- 2 months ago
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you so much for joining us.
00:30I tell you, man, this place has changed totally.
00:37Well, man, that is what happens when you don't come to school for a year, innit?
00:40You know what? When we started coming here, I don't reckon there were as many Asian kids as there are now, you know?
00:47That, man, is because there is a general and massive fold increase in the number of brown people in the world, including our school.
00:54Why's that, man?
00:55Because everybody's been cross-breeding with each other, innit?
01:00Not with us, they ain't, man.
01:07But shut up and listen to what I'm telling you, right?
01:10There is a global, pan-continental, interracial, Russman-I festival going on.
01:16Facts, right? In the year 2050, everyone on the earth will be brown because of interracial mixing.
01:21Yeah! Like crayons!
01:25What?
01:26Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, it's true. You remember when we were kids, yeah?
01:30And you get all the different crayons, and then you mash them up all together, yeah?
01:33Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You mix the crayons and they come out brown.
01:37Nah! You eat the crayons and then they come out brown.
01:40Kiss my chaddies, man! That is both wrong and disgusting!
01:47What I'm telling you is a beautiful thing.
01:49Where all the peoples of the world become a global tribe, rejoicing in the glory of their newfound brownness.
01:56So, what you're saying is, right, that everyone's going to be Asian.
02:00That is what I'm saying.
02:01Oh, that's going to be a massive problem, man!
02:03What are you talking about now?
02:04If everyone in the world is Asian, who can I smoke in front of without my mum finding out?
02:09That's a small price to pay for racial harmony.
02:15What about the cricket team? If everyone's Asian, who will we play?
02:21There will be one big team, consisting of everybody, and everyone in the world will take it in turns to be captain.
02:28Same as now, then?
02:30Yeah, but you've got to think about the massively positive aspects of Asia World, man.
02:34What's that, man?
02:35Well, for example, all shops will be permanently open.
02:38And you won't have to spend ages waiting for a doctor, because you'll probably be one.
02:45Yes, man, yes!
02:47But best of all, right, in Asia World, there will be no more wars.
02:52The whole planet will be ruled over in peace and tranquility by one all-powerful leader, the Richard Branson of Asia World.
03:00Who's that, man?
03:02The part of the Pickle family, innit?
03:03I love tandoori cooking.
03:14How do you think they get that incredible colour?
03:17Well, they use a traditional clay oven, you see.
03:19Hello, dear.
03:33Hi.
03:34All on your own, eh?
03:36Yes, I was once shy like you.
03:41You know, back home when we wanted to win a man's heart, there was only one way to do it.
03:47What was that?
03:49Dance, of course.
03:50The dance of love, the dance of seduction.
03:54Nothing inflames a man's passions more than the ancient Punjabi dance handed down from mothers to daughters across countless generations.
04:03Will you show me?
04:05Come, let us release your untapped sensuality.
04:28It's working.
04:30Dance like the wind!
04:31You know, I really respect you.
04:39Yeah?
04:40But you're a young, educated, professional Asian woman who's broken away from all those old traditional gender roles.
04:48And you've got great kicks and all.
04:53Check, please.
04:54Chanky Lafunga is the heartthrob veteran of over 4,000 Bollywood films.
05:01He's now in Britain, hoping to make the same impact on the rest of the audiences.
05:06I know you!
05:07Chanky Lafunga is the heartthrob veteran of over 4,000 Bollywood films.
05:08I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:09I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:10I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:11I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:12I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:13I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:14I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:15I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:16I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:17I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:18I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:19I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:20I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:21I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:22I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:23I know you've got great kicks and all.
05:24Lupercay!
05:54Ha ha ha ha ha!
05:59Aram Sara!
06:00Let me go to my town!
06:02Buster!
06:13Ma!
06:14Ma!
06:15Ma!
06:16Ma!
06:17Ma!
06:18Ma!
06:19Ma!
06:20Ma!
06:21Ech kam karo!
06:24Ma!
06:25Aap ki kasam!
06:27Main badala zroo looga!
06:30Ma!
06:31Ma!
06:32Lekin phili!
06:34Kam kam!
06:39Nahii!
06:42I caught up with him on the set of his latest movie adaptation of a Jane Austen classic.
06:51So Chanki, to what do you attribute your phenomenal Bollywood success?
06:57So sorry.
06:58Your eyes, er, they mesmerise me.
07:03Of course, my fans really, er, love me.
07:06They are the secret of my success.
07:11Sweetie, darling, darling, mozzarella, eh?
07:15You know, the girls really go crazy when I give them the look.
07:22The look?
07:23The look?
07:24What's the look?
07:25Ha!
07:26Well, sweetie, darling, it goes something like this.
07:30Ha!
07:31Ha!
07:32Ha!
07:33Ha!
07:34Ha!
07:35Ha!
07:36Getting a bit hot down the collar.
07:37Very, very hot, as you can imagine.
07:39I can feel it, I can feel it.
07:42If you think it's going to be difficult to adapt this Bollywood style of movie acting to Western period drama.
07:49No.
07:51But isn't it true to say that Bollywood films tend to be rather stylized with an emphasis on melodrama and heightened external emotion as opposed to the sort of internal characters of the Western tradition?
08:03Ha!
08:04Ha!
08:05Ha!
08:06Ha!
08:07Ha!
08:08Ha!
08:09Ha!
08:10Ha!
08:11Ha!
08:12Ha!
08:13Ha!
08:14Ha!
08:15Ha!
08:16Ha!
08:17Ma'am, Mr Darcy is here.
08:21May I present him?
08:22Are very well, Hopkins.
08:25YAAAAA!
08:28I love you!
08:30Mr. Darcy, it was a presumptuous visit.
09:00So romantic, holding hands under the table.
09:14Jack, please!
09:18Oh, don't worry about me, Dad. The train's very safe.
09:21I'll be in Paris before you know it.
09:23Oh, you enjoy yourself. And send us a postcard, huh?
09:27Mum, are you going to say goodbye?
09:30But... Paris? Why, you want to go to Paris?
09:34But I can make it at home, but I...
09:38When I come back home, I'll be rude to you for a week and I'll spit in your food.
09:42Then we can make a hole in the ground for you to do your toilet.
09:46Say, tell her!
09:47Oh, leave me out of this.
09:48Here, take this.
09:51That'll be ten pounds, please. What more Paris?
09:54Mum, will you just leave it?
09:56Ah, look how French I am. I'm wearing a silly berry.
10:01It's an aubergine.
10:03Sorry, no speak English. Je parle, only Francais.
10:06Alouette, junte alouette. Alouette.
10:15According to your card, the privilege of the next dance is mine.
10:19So, do you have any trouble finding us?
10:38No, straight through on the A-10 and then the B-3-1-1-8.
10:53Late arrivals.
10:54That'll be the neighbours.
10:55Oh, no blood.
10:57No blood.
10:58Yes, and they're very keen to blend in.
11:00Guys, this is Sergit.
11:02Stingham!
11:03And Vanessa!
11:07Ah, I love the costumes. What made you choose then?
11:10Well, you did say that you were swingers.
11:12Four?
11:16I'm sure there'll be plenty of time for foursomes later on.
11:24Hello.
11:25I'm glad to hear it.
11:26Vanessa's been up all morning polishing my wood.
11:35Yes, well, I wouldn't have had to if you didn't take such big divots with it.
11:44Yeah, well, anyway, I suppose actually you'd be wanting to mingle and let your hair down.
11:48Actually, there's a couple of people here who I'm sure you're going to get along with really well.
11:51Oi, Sergita!
11:54Dennis, you're a party animal.
11:58Ah, I see you're old friends.
11:59Ha, ha, ha, yes, yes.
12:01Why did you both make it?
12:03Don't mention it all, Fruity.
12:05I see the baby's up a bit late.
12:08Oh, it's not a baby, Dennis.
12:11He knew that.
12:13Great.
12:14I expect you'll find this whole scene very tame.
12:17Yes.
12:18I expect you get up to some pretty exotic things where you come from.
12:20What? You mean next door?
12:23I mean, er, you know, you can probably teach us a lot of thing or two, eh?
12:27We British were so sexually inhibited, don't you think?
12:30Er, yes, we are.
12:33I'm very inhibited, er, sexually.
12:36So is Dennis, aren't you, dear?
12:41I was just saying, Dennis, how sexually backward you are.
12:43Oh, yes, completely useless.
12:45Er, there again, there's nothing more British than a good orgy.
12:50Er, I should co-co.
12:53Er, yes, we're always having orgies at our place.
12:56Very naughty, very British.
12:58Well, our house is a cesspit of sexual degradation.
13:02Well, Sinton is frequently beside himself with sexual rage.
13:08Don't you think you've had enough, dear?
13:09You wish.
13:11Er, if it's an orgy you're after, we'll jump in any time.
13:16What, sir?
13:17Fill the bath with baked beans, eh?
13:19Chain me to something painful.
13:22Spank me hard and call me Barbara.
13:25How about a bit of wife-swapping?
13:27What, swapping, swapping?
13:28Er, a set of screwdivers for Charlotte?
13:31I knew our Asian guests would spice up the party.
13:35What?
13:36You have Asian guests?
13:38Oh, 20.
13:40We really should be going.
13:42Hang on, what about the orgy?
13:44What, with Asian people?
13:46You bummer.
13:47Disgusting.
13:49Go on, we're leaving.
13:50We're leaving.
13:53Well, basically, we've been continuously harassed ever since we got married.
14:02Since we got married, that's right.
14:04Yeah.
14:06It's been stones through the window, excrement through the letterbox.
14:10Threats.
14:12The bad threats.
14:14Basically, they've just made our lives a living hell.
14:16What do you think is the reason for this persecution?
14:20Well, it's because I'm Muslim and he's Hindu.
14:26I'm not Hindu.
14:28I thought you were.
14:30Hmm.
14:34I wonder what it is then.
14:38Namaste, namaste.
14:40Welcome, one and all.
14:42I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
14:44And this is my ashram.
14:46Here you'll find peace, spiritual harmony, and inner enlightenment.
14:51All for a very reasonable £120 per night, including breakfast, dinner, food, and ashram.
14:56The first thing you must do on entering the ashram is to shed the cares of the outside world.
15:05Which are symbolized by your clothes.
15:08So, get them off!
15:10Yeah, you're not a man.
15:13Your cares are symbolized by your watches and your credit cards.
15:17And you may shed those in that little hut over there.
15:20Off you go.
15:22And take this blessing with you.
15:23.
15:25.
15:26.
15:27.
15:28.
15:29.
15:30.
15:31.
15:32.
15:33Now, as you sit before me, as God intended,
15:37in your frilly underwear,
15:40the healing process can begin.
15:44Firstly, I will cleanse your auras by waving my hands in a strange and mysterious fashion above your heads.
15:51.
15:52.
15:53.
15:54.
15:55.
15:56.
15:57.
15:58.
15:59.
16:00.
16:01.
16:02.
16:03.
16:04.
16:05.
16:06.
16:07.
16:08.
16:09.
16:10Next, I will locate your chakra.
16:11This is the center of your spiritual power.
16:13Each person is in a different part of their body.
16:16Yours, my dear, is in the...
16:18Perhaps we could examine it more closely later.
16:228.30, my heart. You like New World Chardonnay?
16:25Yours, what else?
16:27Yours, I think, is located with the men.
16:29Go, go, go, go.
16:37In a moment, I will run my hands over your newly cleansed auras.
16:41Now, sometimes the healing process can feel quite intense.
16:46So that it may feel like I'm actually caressing and stroking your firm young bodies.
16:51But I assure you, this is not the case.
16:54And I want you to show your faith in me by reaching out with your hearts, your souls and your writing hands.
17:03And signing this legally binding disclaimer.
17:08Now, to create the correct mood for chakra location, I will play a traditional tantric incantation.
17:16Never going to give a year.
17:28Right, son, there's nowhere to run.
17:30Just turn around nice and slowly with your hands on your head.
17:33Come on, pal, don't do anything silly.
17:35Good, thanks.
18:46Oh, hello.
19:03Fancy seeing you here.
19:05Hello, yes.
19:06I don't usually shop here.
19:08No, my son normally drives me to the West End.
19:11Oh, so does mine.
19:13And he pays for my shopping.
19:17Well, the only reason I'm here is, you see, I have to go to mother care.
19:21My son has provided me with another grandchild.
19:26What about your son, still firing blanks?
19:31Actually, my son is very fertile.
19:34Oh, really?
19:34Oh, yes, really.
19:36Only last month he went to the clinic to get his sperm counted.
19:40Oh.
19:41And what did they find?
19:42They're still counting.
19:43Well, my son also went to the clinic, but they didn't bother with counting it.
19:50No?
19:51No, they just weighed it.
19:52Well, actually, my son's wife is pregnant with triplets, all boys.
20:05Well, see, my son's wife is also pregnant, only three weeks after dropping the last one.
20:11Also triplets, also all boys and all, ooh, doctors.
20:15Well, um, as soon as my son's wife has had the quads, they will immediately enter the
20:24family business, leaving my son free to impregnate his wife on a full-time basis.
20:29Oh.
20:30Well, you see, my son is so fertile that he doesn't have to be at home to impregnate his
20:36wife, no.
20:37He can do it from the office by email.
20:42Okay.
20:45Let me tell you how fertile my son is.
20:48Oh.
20:48The U.S. Congress has commissioned him to repopulate the whole of Alaska.
20:54Buy a satellite link-up, catch it on cable, help of you.
20:59Well, you've heard of the Asian population crisis, huh?
21:03My son, working from home.
21:07Well.
21:07And if you wish to inquire about his dunder, it's enormous.
21:10Yes.
21:15You know, you really are a mysterious woman.
21:18You really intrigue me.
21:20Oh.
21:21Why is that?
21:22Well, how does a dusky beauty like you grow blonde moustache?
21:25I can't take it anymore, Lollaline.
21:35I know what's been going on between you and your long-lost second cousin who suddenly arrived
21:39from New Zealand.
21:40And I'm not sharing a house with that guy anymore.
21:44Now, either he racks off or I do.
21:46Oh, Dwayne, don't be such a jerk.
21:48He's just a friend, that's all.
21:51He's here.
21:52Oh, please, don't do anything stupid.
21:56Listen, mate.
21:58It's time we had a talk.
22:00Thank you, thank you.
22:22Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, lovely, lovely.
22:24Did you get it?
22:25Did you get it, huh?
22:26Beautiful, gorgeous is my John.
22:29Beautiful, my Winnie bagel.
22:31Well done, David.
22:32Lovely, lovely, lovely.
22:34Time for a piece.
22:35Make up.
22:36Kashi, where are you?
22:37Lovely, lovely.
22:47Meow, pussycat.
22:49Meow.
22:50It's me, Smita Smitten Showbiz Kitten, crawling through the cat flap of controversy to bring
22:56you hot gossip from the grunge under the celebrity cooker.
22:59And tonight, my little feline nobodies, I have managed to penetrate the hottest party in town.
23:06Yeah, Bollywood director G.S. Chopra's birthday bash.
23:10It's showtime, pussycats.
23:12Meow.
23:14Hiya, baby.
23:17It's my favorite hero, Chunky Lafanga.
23:21Looking strangely wizened without his chest wig and platform boots.
23:25Let's go and talk to him.
23:28Mitaav!
23:29Same about the shoot, huh?
23:31Hi, Chunky.
23:32How's it hanging?
23:34Sorry, sweetie.
23:35No autographs.
23:39So, I hear there's been a certain amount of tension between you and Simple Patel on your
23:43latest movie.
23:44Care to comment?
23:46Who the hell are you?
23:47Any minute now, viewers, he's going to burst into laughter and give me a roguish hug.
23:55It's me, Smita.
23:59Remember?
24:00Smita, me, you.
24:02December 92, the photocopier.
24:05You!
24:06You bitch!
24:08How did you get in here?
24:10What a joker.
24:11And here comes Chunky's wife, Rekha, to clear up the confusion.
24:16You again?
24:17I told you to keep away from my husband, you slapper.
24:24Security!
24:25Security!
24:26Security!
24:28Don't worry, viewers.
24:30The cat always lands on her feet.
24:33Ow.
24:34This is Smita Smitten in G.S. Chopra's wheelie bin, saying good...
24:43Oh, look who it is.
24:45It's Art Malik.
24:52I'm chivalrous.
24:53Well, you never get that arse under the table otherwise.
24:59Please.
24:59Please.
25:00Hi, I've been there.
25:06Hi, cool.
25:07Want to come for a spin?
25:08Okay, cool.
25:09Jump in, innit?
25:11Ooh!
25:11Ooh!
25:12Ooh!
25:12Ooh!
25:13Ooh!
25:13Ooh!
25:13Ooh!
25:13Ooh!
25:14Ooh!
25:14Ooh!
25:15I'm a Punjabi girl
25:17In a Punjabi world
25:19I'm still single
25:21And I'm bilingual
25:22I've never cut my hair
25:24Or want cheap underwear
25:26My qualifications
25:28Good and well-education
25:30Come on, Binda, let's go, Bhangra!
25:32My husband, I'm a Punjabi girl
25:36I've never ventured
25:38Further than handsome
25:39I can go and clean each message
25:42Daddy and cuisine
25:43Do what I order
25:45Cos I'm a good daughter
25:47Brrrrra!
25:48My boyfriend, 23
25:50Drives a big foot free
25:52He's so cute and he's all so romantic
25:56You're my babe
25:57You're my bird
25:58Best you're seen and not heard
26:00Hurry up
26:01Now strip off
26:02Mine, my gear stick
26:03The girl
26:04You can look
26:05But keep it clean
26:07All my brothers
26:09But flick your screen
26:11Ooh!
26:11I'm a Punjabi girl
26:14In a Punjabi word
26:16Heads been catching
26:18Is all you're getting
26:20You can beg and sleep
26:21Fall down on your knees
26:23But no hanky-pack feet
26:26Until I start to eat
26:27Come on, Binda, let's go, Bhangra!
26:30Oh, oh, yeah!
26:31Come on, Binda, let's go, Bhangra!
26:34Oh, oh, oh, oh!
26:35Come on, Binda, let's go, Pizza!
26:37Oh, oh, okay!
26:39Come on, Binda, take your top off!
26:41Oh, no!
26:43What's this?
26:44I can pout, I can flirt
26:46Like a thick bit of skirt
26:48Let your man think they're God
26:50Said my mummy right ahead
26:52I can pose, I can shout
26:53Talk my woman about
26:55If you don't call my mates
26:57Call me Fanzine
26:59And then we can touch
27:00Play the game
27:02But we don't talk
27:04Ain't that a shame?
27:06Maybe we could be friends
27:10But instead
27:12We've begun that
27:15I'm up and jobby girl
27:17In up and jobby words
27:19Only respect
27:20Tell me what's expected
27:22I'm settled with a mate
27:24I'll throw a beard and put some weight
27:26My happy ending
27:28No more pretending
27:30Come on, Binda, clean that brinda
27:32Oh, oh, okay!
27:34Come on, Binda, cook my dinner
27:36I don't bite!
27:38Come on, Boti, wash my dooti
27:40And while you're here, trim my nose hair
27:44I'm up and jobby girl
27:53In up and jobby words
27:56No one told me
27:59About matrimony
28:01You start off with a date
28:04And end up actually late
28:06Who anticipated
28:09Love so complicated
28:12Oh, cool, I'm not happy, you know
28:16Oh, come on, Binda, we only just got married
28:18I love you, cool
28:19Yeah, whatever
28:20How about we just talk tonight, eh?
28:22Yeah, all right
28:23The quintessence of faith
28:36based on a multidimensional spirituality
28:39purporting to secular instigation
28:41So, there's two triple word scores
28:48A double letter score
28:48And I used up all my letters
28:49I win!
28:50Good, gracious me!
28:56All right
29:07Yeah
29:08All right
29:08You
29:09Yeah
29:09All right
29:09We'll see you
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