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00:00Music

00:26Good gracious me!

00:30I

00:33Called this meeting of Dill Electronics to order

00:37We have a new man starting with us today a new man joining the tea

00:44He is from England, so let's be gentle with him

00:49His name is

00:54It's Jonathan

01:00So sorry, it's it's Jonathan

01:03Juliana

01:08Jonathan John Tawala

01:10Jammu and Kashmir I

01:13Don't know you English with your complete

01:20There's nothing complicated about it. It's only three syllables listen job

01:27No, no

01:29fun fun

01:31Jonathan

01:35You got a short version do not know it's Jonathan Jonathan

01:46Always saying is you're not in Jolly England anymore sipping tea and doing the Morrison dancing

01:52Why make everyone's life difficult by giving yourself a silly hard-to-pronounce foreign name, huh?

02:01Look

02:03All I'm saying is that my name's not Janufan or Jandalayan or Bunty

02:09Or anything like that

02:11It's Jonathan

02:13I mean, it's quite simple. It's quite straightforward

02:15It's just Jonathan

02:17Okay, yeah, have it your way

02:19You know it

02:21But I don't see you progressing very far in this firm with a name like that

02:25What do you mean by that?

02:27People might think you're a troublemaker if you insist on keeping your long-winded English name

02:31So everyone

02:33So everyone may I introduce

02:35May I introduce

02:37Um Joginda pal Shiva Rama Guru Patti Murti

02:47Thank you

02:49Why don't we skip dessert and get out of here

02:53Why? What have you got in mind?

02:55Nothing

02:57It's just that you're already quite fat, innit?

03:03Check, please

03:07What's the matter, Bitta? You seem troubled

03:09Well, we're Sikhs, right?

03:11Mm-hmm

03:12But what does that mean?

03:13To be a Sikh

03:15How do I fit into the hundreds of years of culture?

03:19How do I apply the teachings of Guru Nanak and the Guru Granth Sahib?

03:21Bitta Bitta Bitta, stop, calm down

03:23It's very simple

03:25Listen carefully, hm?

03:29You are a man, hm?

03:31You have a turban

03:33So you are Sikh man

03:37Is that it?

03:39What about metaphysics and ethics and philosophy?

03:41Bubinder!

03:43Yes, Dolly, what is it?

03:45He wants to know

03:47What it means to be a Sikh

03:49You told him?

03:50Man-pug-pug-man

03:51I told you

03:52What's more?

03:53More?

03:54Now you listen to me, boy

03:55You got pug

03:56You got man

03:57You put pug on man

03:58Sikh

04:02Isn't there anything more?

04:04What? Look

04:05You have cup

04:06You have saucer

04:07Put cup on saucer

04:08You have cup of tea

04:09Put pug on man

04:10You got sick

04:13Oh

04:14And that thing you do with your hands?

04:16Very bad

04:24Good evening and welcome to the Albert Hall

04:26Where we are privileged to be witnessing the first ever concert outside their native land

04:31Of the Calcutta Male Voice Choir

04:34The vocal techniques involved may sound strange to our ears, but they have evolved over thousands of years

04:41Ah, and the conductor has taken his position on the podium

04:45In a charming gesture I understand that the choir will be opening their program with their own unique version of Beethoven's fifth symphony

04:53Back over some years

04:54I don't know let me know how this is going to be

05:05已 performance

05:06Yep, nowこれ

05:07I took my time to go

05:08All over the world

05:09And my house is going to teammates

05:10I gotta be happy

05:11We need everything

05:12Errrrrr!

05:27This club is massive, man!

05:30MASSIVE!

05:31Yeah, man.

05:32And it is a fierce place to pick up the...

05:34RASMALOON!

05:36Yeah, man. Just want to meet Bindiya here, innit?

05:39Bindiya? What happened to Juggy, man?

05:41I thought we'd meet him in here, innit?

05:42No way, man.

05:43I ditched him.

05:44That Giza is no longer in our crew, man.

05:46Whoa!

05:47So, who's in our crew, man?

05:49We are cool!

05:51We are cool!

05:52But Juggy was our friend, man.

05:54Man, I've been thinking about our new image.

05:57And Juggy does not fit the picture, man.

05:59He is total bestie, man.

06:01Whereas we are cool.

06:02What new image, man?

06:06Man, I've been listening to that new Brit pop leader.

06:09Tony Blair.

06:10Oh, yeah.

06:11He changed his image, man.

06:13Now he's top of the pops, innit?

06:15Oh, I know him, man.

06:16He's got some wicked, wicked, wicked wife.

06:18Yeah, man.

06:19But that's what we've got to do, man.

06:21We've got to redefine ourselves

06:23in order to attract the middle-ground...

06:25RASMALOON!

06:27...who previously did not trust our policies, innit?

06:29Oh, but it's tough on Juggy, innit?

06:34Well, that is the new us, man.

06:36Tough on Juggy!

06:37Whoa!

06:38Tough on the causes of Juggy, man!

06:40Whoa!

06:41Whoa!

06:42Yeah, yeah.

06:43But hang on, hang on, hang on.

06:44It sounds like we're abandoning our traditional values, man.

06:47What?

06:48You mean sitting in your bedroom with a bag of mixed pakoras

06:50listening to your one CD?

06:52Yeah.

06:53Well, you can keep those traditional values, man.

06:56Bunga muffins deserve better.

06:59I'm telling you, man, with our new image, right,

07:01the women will be all over us, man.

07:03We'll be up to our necks in a Rasmalloi landslide

07:05and we'll experience a major swing to the left.

07:09This sounds dangerous, man. Dangerous!

07:12That's right, man.

07:13New muffins, new danger.

07:15Oh, look, there's Bindia, man.

07:17Check out the new image in action.

07:22Bindia.

07:23Bindia.

07:24Bindia.

07:26Whoa!

07:27Juggy!

07:32Juggy!

07:36It's back to my place, innit?

07:37Yeah, man.

07:38Pick up some mixed pakoras on the way, innit?

07:40I think it's just so great that you're a doctor.

07:52Oh.

07:53Because I've got this rash, see?

07:55Hindu's.

07:56She's a little colleague.

07:57It's the other thing.

07:58worksheet here,

07:59you see?

08:00No, no.

08:01No, no.

08:02I'm a critic.

08:03It's the other thing.

08:04I'm a critic.

08:05I'm a critic, fool.

08:06Hello?

08:07I'm a critic!

08:08I'm a critic, fool.

08:09I'm a critic.

08:10I'm a critic.

08:11Bye, buddy!

08:12What's the matter, son?

08:13You look worried.

08:14correct and hinduism goes back thousands and thousands of years right it stems from one of

08:21the earliest civilizations on earth right its religious texts are some of the most remarkable

08:27and complex discussions of the human condition known to man right right what does it mean i'm a

08:35hindu what does it really mean ah my son you're indeed right it is a very complex and intricate

08:43religion there are many gods there are many texts but they all point to one universal principle

08:51no beef you see the non-believer will say cheeseburger the believer will say no thanks

08:57but that bourguignon no mercy before ripe and onions not bloody likely but surely

09:02i'll tell you another thing that thing you do with your hands it's very bad

09:13yeah

09:18yo pussycats yeah it's me smitha smitten showbiz kitten cloying away through the showbiz

09:25literature to find you hot chunks of fresh steamy gossip to chew over in the comfort of your own

09:31living room right there my little pussycats guess who's been invited to the fabulous new premiere of

09:37the latest hollywood blockbuster guess me that's right everyone who's anyone who's going to be there

09:44you know brad kevin keanu brad and anyone who's not anyone will just have to watch me as i mingle with

09:53all the top cats we're here it's your time pussycats we open at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning

10:05oh

10:10oh look there's the gorgeous art malik

10:19hey moviegoers after tonight's feature why not take your taste buds on a culinary journey

10:24we offer you the authentic taste of england right here in india let our english chef delight you with

10:29his traditionally prepared dishes including potatoes chicken and also bees all add baton's english

10:37restaurant 222 by its loyal place just around the corner from this cinema

10:48bombay is the restaurant capital of india so how come every friday night we end up here

10:53because that's what you do you go out you get tanked up on less season you go for an english

11:00i mean it wouldn't be a friday night if we didn't go for an english anyway i love english

11:05ah get off you just fancy the waiters in it

11:13all right mate

11:14we're ready to order now

11:22i think sir is feeling unwell no don't worry about him he's fine he's all right he's never sick

11:28yeah what's your problem sunny huh we come here every week i spend lots of money yeah you should be

11:32grateful you should be grateful shut up i believe it he's all right he's where do you know he's a mate

11:37i say james you're my mate aren't you james james is my mate you know it's james james yeah that's what

11:47i said damn it hey hasn't he got lovely pale skin here it's really nice and pasty though yeah but

11:53you know what they say about white men don't you all right what are we having now okay jams all right

12:01first up we'll have 10 12 bread rolls and bring some of that fancy stuff um butter oh butter yeah

12:16okay main course what's everyone having here what's the blandest thing on the menu

12:23stampy is particularly i love that and bring a fork and knife

12:27yeah listen listen listen i'm going to have the same as him no except i'm also going to have

12:35prawn cocktail

12:40gammon steak please

12:45jams tell you what give him the gammon steak huh but leave off all your crap and none of your peach

12:50halves and the pineapple rings not in his condition you know what i mean i'll have the gammon steak as

12:54well but crap on the side okay um could i just have the chicken curry please oh god come on it's

13:04an english restaurant yeah you've got to have something english no spicy chices but you know

13:09i don't like anything too bland yeah yeah have something a little bland huh hey jmas what have you

13:15got that is not totally tasteless uh the steak and kidney pie is only a little bit there you go nina

13:22steak and kidney pee oh yeah box me right up i won't go to the toilet for a week nina that's the

13:31point of going for an english no ameera what are you going to have oh well i can't decide between the

13:36steak and kidney pee and the cod morning well i'll tell you what you have the cod i'll have the pee and

13:42we can mix and match okay actually i think that is the way you're supposed to eat this sort of food

13:46right we'll have two scampies two gammon steaks one with the crap on the side one cod morning

13:55steak and kiddly pee and uh chips 24 plates of chips you might have ordered too much sir what

14:05hey clive of india who bloody asked you so you must all be models right what makes you say that

14:24well because you're all pretty thick in it

14:26good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to this first symposium on the higher consciousness

14:46transcendental tantric karmic this thing

14:49tonight's lecture will be delivered by his most serene calmness the guru maharishi yogi

15:01which is me hello

15:06how many people in the west think that in my country india because of our religions

15:13because of our histories because of i don't know what somehow we are more in tune with our

15:19spirituality more at one with the forces of nature well we are so well done all those people who said that

15:30now one of the ways in which we gurus like to express our spirituality

15:35is in the form of ancient sanskrit rags

15:38now these are very similar to your christian hymns but they're more catchy tunes with more chapa

15:52now tonight's recitation will be the story of the demon and the mongoose

15:57which tells of the moral dilemma faced by a young man who's committed a terrible crime

16:01i will translate from the original sanskrit as we go along

16:16unable to face his friends the man is telling his mother of his crime

16:20ravi swatham

16:27brushed latrine ajatam

16:34now it seems what has happened

16:37is that he has shot a man in the head from a very close place

16:40the text does not specify the make or caliber of the type of pistol

16:47but i would interpret that it is a small gun possibly a 0.22 or a saturday night special

16:53now for the first time the text quotes the actual words spoken by the troubled man to his mother

17:00a batman in gotham

17:16now translate it this is meaning

17:20mama

17:22i've just killed a man

17:25put a gun against his head put my trigger now he's dead

17:28mama his life had only just begun but now i've gone and blown it all away

17:44my darling this is goodbye unless don't say it my darling don't say it don't utter another word

18:00you could still change your mind you know no my heart it was never meant to be

18:03just a brief sojourn of romance summer cottage

18:09guarantee

18:14fancy cup of tea

18:15no no thank you please come with me darling

18:20we could live elsewhere where we wouldn't be dogged by scandal or parlor made gossip

18:25i've got biscuit

18:25no no i told you

18:26no i told you

18:31why darling why why oh how can i explain it to you my love i have

18:36responsibilities you and i my sweet there is no one else

18:42do you mind awfully how many gold guppy you want we didn't want any oh go on don't change your mind

18:53we didn't want any in the first place well you stopped me you were shouting in my ear

18:58so look here's a 20 now shove off all right mate i've got more dignity as well you know

19:13wretched man has gone now what is it that you could never do oh what's the use my heart

19:19allow me to bear my sorrows alone whilst you move on like a tropical bird to sunnier climes

19:25no novelty trumpets a balloon that makes a rude yet entertaining sound behold

19:36i'll tell you i'm losing my mind how about a mini doll key

19:42and as for a blind man i must go leave me to my memories i am old and have no limbs darling you

19:50if you have your limbs old man you're walking and carrying a stick well how should i know

19:55i'm blind i can't see them

20:03darling you haven't told me why

20:05get them

20:07ready for a cup of now

20:14darling my train is this your carriage yes i'm up on the roof

20:19i'll give you a leg up

20:34goodbye my darling

20:35you look like you could do with a cup of tea madame

20:52You look like you could do with a cup of tea, madam.

21:01Dad?

21:02Yes?

21:03You know we're Muslims, right?

21:12Yes?

21:13Just checking.

21:14And I know that thing you do with your hands is really bad.

21:17It is?

21:19Oh.

21:20Oh.

21:21Hello.

21:22Hello.

21:23I'm so glad you could make it happen.

21:24Come on in.

21:25I'm sorry we're late.

21:26Got held up at the golf course.

21:27What is your handicap these days?

21:28Still pudding, I'm afraid.

21:29Oh.

21:30Oh.

21:31Oh.

21:32Echelente.

21:33Oh.

21:34Echelente.

21:35Echelente.

21:36Echelente.

21:37Echelente.

21:38Echelente.

21:39Echelente.

21:40Echelente.

21:41Echelente.

21:42Echelente.

21:43Echelente.

21:45Echelente.

21:46Echelente.

21:47Echelente.

21:48Echelente.

21:50Echelente.

21:52Echelente.

21:53And this must be your wife, Veena?

21:55Baraj.

21:56Echelente.

21:57Actually, I prefer to be called Vanessa.

21:59Vanessa, of course.

22:01You is telling me you have such a lovely wife, Sarjitha.

22:03Still got your charm, you silver-tongued devil.

22:08Revol?

22:10Incidentally, not Surjit.

22:12No.

22:14It's Sinjan.

22:16At last I get to meet the lovely Mrs Kapoor.

22:18Pronounced Cooper.

22:20Cooper.

22:22Of course.

22:24Well, Shashi, Dinesh has told me so much about you.

22:26Actually, it's Charlotte.

22:28Dennis.

22:32Please do pursue me through into the parlor.

22:36What a lovely home you have.

22:40Well, an English man's home is his castle, Dennis.

22:44I know that.

22:48So, what can I get you both to drink?

22:50Oh, I'd love a gin and tonic.

22:52Me too.

22:54Sinjan, is that Indian tonic water?

22:58Yes, it is.

23:00You better make it two scotches and a soda.

23:04Yes.

23:06Been following the cricket?

23:08Oh, shocking.

23:10We haven't been playing too well at all.

23:12Well, you know the cricketing world looks upon us as a developing nation.

23:16Of course they do.

23:18But the Indians have been playing very well.

23:24Well, we wouldn't know about the Indian team.

23:28Anyway, I am more of a rugger man myself.

23:32Give me an oval ball any day.

23:38Why?

23:42To play rugger with.

23:44I knew that.

23:46So, Vanessa, I hear you're something of a whiz in the kitchen.

23:52Is that one of your famous, um, curries I smell cooking?

23:56No, it's roast lamb, roast potatoes, roast vegetables and roast gravy, actually.

24:00Well, traditional food.

24:04So, how's that son of yours doing?

24:06Subhash, isn't it?

24:07Sebastian.

24:08He's spending some time abroad.

24:11He's taken a year off to go to India.

24:14Oh.

24:17Good God.

24:18Why India, of all places?

24:20Apparently he's gone to find his roots.

24:22You know what these crazy youngsters are like.

24:25He says we've lost our cultural identity living here in Chiguel.

24:29That's fish or twaddle.

24:35Thank you, brother.

24:36Oh, my God.

24:43It's, um, it's a brick.

24:45There's a message tied to it.

24:47What does it say?

24:48Um, it says, Packies go home.

24:52Oh, cool.

24:53I do, I do, I do.

24:54I do, I do.

24:55I do, I do.

25:03Hey, you like seafood, am I right?

25:06Yes.

25:07I can tell it as soon as I picked you up.

25:10How?

25:11Because you smell of fish, innit?

25:18Check, please.

25:20Cuss in a corner, leave out the drama.

25:30Just stay, concentrate, work on your karma.

25:32Don't pity moot to all the people who tell you what you are, what you can and cannot do.

25:36If your auntie says, can't he?

25:38Hurry up and settle, that makes money.

25:40And your uncle says, do your studies.

25:42We say, uncle, kiss my Chinese.

25:48We don't get vexed by old buddies hex.

25:50We got nothing against the opposite sex.

25:52So we try to, and we fail to.

25:53Flirt with a skirt, they kick us where it hurts.

25:55But we don't care, cos we're a right pair.

25:57We're a street, we're safe, and we don't scare.

25:59And even though we do stand back, we just say, kiss my Chinese.

26:04Yeah.

26:08Work the way, work the way, work the way.

26:09Don't worry, don't worry.

26:10Don't worry, don't worry, don't worry.

26:11Unless it's a she and she's a fun Barbie.

26:13Walk like a Punjabi.

26:19It's a terrible scale, need to change.

26:21Start right here, my pants are constrained.

26:23I'm no calm smith for tell her to sing.

26:25Don't want to spend my life being disty.

26:31That isn't a hot, don't be tasty.

26:32Just chill, chill, think that you're tasty.

26:34But if you get a girl who's not tasty,

26:36she'll diss you good and that's double fisty.

26:38My fins in the house, look at your doors.

26:40Fits two pounds, just like we all done.

26:42That's your funky teezers.

26:43We'll take your biscuits.

26:44Don't leave the reasons.

26:45Try and I'm wicked.

26:50Mixed for quarters, babes gagging for us.

26:52Test and tosterone more than the quarters.

26:54Plus my life, act all shy.

26:56Tax your cash and then say,

26:57find a mechanism.

26:58Just tease them.

26:59Unless you're really brave, don't seize them.

27:01And if they look like Teletubby,

27:03just say, hey, who gives my chance?

27:09Overachieving, deep, heavy breathing.

27:11We think taking is better than receiving.

27:13Cool like the cat.

27:14Check out the act.

27:15A spoonful of goodness in a bucket full of tack.

27:17And we don't drink.

27:18And we don't smoke.

27:19If we do, we get a cup of tea from the old folk.

27:21And we don't have a cup of tea.

27:23You just might kiss my chuddies.

27:25Hello?

27:26Hello.

27:27I'd like to talk to you about Krishna.

27:28Oh, yes.

27:29Have you ever thought of becoming a Hindu?

27:30Well, actually, it's something I've always wanted to do.

27:31Well, you can't.

27:32Sorry.

27:33Have a nice day.

27:34Have a nice day.

27:35Goodness gracious me.

27:37Thank we.

27:38Where are we going on?

27:39Thank you, Victoria.

27:40Yep.

27:41Thanks.

27:42woman.

27:43Right.

27:44Hello.

27:45Hello?

27:46Hello.

27:47Can I talk to you about Krishna?

27:48Hello, hello.

27:49Can I talk to you about Krishna?

27:50Oh, yes.

27:51Have you ever thought of becoming a Hindu?

27:52Actually, it's something I've always wanted to do.

27:55Well, you can't.

27:56Sorry.

27:58Goodness gracious me.

Goodness Gracious Me - 101 [couchtripper][U]

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Goodness Gracious Me - upscaled

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