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00:00Good night, gracious me!
00:30There are some people in the Asian community who think that all white women are really promiscuous
00:34and just sleep with anyone.
00:35God, that's just so ridiculous.
00:37I know.
00:38But you do, don't you?
00:41Jack, please.
00:46You're watching Asian children's BBC TV.
00:49Now let's kick off the weekend with Live and Cooking!
00:51Hi, Asian kids.
01:03My name's Chippy Sundar Lingam.
01:05And I'm Fanny Kumar.
01:07You kids want to have fun?
01:09Yay!
01:10I bet you do.
01:11And there's plenty of time for fun.
01:13After you've done your studies, done your exams, got a degree, got a good job, got married,
01:16had children, and the children have left home, then you can have fun.
01:19Oh, Chippy, you're so sensible.
01:21Cover yourself up.
01:23Okay, let's get on with the show.
01:26Yay!
01:27Chop!
01:28First up, we're over to Computer Corner, where we're going to check out the latest software
01:33releases with our resident cyberpunk, Dumpy.
01:37Wow, mega graphics, Dumpy.
01:40And what piece of virtual hilarity are you playing?
01:43Well, I'm checking out the hottest new software on the market.
01:46It's an updated version of an old classic, and it's mega-fast with state-of-the-art bitmap
01:52imaging.
01:53Wow, Dumpy.
01:54You're fat.
01:55What's it called?
01:57Excel spreadsheet.
01:58Radical.
01:59And have you been reviewing any games for us, Dumpy?
02:02No!
02:03Good girl.
02:04Over to you, Chippy.
02:06Okay, kids.
02:08Don't forget, later on in the program, we've got Pop Sensation 5 coming up, and we'll be
02:12asking them what respectable jobs they're going to do when they grow up.
02:15You can phone in on 5...
02:17Watch out, Chippy.
02:18Look who's coming.
02:19Who?
02:20Uncle Blobindo.
02:21Uncle Blobindo!
02:22Oh, no!
02:23No, don't do this.
02:24It's not a respectable thing to do.
02:25No, no, no.
02:26Get off.
02:27Get off.
02:28Jump!
02:29Take that thing off.
02:30This is not you.
02:31You, take that head off.
02:32Ah!
02:33Let your mother see you.
02:34Is this any kind of job for a respectable Indian boy?
02:37You see, kids, this is what happens when you watch television all day and you don't do
02:42your homework.
02:43Come on, man.
02:44Give us a break.
02:45I'm just trying to earn a living.
02:46Will you knock off that stupid voice?
02:47What stupid voice?
02:48Nobody thinks that you're funny.
02:49Anyone think you're funny?
02:50Anyone think you're funny?
02:51Anyone think you're funny?
02:52No.
02:53No.
02:54No.
02:55No.
02:56No.
02:57No.
02:58No.
02:59No.
03:00No.
03:01No.
03:02No.
03:03No.
03:04No.
03:05No.
03:06No.
03:07No.
03:08No.
03:09No.
03:10No.
03:11Just shut up.
03:12Don't do your homework.
03:22I'm standing in the midst of what is fast becoming Europe's worst humanitarian disaster.
03:30Behind me are scenes of devastation and tragedy, as more and more refugees like this little
03:36this little mite here pour into the area searching for food they come in their
03:44hundreds spilling from dilapidated vehicles to begin the frantic struggle
03:50for the meager food parcels that can be found lying around it would seem we're
03:58being joined by one of the refugees can you tell me are you experiencing
04:03difficulties in finding food for your family no right well how would you
04:13describe the conditions within the refugee camp what refugee camp this one
04:22here this is my family picnic
04:33the entertainment world was rocked today with a shock revelation that Bollywood
05:01superhunk and darling of Indian cinema for the past 25 years Chunky LaFunga
05:05participated in a pornographic film as a young actor I'm here at a hastily
05:10convened world press conference to hear Mr. LaFunga's response oh and I think they're about to speak
05:15gentlemen for legal reasons my client will not be speaking today I'll be reading a
05:23parody statement written by my client himself
05:28sweetie pumpkin darlings okay it's true I did a hardcore porn film but can you blame
05:36me I was young handsome needed the money the money
05:40the usual madam yes one great big churn of milk
05:59my husband's away maybe you could fill my jugs from here
06:20I do come in and
06:23come in then
06:27do
06:33do
06:36do
06:40do
06:41do
06:45Oh no, better get out of these wet things.
07:15Oh no, better get out of these wet things.
07:45Oh no, better get out of these wet things.
08:15Oh no, better get out of these wet things.
08:33Mr. Funger, don't you think that by participating in hardcore pornography, you are reinforcing
08:39the idea of women as sexual objects for men to abuse and degrade?
08:44I am not sexist of any kind.
08:52I love women.
08:55I don't care if they're short, tall, black, white.
09:00For example, I'm quite into fat birds at the moment.
09:03Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.
09:06You, you, my mini-bego.
09:07Thank you, love you.
09:09My mini-bego, you, not you.
09:11Tyrannosaurus rex, the most feared dinosaur of its time.
09:17Fast, strong and deadly.
09:20A predator without peer.
09:23Wow.
09:23And as you can see, it also had a 15-foot penis.
09:29This doll is fantastic.
09:31It's really, really doll.
09:33Hello, pussycats.
09:34Yeah, it's me, Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten.
09:38Three out of ten cat owners can't believe I'm not butter.
09:41And welcome to my brand-new pilot show, Smita's Street Date,
09:46where I'm going to find a boyfriend for Sunita here,
09:49who's very obviously gagging for it.
09:52Oh, see anybody you fancy, sweetie?
09:55Oh, he's a biff, all right.
09:56Leave it your kittenish, Cupid, here.
09:58Excuse me, sir.
09:59One minute, please.
10:00Hang on.
10:01Oh, hello.
10:02Well, hello.
10:05Yes, are you, um, rich?
10:07Witty, single, straight.
10:11Yes, do all of those things at first.
10:12Oh, wow, great.
10:13Great.
10:14Can you see a date, then?
10:15Oi.
10:16Oh, come on, Sunny.
10:17I can put my leg behind my ear, you know.
10:18Oh!
10:20Come on, and I can throw three fur balls upon.
10:22Just give me a chance.
10:24Please, give me a chance.
10:25What?
10:27Shh.
10:35Wait up.
10:37Wow, this is amazing, Dad.
10:40The most famous painting in the world.
10:42It's inspiring, isn't it?
10:44Inspiring?
10:45Of course it's inspiring.
10:47Because it's Indian!
10:49No, Dad, not the Mona Lisa.
10:51She was an Italian noblewoman from the 16th century.
10:54Son, this is Mina Lossa.
10:59A Gujarati washerwoman from Bhavnagar.
11:01No!
11:03Yes.
11:03Look at the expression on her face.
11:05What is she thinking?
11:06She is contemplating the irony of her situation.
11:09Asking us whether we are observers of voyeurs.
11:13Rubbish!
11:14She's asking how much is this painter charged,
11:15because my brother can get cheap paint.
11:18Why would Leonardo da Vinci go all the way to Bhavnagar
11:21to paint someone?
11:22Because it's quite near where he lived.
11:25Florence?
11:25Free the bath!
11:26Leonardo's not Indian, Dad.
11:29Of course he is, son.
11:31Look at this one.
11:32What, the Last Supper?
11:33Ah.
11:34Twelve men sitting around the table for dinner.
11:36Where are the women?
11:40They're in the kitchen!
11:43He's a Renaissance artist.
11:46Renaissance artists are famous for being Italian.
11:49Donatello, Raphael, Titian.
11:52Kashmiri, Punjabi, Gujarati.
11:54You see, son?
11:55All great artists.
11:56Indian.
11:57Rubbish!
11:58Not rubbish.
11:59What about Picasso?
12:00Spanish!
12:00Indian!
12:01You've seen his portraits.
12:03A nose here, an ear there.
12:05Go to Delhi and look at the beggars.
12:07They look exactly the same.
12:09Look, Ash.
12:09And here's another one.
12:11That's Lowry.
12:12He's British.
12:13Come on, Yar.
12:14Think about it.
12:15Matchstick men.
12:16With matchstick arms and legs.
12:18How much more Indian can you get?
12:22What about Ruben?
12:23Fat women, Indian.
12:24Botticelli.
12:25Fat kids, Indian.
12:27Michelangelo.
12:28Ah, the painter of the Sistine Tandoori.
12:32You mean the Sistine Chapel?
12:35Tandoori!
12:36Only an Indian restaurant would have a ceiling painted like that.
12:39No, no, no, no.
12:40Look, Dad.
12:41Look.
12:41The Statue of David.
12:43Are you telling me that this, the representation of the physical male perfection, is Indian?
12:49No, not Indian.
12:52No, not Indian.
12:57Glenn, me, Tracy.
12:58Tracy, meet Glenn.
12:59Let's play family favourites.
13:00We asked 100 people, what's your favourite sexual position?
13:05This dog is fantastic.
13:06Yeah.
13:10Okay, listen up, men.
13:11This woman had 15 sons.
13:1814 of them have been killed in action.
13:21The army's decided to bring her last one home, and it's up to us to find him.
13:25What's his name, Sarge?
13:29Private Narayan.
13:30Nah, nah, forget it.
13:37Okay.
13:38Easy.
13:52Happy anniversary.
13:53Congratulations.
13:55How long is it now?
13:56Long enough to keep her happy.
13:58That's, what, seven years now?
14:01Well, we've been together, what, eight years next month?
14:04Oh, really?
14:05Are you having a party?
14:06Yeah, it's going to be totally wild.
14:07Line dancing and Tupperware barbecue again.
14:09Yep.
14:09Don't forget your Stitsons.
14:10Oh, my wife.
14:13Oh, um, sorry, do you know where I could put my coat?
14:16Oh, welcome, new blood.
14:18Have you got a drink?
14:19Yeah, sorry, whose wife are you?
14:21Oh, um, I'm not married.
14:28The minute I walk in the room, I can see the aunties all run for cover.
14:36They say to each other, they say to each other, that jungly in the trampy clothes.
14:42She's got some drinks and since your son's from us, they're your nuts.
14:47They think, cause I'm smart.
14:49She's a dad.
14:50And when that husband's chat me off the bed, I don't mind.
14:56Hey, big drink, sir.
14:57Just cause I am single, I ain't blind.
15:11She might be stupid all day.
15:15But wouldn't you be if you'd only had offers from complete nutter tossers?
15:21Fat lawyers, shady boys, pharmacists and men in wigs who just call me.
15:28I don't want to spend one more night with men who've popped their cork before.
15:35I've shut the door.
15:38Baby, big drink, sir.
15:42That has never happened to me before.
15:47Yeah, right.
15:48I may be married to a jut, jut, jut.
15:54But at least I'm not a slut, slut, slut.
15:58Keep away because it might be catching.
16:03Chipping with four, a bag of pork scratching.
16:07So let me get right to my point.
16:11I ain't looking for convenient shoddy to no suitable Punjabi.
16:17Smart marriage, give me the blues.
16:20All those kinky-doos, be tougher, wear and tougher, be cues.
16:25I know that I'd much rather try to be on my own than with the wrong guy.
16:33Hey, big spinster.
16:35Hey, big spinster.
16:37Hey, big spinster.
16:39Hey, big spinster.
16:41Hey, big spinster.
16:43Me, big spinster.
16:45Only real men need apply.
16:49apply yeah I really hate the way the British is inhibited I mean I'm a really
17:01tactile sort of person great how do I look dad oh beautiful beautiful now your
17:17future mother-in-law is very very traditional so you have to behave
17:21yourself while we discuss your wedding plans huh don't worry only the best for
17:26my baby and now where are those earrings she bought you no dad I don't like um
17:32she'll ask about them here they are put them on put them on
17:47no problem finding the place I have parking everything okay this is my son
17:59very handsome thank you and this is my daughter nice earrings
18:08the boo get some people no need I made this at home for nothing about the
18:25wedding yes do you have any thoughts on the venue
18:28yes I thought we'll make it at home for nothing what do you know about it huh you
18:36sit there with your Calvin Klein chuddies and your hair gel you think weddings
18:42are all free booze and fancy gifts and come on Eileen and there's no need to
18:48hire a horse for the bridegroom to arrive on while our dog is still alive are you
18:53sure that this is going to be on yes of course why waste money when you can make
18:58it at home for nothing now I thought as a bridal outfit I would give your daughter
19:04this sari which my mother gave to me on her death bed
19:10Nani Ma's not dead yet we're planning for August a lot can happen
19:16we'll need outside caterers obviously no I will be making the traditional wedding aubergine
19:24what about a pundit oh well of course we will need a pundit
19:30oh that's a relief I'm glad we agreed on some things you know it is something sometimes it's good to
19:35allow me to introduce you to Swami Sukkji
19:41I'm scared these arrangements are completely absurd I am NOT going to let you destroy my daughter's special day
19:50we haven't even discussed the dowry yet dowry dowry dowry is for low-class villagers who are too
19:56ignorant to know any better that's why we chose you look my son is my pride and joy and he is the most
20:05eligible bachelor in the whole of hounds law while your daughter is a bit of an old boot
20:10so in exchange we expect some goods of extreme value I'm not listening the dowry we expect from you one
20:23one small aubergine
20:38I don't believe this you can't walk down the street in your traditional clothes without being stared at
20:44aye and they call this a tolerant society
20:47you got a problem then
20:50I'm Dave goby welcome to the Asian shopping channel your tip-top choice for all your Asian shopping needs
21:09let's go straight over to our makeup expert jazz from the whoosh boo salon
21:14hello there and welcome jazz
21:17hi Dave
21:18well today I'm going to talk to you about kushboo skin care products
21:22kushboo skin care products
21:24that's right kushboo skin care products
21:27we put the Asian back into sensation
21:31to give our ladies the wheatish complexion every low-caste woman wants
21:38and everyone expects if he's thinking of marrying you
21:42excellent
21:44and which one is it that you're wearing
21:45I'm not wearing anything
21:49what's that thing
21:50I'm not wearing anything I'm a natural redhead
21:52the brown bits are just freckles
21:54okay
21:56what have you got for us today
21:58right
21:59well we have fair and fancy face cream
22:02for those of you who are a bit Cadbury's cocoa
22:05for those who shade is more too dark to get a dance
22:10we have coal slag cover up
22:13we also have tan be gone brown bits away
22:17yes yes that's excellent
22:19why don't we just see some of this in action
22:22we have our resident model here
22:24Madhu
22:25hi Madhu
22:26hi
22:27I need a makeover because I'm getting married next week
22:31oh
22:32there's hope for us all then
22:35yes I guess I am quite dark but I'll just have what you're wearing
22:42but what's that then
22:44yes well Jaz let's see what you can do with the shadow here
22:49just welcome
22:51okay
22:54now remember that the entire Khushbu skin care range
22:57is available at competitive prices
23:00the Khushbu starter kit comes complete with bleach
23:03wire brush and sterile dressing
23:06let's see how they're getting off
23:12dang
23:16well Madhu
23:17what do you think
23:20wow
23:21how beautiful
23:24that's amazing
23:28well done Jaz
23:29fantastic job
23:30thanks for coming in
23:33I'm a natural res head you know
23:40now this is much better
23:41better than all the filth that's on the television
23:43good family game
23:44and also educational
23:46educational
23:47ha
23:48it's yoga
23:52this doll is fantastic
23:54it's really wonderful
23:55where did you get it from
23:56you'd always aim for the roof of the mouth
23:58oh
24:00your tie's crooked
24:02well you've got a big nose and a fat ass
24:04yeah
24:06yes
24:07yes
24:10yeah
24:11ha
24:12inch...
24:13ha
24:14ha
24:15ha
24:16ha
24:17ha
24:18ha
24:19ha
24:20ha
24:21ha
24:22j
24:23ha
24:24Sinjin let me take your brother
24:28Dennis where are your manners grab Vanessa's muff?
24:35That's not a muff you silly sword. Yes Charlotte. It's not enough you stupid dog. It's a dog
24:50It's a pet I
24:54I
24:58Yes, well we British love our animals. Yes, we do
25:02Yes, we do. This is Lady Penelope underskirt gobbler the third
25:10Hey Vanessa, that's a bit of a mouthful isn't it?
25:14That's why I call her pinky
25:18Shall we sit down? Oh downing downing sitting sitting sitting
25:22downing sitting downing
25:24No English household is complete without a pet they say yes, and you don't have any do you Charlotte?
25:31Yeah, we're British of course
25:33We do we have them
25:36gerbils
25:39Gerbils yes, they're very sweet and we love them like our own children
25:43Like your own children more than our own children
25:47What a gerbils
25:49You know Dennis our furry little friends
25:51Oh
25:53Ha ha ha ha ha ha
25:55Gerbils
25:57Yes, we have hundreds of them
25:59Hundreds?
26:01Yes, they live under the floorboards
26:03And they eat all the rubbish
26:05I give them a bit of cheese and a trap
26:07What we British won't do for our pets, eh?
26:11Yes quite right
26:12So must be quite a handful looking after that little chap
26:13It's a bitch
26:15But surely you'll get used to it after a while, eh?
26:17No, no, no it's a little girl doggy
26:19But surely you'll get used to it after a while, eh?
26:24No, no, no, it's a little girl doggie.
26:26Oh, oh, no!
26:29Are you planning on breeding her?
26:31Oh, no, no, no. We've had her fixed, so she can't have any babies.
26:36How?
26:38Spade.
26:39Yeah, that will do it.
26:41Yes, I use a shovel on the bloody devil.
26:44Yes, yes.
26:46They're a very small target, you know?
26:48Oh, yes, yes!
26:50Dennis, you wag!
26:51He loves animals, really.
26:53Oh, really?
26:54Yes.
26:55Well, perhaps he'd like to hold her, then.
26:57Ah, I don't think that's a good idea, old Fruity.
27:03Oh, come on, Dennis.
27:05Don't you want to hold my little pinky?
27:09I really...
27:10Oh, Dennis, I really do think you should hold her, darling.
27:14If you ever want to hold anything again.
27:16Oh, sorry.
27:18OK, now.
27:19Don't be frightened, she won't buy a horse!
27:23And she does all her business in the garden now.
27:26And what about the dog?
27:27Oh!
27:33Right, well, um, don't make any sudden movements.
27:36If she gets nervous, she tends to have little accidents.
27:38She's not the only one, excuse me!
27:42Dennis!
27:45Well, perhaps you'd better rub his nose in it.
27:48Or maybe put down a litter tray in the kitchen.
27:52Oh, change your mind, old chappy.
27:54May I?
27:55Oh, of course.
27:56One hand on the body, that's it.
27:59You decided to make friends after all, then.
28:01No, I ran out of toilet paper, actually.
28:04No!
28:12Woo-hoo!
28:12Woo-hoo!
28:42Darling!
28:52This doll is fantastic!
29:02Good gracious me!
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