A funeral.
00:34:38Job one, get ourselves a black Scirocco.
00:34:41I could not notice against the petrol one.
00:34:43Well, we'll just dump some canal boat noises on. They'll know.
00:34:46All right, well, I'm going to talk to the mourners.
00:34:47Yes, just get them in the car.
00:34:49This is a tragedy. It's a loved one.
00:34:52It will all be resolved in the VW Scirocco diesel.
00:35:01Who's driving that... Who's driving the Scirocco?
00:35:04Jeremy.
00:35:05Well, he's got the wrong idea altogether.
00:35:07My driving made James quite cross.
00:35:11Please, just let me do the funeral thing.
00:35:13Let's do the funeral seriously.
00:35:14Then, at the end, we've got the message about the VW.
00:35:17It's not complicated.
00:35:18No, the funeral can be done seriously, but there's nothing to stop a war plane coming in the middle.
00:35:22Yes, there is.
00:35:23There's me, because I'm directing.
00:35:25Soon, he was even more cross.
00:35:27So, you're driving the hearse.
00:35:28I'm driving this limousine.
00:35:33Clarkson!
00:35:36None of that is going in.
00:35:38We're not doing a comedy carry-on funeral.
00:35:41We're doing a real funeral.
00:35:43James and I couldn't even agree on how to direct the actors.
00:35:47Madam, this is where we'd like you to cry.
00:35:49In a dignified adult.
00:35:52Genuine grief, rather than...
00:35:54Take a good sniff of this onion.
00:35:56Ready?
00:35:57There we go.
00:35:58There we go.
00:35:59Now, cry.
00:36:00Cry.
00:36:01Cry.
00:36:03To get James out of my hair, I sent him to look for a crow.
00:36:07Crow?
00:36:08A crow.
00:36:09Have you ever seen a funeral scene in your life without a crow in it?
00:36:13There'll be one in a tree or in a field.
00:36:15That left me free to direct the graveyard scene.
00:36:19So, if your morning looks sad, you're just professionally sad,
00:36:25you should be in a bikini, I think, to balance it out.
00:36:30So, good.
00:36:31OK.
00:36:32No, wait.
00:36:33Hang on.
00:36:33It's a funeral.
00:36:35Yeah, it should be a black bikini.
00:36:37OK.
00:36:37Well, cameras.
00:36:39Back.
00:36:40With the graveyard done, all we had left was the closing shot.
00:36:44The pack shot's got to be quite long, everybody,
00:36:46because there's quite a bit of information to get in over the car.
00:36:49No.
00:36:49The pack shot...
00:36:50No.
00:36:50Yes.
00:36:51No.
00:36:51Yes.
00:36:53Good.
00:36:53Wheel's straight.
00:36:55James?
00:36:55Yeah.
00:36:56Do you want mourners in this shot?
00:36:59No.
00:37:01It's untidy.
00:37:02Action.
00:37:04And pull out.
00:37:06James?
00:37:07What?
00:37:08I've fallen out of the basket thing.
00:37:13Anyway.
00:37:15Finally, though, our masterpiece was ready.
00:37:18With its advanced two-litre common-rail diesel engine,
00:37:40the new Scirocco TDI is quiet enough for any occasion.
00:37:48BANG wRETERBALL
00:37:59Excellent...
00:38:03Bam...
00:38:04Now, that didn't go down, uh, very well, and it was all his fault.
00:38:09Why did the car blow up at the end?
00:38:11end because you wouldn't let me cut one of the mourners arms off why was that
00:38:16woman in a bikini because I am a genius and you are a fool and that is why after
00:38:23that advert was rejected as well as all the others we decided to split up yeah
00:38:29we decided we'd make one more ad each but this time instead of taking them to
00:38:33Nick and Margaret to judge because they obviously loathed everything we did we
00:38:36thought we'd bring them here and let you decide which one is better okay and the
00:38:42winner the winner gets this pair of exquisitely slim advertisers spectacles
00:38:48yeah here's mine
00:39:06hear that James the sound of silence nobody oh
00:39:18and now ladies and gentlemen behold to bask in the turbulence of my magnificence this
00:39:33is my ad
00:39:39a state of emergency has been declared in Poland today as the mass exodus continues
00:39:44sources in Warsaw report mass panic as those left in the city make increasingly
00:39:49frantic efforts to risk
00:39:51thousands of people have jammed roads and crammed into trains
00:39:55the army says it's now powerless to prevent the ongoing mass exodus
00:40:09the
00:40:11time has come to have a vote all of those who think that James's plant advertisement has won raise
00:40:31your hands six or seven quite bright people in the audience and all those who think my Berlin one has won
00:40:41a special moment is upon us because well you might have thought it had gone away but I'll know because we are going to do the cool wall
00:41:05yeah
00:41:07yeah
00:41:09it's here
00:41:11yeah
00:41:13take them off
00:41:15can't see a damn thing in those
00:41:17what have we got first
00:41:19well we're going to start off with this it is the Ford Focus RS
00:41:21now this is well it's a brilliant car there's no denying it
00:41:23what do you think of it
00:41:25I like it
00:41:26you like it
00:41:27good care
00:41:28is it yes good with the irrelevant is it cool
00:41:29cool
00:41:30you're cool
00:41:31don't like the color
00:41:32at all
00:41:34is the car
00:41:35no
00:41:36no
00:41:37no and that's odd because he looks like he's got an ASBO
00:41:40yeah
00:41:42that is the thing about this car it is undeniably well it's brilliant is it oh yeah
00:41:45very very good but it is it's for the bloke is always the first to start the singing on the aeroplane
00:41:50you know the fella the one whose holiday sombrero is too big to get in the overhead locker and that's that's what he drives
00:41:57you're wrong
00:41:58no I'm not
00:41:59nobody who's got one of those who's ever been on an aeroplane because they always get stuck at airport security with their ASBO ankle bracelet
00:42:04yes that's
00:42:05I mean it is a great car but sadly it's got to be it's got to be there
00:42:07it is got to be uncle
00:42:09mmm
00:42:11the Lamborghini Murcielago SV
00:42:14what are we thinking
00:42:16I'm sorry if there's a man in here
00:42:19coming in
00:42:21what was that
00:42:22seriously uncool
00:42:23seriously uncool
00:42:25come with me
00:42:27I want the ladies and gentlemen to see this
00:42:30the Amish here
00:42:32you think this is
00:42:34seriously uncool
00:42:35uncool why do you think it's uncool
00:42:37because it's a mad sports car
00:42:39and what's the matter with mad sports cars
00:42:41seriously uncool
00:42:42how long do we keep this going before he pulls out a dagger and stabs me
00:42:45no I think
00:42:46I think this man is representing
00:42:48because he's
00:42:49he's right ladies and gentlemen
00:42:51he's right
00:42:52because every time I see a man and it is invariably a man
00:42:56go back to the audience and
00:42:58every time I see a man getting out of one of these things and it is invariably a man
00:43:04I always think that man is wearing a thong
00:43:07sorry is this just something you like to think about
00:43:10I'm confused
00:43:11nobody with boxer shorts has ever bought a Lamborghini
00:43:13I bought a Lamborghini
00:43:15I bought Lamborghini
00:43:16but not on Muti Alaga
00:43:17oh my god you in a thong
00:43:18I'm stuck in
00:43:19ah
00:43:20oh no
00:43:21it is I'm afraid
00:43:22not seriously uncool
00:43:23but it is uncool
00:43:24now
00:43:25this is
00:43:27a BMW Z4
00:43:29we like this car
00:43:30very much
00:43:31not the old model
00:43:32not for wife swappers
00:43:33nobody's ever slept with somebody called Muriel
00:43:35who's married to Frank
00:43:36who has one of these
00:43:37but
00:43:38we'd like to put it in the cool section of the board
00:43:40it actually
00:43:43it's resisting
00:43:44ready?
00:43:46it's the weirdest thing
00:43:48the weirdest thing in the world
00:43:50it won't go in the cool section
00:43:52and there's a very good reason for that
00:43:54yeah
00:43:55now the good reason is
00:43:56James May
00:43:57has said he's thinking of getting rid of his Porsche Boxster
00:43:59and getting one of these
00:44:00and well that means
00:44:02that's all that can happen
00:44:04that's all it'll do
00:44:06we can't put it anywhere else
00:44:08it won't go
00:44:11now
00:44:12this is
00:44:13the Nissan 370Z
00:44:14ok
00:44:15now this
00:44:16as far as I can work out
00:44:17is for the sort of chap
00:44:18who likes a stag night
00:44:19huh
00:44:20me and the lads
00:44:21you know the sort of bloke
00:44:22he's the sort that sends you those emails
00:44:23that take you 10 minutes to open
00:44:24and then they're not funny
00:44:25no
00:44:26hang on
00:44:27no no no
00:44:28I know what you're getting at
00:44:29and that's exactly why I think this is cool
00:44:30because you're talking about the kind of bloke
00:44:31who doesn't complain
00:44:32because you've given him the wrong species of olive on his channel
00:44:35he's never eaten an olive in his life
00:44:37he just has pork itchings
00:44:38good
00:44:39it's the real deal
00:44:40no it's not he drinks lager
00:44:41what's wrong with that
00:44:42that is a great class
00:44:43because he drinks stellar
00:44:44stellar
00:44:45it's just lager
00:44:46it's not just lager
00:44:47you'd be at the bar bickering
00:44:48and say oh have you got anything Italian
00:44:49I want the right one
00:44:50it's just
00:44:51I know that this is an old gag
00:44:52but that's going up there now
00:44:53what are you going to do about that
00:44:54thank you
00:44:55what are you going to do about that
00:44:56yeah
00:44:57I'm hearing a strange mooing noise
00:45:00but you again I'm afraid you're mistaking this for a democracy
00:45:04and it isn't one
00:45:05it's a dictatorship
00:45:06oh dear
00:45:07Hammond's gone off in a huff
00:45:08good
00:45:09anyway
00:45:10now look
00:45:11I want to talk about the Range Rover
00:45:12if you ask me
00:45:13and you're a small boy
00:45:14what is the best car in the world
00:45:15I will say
00:45:16it's a Bugatti Veyron
00:45:17but the truth is
00:45:18what are you doing?
00:45:20oh yeah
00:45:21oh yeah
00:45:23well that'll do
00:45:30and er
00:45:32I'll tell you what
00:45:33can you
00:45:34can you
00:45:35can you reach it there Shorty?
00:45:36funny
00:45:37what about up here
00:45:38I can still reach that
00:45:39look at him
00:45:40he can't reach it
00:45:41poor little fella
00:45:42oh
00:45:43tell you what
00:45:44from up here
00:45:45it is going
00:45:46I reckon
00:45:48about
00:45:49there
00:45:50there you go
00:45:51hang on
00:46:02what?
00:46:03no
00:46:07what I've just done ladies and gentlemen is hit
00:46:09hit the kill switch
00:46:10come on then
00:46:11come down
00:46:12no it doesn't work
00:46:13it's broken
00:46:14Hammond do you see the Zonda?
00:46:16your favourite car in the world
00:46:18yes
00:46:19no
00:46:20no
00:46:21that's
00:46:22no
00:46:23that's
00:46:24not right
00:46:25let me put it down here
00:46:26yes
00:46:27oh
00:46:29that's
00:46:30oh
00:46:31that's
00:46:34oh
00:46:35that's great
00:46:36oh
00:46:37look
00:46:38and that
00:46:39and that
00:46:40look
00:46:41I can have so much fun
00:46:43yeah
00:46:44that's just
00:46:45can I come down now?
00:46:49mmmm
00:46:50no
00:46:51because it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car
00:46:56now what can I say about my guest tonight?
00:46:58as the star of Rain Man, Top Gun, Days of Thunder
00:47:02Tom Cruise has almost certainly been interviewed by me
00:47:06ladies and gentlemen
00:47:08ladies and gentlemen
00:47:09American chat show legend
00:47:10Jay Leno
00:47:16thank you
00:47:17thank you
00:47:18thank you very much
00:47:19thank you
00:47:20have a seat
00:47:21have a seat
00:47:22have a seat
00:47:26this is amazing
00:47:29now you've been hosting your own show in America now for what? 17 years? 5 nights a week?
00:47:3417 years right
00:47:35I never thought the day would come when you'd actually be here
00:47:38well this is my favorite show
00:47:40it is
00:47:41I watch it
00:47:42we get on BBC America
00:47:43and I enjoy watching this
00:47:44and as soon as I got some free time
00:47:45you were gracious enough to invite me
00:47:46oh no
00:47:47we had
00:47:48I mean how could we have
00:47:49the world's biggest petrol head
00:47:50well
00:47:51apart from Jerry Halliwell obviously
00:47:52we've ever had here
00:47:53I should imagine
00:47:54now listen
00:47:55can I just get on to your show if I may
00:47:57yeah
00:47:58you recently had
00:47:59Obama Barack on
00:48:00right
00:48:01right
00:48:02which makes you
00:48:03no it's the other way around isn't it
00:48:04yes
00:48:05I'm somewhat dyslexic so that was alright
00:48:06I was just
00:48:08if people are going to choose their names from Scrabble tiles
00:48:10I was just
00:48:11I was just
00:48:12but anyway
00:48:13so is it easy to get an American president on the show
00:48:15or is it a bit complicated?
00:48:16you know it's interesting the difference
00:48:18because I had not had him on as a candidate
00:48:20twice before
00:48:21and each time he would come with his jacket like on his finger
00:48:24with
00:48:25two guys
00:48:26as president
00:48:27oh my god
00:48:28armies
00:48:30literally armies come in
00:48:31they do a sweep of your staff
00:48:33and they go like this
00:48:34er
00:48:35you Jeremy Clarkson?
00:48:36yes
00:48:37don't come in tomorrow
00:48:38why?
00:48:39he said don't come in tomorrow
00:48:41well just a background check thing
00:48:43if you had a joint in your sock in 1972
00:48:46you don't
00:48:47and that's what they do
00:48:48you don't come in
00:48:49and you don't
00:48:50we were never told why
00:48:51they
00:48:52they
00:48:53you just told not to come in that day
00:48:55how weird
00:48:56and does he phone work when he's arriving
00:48:57or is that all shut down as well?
00:48:59all cell phones within 60 miles are monitored
00:49:02so be careful what you do
00:49:03well so everybody within 60 miles of
00:49:06every phone call
00:49:07well for key words
00:49:08if there are certain key words
00:49:09they will
00:49:10track you down
00:49:11and beat your senses
00:49:12we're never more than 60 miles from the Queen here
00:49:14are we?
00:49:15I mean we're 60
00:49:16we're 60 miles from the Queen
00:49:17but that's got to be comforting
00:49:18isn't it?
00:49:19but I have to say
00:49:20I really will say this in terms of America
00:49:21I used to think when I went there
00:49:22it was a bit like going to a prison
00:49:23just with more food
00:49:24right
00:49:25and that when you came home
00:49:26you felt like you came back to a free country
00:49:27now I find it's the other way around
00:49:29well you have these speed cameras here
00:49:30oh
00:49:31it does nothing
00:49:32now that's it
00:49:33see in L.A. people would say
00:49:34well why don't you just shoot them out?
00:49:44in L.A.
00:49:45I have a gun
00:49:46in L.A.
00:49:47a day doesn't go by
00:49:48you don't see a styrofoam cup
00:49:49stuck over the lens of a speed camera
00:49:51it's not just speed cameras here
00:49:53there's just cameras to monitor everything you do
00:49:55everything you've done
00:49:56since you got here
00:49:57everything
00:49:58I'm talking about at the urinals
00:49:59I'm talking about in bed sometimes
00:50:01really?
00:50:02oh yeah
00:50:03Mr. Brown's been recording that
00:50:04well alright
00:50:05well I hope he has enough tape
00:50:10now
00:50:11normally at this stage
00:50:12when we've got people here
00:50:13I get to the point of the interview where I say
00:50:16talk about your cars
00:50:17ok
00:50:18and they go
00:50:19I've got a Honda Accord
00:50:20and my wife's got a Toyota price
00:50:21ok
00:50:22I just need you to understand how big a petrol head we have here
00:50:26ok?
00:50:27so this is just his cars
00:50:28ready?
00:50:29deep breath
00:50:30Dodge Viper
00:50:31Packard Caribbean
00:50:32Chevrolet Corvette
00:50:33E-Type Jaguar
00:50:34Bugatti Type 37
00:50:35Lamborghini Espada
00:50:36Chevrolet Corvette ZR1
00:50:37Lamborghini Countach
00:50:39there's page 2
00:50:40do you want to see page 3?
00:50:41there's page 3
00:50:42there's page 3
00:50:43there's page 3
00:50:44there's page 3
00:50:45how the hell do you decide what to go to work in in the morning?
00:50:49well
00:50:50I wouldn't do that if they could
00:50:51thank you
00:50:52thank you
00:50:53thank you
00:50:54thank you
00:50:55I must confess
00:50:56but see I only have one wife
00:50:57see the woman
00:50:58I have one woman
00:50:59I have one woman in 150 cars
00:51:00thank you
00:51:01thank you
00:51:02thank you
00:51:03thank you
00:51:04thank you
00:51:05thank you
00:51:06see women know this
00:51:27wouldn't you prefer your man coming home reeking of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume
00:51:31would you prefer your man coming home reeking of transmission fluid rather than cheap perfume
00:51:36So do you spend a lot of time going to car shows stuff like that? Well, that's really all I do. I work in my garage
00:51:41I like working on cars, and yeah, you'll like this story. I had my McLaren F1 out
00:51:47And I took it to a car show and I see these two
00:51:50LA gang members
00:51:52scary guys
00:51:53Tattoo, you know the thing on the neck with the cross the tear on the you know the whole bit and they're looking at my car
00:51:59And I'm like oh boy
00:52:00And one of them says hey Gordon Murray designed this right and I went yeah, and then the other guy asked about David
00:52:06Steven and I realized well now I'm prejudging people okay assume because they look different from me that they're criminals or
00:52:12Gangsters and I felt so bad about this. I said to these guys you haven't you ever been in one of these no no
00:52:17I said you want to go for a ride. They said yeah, and I realize all right. Maybe this is a mistake
00:52:23And as big as there were outside they were enormous in the car the guy's head and when that tattoo is right here
00:52:29You know
00:52:30You know with the misspelled die and everything and I all right, so we're driving along
00:52:35This is good. It goes up here in the hills. There's no traffic
00:52:38oh, all right, so
00:52:41It's not good at this point so there's a place called Canaan Road which goes above Malibu
00:52:46And there are some tunnels that go through the mountains
00:52:48So I said well, I'll tell you what I'll nail it through the mountains you guys got to hear the the f1 McLaren
00:52:52I fly through the tunnel 125 as I come out of the tunnel police call right here
00:53:03Pulled over and now I got two gang guys
00:53:08They're gonna run a check on these guys there'll be drug dealers Mike Mike McLaren will be towed
00:53:13They'll put a hook on it and drag it to impound I'll be arrested for going
00:53:16So there are couples over and the highway patrolman goes. What are you doing? You know how fast you're going? The two guys go we're police officers
00:53:37That's just complete win-win we don't get that at the Goodwood festival of speed
00:53:42Undercover gang members now American drivers just I'd love to talk about this because I was told to Stephen Fry about this
00:53:48Just when he came on a couple of weeks ago
00:53:50One of the things we notice big English is here if you want to change lanes you indicate nine times out of ten
00:53:56The guy's gonna drop back let you pull in that never happens in America
00:53:59Why can't people see that you need to pull because we are working on the computer? We are drinking a soda
00:54:04We are doing any number of things way more important than driving you know
00:54:08I I do a thing on that when I was doing the financial called headlines would show
00:54:12advertisements for different products and things and one was a
00:54:15Laptop that fit on your steering wheel it clamped in so you could do this
00:54:20While you and this was legal
00:54:21I mean there was selling this I had a cup holder here so you could work the internet while you were driving your car
00:54:26I'm learning so much now
00:54:29I need to we obviously you came here to do a lap in a car with a steering wheel on the correct side
00:54:33The steering wheel is on the wrong side
00:54:35The air condition was on the spring was broken and the shifter yet in that British tradition I sold it in
00:54:42How did it go?
00:54:43Okay, I mean I I as long as I don't get beat by Helen Mirren I'm okay
00:54:47Helen Mirren where is she?
00:54:49Where is she?
00:54:49There she is at a 152.8
00:54:51Okay, that's yeah, I think I did better than that
00:54:53Should we find out how Jay got on?
00:54:55Yeah!
00:54:57Here's your lap in a Lissetti
00:55:01There we go we're off plenty of smoke on the start
00:55:03You know race car driving is like sex all men think they're good at it
00:55:09So you've got a smooth style there
00:55:11We can learn a lot from oh very smooth much like the sex
00:55:16Blame it on the car
00:55:20Dressed up as Marlboro man oh I can't say that can I dressed up as cowboy man that's smooth again
00:55:26That's a little better at least I didn't miss a gear that time
00:55:29Here it is this is the hammerhead this is where you can make or break your lap
00:55:35You must be pleased with it yeah looking good looking very good coming out
00:55:42Maybe a little bit faster the stick is quite a good instructor considering he doesn't talk
00:55:49Now let's have a look at this this is obviously flat out through there
00:55:54Yeah, oh that's quick that was very quick
00:55:59down to third
00:56:01Come on. This is the hot yes
00:56:03That's what I call a corner now. It's gambon. That's michael gambon around there. Maybe a touch too much understeer
00:56:10But there we are across the line
00:56:18Let's find out how you got on all right you did it
00:56:23one minute yes
00:56:2640 yes
00:56:288.8 you're way faster than hell and man
00:56:35All right
00:56:37All right
00:56:39All right
00:56:41between Dr. Who
00:56:43and Will Young
00:56:45Actually I did that once in LA
00:56:47Yeah
00:56:49This is a good place
00:56:51Are you the fastest American?
00:56:53I'll take fastest American
00:56:54Well, I'm just looking
00:56:56know what
00:56:56Mark Wahlberg
00:56:58I'm Mark Wahlberg
00:56:59You're the second fastest American
00:57:01Wow
00:57:02There we go
00:57:03Jay Leno, everybody
00:57:04Thank you, Jeremy
00:57:04Thank you
00:57:06Thank you, mate
00:57:07Thank you so much
00:57:08Still here
00:57:12Obviously
00:57:13Now at this point
00:57:15I should be
00:57:16Down there
00:57:17By that car
00:57:18But I'm not
00:57:19Obviously
00:57:20So please
00:57:21Bear with me
00:57:22Because what that car is
00:57:23Down there
00:57:24Is the Aston Martin Vantage
00:57:25That's the smallest car they make
00:57:27But they just fitted it
00:57:28With their 510 horsepower
00:57:316 litre V12
00:57:32And Jeremy decided to take it out
00:57:35To see what it's like
00:57:36To see what it's like
00:58:06Ooh!
00:58:21Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine.
00:58:28So what do you think it's gonna be like?
00:58:36It is...fantastic.
00:59:02It's wonderful, wonderful, wonderful.
00:59:06What it makes me feel, though, is sad.
00:59:19I just can't help thinking that, thanks to all sorts of things, the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed,
00:59:32cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books.
00:59:38I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here is an ending.
00:59:59Is an ending.
01:00:29That will answer you in the inside.
01:00:36I can't wait for you to learn.
01:00:39All I want is to change.
01:00:43THE END
01:01:13Good night
01:01:43Good night
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