- 4 months ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good night, gracious me!
00:30Oh, six courses. Your wife is a wonderful cook.
00:36Fantastic.
00:37Everybody finished with their snacks?
00:40Ready for your starters?
00:43No, I couldn't. I'm absolutely stuffed.
00:46What? You don't like it?
00:48Oh, no, no, I love it, but...
00:50Oh, darling...
00:51Salubit!
00:52Come on, you're wasting away.
00:55Come on, have one. Have one, one, one.
00:57Come on.
01:00I suppose I could manage just a little bit more.
01:03Oh...
01:05Come on, you now. You want some too?
01:08I really am full up.
01:10Shut up!
01:11Come on, don't offend me.
01:13No, no, it's not bad.
01:14Just...
01:15Oh, there you go.
01:21Come on!
01:22I really love the food and I know you mean well,
01:26but I really am full and I don't want any more.
01:28Thank you!
01:30Dave, what is the last thing?
01:31I don't want any more.
01:37Now you're hungry?
01:38Hey, mate.
01:43Over here.
01:45I've got some good stuff here, man.
01:48Colombian.
01:49I've got some good stuff here, man.
01:53Columbian.
01:55How much?
01:5680 quid a grand.
01:5880 quid?
01:59Arran!
02:00Shit, Uncle!
02:01Are you buying drugs?
02:02No, no, Uncle.
02:03Then why didn't you come to me?
02:05I can get 40 months cheaper.
02:07Get...
02:08Uncle!
02:09It is my pleasure.
02:10Uncle!
02:11Don't insult me.
02:12Don't worry.
02:13Don't worry!
02:14Oh, come on!
02:22What the hell?
02:27I'm not getting ready!
02:33Oh, come on!
02:35I'm not getting ready!
02:37Oh, come on!
02:39Come on!
02:41So, I hope that I'd like to...
02:43Oh, hope you're all enjoying your stay in my modest little autonomous region.
02:48Summer palace not too spartan, I hope.
02:50Oh, no, it's absolutely marvellous, Your Excellency.
02:53Oh, please. We don't stand on ceremony here.
02:56You can call me your Maharajasness.
02:58I really can't tell you how important our conservation work is.
03:01By giving us access to your estate,
03:03you are helping us preserve some of India's most rarest species.
03:06Come, come, it is my pleasure.
03:08This country is indeed blessed with some of the noblest and finest creatures.
03:11Oh, that's right, yeah.
03:12The mighty elephant.
03:13Oh, yes.
03:14The elegant gazelle, yeah.
03:16The delicious lion.
03:18I'm sorry?
03:19The scrumptious mongoose.
03:20No, no, no, hang on a minute.
03:21What enough? All this talk of nature has made me hungry.
03:25Tiger sandwiches, anyone?
03:28You don't like tiger?
03:30Have you ever tried its bum on a cracker?
03:37All the more for me, then.
03:38Oh, just get me a size five, will you?
03:43God damn it, a bullshit, yeah.
03:45No, I know it is a bit tight, but I can get into it.
03:48I don't want you to tell me about it.
03:50I just want you to, you know, get it.
03:52God, poor service factor or what, yeah.
03:55Deepa.
03:56Oh, Sima, darling.
03:59Mwah, mwah.
04:01So, I didn't know you shopped here.
04:03Oh, you know how it is.
04:04Just popped in for a pair of Gucci's.
04:06So how long have you been in here?
04:07Oh, about a week, two.
04:10So, I hear Daddy's bought your new house, huh?
04:13Yeah, right next door to them, yeah.
04:15Oh, so have you moved in yet?
04:17God, no.
04:18It's for my shoes.
04:22So, I haven't seen you since Saturday, huh?
04:24Did you have a good time?
04:25Oh, I had a great time.
04:26I love the line tamer.
04:28And how was the trapeze artist?
04:29Oh, it was all right.
04:30You know, it was a fairly simple wedding.
04:32That's good sometimes, no?
04:34Yeah, a low-key factor.
04:35Exactly.
04:36Yeah, Dad told me he wanted to book Elton John
04:39to sing a duet with my Auntie Vina when I got married.
04:42I said, goddammit, bullshit to hell, yeah.
04:44You know, that's really over the top.
04:46I said I'd be happy with something more traditional,
04:48like Michael Bolton.
04:50I told Dad that I was not going to get married
04:53until I was good and ready, yeah.
04:54And do you know what he said to me?
04:56What?
04:57He said that if I wasn't married by the time I was 24,
04:59he'd take away my gold card, yeah.
05:02No.
05:03And do you know what?
05:04What?
05:05I think he would as well.
05:06Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.
05:13Don't be stupid.
05:14Put the blanket straight.
05:15Put the blanket straight.
05:17Let's do it.
05:18Man up the line.
05:21Right, now, listen, listen, listen.
05:25It's a beautiful day.
05:26The birds are singing.
05:27We have all come here to relax.
05:29Now, can we please, please get through this day
05:31without any raised voices, any noises, or any hangama?
05:34Okay?
05:34Okay, right, now.
05:36Who wants cheesecake?
05:37Me, please, darling.
05:40Could we have the spoons, please, dear?
05:41Uh-huh.
05:42Oh.
05:44What is it?
05:46We forgot the spoons.
05:48Oh!
05:51They're only spoons!
05:52I knew this day would be a disaster!
05:55Yes, I can't.
05:56We will all starve to death.
05:58No, we won't.
06:00Look, we can eat the cheesecake with our hands.
06:03Ah.
06:04Oh.
06:05Okay.
06:06Uh, darling, you have a bit of cheesecake on your lip.
06:09Where the wet wipes?
06:11You don't have them?
06:11I thought you had them.
06:12I thought you had them.
06:14Oh!
06:18If not wiped off, the cheesecake will turn to poison,
06:22and I will be your widow!
06:26And, and, and we'll be your first!
06:31Look!
06:32Look!
06:33I take this tissue, put a bit of mineral water on it.
06:36Hey, presto, wet wipe.
06:37No fuss, no bother.
06:40Oh.
06:40Sorry, daddy.
06:41Sorry, daddy.
06:42Right.
06:43Now, I'm going to have a jam sandwich.
06:48What's that noise?
06:50There's only a bee.
06:52Oh!
06:53Oh, my God!
06:54It is a plague!
06:56Oh, no, the plague of bees will kill us all!
06:59Bee!
06:59Bee!
07:00It is a plague of bees!
07:02It will be the bee even come in the shape of a bee!
07:06Come, children!
07:07Cover me with jam, so it may take me further!
07:24What happened?
07:25The demonic bee is dead!
07:27Yes!
07:28Now, can we please eat?
07:29But, how did you kill it?
07:31With this aerosol.
07:32Oh, my God!
07:34The aerosol!
07:34You're destroying the ozone layer!
07:38I told you, if you married this man, he would carry out his evil plot to wipe out mankind with a cloud of toxic gas and a cheesecake.
07:49Everybody behind me, I'll absorb the fatal rays.
07:54So, come and me and jam, anyway.
07:57And it is my...
07:59eat!
08:05Eat!
08:06He got his A-level results!
08:21Oh, tell me the worst.
08:23No, no, no, it's great news. He got what he needed.
08:25Let me see, let me see.
08:28English A, Mathematics A, Physics A, Chemistry A.
08:36What is this?
08:38What?
08:40He got a B in Classical Studies.
08:42He got a B?
08:45It doesn't matter.
08:46What do you mean it doesn't matter? It doesn't matter.
08:48My son got a...
08:51B.
08:53It's only one.
08:54Still, it's a B.
08:56He could have got all As.
08:58Mr. Sinha's son got all As.
09:01But my son had to get a B.
09:03Mr. Sinha's son only did two A-levels.
09:06Our son did five in one sitting.
09:08He's the first in his school ever to do that.
09:10Really?
09:11Yes.
09:12Then he is going to school full of idiots.
09:15Why am I going to keep my head up in the community?
09:17My son got a B.
09:19He got the grades to do medicine at Cambridge.
09:23He's doing medicine at Cambridge?
09:25Yes.
09:27Idiot!
09:29He should be doing PhD.
09:31They don't let you do a postgraduate without a degree.
09:34I know.
09:36That's why I was telling him to do his degree in his spare time.
09:41What is wrong with him?
09:42Mr. Khanna's son is getting B.S.C.
09:44My son is only doing A-levels.
09:47Too busy playing football.
09:49He got into the Millwall first team.
09:52Millwall, Millwall, Millwall.
09:54Mr. Owen's son is getting into Liverpool.
09:57But my son can only get a place in Millwall.
10:00He will bring shape to the family.
10:02But Liverpool wouldn't give him a trial.
10:04And why is that?
10:06Because he's six!
10:08Six!
10:25Meow, pussycat.
10:27Yeah, it's me.
10:28Smita Smitten.
10:29Showbiz Kitten.
10:30Digging in the gardens of the rich and famous
10:33to unearth hot chunks of steamy gossip.
10:36And in the week of the Oscar nomination,
10:38the Cannes Film Festival and the Mardi Gras in Rio,
10:41my weekly column comes to you live and exclusive
10:44from my mother's kitchen in Bombay.
10:48So, meow, mummy.
10:49What's new, pussycat?
10:51Why are you wearing black again?
10:52Why don't you wear something cheerful?
10:54No wonder you haven't got a man.
10:56Oh!
10:58Looks like tongues have been wagging all over this crazy burg.
11:02What is the matter with you?
11:04Why can't you be normal like your sisters, hmm?
11:07When will you give me some grandchildren
11:09instead of moping about the house in your black dresses,
11:12frightening the men away like a menopausal scarecrow?
11:20Next week, my show comes live and exclusive from my bedroom
11:24where I'll be going one-on-one with a two-litre pot of pralines and cream.
11:30I love you.
11:32I love you.
11:33I love you.
11:42Do you want to?
11:43Yes.
11:44Are you sure?
11:45Oh, yes.
11:46Have you got any?
11:47It's okay.
11:48I got some from the machine in the pub.
11:49Oh.
11:50Oh.
11:51Oh.
11:52Hurry.
11:53Hurry, Peter.
11:54Uncle!
11:55Can you come to me?
11:58Huh?
11:59I can get for you much cheaper.
12:00But what are you doing?
12:01Uncle!
12:02Uncle!
12:03Uncle!
12:04Uncle!
12:05Uncle!
12:06Uncle!
12:07Uncle!
12:08See?
12:09Enough is!
12:10Keep!
12:11Keep!
12:12Keep!
12:13Keep!
12:14Friends, we are gathered here today to mark the passing of India's favourite children's
12:20entertainer.
12:21One half of a comedy duo that inspired and entertained many little children across the globe.
12:26I'm talking, of course, about Sati.
12:29Of Sati and Sweep.
12:31Yes?
12:32You want to light the funeral pyre?
12:33Well, okay.
12:34But you must be very careful.
12:35And I'm only letting you do it because there's a grown-up around.
12:36Okay?
12:37All right.
12:38Let's say the magic words, then.
12:39Easy-wizzy.
12:40Let's get busy.
12:41Do I know what Sati means?
12:42No.
12:43No.
12:44No.
12:45No.
12:46No.
12:47No.
12:48No.
12:49No.
12:50No.
12:51No.
12:52No.
12:53No.
12:54No.
12:55No.
12:56No.
12:57No.
12:58No.
12:59No.
13:00No.
13:01No.
13:02No.
13:03No.
13:04No.
13:05No.
13:06No.
13:07No.
13:08No.
13:09No.
13:10No.
13:11No.
13:12No.
13:13No.
13:14No.
13:15No.
13:16No.
13:17No.
13:18No.
13:19No.
13:20No.
13:21No.
13:22No.
13:23No.
13:24No.
13:25No.
13:26No.
13:27No.
13:28No.
13:29I don't think he can do that.
13:31It would ruin my nice new Punjabi suit.
13:34Well, she does have a point there, Sweep.
13:39She won't worry about a charred Punjabi suit when she's dead.
13:46She'll achieve nirvana by throwing herself on the funeral pyre.
13:50Oh, Mr. Cormel, Sweep knows very well
13:53that bride burning was outlawed years and years ago,
13:57and everyone here thinks it's barbaric, don't you, everyone?
14:02Mr. Cormel, please, listen.
14:05Bride burning only applied to wives,
14:07and I wasn't even married to Sati.
14:11Well, Sweep, what do you say to that?
14:15Stone the adulteress to death?
14:17OK.
14:20Oh, help! Ouch!
14:23Ouch!
14:31Squeemish factor or what, yeah?
14:33So anyway, you remember that Troy I used to go out with?
14:37Troy?
14:38You know, the one who used to get drunk and hit me with a bat.
14:42Oh, right, the one who hospitalized you for three weeks, yeah?
14:45Yeah.
14:46What about him?
14:47Bought me a Prada handbag the other day.
14:49Oh, what a sweetie.
14:50That's Sinjan and Vanessa.
15:02Oh, Dennis, you old bogey collector.
15:06Ready for a quick round on the old links?
15:08Anytime, but let's get the golf out of the way first.
15:12The links is the golf course, Dennis.
15:15I knew that.
15:17Shall we tee off?
15:19A ting, ting.
15:34Can't say it's a bloody thing.
15:37Um, say, darling, I've got an idea.
15:40Why don't we turn the stick around?
15:43Actually, they're called clubs, not sticks.
15:46yes you too sure you played golf before ha ha ha of course of course yeah we are
15:53both members of the royal and ancient chinkford golf yes I knew that let's try
16:04this end I've hit that thing a mile that thing is called a divot and it's supposed to stay on the
16:21ground like your ball has I say I'm absolutely part of whiskey shall it no thanks
16:33not while I'm driving I say where's Dennis got to oh here he comes so sorry chaps just being for a
16:47tinkle oh you went all the way back to the clubhouse no I went to that latrine
16:53that's a punker sure yes I didn't know that I had who's this chap what the hell are you people
17:09doing on this course teeing off what are you up to look you can't play here it's just not on why not
17:18because this club is restricted I'm not sure I'm with you all fruity well let me put it this way how
17:29many Asian people have you seen playing on this course I haven't seen any that's right and they
17:36usually get everywhere don't they and another thing are any of you lot called Dennis Cooper
17:43how do you know because you've written your name in the sand
17:51shall we move on to the 19th hole oh I've had enough of golf let's just go straight to the bar
17:59thank God you brought the golf guard absolutely
18:04and for dessert buttock of chimp in a raspberry mousse
18:18well we could shave the hair off
18:22all the more for me then
18:26well I'll tell you what why don't you give Patrick Cox a call and ask him where he keeps the size 2s
18:34huh
18:34oh god initiative factor or what
18:39so anyway I bumped into Mina the other day you know she was looking really terrible
18:44she should do something about it yeah I mean it's really unflattering
18:48yeah I mean you can still make the effort right leprosy or no leprosy
18:52what are you doing man put your dukes up man you all right watch out I'm switching hands
19:05you'll be putting that spring in your coke again
19:07kiss my chuggies man
19:08then then why are you dancing around like a mongoose
19:12because I'm boxing in it
19:14why
19:14because man like my Asian brothers
19:17I'm recognizing our true leader and role model
19:19the man who's going to unite all of our religions and castes with his boxing skills
19:23the best pound for pound five the world's ever seen
19:26who's that man
19:27what do you mean who's that
19:28the Asian sensation
19:30the fighting man from Pakistan
19:32the South Pole from near Lahore
19:35Prince Nassim Ahmed
19:36no no no no no no no no no no no no wait a minute man wait a minute
19:41Prince Nassim Ahmed ain't Asian
19:45Kabadar
19:48are you dissing the Packy Fist
19:52Packy Fist
19:55yeah I made it abs good innit
19:56I'm telling you that man
19:58that Prince Nassim Ahmed ain't Pakistani
20:01he's from the Middle East innit
20:04all the Asian kids love him
20:06he's the new Tiger Dalibar Singh
20:08serious businessman
20:09I don't care man
20:10Prince Nassim Ahmed's from Yemen
20:13where?
20:14Yemen the Middle East
20:16you total bestie
20:19how come he's got an Asian name then?
20:21don't mean anything man
20:23so does Muhammad Ali
20:24what the bloke from the Alana Meat Shop?
20:26no no no no
20:27the boxer
20:28he wasn't for Karachi was he?
20:31wasn't he?
20:31no
20:31and we know loads of Asians who call themselves Rocky
20:36yeah like my cousin Rakesh
20:38and my Mike Vagenda
20:39yeah
20:40but Nassim is an arrogant show-off
20:42who enjoys spending his cash on flash watches and fast cars
20:45and the
20:45that's my life
20:47fancy and poorly
20:48sorry man
20:50hey
20:52he's just like us
20:54exactly
20:54respect to the Asian sensation
20:56so come on Danny
20:57fight
20:57you know what
20:58Danny
21:03no
21:09I'm not buying it
21:11just because I can't get it off
21:12now go away
21:13and get me a carpet knife
21:14so anyway
21:16she was wearing this dreadful grey
21:19Riffat Osbeck thing
21:20you know
21:20last year's colour
21:21last year's designer
21:21she looked dreadful
21:23she always does yeah
21:24you should just blank her
21:26oh I do
21:27I haven't spunked her for months
21:28anyway
21:29how's your mother?
21:30still fat
21:31after the short gestation period
21:35the meerkat pups are born into the cosy world of the family den
21:39they are protected from predators
21:41until a few weeks later
21:42they emerge for the first time above ground
21:45blinking nervously
21:46and raising themselves shakily
21:48onto their little hind legs
21:50to take their first look
21:51at the new and wondrous landscape
21:53spread out before them
21:55that's when I like to remove their feet
21:58fry them in butter
21:59and serve with garlic
22:01and serve with garlic
22:01more for me then
22:06oh no my dad
22:09I'm going to the pictures
22:10oh have a nice time
22:12the thing is
22:13I haven't got no money
22:15oh of course
22:16here you go son
22:17enjoy yourself
22:19have fun
22:20enjoy yourself
22:28what about me mates
22:29I've got to get around in
22:31oh right
22:32well um
22:32right
22:35you have fun
22:36enjoy yourself
22:38how am I going to get there
22:41sure you've got enough there for bus fare
22:44bus
22:45I want a car
22:47taxi
22:48no
22:49a car
22:50you know
22:50a BMW
22:51one of the sport ones
22:52BMW
22:54but
22:54I don't think we've got any more
22:56jewellery
22:58come of course
23:01here you go
23:02watch
23:03you have fun
23:04don't forget your wedding rings
23:07you are our son
23:10enjoy yourself
23:12and don't be late
23:13what am if I meet a girl
23:16I can't bring her back here
23:18you can't
23:19no
23:19I need a place on me own
23:21you know
23:22one of those warehouse conversions
23:24near the river
23:24oh my word
23:25but how
23:26I mean we've
23:27not got anything else
23:28second mortgage year
23:33sign here
23:35well here's our son darling
23:39ah you tell him mum
23:40there you go
23:42you have fun
23:43thanks
23:44enjoy yourself
23:45I will
23:46mum
23:50can I borrow your air dryer please
23:52don't be ridiculous
23:53and get back to your room
23:54don't enjoy yourself
23:55well I don't know why I came here tonight
24:07I got a feeling there's something right
24:11I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair
24:15and I'm wondering how I don't stare
24:19and I'm wondering what it is I should do
24:34well of course we always fly British Airways
24:42well we always fly Britannia
24:46or monarch
24:47of course
24:49welcome to India flight 2-0
24:53my mum says I can't see my girlfriend anymore
25:09she keeps on telling me
25:12that white girl's just a whore
25:14my girlfriend says that I should just
25:18walk out the door
25:19she says there's
25:2050 ways to leave your mother
25:2350 ways to leave your mother
25:28my mother says she doesn't want me having sex
25:34I think the situation's getting too complex
25:39my girlfriend says that I should read
25:42Oedipus Rex
25:44she says there's
25:4550 ways to leave your mother
25:4750 ways to leave your mother
25:52just tell her you're a druggie juddy
25:56just say the joke we're a beer
25:58just get me in the club
26:00just listen to me
26:02you just fell in exam
26:05and ran
26:05start wearing a frock of shock
26:08just say you're in the sheep
26:10billy
26:10and set yourself free
26:12mehhhhhhhhh
26:14my mum said son
26:18I've got the perfect girl for you
26:21she's better than your gaudy
26:24she's of darker hue
26:26I said she's got a mustache
26:28and breaks wind in public too
26:30there must be
26:3150 ways to leave your mother
26:3450 ways to leave your mother
26:39I said to my mum
26:43is there no chance of consent
26:45for me to wed my rich white girl whom you resent
26:50she said if she's filthy rich cut me in for 10%
26:55there must be
26:5650 ways to leave your mother
26:5950 ways to leave your mother
27:04you just move abroad
27:06just move abroad
27:07don't do a thing
27:09don't do a thing
27:10join the PNPG
27:12join the PNPG
27:13just listen to me
27:14you gotta listen to me
27:15you just crap on the floor to shore
27:17just crap on the floor to shore
27:18make sure it's next door
27:19make sure it's next door
27:20just think of the bestie
27:21think of the bestie
27:22and set yourself free
27:24you just tell her you're a druggie juddy
27:26just tell her you're a druggie juddy
27:28just tell her you're queer and beer
27:30just tell her you're a club
27:31just listen to me
27:33you gotta listen to me
27:34you just file an exam
27:36start wearing a frock short
27:39just turn around to sheep dilly
27:41and set yourself free
27:45mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
27:47set yourself free
28:19And your general knowledge questions starting...
28:26Now, what was the nationality of the painter Botticelli?
28:28Indian.
28:29Where did the Allied conference take place after the Second World War?
28:31India.
28:32Who was the third earl?
28:32India.
28:33Cumulonimbus.
28:34Cumulus.
28:34Indian.
28:35Where did...
28:35India.
28:35Why...
28:36I've started so I'll...
28:39India.
28:40And at the end of that round, Mr...
28:42India.
28:43You have scored precisely zero points.
28:46Zero.
28:47Invented in India.
28:49Good news, gracious me!
28:55Good news, gracious me!
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