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00:00I wanted to start by saying it's such an honour to be on a panel because like to
00:05my left is a man who was like my absolute hero when I was growing up like
00:08he was sort of my generation posters of him all over my wall you mean Michael
00:16my secretary of state for education I'm delighted that I played such a joyous
00:24part in contributing to Chloe's future success I can't read
01:09this week at Buckingham Palace the king prepares for his weekly meeting with
01:10Good evening, welcome to Have I Got News For You, I'm David Tennant. In the
01:14news this week at Buckingham Palace the king prepares for his weekly
01:17meeting with Keir Starmer.
01:20LAUGHTER
01:24In Washington, in the middle of a speech on valuable alliances, Donald
01:28Trump spots Emmanuel Macron turning up late.
01:37And Derek Hargreaves from Yuval regrets not taking it easy following his
01:42haemorrhoid surgery.
01:44LAUGHTER
01:50On Ian's team tonight, a comedian who can currently be seen on
01:53a show called The Way Out, which is all about being stuck in a room and
01:57trying to find the quickest way to escape, much like being a member of
02:00Keir Starmer's cabinet.
02:01Please welcome Chloe Petz.
02:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:08On Paul's team tonight, a leading Conservative politician who was twice the
02:12minister for levelling up. Not sure how effective he was, but to be fair he has
02:16overseen the rise of one youngster from a humble Scottish fishing community all
02:20the way to the peerage in the House of Lords. Please welcome Baron Michael Gove of
02:26The Way Out.
02:30We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Paul and Michael.
02:34Yes.
02:34Here's yours.
02:35OK, well that's the World Cup trophy that's been presented to Donald Trump there.
02:39That's Scotland, they're the winners of the World Cup and they're on their way to the
02:43ceremonial camper van.
02:44LAUGHTER
02:45That's Trump's cabinet.
02:48LAUGHTER
02:48And that is a...
02:51Well, it's a shower, but not golden.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:58LAUGHTER
02:59Yes.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:01Which of course the World Cup was.
03:03Yes.
03:04We seem to have found a special subject early.
03:06LAUGHTER
03:08Yes, indeed, it's the news that Scotland's campaign for World Cup glory
03:12kicks off next week.
03:14Who are Scotland up against?
03:16Haiti.
03:17Yes.
03:18Brazil.
03:19Yes.
03:20Morocco.
03:20Well done, Michael, yes.
03:23That applause must be a welcome sound, Michael.
03:27LAUGHTER
03:27What is it? I've never heard it before.
03:30Scotland's game against Brazil is in Miami.
03:33Mm.
03:33Local stores are preparing for the Tartan Armoury by stocking up on beer,
03:37snacks and factor 1,000 sun cream.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:40Both England and Scotland have qualified.
03:44It's now been 60 years of hurt.
03:47Chloe, is this finally the year football comes home?
03:50Well, it came home for the women, lest we forget.
03:53Yes.
03:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
03:58I think it could be coming home, but Trump will probably stop it
04:01at the borders if it will.
04:03But I'm just...
04:04I'm kind of excited to see you guys.
04:06Like, I...
04:06I just am enthralled with Scott McTominay,
04:10because his name sounds like JK Rowling trying to name
04:13that one Scottish kid at Hogwarts.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:19He sounds like salt-of-the-earth Scottish,
04:22and he just...
04:22He doesn't look like a Scot.
04:23Like, he looks, like, too well put together.
04:26And I think...
04:28LAUGHTER
04:34You, um, touring Scotland at all?
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38Not any more.
04:40I just can't wait for the whole thing.
04:42Give us your analysis, Ian.
04:45It's going to start and then it will finish.
04:47LAUGHTER
04:49What treat did England captain Harry Kane get just before...
04:53Wax work.
04:54Yes!
04:55Yeah, he was very surprised.
04:56It's in Madame Tussauds.
04:57Let's look at it.
04:57Yeah.
04:58It's good, isn't it?
04:59Yeah.
05:00Yes, look at that.
05:01Which one is it?
05:03LAUGHTER
05:03I don't think he went to Madame Tussauds wearing the England shirt,
05:06so...
05:07It does look a lot like Harry Kane, which is more than can be said,
05:10for these wax works of David and Victoria Beckham.
05:14LAUGHTER
05:16Oh.
05:17Any guesses who these three are?
05:20Er, is that Paul Gascoigne in the middle?
05:22Yes.
05:22Is that Glenn Hoddle on the left?
05:25It's not Glenn Hoddle, no.
05:27Brian Robson.
05:28No.
05:28Anwar Sadat.
05:29I mean...
05:31Gary Lineker.
05:31Yes, it's Gary Lineker!
05:33Well done!
05:34What item has been unveiled that hopes to bring England and Scotland
05:37fans together at the World Cup?
05:39Oh, yes.
05:40Oh!
05:40Yes, it's a half Scotland, half England shirt.
05:43That's exactly it.
05:44Which neither country will buy.
05:46Fans won't want to have a Scotland emblem,
05:47and Scotland certainly won't want an England emblem,
05:49so nobody's going to buy it.
05:50You can get them in Iceland.
05:51Let's have a look.
05:53There you go.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:55Oh, it's not getting a good response in the studio, is it?
05:59I didn't realise Iceland were playing.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03Er, formerly the Republic of Bee Jam.
06:07These three people are clearly thinking,
06:09if I shut my eyes, I'm not being photographed.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:14I think on the left is Gary Lineker.
06:17LAUGHTER
06:19Who is Scotland's biggest supporter?
06:22Rod Stewart.
06:23Yes.
06:23Well, it's another singer.
06:25Susan Boyle.
06:26That's it!
06:27Do you know why?
06:28Yes, because she's done this Iron Brew advert,
06:31where she breakdances in front of a bridge.
06:35We've got to have a look at this.
06:37Take it to the bridge, Simo!
06:38We made a feeling for the slavers to win
06:41From what we're lacking to play
06:42So we know what's up again
06:44We're going to be for your heart
06:46Don't be the top of an army
06:48Let's all go to land all
06:50The stutter of the wind
06:54We're leading strong
07:00Everybody say
07:01Hurry from further
07:03And we'll get through everything
07:09APPLAUSE
07:15I think it's sensational.
07:17I think it's sensational.
07:18Unironically, I love it.
07:19Yeah.
07:20I think it's Scotland's answer to Vindaloo, certainly.
07:25And Vindaloo is personally my favourite ever football song.
07:27I think it should be England's national anthem.
07:30It's catchy
07:31And it's sang by a man called Fat Les
07:34Which is actually how I personally identify.
07:42Well, but on the subject, does anyone remember...
07:44Subject of what?
07:47Football.
07:49Scottish World Cup song.
07:51Oh, Scottish World Cup song.
07:52Great.
07:53One more on the subject.
07:53Anyone remember the Scottish anthem from the 1978 World Cup in Argentina?
07:58Oh.
07:58We're on the march with Ali's army.
08:00Yeah.
08:00We're going to the Argentine.
08:02Yeah.
08:02It'll really shake them up.
08:03We win the World Cup
08:04Cos Scotland are the greatest football team.
08:06Oh, God.
08:06Well done.
08:08APPLAUSE
08:10Do you know, I prefer you talking about levelling up.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:20Solid knowledge, though.
08:22Solid knowledge.
08:23Solid knowledge.
08:23Can I just say at this point that I've always liked experts.
08:27I think...
08:27LAUGHTER
08:34Well, England, they don't seem to have a World Cup anthem this year, apparently.
08:38Would anyone like to suggest one?
08:40I had thought that it was going to be a reworked version of The Beatles' Come Together.
08:45Oh, er...
08:45Help.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:47Don't they still sing the one about the shirt?
08:51Three lines on the shirt.
08:52That's the one.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54I think I've been brought onto this show today to translate Football Cube and act as your
09:00bouncer in case you go for Michael Go.
09:02LAUGHTER
09:06Meanwhile, how did one football fan get in trouble with police after the Champions League
09:10final last Saturday?
09:12Er...
09:13French fan.
09:14England fans put flares up their butts.
09:16Did he put a baguette up there?
09:17I mean, you're in the right ballpark.
09:20LAUGHTER
09:20What?
09:23An eclair?
09:24Er...
09:25It was a large garlic sausage.
09:26Oh.
09:27And following riots in Paris after PSG's victory, a French fan has been sentenced to
09:32four months house arrest for hitting a police officer with a large garlic sausage.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:36The fan pleaded, I didn't intend to throw it at him, I just wanted to get rid of it.
09:41LAUGHTER
09:43Is he here?
09:44Is he here?
09:46It is amazing what Radha could do to this.
09:50The judge was having none of it.
09:51You may be trembling now!
09:53LAUGHTER
09:54But your hand didn't tremble when you threw that sausage at the policeman!
09:59LAUGHTER
10:01APPLAUSE
10:06I think...
10:07LAUGHTER
10:08I think we know who's starring in the remake of The Pink Panther now.
10:12Thank you very much.
10:12LAUGHTER
10:14As the last show of the series, I've got a game for you!
10:17CHEERING
10:18It's called The Funny Name Quiz.
10:20OK.
10:21Fingers on buzzers.
10:22Here's your first one.
10:23What is the name of a former Tory councillor for the Solihull Metropolitan Borough Council?
10:29Is it Derek Pothole?
10:32LAUGHTER
10:34Yes.
10:35I don't have anything, I just wanted us to respect the buzzer system.
10:37Thank you!
10:40APPLAUSE
10:43It's because I had a very punitive education.
10:46LAUGHTER
10:50His glorious name is Bob Slay.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55The trouble about this quiz is there's no chance of us getting any of it right.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:00Yes, this is the World Cup and England manager Thomas Tuchel has named his team to win the tournament.
11:06Spain.
11:08LAUGHTER
11:11Ticket prices for the World Cup matches have been quoted as high as £12,000.
11:16If you want to see Scotland's opening game, however, Peter Murrell has got four executive tickets.
11:20He can't use them any more.
11:23LAUGHTER
11:25APPLAUSE
11:26Ian and Chloe, here's yours.
11:29That's Peter Mandelson, with a red box, perhaps a suitcase, heading towards incarceration.
11:35I don't know.
11:37The candidate for the by-election, texts, screens, and Burnham.
11:43A turbulent week in politics, I think we can agree.
11:45A turbulent week.
11:46I think what we've seen is a large number of members of the Cabinet
11:50stabbing each other in the back in the hope of becoming leader.
11:54Michael.
11:56LAUGHTER
11:59APPLAUSE
12:00This is an unprecedented departure from the high standards
12:04that have been set by previous governments.
12:05Yes!
12:07I mean, how does it feel?
12:09You're in Cabinet, you're being polite, you're pretending to support them,
12:13then you go out, you stab them in the back.
12:16How do you feel?
12:17Um, well, it obviously depends on whose back you're stabbing.
12:21LAUGHTER
12:22In some cases, it's a solemn duty.
12:24Yeah.
12:24In other cases, it's positive pleasure.
12:26Right.
12:28LAUGHTER
12:30APPLAUSE
12:31Yeah.
12:31This is amazing.
12:33You tried to be leader a couple of times, didn't you?
12:36Twice.
12:37Twice.
12:37How did that go?
12:38Er, I came third both times, which is, erm...
12:43An unmemorable double humiliation.
12:46You did stop Boris being leader once.
12:48I did, yes, but as we all, I think, subsequently know,
12:51that was only a temporary alleviation.
12:55Yeah.
12:55But it was your one good deed in this life.
12:58LAUGHTER
13:04But, Mandelson, I mean, people say, you know, it's extraordinary
13:06how he survived, but, I mean, you were sacked and then dismissed
13:10and then you always came back.
13:12I mean, they're cockroaches, I know, who...
13:14..who were in awe of your...
13:18..ability.
13:19And I preferred Cameron's definition.
13:21He said, you had one overriding quality.
13:23Have I got this right?
13:24Which was disloyalty.
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27I think I have many other good qualities, isn't it?
13:30Yeah.
13:30Yeah.
13:30I can't think of any, but that's a good one.
13:33Perfidy, treachery.
13:35Yeah.
13:36Why is Mandelson in such trouble?
13:38What dropped on Monday?
13:39What did we have on Monday?
13:41More files, more WhatsApp groups.
13:43More files.
13:44The Mandelson files were heralded as a big bombshell of shit
13:47that was going to fall on the government.
13:49It was a bit of a damp squib, wasn't it?
13:51It was a bit of a damp squib.
13:53There was nothing terribly shocking.
13:55The fact that all these members of the Cabinet
13:57had been bitchy about each other behind their backs
14:00and had been plotting and...
14:01Yeah.
14:01But there was one big shock, which was Pat McFadden.
14:04Mm.
14:05Cos he said something sensible.
14:07Yes.
14:08Um...
14:10About weighing up benefits and taxes.
14:13Working Pensions Secretary Pat McFadden said,
14:16Labour MPs are only interested in one question.
14:19Who can we tax to pay benefits to others?
14:22I mean, it's a good question.
14:23Who can we tax to pay benefits to others?
14:25Yeah.
14:26I think magazine editors, probably.
14:29Wow.
14:30I'll get him!
14:32Both of us!
14:34I mean, Amazon?
14:36Yeah.
14:36Well, that would be good.
14:37In amongst the Mandelson WhatsApps and emails,
14:39what did we learn about the government's attitude
14:41to mobile phone technology?
14:43Well, Keir Starmer uses an app which makes you disappear.
14:47That's right.
14:49You disappear?
14:50Your previous correspondence disappears.
14:52But it means he hasn't got anything incriminating.
14:55Yeah.
14:55Which is really useful, cos it means he doesn't then have to get
14:58his phone stolen by anyone.
15:02He's got a disappearing WhatsApp message function.
15:04Yes, that's what it's called.
15:06It is permitted by ministerial guidelines as long as it doesn't
15:09affect record-keeping.
15:14In the old days, you used to get into trouble with emails,
15:16though, didn't you, Michael?
15:18Er...
15:19Never!
15:20When you were in the Department of Education,
15:21there was a bit of a problem about you handing them over,
15:24wasn't there?
15:24Oh, no, I was always very happy to hand them over.
15:27You just couldn't find them?
15:28Some of them weren't missing, yes.
15:30LAUGHTER
15:32Just to say, nothing changes.
15:35We saw reform candidate Robert Kenyon there.
15:38Yes.
15:39Did you see his interview with the BBC?
15:41Yes.
15:42Yeah?
15:42He had to say,
15:43I've not made sexual remarks about Carol Vorderman.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:48Which I think is like if you put Bill Clinton's
15:52I did not have sexual relations with that woman through AI
15:55and said make it British.
15:58LAUGHTER
16:00He was asked if he'd said that Brexit was an economically
16:04damaged project promoted by politicians who
16:06peddled the nationalistic pish.
16:09He replied, I've got no recollection of saying that.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13I'm not sure what nationalistic pish means.
16:16He really is in the wrong party.
16:19LAUGHTER
16:19Nick Clegg claimed that the late Queen had expressed support
16:23of Brexit at a private lunch.
16:25Who told them that?
16:27Michael.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:30I wouldn't know.
16:32It was claimed it was you, though.
16:34Yes, it was.
16:35Oh, I wouldn't know.
16:37You wouldn't know.
16:38You wouldn't know that it was you or you wouldn't know
16:40that it wasn't you?
16:41I wouldn't know.
16:42This is amazing.
16:43You know so much until you don't know anything.
16:46LAUGHTER
16:47Wow.
16:49APPLAUSE
16:54Kenyon told the BBC, once you're being paid by the public purse
16:57to represent them, you've got a duty to behave in a certain way.
17:01Does Nigel Farage know about that?
17:04LAUGHTER
17:04Has he been behaving in a certain way?
17:07No.
17:07He's been trying to exploit a tragedy for his own personal political gain,
17:13which is rather nauseating.
17:15He's been rightly criticised by nearly everybody.
17:17He did exactly what the family asked everyone not to do,
17:20was to turn this into a divisive issue.
17:23Yes, his comments following the trial over the murder of Henry Novak
17:26about pure cold rage and anticipating more trouble in the streets
17:30were condemned by all sides of the house.
17:32His defenders said that he should not be held responsible for what happened
17:35because he'd specifically called for cold rage, not hot rage.
17:40Yes.
17:40Obviously, if it had been gently warm rage...
17:43Or even far rage.
17:44That might have been...
17:46LAUGHTER
17:48APPLAUSE
17:51Elon Musk's nice, isn't he?
18:01Isn't that an aftershave?
18:05Yes, the by-election is still going on in Mickafield.
18:08Andy Burnham is apparently going to produce his own beer mats.
18:11Anyone know what it says on them?
18:12Er, change labour?
18:14Yes.
18:14Something like that?
18:15Change labour, keep the faith.
18:17It's a design clearly nicked from this old Northern Soul badge
18:20from the 70s.
18:21Ooh.
18:22Who wants to see some Northern Soul dancing from the 70s?
18:26From you, David.
18:27Not yet.
18:34It's not as good as this, though.
18:36I know what's coming.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:48LAUGHTER
18:51LAUGHTER
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52LAUGHTER
18:54LAUGHTER
18:55LAUGHTER
18:56APPLAUSE
18:57APPLAUSE
19:00Nice moves, Michael!
19:02That's real Northern Soul.
19:03That was Aberdeen, not Wigan Casino.
19:05Proper North.
19:06Proper North.
19:06Proper North.
19:06Yeah.
19:07Does Strictly beckon?
19:08I suspect that actually, probably, sectioning beckons rather than...
19:13LAUGHTER
19:14If only you'd said that years ago.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:20APPLAUSE
19:21Yes, this is the latest release of Mandelson papers,
19:24also known as The Pedophiles.
19:33That was his mate.
19:35LAUGHTER
19:35But before we go any further, I should say we need to be careful
19:39how many times we say Mandelson, cos if you say his name three times in a row,
19:43it does summon him.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:45The latest release of communications with Mandelson has cost
19:49£1 million of taxpayers' money.
19:52Half of that on Tipex.
19:54LAUGHTER
19:55On to round two.
19:56The swirl of news.
19:59Fingers on buzzers, teams.
20:00Here's your first one.
20:04BUZZER
20:07BUZZER
20:08BUZZER
20:08Donald Trump's going to have to remove his name
20:10from the John F Kennedy Memorial Centre.
20:12The judge has ordered that.
20:14Why was it ruled illegal?
20:15Well, it's meant to be Memorial Centre for John F Kennedy.
20:18LAUGHTER
20:20It's meant to go through Congress.
20:21It was meant to go through Congress, exactly.
20:23But so is everything else.
20:24Yes.
20:24Including the war.
20:25But he doesn't need Parliament.
20:27Well, it was just voted through by the Centre's Board of Trustees.
20:30Chairman of that board being...
20:32Donald Trump.
20:33There you go.
20:33Yes.
20:35But he's not giving up on his legacy that easily.
20:37No, cos he's got plans for the 250th.
20:39What other plans?
20:40He's going to change his name to John F Kennedy.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:46And he wants his face on the $250 banknote.
20:50Yeah, which the Constitution, I think, specifically says you are not
20:53allowed to have a living person on the banknote.
20:56Well, he keeps boasting that he's had now four cognitive tests
20:58without ever sort of questioning why they keep giving him the test.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03You've interviewed him, haven't you, Michael?
21:05I have, yes, in 2017.
21:08Yeah?
21:08It was quite a sympathetic interview, wasn't it?
21:11I prefer to think of it as balanced.
21:13Yeah.
21:13Sycophantic drivel was the...
21:15LAUGHTER
21:16..praise I was looking for.
21:19APPLAUSE
21:20I love it.
21:22How are the peace talks with Iran going?
21:24It's difficult to tell through, you can't really hear them,
21:26because through the constant bombing.
21:28LAUGHTER
21:30He had a conversation which got leaked with Benjamin Netanyahu.
21:34Yes, he did, yes.
21:35And it was a strange case of, again, someone finding out,
21:38very, very late, what they're dealing with.
21:42You're Jewish?
21:43LAUGHTER
21:46LAUGHTER
21:48APPLAUSE
21:51He said, you're crazy, he said you're effing crazy.
21:54Who said that, Trump?
21:55Yeah.
21:55And he said, I'm saving your ass.
21:57And he was trying to get Netanyahu to stop bombing people
22:01in Lebanon.
22:02Yes.
22:02Apparently, according to US news website Axios,
22:05the call descended into abuse.
22:07What the fuck are you doing?
22:08You're fucking crazy.
22:10You'd be in prison if it weren't for me.
22:12Everybody hates you now.
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15And that's Trump looking in a mirror.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:19APPLAUSE
22:21Meanwhile, over at RFK Junior's Health Department,
22:24the US response to the hantavirus crisis
22:27is being handled by Dr Brian Christine.
22:29There he is.
22:30Anyone know what his specialism is?
22:32Raising the undead.
22:34Well, funny you should say that.
22:36He's a penile implant specialist.
22:38LAUGHTER
22:39I thought I recognised him.
22:41I was going to see, can you give me his number?
22:43He hosted a YouTube show called Erection Connections.
22:49LAUGHTER
22:50That's to say we've been extended.
22:54LAUGHTER
22:55APPLAUSE
22:58Having a penile implant specialist leading the hantavirus response
23:02is ridiculous.
23:03A bit like allowing an office interior design firm
23:06to supply PPE during the pandemic.
23:08LAUGHTER
23:10Michael?
23:11LAUGHTER
23:12Any comment on that?
23:15Uh...
23:15I think...
23:16I think that, as one looks back,
23:19the blessed sponge of amnesia wipes the slate of memory clean.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:23Yeah.
23:25I don't think anyone's really forgotten, though, Michael.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:28You're in the House of Lords now,
23:30sitting alongside other luminaries like Baroness Mone.
23:36That's the reaction I was looking for.
23:38No, they're just pronouncing her name.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:43Yes, this is another week in the life of Donald Trump.
23:47Several acts have now dropped out of the White House concert
23:49to celebrate 250 years of US independence.
23:52According to one source,
23:54Milli Vanilli will not be singing.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:56No change there, then.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00As more acts dropped out of the concert,
24:02Donald Trump suggested he might headline the event himself,
24:05saying,
24:06I get much larger audiences than Elvis in his prime.
24:10LAUGHTER
24:10There is one key difference, of course, between them.
24:13In his prime, Elvis did sign up for the US Army.
24:16LAUGHTER
24:18APPLAUSE
24:21Fingers on buzzers, team.
24:23Here's your next news swirl.
24:28Fingers on buzzers, team.
24:30They're going to put a selection of wild animals, birds and other creatures
24:34onto banknotes.
24:35That's exactly right.
24:3618 British animals have been shortlisted to appear on new banknotes.
24:39Mm.
24:40And the public gets to vote.
24:42The public gets to vote.
24:43A variety of animals, such as a dragonfly, a hedgehog,
24:46or even this, a basking shark.
24:50Voting is now open, as you say, until the 3rd of July.
24:53I bet you they give it to Sharky McSharkface.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:57So what didn't make the shortlist?
25:00Beaver.
25:01Fox.
25:02Badger.
25:02It's a badger.
25:03Badger.
25:04Which will be a huge relief for one man.
25:06Winston Churchill helped save our country
25:09and the whole of Europe from fascism.
25:12He deserves better than being replaced by a badger.
25:17This is the shortlist of animals to replace British heroes
25:20on our banknotes.
25:22Many people have been left asking what animals will be on a banknote.
25:26Except for Gen Z, who have been left asking,
25:28what's a banknote?
25:31One suggestion for the £50 note is the puffin.
25:35Although for the city boys, the £50 note is less about puffin,
25:38more about snorting.
25:39You know what I'm talking about?
25:41LAUGHTER
25:41Yes, I do.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:45Time now for the missing words round.
25:47We start with...
25:48Spending too much time what makes you miserable?
25:52Spending too much time in a Boris Johnson government.
25:55LAUGHTER
25:57Spending too much time with your work colleagues makes you miserable.
26:00I can identify with that.
26:02LAUGHTER
26:07According to personnel today, too much time with colleagues lowers performance.
26:12Tell that to the cast of rivals!
26:15LAUGHTER
26:18Next.
26:18Residents of Basingstoke warned what?
26:23That they are residents of Basingstoke.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:27You're next, says Godzilla.
26:30LAUGHTER
26:34Warned of a nasty smell in the Farley Wallop area.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:38And finally, former Tory chief whip sad to announce what?
26:43That he is on Have I Got News For You in a desperate effort to try to make ends meet.
26:49LAUGHTER
26:50But he's actually death of a tarantula.
26:52Oh.
26:53Yes, this is Gavin Williamson's pet tarantula.
26:56In a moving funeral, the body was covered with a pint glass,
26:59slipped onto a bit of card and thrown out of the nearest window.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:05The same thing happened to Liz Trust, didn't it?
27:08LAUGHTER
27:11So, the final scores are...
27:14Ian and Chloe have three, Paul and Michael have five!
27:18Unbelievable.
27:19Congratulations.
27:21APPLAUSE
27:22On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
27:25Ian Hislop and Chloe Petz, Paul Merton and Michael Gove,
27:28and I leave you with news that, in Washington,
27:30there's an awkward moment for Marco Rubio,
27:33as his tie gets caught in a desk drawer.
27:36LAUGHTER
27:39At Buckingham Palace, King Charles can barely hide his excitement
27:42at meeting the President of Nigeria.
27:46LAUGHTER
27:53And in Kensington, there's evidence that Michael Gove
27:56has bought and trained a new pet.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:09APPLAUSE
28:11APPLAUSE
28:15APPLAUSE
28:22The retired TV detective and his real-life younger partner,
28:26an unlikely crime-solving duo,
28:28Death Valley, starring Timothy Spall, is on iPlayer,
28:31where you'll also find a friend's reunion
28:34that turns into a reckoning,
28:35hidden desires and tensions,
28:37two weeks in August.
28:39APPLAUSE
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45APPLAUSE
28:46APPLAUSE
28:47APPLAUSE
28:47APPLAUSE
28:48APPLAUSE
28:48APPLAUSE
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