- 7 weeks ago
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00:26Good gracious me!
00:28,
00:30,
00:31hey nothing could be more English
00:35than us.
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00:38.
00:39yes, marvelous darling.
00:41Do adjust your shorts, the members don't want to .
00:49.
00:50.
00:51Miller
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00:57What a nice surprise yes I was just saying to Vanessa I can't believe the
01:10cupboards haven't joined the new tennis club you mean the
01:14cupboards so Dinesh then I'm looking forward to getting on court and tucking away some loose
01:24balls I knew that I knew that so isn't it marvelous about young Timmy Henman yes
01:35marvelous marvelous who Jim Henman the English tennis ace we haven't had a
01:47world-class player like him since VJ Amritaj retired you mean vagina wide
01:57yes that's the fellow shall we digress through to the reception
02:05uh where do we sign it I'm sorry it's members only yes so we'd like to join
02:13hence the attire yes you see I've got the racket and he's got the balls anyone for
02:22Dennis
02:27where do we sign yes I'm afraid it's not quite as simple as that there are certain
02:32rules and regulations at this club glad to hear it well of course got to keep the
02:38riff-raff out it yes I don't believe I'm making myself entirely clear we have a
02:43very restrictive entrance policy quite right no jeans come on old chap how much is
02:55there do you say do you take boggling off I'm afraid it's not a question of money dear me how
03:01can I put this your names would not be appropriate on our members list I'm not sure I'm quite with you old fruity
03:12well let's take a little look at our list of members then shall we here we are wing commander
03:21buffy henderson
03:23brigadier sir bufton tufton
03:28mr. reginald ponson besmythe yes well you must see how your names are different what dennis cooper
03:42what and that's your name is it yes and this is my good friend assingen hello how do you do
03:50but you're both um yes well look we don't allow what look no package all right I should hate
04:01but you're quite that's right
04:03yeah it's me smita smitten showbiz kitten spray hot gossip into your faces and lighting up your dull
04:24little eyes with a little splash of spangly starlight so guess which humble little number one confident of
04:31the rich and famous has been invited to the fabulous new premiere of the hottest new bollywood flicking
04:37down yeah me all the stars will be glittering here tonight salma akshay jackie salma and here we
04:46are let's go in it's your time was it gets wow he looks oh meow you know female jealousy follows smita
05:00wherever she goes you haven't got any tickets left man yes could it be that salman khan has heard that
05:08i've been stepping out with jackie shroff and in a fit of peak has barred smita from the party
05:14we've got tickets for tomorrow night if you want a book or you could come back
05:18well done Katie that was very good
05:39you're going to be a big musician when you grow up aren't you
05:42right has anybody else got a party piece they'd like to show us manoj has one don't you bitter
05:48oh ma come on come on come on all the grown-ups want to see don't you okay then
05:57good okay are you ready then
06:00mm-hmm 12 pack of toilet rolls four pounds 20 please
06:0820 mile blue lights
06:103.16
06:17hey rose for the woman you love oh that's a good idea
06:20i'm seeing her after i drop you off in it
06:27check please
06:38hello mr gotham from the pest control agency you rang earlier oh yeah thanks for coming god we've got
06:46mice all over the place well that's what we're here for oh yeah sorry come in come in i'll show you where the problem is
06:52oh that's an unusual uniform uniform actually i'm a buddhist
07:08well um i think the mice are nesting onto the cooker yes that's quite normal well i'll take it from here
07:15so what bait are you gonna use bait no bait oh right you use traps yeah traps
07:38traps i do not use so how are you gonna kill them then kill
07:44yeah how are you gonna get rid of them ah
07:48buddha teaches us there is more than one way to get rid of mice we do not have to stoop to killing
07:55right so what are you gonna do then well i intend to make them think again about their actions
08:01how are you gonna do that that's the clever bit you see i have brought with me a small bunion tree
08:18under which the mice will sit in cross-legged contemplation until eventually they will reach
08:26enlightenment right and that's gonna stop them crapping in the bread bin is it
08:31they will reach nirvana where there are more enlightened toilet facilities for mice
08:38look you just kill them will you i cannot kill them but if you insist on death i could try something
08:45but it is an extreme measure what is it i could create a very oppressive political regime under your
08:52cooker the mice to set fire to themselves in protest
09:01now is there anyone in your family who kills mice well there's mr kumar right and he kills mice does
09:07he no but you may come behave so badly that they come back in their next lives as little stones
09:13which are much easier to catch
09:22right thanks that's great get out okay okay okay okay if you insist i can call mr malik
09:28he'll kill your mice oh really as long as you don't mind him slitting their throats
09:33and hanging them around your kitchen on little hooks
09:39really cool outfit are you coming to the 70s revival night as well no i just arrived from patiola
09:51i just arrived from patiola
10:00hello would you be interested in some literature about krishna
10:04no no sorry drama no no no sorry shiva no sorry double glazing
10:20come on in
10:33she walked into my office like a cool breeze on a hot night
10:37but i wasn't about to be blown away mr sati i need your help
10:42i gave her the once over nice figures she knew how to use her assets and i mean more than just to
10:53sit on but something just didn't add up i think i might be in trouble pretty sure you are sweetheart
11:01no one talks to an accountant unless they have to can you help me or not
11:12i cheat that's not what i heard the lady had style but i'd seen it all before she was high
11:25maintenance all luxury expenditure no decent savings account i decided to double my fee
11:3250 a day plus expenses tax deductible naturally she was surprised those pretty brown eyes flickered
11:39like a warning sign mr sati saying i don't have much money right now but i promise if you help me
11:51i'll find some way to repay you double entry double entry bookkeeping that's all i could think about
12:00she was good real good a real tough cookie but i wasn't about to crumble
12:05now you listen to me cousin sister i'm an accountant see i get broads like you throwing
12:12themselves at me from all directions well maybe they're just trying to knock you down
12:17if you came here because you heard i was cheap well i hate to disappoint you honey
12:22that's something we just don't have in common
12:35okay lady i'll do your accounts i'll call you in a week in it you don't have to call me sam
12:47you don't even have to write
12:51just use your little machine to balance the books
12:55you do know how to balance the books don't you sam you just put your lips together and blow
13:14and she was gone leaving me feeling like an outdated pep but i knew she'd be back but tomorrow was the
13:22first day of the rest of my financial year
13:37hello old boy we'd like to join the conservative party
13:41well that's fantastic the party's particularly keen to attract members of all the ethnic communities
14:01that's what we're going to do
14:11hello and welcome to this very special edition of masterchef coming to you from the bustling indian
14:17city of bangalore and in the red kitchen today we have renowned society lady ronnie row hello ronnie
14:25hi lord how's it hanging what will you be cooking for us today ronnie well lloyd i'm going to be
14:31serving up baked truffled eggs followed by a brochette of langoustine in a fennel coulee
14:37and finishing off with a three chocolate terrine i love that fennel coulee that sounds delicious ronnie
14:43it's quite a challenge for you though isn't it oh well i'll do my best okay ronnie we'll start the clock
14:49now and let's get cooking okay
15:02what are you doing this is master chef yeah i'm the master this is the chef
15:07you cook the food yourself it's a cookery competition you're cooking me yeah i look like
15:13a bloody servant to you oh did you read the rules i've never been studied all my life
15:26oh my god doctor do you realize what you've done this is the greatest day in the history of medicine
15:33you've created an antibody that kills cancer cells come on we've got to test it kill them you say
15:40don't worry we'll cope we'll be fine but our little girl is all grown up and married and gone away
15:58our last child is married gone away to start anew the house feels so empty what can we do
16:20well we could chase each other around the living room you could start my bottom with the great big
16:26room wear each other's charities like they were crowns the things you can do when the kids ain't
16:30around we could dance in the rain like bollywood stars do it on the bonnet of a datsun car sit on
16:36the washing machine and really feel weird the things you can do when the kids ain't here
16:39no or we could just talk okay to each other visit a mossy or two a walk by the river
16:56that dine at the rips tea for two
17:06or we could roll around and gee play hide the kebab i'll be a punk koala you could be
17:12friends up wear your red tops bed socks maternity gowns the things you can do when the kids ain't
17:16around i could swing from the lime shade in my batman cape smoke the kids dope and hallucinate
17:20hallucinate leja coosta under the duvet the things you can do when the kids are away
17:34so we could just read to each other share a moment me and you cook for your mother attend some cultural
17:56do
18:01or yes we i know could watch naughty moves on satellite build an extension in the moonlight
18:09bring that train to the mechanical planning to get to do with our budget around we could take
18:14our clothes and cook in the news cover each other in lots of food for nine and a half weeks we'd be in
18:19the mood oh when most people are married off most people they cry oh but this is the happiest day
18:26of my life oh all the things that we can do
18:40it's appalling that women aren't all that pressure to to be thin uh to do their hair to have the right
18:47nose and that oh absolutely i agree that's what's so great about you you make no effort at all
18:52okay please
18:58this is it man euro store yeah man just think in three hours we'll be in paris man three hours yeah
19:04man it is the future of travel in a trans-european style innit yeah yeah yeah it's like it's like
19:09it's like like like a fusion man between england and france and the whole of europe man just think of
19:15all the places you can get to now with the utmost massive convenience in it paris brussels
19:20paris anywhere you want man turkey poland netherland disneyland hold on man turkey's in asian man
19:34nah man you're thinking of bangladesh innit how fast do you think we're going you're a start top speed
19:40300 voiclobbers per hour man whoa that don't mean nothing to me man what's that in miles
19:46the rating tomorrow's days 900 you times before take away free innit i can't get used to this
19:51conversion man you've got to get into it man too many euro cats will be ruling all over us
19:56the traditional way of british life will be changed forever by the euro changes innit what all of it
20:01totally man even our music that'll be the first to go what you mean like uh yeah yeah yeah no more
20:08techno bunga disco fever innit no way all traditional british activities will be banned
20:13oh no more chilling outside the temple checking out the rassmer no more stealing pagodas at divali
20:19parties all pagodas will be banned unless approved euro weight you're a taste man you know what they put
20:25pagodas in europe from blitz sack out spaghetti we don't want to be european man we got to protect
20:31that traditional british way of life innit yeah let's get off the train man yeah this is the northern
20:36line service and i told you that the terminal wasn't in tooting beck okay okay people listen up listen up
20:51before we start the meeting yeah i'd like to introduce you to death and he is joining the
20:56team as our new features man okay deb as the editor i'd like to welcome you to british asian man's
21:03quarterly which of course is the premier style magazine for asian men okay let's get on with it
21:10anil what's new in health and fitness this month well jj we're running a piece on body toning
21:16this season we're seeing a return to a classic asian look a huge beer gut with real spindly legs
21:21lager okay raj food well i've done a series of easy to prepare meals to fit in with our readers
21:29modern day lifestyle including a new one lager and samosa buddies and the great thing is
21:38they're printed on perforated cards so the reader can tear them out and collect them yes
21:43what do you mean to give to their wives
21:51okay okay sonia love and sex what have we got well jj we've got some really exciting stuff this month
21:59yeah i'm starting off with a piece called what women want what they really really want
22:03and how not to give it to them oh right yeah yeah yeah and that's followed by spice up your
22:09marriage sleep with your wife oh right and finally i've got sex after pregnancy why bother
22:19and we're also starting a series of handy tips on how to attract the perfect partner which are
22:23printed on perforated cards which the reader can tear out and collect
22:25what do you mean to give to their mothers
22:36okay okay okay dev here's your big chance sweetie what are you going to bring to the party
22:42well to be quite honest jj i'm a little bit disappointed with what i've been hearing
22:46sorry well you know i thought this was a progressive forward-thinking journal
22:50dealing with real issues for the new asian man all i've heard so far is reactionary drivel
22:56right sorry you feel that way dev well hey i've written a pretty in-your-face article
23:00about having a pregnant white girlfriend in the asian community which i think i'm delus
23:05not sure i'm quite with you on that one dev you know quickest way to change your phone number
23:13how to beat the dna test chicken flight to india
23:20how to beat the dna test chicken flight to india
23:26what i mean
23:27oh
23:28yeah
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23:49Check, please.
24:06Hello?
24:07Eh?
24:08Hello?
24:11Hello.
24:13I do hope I'm not intruding on your simple rural rituals.
24:17It's just that, you see, I'm visiting from England and I wanted to see something, you know, authentic.
24:24Oh, please come in, Mrs. Rose. Call me Rose.
24:29Oh, my goodness. This is absolutely perfect.
24:34What is it that you do in England, Rose?
24:37I'm an artefacts buyer for a chain of stores.
24:41Oh!
24:42I know you wouldn't understand such decadent Western practices.
24:47You're more connected with the flow of the seasons, the pull of the earth and the ripening of the crops.
24:53But that's what I do.
24:55That's my korma, I suppose.
24:58Korma!
25:00I must say, what's that over there?
25:03Oh, what that rusty old pale, you mean?
25:05That was my great-grandmother's birthing bucket.
25:13Three generations of downtrodden dung handlers have squatted over its rim.
25:18These are over here because we like looking at it and crying.
25:23Lonely, isn't it?
25:26Oh, it's amazing.
25:28I mean, you could really appreciate it.
25:31It was mounted on a plinth with subtle backlighting.
25:35Don't you think?
25:35Oh, I've lost you, haven't I?
25:39I do apologise.
25:41I'm sorry.
25:42Oh, may I sit down?
25:44Oh, no, please.
25:45Not on my maternal uncle's breast.
25:47I'm stupid.
25:48Oh, wait, I don't realise I thought it was a ditch, yeah?
25:52I suppose you'll be telling us that this is a Formica coffee table with a leg missing.
25:59Well...
26:00It is a 200-year-old bullock slide.
26:05You see?
26:06The bullock climbs up here and slides through the middle of the gap there.
26:11You must think I'm stupid.
26:14Oh, wait, you see, can you give me this?
26:16I am so stupid not to have seen how precious these things are to you.
26:23I mean, this whole house tells a story.
26:25That thing on the wall over there that, to my Western eyes, looks like a can opener is...
26:31An authentic turban winder.
26:35The pattern bed spread over here.
26:37A traditional Hessian covering woven by blind Punjabi widows.
26:41The pattern is quite familiar.
26:42Yes, it is amazing how our ancient gods look so much like the Power Rangers.
26:48I know this is presumptuous of me, but this whole house is a monument to authentic India,
26:56and, well, I could offer you a sizeable amount of...
27:00Oh, no.
27:01You'd never sell your heritage.
27:03What am I thinking?
27:04How much?
27:06£2,000?
27:08Let me help you lord your land rover.
27:10Don't forget me.
27:12But are those cowpats...
27:14Go stirs!
27:16Authentic!
27:18APPLAUSE
27:50The family has decided that Don Messini should be sleeping with the fishes.
28:01We brought you in to make the hit, Mr. G, because you're the best button man in the business.
28:06We want him rubbed out clean, bada-bing, capisce, you understand?
28:10Uh-huh.
28:12Except we want it done out in the public so that everybody can see what happens to a guy who dishonors the family.
28:17So tell us, how you gonna kill him?
28:21Kill him?
28:23No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
28:28Goodness gracious me!
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