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00:00:00Tonight, Richard tests a van, I drive an old brown Porsche, and James uses a telephone.
00:00:19Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Now, ambulance response times have been in the news just recently.
00:00:43It seems that many ambulances aren't getting to critically ill patients as fast as they should be, and nobody seems to know why. Except us.
00:00:55You see, the National Health Service believes that this is a fast response vehicle, but it isn't even on nodding terms with the concept of fast.
00:01:06It started out in life as a van with a diesel engine, and then they added more weight. And that gave us an idea.
00:01:22Here's a traditional ambulance. It's big, and it's bulky, and it's stuck in rush hour traffic.
00:01:30Plus, it's being driven by a chap who knows how to drain a lung, but he doesn't know how to trail brake or execute a racing gear change.
00:01:40Our ambulance, however, is very different.
00:01:44Yes, it's the Stig, in an emergency version of Top Gear's P45, the smallest road-legal car ever made.
00:01:54That means it can fit through the tiniest gaps.
00:02:00And make its own lane in the jams.
00:02:04And when it gets to the scene of an emergency, it can drive right up to the building, and then go inside.
00:02:12All of this saves time, and saving time saves lives.
00:02:18Of course, you're probably wondering how on earth the patient can now be transported to hospital in an ambulance as small as this.
00:02:25Well, that is where our genius really comes into play, because, well, here comes the Stig now, with a patient who has been literally bored into a coma by one of the meetings they have in here.
00:02:37Yes, and as you can see, he simply has to clip the stretcher onto the back of the P45, and he's ready to go.
00:02:42Yeah.
00:02:42Sometimes, I think our genius is tangible. It's like it has a mass.
00:02:48Yeah, it's like another presence. It's still there when we've gone.
00:02:51Yeah. I mean, we've solved many things over the years, but I think that is our finest hour. It really is.
00:02:57I think it's up there with the best we've ever done.
00:02:59Oh!
00:03:00Jeez!
00:03:04Oh.
00:03:05Oh.
00:03:06I think we need to call for an ambulance.
00:03:07That's a good idea.
00:03:08Okay, I'll do it.
00:03:09Do you know what the number is?
00:03:11Nine...
00:03:12Oh, there's a nine.
00:03:14Oh, there's a nine.
00:03:15Oh, hello.
00:03:16Oh, gentlemen.
00:03:20You idiots.
00:03:23Clear point this time.
00:03:24You've killed a man.
00:03:25Well, I'm sorry, he wasn't going to make it anyway.
00:03:27No, I think he was.
00:03:28He looked very peaky.
00:03:29He did.
00:03:30It's all very well building a faster ambulance, but it's no good if you have to tow the patient to hospital.
00:03:36Now, go back to the drawing board, and for once, do it properly.
00:03:40Right.
00:03:41Mm-hmm.
00:03:41Okay.
00:03:42So, we've got to build something that's faster than a normal ambulance.
00:03:46Yeah, but it's got to have room for the patient.
00:03:48Inside it.
00:03:49Inside it, yeah.
00:03:50That's where we went wrong, there.
00:03:52Naturally, we couldn't agree on what vehicle we should use as a start point.
00:03:59So, each of us went our own way.
00:04:02Here is what I have chosen.
00:04:14Yeah, it is a van, but it's a Chevy G20.
00:04:17Under there, 5.7 litre small block Chevy V8.
00:04:22What I've got is a V8 ambulance, but there's more.
00:04:25That thing, £150,000.
00:04:26This, about £5,000.
00:04:29I am saving the NHS a lot of money that they can spend better on bandages.
00:04:34And those paper bottles that you're wee in.
00:04:37At this point, the orangutan arrived.
00:04:41Hello.
00:04:41Well, Porsche 944 Turbo.
00:04:50Yes, I know.
00:04:51It's not very ambulance-y, is it?
00:04:53What's wrong with it?
00:04:54This was actually designed as an ambulance by Porsche.
00:04:58Was it?
00:04:58It was?
00:04:59It was.
00:04:59In what way is it an ambulance?
00:05:00Make that work for me.
00:05:01Right, okay, fine.
00:05:02Full James May spec, brown interior, brown carpet, brown dashboard.
00:05:08So that if there's a transor accident with the patient, you don't see it.
00:05:11And the whole point is we were told to get a fast ambulance, were we not?
00:05:16It's a 944 Turbo.
00:05:18Top speed, 152 miles an hour.
00:05:21And this is yours.
00:05:22Oh, yeah.
00:05:23Top speed?
00:05:24It's so big that they won't even tell you.
00:05:26They don't even know what the top speed is.
00:05:28Is it?
00:05:28There is no top speed.
00:05:29Is it?
00:05:29Yep.
00:05:30Look at that.
00:05:31Yep.
00:05:31I know.
00:05:32It's brilliant, isn't it?
00:05:33Electric seats.
00:05:35Why is every single car you ever buy for one of these challenges filled with rushed Drelon?
00:05:40I don't know.
00:05:41It's just something that happens.
00:05:41I don't know.
00:05:42No, I'm sorry, Hammond.
00:05:43Mine is better than yours.
00:05:45Look at the size of this boot.
00:05:47To demonstrate its enormity, I made Hammond climb into it.
00:05:51Right.
00:05:52It's not brilliant.
00:05:53Tell me I've done this wrong.
00:05:54Yeah?
00:05:55Tell me I've done this wrong.
00:05:57Um, one thing.
00:05:58What?
00:05:58It is quite incredibly hot in here.
00:06:00Is it?
00:06:01I'm in a greenhouse.
00:06:02I'm quite quickly beginning to cook.
00:06:05As Hammond simmered to death...
00:06:06Oh, look!
00:06:07...an undertaker arrived.
00:06:09Oh, sorry.
00:06:16Behold the Ford Scorpio Cardinal.
00:06:19So what's really interesting about this car is what's going on under here.
00:06:26This has a 2.9-litre quad cam 24-valve V6 developed by Cosworth and giving 207 horsepower.
00:06:37Oh, mm-hmm.
00:06:38And it has traction control.
00:06:39Yes.
00:06:40And it has a sport button.
00:06:42All very interesting, James.
00:06:44Really, very good indeed.
00:06:45But there's a bit of an elephant in the room.
00:06:47Yes, I knew you were going to say that.
00:06:48It's not Ford's finest styling.
00:06:50I know, but that hardly matters if you've just fallen off a ladder, does it?
00:06:53That's not the elephant we're talking about.
00:06:54The elephant's a little further back.
00:06:57It's a hearse!
00:06:58It is a hearse, James.
00:06:59It's what you put dead people in!
00:07:01Well, look at it this way.
00:07:02If you lose the patient, which does happen, you've still got a job.
00:07:06But look at the plus size.
00:07:07It's very fast.
00:07:08It's very smooth.
00:07:09Is it?
00:07:09Yes, it is.
00:07:10It's very refined.
00:07:11It's the right shape for patients already.
00:07:13This is a type of car that has actually been misused for years.
00:07:17Tell you what it would, mate.
00:07:18Brilliant camper van.
00:07:19Yeah, good ice cream van as well.
00:07:22Or a burger van, anything like that.
00:07:23Van life.
00:07:24Yes, but not an ambulance.
00:07:26My protests were then halted by the arrival of a challenge.
00:07:29Ah.
00:07:30Go on, then.
00:07:31You will now do a drag race with your ambulances against the NHS equivalent.
00:07:37We'll see that.
00:07:38Many points will be awarded to the winner.
00:07:41Well.
00:07:41Well, I'm the winner.
00:07:42Well, I...
00:07:43No, you put next to...
00:07:44That's a Chevy engine.
00:07:46That's a Corvette engine in there, basically, as I have said.
00:07:48Shall we just do it and see?
00:07:49Yes, let's do it.
00:07:50Let's get on.
00:07:50It's the sort of point.
00:07:52Moments later, we took our places on the start line.
00:07:56Sport, traction control off.
00:08:00Remain dignified.
00:08:02Drive, I'm ready.
00:08:04Prepare to be surprised.
00:08:06When this car was new, it produced 217 horsepower, but today I'm not so sure, because when I opened
00:08:14the turbo yesterday, I found this in it.
00:08:18Bits of what could be gravel or broken ceramic.
00:08:24I don't know.
00:08:25I just know it has no place in a piece of high-tech equipment.
00:08:28The weirdest ambulance race in history is about to be good.
00:08:40Three, two, one.
00:08:43Oh, I'm going to win.
00:08:50I'm going to get my mirrors dropping out.
00:08:53Eat my dust, Chevrolet.
00:08:55Oh, my God, no!
00:08:56The hearse is mighty.
00:09:04Look at it go.
00:09:06100.
00:09:07But it seems, yes.
00:09:09Oh, no!
00:09:11The Porsche is mightier than the hearse.
00:09:14And across the line at 120 miles an hour.
00:09:25The A-team had one of these.
00:09:28Hammond, my commiserations on your unfortunate loss.
00:09:34The fact is, though, that all our vehicles were faster than the National Health Service.
00:09:40And having proved that, we were told to go off and make them a bit more ambulancy.
00:09:49Thank you very much.
00:09:50Good.
00:09:51Thank you very much.
00:09:54Now, we're going to pick that up.
00:09:58We'll pick that up later on.
00:09:59But just before we move on and do the news, can I just say, if you're standing in a field
00:10:05with a severed arm, you don't want the NHS to arrive in a diesel van.
00:10:09You don't want someone coming in a hearse.
00:10:11It's a Cosworth hearse.
00:10:13I don't care if it's a Bugatti hearse.
00:10:15It's still a hearse.
00:10:16And what it says to the patient is, you're not going to make it.
00:10:19It does, James.
00:10:20It does.
00:10:21But the point I'm trying to make is this, okay.
00:10:23Not only are you bothered about what car they come in, but also the driver.
00:10:27You don't want to be rescued by Josh out of casualty.
00:10:30You want Lewis Hamilton.
00:10:32Now, that is a good point, actually.
00:10:33It is.
00:10:34It is because if you think about it, racing drivers are like actors.
00:10:38At any given moment, 97% of them are out of work.
00:10:41So why doesn't the NHS take them on?
00:10:43They could be doing something useful.
00:10:45And what's Nigel Mansell doing these days?
00:10:47Because he would know he would be a brilliant ambulance driver, wouldn't he?
00:10:50With his comforting Brummie accent and his reassuring moustache in the front of the ambulance.
00:10:56I'd love to know he was there.
00:10:57Anyway, let's now do the news.
00:10:59And, oh, yes.
00:11:00We've had a number of complaints about last week's show.
00:11:03People said it was cruel to blow up a cow.
00:11:07Well, I want to make it absolutely plain.
00:11:09I mean, right now, no cow was hurt in the making of that film.
00:11:14Its death was instantaneous.
00:11:17It wouldn't have felt it.
00:11:18Immediately, it wouldn't have known.
00:11:19Right, next.
00:11:20Yes, I have news, very exciting news.
00:11:22It is a new Ferrari.
00:11:24There is a picture of it here.
00:11:26Holy moly.
00:11:27Yes, indeed.
00:11:28That is the 488 GTB.
00:11:31It has a 3.9-litre turbocharged V8.
00:11:35661 horsepower, 0-60 in three seconds.
00:11:39And, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the replacement, isn't it, for the 458?
00:11:42Yes, it is.
00:11:43God, I'm just thinking, if you had a 458, you'd be feeling suicidal now, wouldn't you?
00:11:47Yeah, you would.
00:11:48Yeah.
00:11:49That's prettier.
00:11:50Yeah.
00:11:50Faster.
00:11:51It's turbocharged, so it does 25 miles to the ground.
00:11:5450% more downforce than the 458.
00:11:57Yeah.
00:11:57Yeah, yeah.
00:11:58James.
00:11:59Yes, Richard.
00:12:00Haven't you got a 458?
00:12:02Oh.
00:12:03Completely forgot.
00:12:04Yes, I have.
00:12:05It's worthless now.
00:12:07It's truly worthless now.
00:12:08I don't know how they've done that.
00:12:09You might want to just give it away to a member of the audience here.
00:12:12I mean, just, well, I think we should maybe put it, but let's open it to all the viewers.
00:12:18Yeah.
00:12:19If you'd like James's Ferrari, write to us at James May, I'll take that Ferrari off your
00:12:25hands if I must, BBC London, wherever we are.
00:12:29You know, people are actually going to write in there.
00:12:33Yes.
00:12:33And we're actually going to give it away.
00:12:36Yeah, we are.
00:12:37We're committed now.
00:12:38That is a thing of extraordinary beauty.
00:12:40But I have to say this, McLaren, quick to respond, they also have announced a new car.
00:12:45Can't remember what it's called.
00:12:46It doesn't matter.
00:12:46They sent us a picture of it.
00:12:47Here it is.
00:12:50I'm not actually joking.
00:12:51They genuinely sent out going, we've got a new car.
00:12:54It's not actually a car, is it?
00:12:56It's not really, no.
00:12:57It's not finished.
00:12:57I think I prefer the Ferrari.
00:13:00Now, I want to talk about immigration.
00:13:04And as I said that, the entire BBC management team sat bolt up right in there, sitting in
00:13:09room and went, oh no, where is he going with this?
00:13:12Well, relax, ladies.
00:13:14Don't treat me properly.
00:13:19All I want to say is, if you are an immigrant, you've just arrived in Britain, welcome.
00:13:24Make yourselves at home.
00:13:25I hope you're very happy here.
00:13:26Yeah, absolutely.
00:13:27We mean this, I mean, thank you for coming here, thank you for working hard, thank you
00:13:30for paying taxes, thank you for cleaning my car.
00:13:33And we're off the air.
00:13:35That's the end of that.
00:13:36It's been great.
00:13:37No, the man who runs the car balloting place near me has recently arrived from Albania,
00:13:42and he's brilliant, and no one else is going to do it.
00:13:45He's superb.
00:13:45That's what I meant.
00:13:46Fair enough.
00:13:47Fair enough.
00:13:47Well done, James.
00:13:48What I wanted to say is, I've noticed this driving around in Britain, okay?
00:13:52I've noticed a lot of the new boys, people who've just arrived in Britain,
00:13:55but I'm starting to understand how you use the motorways here, that the right-hand lane,
00:14:00the outside lane, is for overtaking.
00:14:02And then when you've completed your overtaking movie, you then move back into the two inside
00:14:07lanes again.
00:14:07I mean, I'm just pointing that on as a piece of information.
00:14:09No, because that's how it works here.
00:14:11Exactly.
00:14:11Think of that right-hand lane as the lavatory.
00:14:13Yeah.
00:14:14You go in, do what you've got to do, and then you come out again.
00:14:17You don't stay in there all day.
00:14:20Unless you're James May, then I don't know if you're doing that.
00:14:23But actually, seriously, you can't blame people for not necessarily knowing that.
00:14:27I mean, if you move to a completely different country, there's a lot of stuff that you don't
00:14:31know that you have to learn.
00:14:32Well, I mean, exactly.
00:14:33We travel an awful lot, as I'm sure you know.
00:14:35I mean, in India, for example, if you're behind a lorry and it indicates right, that
00:14:40means I have seen you in my mirrors, do please feel free to overtake.
00:14:45Or it means I'm turning right.
00:14:47Yeah, it does.
00:14:48And if only there'd been a motoring show that would have told us when we got there that
00:14:53that's what it means.
00:14:54It's a valuable service.
00:14:55Yeah, exactly.
00:14:55Because in Burma, for example, if you turn your headlights off, that means it's nighttime.
00:15:01There's lots and lots of differences when he's driving on the road.
00:15:05There's another one in Britain for people who've just got here.
00:15:08If you stop by the police for any reason, it's traditional in Britain to cut the officer's
00:15:14face and kiss him lightly.
00:15:16Yeah.
00:15:17And quite often, you'll find he'll give you a traditional little friendly punch in the
00:15:22face and maybe a jovial little taze along with it.
00:15:25I think what we're trying to say is, get out of the outside lane.
00:15:31Oh, now, there's a new special edition of the Range Rover Evoque.
00:15:34It's called the NW8.
00:15:37NW8?
00:15:37Yes.
00:15:38Well, they named it after a London postcode?
00:15:40Yep.
00:15:40Next up probably will be the E17.
00:15:44A car that runs over its own driver.
00:15:46What's the matter now?
00:15:53I don't get that.
00:15:55E17?
00:15:56East 17.
00:15:57It's a postcode.
00:15:58I don't know.
00:15:58Why would a postcode run over?
00:15:59How could a postcode?
00:15:59East 17 is a band.
00:16:01Brian Harvey?
00:16:02Is he a driver?
00:16:02No, Hammond, look.
00:16:05Hammond, basically the only band he knows is the Wurzles.
00:16:08That's the problem.
00:16:10Now, I want to talk about stopping distances.
00:16:11We touched on this when we were in Australia last week.
00:16:14You see, the government says we have to be limited to 70 miles an hour on the motorway
00:16:18because the stopping distance from 70 is 315 feet, which they say that's an acceptable
00:16:25stopping distance, so therefore you can't go any faster than 70.
00:16:28Yeah, exactly, but we know that it isn't 315 feet, don't we, because we've demonstrated
00:16:31this in Australia last week.
00:16:32Well, from 60, yes, but we made the point.
00:16:34So what we were wondering is how fast do you actually have to be going before you need
00:16:40315 feet to stop?
00:16:42So we actually decided this morning, in fact, to do an experiment.
00:16:45We've got footage of it here.
00:16:46It's the Stig driving along in a diesel-powered Vauxhall Insignia, and he's building up speed
00:16:53to a brake point now, far braking, and that's the Stig doing it, and there we are, 315 feet
00:17:00exactly.
00:17:00Anyone want to guess how fast he was going when he pressed the brake pedal?
00:17:04100.
00:17:05100 miles an hour?
00:17:0790.
00:17:07130 in a Vauxhall Insignia diesel?
00:17:11No, try to be realistic.
00:17:12110, actually he was doing 112 miles an hour, so if the government says that the speed limit
00:17:19is determined by stopping distance, then we should be allowed to drive at 112 miles an
00:17:25hour.
00:17:26Don't be logical.
00:17:27You can't argue with it.
00:17:28Yeah.
00:17:29It's logic.
00:17:30Right, okay, now it's time to get back to our ambulance film.
00:17:35So far we've established that my car, his van and his hearse are faster than the NHS equivalent,
00:17:40and now we pick up the action, after we've converted them into actual ambulances.
00:17:49We reconvened once more at our track, and James was the first to arrive.
00:17:55Hello viewers, and as you would expect, I have done it properly.
00:18:04This is no longer a hearse, it is the future of club class recovery transport.
00:18:10I've based it all on business jet travel, it goes fast, and it makes you feel better.
00:18:15Choice of pillows, television to show your journey, a lovely view to the top, a lovely
00:18:21view out of the windows.
00:18:22What could be wrong with it?
00:18:23It is the perfect ambulance.
00:18:24I don't know why nobody's thought of it before, to be brutally honest.
00:18:27James May.
00:18:28Oh, crikey.
00:18:29Prepared to be blown away by the turbulence of my magnificence.
00:18:35Behold what I have done.
00:18:37I'm prepared to bask in the fetid belch of his incompetence, but anyway, let's see.
00:18:41Hello.
00:18:43The challenge, as you know, was to build a fast ambulance.
00:18:48I've added 300 horsepower with the paint job.
00:18:55You'll notice hydraulic handbrake.
00:18:59Hydraulic handbrake?
00:19:00Hydraulic handbrake.
00:19:01You often hear ambulance drivers saying, oh, if only I'd had a hydraulic handbrake.
00:19:05You've never heard them say that because they've never thought of it.
00:19:08Well, okay.
00:19:09Telephone number.
00:19:10Yes, telephone number.
00:19:10That works everywhere, doesn't it?
00:19:12Yes.
00:19:12That's good.
00:19:12I can see the performance.
00:19:13Yes.
00:19:15That?
00:19:15This?
00:19:15Yeah.
00:19:16This?
00:19:17Yeah.
00:19:17This is genius.
00:19:19No other word for it.
00:19:20But before I could explain, Hammond arrived.
00:19:25Oh, my God.
00:19:27Oh, yeah.
00:19:33Ambulance.
00:19:34It doesn't say.
00:19:36No, what it says is low-cost nuclear waste disposal, not ambulance.
00:19:41Yeah, what it says is get out of the way, because you would.
00:19:44You see that, you're not going to just sit there dithering, oh, I might, I might not.
00:19:48You're going to run.
00:19:49What's this?
00:19:50Well, if you're stuck in traffic, for instance, and you saw this, and green gas started coming out,
00:19:54you wouldn't be stuck in traffic anymore.
00:19:56So you're scaring people out of the way of your high-performance ambulance?
00:20:00They are, but it isn't high-performance.
00:20:02No.
00:20:02That's what I'm about to say.
00:20:03Is it any faster?
00:20:05Yes.
00:20:05I have addressed the issue of speed.
00:20:07I've done so very cleverly.
00:20:08What I have fitted, if you look over there, nitrous.
00:20:12Because it has two purposes.
00:20:15It's what they use as laughing gas in hospitals, isn't it?
00:20:17Yes.
00:20:17So if the patient needs to be made to feel a bit better, I switch that to patient.
00:20:21If I want to go a bit faster, I switch that to engine, and it diverts the nitrous into the engine, another several hundred bhp.
00:20:28Of course, of course, nitrous is the same thing that drag racers use to go faster, and that they use.
00:20:33James then demonstrated the motorised loading bay he'd fitted to his herspulence.
00:20:44Oh, the speed!
00:20:46The speed!
00:20:47I'm bleeding.
00:20:47It's my febrile artery.
00:20:49I'm bleeding out.
00:20:49You're bleeding to death!
00:20:50It's slowing now.
00:20:51It's not bleeding as quickly.
00:20:53It's barely dribbling out now.
00:20:55It's a good job you've got a Cosworth engine, James, because you've got a lot of time to make up.
00:20:59Can we have a look inside?
00:21:00Of course you're going to have a look inside.
00:21:02Oh, no, you're going to go!
00:21:05It won't take the weight of a tiny, tiny man.
00:21:08I then demonstrated my much faster patient loading solution.
00:21:18Oh, I see!
00:21:19Wheels deployed there.
00:21:21Wheels deployed there.
00:21:24Annoying me, that's actually quite clever.
00:21:25This is a split-folding tank.
00:21:26It's like a Range Rover Porsche.
00:21:27Exactly.
00:21:28Don't sit on it.
00:21:28You've already broken one tailgate today.
00:21:30And my brilliant engineering didn't stop there.
00:21:35I'm driving down a narrow street.
00:21:39Parked cars are on either side.
00:21:40I can't get through.
00:21:42Clear!
00:21:44What?
00:21:48What?
00:21:50It's a rambulance!
00:21:52I thought it was a snowplough.
00:21:55This is...
00:21:55Sheet steel.
00:21:57Okay.
00:21:57Tan-zell.
00:22:00Heavy?
00:22:01Very.
00:22:03That's why it folds back.
00:22:04Oh, well, because it's lighter when it's folded back.
00:22:05No, no, no, no.
00:22:06Do you know nothing about weight distribution?
00:22:0950-50 rate distribution.
00:22:09But it's still weight.
00:22:10It's 50-50.
00:22:11As we discussed my handiwork, a challenge arrived.
00:22:15The stick will now drive each of your cars around the track, which, to make it more real, has
00:22:23been fitted with three speed humps.
00:22:26You will be in the back with a patient, and in the course of one lap, you will put his
00:22:31intestines back in, insert a drip and fit a catheter.
00:22:35Points will be awarded for speed and how much of the medical work you complete successfully.
00:22:40What?
00:22:41Is a catheter a thing that goes up your old chap?
00:22:43Yes!
00:22:44Up it?
00:22:44Yes.
00:22:45Not on it?
00:22:46No!
00:22:49Annand elected to go first, and once his patient had been loaded, a rather bemused stick took
00:22:55his place at the wheel.
00:22:57Oh, it's not in a good way at all.
00:22:59Hey!
00:22:59It's a girl.
00:23:00Oh, yeah.
00:23:01Oh, no, or is it, though?
00:23:02It's a girl from where I am.
00:23:03Just have a look under there.
00:23:05Is that just a bit of...
00:23:06Ah!
00:23:07There's a thing.
00:23:08There's a lady, boy.
00:23:09Anyway, it's a medical emergency.
00:23:11Get out of the way.
00:23:12I've got to get on with this.
00:23:16In, three, two, one, go!
00:23:21Oh!
00:23:22Oh, I shouldn't...
00:23:23Ah, yeah, I...
00:23:24Um, the wheels were a mistake.
00:23:27I'm really sorry, mate.
00:23:28Let's try and put your guts back in the...
00:23:30Bidding.
00:23:31Ah!
00:23:31Ah!
00:23:32Ah!
00:23:37Airway.
00:23:37That's a priority.
00:23:38That goes in here.
00:23:40Ah!
00:23:40Ah!
00:23:41Be sick on me!
00:23:42I'm coming in...
00:23:43Ah!
00:23:47Stop vomiting, you idiot!
00:23:49Ah!
00:23:50This is the willy bit.
00:23:53You probably can't see this on television.
00:23:55This has to go in the end.
00:23:58Ah!
00:23:59No, I'm coming in wee!
00:24:02Ah!
00:24:02Ah!
00:24:02Ah!
00:24:05Speed up!
00:24:06Ah!
00:24:07Ah!
00:24:07Ah!
00:24:09Ah!
00:24:09Ah!
00:24:10That would have been deeply uncomfortable for Hamlet.
00:24:12I thought so, yeah.
00:24:13And we'll get the blood out of the bag!
00:24:21I'm tempted to move back.
00:24:23Do you know, I agree.
00:24:24Yeah.
00:24:25That's Shtig.
00:24:26Ah!
00:24:26Shtig!
00:24:28Whoa!
00:24:30There he is.
00:24:32What's the line?
00:24:34The two-minute-17 lap had taken its toll on both the Chevy's brakes and Dr Hammond.
00:24:41Holy moly!
00:24:42Look at the state of him.
00:24:44What's that?
00:24:44Being an ambulance man is a tough job.
00:24:47What is that?
00:24:48It's wee.
00:24:49Is it yours?
00:24:50No.
00:24:51Next, it was the turn of Dr Slow's her-spulence.
00:24:55Three, two, one, go!
00:25:02Should I start the stopwatch now?
00:25:04Well, this is part of the...
00:25:06Well, it's taking time.
00:25:10Is this seat fastened down?
00:25:12Yeah.
00:25:13What he's done is take a length of one of those stairlets.
00:25:24I think you may have overdone it slightly on the closing the tailgate, Stig.
00:25:28Fasten it.
00:25:28You get in and we'll fasten you in.
00:25:30Your lap time is going to be shocking.
00:25:32You haven't started the stopwatch.
00:25:33Yeah.
00:25:33Of course we have.
00:25:34Well, I haven't set off yet.
00:25:35You did set off.
00:25:36That's a tall call, isn't it?
00:25:39Hurry up.
00:25:40Go.
00:25:43It's gone.
00:25:44It's gone, then.
00:25:45Five minutes thirty to get to there.
00:25:47That's not brilliant.
00:25:48Can you hear me, man?
00:25:49Woman?
00:25:50No.
00:25:50Right.
00:25:51Breathing.
00:25:51Possibly not.
00:25:52Put in.
00:25:53The Hurspidons coped brilliantly with the corners.
00:25:59That's his guts back in.
00:26:01But less well on the speedhumps.
00:26:08Ow.
00:26:11Keep going.
00:26:15He's going to make it.
00:26:17Here he comes.
00:26:18James wasn't best pleased with his lap time.
00:26:30Twelve minutes.
00:26:32Oh, get along.
00:26:32It was.
00:26:33It's the slowest lap in Top Gear's history.
00:26:37Finally, it was the turn of the Porsche, and immediately there was a problem.
00:26:44Good.
00:26:45He's kicked the patient.
00:26:46Shut up.
00:26:50Eventually, though, the ape was in position.
00:26:54Big in!
00:26:57Is he focusing on getting the drip in?
00:27:00Or is he focusing on...
00:27:03Trust in me.
00:27:06Trust in me.
00:27:08Oh!
00:27:10Holy fuck!
00:27:11God!
00:27:12God!
00:27:14God!
00:27:16That hurts so much!
00:27:23You maniac!
00:27:27Oh!
00:27:27Stupid man!
00:27:30Oh, God!
00:27:31What happens when I go over a speed bump?
00:27:33I don't like this!
00:27:38Oh!
00:27:39Oh!
00:27:39Here he comes.
00:27:44I've been a seam from Carrie!
00:27:48I want Joss back from Casualty!
00:27:53Go!
00:27:56And across the line!
00:27:58Oh!
00:28:00Oh, dear!
00:28:02and then to complete my humiliation two 24 rubbish what i was slower than yeah you were
00:28:1212 or something weren't you yep did he slow down at all for the speed hubs nope that's why we got
00:28:18air right that's my drawback but you can't i mean it's a porsche you can't hit this it hasn't got
00:28:25the clearance 600 000 people a year are killed in the back of ambulances by speed what you're doing
00:28:33is making that up yes but it's making a point as well i'm making it up to make a point if it's one
00:28:38or more it's an issue go ever too fast patient dies yeah slow down to make it comfortable patient dies
00:28:43because they don't reach the hospital in time until this government gets rid of every single speed hump
00:28:49we're all going to die for our next test we had to see which of our cars had the fastest
00:28:57patient offloading system as i approach the a and e department i open the boot using electricity
00:29:04i then apply the handbrake hydraulic the car swings round centrifugal force causes the patient to leave
00:29:11the car the ambulance on his stretcher the wheels deploy and he rolls into the hospital i am then
00:29:19pointing in the right direction to go back out and get another patient somewhere there's a world in
00:29:26which that will work rambulums one coming in hot delivery system engaged behold my genius
00:29:40not an enormous success now i could see where the thinking was going but the legs didn't deploy and
00:29:45the patient's dead goal line technology that is in i'm going to give it a no on the basis that he
00:29:52isn't in the hospital he is he's not he is even his foot's not in he's not in the nobody's going
00:29:58to look at that and say oh that poor man's in hospital they're going to say that poor man's been
00:30:01dumped outside a hospital it was then mighty swing it around what is he doing similar solar system
00:30:10only i'm using a cannon and uh ready good fire pretty quick i think he'll agree
00:30:19what what the hell was that i'm not entirely certain you've delivered the patient to the hospital
00:30:27well i have or that the patient is still what's the word i'm looking for alive that's the one oh oh dear
00:30:35it was a air can oh and the door didn't open properly given how low the bar had been set i think
00:30:43it was a good idea i was confident that i'd win this james what exactly are we looking at well this
00:30:52is a robot lawnmower is it i've laid out pieces of string it knows where those are so it mows only
00:30:57inside this big rectangle so then i thought you know the really big farm lawnmowers you mean combines
00:31:05yeah whatever those work off sat nav the sat nav knows where it is and that's the technology i've used
00:31:12we watched eagerly as james lined up to demonstrate his invention oh my god
00:31:27right now all i do is using my special programmer i have the coordinates for the operating theater of
00:31:42this hospital already entered now watch
00:31:52stand clear what so you uploaded the schematics to your pda of the hospital like jack bauer
00:32:01what does that mean arrived at the operating theater does it yes in some ways i'm very impressed with what
00:32:08he's done yeah but in one colossal way i'm not sure that it's worked at all i know what that way
00:32:19is and i think you're right it is a disadvantage of the system it's a problem james would you like to
00:32:24know what the massive what if you insist there's something wrong with it yeah maybe your patient
00:32:31changed his mind
00:32:38thank you so much everybody now we'll pick that up we'll pick that up later on uh but now it is time
00:32:44to put a star in our reasonably priced car my guest tonight is a formula one driver who is always
00:32:50smiling but he says that behind the cuddly exterior he's actually a bit of a honey badger a ferocious
00:32:57animal that fits its opponents by going for their crotch areas so ladies and gentlemen please put your
00:33:05hands over your genitals for daniel ricardo
00:33:20people love it when an f1 driver comes
00:33:25it's weird we were in australia last week and the northern territory saw no australians at all
00:33:30and now there's one here yeah but then you're all over here actually if we're honest aren't you
00:33:36not by choice
00:33:41i can feel the warmth you're generating now no um what i wanted to do is obviously when you started
00:33:47at red bull last year did you think and i know a lot of people did that you'd be the cheerful aussie
00:33:52playing second fiddle to the four times world champion sebastian mattel no you didn't so you actually
00:33:58thought from the get-go i'm going to have him i believed i'll have him but uh yeah until i got
00:34:05on track and and had everything like for like i wasn't obviously sure how it would go but coming
00:34:10into it i didn't expect to be you know the guy following him every weekend you know obviously came
00:34:15in with some self-belief and and then i think that sort of showed and and then confidence grew after
00:34:20that so there were 19 races last year and you beat him in how many i don't know uh i do how many
00:34:27awesome 14 of them 14. don't pretend you didn't know that i didn't really actually i knew it was
00:34:35more like i knew i had more than him yeah no you out qualified him in you're going to pretend you don't
00:34:39know that wait this one's uh 12 7 11 8 11 8. but you really you're not keeping that in your head
00:34:46i would be i'd bring him up every morning he changed his number i think one of the reasons we
00:34:55were all surprised i think when you first started and were immediately brilliant in the red bull is
00:35:01that you just don't look particularly ruthless i mean you're always smiling the photographs we've
00:35:06been i've looked through see if i could find you one of you not smiling ever have a look at this okay
00:35:11because this is winning in canada that's a huge beam yes yeah and this is after you've been
00:35:17disqualified and then we've got another photograph of you having some kind of blood test with a
00:35:24horrible injection there we are still you know it looks like a smile but that's pain right there
00:35:30is it yeah so you smile and you're in agony maybe if we see the lap later there might be some uh
00:35:36uh some different emotions because it was an open face helmet in the uh and the little suzuki well
00:35:41maybe you'll see a little moment when you're not smiling but that is later on now obviously testing
00:35:47is happening now in fact as we speak yeah in fact how come you're not there top gear is way more
00:35:52important really yeah we're on i hate testing i can't stand it really oh i would no i would say i hate it
00:35:58but no you know you say here are machines come off the rails now and how's it going i suppose
00:36:04could we got some formula one fans here inevitably and they'll want to know how's it going are you
00:36:07going to be as fast as the mercs um it's still very early i mean we are still finding our our way
00:36:13but uh we still got eight more days in barcelona after this so come melbourne we'll be right
00:36:18does anybody else just because i think it's only fair there's a lot of formula one fans anyone got
00:36:21any questions they'd like to ask standing while he's here we're talking about formula one
00:36:25what's the back of lewis's carland line can you see that
00:36:38anyone else got another question who's better you or weather
00:36:45i don't know actually let's we'll find out i believe he's 143.1 he is on the board because this is the
00:36:54only time ever when formula one drivers get to actually drive the same same equipment different
00:36:59day one could argue the pressure is on if i'm honest today because i mean my heart rate's going up
00:37:04yeah well they'll be for my it saves mine because i actually said last early last year i actually said
00:37:08to tweet out saying i thought you were the best driver on the f1 grid knuckles thanks
00:37:14it's my way of saying thank you oh it says thank you i thought you'd hit me
00:37:23and it's not i mean people who know what they're talking about as well said it alonso said you what
00:37:27did he call you he said you were unbelievable you know so we have had this sort of how good is
00:37:34daniel and this is your opportunity to come and actually show everybody in the same car they've all
00:37:38driven and the weather today was it was good that's the thing i don't have excuses no it was cold and
00:37:46bright and about as perfect as it could be for a car so who would like to see what is let's be
00:37:52honest an extremely important now play the tape let's have a look come on obviously you're back in the
00:38:00old car the suzuki liana nice to see it back race face on her that is it's like a honey badger i'm
00:38:10guessing are you going to go no weirdly you are not on the wide line taken by most of the formula one
00:38:14taking it tight taking it tight you are just saving distance not there you know chicks are going crazy
00:38:22from this okay this is it a bit understeer a little bit but manage manage nicely keep it tight
00:38:34all sorts of gestures keeping it in the lines yeah now get it all lined up ready for a smooth quick
00:38:43i don't why am i telling you what you're doing everybody you know what you're doing come on
00:38:47are you suggesting this isn't fast enough look at it using the red and white this line's good this
00:38:56is this is racing oh that's keeping it comfy yeah keeping it comfy oh look at that lift off oversteer
00:39:05that's something our other guests should use lift off oversteering there and then just fling it in
00:39:10and there we are across the line
00:39:24i'm actually nervous go on then where do you think you've come these are affected with the dry times
00:39:29jensen 144 144 144 144 before the year so we're up to lewis then came along on his second attempt and did
00:39:36let's be honest i'm fairly unbeatable 142 9 because that's what is he quicker mark's second so he's
00:39:440.2 and then we're right down to seven 144. should i just go lower i don't know i the gap the gap
00:39:54between weber and vettel scares me like that's a big gap so i'm wondering that's point nine of a
00:39:59second track conditions like there's a load of space to get you and you smile in there
00:40:03just do it slowly lose 142 9 do it slow like one number what by one number like i don't want to if
00:40:11i lost i want to lose slowly start with a one at least one 50. no i'm just teasing you
00:40:33oh sorry i'm letting you down gently is what i'm doing one do it slow do it 40
00:40:43please say two
00:40:46come on two
00:40:52but my hair's standing on end because it's another two i mean seriously a 142 2
00:40:58that's the fastest anybody's ever gone around our track
00:41:20i've told that i've been in opening a lot of these enterprise cars
00:41:28there's it'll be fun next year when you get back on the circuit with with that time that is genuinely
00:41:34remarkable i'm staggered because i've had lewis lewis has hung himself oh and by the way
00:41:40by the way matey boy yeah you want to
00:41:41in the same car it turns out that the aussie has just beaten the british the ashes all over again
00:41:51this is how i felt after canada i didn't know what to say
00:41:54so we've actually made a man happier than winning a grand prix ladies and gentlemen
00:41:58he's done it
00:41:59daniel ricardo
00:42:08you know you know that wasn't a fool
00:42:11no he did all that exactly the same time
00:42:14three times that's why he's yeah
00:42:16yeah now tonight we have made three ambulances and to be honest there have been a few niggles and
00:42:24minor teeling troubles yeah for example not one of them has yet delivered a patient to hospital
00:42:30alive no nevertheless the producers said we had to go off and build a thunderbird style
00:42:36international rescue facility where we would be on hand with our ambulances 24 hours a day ready to
00:42:43respond at a moment's notice this is it and inside the command module we were waiting for our first
00:42:53emergency have you heard about this jewish volunteer ambulance service called hat salah no no honestly
00:43:02i'm not joking it's unbelievable the nhs response time in britain for a life-threatening situation is
00:43:09eight minutes they get there in new york in new york which is busy in four minutes that's from the
00:43:15call that's from the court four minutes later they're there there's a thousand of them in new
00:43:20york okay and they're normal people they're builders they're teachers they're whatever they're trained
00:43:24and they keep with them in their cars at all time defibrillators medicine all the things you need
00:43:30it's it's a brilliant idea and we should be aiming for these these response times it takes me two
00:43:35minutes to shut the shut the bags he has a point oh gentlemen incoming message what a remarkable printer
00:43:46a meteorite has landed on the town of feel there are many casualties points will be awarded for
00:43:52whichever one of you gets one of those casualties to the hospital in the quickest time this is it
00:43:59international rescue has been summoned thunderbirds are gone
00:44:18oh
00:44:29power sliding in an ambulance
00:44:56oh
00:45:04coming for it
00:45:09big dang coldsworth power
00:45:13naturally we soon encountered heavy traffic but we were ready for that engaging siren
00:45:19come on
00:45:24come on go
00:45:27not see i'm an ambulance
00:45:31yeah staying alive it's it's reassuring for the patient
00:45:35but it doesn't really say siren to other road users
00:45:39get out of the way normal ambulance come on my siren like my ambulance was designed to scare people out of the way
00:45:50and annoyingly though it didn't really work
00:46:00it's not scared at all
00:46:09if hammond siren wasn't working james's didn't have a prayer
00:46:16i know it's slightly annoying but could you be an awfully good sport and move out of the way of the ambulance
00:46:22thank you
00:46:22when we arrived in thiel we split up to look for the meteorite crash site
00:46:30oh god the place is a mess look at the dam oh no this isn't the site is it this is just
00:46:37deal
00:46:40we've got everything we need blood oxygen
00:46:47hydraulic handbrake very important in our ambulance
00:46:50the hansella ambulance service will be watching this with their mouths agog
00:46:59four minutes call out time head salah are the people to beat
00:47:07uh
00:47:11yeah temporarily lost
00:47:14has anybody seen a meteorite can't be
00:47:20i can't see anything that's been damaged by a meteorite this is getting irritating
00:47:3740 minutes later two of us arrived
00:47:41relax people i'm here
00:47:45oh my god look at this
00:47:51yeah we've got a lot of casualties here
00:47:53where is the site come on oh hello brakes are getting spozy
00:48:04still hot
00:48:05jeremy what this is absolutely amazing
00:48:11it is none of the girls are wearing underwear oh here comes hammond thanks on
00:48:19do you just have the fire brigade following me around
00:48:21oh yeah it does do that yes i didn't think it was going to be a real meteorite strike i mean
00:48:27no it is actually
00:48:31go on then each of the casualties is fitted with a timer showing how long they have before they die
00:48:38this lets you know how long you have before they must reach the hospital however
00:48:44however each time they are jolted or bashed the timer will jump forwards 10 seconds
00:48:51how long is on the timers well i don't know i presume depending on how wounded they are
00:48:56oh so we'll be different so we've got to choose one with the longest amount of time
00:49:00okay the race starts in three two one now right i'm just gonna get in
00:49:1130 seconds waste of time two minutes mate i'm sorry
00:49:21he's got 10 minutes i'm having him eight minutes 55 that's it's you it's you you're in good shape my
00:49:29man i can look after you there you go sir but the patience carefully loaded get in
00:49:40richard and ollie were on our way
00:49:43the roads to the state-of-the-art
00:50:03never lost a patient from feel on my watch sure as hell not going to lose one now
00:50:08the roads to the state-of-the-art hospital on the other side of town were littered with abandoned
00:50:16cars but hammond and i had decided to get there as fast as possible even if it meant incurring a few
00:50:2410-second penalties don't worry sir you just hang on tight here we go rams deployed
00:50:39the thing is mate you get a 10-second penalty for every single little knot
00:50:46we may as well have big knots
00:50:48and surprisingly james had decided to adopt a policy of no knocks at all
00:50:57hello and welcome aboard the ekna lubma your recovery is our first priority we realize that
00:51:03you have a choice of ambulances and this is indeed the best one
00:51:06this patience is really annoying me now oh no he's broken free
00:51:18there it is oh i'm sorry that's probably 10 seconds off your life
00:51:26meanwhile in the next street
00:51:28james had encountered a perjot driver
00:51:36sorry to disturb you gentlemen sir but this is an ambulance and this is an emergency
00:51:42it really is a matter of great importance that you make way for the ambulance thank you
00:51:56so
00:52:04i've been reasonably polite about this
00:52:19so far i would like you to get out of the way thanks to our exuberant driving my patient and
00:52:28hammond's had lost a lot of life so we decided to go even faster we're on the way to hospital
00:52:45i think my man is suffering
00:52:53reassuring tunes coming up
00:53:03so
00:53:07following my encounter with the infernal perjot i'd also thrown caution to the wind
00:53:13hang on fellow we're making up the lost sight
00:53:21so
00:53:23so
00:53:25watch this
00:53:27cock
00:53:29cock ignore it
00:53:33it. Might have lost a few seconds in that. Oh no, I've got a Porsche ambulance behind me.
00:53:45Come on, get out of my way! I'm coming through in a Porsche Turbo!
00:53:53Brakes are definitely fading.
00:53:55This is the trouble with the privatised ambulance service that we have created here.
00:54:05It's a race really.
00:54:10Good to be controlled. Patient rested.
00:54:17Hammond, move, move, move!
00:54:20Right, nitrous.
00:54:25He's gone, he's gone, and he's gone badly wrong. Hammond has stuffed it.
00:54:35Nearly there. Sorry about the noise. You'll be fine.
00:54:42Sorry. You couldn't get a lot done in ten seconds.
00:54:48We're getting near the hospital now. Stay with me, stay with me!
00:54:55Oh yes. Bird at the hospital.
00:55:01That is a victory.
00:55:02Oh, damn it. May is already there. But my patient is still alive. Okay.
00:55:19Ready. Boot opening. Patient delivery system engaged. Here we go!
00:55:25I give you one alive patient delivered to a hospital. Where is yours?
00:55:44Oh, he got better.
00:55:45He got better.
00:55:46Did he? Yeah.
00:55:47Did he?
00:55:48I did say, did I not, at the beginning of this item, the process of recovery begins in the club-class ambulance, and in fact it works.
00:55:55James, where is he?
00:55:57In the pub, I imagine.
00:55:58But he can't be in the pub. He was wounded.
00:56:00Why not?
00:56:01He was done. He'd got ten minutes to live.
00:56:02Right, down here. This looks good.
00:56:11Oh, wait for the little gimme comes.
00:56:15And now, coup de grace.
00:56:18Patient hospital.
00:56:19Hammond, you blithering idiot.
00:56:36Well, there we are. Despite Hammond's catastrophic failure at the end there, I think there were a number of very important points made in that film.
00:56:44But now we must work out which of our ambulances was the best.
00:56:48Absolutely. And over here, we have the scoreboard, and we start with the drag race. Now, Jeremy, you won that.
00:56:54I did.
00:56:55So you get ten points.
00:56:57I came second. I get five.
00:56:59Richard Hammond, you were last, and for that you get not.
00:57:03Yep. Okay, fair enough. Then we move on to lap times. Now, remember, you get a point for every second. Your ambulance got round the track, driven by the Stig in under three minutes.
00:57:11Yes.
00:57:12I get 43 points. There we go.
00:57:15Jeremy, you did it in...
00:57:17224.
00:57:18So you get, it's 36.
00:57:1936 points.
00:57:20Yep.
00:57:21And, now, James, um, yours works out, I'm afraid, at minus 568 there.
00:57:30Rubbish!
00:57:31No, no, no, I'm afraid your tailgate coming down, it doesn't let you down badly.
00:57:35All right, never mind, let's move on. Medical procedures. Now, I performed two of those. You get seven points for each one, so I've got 14 points.
00:57:44Richard Hammond, you actually performed three, so you get 21 points.
00:57:49Uh, no, hang on a minute, I did four, because I did the intestines, the catheter, the drip, and I did the airway.
00:57:55Yeah, but you weren't asked to do the airway.
00:57:56Yes, but I did it.
00:57:57We could have done a breast enlargement, it wouldn't have made any difference to your point. You were asked to do three things, you did them now stop moaning. What did I get?
00:58:03Yeah, well, this is the interesting thing, because you, I'm afraid, got naught.
00:58:07Oh, that's because I was rather transfixed by my patients.
00:58:12Where, where?
00:58:13No, I was. It went round one corner, it nearly went in my mouth.
00:58:17Yes.
00:58:18That's a bit bad.
00:58:20Let's move on to value. Richard Hammond, yours was the most expensive.
00:58:25Can you believe it?
00:58:26Well, it's not bad.
00:58:27Difficult, but you get naught. Jeremy Clarkson, yours was very slightly cheaper, so you get five.
00:58:34Yeah. Mine was very much cheaper at just eighteen hundred pounds. I get ten.
00:58:39Ten points there.
00:58:40Okay, moving on now. Sirens.
00:58:42Yep. Mine, but it was rubbish, really, I'll confess.
00:58:45It was. Yeah, it was. So I get naught there.
00:58:47It was childish and rubbish.
00:58:48Jeremy, yours didn't work.
00:58:50No, it didn't. It wasn't childish, it just didn't work.
00:58:52It was rubbish.
00:58:53James, you get minus 406 and one for that one. How do you work that out?
00:59:01Well, because not only was your siren inaudible, but it doesn't actually say ambulance on the front of your ambulance.
00:59:07Yes, it does. It doesn't.
00:59:08It doesn't because, look, you've written the word backwards, but you've got the letters the right way around still.
00:59:13Yes, I know, but the shot where I went didn't have back to front ambulance lettering.
00:59:19Yes, and as a result of that, you are now on exactly minus a thousand.
00:59:24Yes, you are.
00:59:25That's incredible.
00:59:26Absolutely remarkable.
00:59:27Incredible maths, but there we are.
00:59:28It doesn't matter, I'm going to claw something back here.
00:59:30The race to the hospital.
00:59:32Yeah, you are, because you came first.
00:59:34For that, you get ten points.
00:59:36Jeremy, you came second, so it's five points for you.
00:59:39Yes.
00:59:40And I came stone dead last, so I get no points on that particular one.
00:59:44Oh, now look, here we are. James is back to minus 990.
00:59:49Yeah, I know, right.
00:59:50He's catching up.
00:59:51Right, delivery systems.
00:59:52Now, mine, it didn't really work, did it?
00:59:55No, well, your door didn't work one time, and they fired a man through a window the second time, so that's definitely no.
01:00:00Yeah, yeah, that did happen.
01:00:02James, you didn't actually have a patient to deliver, so I'm afraid you get minus ten for that.
01:00:10Oh, no.
01:00:12We've all gone wrong.
01:00:14Yeah.
01:00:15Jeremy, yours did work.
01:00:16It did, so you get five points.
01:00:18Right.
01:00:19So, hang on a minute.
01:00:20Hang on, hang on, hang on.
01:00:21This is close.
01:00:22Not with you, obviously, James.
01:00:24But have a deny, I'm only now, I'm only three points behind you, and we arrive at this bit, okay?
01:00:31This is the condition of the patient when he arrived, or I say he, the she, whatever it was, arrived at the hospital.
01:00:37Yeah.
01:00:38So, here we go.
01:00:39James May.
01:00:40Yes.
01:00:41Your patient condition was?
01:00:43Missing.
01:00:44Yes.
01:00:45Presumed dead.
01:00:47Yeah.
01:00:48Yeah, dead.
01:00:49So he scored?
01:00:50Nought.
01:00:51Right, nought.
01:00:52The condition of Hammond's patient?
01:00:54Dead.
01:00:55Right, so he scores?
01:00:56Nought.
01:00:57And the condition of my patient?
01:01:00Yes.
01:01:01Your patient, Jeremy, was alive.
01:01:03And so I score?
01:01:06One.
01:01:07Do you mean one?
01:01:10It's nought for dead, one for alive.
01:01:13I was the only one of the three of us who got a patient to a hospital alive and that matters.
01:01:19Yes, and that's why you got that point.
01:01:21So you're saying that because I only get one point, that means I now lose to Rick you, even though your van was slow, expensive, its brakes caught fire every time he tried to slow down and it killed everybody who got into the back of it.
01:01:37Yep.
01:01:38And the only reason you won is because you happen to be good at putting a tube in a ladyboy's sausage.
01:01:43Yep.
01:01:44Which means that you, Richard Hammond, have single-handedly ruined the National Health Service.
01:01:50Yep.
01:01:51And on that bombshell, it's time to end.
01:01:55Thank you so much for watching.
01:01:56See you again next week.
01:01:57Good night.
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