- 7 weeks ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good and gracious me!
00:30Right, everyone ready to order?
00:33Yes, Dad.
00:34Yes, Dad.
00:35I think I'm going to have the pizza.
00:37Yeah, me too.
00:38What are you going to add, Mum?
00:40I'm not hungry.
00:41What?
00:42Have a pizza, Mum?
00:43They're supposed to be really good at this place.
00:45Pizza?
00:46What is pizza?
00:47Why should I pay people for pizza when I can make it at home for nothing?
00:51Or what?
00:52Of course I can make pizza.
00:54All I need is tomato, atta, paneer, and a small aubergine.
01:01But it's not the same thing, is it?
01:03What?
01:04Now your mother can't cook?
01:05Oh, okay, okay.
01:06Forget pizza.
01:07How's spaghetti?
01:08Spaghetti?
01:09I can make at home.
01:10No, you can't!
01:11You haven't got any spaghetti at home, have we?
01:15I can just cut the roti into very thin strips.
01:18All I need is kheena, tomato, paneer, and a small aubergine.
01:23Every time we go out, it's the same.
01:25I've had enough.
01:26Chalo.
01:27Wait up.
01:28Call us a taxi.
01:29Outside!
01:34Taxi?
01:35Taxi I can make at home.
01:37All I need is a car, a driver, and a small aubergine.
01:46Eaglete to control.
01:49Looking good.
01:50Roger, Eaglete.
01:51I'm gonna move you on.
01:53J-call system for final approach.
01:55Chalo.
01:56Briggs.
01:57Chalo.
01:58Chalo.
01:59Chalo.
02:00Chalo.
02:01Chalo.
02:02Chalo.
02:03Chalo.
02:04Chalo.
02:05Chalo.
02:06Chalo.
02:07Chalo.
02:08Chalo.
02:09Chalo.
02:10Chalo.
02:11Chalo.
02:12Chalo.
02:14Chalo.
02:15Sanjeev Austin.
02:16Rickshaw test pilot.
02:17A man barely alive.
02:19We can rebuild him.
02:21We have the power.
02:22We have the capability.
02:23We don't have the ideal exchange rate.
02:25Yes.
02:26Sanjeev Austin is the six million rupee man.
02:31Oscar.
02:32Sanjeev.
02:33Sanjeev.
02:34Sanjeev.
02:35Sanjeev.
02:36Sanjeev.
02:37Sanjeev.
02:38Sanjeev.
02:39You rebuilt me.
02:40Muchas gracias.
02:41Yeah. At a cost of six million rupees.
02:45It's only $150,000.
02:47Possibly more on the black market.
02:49So, um, faster, stronger, better than I was before, huh?
02:53Well, no.
02:55What's my first mission?
02:56Sanjeev asked him. Your first mission is to buy some groceries.
03:07I'd like some sugar, please.
03:09I'm afraid we don't have any.
03:16Yes, you do. Behind you on the shelf.
03:22Wow! How did you see that?
03:26My bionic eye enables me to see objects.
03:32Would you like a bag?
03:35No, thanks.
03:36My bionic arm enables me to carry small items of shopping.
03:40Sanjeev Austin, you have successfully completed your first mission.
04:01This tea tastes much better with sugar.
04:04Yeah, that's great, Oscar.
04:06But where are those little plastic stirrers we used to have?
04:09You're standing on them, big guy.
04:10You mean they're under my feet?
04:12No. You made your legs out of them.
04:13It's not just a sort.
04:23I don't even know what they are doing.
04:33Oh, hello, Simon.
04:36Very good, very good.
04:37Sit, sit, sit.
04:39So, you two boys been out chasing girls again tonight?
04:45You know, you can't go in like that forever.
04:47I used to think about settling down now a little bit.
04:50Simon, you should help him.
04:52Help him find a nice girl.
04:56Look, Mum, Dad, there is something we need to talk about.
05:01How can I put it?
05:02Um, you've seen my, uh, record collection.
05:06Oh, yes, he has hundreds of records.
05:08Yes, they're all by Judy Garland.
05:10Oh, no, no, no, no.
05:13Also, you have, uh, Shirley Bassey, Gloria Gaynor.
05:16Village people.
05:17Village people.
05:17Exactly.
05:19Do you see what I'm saying?
05:20Uh, no.
05:23Don't you think it's a bit odd that I never bought any girlfriends home?
05:26Well, you're a good boy.
05:28Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:29I have never had any girlfriends.
05:31Because you're waiting for the right girl to come along.
05:34No, no, I ain't waiting for any girl.
05:36Oh, well, there's no rush.
05:38Ah, you're very busy.
05:40Look, we, we live together.
05:44Fun, isn't it?
05:45I think we live with 400 other men in the army.
05:48No, no, no, no, no.
05:49No, no, no, no.
05:49Uh, me and Simon sleep together.
05:52All right?
05:53Morecambe and Y slept together.
05:55Laurel and Ardio.
05:56Oh, my teens.
05:57Oh, my teens.
05:57Oh, my teens.
05:58Oh, my teens.
05:59Okay.
06:00I'm gay, okay?
06:01And so am I.
06:02What?
06:03Both of you?
06:04Oh, my God.
06:06My son is a lesbian.
06:08You go to your room and don't come back until you're not of the gay.
06:14Simon is my life partner.
06:16We're madly in love.
06:17We enjoy a full physical relationship.
06:19Oi, oi, oi.
06:20Oi, oi, oi.
06:21Mum, Dad.
06:23Don't get upset.
06:24You'll get used to it.
06:25Look, I'm just, I'm still the same person.
06:28But, Simon, you couldn't have found a nice Indian boy?
06:39Excuse me, this cheese.
06:41Yes, madam.
06:42I can make it at home for nothing.
06:46No!
06:51It's impossible!
06:52Hello, sweeties.
06:53Hello.
06:54Hey, bud.
06:55Hey, bud.
06:56Hey, bud.
06:57Hey, bud.
06:58Hey, bud.
06:59Hey, bud.
07:00Now, kids.
07:01I've got a surprise for you.
07:02Hooray!
07:03What is it?
07:04What is it?
07:05You know how you're always on at me to get you a pet?
07:06Yes.
07:07Well, I got one.
07:09What is that?
07:10Dogs?
07:11No, no.
07:12You see, dogs are very dirty animals.
07:13They smell.
07:14They leave their hair all over the place.
07:16You know?
07:17And also, they do their toilet on the carpet.
07:19Oh, Hindus don't really keep dogs.
07:21It's the cat.
07:22Cat.
07:23No, no.
07:24You see, cats are also very dirty animals.
07:25Huh?
07:26They do their toilet on a tray in the kitchen.
07:28Come with me.
07:29Come with me.
07:30Close your eyes.
07:31Close your eyes.
07:32Close, close.
07:33Come on.
07:34Come on.
07:35Come on.
07:36Come on.
07:37Come on.
07:38Keep your eyes closed.
07:39Keep your eyes closed.
07:40Hey, don't open.
07:41Don't open.
07:42Come on.
07:43Step, step, step.
07:44Come on, darling.
07:45Okay.
07:46And...
07:47Open.
07:49Kids.
07:50Daisy.
07:51A cow.
07:53Actually, Daisy is a mad cow.
07:55You know, she's going to be killed by those barbarian westerners.
07:58But with a little help from the temple, I have sailed her.
08:01Gosh.
08:02I know what you're going to say.
08:03But cows are very clean animals.
08:05They do their toilet outside.
08:07They give milk.
08:08They till the land.
08:09They're very loyal.
08:10Come on, Stoker.
08:11Come.
08:12You don't want a cow.
08:13Don't want one.
08:14Shut up.
08:15Come and play with the cow.
08:16Come on.
08:17Fetch, please.
08:18Fetch.
08:19Get this cow off my doorstep.
08:20God, get the stick.
08:21She'll fetch it this time.
08:22No, she won't.
08:23She just eats.
08:24That's all she does.
08:33Apart from that.
08:35Okay.
08:36Well, as responsible pet owners, I think we ought to pick that up, put it in a little bag and
08:40throw it away.
08:41Okay.
08:42I'm going in.
08:43No way.
08:44Help me with this shit.
08:50Damn glass, look at me now.
08:51I'm building up my problems to the size of a cow.
08:56Oh, oh, oh.
09:00The size of a cow.
09:02Let's dream.
09:04Heat.
09:05Heat.
09:06Stop.
09:08Damn glass, look at me.
09:11Oh, oh, oh.
09:14Oh, oh, oh.
09:17Come on, everybody, only four months to home, come on.
09:47Help me, help me, I just run you there.
09:51Heel it, heel it.
09:54One, two.
09:55One, two, three, two, three, two, three, two, three.
09:57We've got six-year-old female collapsed with chest pains 20 minutes ago.
10:00Have you got pictures? Right here.
10:01Right, I want 20 micrograms of the hospital, five milligrams of the morphine.
10:04People say you have 50.
10:05Starting oxygen.
10:06Gotta get into a theatre.
10:07She's coming round, Doctor.
10:08You're in hospital, Mrs. Bebe, you've had a heart attack.
10:10We're gonna have to perform a bypass operation.
10:12No, no, no, I can perform bypass operation at home.
10:17A piece of artery, a sharp knife, and a small...
10:23Oh.
10:28I'm sure you'll love it.
10:29I'll just get your receipt.
10:31Thank you very much.
10:37Uncle!
10:38Raju, Sangeeta, how are you?
10:40Good to see you, Uncle.
10:41How are you?
10:42Good, good, yes, yes.
10:43You buying holiday from these people?
10:44Yes.
10:45We're going away.
10:46Why didn't you come to me?
10:47Because you're not a travel agent, Uncle.
10:49But I can get you a cheaper.
10:50Oh.
10:51We've booked already.
10:52You don't worry.
10:53Uncle, we've got the tickets.
10:54Oh, very good.
10:55No, Uncle.
10:56Uncle.
10:57Uncle, really, please.
10:58Don't worry.
10:59Don't insult me.
11:00Don't worry.
11:04You leave everything to me.
11:06Raju, you go to the airport.
11:08You tell them you are Mr. Makija.
11:1064 years old, travelling to Delhi.
11:13But we want to go to Tenerife.
11:14Shut.
11:15Two weeks later, you go to the airport.
11:17You tell them you are Mr. Makija.
11:2064 years old, travelling to Calcutta.
11:23But he'll be in Delhi.
11:24No, I won't.
11:25Shut.
11:26Because he's a ring.
11:27Shut.
11:28You want cheap holiday?
11:29I'll be good for you.
11:30No, we don't want a cheap holiday, Uncle.
11:31We want a nice holiday in Tenerife together.
11:33Dad.
11:34I know about these things.
11:35It's better if you go separately.
11:37We have to go together.
11:39Don't worry.
11:40Uncle.
11:41We have to go together because I'm ovulating
11:44and we're trying for a baby.
11:46There.
11:47You happy now?
11:48You want a baby?
11:51Why didn't you come to me?
11:56I can get you much cheaper.
12:01Funty is the man that I've been waiting for.
12:15I met him through my cousin's brother's son.
12:21And after just one date in Pizza Hut,
12:26I knew that for me he was the one.
12:31Funty's been my lover now for six long years.
12:37I'm the English girl he never takes a side.
12:43And now I hear his mother's chosen him.
12:48A village virgin for his brand new bride.
12:53Isn't he good?
12:55Lying good.
12:56Isn't he fine?
12:57What a big shoot.
12:58Isn't he crazy?
13:00He will be mine.
13:04But in the end he needs someone who is just like me.
13:09He needs security.
13:11He needs me just to practice shaking all night well.
13:16I love the way he smiles at me so tenderly.
13:26I won't miss his skid mugs or his smelly breath.
13:33He must be clever, he's a pharmacist.
13:37His brainless chatter bores me off to death.
13:42I wonder if he's had a lot of girlfriends.
13:49I wonder if the poor girl knows the score.
13:55But I'll forgive him, he's my husband soon.
14:00I'd like to nail his scrotum to the floor.
14:05What a dickhead, and who are you?
14:08I wish he was dead, this can't be true.
14:11He lied to me, and he could lie to you.
14:17But in the end he needs a little bit more than me.
14:22More than a gory.
14:24He told me that I was the only one.
14:27I know him too well.
14:29While you've got 50 years to change him.
14:34I know him too well.
14:39If you wanted money, you should have come to me.
14:46No, Uncle, I'm ready.
14:47No problem.
14:48No.
14:49I can get you much cheaper.
14:50Fine, Uncle.
14:51So sweet.
14:53You don't worry about it.
14:54Don't insult me.
14:55Don't insult me.
14:56It's okay.
14:57Don't worry.
14:58Don't worry.
14:59Don't worry.
15:00Don't worry.
15:01Don't worry.
15:07Miss Saffner, hi.
15:09Thanks for coming.
15:10Hello.
15:11Did you get a chance to look at the script?
15:13Yes, yeah.
15:14Excellent.
15:15That's great.
15:16Listen, sit down.
15:17Thanks.
15:18Okay, now, as you know, your character is a traditional Indian girl
15:23who's been beaten up by her father and six brothers for running away from home.
15:28And she's ended up as a sort of drug-abusing prostitute,
15:32living on the streets and having to sort of fend for herself.
15:37Now, it's set in Glasgow, so what I'm looking for, really,
15:40is a broad Scottish accent with just a trace of Indian in there, yeah?
15:45I'll try.
15:46Listen, that's great.
15:48I'll tell you what, I'll read in Keith, that's her pimp,
15:52and you wouldn't mind reading in Nazneen...
15:56Nazneen Suleiman.
15:57That's Nazneen Suleiman. Sorry.
16:00That's all right.
16:01OK. Right, let's give it a whirl, shall we?
16:07So, you little bitch!
16:09Thought you could get away with ripping me off, did you?
16:11Well, no-one does that to me!
16:21That's great. Thanks for having me.
16:27Please, please, you've embarrassed me enough for one second.
16:32Get it in the garden.
16:34Go.
16:34OK.
16:36Oh, my God.
16:38Oh, God, what's happened?
16:39We've been burgled.
16:41But...
16:41But I thought all the windows and doors were locked?
16:43They were!
16:44Well, how did they get in, then?
16:46Maybe through the...
16:47Cow flap.
16:48Oh, my God.
16:48Oh, my God.
16:49I don't know.
16:50You say...
16:52Cow flap?
16:53Cow flap.
16:54Cow flap?
16:55You mean, like a cat flap?
17:00Yes.
17:00It's kind of a...
17:01It's kind of a...
17:02It's kind of a...
17:02So, hard enough for a cow?
17:03It's so hard enough for a cow, do you think?
17:08Obviously, and smaller things like TVs, fridges, videos and that.
17:15You know, the average size of a cow.
17:17Of all the stupid...
17:19What possessed you to put in a bloody cow flap?
17:22Look, right, I thought it'd be easier for the cow if she could come and go as she pleased,
17:26you know, for her toilet and so forth.
17:27Oh, God, I knew this was a bad idea.
17:29Why have I got such a buddhu for a husband?
17:31You'll upset Daisy.
17:32Look at her, she's upset already.
17:33Oh, my God!
17:40Oh, my God!
17:45What the hell's keeping them?
18:12We're lucky to have got a kidney at all.
18:15Right.
18:16Come on, people.
18:17Let's go.
18:18Don't touch that!
18:21Hello, Uncle.
18:22If you wanted a kidney, why didn't you come to me?
18:27Oh, that's very funny.
18:28I've got to go to you much deeper.
18:30Really, we're very busy.
18:31I've got to go very sick.
18:32Women, you have needs.
18:33Don't insult me.
18:34Don't insult me.
18:35Don't insult me.
18:36Don't insult me.
18:37Don't worry.
18:38Leave it to me.
18:40No.
18:41Rubbish.
18:44This is fierce, man.
18:45I can't believe that you got tickets for the Oprah Winfrey show.
18:46Man, I didn't even know she was in the country, innit?
18:47Well, my uncle works in TV, innit?
18:49What?
18:50Oh, massive, man.
18:51What channel?
18:52All of them.
18:53Eh?
18:54He's a repairman, innit?
18:55I love Oprah, man.
18:56When I grow up, right, I want to be like Oprah.
18:57Yeah.
18:58You mean a middle-aged black woman with a weight problem?
18:59No, man.
19:00Like rich and successful and like a TV mogul, innit?
19:01She's the richest woman in the world, man.
19:02Whoa.
19:03Yeah, man.
19:04You mean a middle-aged black woman with a weight problem?
19:05No, man.
19:06Like rich and successful and like a TV mogul, innit?
19:11She's the richest woman in the world, man.
19:12Whoa.
19:13Yeah, man.
19:14That is because right chat shows are massively popular.
19:15But do you know what?
19:16Is it because of the Manellian acts caused by the disillusion of the commonly held value
19:36system, innit?
19:37value system you been do is because right a problem ad is a problem is shared
19:48it's good to talk people got problems they want to chat about in it you mean
19:54like that everyone so what's your problem man
20:01now we've had our problems in it she can make the audience relate to each other
20:23that's why she's the best man better than Ricky like easy better than Montel yeah no problem
20:31Esther even Esther man who do you think right would win in a fight what kind of stupid question
20:44is that man Oprah would kick their sorry talk show butts man she's the best man yeah have you ever
20:52wondered right why there's no Asian talk show host no but it's a good question in it because
20:58it's because it wouldn't work in it why not man imagine it guy on tonight's program women who
21:05run off with their husbands sisters husbands and here's your host auntie frame auntie comes on first
21:12thing she does give everyone a couple man and then she's a right total bestie man you women ain't got
21:20no shame down my studio putt-a-putt yeah and I leave it to Oprah I think she's coming on man
21:28man she look different from the TV in it what what what what what what you mean finger no man why
21:40man are you sure these are Oprah tickets
21:50oh
21:51oh
21:53oh
21:54oh
21:55oh
21:57oh
21:58oh
21:59oh
22:00oh
22:01oh
22:02oh
22:03oh
22:04oh
22:05oh
22:06oh
22:07oh
22:08oh
22:09oh
22:13oh
22:15no
22:28no it's not too late no no it's not too late not too late you don't come to you don't
22:30worry you don't worry about it hi
22:32The show where I follow the travelers as they leave the rat race behind in search of action, adventure and spiritual awakening.
22:43And on this week's show, we have a group of Delhi students who have taken a year off to go traveling around the UK.
22:49Hi!
22:50Here we are, here in England, a couple of hours in and already, we're experiencing major differences in culture.
23:10The English train system is a bit primitive. I mean, you never know how long you have to wait.
23:14Yeah, some journeys can take days.
23:17See, what you have to understand is that the pace of life here is much slower.
23:21More relaxed, huh?
23:22No, just slower.
23:23What is the most famous garden in the world?
23:26Yes, London's famous convent garden.
23:30We've been here a few days now.
23:33How are you getting on?
23:34Oh, it's fab.
23:35I love it, man.
23:36Me too.
23:37Well, apart from the beggars, that is.
23:39Oh, yeah.
23:41I mean, people did warn us that begging in England was pretty bad, you know, but we never expected anything like that.
23:47It's really difficult, you know, because you feel you ought to try and help.
23:50Yeah, but there's so many of them, you know, and if you give to one, you have to give to them all.
23:57Here we are, the local bazaar, where your ordinary housewife comes and does her shopping.
24:04The food here is very different from what we're used to.
24:07I would advise people not to buy from street vendors. It's not safe.
24:11Avoid the meat completely.
24:12You know, the meat is really too quiet.
24:14And if you want water, you have to have bottled water.
24:17They are the same everywhere in Europe.
24:21The girls have been doing a bit of shopping.
24:24How are you doing, lady?
24:26I think we're doing okay.
24:28The thing is to try and not look like a tourist, right?
24:30Otherwise, they just try and rip you off.
24:32I know.
24:33Oh, Mira, look at this.
24:34I must have one.
24:35Let me handle it.
24:36Excuse me, how much is this?
24:42It's 30 pence, love.
24:44Oh, come on, don't charge us tourist prices.
24:46How much would you charge a local?
24:48It's 30p, love.
24:50He's just trying it on you.
24:51Look, I'll give you 20p for it.
24:53That's all we've got.
24:54Listen, evening standard's 30p.
24:56It's a quiet, tranquil, spiritual.
25:04You know, I think there's something almost religious about these places.
25:08I have gathered that you have undergone a bit of a conversion.
25:12Yes.
25:14I've become COV.
25:16I don't know what you're thinking.
25:17But it's more than a religion.
25:19It's a way of life.
25:20It seems to me that you've found your feet.
25:25What advice would you give other travelers during the UK?
25:28Well, make sure you've had your jabs, damn it.
25:30I've had runny nose since day one.
25:31Oh, come on, what?
25:32You can't come to England and not expect to get the flu.
25:35I think what I heard one other women about is the men.
25:39Oh, yeah, definitely.
25:40The attitude towards women is really bad.
25:42Yeah?
25:42I mean, everywhere we go, they just stare at us, right?
25:45I think they assume because we're Indian, we're some sort of Kamasutra Asian babes.
25:50This is me that we're just not used to seeing foreigners.
25:53Oh, come on, yaar.
25:54We've gone out of our way to blend in.
25:58For the last few weeks, you have been all over UK.
26:01What have been the highlights of your visit?
26:03Stratford-upon-Avon was my favorite.
26:06What about Oxford?
26:08Oh, I loved Oxford.
26:09Yeah, these places are all really nice, huh?
26:11But to see the real England, you have to go to the villages.
26:13Yeah.
26:15I spent a week traveling around a place called Surrey,
26:18and it was a different world, absolutely.
26:19I found a small village called Guildford.
26:22Do you know something?
26:23There were some people there who've never even seen a brown face.
26:26Oh.
26:27Well, here we are.
26:30It's our last day, and we're going to the airport.
26:33Listen, guys, I'm not coming back, Vijaya.
26:36Dad, I just feel that this is my spiritual home.
26:39Yes.
26:40In what way?
26:41Well, I met a group of travelers that came in the 60s, you know,
26:44and they kind of just stayed and formed their own subsistence community.
26:48I will stay with them.
26:49Yes, but will you be happy?
26:50Oh, I mean, just look at this place.
26:53I mean, who wouldn't be happy here?
26:55There's no pressures of home, no universities,
26:58no looking for a good job, no parents.
27:01It's like paradise.
27:28là !
27:28Right, so what are you going to be cooking for us today?
27:39Foie gras, chili con carne, beef wellington, lobster thermidor, pizza, baked Alaska, ruffles
27:47and cheese.
27:48Well that sounds really fantastic, can we look at your ingredients?
27:53Goodness gracious me!
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