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00:07OK, and if the gunman was behind him
00:10and the book depository was how far away?
00:13180 feet.
00:14180 feet?
00:16Then the bullet would have reached the president
00:18before the sound of the bang.
00:19Well, that makes sense.
00:20But circling back to your theory
00:22that he was killed by the Scottish Secret Service...
00:25No, that's the last guy. This isn't Jews.
00:28Ah, yes, you're saying he was killed by a gang of Jews.
00:31Spot on.
00:32OK. Sorry, remind me, this is because...
00:35Well, let's go back to the Old Testament
00:37if you look at the Book of Exorcists.
00:39I'm going to cut you short there, Bill.
00:40I think it's a fantastic theory.
00:42In the meantime, if anyone wants to join our spin-off debate
00:45on ballistics and field weaponry,
00:47please head to the North Norfolk Digital chat room.
00:49I'm normally there from 3pm to the wee small hours.
00:53North Norfolk Digital is available anywhere in the world.
00:55It's global radio with an Anglian swagger,
00:58bringing Norwich to Nigeria.
01:00Swaffen to Scotland.
01:02And Cromer to the Kremlin.
01:04Svenja!
01:07We... well... well...
01:08It's a chilling thought, though, isn't it,
01:10that Cromer might one day fall to the Russians.
01:14Sounds like a Frederick Forsyth novel in the making.
01:17Yeah, yeah. The Norfolk fracture.
01:19The Red Peninsula.
01:21Yes. That sounds quite alarming, doesn't it?
01:23The seaside town of Cromer has fallen to the Russians.
01:28All roads to Cromer are now closed.
01:31This is not a drill. Repeat.
01:32This is not a drill.
01:34I'd read it.
01:35I would, I would.
01:36Music.
01:36There's some kids outside playing snowballs.
01:39But they've forgotten to put their parkas on.
01:42It's cold play.
01:48I used to have a parka.
01:53I miss parkas.
01:55You should buy one, then.
01:58I'm going to.
02:03It's Thursday, which means it's Mid-Thursday Morning Matters Book Club, or...
02:08Mid-Thursday Morning Matters Book Club.
02:11A virtual get-together where we talk about a book we've read that week.
02:15Saul Harris can't be with us.
02:18So, in his stead slash shoes, we have Rosie Whitter.
02:21Hello.
02:22Webcam voyeurs may recognise Rosie as our resident wine expert.
02:26I am indeed.
02:27Have you been drinking this morning?
02:29No.
02:30A little snifter before you left the house?
02:31No.
02:32I don't believe you.
02:34Did you bring any wine?
02:37Oh, I do have a bottle with me.
02:39That's my girl.
02:41That's Rosie Whitter.
02:43Joining us on the phone, we have Edith in Rakheath.
02:45Hello, Edith.
02:46Hello.
02:47And on email, we're joined by Andrew in docking.
02:49Are you there, Andrew?
02:55Andrew says yes.
02:56Excellent.
02:57And in the studio, I, Partridge.
02:59That's the club.
03:00Let's get to the knob.
03:02Right.
03:02Well, I've never hosted a book club quite like this.
03:06It's no exaggeration to say that this is the very first multi-platform radio-based book
03:14club broadcast in the whole of East Anglia.
03:18We're dragging book clubs into the 21st century, kicking and screaming.
03:22Sounds painful.
03:23Yeah, but not like an abduction.
03:24More like a child who doesn't want to be measured for new shoes.
03:28Rosie.
03:29Right.
03:29So, the book to read this week was Wild Swams by Yong Chang.
03:34And I hope you've all managed to finish it.
03:36Yeah.
03:36We have.
03:37And if you haven't, just order it off Amazon.
03:39Or a different website that pays its taxes.
03:41Come on.
03:42Come on.
03:42It's a good business model.
03:43Cheek books, happy shareholders, and the boss is stinking rich.
03:46Hats off.
03:47With questionable practices.
03:48Simon, you can't please all the people all the time.
03:50That's what China tried to do.
03:51A lot will happen there.
03:52Now you can only have one baby.
03:53And if it's a girl, tough luck.
03:55Which moves this nicely onto Wild Swans.
03:56Does it?
03:57Yeah.
03:57Next, you'll be complaining that Amazon make people in their warehouses run too quickly
04:01to fetch books.
04:03It's not a call centre in Timbuktu.
04:05They're students.
04:05You can't mistreat students.
04:06All that running around.
04:08Yeah.
04:08You could do with a bit of that, Alan.
04:09Have you lose a few pounds?
04:10Off.
04:11But Rosie makes a good point.
04:12You would slow down deliveries in the short term, but in the long term, you'd tackle one
04:17of the biggest killers of our times.
04:19Shipping.
04:19Obesity.
04:20You could have them running around for books that don't exist.
04:24That's true.
04:25Babysitting by King Herod.
04:29Marriage Guidance by Henry VIII.
04:31Or Losing at Squash Gracefully by Anne Diamond.
04:37So, do get in touch if you have any other ideas, because I'm going to make a likely book
04:42titles today's quality question.
04:44Oh, that is quality.
04:46Well, it looks like Mummy P and Baby P have finally pushed Daddy P too far.
04:53It's the black-eyed peas.
04:57Quick clarification, there's been some panic at a care home, with listeners worried that
05:02Russia has taken over Croma.
05:04That's my fault for making it sound like a news report.
05:06The Russians have not taken over Croma.
05:08That we know of.
05:10Not, yes.
05:11I mean, it could have infiltrated the council years ago.
05:13It has certainly explained their attitude to parking enforcement.
05:16Yeah, well, that's more Nazis, isn't it?
05:17But it's all evil.
05:18It's all evil.
05:19Wild Swans, Rosie.
05:21It's a long book.
05:23Well, it is substantial, yes.
05:24So, Wild Swans follows the lives of three generations of Chinese women.
05:29It's a true story of Yung Chang and her mother and her grandmother.
05:34Well, that's certainly what I took from it.
05:36Well, that's what it's about.
05:37No, I mean, absolutely, spot on, spot on.
05:41But let's keep talking.
05:42So, first impressions?
05:44Let me stop you and go to Edith.
05:47What do you think?
05:48Three for me.
05:49OK.
05:50Anything from Andrew yet, Simon?
05:53No, not yet.
05:54But I gave it a three.
05:55And I've got a few fours coming in via text.
05:57I've got Meredith in Hunstanton, says 4.5.
06:01And Cynthia says she would also give it a three.
06:04So, I'm not familiar.
06:06It's out of five.
06:06Always out of five.
06:07So, average it out, Simon.
06:09And what's the mean score?
06:10I've done it.
06:10It's 3.6.
06:11There you go, 3.6.
06:12Not bad.
06:12So, that was Wild Geese, the fascinating story.
06:15Swans.
06:15Swans, my mistake.
06:16About four generations of Chinese women.
06:17Three generations.
06:18Is it?
06:19It was.
06:19It was three.
06:20My mistake.
06:22Andrew's saying two.
06:23What, generations?
06:24No, I think that's his score, I think.
06:28Andrew, is that your score,
06:29or the number of generations of Chinese women you think it is?
06:33Here, just be a second.
06:37Can you email him?
06:38Yeah.
06:39Is that your score,
06:39or the number of generations of Chinamen?
06:42Got to move on.
06:44The time is AM 1.1.
06:48Our thanks to Beverly in Kingsland.
06:50She sent in a beef sponge.
06:52She says it's a great way to use up bits of old beef.
06:55It's essentially chunks of beef suspended in a kind of matrix of pastry.
07:01Sort of hovering in a...
07:03Sponge stasis.
07:05Yeah.
07:06Good name for the dish, actually.
07:07Sponge stasis.
07:09Brackets.
07:09Beef edition.
07:10Looks almost as good as last week's chicken drizzle cake.
07:14Um, maybe I'll have some of that later.
07:18Partridge!
07:19He got game!
07:20OK, before that, the book club.
07:22Rosie.
07:23Hi.
07:23Edith.
07:24Hello.
07:25And Andrew.
07:29We were discussing Wild Swans,
07:31a book that garnered an impressive 3.6.
07:34And Andrew has given the book a 2, by the way,
07:37and says Edith must have been reading a different book.
07:40He always does this.
07:41My score is nothing to do with him.
07:43Right.
07:45It's a bit pathetic, actually.
07:46Oh.
07:47Uh, Rosie, 3.6, a fair score?
07:49Hard to say.
07:51Um, at the book club I run,
07:53we try to avoid scoring or ranking books.
07:56Right, so it's more of a coffee morning.
07:59No, no, no.
07:59We do discuss the book,
08:01but we focus more on how we thought or felt.
08:03Ranking can be a little reductive.
08:04Well, it can be,
08:05but you might like to know that Wild Swans
08:06ranked number two on our book league table.
08:09Oh.
08:09Yeah.
08:10A nose ahead of Angels and Demons by Dan Brown,
08:12but a whisker behind The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.
08:17So you split the browns.
08:18A brown sandwich.
08:20Yeah.
08:20It sounds like something Beverly would knock out.
08:23Right, Wild Swans.
08:25Yes.
08:25Brian in Dursingham emails to say,
08:27who on earth wants to read a book about Chinese swans?
08:30It's a metaphor.
08:31A far better book is The Wild Geese,
08:33about a snatched squad of steel-hard mercenaries
08:36who rescue a black king or something
08:38from deepest, darkest Africa.
08:41Thanks, Brian.
08:41Always good to hear from you.
08:43And Andrew has emailed again to say,
08:46knock us off, Edith.
08:47You always give high scores to books by female authors.
08:50You butter old women.
08:51Butter old women?
08:52Bitter old woman, I think.
08:53Typing too fast.
08:54Yeah, although you can butter up old women.
08:56I sometimes butter up old women.
08:59Andrew is just a bully who hides behind his laptop.
09:03How come he never dares speak on the phone?
09:05What's he got to hide?
09:06He could be an eight-year-old boy.
09:08Child genius.
09:09Yeah, angry because he's been hothoused by his parents.
09:12It does happen.
09:13Denied a childhood.
09:14Yeah, Andrew, if that is you, get outside.
09:18Climb a few trees.
09:19Pull a few wheelies.
09:20Scuff your knees.
09:21Yeah, collect loads of chewing gum wrappers
09:22and send off for a free torch.
09:25Sorry, Rosie, you were saying.
09:26No, I was just saying, I think the swans is a metaphor for the women.
09:29I love metaphors.
09:31I really got into them a couple of years ago.
09:33And now, if I read a title that's too literal,
09:35it actually annoys me.
09:36I mean, if I went to see Moonraker,
09:39I don't want to see James Bond actually raking the moon.
09:42Unless he had some sort of industrial equipment.
09:44And even then, he's going to need a damn good reason.
09:46I think the wild swans is a strong metaphor.
09:49I mean, there's something impassive
09:51and hard to read about swans, isn't there?
09:53Like the women, they're beautiful, but they're unknowable.
09:56They're inscrutable.
09:57That's exactly the right word.
09:59Is it?
09:59Yes.
10:01You couldn't screw them if you wanted to.
10:03Don't ruin it.
10:04Let's have some music.
10:05This is Thatcher Pop, four-piece, Duran Duran.
10:14I've got a smashing flavour.
10:18Still here with book club leader Rosie Witter.
10:20Hello.
10:21I just love reading books.
10:22It's brilliant, isn't it?
10:23I couldn't live without it.
10:24I couldn't either.
10:25My partner, Angela, prefers television.
10:27I mean, she will watch literally anything.
10:30But if I go up and ask her what she's been watching,
10:32she doesn't know.
10:33Odd.
10:33Well, it's a good book for me every time.
10:35Curl Up on the Sofa.
10:36Yes, take the phone off the hook.
10:37Yeah.
10:38Maybe a tower of hot-butted trumpets,
10:41sleeping bag tied off around your waist.
10:43Like a giant maggot.
10:44Yeah.
10:44Well, half a maggot.
10:45The other half's a Warwick University sweatshirt.
10:48And no interruptions.
10:50Perhaps the strains of John-Michel Jarre
10:53haunting you from the music centre.
10:55I mean, it's on.
10:56There's nothing paranormal.
10:57And then just plough headlong into Wild Swans news.
11:01I did actually plough into A-Swan many years ago.
11:07Yeah.
11:07It was, it's the only time I actually ever heard a swan quack.
11:13Pardon me.
11:14It's mid-Thursday.
11:16It's mid-morning.
11:18It's mid...
11:18He does it.
11:19Mid-Thursday morning matters.
11:21Book club.
11:21So, any final thoughts?
11:24What did you take from the book?
11:26Alan?
11:27I read the book.
11:30I thought it was a good book.
11:32It's about people.
11:34Isn't it?
11:35Chinese women with small feet.
11:38What's all that about?
11:39Well, it's all explained in the book.
11:42Shit.
11:43I haven't read the book.
11:44I'm sorry.
11:47You, you, you're angry?
11:49No, not at all.
11:50That we will find some books heavy going.
11:53I, myself, actually gave up on the diary of Anne Frank on my first attempt.
11:57I couldn't get through it.
11:58And again, need a good shake.
12:03You're angry.
12:06Have some beef swans.
12:21Let's clear the air.
12:22The real reason people have a go at Bernie Eccleston
12:25is because he has the first name of a dinner lady
12:28and he goes out with giant women.
12:30What about the fact that he cosies up to dictators and torturers?
12:33He's not a torturer.
12:34No, he does business with torturers.
12:35Precisely.
12:36But he's so small he could barely pick up a cattle prod.
12:39You know, he wears kids' clothing.
12:41Watch out for him next time there's a wet Grand Prix.
12:43His wellies have got Spider-Man on.
12:45Yeah, but you can't explain his highly convoluted tax arrangements.
12:49No, which is why we have to...
12:51Shut up and move on.
12:53Now, we're all familiar with charities,
12:56from the important ones like the National Trust
12:58to less important ones like Help the Aged.
13:00Or Help for Heroes.
13:01No, that's the top one.
13:02Yeah.
13:02Yes.
13:03I donated a jacket to them only last week.
13:06I didn't have an arm, but then I thought, you know, perfect.
13:09But today we're going local
13:10and we mean to raise £3,000 for addiction action.
13:14Addiction could take many forms,
13:15from booze to drugs to, quite simply, having it off.
13:19Michael Douglas.
13:20Yes, that's indeed if it was sex addiction.
13:23It could quite simply have been the guy was very, very randy.
13:27That's £3,000 by 2pm,
13:28and if we don't quite get there,
13:30I'll make up the difference myself.
13:31What have we got?
13:32We've got our first pledge.
13:34Gary in Aylsham says he's trying to sell
13:35his old-style Volkswagen Beetle called Gertie,
13:38and if he can get £400 for it,
13:40he'll donate it all to our appeal.
13:42He's very generous.
13:43Volkswagen Beetle drivers were always...
13:45Characters.
13:46...well-meaning fools.
13:47And here are you two,
13:50who seem to be describing my search for a new washer-dryer.
13:53I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
13:57It's a top loader in black.
14:01Right.
14:04I didn't know you were into your charities.
14:06Um, I wasn't,
14:08but it's a great brand builder, yeah.
14:10You do your bit for charity,
14:12you get what Richard Curtis calls
14:13goodwill splashback.
14:15Oh, like a good karma.
14:16Yeah, yeah.
14:17He, uh, explained it to me the other day.
14:19He said, um,
14:21this is for you,
14:22and now this is for me.
14:26And he just laughed his head off.
14:30Malky's story.
14:31I sold my wee boy's toys
14:33to pay for drugs.
14:34Malky flogged Lego
14:35for half a pee apiece.
14:37Skaggs his poison.
14:39Jamie's story.
14:40I live rough on the streets of Norwich.
14:43Jamie used to be a teacher.
14:45Now she's a bum with booze in her veins.
14:48Tristram's story.
14:49Uh, I started taking coke
14:51when I first became a hedge fund manager.
14:53Tristram missed out on his bonus last year.
14:56His dreams of a bigger house in Tatters.
14:58Thank you, Alan.
14:59Thank you, Alan.
15:00Thanks, Al,
15:00for putting your hands across Norfolk.
15:03Mmm.
15:04Bananas and cream.
15:05I can't beat it.
15:07OK, you're listening to Midmorning Matters.
15:10Today we're raising £3,000,
15:11or £3,100,
15:13for knowledge-based charity
15:14Action Addiction.
15:16Sorry, Addiction Action.
15:17Got some banana in my mouth.
15:19Swallow.
15:21OK, uh, Simon,
15:22what's the tot up?
15:24Well, we're looking good.
15:25Um, we are already at
15:28610 English pounds.
15:30Uh, put that in context
15:31for any listening addicts.
15:32Yep, that is roughly
15:32150 pints of lager,
15:34or 8 grams of coke.
15:36And in terms of heroin?
15:37Just checking.
15:38I've asked one of the cleaners.
15:39Uh, the Scottish guy?
15:40Yeah.
15:40Yeah, good.
15:41And hey, what a great bunch of listeners.
15:43I mean, I think I stepped
15:44on a hornet's nest last year
15:46when I suggested
15:47Norwich was ready
15:48for a Blacktown crier,
15:50but you cannot fault their generosity.
15:52OK, online now we have an addict
15:54who wishes to remain anonymous,
15:55so we've disguised their voice.
15:57Hello, caller.
15:58What's your story?
15:59Um, I'm addicted to gambling.
16:03The sound guy said it'd be fine.
16:04I'm up to my eyes in debt.
16:06My marriage is in bits.
16:08I've lost my job selling wool
16:09in the market.
16:11Sorry, I'm getting quite emotional.
16:14It's all right, mate.
16:15Take your time.
16:16So, your wife had left you.
16:17My husband.
16:18I'm a woman.
16:20Of course.
16:21Sorry, yes, of course,
16:21men don't sell wool.
16:23Listen, love,
16:23I think we're going to have to cut this short.
16:25The voice distorter's bending your gender.
16:28It's also making you sound like a villain
16:30from a faraway galaxy.
16:31Could you simply say,
16:32soon your planet will be mine?
16:35Soon your planet will be mine.
16:38Yeah, yeah,
16:38I think we're going to have to leave it there.
16:39OK.
16:42Wait till he's right behind your shoulder,
16:44and then, you know,
16:45feign fear if it helps,
16:47and then if you feel the back of your arm,
16:49just the little knobbly bone there,
16:51if he's right up behind you,
16:52just into his ribs,
16:55into his ribs,
16:57and then,
16:58back of the hand,
16:59and bust his nose.
17:00I know when you were fooling around
17:02in the kitchen with Jez before,
17:05it was just a bit of some foolery,
17:07but I just thought when I saw you doing this and this,
17:09I just thought,
17:10we've got to talk.
17:10Anyway,
17:11that's it.
17:13It's 12.30,
17:14and we're joined by Derek Bosworth,
17:16who's here to tell us all about
17:18handheld,
17:20bellows-driven reed instruments.
17:22Sounds like a real wheeze.
17:26Before that,
17:27some pledges on the texts.
17:28We do have some pledges.
17:30Jed from Ipswich says he has a
17:3210-year-old Mondeo 1.8.
17:33He wants 500 quid,
17:35and will give 50 to the appeal.
17:37OK.
17:38Phil in Glanford says,
17:39leave Porsche drivers with red faces
17:41with my tweaked VW Golf.
17:43Reluctant sale due to baby.
17:45He wants 10 grand cash
17:46with 60 for charity.
17:48And one here from Dennis in Feltwell.
17:512012 Lexus GS.
17:52First to see will buy no time wasters.
17:55Right,
17:55and what's the donation?
17:57I don't think he said.
18:00OK.
18:02Er,
18:03time for the weather.
18:04Weather update.
18:11They're taking the piss.
18:13I mean,
18:14it's only gone up 100 pounds
18:15in the last hour.
18:16This is ridiculous.
18:17I said I'd make up the difference.
18:18I said I'd take Angela to Centreparks
18:20and buy her a big Atelier.
18:21Pockets aren't that deep.
18:22Yeah, I know.
18:23It's really,
18:24I don't have that kind of money,
18:25you know,
18:25it's not,
18:25I'm out of my depth.
18:26How can they raise 4 grand
18:27for a donkey sanctuary?
18:29It's ridiculous.
18:31People like donkeys.
18:32Why?
18:33We've got cars.
18:34I'm not saying I like...
18:35They don't work.
18:35They should put them down.
18:38All right, Dave.
18:40It's Dave Clifton.
18:43He's been through the mill.
18:44He was a massive boozer.
18:47You know the story about him?
18:49No?
18:50Er,
18:51well, I shouldn't say this
18:52because he's,
18:54it's all,
18:54he's moved on,
18:55but when he was really
18:58completely at rock bottom,
19:00he,
19:02he actually
19:03ended up down at the docks
19:07pleasuring a vagrant.
19:09Yeah.
19:11Hi, Dave.
19:12Just,
19:12just talking about your,
19:13uh,
19:15checkered past.
19:16Oh,
19:16did you
19:17tell him about the time
19:18I,
19:18uh,
19:18wanked off those tramps?
19:20Yeah.
19:20Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
19:24You,
19:24that was plural,
19:25wasn't it?
19:26Must have been a line of them.
19:29That's some sort of
19:30diabolical soup kitchen.
19:33Alan Partridge's
19:34hands across the county.
19:36Dave,
19:37what would you say was
19:38the lowest
19:39of the low?
19:40Um,
19:41and before you do
19:42answer that,
19:43I should add that
19:43the pledge line is still open,
19:44so do call.
19:46Please!
19:47Well,
19:48the lowest lows
19:49often follow the highest highs,
19:50and as you know,
19:51Alan,
19:51I was the biggest
19:52DJ in Norfolk
19:53with the number one show
19:55on the station.
19:56Depends on the metric.
19:57I was a star.
19:59I had a semi-detached home,
20:00a Vauxhall Tigre,
20:01and I deserved it.
20:02I took my eye off the ball.
20:05Yes,
20:05I had the number one show
20:07on the station.
20:08Yeah,
20:08it depends on the metric.
20:09But then,
20:10I entered a spiral.
20:12now,
20:12is this when you were
20:13stuck on a water slide
20:14with your jeans still on?
20:15No,
20:16no,
20:16a spiral of addiction.
20:18Of course.
20:18I'd drink anything.
20:20It affected,
20:20uh,
20:21my judgement.
20:22Right,
20:22good.
20:23Okay,
20:23now,
20:25Dave,
20:26what,
20:27was the worst thing
20:28you did?
20:29God help us.
20:30Oh,
20:31you mean the tramps?
20:33No,
20:33no,
20:33no,
20:34no,
20:34God no.
20:35One rung below that.
20:36Oh,
20:38I remember once
20:39I broke into
20:40someone's back garden
20:41and had a fight
20:42with a snowman.
20:43You know,
20:43I had so much
20:44premium lager
20:45coursing through me,
20:46I thought he was
20:47from the council.
20:50It's good to see you
20:51laugh,
20:51Dave.
20:51Oh,
20:52you've got to laugh,
20:53Alan.
20:53Although tears
20:54sometimes help,
20:55tears can help,
20:56tears would help.
20:57I've done all my
20:58crying,
20:58Alan.
20:59I like to think
21:00I'm a barrel of
21:01laughs,
21:02because a barrel of
21:03tears is good for
21:05nothing.
21:05Yeah,
21:06well,
21:06it's just a bucket
21:06of brine,
21:07isn't it?
21:10It's great that
21:11you're upbeat,
21:12Dave,
21:12but it could do
21:13with being a little
21:14bit sadder.
21:14My glass is always
21:16half full,
21:17Alan.
21:17Wasn't that the
21:18problem?
21:20You've got a son,
21:21haven't you?
21:22Oh,
21:23don't go there,
21:24Alan,
21:24you'll get me going.
21:25I can imagine.
21:26Someone once told me
21:27that he swaps his
21:29scale extract for
21:30some cocaine on
21:31Christmas Day.
21:32Well,
21:32it was a packet of
21:34Daz,
21:34as it turned out.
21:35Yeah,
21:36I always joke,
21:37actually,
21:37about that,
21:37Alan,
21:38that I got
21:38cleaned out.
21:40I mean,
21:41you know,
21:42it is really sad.
21:43You don't sound
21:44sad.
21:45You don't sound
21:46sad.
21:46Be sad.
21:49You're listening
21:49to Alan Partridge.
21:52There is a reason
21:53I don't talk
21:54about my son.
21:56Well,
21:57you wouldn't talk
21:57about it,
21:58would you?
21:58If your son came
21:59up to you and said,
22:00Dad,
22:00will you put me
22:01on your shoulders
22:02so I can pick the
22:03apples from the tree
22:04for apple pie and
22:05custard?
22:05And I say,
22:06no,
22:07son,
22:07because I'm
22:08pissed.
22:09And then I say,
22:10I've got an even
22:11better idea,
22:11son.
22:12Why don't we play
22:13this new game,
22:14it's called
22:15Invisible Dad,
22:16where someone who
22:17looks exactly like
22:17me lies on the
22:19sofa all afternoon
22:19watching Bargain
22:20Hunt,
22:21while the real me,
22:22Invisible Dad,
22:23will come out into
22:24the back garden in
22:25five minutes' time
22:26and we'll play
22:26together all
22:27afternoon,
22:28son,
22:28quietly.
22:29But I'm on the
22:31sofa half an
22:31hour later and
22:32I can hear my
22:33little boy out in
22:33the garden talking
22:34to no-one and
22:35do you know what
22:36I did?
22:37I turned up the
22:39volume to drown
22:40him out with
22:41David Dickinson.
22:42Oh, God.
22:46Fast forward two
22:47years and I'm
22:48sitting in a room
22:49with a circle of
22:50chairs and I'm
22:50saying,
22:51my name's Tom
22:52Barrington and I'm
22:54an alcoholic.
22:56Sorry, who's Tom
22:57Barrington?
22:58Oh, it's my real
22:59name.
23:00You changed your
23:01name to Dave
23:02Clifton?
23:03Yeah, yeah.
23:05Fast forward
23:06again to a
23:08summer's day last
23:08year, I've got my
23:09son on my
23:10shoulders saying,
23:12Daddy, Daddy,
23:13I can reach the
23:14apples.
23:15And all I could
23:16think was, so
23:17can I, son.
23:19So can I.
23:23And that's what
23:24I do, Alan.
23:25Every day I just
23:27try and reach the
23:29apples.
23:32Thank you, Dave.
23:33I used to think
23:34you were a right
23:35Burke, but I
23:37realise now that's
23:37only half the
23:38story.
23:40And I'll tell you
23:40something else, I
23:41hope you keep
23:41reaching those
23:42apples every day
23:46because if you
23:47can't find it in
23:48your hearts to
23:48find 3K for a
23:51guy like Dave
23:51Clifton, then I
23:52won't bother coming
23:53tomorrow because I'll
23:54be at an orchard
23:56behind Dave
23:57Clifton on a
23:58bicycle with a
24:00basket full of
24:01apples and then
24:05we'll go home and
24:07together we'll bake
24:08an apple pie and
24:09feed it to his
24:09son.
24:13And I'll tell you
24:14something else,
24:15Dave.
24:15What?
24:18I'm bringing the
24:19custard.
24:21What's to do?
24:25The time is 12.45.
24:31Hugs are not drugs.
24:33Cuddles are not
24:33roddles.
24:34Oh my God, I'm
24:35sorry, I completely
24:36forgot about you.
24:37Sorry.
24:39And the paint's
24:40peeling up on my
24:41walls.
24:44There's a man
24:45outside.
24:46Could you be
24:47lost for
24:47shipping?
24:48In a long
24:49cold grey hat
24:50smoking a
24:51cigarette.
24:54We are nearly
24:55out of time.
24:56Simon, top me up.
24:58Money.
24:59Well, the final
25:00rather grand
25:01total is
25:02£2,970.
25:06So, £30
25:07short.
25:08Yep.
25:12I'll pay that.
25:14Absolutely.
25:15Love you,
25:17Norfolk.
25:17News.
25:19News.
25:32Have you
25:32got 30p?
25:35You've
25:35got it there.
25:36I need
25:36that for
25:36Milky Way.
25:39I mean, I've
25:39got one in my
25:39lunchbox.
25:40You can have
25:40that.
25:42Let's have
25:43a look.
25:53Right?
25:54Yep.
26:04It's
26:05good
26:05inside.
26:05good
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