- 2 days ago
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00:00Good night, gracious me!
00:30Bye, Mum. Bye, Dad. We're off.
00:34Oh, so you two lovers of somewhere romantic?
00:38I'm just going to the pictures.
00:39Oh, a romantic film?
00:41No, no, I think it's a comedy.
00:43Oh, good idea. You know, Raju, your mother and I saw a very funny film the other day.
00:49A very funny film. You must see it.
00:52Oh, right. What was it called?
00:54I can't remember, but it was very hilarious.
00:58It all takes place on a boat.
01:01And you see, there's a lot of these crazy people there.
01:05And they're all laughing and drinking and being very silly.
01:08And there's a lot of dancing and carrying on below deck.
01:13And just when the party gets really swinging, they...
01:16They...
01:20They...
01:22They...
01:23They...
01:24They hit a nice work.
01:26And the whole bloody boat sinks.
01:36The funny thing is, there wasn't enough lifeboats to go around.
01:41So they're all splashing around in the water.
01:44Help!
01:45I can't swim!
01:46I'm not...
01:47I...
01:48Your mother and I laughed out loud.
01:50Oh, yes.
01:51Oh, that's how funny it was.
01:53Oh.
01:54That's, er...
01:55Titanic, and it's not funny.
02:00Well, we liked it, didn't we?
02:02You see, I was sitting in my living room, and I saw this dog on my driveway sniffing around.
02:30So later, I went outside and reversed my car out.
02:34And I felt this bump.
02:36Is he dead?
02:38Well, the poor little fella looks in a bad way, but I think he'll survive.
02:44And now?
02:50The year is 1905.
02:52At the University of Cambridge are gathered the world's intellectual elite.
02:56Among them, a group of young men whose destiny is to lead their mother country to independence and beyond.
03:03Nehru and Jinnah, the Cambridge years.
03:06Ah!
03:07Mr. Nehru!
03:09Mr. Jinnah!
03:13Mr. Nehru!
03:15Salaam!
03:16Salaam!
03:17Salaam!
03:18Namaste!
03:19How do you do?
03:20How do you do?
03:21How went last night's meeting?
03:24The meeting of the Congress All-India Committee?
03:27The same.
03:28Mr. Jinnah, it is indeed unfortunate that you are unable to attend.
03:32It is my firm belief that our historians will remember this meeting as the first true stirrings of Indian independence.
03:38Then it was a success.
03:40Yes.
03:41And a total lager frenzy.
03:44Yes.
03:45Yes, although personally I never touched a drop.
03:47Because of your unimpeachable moral rectitude?
03:50Yes.
03:51Though some of our colleagues were completely shedded.
03:54That's bonkers, mate.
03:58Ah!
03:59Here's young Gupta.
04:00Mr. Gupta, how go the revision for finals week?
04:02Mr. Nehru, Mr. Jinnah, I've done absolutely no revision, me.
04:07And I don't care.
04:08Because you're bonkers.
04:09Precisely.
04:10Because you're bonkers.
04:11Precisely.
04:26Oh dear.
04:28And to talk about the emerging intellectual middle class.
04:32Speaking of which, did you hear about the supper that we had in old Gandhi's rooms?
04:36Do, then.
04:37We were about to retire for a spot of billiards.
04:40Then in walked the Nawab of Pathan.
04:42Trousers around his ankles.
04:44Traffic cone on his head.
04:46Singing some ditty about four and twenty young women recently arrived from Inverness.
04:50And they talk about creating a nation state.
04:56Oh dear.
04:57Oh dear.
04:58Oh dear.
04:59Oh.
05:00I don't believe it.
05:01In it, Neenah?
05:02Here comes that guy again, trying pathetically to catch our eye.
05:06Look, buddy.
05:07We are out on a date with two gorgeous single Asian men.
05:10Tell him we haven't made them up.
05:11Yeah, and we ain't made them up neither this time.
05:12And I know you can't help drooling over our babelicious bodies, right?
05:13But we are taken, innit?
05:14Are you girls going to order a drink tonight or what?
05:15Oh.
05:16Sorry?
05:17Er...
05:18No thanks.
05:19The guys are getting our drinks from the bar.
05:20Er...
05:21You know?
05:22What do you mean the guy's going to order a drink tonight?
05:24Oh dear.
05:25Oh.
05:26Oh dear.
05:27Oh dear.
05:28Yes sir?
05:29greed.
05:30Oh dear.
05:31No thanks.
05:32The boys are getting our drinks from the bar.
05:34Oh dear.
05:35What do you mean the guy's going to want a drink tonight?
05:38Oh dear.
05:40Oh dear.
05:41Oh dear!
05:42What do you mean the guy's going to do well?
05:43Oh dear!
05:44What do you mean the guys are getting our drinks? They didn't ask us what we wanted.
05:48Yeah, but you're going to have a Malibu and creme de mousse like you always do, isn't it?
05:51That is not the point. They did not ask us. What does that say to you?
05:56That they're two nice blokes who want to buy us a drink, innit?
05:59No, man. They are trying to control us, innit?
06:02Look, it starts with a baby sham you don't want, right?
06:05And before you know it, you're pregnant and tied to a sink and he's off shagging somebody called Tracy.
06:10But these bodies are getting away with it in their dreams.
06:14You've been watching too much Jerry Springer, innit?
06:16Jerry, Jerry. Anyway, see, Dev's last girlfriend was not called Tracy, she was called Amanda.
06:24Oh, great, Amanda. So now we are landed with two Asian guys who have had their fun with white women
06:29and want to go out with two Desi doormates in their dreams.
06:34Yeah, but you're one Roman, he'd never been out with a girlie.
06:37In fact, he hasn't had a girlfriend for ages.
06:39Oh, great. So now I get the closet-gay Asian bloke
06:43and want to marry me so he can lead a sordid double life beyond my back.
06:48Well, in his dreams.
06:50Um, me now.
06:50And I'm going to tell him I don't like his jumper at all.
06:53They've gone.
06:57Just now when you were shouting and falling at the mouth.
07:00See, they're all bastards, innit?
07:02Oh.
07:04Breathe.
07:05Breathe. Breathe.
07:06Breathe.
07:07Good evening and welcome to International Mastermind coming to you from the Great Hall
07:22of the University of Madras.
07:24And may we have our first contender, please.
07:27Your name, please.
07:32Professor, Arjuna Ranatunga Hathur-Razir Bhatarsan Ghe Dharmasena Ferreira
07:37Kappat-Prin to the bottom of the box.
07:39You've started, so you may finish.
07:42Aravinda the Silver hyphen Russell Arnold Smith.
07:45Mr. Nehru, as the leading Muslim representative of the All-India Committee,
07:52I must warn you, my people will not back down on this issue.
07:55Mr. Jinnah, we fully understand your feelings.
07:57But as Chairman of Congress, I must tell you that we Hindus will not be dictated to in this matter.
08:01Mr. Nehru, I must say now, oh, Mr.
08:03Chairman, in the interest of maintaining solidarity within the committee, I have a proposal.
08:08I shall lie on the bed.
08:10Then you can both push.
08:19Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
08:24Now on the Lahore cable network, we take you to England
08:27for our gritty fly-on-the-wall docu-soap about a typical English family.
08:33Yes, it's High and Blighty,
08:36starring Ayub Khan as Arthur Simkin,
08:39Ritu Nair as Mary Simkin,
08:41Asha Chatta as Victoria,
08:42and Chippy Singh as Charles.
08:48Mary-ah!
08:49Where's we tea and supper, you silly cow?
08:53Lord Kai-kull, I've been busy.
08:56Here, watch it, or I'll divorce you.
09:00Anyway, what have you been up to?
09:02Doing shagging with the milkman.
09:04Oh, we are English.
09:08Right, right.
09:10Anyway, where's the bleeding kids?
09:11No idea.
09:12I haven't seen them for a couple of weeks.
09:14There you go, Bobbie!
09:16Lord, shut up!
09:19Charles, Victoria, where you been?
09:22Get laid!
09:24Taking drugs!
09:25And what are you doing if you're going down to wheelchair piss off?
09:29I'm English,
09:31and I have no respect for the elders.
09:36Hey-ya!
09:37Your granddad fought in the war against the Hitler's.
09:40Me?
09:41Hang on a minute, you disgusting old fart.
09:42Have you kids forgotten what day it is today?
09:45Is it the day you finally get a job?
09:50No, you cheeky-cheeky.
09:52It's rent day, so be like regular English kids and pay up your little toe rags.
09:56I can't.
09:56And another thing.
09:59You better start looking for somewhere to live.
10:01Because when you're 16, you're out!
10:05Who's that?
10:06Some tart I was shagging when I should have been at your school careers open evening.
10:10When are you going to find yourself a bloke who'll get you up the duff and off me hands?
10:15He, uh, granddad's got a deal.
10:20I think he needs the medical attention.
10:23We can't afford it.
10:24But he might die!
10:26Good!
10:27We could do with having that room back.
10:30That's right.
10:31We're English.
10:32We think more of our pets than we do of our own parents.
10:35Hey, granddad's died!
10:43Everyone down to the pub!
10:44Hooray!
10:46When do I pay blue?
10:50Shut up!
10:52What do you want more?
10:54Domination, bit of S&M, water sports.
10:57Hey, if you wanted water sports, why didn't you come to me?
11:00No, I can get for you much cheaper.
11:03No, no, it was a pleasure.
11:04Really, don't worry.
11:05Don't worry.
11:06Don't worry!
11:07Shut up.
11:14It was a most tragic program.
11:17Very sad.
11:18Yes, because, don't you see, he would have succeeded in his endeavors and made something of his life
11:24if it wasn't for this, this, this plonker, Rodney.
11:32They could have been millionaires.
11:34Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
11:42Thank you for attending the launch of my new spiritual guidebook,
11:46The Maharishi Yogi's True Path to Enlightenment.
11:48Now, as we are all aware, the market for spiritual guidebooks is currently saturated by many charlatans.
11:57People like Deepak Chopra, Dalai Lama, Delia Smith.
12:04These people miss the very essence of Vedic teaching, as summarized by the ancient Sanskrit dictum.
12:13Blighten, na grisham, na rushti.
12:24Yogi, ya scooby, ya mutli.
12:26This is meaning, the best things in life are free.
12:36But you can keep them for the birds and bees, I want money.
12:38But my book is the only one that remains both faithful to the principles of Vedic teaching and also available in pop-up form.
12:50I was first inspired to write this book after the astounding success of my first work,
12:57The Maharishi's Genealogy of Contemporary Moral Eastern Philosophy,
13:02later turned into the Hollywood blockbuster Basic Instinct.
13:08In my new book, I try to solve the problems of life in a stress-filled modern world.
13:14Now, there are two paths to spiritual fulfillment.
13:19I would recommend the hardback path priced $18.99.
13:24Now, as you all know, my book is the center of some controversy.
13:31There are those that disagree with my teachings,
13:33those that are critical of my work,
13:36especially chapter 29, where the guru meets the two Californian blondes in the jacuzzi.
13:40To these skeptics, I would like to quote an ancient Sanskrit proverb.
13:59This is meaning,
14:02come on, I'm trying to sell some books here.
14:10G'day.
14:12Welcome to Rev's Animal Hospital.
14:15I'm here in the waiting room at the New Delhi Animal Dispensary,
14:18here with Mr. Bhatia.
14:19G'day.
14:21Hello.
14:23Now, who's this you brought along with you today?
14:26He's a lovely little fellow, haven't you?
14:28He's my cleaner.
14:31The chap seems to be in a bit of pain.
14:33Yes, well, you see, he got run over.
14:36Well, it might. How did that happen?
14:37He spilled tea on my jacket, so I pushed him under a bus.
14:42Big bastard.
14:44Still, never mind, eh?
14:46Cheer up, little fella.
14:48Ah, shit!
14:49Yeah!
14:59I told you you'd like Pulp Fiction.
15:01Quentin Tarantino's a brilliant director.
15:04Yes, it's well-directed.
15:07But the reason the film is so great...
15:08Ah, OK, OK, I know what you're going to say.
15:11Uma Thurman is Indian.
15:12Because Uma is a Hindi name.
15:16Not just Thurman.
15:17The other fellow, dancing chap, John.
15:18To Walter?
15:19Trivandrum!
15:20What?
15:20Ah, originally John Trivandrum, Indian.
15:22No!
15:23Ah, come on here, check him out in Saturday Night Fever, eh?
15:26White suit, kipper tie, big flares.
15:28You can tell by the way he used his walk.
15:35He's a Hindi man, no time to talk.
15:38Dad?
15:39And not just him.
15:40All Hollywood superstars, Indian.
15:41What?
15:42Hollywood golden couple, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Indian.
15:46Originally, Om Cruise and Nicole Kidda.
15:48Ah!
15:50And not just them.
15:51Also, Rupi Goldberg.
15:54Robert Redford.
15:55Deli Moore.
15:57Raja Moore.
15:58Blonde bombshell, Buljeet Nielsen.
16:01Model-turned-actress, Hindi Crawford.
16:03Rubbish!
16:04You're just making it all up.
16:06Then how do you explain Shirley Temple?
16:13As you can see, by utilizing advanced yogic relaxation techniques,
16:19I'm able to take my left arm over the back of my head
16:23and reach the green circle of the...
16:25Hi, Rupi.
16:32I can't believe my darling baby little girl is getting married tomorrow.
16:37Seems like only yesterday I was wiping up after you.
16:42Mum, it was only yesterday.
16:44I mean, after being force-fed 17 Ladoos, you'd vomit too.
16:47And tomorrow you will be stolen away from me?
16:52Dragged off by baying menfolk to another family far, far away?
16:56In Ilford!
16:57It takes 20 minutes on the North Circular.
17:00Please stop worrying.
17:01It'll be fine.
17:02Oh, Betty, it's not the wedding I'm worried about.
17:05It's, uh...
17:06afterwards.
17:07You know, when you both go home together and you have to perform your...
17:13wifely duties?
17:15Oh, my God!
17:17You poor innocent child!
17:18How are you going to cope?
17:19Mum, Dinesh and I have been going out for eight years, right?
17:23Eight years?
17:24You kept him waiting all that time?
17:26My God!
17:27He'd be like a wild animal.
17:29Look, Mum, it...
17:30The thing is...
17:31No, no, you know, if they go without it for just one day,
17:34terrible things start to happen.
17:36They drive too fast everywhere, they start fights.
17:39Mum, where do you get these ideas from?
17:42Oh, and if your father doesn't get any action for a week,
17:45he's jumping me in hallways and begging...
17:47...redo-masochistic domination.
17:50Look, Mum, Dinesh and...
17:51A bit of what?
17:55...redo-masochistic domination.
17:58You know, for the first few years, you can cope with it.
18:01You know, four times a night, the lunchtime knee tremblers, etc., etc.
18:06And, of course, you get a bit of a rest when the babies come along.
18:09Sorry, did you say four times a night?
18:12Oh, no, no, no.
18:14Now it's down to two or three.
18:16But then...
18:17For 40 years, you want to say,
18:19Stop! Enough with the Anne Summer's catsuits
18:22and the vibrating eggs.
18:24Give God, woman, a break!
18:27Vibrating eggs?
18:29Oh, listen to me.
18:32I know I don't need to tell you modern girls
18:34how to prolong a man's pleasure
18:36by biting down on the sensitive part of...
18:38Oh, no, Mum, Mum, please, please, please, please.
18:42Sorry, darling, I just don't want you to go through what I do.
18:47Very little chance of that, Mum.
18:49Hello, Betty.
18:53Bedtime already?
18:55Goodbye, Betty.
19:02Mr. Jinnar,
19:03I quite clearly heard what our colleague said last night
19:06and you must concede that you are wrong.
19:08I concede nothing.
19:10Mr. Jinnar,
19:11your obstinacy compounds the error.
19:13No, it doesn't.
19:15Ah, here's young Gupta.
19:16He will be able to answer this question for us.
19:19Mr. Gupta,
19:21tell us what Maharaja of Rishipuri told Mr. Nehru last night.
19:25Gentlemen, his answer was quite unambiguous.
19:27He said,
19:28fuzzy duck.
19:30When what he should have said was,
19:32ducky fuzz.
19:32Anyway,
19:33just after you left,
19:35in walks the Navarro of Pataan.
19:37Drowsers around his ankles.
19:38Yes,
19:39and a traffic...
19:40Traffic corn on his head.
19:41Absolutely.
19:42They talk about sovereign autonomy.
19:46Oh, dear.
19:47Oh, dear.
19:48Oh, dear.
19:48Oh, dear.
19:53Namaste, Shanti.
19:54Oh, namaskar, Shishila.
19:58Cold today, no?
19:59Oh, brass bandar weather, huh?
20:04How's the family?
20:06Oh, busy, busy, very busy, you know.
20:10They went this morning to Florida on holiday.
20:14So nice.
20:15Yours?
20:16Oh, very busy.
20:18They also went on holiday this morning.
20:21Spain.
20:22Oh.
20:24So they didn't leave you a key either?
20:27No.
20:27But never mind, hmm?
20:31Plenty to do in the park, you know?
20:36Old friends like bookends
20:40Sharing a bench in the rain
20:43Every day is the same
20:47Does no bloody good to complain
20:51In town centres and parks
20:54Are others like us
20:56Huddled in bunches
20:58Not making the fuss
20:59Growing old in the cold
21:01England's turned us all grey
21:03We were once independent
21:05Now we're just in the way
21:09Old friends like bookends
21:13Eating pickle and pronte gone cold
21:17We let happy memories unfold
21:21When we had teeth and bladder control
21:24Will you retire back to India
21:27Is what we all said
21:29But our kids are still here
21:31And our friends are all dead
21:33The house we grew up in
21:35Demolished last spring
21:37For Bombay's new bronze
21:40Of Burger King
21:42Old friends like bookends
21:47Wondering where we call home
21:51Where the heart is
21:53Says the poem
21:55Wolverhampton
21:57Says my son
21:5865 years of being mother and wife
22:03So little to show
22:05For so long a life
22:07Children don't want us
22:09Around in the home
22:11Thank God that the buggers
22:13Now leave us alone
22:16Old friends like bookends
22:25Having a laugh in the park
22:28Using bus pass after dark
22:32Not caring who hears us fart
22:36We gate crash all weddings
22:39Pretending we're lost
22:41We talk loud Punjabi
22:43To piss people off
22:45We switch off our deaf aids
22:47When we want some peace
22:49Being ignored sometimes means
22:52That you're free
22:53And when we're all gone
22:55There goes your history
22:57Old friends
23:01So young at heart
23:03But such old friends
23:05So young at heart
23:07But such old friends
23:09Old, old friends
23:13And so we commit
23:22Brave little Geoffrey
23:23To the place
23:24Where all the little hamsters
23:25Go when they die
23:26Is that heaven daddy?
23:30No, India
23:30Tonight on The Late Review
23:39We'll be discussing
23:40The new production of King Lear
23:41At the National Theatre
23:42Joining me live in the studio
23:44Are Tony Parsons
23:45Columnist with The Daily Mirror
23:46The academic and writer
23:47Jermaine Greer
23:48The poet and critic
23:49Tom Paulin
23:50And an elderly Indian couple
23:51From Slough
23:52So what could we say
23:55About King Lear
23:55That hasn't been said before?
23:58Bloody funny
23:59He laughed out loud
24:02When he popped his eyes
24:05Gonorrhea
24:07Why didn't you come to me?
24:25I'll get for you
24:27Don't worry
24:27Don't worry
24:28Don't worry
24:29Uncle Power
24:31Skipping that
24:43Skipping that
24:45Skipping that
24:47Skipping that
24:49Skipping that
24:51Skipping that
24:53That's a girl's name
25:01Tubby
25:02Man, you got problems
25:03I think we need to have
25:04A bit of a talk
25:05Hey, don't shush me
25:07This is delicate
25:08How do I put this?
25:10It's about that bottom
25:10Touching thing
25:11Why it's Skipping?
25:13It's Skipping
25:13You dirty little ass
25:14Fondling pervy grassy
25:15I'm back with you
25:16Goosing me up
25:17At every opportunity
25:18You know, once in a while
25:19In private
25:19After a few drinks
25:20It's okay
25:21But you need help
25:21I can't come out
25:23With you now, Skip
25:24I'm doing your lessons
25:25Yeah, pervert lessons
25:27Glenda
25:27My butthole is private property
25:29Get your fat ass off the chair
25:30And follow me
25:31Oh, right
25:32But it better be important
25:34Because if Dad finds out
25:36I'll be in for it
25:37Hey, he's another bum bandit
25:38She's a pair of furry cheeks
25:40Hey, well, why?
25:44Keep away from my bum
25:45Keep away
25:48You're getting too close
25:49Hands off
25:50There's a mobile ass clinic
25:52Just ahead
25:53With specialist ass doctors
25:54They'll be able to help you
25:55With your fluffy
25:56Juff perversion thing
25:57Come on
26:00What's that noise, Skip?
26:03It's the flying ass doctors
26:05In it
26:05Get yourself down there pronto, kid
26:07See the specialist
26:08He'll see you right
26:10What are they doing out here?
26:12Yeah, sorting out
26:13Dubby little buggers like you
26:14Come on
26:14Let's get out and find out
26:15Ass, ass
26:16You on your own, fatty
26:18No one gonna experiment
26:19With my buttocks
26:19I'm off to the pub
26:20Couple of pints
26:21Get some totty
26:22You know
26:23Oh, totty
26:24How did you get in front of me?
26:27Where have they gone?
26:29Gone back to Uranus
26:30Did you get it?
26:31Joe wouldn't go
26:32He promised me another two dollars
26:34Well, I got two dollars
26:35But, I mean, what's in it for me?
26:37You know
26:37Hey, what are you doing?
26:38What are you doing?
26:39Hello
26:39Yeah, dear like robbery
26:41Two dollars for a lousy handjob
26:43Okay, stop the car
26:47I'm gonna be sick
26:47Stop
26:48Open the door
26:48Quick
26:49It's coming
26:50Out
26:50Open the door
26:51Oh, that's better
26:53Hey
26:54Hey, don't touch
26:55Don't touch
26:56Not coming with you
26:58If you're gonna start doing all that nonsense
26:59Now, if you can
27:00Whoa
27:01Look at this
27:01He's not in public
27:02There's people watching and everything
27:03Phew
27:04I need a bloody drink
27:05Good idea, sir
27:08Yeah, gin and tonic
27:09Ramlal
27:09Get on
27:10Touch the
27:10Oh, come on
27:12Let's all three go in here
27:13And we come on
27:14Oh, not both of you
27:15Yeah, you bloody lousy charlatan
27:17Worst arse doctor ever
27:19I'm reporting all of you to Rolf Bleeding Harris
27:21A very personal friend of mine, Rolf
27:23Army days
27:24Bye, Skippy
27:25Yeah, bye
27:26Wanker
27:27Ha, ha, ha
27:58Then we are agreed, gentlemen.
28:04It is time for us to move forward to meet our destiny
28:07and to show the waiting world that we are indeed ready
28:11to steer Mother India towards the independence.
28:21Good, it's gracious me.
28:28Good, thank you.
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