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00:00.
00:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:39I'm Alexander Armstrong.
00:40In the news this week, in Cheshire,
00:42the world's richest dog supervises the digging up of his favourite bone.
00:48LAUGHTER
00:50That's crazy!
00:53In Pyongyang, a four-hour speech by Kim Jong-un
00:56begins to take its toll on the bladder.
01:00LAUGHTER
01:07And the owner of Julie's Cafe in Romford rejects suggestions
01:10that customers would be put off if they knew how she made her omelettes.
01:16APPLAUSE
01:20On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently revealed his love
01:23of the horror genre and is a particular fan of The Walking Dead,
01:26so you've got at least one supporter, Prime Minister.
01:29Please welcome Phil Wang.
01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:36On Paul's team tonight is a stand-up and presenter
01:38who is usually surrounded by loose women.
01:40But tonight, we'll have to make do with some uptight men.
01:43Please welcome Judy Love.
01:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:50We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:52Ian and Phil, here is yours.
01:54Oh, Andy Burnham.
01:56Bye-bye, Manchester!
01:58West Reading at his sixth warm open day.
02:02Kier Starmer making some coffee.
02:04This will keep people awake after they listen to me.
02:07LAUGHTER
02:08Oh, I used to be a barrister.
02:11LAUGHTER
02:13APPLAUSE
02:17We've got another by-election, baby.
02:20Mm-hm.
02:21That's too much.
02:22I'm learning a new constituency every week.
02:25What is the constituency in this case?
02:27This case is Makerfield.
02:29Yes.
02:29So now I know about Makerfield, I know about Gorton and Denton.
02:32Yes.
02:32I assumed that was a comedy-doer from the 70s, Gorton and Denton.
02:35But...
02:35Most of the council elections point to a reform victory,
02:39so it would be a lot of effort to give up being mayor,
02:43give up...
02:43You know, your job.
02:45And then go and lose a by-election.
02:47But he may not.
02:49He may not deliver the comedy value that that would entail.
02:53LAUGHTER
02:54There are other parties, I've got to say that,
02:57because this is the BBC.
02:58Fringe parties you have to mention now,
03:01the Conservatives are standing.
03:02LAUGHTER
03:03And now Andy Burnham, in his hopes to replace a Prime Minister
03:08who keeps U-Turning, has U-turned on his Brexit position
03:14to...to kind of be a friend to all sides here.
03:16But by doing a U-turn, he's proved he's fit for office.
03:19Yeah.
03:21But, I mean, the thing about U-turns is, I mean,
03:23it's always portrayed as, ah, you've changed your mind.
03:26Mm.
03:26But that's a good thing, isn't it?
03:28Sometimes, you know, as reality changes, otherwise,
03:30you know, we'd still be appeasing Hitler.
03:33That is a very good analogy.
03:35Thank you very much.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:37I spent all night thinking of that.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40But it is true, though, isn't it?
03:41I mean, you know, if somebody just rigorously stuck to the same
03:44policy despite changing circumstances,
03:46that would be odd as well, wouldn't it?
03:47That would be Liz Truss.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:50I suppose it depends how many times they U-turn.
03:53Yeah, well, they U-turn twice, they're in the same direction.
03:56This is true.
03:57Doesn't matter.
03:58What's the really bad news for Wes Streeting, though?
04:01Um...
04:01No-one likes him.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:04He's less popular than Keir Starmer,
04:07which no-one thought was possible.
04:09This is right.
04:10According to YouGov, in a leadership contest,
04:12Addy Burnham would beat him easily.
04:15Keir Starmer would beat him easily.
04:18What about Angela Rayner?
04:19What about Angela Rayner?
04:20Angela Rayner would beat him physically.
04:22Beat him easily.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:33I'm sure there's someone, if they thought about it,
04:35who he could beat.
04:37Ah!
04:40Do anyone know when the by-election's happening?
04:43June.
04:4418th.
04:4418th of June.
04:45Which is an important European anniversary.
04:48Do anyone know what that is?
04:48Is it the Black Death?
04:50No, more is than that.
04:51It's the anniversary of the Battle of Waterloo.
04:53Is it?
04:54Yes.
04:55Excellent.
04:55I only found out the Battle of Waterloo didn't happen in Waterloo,
04:59in London.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:02I assumed it was there.
05:03I was like, well, why would it be called the Battle of Waterloo?
05:06I mean, it could be that they named the railway station
05:08after the battle.
05:09Yeah, I put that together.
05:11LAUGHTER
05:12LAUGHTER
05:15Just a thought.
05:17Are you equally baffled by the Battle of Trafalgar?
05:20Yeah.
05:21It's a...
05:21Were they on top of the pillar?
05:23Yes.
05:23Or how did they...?
05:25Did everyone see reforms Robert Jenrick in the Commons this week?
05:29He was in full flow, giving it to the government.
05:31Let's have a look at that.
05:32Yeah.
05:32People across our country, including most in my home county of Nottinghamshire,
05:37put their trust in this party.
05:40Why?
05:41Because they promised change.
05:43They said they would do things differently, they would be better,
05:46they would end the chaos.
05:47They would put country before party.
05:50And where are we?
05:52Where are we less than two years later?
05:54You're in a different party.
05:55We're here.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:59We...
06:00We're here.
06:02Where are we?
06:03We're here.
06:04You used to be born.
06:05We're here.
06:07Oh, you've got to love it.
06:13While we're discussing reform and how Nigel Farage paid for his new house,
06:17was anyone surprised by how much Farage claims he was paid
06:20for being on I'm a Celebrity?
06:22Yeah, one and a half million.
06:24One and a half million.
06:24One and a half, yeah.
06:25For eating what?
06:27Like...
06:27Goat's dick.
06:29Duck tongue and slug dick.
06:31I eat the Chinese New Year for free every year.
06:33Does that surprise you at all, Judy?
06:35I would like...
06:36The fact that he got some money and, yeah, I'd like...
06:39What, you'd like to do it?
06:40No, no!
06:41I know.
06:41No, I've had a...
06:42No, no.
06:44That's not that too harsh.
06:45I mean, what I mean is...
06:46No, not yet.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:52Um, GB News' Keith Bayes is still shouting in Downing Street,
06:56by the way.
06:56Yes.
06:56Did you see what happened this week?
06:58Er...
06:58No, have you got some footage?
06:59I certainly have, yeah.
07:00Let's have a look.
07:02Should we rejoin the European Union, Minister?
07:06Who is running the country?
07:07LAUGHTER
07:09Be careful, Minister!
07:12LAUGHTER
07:15According to the I newspaper, Labour ministers are already jostling for top jobs in the next government.
07:21And, er, talking of Andy Burnham's plum positions...
07:24LAUGHTER
07:25Any strong views on his shorts?
07:28They're not that short.
07:29You should see the pair Ian's wearing tonight.
07:30I mean...
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33According to the Telegraph, most people's reaction would be instant ick.
07:38LAUGHTER
07:38It's interesting that a few days after that photo of Burnham was taken, Wes Streeting appeared in slightly longer shorts.
07:45LAUGHTER
07:45Ah, yes, good move.
07:47So then Andy Burnham adjusted his shorts as well.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52That is definitely a phone in your pocket, Bridgerid.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:58Here are other ministers out running.
08:00Mm-hm.
08:01Michael Gove.
08:02No.
08:03LAUGHTER
08:04Oh.
08:04Oh.
08:05He looks like he's running to the hospital.
08:07I don't know.
08:09LAUGHTER
08:10Boris Johnson.
08:12Oh!
08:14LAUGHTER
08:14Oh, Boris.
08:19Oh, man.
08:20Breast and everything.
08:21I mean...
08:24Matt Hancock.
08:26Matt Hancock.
08:27LAUGHTER
08:27See, maybe politicians just think running brings them closer to the electorate.
08:31Here is Matt Hancock receiving a friendly greeting while he's out for a run.
08:36Matt Hancock!
08:37You shaggar!
08:39LAUGHTER
08:42That garbage GB news gets everywhere, doesn't it?
08:45LAUGHTER
08:47Yes, this is the challenge to the Labour Party leadership and the prospect of a new Prime Minister.
08:52Andy Burnham is known as the King of the North, which, in a leadership,
08:55puts him at an advantage over London-born Wes Streeting,
08:59unless he changes his first name from Wes to coronation.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:04According to one biography, Andy Burnham is the son of a Liverpool BT engineer
09:08and a GP receptionist, which explains his appeal to the progressive LBTGP.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:18Paul and Judy?
09:19Yes, yours.
09:21Oh, welcome to Leeds.
09:23Obviously, I'm just reading out what it says there.
09:25This is a new sign.
09:27There we are again.
09:27Welcome to Leeds.
09:28Can't get enough of that picture.
09:29And there we are again.
09:31Welcome to Leeds.
09:32Yeah, this camera only leads you to Leeds.
09:34This is it.
09:35There's been controversy, although it's hard to see really what people are worried about,
09:39but they're saying that the word leads doesn't look right,
09:41that the D is an upside-down P.
09:43People are up in arms about it.
09:45They really are.
09:46They're very annoyed.
09:46Who particularly cares?
09:49Four people that has got us chatting about this shit.
09:51Oh, no, it's way more.
09:53LAUGHTER
09:55It's way more than that.
09:56It's huge.
09:57The upgrade to the station has cost £46 million.
10:01What?!
10:02ITV's regional news programme, Calendar, asked viewers to post their comments on the font.
10:06Chris kicked things off.
10:09Yes, the D is upside-down P!
10:11LAUGHTER
10:13Alison agreed.
10:14They've used a P upside-down.
10:16And then all hell broke loose.
10:18LAUGHTER
10:18All kicked off.
10:19I think the two Es are too close together.
10:21The two Es are too close together, but I can't see anything wrong with the D.
10:26And finally, and let's be honest, there's always one.
10:29Someone took issue with the whole premise of the font discussion.
10:32Small side point, a design of letters is called a typeface.
10:36Font is things like bold italic size, etc.
10:40Wait till they find out the W is an upside-down M.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:44Now, looking at it, the D does look a little bit small.
10:47Oh, the D's, no, that E's floating up second E's.
10:50Oh, the E's are too...
10:50Yeah.
10:51I've taken two Es too close together before.
10:54LAUGHTER
10:57What's been the other big train story of this week?
10:59Oh, it was even more waste of money.
11:01Yeah.
11:02HR2, whatever it's called.
11:04Yes!
11:04The high-speed railway thing, which is now sort of like,
11:07it was going to cost billions more,
11:09it's not going to be ready for another 15 years,
11:10it's only going to go to Birmingham, it's going to go at half speed.
11:13The whole thing is a disaster, but they've spent so much money
11:15that they can't sort of back out of it now.
11:16They've got to keep going until it's, you know, it's pointless.
11:19Heidi Alexander, the Transport Secretary...
11:21Yes, announced on Tuesday the cost of HS2 would rise to £100 billion,
11:26which is triple the original cost signed off by the Coalition in 2012.
11:29And someone rather brilliant pointed out the total cost
11:31to getting the Artemis crew to go to the Moon and back
11:34is cheaper...
11:36Yeah.
11:36..than going to Birmingham.
11:38A fifth cheaper.
11:3920 billion less than HS2.
11:42There we go.
11:42Yeah.
11:42So, we're given a choice, would you rather go to Birmingham or the Moon?
11:45Well, yes.
11:46Well, it depends if there's a replacement Moon service.
11:49LAUGHTER
11:51Yeah.
11:52According to the iPaper, what did HS2 Limited spend £100 million on?
11:57Bat tunnel.
11:58Yes, that's exactly right.
11:59They spent £100 million on a 100-metre bat tunnel
12:02being built in Buckinghamshire.
12:03Why can't Batman pay for his own tunnel?
12:05Really?
12:06Yeah, he's got loads of money.
12:08It would work out at £340,000 per bat.
12:11Oh, that's a nice fact.
12:13And they did a survey of the bats
12:15and none of them want to go to Manchester.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:20In other UK news, what did a BBC Panorama allege this week?
12:24Married at First Sight.
12:25Yes.
12:25Exactly right.
12:26Yes, Channel 4 have removed the UK version of their hit reality show
12:29Married at First Sight from its streaming platform
12:32after Panorama revealed allegations of rape and sexual assault
12:35by three participants.
12:37The show involves people agreeing to live as a married couple
12:40with someone they've never met before and living together in a flat,
12:42sometimes unsupervised by the production team.
12:45At First Sight, that's a terrible idea.
12:47Yes.
12:48And thus it proved.
12:49It's a deeply unpleasant idea, isn't it?
12:52Arranged Marriage Live would have a different ring to it, wouldn't it?
12:55It would.
12:56According to the CEO of Channel 4, Priya Dogra,
12:58when Channel 4 first heard about contributor concerns,
13:02Channel 4 acted quickly, appropriately and sensitively
13:05by continuing to air the relevant episodes
13:07right up until Panorama went out on Monday.
13:10Why do channels broadcast these shows?
13:12Because they like rubbish.
13:15It's popular. Extremely popular.
13:17Here are just some of the shows in the past five years at Channel 4.
13:20Married at First Sight UK, Virgin Island, Naked Attraction, Dating Naked UK,
13:28Love Triangle UK, Kinky Daters, Sex Rated, Open House,
13:34The Great Sex Experiment.
13:36Oh, yeah, watch that.
13:37And then, of course, 24 hours in police custody.
13:41The truth of the matter is people would do anything
13:43but be on television, I mean...
13:44Yeah.
13:48If we named it, you mentioned the audience was going,
13:50oh, oh, that means these nasty buggers have watched them.
13:56Some of them have been in it.
13:57Yeah.
13:58And that was the same noise they were making when they was watching it.
14:00Oh, oh.
14:02I missed that one.
14:03Nasty buggers.
14:04Was that...
14:04It was on later, was it?
14:07OK, this is a Channel 4 show.
14:09Let's see if we can guess what this involves.
14:12Naked alone and racing to get home.
14:15Oh.
14:15Is that one show?
14:17It is one show.
14:18Well, I can tell you, two teams try to win a cash prize
14:21by racing across the countryside naked.
14:25Shall we have a look?
14:26I can give you a little insight.
14:27Go on, then.
14:28Are we watching this from the front or the back?
14:29We can watch the whole show.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:33Come on!
14:35Racing across unforgiving terrain.
14:37I'm stuck!
14:41Will they be able to find food?
14:42Oh, no chance at all.
14:46I think that looks fine.
14:47Survive the cold of the British night.
14:49It's piss-blowing.
14:51I'm absolutely free.
14:53Or manage not to get arrested.
14:58Oh, my gosh, I felt like I could smell so much through the screen.
15:03Andy Burnham's got inspiration for his next run.
15:06LAUGHTER
15:07It says they have to race to get home.
15:09Yeah.
15:09Yeah.
15:10So if there's nobody home, how are they going to get in?
15:11I mean, they haven't got any house keys.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:15There's many places you can hide keys.
15:17That's true.
15:20Where have they put the microphones?
15:22Again.
15:22There's many places you can hide.
15:24This is the new welcome sign.
15:26At Leeds Station.
15:28No, it isn't.
15:29LAUGHTER
15:31There is another issue with the sign in the Yorkshire City.
15:33The words,
15:34Piss off, you southern bastards, has been spelt welcome to.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:39If you look closely at that sign, you can see the L, D and S have been
15:42screwed on, but I think they've attached the E by gum.
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47Oh, my God.
15:49Concerned about the chaos surrounding HS2,
15:52Transport Secretary Heidi Alexander told the Commons in June
15:54she was keen to draw a line in the sand,
15:57which should be completed by 2057.
15:59LAUGHTER
16:00And so, to round two, the animo-o-meter of news.
16:04Fingers on buzzers, teams, here is your first one.
16:09Oh, Ian and Phil.
16:11It's a swan.
16:12It...
16:12It's a goose.
16:13Do we get the point?
16:14Is it a goose?
16:15Yeah.
16:16Goose.
16:17What's the difference between a goose and a swan?
16:19Well, you can't get arrested for swanning.
16:20Yeah.
16:22It is the news that thieves in Kent are on the loose with a goose.
16:26So a goose has been kidnapped?
16:27Yeah, it has, yes.
16:28Wow.
16:28Does anyone want to have a guess at the goose's name?
16:32George.
16:32Well, you've got the right letter.
16:34Gandalf.
16:34Oh.
16:35Much loved by locals.
16:36Until last Tuesday, he lived happily with his boyfriend, Ryan Gosling.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:42Here they are together.
16:44Aw.
16:45That's nice.
16:46That's nice.
16:46A local resident reported that Gandalf had been bundled into the boot
16:49of a dark-coloured estate car.
16:51The dreadful incident occurred in the village of Bastard.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:56Unless, of course, it's pronounced...
16:57Basted.
16:58Yes.
16:58Which gets even worse news for the goose.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01The local villager also had a memorable name.
17:03Does anyone know what that is?
17:05The local villager.
17:06I don't know why.
17:06Well, you don't even know the Gandalf story.
17:08So how are you going to know Nigel Sheepwash's name?
17:11Wow!
17:12I have no idea.
17:14Following reports of a man seen bundling Gandalf into his car
17:17and driving off, landlord Benjamin McConaughey announced
17:19he's offering a reward for information.
17:21He's also offering a locally-sourced foie gras terrine starter
17:25on the menu.
17:25LAUGHTER
17:27To the animal-o-meter fingers.
17:29Animal-o-meter, yes, OK.
17:30On buzzers.
17:31Yeah.
17:31Here we go.
17:32Here's another one.
17:32OK.
17:36BUZZER
17:37Yes, Ian and Phil.
17:38It's a swine.
17:38See if you can redeem it.
17:40LAUGHTER
17:41What colour is that cat?
17:42White cat.
17:43We've seen that cat before, haven't we?
17:45It's like a James Bond villain cat.
17:46Yes, it is.
17:47Oh!
17:48Yes.
17:48This is the news.
17:49The auditions for the next James Bond are underway.
17:52Yes.
17:53Does anyone know who's in the running?
17:54I've put my hat out of the ring.
17:55You've taken it out of the ring.
17:56Yeah, I'm not auditioning.
17:58I didn't want to be in hock to the Bond market.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:03Oh, that's brilliant.
18:05APPLAUSE
18:07Sorry.
18:08Sorry!
18:09Ah, there we go.
18:10I can tell you two of the front-runners.
18:12They are Callum Turner.
18:13Oh, really?
18:14Yes.
18:14And Aaron Taylor-Johnson.
18:16Oh, I'll take the second one.
18:18LAUGHTER
18:19Which surprising name threw their hat into the ring for this role?
18:23George Brandreif.
18:25LAUGHTER
18:28It was Donald Trump.
18:30The official White House ex-account tweeted this picture...
18:33Oh!
18:33..of the weekend.
18:34Oh!
18:35The man with the golden face.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:41Grab an octopussy.
18:44LAUGHTER
18:47On a related note, who got into trouble for spying this week?
18:50Oh, it was a representative of Southampton Football Club.
18:53Exactly right.
18:53Who was rather idiotically caught filming Middlesbrough training
18:57behind a tree.
18:58Well, not behind a tree, he's standing beside a tree,
19:00holding a phone up like that.
19:01LAUGHTER
19:03That's him there, yeah.
19:04That's it.
19:04Yeah.
19:05Oh, that's him there as well.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:08Well, it's tricky getting caught spying in Middlesbrough,
19:10cos you don't have an excuse, right?
19:11You can't say,
19:12I'm a tourist.
19:14LAUGHTER
19:15And Southampton have now been booted out of the Championship
19:17play-off final.
19:18And the offence was only discovered when Middlesbrough noticed
19:20someone was paying attention.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:24This is the search for the new James Bond.
19:26Bond fans have voiced concerns over how much influence Amazon
19:29will have over the film after a leaked script showed Bond
19:32leaving a nuclear warhead with the villain's neighbour.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:37James Bond needs to be suave, smooth-talking,
19:40and at the peak of physical fitness.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:45Time now for the odd one.
19:46Round, your four are...
19:55Well, the UK entry didn't do well at Eurovision.
20:00Ukraine, I think, gave us one point right at the last minute
20:03in return for all that support.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06That's £86 billion well-spent, isn't it?
20:09His song was amusingly called Einzweiddrei and we got ein.
20:13LAUGHTER
20:15Is it screaming?
20:16Cos banshees scream.
20:17Mm.
20:18And then something bad happens.
20:19He sang.
20:21Yes.
20:21And then something quite bad happened.
20:24Well screamed.
20:25The sirens make a noise and people complained.
20:27Which one's the odd one out?
20:29Plimpton.
20:29Plimpton's the odd one out.
20:30Yeah.
20:31Because they like noise.
20:32Well, no.
20:33They all make a terrible noise apart from the town of Plimpton
20:35in Devon, which makes a terrible smell.
20:37What's the smell?
20:38What has been causing it?
20:39Mrs Watkins at number 48.
20:41They've narrowed it down...
20:42They've narrowed it down to the wastewater treatment works.
20:45I wonder what took them so long.
20:47Yeah.
20:48All we've got here is the big shit factory in the bakery.
20:52LAUGHTER
20:52Maybe it's the bakery.
20:54According to the Plymouth Herald, local water company Southwest Water
20:57is trying to help by spraying perfume into the air.
21:00Oh, my gosh.
21:01As opposed to spraying shit into the river.
21:04It still smells of shit, but there's a nice...
21:08Some Davidoff cool water.
21:10LAUGHTER
21:11In related news, why has head of Welsh Water been criticised recently?
21:15Cos the rivers are filthy.
21:16Well, Steve Wilson is Welsh Water's wastewater director,
21:20but he's come under fire for not taking his job seriously.
21:23Here he is being interviewed on ITV News.
21:25If I had a look at your social media posts,
21:27and your Twitter handle, or X-handle I should say these days,
21:31is turdherder69.
21:33LAUGHTER
21:36And to be fair, turdherder1-68 had all gone, so...
21:42Turdherder69, now that is messy.
21:45LAUGHTER
21:48At least he's actually herding.
21:51That's true.
21:51He's attempting to do the job.
21:53A shit shepherd.
21:54A shit shepherd.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:57Look, Mum, no computer.
21:58He represented the UK.
21:59Shall we just have a quick listen to his entry?
22:01Here it is.
22:02Ooh!
22:03Ooh!
22:03High five dry, downy nanny, choppy choppy!
22:07High five dry, with a slice of pepperoni!
22:10Up there you can only, that will be a pony.
22:14High five dry, I'm coming back to life.
22:18Hmm.
22:20OK.
22:20There was no discernible difference in the song when he stopped playing his...
22:23..keyboard.
22:25So, let's just watch the dying moments of Look Mum No Computers evening.
22:29Oh, good luck.
22:35After the audience vote, you have received zero points.
22:40Oh!
22:41Oh, well.
22:44And, yes, Waymo driverless taxis.
22:46Do you know what noise they make?
22:47It's sort of when they arrive to pick you up,
22:49because there's no-one there, they bleep and reverse.
22:51I thought they'd go, whoa, bitch, get out the way, get out the way.
22:59Is that what taxis normally do?
23:01Yeah.
23:01They're annoying local residents because they keep getting stuck
23:04down one particular cul-de-sac in East London
23:06and have to reverse out while making this noise.
23:16I was waiting for, like, a little hip hop beat.
23:18Yeah, I think it was a Eurovision entry.
23:19Yeah.
23:20I've only got more points.
23:22What other high-tech invention has needed tweaking this week?
23:26Robots, is it?
23:27It was a robot in Shenzhen in China.
23:29Yes, it was dancing.
23:30Performing to Billie Jean.
23:32Michael Jackson.
23:33Shall we have a look at that?
23:33Go on, then.
23:39Oh my god.
23:43I don't know.
23:45I'm going to do it.
23:48Okay.
23:51I'll do it.
23:52I'll do it.
23:54I knew it.
24:01I can tell you all along with the city.
24:02Go on, then.
24:03It'll be there.
24:04You are the only one,
24:04I'd call you the same place.
24:07I'd call you the same place.
24:07I'd call you the same place.
24:10I'd call you the same place.
24:11I'd call you the same place.
24:14Why didn't you put the stairs there?
24:16It would have been fun. Yeah!
24:17Building the set for the big, wobbly robot expo.
24:22Why don't we add some obstacles in here?
24:24I don't know why we needed a robot to show us that.
24:27You could go to anywhere, Dean,
24:28and that would be the bride's dad at the end.
24:31Being dragged off.
24:32Well, they have all made a terrible noise,
24:34apart from the town of Plimpton, which makes a terrible smile.
24:38And if you were thinking of visiting Plimpton
24:39this bank holiday weekend, I'd give it five minutes.
24:43Look Mum, No Computer came last,
24:45making it the third time in recent years.
24:48For many English viewers, the UK entry was a lesson in German,
24:51as they learnt the words eins, zwei, drei, and also scheiße.
24:56One review said the problem was that the performance was overthought,
25:00although, sadly, it wasn't over quickly.
25:04LAUGHTER
25:07Time now for the missing words round,
25:09and we start with embarrassment on live radio,
25:13as what turns out to be what?
25:14Oh, I heard this. It was your show.
25:16Bruckner turned out to be Brahms.
25:17Ah!
25:19No.
25:21It's where streeting turns out to be three kids
25:23stood on each other's shoulders in a trench coat.
25:27Embarrassment on live radio, as ufologist,
25:30turns out to be urologist.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:33The mistake happened on Argentinian radio,
25:36when the man they'd booked as an expert on UFOs
25:38revealed he was, in fact, a urologist.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41Oh, well, he was just taking the piss.
25:44LAUGHTER
25:46There is actually a link between urology and ufology,
25:50as this particular alien is an expert at giving prostate exams.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:57Next.
25:57Muntjac deer makes surprise appearance what?
26:00For West Bromwich Albion.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:03Waitrose, half price.
26:06As new host of Strictly.
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09Oh, God!
26:10You were almost right when you said Waitrose.
26:12Yeah, on Escalator in Marks & Spencer in Norwich.
26:16Wow.
26:16It's not the first time someone's gone into M&S and thought,
26:18well, that's a little deer.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:22APPLAUSE
26:24Next.
26:24Clouds flock to see buffalo what?
26:28Soldier.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:32No, it's a bit long.
26:33That looks like Donald Trump.
26:35Oh, you're...
26:36LAUGHTER
26:36The albino buffalo lives on a farm in Bangladesh.
26:39Here it is.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:45Finally, fox with what?
26:47Sought by police for what?
26:49Fox with independent income,
26:51sought by police for no-strings relationship.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:56Fox with mouthful of sausages,
26:58sought by police for barbecue theft.
27:01Here is the culprit.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04It's either stolen sausages or it's bitten King Charles' hand off.
27:07LAUGHTER
27:08And so the final scores are, Paul and Judy on four,
27:11Ian and Phil, seven.
27:12APPLAUSE
27:17But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
27:20Ian and Phil, you have this.
27:22Oh, there's the new HS2 train.
27:29Paul and Judy, you get this.
27:31A woman behind saying,
27:32Brace yourself, Doris!
27:35LAUGHTER
27:38She could be saying,
27:39Look, this is the last one I'm removing.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:45On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Phil Wang,
27:48Paul Merton and Judy Love.
27:49And I leave you with news that, as the Labour leadership contest intensifies,
27:53the whole nation is agog with excitement.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:57In Beijing, President Xi explains to his guests
28:00that the trapdoor to his shark tank is just a couple of feet to the left.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:08And at a charity event in Cheltenham,
28:10an unexpected gust of wind lifts Joanna Lumley's skirt above the knee.
28:15LAUGHTER
28:18Goodnight.
28:31APPLAUSE
28:32Two things to watch on iPlayer, swapping rockets for political power.
28:36It's the next chapter of the Elon Musk show,
28:39while Stephen Nolan's on the front line with officers policing Belfast.
28:42Peelers, the PNSI, for real. Available now.
28:45APPLAUSE
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