- 3 months ago
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00:00Good and gracious me!
00:30Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.
00:40There you go, Mama.
00:42Candles on your cake, do you want to blow them out now?
00:45Blow out the candles.
00:47Yes, of course I would.
00:50Hooray!
00:53Well then, Mama, whenever you're ready...
00:57Oh, sorry, you really want me to do it.
01:01Oh, silly me.
01:03Sorry, Mama.
01:04No, no, please.
01:05I have chronic asthma, there are 73 candles to extinguish,
01:09so blowing out candles is what I obviously do best.
01:14OK, Mama, you don't want to blow the candles out.
01:17No, no, I want to.
01:18I'm dying to.
01:20Shall I actually blow, or will the phlegm from my bronchitis be sufficient?
01:26OK, Mama, forget the candles.
01:29Why don't we open some of the presents?
01:31Oh, yes, let's.
01:32Shall we?
01:33Can't wait.
01:34Oh, look, Mama.
01:36An electric blanket.
01:38It was all Ravi's idea.
01:39Yes, Ravi, you really shouldn't have bothered.
01:43Oh, it was nothing, Mama.
01:45And I believe you, Ravi.
01:48I'm glad you like it, Mama.
01:51You do like it, don't you?
01:54Can't you see me jumping for joy?
01:57OK, more presents.
01:59Oh, look.
02:00A lovely show, Mama.
02:02Oh, how incredibly marvellous.
02:04Oh, wow, a video camera.
02:08Wow, lucky me.
02:11Look, Mama, Mickey has drawn you a lovely picture.
02:15Well, that'll be useful, won't it?
02:19Mama, will you please stop this?
02:21Stop what?
02:22Making fun of...
02:23You know.
02:25I'm sorry.
02:27I've ruined it for you and the children, haven't I?
02:31I tell you what, I'll go out right now
02:34and get some extra special presents for everybody
02:37just to make it up.
02:39Oh, Mama, will you really?
02:43Well, I bollocks.
02:44Thanks.
02:56How many times do I have to tell you lot,
02:58go and play in the bloody park?
03:09OK, I call this meeting of the Indian Broadcasting Corporation to order.
03:13I've invited you all down here today
03:15to introduce you to our new Head of Ethnic Minority Programming,
03:18Mr. John Britt.
03:19Hi.
03:20Hi.
03:21Hello.
03:22John will be making sure that our representation of English people
03:26will be tickety-boo.
03:28Tickety-boo.
03:30Yeah, yeah, that's right.
03:32And I've got a few suggestions.
03:34Well, glad to hear that you've settled in all right.
03:35I call this meeting over.
03:36Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
03:38I'm actually finished.
03:40Oh, God, here we go.
03:43Now, I really do feel that the British community in India
03:45is totally underrepresented in the media here.
03:49Now, hang on a minute.
03:50I have to disagree right.
03:51You've got that weekly magazine programme.
03:54What's it called?
03:55Network West.
03:56Yeah, Network West.
03:57Uh-huh.
03:58I mean, I saw a brilliant item on last week's show.
04:01The Morris Dancers of Ambala.
04:03Oh, do you think it's bankra with traditional British brass band music?
04:08Yeah, but it was on at six o'clock on a Sunday morning.
04:12Why do they get up so early?
04:14Huh?
04:15Walk the dog, I think.
04:17Look, look, look.
04:18In any case, we're not all Morris Dancers, you know.
04:21That's just a stereotype.
04:22And why is it whenever we see a Brit on TV, he's either a tourist or a diplomat?
04:28I mean, why can't we play doctors?
04:30Or, I don't know, shopkeepers?
04:32Oh, come on.
04:33I mean, when was the last time you saw a white doctor?
04:37Anyway, what about those two characters in the long-running soap opera West Enders?
04:41Rita, the baby crying!
04:44Singjen, stop sleeping with my sister!
04:48Do, do, do, do, do, do, do!
04:50Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
04:54Right, what about giving us a season of English films?
04:57Man, I've got to ask you, has anybody actually seen an English film?
05:01No.
05:02I mean, what are they all about, eh?
05:04I saw one once, Remains of the Day.
05:07I couldn't believe it, right?
05:09Only two hours long.
05:11Right?
05:12No dancing.
05:17Well, they can't, can't they?
05:20All right, all right, all right.
05:22What about, what about an all-British comedy show?
05:28British comedy?
05:31Are they funny?
05:33Oh, the accent's quite funny, no?
05:35Oh, no, no, no, that's right, that's right.
05:37You say anything in an English accent is bound to get a laugh.
05:39Yeah.
05:40Jolly quiet ride.
05:45We're tired of being marginalised and exploited
05:48and reduced to farcical stereotypes.
05:51Okay?
05:53Now, we want change, and we want it now.
05:55Okay, John, I think I have a proposal that will satisfy us all.
06:06Well, that's, that's great.
06:09I propose we cut your budget by 50%, lay off three quarters of your staff
06:12and relocate the ethnic minority unit to just outside Jilinder.
06:15Hang on a second.
06:16And we will also be extending your contract for life.
06:20That sounds perfect.
06:21Welcome to India.
06:22Thank you very much.
06:23Have a part.
06:24Ah, tripping of the colour.
06:25Great.
06:26The Queen looks nice, doesn't she?
06:27Nice?
06:28Of course nice.
06:29Because she's Indian.
06:30Not the Queen.
06:31All of them.
06:32The whole royal family Indian.
06:33What are you talking about?
06:34Oh, think about it, yeah?
06:35Oh, that's perfect.
06:36That's perfect.
06:37Welcome to India.
06:38That's perfect.
06:39Welcome to India.
06:40Have a part.
06:41The Queen looks nice, doesn't she?
06:42Nice?
06:43Of course nice.
06:44Because she's Indian.
06:45Not the Queen.
06:46All of them.
06:47The whole royal family Indian.
06:48What are you talking about?
06:49Oh, think about it, yeah.
06:50Huh?
06:51Descended from Queen Victoria.
06:52Empress of India.
06:53So Indian.
06:54Rubbish.
06:55Not rubbish.
06:56Look at them.
06:57Huh?
06:58They all live in the same family house together.
06:59Indian.
07:00All work in the family business.
07:01Indian.
07:02All have arranged marriages.
07:04Indian.
07:05All have arranged marriages.
07:06Indian.
07:07All have arranged marriages.
07:08Indian.
07:09They all have sons.
07:12Daughters no good.
07:13Indian.
07:14But, Dad.
07:15Children live with their parents until they are married.
07:17Indian.
07:18Dad, Dad.
07:19What more do you want?
07:20You want them to put on turbans and charm snakes out of baskets?
07:22But, Dad.
07:23Harry, Wills, Fergie.
07:24They're all Indian.
07:26All except Prince Charles.
07:29He's African.
07:34If he was Indian, he'd have smaller years.
07:39And now that Mike and Karen are finally man and wife, two loving souls joined together by God, will you join with me in giving them a big good luck cheer?
07:54Well, I bollocks.
07:55Are you funny?
07:56You know, you've got a terrific sense of humour.
07:57Oh, thank you.
07:58Well, I suppose it's just as well with you being so ugly and all.
08:01Check, please.
08:02On me head.
08:03On me head, son.
08:04Oh, it's all right, man.
08:05I messed up my headgear.
08:06Sorry, man.
08:07All right.
08:08Half time, man.
08:09I've got to redefine my headgear.
08:10Oh, hey.
08:11Are you going to the Old Trafford on Saturday?
08:13Of course I'm going, man.
08:14I thought it was sold out.
08:15I thought it was sold out.
08:16Oh, I thought it was sold out.
08:17Oh, thank you.
08:18Oh, thank you.
08:19Well, I suppose it's just as well with you being so ugly and all.
08:20It's all right.
08:21It's all right.
08:22It's all right.
08:23All right.
08:24Half time, man.
08:25I've got to redefine my headgear.
08:26Oh, hey.
08:27Are you going to the Old Trafford on Saturday?
08:30Of course I'm going, man.
08:32I thought it was sold out.
08:34It's all right, man.
08:35My Uncle Devinder's a travel agent.
08:39He got me one of them sports packages.
08:41Includes coach from Southall to Manchester.
08:45With a five-day stopover in Wolverhampton.
08:47Does that include match tickets?
08:51Bloody Uncle Bastard.
08:53Unlucky, these are unlucky.
08:56They're piss my chaddies, man.
08:58I'll get a ticket at the away supporters' end.
09:00The allocation is sold out.
09:03Man, you're talking about the white man's ticket allocation.
09:06There's still the Asian ticket allocation.
09:08What's that, then?
09:09Five per game.
09:12Cool.
09:13How come there's no more than five Asians at a football match, man?
09:16Oh, the age-old question.
09:19The answer is simple.
09:20There are two reasons.
09:21First of all,
09:22ain't no way the Asians are going to eat the crap they serve at football grounds.
09:25I mean, I can't see my dad eating no meat pie.
09:28Not until they start to define it more clearly.
09:31And maybe throwing some coriander in it.
09:33Good point, man.
09:35I mean, I can't see my Auntie Bimbala getting a gold brand of cold jumbo sausage.
09:50What, what, what, what, what, what, what?
09:52What's the second reason, man?
09:54The second reason is this, right?
09:56If you go football every Saturday, who's gonna look after the shop?
10:00Yeah!
10:01I never fought, yeah!
10:03So, who did you support in the World Cup?
10:08What are you all about now?
10:09I mean, did you support England or did you support France cause they won?
10:15Man, that is a stupid question.
10:18There was only one team to support.
10:20The team that represents the motherland of our culture, our language, our way of life.
10:24India won't there, man.
10:26What, India?
10:27I'm talking about Jamaica.
10:28Ciao!
10:29Ciao, man!
10:30Here's the reggae boy!
10:35Exactly my point, man.
10:38Plus their kit is sponsored by his royal bagginess.
10:40The one and only Joseph Bloggs Esquire.
10:43The master.
10:46Hey, why hasn't India got a team?
10:51Cause Indians don't play football, man.
10:54What's that?
10:55Because of the ball, innit?
10:56What about it?
10:58Man is made of leather, right?
11:00So your Hindu football team consists of eleven blokes trying not to touch the ball.
11:05That is not a good tactic.
11:10What they should have is a pork ball for the Hindu team and give the beef ball to the Muslim teams.
11:17Slalom, I can't boof, man!
11:19I thought internationals, they could use a veggie ball.
11:22Yeah.
11:23Not like a pumpkin or a big swede.
11:25Or a coconut!
11:26Yeah, on me head!
11:28I'm getting excited.
11:29Ha!
11:30Oh!
11:31Ha!
11:32Yeah!
11:33In it!
11:35Ha!
11:37Ha!
11:38Ha!
11:39Ha!
11:41Ha!
11:42Ha!
11:43Ha!
11:44Ha!
11:45Ha!
11:46Morning, love.
11:47Three singles into town, is it?
11:49No!
11:50I thought I'd buy tickets for everybody on the bus and walk the five miles to town on my
11:54own.
11:55Right, you are, then.
12:06Will you please be quiet in future?
12:10Well, I bollock.
12:14Most men don't see things from a woman's point of view.
12:17You are so right.
12:19That's why I try to think about what it's like to be a woman.
12:23That's very refreshing.
12:25That's why I'll wear my mother's underwear, innit?
12:33Check, please.
12:39Basically, our marriage has been under a strain for a while now.
12:42Strain, that's right.
12:44We've been arguing, bickering...
12:47Squabbles. We've had squabbles.
12:49And what do you think is the reason for this discord?
12:53Well, see, we come from a traditional background,
12:57so for the last 12 years,
12:59we've had his mother living here with us.
13:04She's not my mother.
13:05I thought she was yours.
13:08No.
13:11I wonder who she is, then.
13:12Oh, you're here.
13:25Didn't know you were invited.
13:27Of course.
13:31Nice party, wonderful food.
13:34So-so.
13:35Very poor.
13:35Disgusting.
13:36I've already been sick.
13:39So, um,
13:40where is your son tonight?
13:43Doing his own thing, is he?
13:46Yes, I've heard he's very, uh,
13:48independent.
13:50What do you mean?
13:51Oh, nothing.
13:52I've just heard he's thinking of
13:54buying his own place
13:55and moving away from his parents,
13:57even though he's not married.
13:59Very, uh,
14:00modern.
14:01You're wrong.
14:04You really shouldn't listen
14:05to all the gossip you hear
14:06down the betting shop.
14:10My son is not independent
14:11or modern.
14:12No, no, no, no.
14:13In fact, he's very old-fashioned
14:14and very dependent.
14:17Oh, really?
14:18Well, my son is married with children
14:20and he's still happy
14:21to live at home with me
14:23and rely on me for everything.
14:25Such a good boy.
14:27Well, Mike's son can't even
14:28boil an egg or tie his own
14:29shoelaces without my help.
14:31That's how dependent my son is.
14:32Oh, shoelaces?
14:34My son still wears those shoes
14:36with the Velcro straps.
14:40And if I'm not there to help him,
14:41he puts them on the wrong feet.
14:44Big deal.
14:45My son is so dependent
14:46that he cries every time he's hungry.
14:49And he eats his own snot.
14:52I'm still breastfeeding.
14:53Me too.
14:54And I have to go to his office
14:57at least three times a day
14:59to change his sticky little nappy.
15:01Uh-huh.
15:01He goes to work.
15:03Oh.
15:04My son is a complete idiot.
15:07Yes, yes.
15:07Totally useless and unemployable.
15:10His individuality utterly stifled
15:12by a suffocating blanket
15:13of maternal protectiveness
15:14that has rendered him
15:15unable to do anything
15:16except sit in a puddle
15:17of his own waste products
15:19while I mop up around him.
15:22Well, how big is his dunder?
15:23You're tired!
15:24Yeah!
15:24Yeah!
15:24Yeah!
15:35Yeah!
15:35She can't forget her name
15:37was Lucy Parker.
15:39Her skin was white
15:40but she looked curly,
15:42darker.
15:42That's why I
15:43caught her eye.
15:47We met in New York
15:51she was a first year student
15:53She wore a sari
15:55cause she thought it
15:56rude and I think fine
15:57And then a 32nd time
16:02she said
16:04I wanna live like indie people
16:07I wanna do whatever
16:10indie people do
16:11I wanna sleep with indie people
16:14I wanna sleep with indie people
16:17like you
16:18Well, what else could I do?
16:22I smiled and said
16:24Do you want a bit of a bird?
16:29I said
16:29I'd find a groovy gig
16:31and take her
16:32I like the rubber
16:33but she said
16:34Do that shaker?
16:35The music's tossed
16:36Just like
16:38you're the shops
16:40She said
16:42I wanna live like indie people
16:46I wanna eat whatever
16:48indie people eat
16:50I wanna dress like
16:51indie people
16:53I wanna wear
16:55many on my feet
16:57She didn't understand
17:00You just painted
17:02on your hands
17:05Know your hair
17:07and be polite
17:09Do your homework
17:11every night
17:12Cause my bags
17:14and I'm playful
17:15Do extremely well at school
17:19Take a medical degree
17:22Graduates at the degree
17:26Look back in with mom and dad
17:29Even though they try
17:32You may be bad
17:33You sure?
17:34You wanna live like indie people
17:37You wanna steal whatever
17:40indie people say
17:41You wanna live like indie people
17:44You wanna watch your films on CTV
17:48But you'll never comprehend
17:51Cause for you it's just a trend
17:55Dress me up like indie people
17:58In your favourite Georgie
18:00Oh, so what?
18:02Tell me where I'm with the Hindi people
18:05Telling me that you want a lancy dog
18:09That you'll never score with me
18:12Cause I was falling
18:14Cause I was falling
18:14Come on a tree
18:16Come on a tree
18:19Come on a tree
18:20Oh, yeah
18:23Pretty
18:33Pretty
18:33You're so alright, mama
18:35No, I'm not alright, actually
18:38I have a pain in my chest
18:40And I can't breathe
18:41Oh, there she goes again
18:44Oh, very funny, mama
18:45You're dying
18:46And we're sitting here
18:47Watching the news
18:48Yes, you are
18:49I need help
18:52Yeah, we've known that for ages, mama
18:53Psychasm is the lowest form of wit, mama
18:56Call me in an ambulance
18:59Okay
19:00You're an ambulance
19:02Oh, my God
19:07She wasn't joking
19:08This time she's really collapsed
19:09Do something, Ravi
19:10Okay, okay
19:11You phone for an ambulance
19:12And I'll give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation
19:14Oh, will you, Ravi?
19:16Will I, Bullard?
19:24You know
19:24With you, I can be myself
19:26Be natural
19:27I don't feel inhibited in any way
19:30How about you?
19:31Do you feel the same?
19:33Absolutely
19:33Brilliant
19:35Please
19:45Hello, boys and girls
20:02Hello, boys and girls
20:04Let's say hello to the toys, shall we?
20:06Yes, let's
20:07There's
20:08Handball
20:10Big Ted
20:13Little Ted
20:15And Jemima
20:18Jemima looks happy today
20:20Yes, she does
20:22That's because Jemima got married today
20:27Jemima got married?
20:30Why is she wearing a funny dress?
20:32Silly
20:33This is the height of fashion now
20:36And Jemima wears it
20:37Because she's converted to Islam
20:39To marry a Muslim
20:40We don't know any Muslims, do we?
20:44Yes, we do, Brian
20:45Can you guess who it is?
20:48Which of our little friends have we not met today?
20:53Humpty
20:54Yes, Humpty
20:56Say hello, Humpty
20:58I didn't know you were a Muslim
21:01You used to be such a naughty boy
21:02Yes, she did
21:04But she's given up the alcohol in the nightclubs now
21:07Because Humpty doesn't hump around anymore
21:11He used to hump around, didn't he?
21:14Didn't he hump Hamble?
21:15That's right
21:16So why isn't he marrying Hamble?
21:20Because, Brian
21:21Hamble's daddy wasn't rich enough
21:24I see
21:25Hamble must be very upset
21:28She is, Brian
21:30In fact
21:31Hamble says that Humpty
21:34Is the father of her seven-year-old child
21:36I didn't know that Hamble had a seven-year-old child
21:39Who did you think little Ted was?
21:43Hi
21:52Remember us, the Delhi students?
21:55Last year we presented
21:57Rough Guide to England
21:58This year we present
22:00Great Train Journeys of the World
22:03You know
22:15A lot of people talk about the beauty
22:18Of the Kathmandu Northern Express
22:20The journey across the roof of the world
22:22Others speak in awe of the Assam flyer
22:25Weaving through the magical mist
22:27Of the Darjeeling tea terraces
22:28But for me
22:29The most romantic train journey
22:32Is the one I've travelled halfway across the world
22:34To experience
22:35The LTS commuter line
22:38From Fenchurch Street to South End
22:41This train, in fact
22:44Is the 1630 from Fenchurch Street
22:47And it is now 1745
22:49And we're just about to pull away from the station
22:52Of course
22:53Because time follows different rules
22:54In the developing world
22:55There's a phrase that's popular
22:57Amongst local railway workers
22:59How's it go here?
23:00Well, it's not my fault, mate
23:02I don't run the bloody place
23:04It sums up perfectly
23:06The more relaxed attitude
23:08In this part of the world
23:09Although there was a primitive railway system
23:20In Britain
23:21Before the arrival of the Asians
23:23It was under the Indians and the Pakistanis
23:26In the 1960s
23:27That the British railway system
23:29Really flourished
23:31But conditions were harsh in those days
23:33But fond memories remain
23:35Here's a man
23:37Who looks like he may have a few memories to share
23:40Excuse me, sir
23:42Um, do you have any memories
23:45Of the arrival of the Asians on the railway?
23:48Well, I remember thinking
23:50They should all go home
23:51And now?
23:55Now?
23:56Now I think they should all go home
23:58Yes
24:00Fond memories there
24:02We're now reaching the highest point of our journey
24:10I'll just read to you from the guidebook
24:12Becton Station
24:14A dizzying 12 feet above sea level
24:18Dominating the skyline
24:20Is the fabric-capped peak
24:22Of the Becton Artificial Ski Slope
24:25The landscape sweeps down
24:29To the fertile plains
24:30Of the Sainsbury Saver Centre
24:32Incorporating McDonald's
24:36Home base
24:37And of course
24:38Kentucky Fried Chicken
24:40As we pull into the station
24:43We're greeted by
24:45Local colourful people
24:47I think it's time for me to go native
24:50And attempt a little bartering
24:52I say
24:56What you're selling, mate
24:58Crack
25:00You have some tea
25:03He's selling crack
25:08For many people along this route
25:13Particularly on this
25:14Unforgiving plane
25:15Or beckon tree heat
25:17The railway is a lifeline
25:19The only contact with the outside world
25:21Groups of cheering locals
25:23Gather at the station
25:24Eager to extend the customary greeting
25:26They give to all foreign visitors
25:28Look, packies, get them!
25:35Crime is a real problem on these trains
25:37It's important to keep your money
25:39In a money belt
25:41At all times
25:42That's right
25:43There are thieves
25:44Who prowl the corridors
25:46Preying on unsuspecting travellers
25:48Here comes one now!
25:51Oh God!
25:51Somebody
25:51That is
25:51Ah!
25:56The train appears to have broken down
25:58Again
25:59This happens quite often
26:00For a variety of bizarre reasons
26:02Mainly religious
26:04Yes
26:05The people here
26:06Believe the tree
26:07To be sacred
26:08So that even if one leaf
26:11Falls onto the track
26:12The whole line
26:13Is immediately shut down
26:14Anyway
26:15This break gives us the chance
26:17To talk to some of the passengers here
26:19Some of whom
26:20Are obviously carrying goods to market
26:23Oh!
26:23Um, excuse me
26:25Are you on your way to market?
26:27Oh, you bastard!
26:29I'm finally scared
26:30Indeed!
26:32Ah!
26:32The language barrier
26:34Is slowly breaking down
26:35Bye!
26:38You bastard!
26:41Bastards!
26:44And as we pass the majestic mud flats of the Thames Estuary
26:49We reach our journey's end
26:51Appropriately enough
26:53In South End
26:55Which of course ends in
26:58End
27:00It's been a fascinating journey
27:03Wonderful
27:04You know, if you think about it
27:06It's been a journey through time as well as space
27:10It's been a journey through time as well as space
27:11Yes, it has
27:15And we've all learned something
27:16Through our observations of the simple beauty of these people's lives
27:21And the encounters with the vast array of cultures so different from our own
27:25We are made acutely aware of how small and insignificant they all are
27:32And the answers
27:33Bye!
27:35Bye!
27:36Bye!
27:36Bye!
27:37Bye!
27:37Bye!
27:38Bye!
27:39Bye!
27:39Bye!
27:40Bye!
27:40Bye!
27:41Bye!
27:41Bye!
27:42Bye!
27:42Bye!
27:43Bye!
27:44Bye!
27:44Bye!
27:45Bye!
27:45Bye!
27:46Bye!
27:46Bye!
27:47Bye!
27:47Bye!
27:48Bye!
27:48Bye!
27:49Bye!
27:49Bye!
27:50Bye!
27:50Bye!
27:51Bye!
27:52Bye!
27:53Bye!
27:54Bye!
27:55Bye!
27:56Bye!
27:57Bye!
27:58Bye!
27:59Bye!
28:00Bye!
28:01Bye!
28:02Bye!
28:03Bye!
28:04India.
28:34India.
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