- 9 hours ago
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00:08I always said that, I always said that we would meet later, because, because, because
00:13I was supposed to be meeting with Matt and a couple of others from work, but, yes I did.
00:18I have spoken to my neighbours about it, they've been very uncooperative.
00:23I know, I spoke to Environmental Services and they told me to speak to you.
00:28I love that album as well, we've got a lot in common, you and I, so, yeah, listen, if you
00:36don't, sorry, hello, yeah, hi, I know that, yeah, but it's all arranged, I've, fuck, nothing,
00:47no, I told you about it days ago, I'm sure I did, yeah, well I thought I did, so, is
00:52it
00:52quarter past now?
00:53Alright, listen, I've got to go, so I'm sorry, but I thought it, alright, okay, bye.
01:01I did ask you to write up those figures a week ago.
01:04Yeah, I, there was, um, a couple of things I had to check.
01:08Why didn't you check them before?
01:11Sarah, if I may.
01:12Ashley.
01:13I've, um, I've got the figures for that department as well, wasn't any further trouble really,
01:18seeing as the programme I've put in can run any analysis you want, so, if it would save
01:22the time.
01:23Thank you, Ashley.
01:24Okay, January to March, we have an increase of...
01:34Hello?
01:36Hello?
01:37Oh, hold on, hold on, what are you so angry about?
01:41I had to turn it off, I was in a bloody meeting.
01:44Yes, I'm, I'm just off to, uh, meet the others, so, I won't be very long.
01:50Alright, I don't know, John said something about a film, so, uh...
01:53I didn't want the cops to know, of course I was gonna tell you.
01:57See, I think after all I'd done for you, this, uh, this whole situation can only be described
02:04as ingratitude.
02:05Well, I'll make it up, I'll pay you back.
02:07Too late for apologies.
02:10See, there never was no three million.
02:13The whole thing was just a test.
02:15I didn't know it was a test.
02:17You didn't know it was a test, it wouldn't have been a test.
02:19You know, it's a test that alters the results.
02:22Ain't you never heard of the uncertainty principle?
02:24I, I, I don't know what it means.
02:26It means, pal, that by the time you know you're being tested, you're already dead.
02:29You really do better in life with some knowledge of basic physics.
02:32You know about, uh, the velocity of sound?
02:35No.
02:37See, I blame the schools.
02:40Okay, over there, 50 yards across the street, there's a man with a powerful rifle aimed at your...
02:47But, because of the relatively slow speed of sound, you ain't never gonna hear the bang,
02:53because the bullet will have already arrived in your brain.
02:57Really?
02:58Whereas, if I use this, from six feet, you get the full audio-visual experience.
03:07Now, which do you prefer?
03:15But it does glamorise violence.
03:17I don't agree.
03:18I don't agree.
03:19I don't agree.
03:19The guy gets his head blown off and the audience cheered.
03:22That's because they know it isn't real.
03:24They know it's a film.
03:25I don't believe it.
03:25No, I think they just suspend their disbelief.
03:28Yeah, but they still know subconsciously.
03:30What?
03:30They know subconsciously it's a film.
03:32Sorry, hold on a minute.
03:33I want the professor here to expand on that last point.
03:36You mean talk out of his arse even more?
03:37I'm really conscious.
03:38What I'm saying is the audience wouldn't cheer if somebody really got their head blown off.
03:42Not unless you were sick.
03:43I mean, a really sick weirdo.
03:46It's a kind place where I'm a corner.
03:47I mean, it must be at least one person whose head you'd like to blow off.
03:51No.
03:51Well, maybe Ashley at work.
03:54How do they do that?
03:55You know, when someone gets their head blown off.
03:57A lot of special effects, isn't it?
03:58Probably a company in Hollywood that specialises in that one thing.
04:01Guts on the Wall, Incorporated.
04:03Private Ryan.
04:04That's right.
04:04Special effects busy there.
04:06The rather weird thing about that film is, in the end, Tom X dies.
04:09Although subconsciously, Matt, he doesn't mean that.
04:12Yeah, yeah, yeah.
04:13All I'm saying is, in life, violence doesn't solve a thing.
04:16What about the Second World War?
04:17What about the Second World War?
04:18Didn't solve anything, did it?
04:20Huh?
04:20It gave us the Vietnam War.
04:21It gave us the Cold War.
04:23The development of the atom bomb.
04:25The common market.
04:26It sort of the Germans out there.
04:27No, it didn't.
04:28No, within 25 years, they're driving around in Audis and BMWs, and we've got Power Cuts and
04:34the Austin Allegro.
04:34Bear Carver, hungry.
04:36Oh, stop.
04:36Yeah, listen, hold on.
04:37I'm not going to go and eat.
04:38I'd better get back, Tom.
04:39Oh, come on.
04:40No, look, it's 11 o'clock.
04:41I told Laura I'd be back.
04:42Too late for apologies.
04:44Yeah, plus, you can't have a blazing around on an edgy stomach, can you?
04:47Let's have a starter.
04:47A pop-a-dop.
04:48Mmm.
04:49Smell that chicken tikka masala, eh?
04:53She's not going to be happy for the table for fair, I think.
05:01Hi, it's me.
05:02Just on my way now.
05:04Wait a minute.
05:05No, I'm just at Waterloo now, actually.
05:08So, yeah, I can see there's a train in six minutes in the Ketterborg.
05:15Sorry, no, I turned it off at the cinema.
05:17Of course, turn it on again.
05:18No, I'm not.
05:20No, it's all right.
05:21Let me, let me, let me, shit.
05:24It seems you created your own illusion, fueled by an image of me.
05:32Well, I couldn't stand your sight, let me die.
05:37I'm just going to see you.
06:01Wait, wait!
06:12Are you all right?
06:16Yeah, I think so.
06:17Yeah?
06:17Yeah.
06:18Listen, you should probably get up to the street.
06:21Okay.
06:22Yeah?
06:23Okay.
06:27Listen, you should phone the police.
06:29He got my phone.
06:30I can do it.
06:31No, it's all right.
06:33I'll do it.
06:34I just want to get out of here.
06:35You sure?
06:36Yeah.
06:36You sure?
06:37Yeah, I...
06:38Sorry, I think I'm probably in shock or something.
06:44That's good.
06:45Have you got any money?
06:48No money.
06:49Cards.
06:51No Rolex.
06:53Hey, you've got to empty feeders when you need them, eh?
06:55I've got 20 pounds.
06:56Take that.
06:56That's, um...
06:57Are you sure?
06:58Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on, yeah, but phone the police, all right?
07:00And get yourself back to...
07:02I'm in on the park first.
07:03In on the park?
07:04Oh, well, well, thank you.
07:06Um...
07:06Sorry.
07:08Listen, uh, thank you.
07:11So, uh, Alan.
07:12Alan Axby.
07:13No, I'd better go.
07:14I've got to get a last train.
07:15He's croyed in about, um, 30 seconds.
07:18So, uh...
07:19I won't forget this.
07:21Oh, I didn't do anything.
07:22I just scared him off.
07:25The guy had a knife.
07:27Well, it just goes to show, eh?
07:28Like, violence never told anything.
07:33Sorry.
07:36Sorry.
08:02Alan Axby.
08:05Yes.
08:06May I come in?
08:08Are you from the...
08:09gas people?
08:10No, Alan, I'm not from the gas people.
08:12I'm from some other people.
08:14May I come in?
08:15Well, look, I don't just invite, uh, any...
08:17Any...
08:21Do you have any ID?
08:22I'm Nick.
08:23Good to meet you.
08:26Well, I want a lovely house.
08:28Very nice.
08:29Very nice.
08:30I myself envy those skilled in the art of the self-assembly flat pack.
08:35Me, I like the dexterity.
08:37Fortunately, I inherited most of my furniture from a great uncle who died suddenly.
08:44I'm sorry.
08:47Sorry, uh, I...
08:49What do you want?
08:50Straight to the point.
08:51Cut to the chase.
08:52Good.
08:52I like that.
08:54Alan, you're wasted in retail management.
08:57You've got character, which, correct me if I'm wrong, can be a drawback in retail management.
09:03You should move on.
09:05You should also get dressed.
09:07I overslept.
09:09Just, uh, missed my last train last night, and, uh, I'm going until 3.30.
09:14I'm not going to do you any harm.
09:17And I can assure you I don't say that to everyone.
09:20Yeah.
09:22I'll just, uh, get dressed.
09:23Sometimes my job can be less than savory.
09:28I get to meet the scumbags, backsliders, freeloaders, jerk-offs, assholes.
09:35People who try to cheat my employer, steal, lie, and generally behave in ways not calculated to ensure a long
09:43and pleasant life.
09:44Do you know where I'm coming from?
09:46I do, yes.
09:46Do you?
09:47Really?
09:50However, in your case, I'm delighted to inform you that my task is a very pleasant one.
09:56My employer is extremely pleased with you.
10:00Me?
10:01He wishes to pay you respect and honor.
10:05Right, yeah.
10:06You sure you've got the right address?
10:07Oh, come on.
10:08Don't feign this bemusement, Alan.
10:10Surely even in the midst of the urban jungle that is...
10:13Where are we?
10:14South Croydon.
10:15Oh, well, sort of bordering, so I understand.
10:17Even in the midst of the urban jungle that is South Croydon, you can't be such a hero all the
10:22time.
10:23Come on.
10:24Cease thy blushing modesty.
10:27Come on.
10:28What?
10:29You know, come on.
10:33What?
10:34I have direct instructions from my employer.
10:37He wishes me to do this.
10:41From him.
10:46Alan, last night you intervened in a very perilous situation.
10:50Saving possibly the life and certainly the honor of a young lady.
10:54Do you know who the young lady is?
10:58Yeah, no, I didn't, uh, didn't ask her name.
11:01No, of course you didn't.
11:03Would Robin Hood have asked her name?
11:05Would D'Artagnan?
11:07Would, uh, Batman?
11:09No, a real hero doesn't.
11:11He rescues the damsel, gets straight back in the Batmobile and disappears in a cloud of mystery down the A
11:16-23.
11:17But!
11:19I found you in the phone book, Bruce Wayne.
11:24My employer's eldest daughter.
11:27And the apple of his eye.
11:30But headstrong.
11:32Willful.
11:33Yeah, I know, I see.
11:34She wanted to travel.
11:36See Europe.
11:37Visit Italy, her family home.
11:40Sicily.
11:41Most of it, yes.
11:43But particularly, she wanted to see London.
11:46Cool Britannia.
11:47Look how it repays her.
11:50Yeah, no, I feel ashamed.
11:52Yeah, well, don't be.
11:53Could have happened anywhere.
11:55Except Sicily, of course.
11:57New York.
11:58Yeah, your, um, employer, well, is he going to, um...
12:03He will affect restitution in a style befitting his position.
12:06That needn't concern you.
12:08You rescued the daughter of a very influential mayor.
12:12That's why she didn't want me to phone the police.
12:15I can't answer that.
12:17Officially, I don't exist.
12:19My organization doesn't exist.
12:22Except, of course, everyone knows that we do.
12:29But...
12:31I want you to think of me
12:33as your fairy godfather.
12:36I'm here to grant you three wishes.
12:39Three wishes?
12:41Well, favors.
12:42Wishes sounds good.
12:44Good enough for the genie of the lamp's good enough for me.
12:47I like tradition.
12:49We all do.
12:51All.
12:53My employer is a very powerful man,
12:56and he can grant you anything you want.
12:59Do you have a cup of coffee?
13:02Um...
13:03So, hey, are you a, uh...
13:05Are you a made guy?
13:06I beg your pardon?
13:07A made guy?
13:08You know, did you waste enough snitches
13:11and whack enough people who ran at you out to get made?
13:14You spend too much time at Blockbuster.
13:17Don't you have any real coffee?
13:18No, any instant.
13:19I'll pass on the coffee.
13:21Listen, I ain't allowed to offer you any advice,
13:23but you might like to use one of your wishes
13:24on a nice espresso cappuccino machine, you know?
13:27Your priorities are all wrong, Alan.
13:29You want to spend a little time on your priorities.
13:32Well, I prefer instant.
13:34Besides, I'm very busy.
13:35I haven't got time to froth milk
13:37and grind coffee beans everywhere.
13:39Nobody has time for anything anymore.
13:40You want to make time, Alan.
13:41You want to make time and look around you.
13:43I'm too busy.
13:45Oh, important things to do, huh?
13:47Yeah.
13:47Sure.
13:48There's this bloke at work.
13:51I can't stand him.
13:51If I slip up for one minute, he'll be in there.
13:54Well, such is life, Alan.
13:55Yeah.
13:57So what's your first wish?
13:58And remember, use your imagination.
14:02I'm giving you a chance you'll never get again.
14:05Anything I want.
14:06Anything in my powder ground.
14:10Okay, all right.
14:11Things that bug me.
14:16Get rid of next door's tree.
14:19Excuse me?
14:20Do I look like a landscape gardener?
14:22Do I carry the air as someone who looks good with a shrug?
14:25I want that tree whacked and whacked good.
14:29Loose the tree.
14:31May I ask what that tree has done to deserve this?
14:34It's not the tree.
14:35It's my bloody neighbours.
14:40The tree's just a pasty.
14:42A patsy.
14:43The tree's a patsy.
14:45A pasty's a snack from Cornwall.
14:47Meat and vegetables in a pastry case.
14:50How do you know that?
14:52Italians know about food.
14:53A real man knows how to cook.
14:56Just like in Goodfellas.
14:57I don't know about it.
14:58Never seen that movie.
14:59Haven't seen it.
15:00No, no, I don't like that kind of movie.
15:02You watch films about work?
15:04They don't make movies about my work.
15:06You know, there's a bit of a shortage in classic retail management drama.
15:11Scorsese never really got fired up about that one.
15:13Well, I don't like Scorsese.
15:14I don't like gangster movies.
15:15Too much violence.
15:16Oh, hey, it's a violent world.
15:17I found that out last night.
15:20Yes.
15:21Yes, you did.
15:22And I'm here to reward you for that.
15:25I'm offering you the full resources of my employer's organisation
15:29to grant you anything you wish.
15:30Now, are you sure that this is what you want?
15:33Look at it.
15:35Completely blocks out the light.
15:43Hmm.
15:45Well, that would reduce the appeal of your yard as a barbecue venue.
15:49They've done it deliberately.
15:51It's like the land eye.
15:52It's quite malicious.
15:54They don't like me.
15:57They show me no respect.
16:00Well, it's a message that says, hey, we don't like your garden.
16:04I don't know why.
16:05You know, there's got a hydrangea there my mum gave me.
16:08I think it's still alive.
16:09There's some roses.
16:09Do I notice a motorcycle?
16:11Oh, yes, that's mine.
16:14Engine maintenance.
16:15Admirable skill to possess.
16:16I stripped it down.
16:17Oh.
16:19I haven't quite had time to put it back together yet.
16:21Yeah?
16:21When did you strip it down?
16:22About three years ago.
16:24Well, best to do the job properly.
16:26No point in rushing.
16:27Hmm.
16:27Plus, additionally, I don't have the time.
16:30I don't have the time.
16:39Blah, blah, blah.
16:40It's easier to keep it to a simple matter of respect.
16:44Code of honor.
16:44Hey, it's the best we got.
16:48You know, when you die and you go to heaven,
16:51Sir Peter asks what you did.
16:53What he's really asking is,
16:54did you show God's creation enough respect?
16:59I'll tell you what.
17:00I would love a new motorbike.
17:02You got a motorbike.
17:03What you want is a set of spanners and a free weekend.
17:06No, no, no, no.
17:07I want a proper motorbike.
17:08The Harley.
17:09Big one.
17:10Two motorbikes.
17:11With Croydon's impressive public transport infrastructure.
17:16Come on, Alan.
17:18Stretch your imagination.
17:20Think.
17:21Really carefully.
17:23I'm thinking.
17:27He seems to be thinking.
17:30Can't say in what sense, of course,
17:31but certainly his brain is active.
17:36Are you Laura?
17:37Laura?
17:38Yes.
17:38What happened?
17:39He seems to have been in some sort of a fight.
17:41We don't know precisely what happened,
17:44but he's been badly hurt.
17:46A blow to the head,
17:47multiple stab wounds,
17:49and a lot of blood loss.
17:52Has he said anything?
17:53Nothing.
17:54He was unconscious when he arrived.
17:57He has brain activity,
17:59but we can't say...
18:02Can't say what?
18:04Can't say if he'll make it or not.
18:09Can I talk to him?
18:10Yes, of course.
18:15Hello, Alan.
18:17Who was there?
18:18It's Laura.
18:19My girlfriend.
18:20Say nothing.
18:22No one else is to know I'm here.
18:24Alan, are you all right?
18:26No, look, I've got to talk to a silly argument.
18:32Absolutely not.
18:34Can you hear me?
18:36Vital signs are low,
18:38but his brain activity is strangely normal.
18:41Is that a good sign?
18:42What does that mean?
18:48Laura.
18:49Hi.
18:50Hi.
18:51Jesus.
18:52He only left us a couple of hours ago.
18:56Do you know what happened?
18:57No.
18:58I didn't know anything about it.
19:00The police just checked the last few numbers in his mobile.
19:04And is he...
19:05I don't know.
19:07His brain activity is curious.
19:09Could be that he's in some sort of dream state.
19:14Why can't I speak to Laura?
19:15My instructions are very specific.
19:18No one but to know that I'm here.
19:24Okay.
19:27Actually, do you know what?
19:28That could be a help.
19:29How so?
19:31Well, I...
19:32There's, um...
19:34Okay, look, you'll understand.
19:35There's this other woman.
19:36Um, this girl at work.
19:38So, you stayed out last night deliberately.
19:41He was avoiding confrontation.
19:44Secretly, you'd rather be with this other woman.
19:47You see, you people, you...
19:48You do all this therapy.
19:50You know, just psychology.
19:52You know, you know about that stuff, yes.
19:54Hey, come on.
19:55We're man to man here.
19:57Anything at all.
19:59Anything.
20:02All right, well, first of all, there's this, um, guy at work, Ashley.
20:07Ashley?
20:07Yeah, real arse-licking type.
20:09Yeah, well, you'd have an objective view.
20:11He hasn't been there as long as I have, okay?
20:13And I'm sure they're about to promote him.
20:15You're earnest to the psyche of any young man.
20:17Well, you'd know about that, right?
20:19Anyway, I want him...
20:21You know, what's the phrase?
20:23Taken care of?
20:24Yes, taken care of.
20:25I want him taken care of, okay?
20:28And do it, like, so he really knows who he's dealing with.
20:30There you are, you see?
20:32I'm offering you facilities here.
20:34Expertise.
20:35Now you're getting it.
20:37Okay, anything else?
20:40You've got one last wish.
20:43All right, well, um...
20:44Come on, anything at all.
20:50Well, I really would like to get it together with this girl at work.
20:54Melissa, her name is.
20:56Except I think she's got a boyfriend.
20:58I don't know anything about him.
20:59His name's Danny, and I think he lives in Balaam or something.
21:02Danny?
21:02Yeah.
21:04So, come on.
21:06What are you going to do with Danny, huh?
21:08Tie him up?
21:09Throw him in a boot with a Lexus?
21:10Oh, no cars.
21:12You know what modern forensic science can do.
21:15But you throw the car in the river, right?
21:17Back home, sure.
21:19Over here, the rivers are so goddamn small.
21:22Try and dump a car in your average British river,
21:25they find it, low tide,
21:26with a couple of fucking swans building a nest in the back.
21:28Pardon my French.
21:30Sure.
21:30Sure.
21:32So, the three wishes.
21:35Deal with Danny so you can ditch this Laura.
21:39Take care of the guy who's bugging you with the office.
21:42And, uh...
21:43Oh, yes.
21:44The tree.
21:46Those are the three things that make your life more satisfactory.
21:50Yes.
21:52Okay.
21:54Okay.
21:54Okay.
21:56What do I do?
21:59Zip, pal.
22:10Well done, Ashley.
22:11You deserve it.
22:13Thank you, Sarah.
22:30Hey, Kate.
22:31It's Melissa.
22:32Look, I'm going to be a bit late.
22:34I don't know where Danny is.
22:36Oh, it's not like him.
22:37I'm sure I'll be here soon.
22:41Apparently, the Lyft Maintenance Company was on Watchdog two months ago.
22:44I hear the Northern Line is not running normally.
22:47Well, that's not saying much.
22:48Yes!
22:50Ashley has left the building.
22:53Nobody messes with me and gets away with it, huh?
22:56Yeah, and you know they say the violence never solves anything.
22:59They're lying.
23:01Alan.
23:02Sit down, will you please?
23:04Yeah, why?
23:04Just a final formality.
23:09Alan.
23:12There's no easy way to say this.
23:17Everything since last Friday never happened.
23:19Oh, you did indeed rescue an American tourist from a mug around about midnight, but in the
23:25process you sustained injuries which left you in a coma.
23:29Your life is now out of your hands.
23:32You go when they switch you off.
23:35Shut up.
23:36What's the waste?
23:37Rubbish.
23:38It's true.
23:40Laura and your best buddy Matt are already at the bedside.
23:45Your parents are on their way over from Bristol.
23:53Who are you?
23:55Like I said, my name is immaterial.
23:57I've had many through the ages.
24:00I come in different forms, you see.
24:03Generally corresponding to the state of mind the prison's in at the time.
24:06Of what?
24:09Time of death, of course.
24:11Or in your case, near death.
24:13Which has a set procedure which we have to follow.
24:15Sometimes we call that a tie break.
24:18It's our little joke.
24:20What's a little joke?
24:21What are you talking about?
24:25You said to call you my fairy godfather.
24:28You gave me three wishes.
24:31The three wishes never existed.
24:34It was just a test.
24:38How could I know it was a test?
24:40You knew it was a test.
24:41It wouldn't have been a test.
24:44You never heard of the uncertainty principle?
24:47Yes, yeah, I've heard of it.
24:48Good.
24:49But I don't know what it means.
24:50Yes, you do.
24:51Come on, you remember.
24:59It means...
25:00It means by the time you know you've been tested, you're...
25:03You're already dead.
25:05Exactly.
25:08You see, if you knew it was a test, you'd adjust your answers accordingly.
25:12We can't let you do that because, you see, we need those three wishes to correctly assign
25:17you in the afterlife.
25:23No, no, no.
25:24I don't believe in life after death.
25:26Oh, don't you?
25:28Well, you've got time to change your mind, but not much time.
25:32You see, you're kind of in the remedial zone, result-wise.
25:37You didn't believe in navalness, friendship, or fidelity.
25:41You get up at noon, you want to kill one workmate and sleep with another.
25:47You drink, you want more pay, you think you're tough in a fight.
25:50That's sloth, envy, greed, avarice, pride, anger, and lust.
25:57Just a complete set of seven.
26:01Now, I'm Italian, I'm Catholic.
26:03To me, seven deadly sins says, uh-uh.
26:08Why didn't you tell me?
26:11Why did you spend all that time talking to me about cooking and coffee?
26:15Because I wanted you to think about what's really important.
26:18I even told you about St. Peter.
26:21I said, think about your priorities.
26:24But no, all you could think about was, hate thy neighbour and who you want to bang.
26:31His brain activity is strange.
26:35I wonder what he's thinking.
26:37I don't know.
26:39Jung thought that all the deepest myths came from dreams.
26:44Others believe that we just re-enact incidents from our waking lives.
26:49The fact is, no one knows.
26:53I suppose it's both.
26:55Like I said, no one knows.
26:59What are we doing here?
27:00Well, I thought you might like to see what really happened.
27:04No, I don't want to.
27:06Oh, but I think you should.
27:08You see, the real reason I came to see you was not because you prevented a death,
27:13but because you caused one.
27:16Unfortunately, it was your own.
27:19All right, listen.
27:21Listen, you give me another chance, okay?
27:24Please, and I'll make my own coffee.
27:28Grind my own beans.
27:29Come on.
27:30Hey, we've only got about a minute.
27:35Oh, I will.
27:37I'll grind my own beans and I'll give them away to poor people.
27:40We got 45 seconds.
27:42No, but it's not fair.
27:43Listen, I am not a bad person.
27:45Okay?
27:46I don't really want to kill people.
27:48I don't want to split up with Laura, but you tempted me.
27:51Well, hey.
27:52It's not fair.
27:53It's entrapment.
27:54So, sue me.
27:57Okay, look.
27:58That wasn't the real me wishing for those things.
28:00It was fantasy me.
28:02Me pretending.
28:04How do I know you're not pretending now?
28:06I...
28:06Go on, Alan.
28:08You know what has to happen.
28:12I'm sorry.
28:18Why?
28:40I'm sorry.
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