- 14 hours ago
Category
đŸ˜¹
FunTranscript
00:07Good evening, everybody, wherever you are.
00:09My name's Kevin Turvey, but you can call me Kevin Turvey.
00:14All right, settle down, settle down.
00:16I thought we'd start off with a little joke, right?
00:18Because this week I've been investigating death.
00:22Death.
00:24The grim rapist.
00:27What is he?
00:29Where is he?
00:31Why is he?
00:32You could even say, is he?
00:35You could say, anything?
00:38Look, a lot of people say anything.
00:41I mean, look, the other day, right, I went round to see Theresa Kelly.
00:44She's like this girl that I know.
00:46Well, not like her.
00:47I mean, she is her, you know.
00:49I just hope she is.
00:51I don't know.
00:51I'm a bit of a trouble if you're looking at her.
00:54So I decided to go and see her on the bus, right?
00:55Decided not to go in a car, like, because then I'd have to get loads of money together
00:59and book up a lot of lessons and bike.
01:01It's just too much trouble.
01:02So I went straight down to the bus stop, right?
01:05And started to wait.
01:06And just as I almost finished waiting, right, this bus started to come up the hill.
01:12I thought, great, I hope that this is a 64, like.
01:15I really hope it's a 64.
01:17And sure enough, it was.
01:18I thought, great.
01:19Well, it's bound to be a 64, really.
01:21Because only the 64's come up that way.
01:24But I stuck my hand out to stop it.
01:26And it went straight past.
01:28Straight past.
01:30I thought, well, I can't just say what I thought, you know.
01:33Because there's this rule at the BBC that says that you can't actually talk properly, you know.
01:38You have to pretend to talk the way that people who invented TV 50 years ago used to talk.
01:43Like, when they were at dinner parties pretending not to swear.
01:45It's a very good rule.
01:46I don't quite know why they have it.
01:48I think it's probably to save money or something like that.
01:51Anyway, it's a very good rule.
01:52But it wasn't too bad, you see, when the bus went past.
01:54And I thought this word.
01:55Because another bus started coming up the hill.
01:57Another 64, right?
01:58Not the same one, you know.
01:59Because they'd have gone away.
02:01It wasn't the same one, right?
02:03He turned left down Laksman Crescent.
02:05He told all his passengers, everybody, get off now.
02:07Get off the bus very fast.
02:08And then he whizzed round the block, right?
02:10With an empty bus.
02:10Then it could have been the same one.
02:12But, like, they don't do that, do they?
02:14What's the deal?
02:14I don't know, just anyway.
02:16I don't think.
02:18So, anyway, I got on this bus and I went upstairs.
02:19Because I wanted to look out the window, you know.
02:21And they've got loads of windows up there.
02:23So it's a good place.
02:24So I sat up there, sitting there for about, I don't know, five minutes, I suppose.
02:27Looking at things, trees, houses.
02:30And the bus conductor came up.
02:31I said, 12, please.
02:33And he says, what have you got against the Irish?
02:35I said, I ain't got nothing against the Irish.
02:37And he says, oh, ha, ha, very funny.
02:38Look at him sitting there covered in sick.
02:40And everybody started laughing at me.
02:42And I wasn't covered in sick at all.
02:43It's a new anorak.
02:45I don't know what they were laughing at.
02:48I think they were probably laughing at what they thought I might have looked like if I was covered in
02:51sick.
02:52But, anyway, I just ignored it for the rest of the journey.
02:56But, anyway, all that about the bus isn't important, right.
02:59I got round to Teresa's house.
03:02I decided not to knock on the door, you know, because they've got this bell right.
03:06I thought I'd use this.
03:07Got my finger out and pressed the bell.
03:09And almost immediately, there was a pause of about a minute, minute, ten seconds.
03:14And Mrs. Kelly came to the door.
03:16I opened it up.
03:16She says, all right, Kevin.
03:17I says, all right.
03:18Because I was, you know.
03:23She says, all right.
03:24I says, is Teresa in?
03:25And she says, aha, well, that's where you're in for a bit of trouble, isn't it, Kevin?
03:28Because she's out walking the dog.
03:31And I know that their dog died in 1977.
03:34I know that.
03:35Because he's buried under my onions.
03:37Not like the onions in my kitchen, right.
03:39The ones I grow in my garden.
03:41Well, I don't grow them, you know.
03:42They grow themselves.
03:44God cries them.
03:47That's a different question, isn't it?
03:48So how could she possibly have been walking the dog?
03:51Unless it's our puppies.
03:52And I put it, I would have noticed that the onions have been disturbed.
03:56So basically, what I'm trying to say is, that if you go around to a girl's house, right,
04:00and she's not in, then don't count on her being in love with you.
04:03All right.
04:05Until next week, I'm Chair Britton.
04:07Don't forget, if there's anything you want investigating, Kevin's here.
04:23Good evening, everybody.
04:25Kevin Turvey here.
04:26Kevin Turvey, the man who rarely investigates everything properly.
04:29Not like Keith Marshall.
04:31But anyway, Keith Marshall, if I don't investigate things properly,
04:33then how come I'm on the BBC and you're not?
04:36Think about that sometimes.
04:37And it wasn't me that nicked your bike anyway.
04:39Just a bloke asked me to move it, that's all.
04:41So I moved it round the corner.
04:42I didn't nick it.
04:44Anyway, good evening, everybody else.
04:47Before we start, I thought I'd better apologise for my sore throat.
04:50And yesterday, I was investigating how many times you have to shout
04:54tumble dryer in the high street before somebody comes up and offers you a cigarette.
04:58It took ages and ages.
05:01In the end, I lost count anyway.
05:03Anyway, this week, I decided I'd investigate tarmac.
05:07You know, like, why it's black and things like that.
05:11So I got up, like, really early on the first day of my investigation and thought I'd have
05:15a really good breakfast.
05:17You know, cereal.
05:19So I went into the kitchen, right, got out the cornflakes, put it on the table,
05:23went over to the fridge, like, because that's where I keep my milk.
05:27You know.
05:28So I opened up the door, and guess what?
05:31There was no milk.
05:33I thought, that's all right.
05:35I'll go to Tesco's and get you some milk, right, because they've got loads down there, you know.
05:39No, they haven't been there.
05:40I've seen it.
05:42Racks and racks of it.
05:44Anyway, I went down there.
05:46Went in, like, through the door, you know, because, like, they've got two doors there.
05:51There's one that says, in, and there's one that says, out.
05:55And I went in the one that says, in.
05:58Went in there, and that's when this really strange thing happened.
06:01Because I saw this woman in there.
06:04I thought, well, it's not hard in Tesco, is it?
06:07But this one was.
06:09I thought, crikey, that's Noel Gordon.
06:14I thought, it can't be Noel Gordon, not in Tesco's, right?
06:17So I crept up behind her, and tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned round.
06:22Do you know what?
06:23I was right.
06:24It wasn't.
06:28So I got the milk, like, you know, took it home, and poured it on me cornflakes, like,
06:33well, not all of it.
06:35Just a bit, like, you know.
06:37Put the top back on, and put it back in the fridge, like, on its own.
06:41Well, not absolutely on its own.
06:43There's a bit of cheese in there, I think.
06:45Some ice, you know.
06:46But that's not important, anyway.
06:49Sat down to start me cornflakes, and I didn't know whether I wanted to listen to the radio or not.
06:54So I put on radio one, you know.
06:57And I started eating me cornflakes, and I just had a few cornflakes, about 15 or 16 cornflakes.
07:04I wasn't counting, you know.
07:06Well, you don't, do you?
07:08Well, I don't, anyway, I'd be stupid if I'd be, you know.
07:10Well, I just had a few cornflakes, and there was this knock at the door.
07:13I thought, ah, that's someone at the door, right?
07:15So I went round the table, and down to the end of the hall, where I keep my front door.
07:23And you know them little holes, like, that you can look through, and see everybody all
07:28big outside, you know.
07:30Well, I haven't got one of them.
07:33So I opened the door, like, and it was the postman, with a telegram.
07:37He says, Kevin Turbey, I've got a telegram for you.
07:40I said, oh, great.
07:41He says, I hope all your families died in a really painful car accident.
07:45I said, why, what have I ever done to you?
07:46And he smashed me in the face.
07:48So I got up, like, really quickly, grabbed the telegram, and slammed the door on.
07:51Opened it up, knocked the door, like, you know, the telegram.
07:54Stupid if I opened up the door again.
07:56And I read it, and it said, Kevin Turbey, do not investigate tarmac.
08:02Investigate work.
08:03Love the BBC.
08:04So that was a lucky break, wasn't it?
08:06Could have spent the whole week investigating the wrong thing.
08:10Until next week, I'm Chair Britton.
08:12Don't forget, if there's anything you want investigating, Kevin's here.
08:24Do you know what happened to me today?
08:26I was standing outside Tesco's, right, like, looking after a dog for a mate,
08:30you know, just minding me own business,
08:31and this bloke came up and tried to put ten pence in the top of me head.
08:35I said, what do you think you're doing?
08:36He says, you're not blind.
08:37He says, people like you make me sick.
08:39And he walked off over the car park.
08:41And I watched him all the time, and he wasn't sick.
08:43He was a liar.
08:47Anyway, this week I've been investigating the media.
08:50It hasn't been much of an investigation.
08:52And it took me about four hours to look it up in the dictionary, that's all.
08:56Because it's quite near the back, you know, it's quite a long book.
08:59And all it means is, like, television and newspapers, that's all.
09:03So I didn't have anything to do for the rest of the week.
09:05Like, I just didn't do anything.
09:08Well, I did a few things, like, you know, walking about and going to into shops and out of shops
09:15again.
09:16Basically, I didn't do anything.
09:18Then on Thursday, this really strange thing happened.
09:22Stranger than truth.
09:24Except that it was true.
09:27Strange.
09:27Anyway, I was watching Top of the Pops, right?
09:29Because I always like to catch Top of the Pops.
09:31Because, like, they have these charts of which pop groups have made the most money each week, you know, which
09:35is quite important for young people to know.
09:38And I was watching it.
09:39There was this tap on the window.
09:40And I looked round.
09:41And it was the postman.
09:43I thought, that's weird.
09:46Not because it was, like, late, you know, at half past seven, but because we live on the third floor.
09:53I thought, oh, well.
09:53He probably just wants to watch Top of the Pops or something, so I leave him alone, you know.
09:57Carried on watching Staking Stephen, who's very good.
10:01And the little tap came again.
10:02So I looked round.
10:03I thought, it's no good.
10:04I'll have to find out what this is.
10:05So I walked over.
10:06I said, I'm just going to open the window, you know, and he sort of shook his head a bit.
10:09And I opened it up, and he'd gone.
10:12And I looked down, and he's in the greenhouse, doing a sort of wriggly dance on the floor.
10:17I thought, I'm going to have to find out about this.
10:19So I went outside, right?
10:20I didn't bother to put on my raincoat, because, like, well, I wasn't really thinking about it.
10:24Anyway, it wasn't raining.
10:27That's not really important at all.
10:29Anyway, I went down.
10:31I said, what's going on, Mr. Postman?
10:33And, like, he handed me this little note.
10:35So I took it, and I read it, and it said,
10:37Dear Kevin Turvey, before you finish reading this note,
10:40you'll receive a severe blow on the back of your head with a hammer.
10:43Love the postman.
10:44P.S.
10:45Do you...
10:46Ooh, and I thought, ah, what's that?
10:47And it's whack on the back of my head.
10:49Whap, like that.
10:50And I thought, I'd better hold on, otherwise I'm going to lose my eyeballs.
10:52It came again like this.
10:53I didn't say anything about a third blow, did it?
10:55Whoa, another one came.
10:56Whoa!
10:56What's going on here?
10:57I thought, I'd better get down to the hospital.
10:59So I started to crawl up, you know.
11:00I wouldn't call it an ambulance, like, because it's only a short crawl.
11:04Crawled down the road, crawled around the corner,
11:06crawled up the flyover and down the other side, like, really fast,
11:09going away.
11:10Crawled up the steps to the hospital.
11:11Very nice in the hospital, like.
11:12The bloke opened the door, and I crawled in.
11:15I said, sorry about your floor, mate.
11:16And I crawled over to, like, the desk, which is what they call the little hole
11:20that the nurse sticks her head through.
11:22She says, are you national health or private?
11:24I says, national health, please.
11:26She says, right, over there.
11:28So I went out into the car park where she was pointing, like.
11:30There's loads of other people sitting out there, right?
11:33And some of them were, like, lying there.
11:35Some of them were sort of hanging, you know.
11:38It wasn't very nice.
11:39Anyway, I started to wait there.
11:40And then just at the end of the wait,
11:42this doctor came over with a hypodermic syringe-like, a needle, you know.
11:46And he says, Kevin Turvey.
11:48I said, yeah.
11:48He says, drop your trousers.
11:51So I dropped your trousers.
11:52He says, drop your pants.
11:53So I dropped your pants.
11:55I don't know why he didn't tell me to drop them both at the same time.
11:58It's saved a lot of time, really.
11:59But I suspect he didn't know that I was wearing any pants, you see.
12:03Strange people, doctors, anyway.
12:05So he says, I'm going to give you an injection.
12:07And he was right.
12:07It went whack in the back of my head.
12:09Oh, what's this?
12:10And that's just when all these huge, great 30-foot slugs started appearing.
12:14They're coming towards me and saying, Kevin Turvey, give us your legs.
12:16We haven't got any, you bastard.
12:20So it turned out to be quite a rough week, really.
12:23Anyway, that's the last time I watched Top of the Pops with the curtains open.
12:27Till next week, viewers.
12:29Kevin's here.
12:37Good evening.
12:38Where's the cameras?
12:40Well, you might have told me you'd change the whole studio around.
12:43You know, I'm in a hurry.
12:44Getting the same to you with bogies wrapped round it.
12:47Listen, good evening.
12:48My name's Kevin Turvey, and I'm an investigative reporter and all that.
12:51But this week I've been investigating advice, right?
12:53Which is like another word for help.
12:56Well, it's not really.
12:57Not if you're drowning, anyway.
12:58I mean, you don't swim.
12:59They're going, advice, advice.
13:01I mean, they just say, swim, you bloody.
13:02And then you drown, don't you?
13:03So it's no good.
13:04Well, unless you want to drown, anyway.
13:05But that's not important.
13:06The thing is, I haven't got time for my report, right?
13:08Because I just met this bloke outside in the bushes, right?
13:11I was just doing some investigating into leaves, you know, how come they grow on trees and what
13:14they taste like when you smoke them and things like that.
13:17Anyway, and he says, psst, are you Richard Baker?
13:20I says, no, I'm Kevin Turvey.
13:22Which is like, true, you know.
13:23And he says, listen, can you give this?
13:25And he gave me this, right?
13:27He gave me this clock.
13:28He says, can you give this to Ian Trithowen?
13:30Yeah, Ian Trithowen, who's like the leader of the BBC.
13:33And he says, because he's got to have it any minute now.
13:35I don't know why.
13:36I think it's the play school clock or something like that.
13:38I said, can't you give it to him?
13:39He says, no, I can't.
13:40I've got a headache, you see.
13:41So I said, well, look, I've got to do a report in a minute.
13:43He said, it's more important than that.
13:45Give it to him now.
13:45You've got two and a half minutes.
13:46And now I've only got a minute.
13:48So listen, I'll tell you a story, right?
13:50Once upon a time, there's this fish, right?
13:53Who lives in the bushes by the BBC.
13:56And he meets this prince who's called Kevin.
14:02I've just been handed this note.
14:05Right, and he meets the prince.
14:07And they have lots of babies.
14:10And things packed in now.
14:12Work, work, you bogey-gobbler.
14:14Come on.
14:15It's not going to have to go to watchmenders.
14:17So I'll leave you with this little joke, right?
14:20What do you say to a man who's got no arms and no legs
14:22if your watch is broken?
14:25Have you got the time on your cock?
14:40Do you know how much it costs to go to America?
14:4296 quid, that's how much.
14:44How am I going to get that kind of money?
14:45I'm not, that's where.
14:47So I'm never, ever going to America.
14:49Ever.
14:52Anyway.
14:53Good evening, my name's Kevin Turvey.
14:55And here's a good one.
14:57Why does Mrs Thatcher always wear barbed wire underwear?
15:00Where she doesn't.
15:02It's a joke.
15:05Right, right, right.
15:07I thought, you see, this week's subject is sex, which is slightly embarrassing.
15:11So that's why I thought I'd start with a bit of a joke.
15:14Right.
15:14Well, not a bit of a joke, like a whole of a joke, a bit of a joke would be
15:18no good.
15:21Not unless it was the funny bit.
15:23Anyway.
15:24So this week I thought, how am I going to find out all about sex?
15:28And I thought, I know, I'll become a prostitute.
15:32So that's what I did.
15:34Right.
15:34I went out and bought myself a handbag.
15:37Well, it wasn't a real handbag, it was like a plastic bag.
15:41But I stretched out the handle, since it looked like a handbag, put it on my shoulder, and
15:45hung around outside Tesco's, right, for about a day.
15:51And then my first client came along.
15:53He was disguised as a policeman.
15:57I sidled up next to me, right, and he says, excuse me, have you got the time?
16:03Which is like prostitute's code.
16:07And I said, about 16 quid.
16:11And he said, you're trying to be funny.
16:15And I said, all right then, 10 quid.
16:18And that's when he started punching me, right.
16:21It was about the seventh or the eighth punch, I think.
16:25Might have been the ninth, anyway.
16:26It was about then I thought, he doesn't realise I'm a prostitute.
16:29So I started to run, right, and I ran straight into Tesco's and tripped over this big basket
16:34they've got in there.
16:35And I thought, brilliant, of course, a basket.
16:38That's what I should do.
16:39I'll invite Theresa Kelly over to supper and have sex with her afterwards.
16:44Really, because I've got all the things at home.
16:45I've got sausages and potatoes, gravy, furniture.
16:54Loads, I've got loads of things at home.
16:55I mean, windows and all sorts of things.
16:57But it was just the food that I was thinking about at the time, right.
17:00And also, this friend of mine, right, Keith Marshall, well, he would be my friend, like,
17:05if I liked him, you know.
17:08He said that if you want to have sex with somebody, the thing to do, right, is to get some
17:12aphrodisiac,
17:14which is like this food that you eat that turns you into a sex maniac.
17:18And apparently, the best kind you can get is powdered rhino's horn, right.
17:22Well, they don't sell it in Tesco's.
17:26I don't think there's much call for it in Reddy, too, though.
17:29So I thought, well, I know what I'll do.
17:31I'll get a file and I'll go up to the zoo and get some for myself.
17:36Well, that's no good.
17:37I'll be there all afternoon.
17:39Never mind.
17:40It might be quite dangerous, anyway.
17:41What if the rhino didn't realise I was just powdering his nose for an aphrodisiac, you know,
17:46after I was insulting him or something?
17:48I thought, no, no, I'll use soap powder.
17:50It's much the same.
17:51It comes from the same animal, doesn't it?
17:53So that's what I did.
17:54I went home and, like, prepared everything, put it on the plates, cooked it, put it on the
17:58plates and laid out the table, put a candle in the middle of the table.
18:02Well, didn't really need to light it, because, like, we've got this strip lighting, anyway,
18:05in the kitchen.
18:06It's nice and bright in there, anyway.
18:09And I thought, right, everything's ready.
18:11I'd better invite Teresa Kelly before the food goes cold.
18:14So I went home to the phone and picked it up, right, dialed the number.
18:17I won't actually, like, tell you what the number was, because it's not important.
18:20It'll just waste time if we start talking about telephone.
18:25And she answered.
18:26I got the number right.
18:26And she said, hello?
18:27I said, Teresa Kelly, this is Kevin Turvey.
18:31Would you like to come over and have supper with me?
18:33What we're having is potatoes and gravy and sausages with nothing on it at all.
18:39And then have sex with me afterwards.
18:42And she said, well, I'd like to, Kevin, but I've just been hit by a bus and I'll be in
18:46a coma until Wednesday.
18:49It's always happening to her, that.
18:52So, anyway, I didn't find out anything about sex, I'm afraid.
18:54I can't really tell you.
18:55But I did find out that eating aphrodisiacs makes you violently sick.
19:03So, anyway, until next week, viewers, don't forget, if there's anything you want investigating,
19:08Kevin's here.
19:18I'll turn around when I'm ready, bogey face.
19:23Good evening, I suppose.
19:24I thought I was supposed to have this work off.
19:27They said to me at the beginning of the week, this week, Kevin, it's relaxation and taking
19:31it easy.
19:32You know, general leisure.
19:33I thought, great, I spent the week in bed.
19:35Well, not the whole week, you know, I got up to go to the lavatory.
19:39I like to eat, you know.
19:42Well, you've got to eat, you know, otherwise you can't go to the lavatory.
19:46So, I had a great week, you know.
19:48And I woke up this morning, about 11 o'clock, you know, because I've got this alarm clock,
19:51right.
19:52It's great, alarm clock.
19:53It's great.
19:54Because if you set it right, the little buzzer goes off, right, and then you stretch your
19:58arm up to turn it off and it pours boiling water all over your arm.
20:02It's very refreshing.
20:03It's great.
20:03It works every time.
20:04So, I was sitting up in bed, like, changing the bandages on my arm this morning, and there
20:09was this hammering at the door.
20:11Like, I thought, hello, someone's in a hurry.
20:13So, I got out of bed, went to the lavatory, cleaned my teeth and combed my hair, went and
20:17answered the door.
20:18And it was the bloke that runs this programme.
20:20He says, oh, there you are, Kevin.
20:22I says, where do you expect me to be?
20:23I live here.
20:25He says, where have you been all week?
20:27I said, I've been taking it easy in bed, like you said.
20:30He said, you're not supposed to take it easy.
20:32You're supposed to investigate taking it easy.
20:34I said, well, thanks very much for telling me.
20:37He said, listen, Turvey.
20:38I said, what do you think I'm doing, riding a bicycle?
20:40Which is quite clever, because, like, I wasn't doing it, you know.
20:43He says, listen, Turvey.
20:44You go outside and investigate leisure, right now.
20:47I said, what, in me pyjamas?
20:49And he'd already gone down the road, so I ran outside and said, what, in me pyjamas?
20:52And one of my neighbours said, I don't know, what's in your pyjamas?
20:55I said, shut up.
20:57That's all I've worked up, you know.
20:59So I went inside, and I thought, this is just impossible.
21:02I can't work and take leisure at the same time.
21:05I can't investigate taking it easy, not unless I'm really relaxed when I'm investigating.
21:11So I thought, well, maybe that's a good idea.
21:13So I thought, I'll go out and get drunk.
21:15That's what I do.
21:16So I went down to the pub, like, and got thrown out straight away.
21:19Apparently, they don't serve people in pyjamas.
21:23So I went round, like, to this other pub, which was more liberal, right.
21:27I sat there for about an hour, two hours, you know, sitting down, taking it easy, waiting to get served.
21:35Eventually, I thought, this is no good.
21:36I'll have to just ask for a drink or something, you know.
21:38I was getting worked up again.
21:39So I went, like, over to the bar.
21:41I didn't have time to hang about.
21:42I said, give us a pint of Perno now.
21:46He gave me.
21:47I drunk it straight down.
21:48Got up off the floor and went outside.
21:52Getting a bit wooty.
21:53I thought, I better start investigating pretty quick.
21:55What shall I investigate first?
21:57I don't.
21:57I'll investigate going to sleep in the park.
22:00I went down there, kind of ziggy-zaggy, went down there.
22:03Went and lay down in the long grass, you know.
22:05Like, not by the swings, because that was making me a bit dizzy when I looked at it.
22:09I lay down, put a newspaper over my face and lay down and went to sleep in the long grass.
22:14And that's when I had this really terrible dream.
22:17I dreamt that I was flying upside down over Turkey, drinking Perno.
22:21And all the people were pointing at me and saying, give us a banana, you bastard!
22:27And I woke up with this stabbing pain in the front of my head.
22:30And I thought, I'm only drinking Perno in halves from now on.
22:34And then the pain started moving around in my head.
22:37And I opened my eyes and pulled the newspaper back and there was this spike sticking out of my head.
22:42With this park keeper on the end of it.
22:44And he says, what are you doing going to sleep underneath the litter, you vagrant?
22:49I said, I'm not a vagrant, I'm an investigative reporter.
22:52He says, if you're an investigative reporter, how come you're covered in sick?
22:55And that was someone who'd come up and been sick all over me while I was asleep.
23:00So this is what I learnt about leisure, Mr. Producer.
23:13Good evening, Britton.
23:14Tonight, I'd like to talk about shark fishing.
23:17But I don't know the first thing about it.
23:20So I'm going to have to talk about something else, I think.
23:22But anyway, the BBC have asked me to talk about sex again.
23:27So, sex, that's my topic for this week.
23:28And as you can see, Kevin Turvey.
23:33Apart from that, what you can see as well, is that I've been doing a lot of research into this
23:37problem.
23:38I've been to the swimming pool.
23:41I've been to the dirty bookshop.
23:44I've been to the undertakers.
23:46That was a bit of a miscalculation, really.
23:49Well, the undertakers is like next door to the dirty bookshop, you know.
23:53And I wasn't concentrating very hard at the time.
23:56But they were very helpful in there.
23:58You know, I went in, I said,
23:59Good afternoon, my name's Kevin Turvey, and I'm mainly interested in sex.
24:03And they gave me a few hints, like, you know.
24:05There weren't hints about sex, really.
24:07So much as hints about banging your head on a coffin and getting thrown through a window by undertakers.
24:12Which is okay, you know.
24:14But it wasn't really what I was investigating this week, you know.
24:18I had to waste quite a lot of time looking for a chemist to buy some bandages, you know.
24:22Do you know how much bandages cost?
24:25No, nor do I.
24:27Well, look, it's for clothes.
24:29It took me three hours to find that out.
24:32What a waste of time.
24:34You know me.
24:35Well, you don't.
24:37Well, I know me, anyway.
24:38If you're someone like me, right, then time is money, as they say.
24:43Well, I don't quite know who they are, they'd say.
24:46Probably clockmakers, I suppose, and bank managers.
24:50Certainly ain't bank robbers.
24:51You don't get a bank robber going into the bank and saying,
24:53All right, mate, give us the time.
24:56Mate?
24:57Come on, give us the time and no funny business.
25:00Are you kicking the bees at me?
25:02Look, these ain't the bees, this is a gun, all right?
25:05Well, they look like the bees to me, mate.
25:07Look, just hand over the money, all right?
25:10Stick it all in this bag, all right?
25:12And no monkey business.
25:13What do you mean, like going,
25:15Eh, eh, I'm a monkey.
25:17Yeah, that's the kind of thing.
25:19Now, are you going to cooperate,
25:20or do I have to start getting strange?
25:24No, I ain't going to cooperate.
25:26Not until you prove that that's a gun.
25:27Go on, fire a bullet with your bees, mate.
25:31Listen, mate, I'm a dangerous criminal,
25:33and I ain't got much time.
25:35All right, then, so fire a bullet, scarf, mate.
25:38This isn't a scarf, it's a beard.
25:40All right.
25:43Look, just stop wasting time, mate.
25:45All right, and fire a bullet with your bees,
25:47or get out of it.
25:47All right.
25:48Right, I will.
25:49Bang!
25:50What do you think about that, mate?
25:52What do I think about what?
25:54What do I think about you going bang
25:55while your fingers is waggling?
25:57I think it's pathetic,
25:58that's what I think about it, basically.
26:00Get yourself a real gun.
26:01All right, then, I will.
26:04Martin, give us a gun, will you?
26:07Right, mate, what do you think about that?
26:09Stick them up.
26:11All of them.
26:13Blimey, okay, mate.
26:14That's what I mean.
26:15No, you stick them up.
26:18No, I said it first.
26:19You stick them up, you're trash.
26:20No, you stick them up.
26:21I've got a gun, mate.
26:22Listen, I...
26:25Well, I think you get the basic points, anyway.
26:27Thank you, Martin.
26:31Oh, dear.
26:39Sorry, mate.
26:42Sorry, like.
26:43Was you talking to him?
26:46Oh, you wasn't.
26:47Oh, that's all right.
26:49Well, I think that's about all the time we've got for you this week.
26:52Golly, is that the time?
26:54So, er, I'm afraid I'm going to have to leave you there, you know.
26:56I mean, all great things have to come to an end, don't they?
26:59I mean, look at the M6, you know.
27:02Well, I mean, don't look at it now, you know.
27:03But when you're up there, have a look at it,
27:05because it's a great road.
27:09And, er, you know, it's at times like this,
27:10I'll always remember what Teresa Kelly once said to me.
27:14She said,
27:15Why don't you sod off, Kevin Turvey?
27:17And, you know, I think I know what she meant.
27:20So, until next week, this is Kevin Turvey saying,
27:22do up your trousers, keep your shoes clean,
27:24and don't tell anyone you saw this programme, all right?
27:43I don't want to talk about it, actually,
27:44but I'm actually very depressed.
27:46Don't ask me why,
27:47I'm just a strange and interesting person, I suppose.
27:50Bit like Anita Harris.
27:52Only without the bullet hole, you know.
27:56So, if you don't mind,
27:57I'd just like to sit here, you know,
27:58and not say anything
28:00at all.
28:03Except that, no, I'm not going to say it now.
28:06I'll just say that one thing.
28:07I'm more depressed now than I ever have been
28:09in all my life, ever.
28:13Except for the day that my mate Dave got killed.
28:18Dave the tortoise.
28:20Well, you can laugh, he was like a pet to me.
28:23Well, he was a rat, really.
28:25But I sellotaped a plate to his back,
28:27because the council say that you can't keep
28:28vermin round our flats.
28:30I say, well, what are you doing giving a flat
28:31to Keith Marshall, then?
28:33Ha-ha!
28:33Yeah, well, they couldn't say anything to that,
28:35you know,
28:36cos, like, I was alone in the bathroom
28:37when I said it.
28:39No, but I adopted Dave, you know,
28:41cos he was all alone in the world.
28:42He had no friends,
28:44no relatives,
28:45no family.
28:47Basically, cos, like,
28:47he'd eaten them all.
28:49But we lived together for three years.
28:51Yeah, I mean,
28:52separate bedrooms and everything,
28:53you know,
28:54until
28:55one day there was a
28:56knock at the door,
28:57and
28:58so I answered it like,
29:00and, er,
29:00it was the milkman,
29:01and
29:02I paid him,
29:03and, er,
29:04he went away,
29:05and
29:05I closed the door again,
29:07and
29:07came back inside,
29:08and
29:09I mean, that's got nothing to do with the story.
29:11I, well,
29:12so I just wanted to make it clear
29:13that I'm the kind of person
29:14who pays his debts.
29:16So if you see that vulture from the corner shop,
29:18tell him that it's all right,
29:20I'm going to pay up,
29:20it's all right.
29:22Well, he's not really a vulture,
29:24you know,
29:24he's,
29:25well, he comes from Leeds.
29:27We just call him a vulture.
29:29Well, he's got a beak and two wings,
29:31and he hangs around on buffaloes,
29:32you know.
29:34Anyway,
29:35as luck would have it,
29:37bad luck mainly,
29:38one day Dave got killed
29:41by a laundrette.
29:44There's my laundrette.
29:46Well, you see,
29:47I used to keep him in the drawer
29:48in the kitchen,
29:49where I keep all my dirty socks,
29:50right?
29:51Well, he liked the atmosphere in there,
29:52you know.
29:54Well, he was in there one day,
29:55having a bit of a sniff,
29:57you know,
29:58when it happened.
30:00Well, about 20 minutes before it happened,
30:02actually,
30:02because,
30:02well, it takes me 20 minutes
30:03to walk down the laundrette
30:04with a bag of washing,
30:05you know.
30:06And anyway,
30:07to cut a long story short,
30:09the end.
30:15No, that's cutting it
30:16a bit too short,
30:17I think.
30:18To cut a very short story,
30:19a little bit longer,
30:21you know how when you're an animal,
30:22and you accidentally get put
30:23in a washing machine
30:24with a load of dirty washing,
30:26and the washing machine
30:27fills up with water,
30:28so you can't breathe,
30:29and you want to breathe,
30:31then you drown?
30:32Any chemist will tell you,
30:34you know.
30:35Well, that's what happened to Dave.
30:38Because, like,
30:38the cycle lasted half an hour,
30:40and apparently,
30:41he couldn't hold his breath that long.
30:45Or if he could,
30:46well, he just forgot how to,
30:47you know.
30:48Anyway,
30:49you've got to be philosophical
30:50about these things,
30:51haven't you?
30:52That's why I've decided
30:53to kill myself.
30:55But this is it.
30:58Goodbye, Breton.
31:05Everything's gone dark.
31:07I'm dying.
31:12I'm still dying.
31:18I'm still alive.
31:23Well, no,
31:24when I'm still alive,
31:25how am I supposed to suffocate
31:25with this?
31:27Who's in charge of the bags,
31:28round here?
31:30Yes, well,
31:30it's very embarrassing.
31:31I'm trying to kill myself.
31:34I don't care if there's
31:35nobody watching.
31:35It's still embarrassing for me.
31:38Yes,
31:38it would make a difference
31:39if I was dead.
31:40I'd be hanging around
31:41on clouds.
31:41Oh, forget it.
31:42Forget it.
31:43It's a waste of time.
31:44Forget it.
31:44It's cancelled.
31:48I'm sorry,
31:49ladies and gentlemen,
31:49but apparently,
31:50I'm not going to be able
31:51to kill myself this evening.
31:53And I hope that hasn't
31:54impaired your enjoyment
31:54of the programme.
31:56So, until next week,
31:57this is Kevin Turvey
31:58saying,
31:58goodbye.
32:01Well, except,
32:04I just want to say,
32:05don't bother trying to go
32:06and see me in Superman 3.
32:08Because I'm not in it.
32:22Guess what happened
32:23to me today?
32:24You never will.
32:25Not in a million years.
32:28So, I suppose I'll have to
32:29talk about something else.
32:31No, I'll tell you anyway.
32:33I had the wrong newspaper
32:35delivered.
32:36Because this morning,
32:37see, normally,
32:38I get smash hits,
32:39right?
32:39But today,
32:41I do, I've been there.
32:43Today,
32:44they sent me
32:45the record mirror.
32:46It's amazing
32:47the things that happen,
32:48isn't it?
32:49I expect the next thing to happen
32:50to be something like,
32:52they'll give me a bottle of Vimto
32:53instead of a bottle of milk
32:54or something like that.
32:56Really,
32:56crackers like that.
32:57Tell you what,
32:57that'd make your
32:58cornflakes taste a bit
33:01Vimto-y,
33:01wouldn't it?
33:03Well,
33:04unless you was having
33:05Coco Pops
33:05or something like that.
33:07Boiled eggs.
33:09Well,
33:10your boiled eggs
33:10aren't much like Coco Pops,
33:11aren't they?
33:12Well,
33:13they're rounder,
33:13really,
33:14and more eggy-like,
33:16you know.
33:17And you don't get chickens
33:18out of Coco Pops.
33:20Well,
33:20not unless you're
33:21hallucinating
33:21or something like that.
33:23Anyway,
33:24it's never happened to me.
33:26About the nearest thing
33:27to it that has happened,
33:28right,
33:28is that I once met
33:30a bloke who claimed
33:30to be a milkman.
33:32But that's not much
33:33like it at all,
33:34really.
33:36He could have been
33:37lying anyway.
33:38But people do.
33:40I mean,
33:40like,
33:40I had my legs
33:41amputated yesterday.
33:42And that's a lie.
33:45It's quite a good lie,
33:46actually.
33:47Probably made quite a lot
33:48of money with that lie.
33:50I could do with
33:51quite a lot of money.
33:52But I spent all mine
33:53on an ice cream,
33:54you see.
33:55See,
33:55because, like,
33:56about half an hour ago
33:57before this,
33:58I was hanging around
33:59because I had about
33:59half an hour to kill,
34:00right?
34:01And I thought,
34:02I can either go up
34:03to the bar
34:03and get a few drinks
34:04down me,
34:05you know.
34:06But I thought,
34:06no,
34:06I'm always doing that,
34:07you know.
34:08And it takes ages
34:08to get my anorak dry again.
34:10It's just a waste of time,
34:11really.
34:13Besides which,
34:13I'm trying to avoid
34:14the red-ish sunrises,
34:16you know.
34:17That's this drink
34:17I've invented.
34:18It's a cocktail,
34:19actually.
34:19It's very sophisticated
34:20and very easy to make.
34:22It's, um,
34:23a bottle of Tia Maria
34:24which you pour
34:25into a pint glass,
34:26right?
34:27And mix in an ice cube
34:28to taste.
34:30Well,
34:31to taste Tia Maria,
34:31basically.
34:33You've got to watch it.
34:34I had three of them
34:35last Wednesday.
34:36I ended up
34:37having eaten
34:37an entire tablecloth.
34:40I woke up in the morning
34:41inside the fridge.
34:42I'd written a complete novel
34:43on the inside of the icebox.
34:46It's a very good novel,
34:46actually,
34:47but I had to defrost the fridge
34:49to get my finger back,
34:50you know,
34:51and bang went the novel.
34:53Well,
34:53drip, drip went the novel,
34:54actually,
34:54you know.
34:56So I thought,
34:56no,
34:56I'll stay clear of it.
34:57I'll have an ice cream instead.
34:58That'll kill half an hour.
34:59So I went up to the woman,
35:00right?
35:00I said,
35:01I'll have an ice cream,
35:02please.
35:02And she said,
35:03oh, yeah.
35:05I said,
35:05yeah,
35:05I'll have an ice cream,
35:06please.
35:07She said,
35:07well,
35:07you'd probably better
35:07go up the canteen then.
35:09I said,
35:09what do you mean?
35:10She said,
35:10this is the lady's lavatory.
35:12So I said,
35:13oh, right,
35:13okay,
35:13then,
35:14right.
35:14And I went up
35:14to the canteen,
35:15I went up to the woman there.
35:16It was a different woman,
35:17you know.
35:19Well,
35:19it could have been
35:19the same woman.
35:21She would have had to run
35:22very fast up the corridor
35:24and do some pretty
35:25snappy plastic surgery,
35:26you know.
35:27I don't think
35:28she can have done that,
35:28you know.
35:29Well,
35:30I wouldn't have noticed
35:30the surgeons coming out,
35:31you know.
35:34I know,
35:34I think it was
35:35a completely new woman.
35:37Well,
35:37she was about 45,
35:39but you know what I mean,
35:40anyway.
35:41Get them rhinos,
35:42out of the bag.
35:43Pesky things.
35:48I can't remember
35:49what I was saying now.
35:50Uh,
35:52I'm losing the atmosphere.
35:53Um,
35:55uh,
35:55knock,
35:55knock.
35:57Oh,
35:58you've heard it.
36:00Uh,
36:01well,
36:01anyway,
36:02this week,
36:02I've been investigating
36:03them nasty little sticky things
36:05that you stick things
36:05to walls with,
36:06right?
36:07And what I've discovered is,
36:08if you eat a whole packet
36:09of them,
36:10it sticks your teeth together
36:12for four days.
36:14So my tip of the week
36:16is,
36:16if you're gonna eat
36:18a whole packet of them things
36:19before a conversation,
36:20and it'll stick your teeth
36:21together for four days,
36:22then that's a really
36:23bad idea.
36:24All right,
36:25so until next week,
36:26this is Kevin Turvey,
36:28you know,
36:28just sitting here
36:29in this chair.
36:30Good night.
36:32Good night.
36:47Good evening.
36:49This is Kevin Turvey.
36:53There's something different
36:54about me this week,
36:55isn't there?
36:57Can you spot it?
37:00I've had a haircut.
37:03No,
37:04that's not it,
37:05is it?
37:06What can it be,
37:07then?
37:08That's right,
37:09I'm not here.
37:12I have completely
37:14disappeared,
37:15and become utterly
37:17invisible.
37:19I'm floating around
37:20in the air,
37:22and like,
37:22in and out of cupboards.
37:26But I'm now
37:28visible again.
37:30And I'm not
37:31floating around
37:32anymore.
37:33Good,
37:34I was getting a bit
37:35air-sick anyway.
37:42Good evening,
37:43Britain.
37:44That was an
37:45investigation
37:45into the nature
37:46of the supernatural.
37:51And as you probably
37:52spotted,
37:53it was completely
37:54great.
37:55My name is
37:56Kevin Turvey.
37:57Why?
37:59Well,
38:01I don't know,
38:02it's not my fault,
38:02somebody gave it to me.
38:04I wasn't consulted.
38:06Think they might
38:07have asked me,
38:07don't you?
38:08I mean,
38:09I'm the one
38:09who's got to go
38:09around the rest
38:10of his life
38:10being called
38:11Kevin Turvey
38:11by people.
38:13Makes you sick.
38:14Makes me sick
38:15anyway.
38:17I'll tell you
38:17what makes me
38:18really sick,
38:19though.
38:20Drinking a pint
38:20of salt water
38:21and jamming
38:21my fingers
38:22down the top.
38:25That makes me
38:26really sick,
38:27that does.
38:28So,
38:29like,
38:29wherever possible,
38:30I try to avoid
38:30doing that,
38:31you know.
38:32Well,
38:32especially on the
38:33television.
38:35Because,
38:35like,
38:35it gets down
38:35the back
38:36and makes
38:36the picture
38:36go all wiggly,
38:37you know.
38:38And all the
38:39programs start
38:40to stink.
38:41Even fame.
38:43And then you
38:43get this horrible
38:44stinging pain
38:44in the back
38:45of your head.
38:45And you go,
38:46ow,
38:47stop eating
38:47me,
38:47mum.
38:48And she
38:49says,
38:49what's all
38:49this sick?
38:51And you say,
38:52well,
38:52it's mainly
38:52vegetables.
38:55But there's
38:55some cornflakes
38:56in there,
38:56I think,
38:57and a cup
38:58of tea
38:58and things
38:59like that,
38:59you know.
39:01Anyway,
39:01it's a horrible
39:02business.
39:02I just try
39:03to avoid it
39:03whenever possible,
39:04being sick,
39:05you know.
39:05Especially in
39:06the fridge.
39:08Well,
39:08because things
39:09last longer
39:10in the fridge,
39:10don't they?
39:12You know.
39:13Because,
39:13we've got
39:14this fridge
39:14at home,
39:15you know.
39:16Well,
39:16we mainly
39:17use it
39:17for keeping
39:17things in
39:18that we
39:18want to
39:18keep cold,
39:19you know.
39:20Well,
39:21it ain't much
39:21good for
39:21anything else,
39:22really.
39:23I mean,
39:23you can't
39:24get Radio 1
39:25on it.
39:26Well,
39:27unless you
39:27put the radio
39:28inside it first.
39:29I tried that
39:30the other day,
39:30actually.
39:31But I'd just
39:32opened the
39:32fridge door,
39:33right,
39:33and I heard
39:34this terrible
39:34ringing sound.
39:36And I thought,
39:36oh,
39:36no.
39:37I'll smash
39:38my face
39:38open on
39:39the fridge
39:39door again.
39:41But I hadn't,
39:42because,
39:42like,
39:42the ringing
39:43carried on
39:43and on,
39:44and it
39:44turned into
39:45a thumping,
39:45and this
39:46voice saying,
39:46let me in,
39:47Turvey,
39:48open up the
39:48door.
39:49And I thought,
39:50oh,
39:50no,
39:50not the
39:50front door
39:51again.
39:52And I was
39:53right,
39:53because,
39:53like,
39:53it was the
39:54back door,
39:54yeah.
39:56So I changed
39:56what I was
39:57thinking a bit,
39:58and I thought,
39:58oh,
39:59no,
39:59not the
40:00back door
40:00again.
40:01So I got
40:02upright,
40:02went out
40:03into the
40:03hall,
40:04because,
40:05well,
40:05you've got to
40:05get out
40:05into the
40:05hall to
40:06get to
40:06the back
40:07door,
40:07you see.
40:08Well,
40:08now,
40:09the only
40:09alternative is,
40:10like,
40:10smashing down
40:10the wall
40:10next to the
40:11cooker.
40:12I'm not
40:12going to get
40:13involved in
40:13all that
40:13again,
40:14right?
40:14Anyway,
40:15I got to
40:16the back
40:16door,
40:16right?
40:17Opened it
40:17up and
40:17everything.
40:18That was
40:19easy,
40:19really.
40:20Well,
40:20I've done
40:20it loads
40:20of times
40:21before,
40:21you know.
40:22Just got
40:23to twist
40:23the handle
40:24a bit and
40:24open up
40:24the door,
40:25you know.
40:25Piece of
40:26piss,
40:26really.
40:28Well,
40:28it's made
40:28out of
40:28wood,
40:29you know,
40:29but you
40:31know what I
40:31mean,
40:31really.
40:32Anyway,
40:32I got
40:32outside and
40:34guess what?
40:34There was
40:35absolutely
40:35nobody there.
40:37Well,
40:38except me and
40:40some paving
40:40stones and a
40:41fly or two.
40:43But there was
40:43nobody else.
40:44And I
40:44thought,
40:45hello?
40:47I didn't
40:48say it,
40:48like,
40:48you know,
40:48I just
40:49thought,
40:49hello.
40:50Well,
40:51there's not
40:51much point
40:51saying it
40:52because,
40:52like,
40:52there wasn't
40:52anybody else
40:53there,
40:53you know.
40:54But I'll
40:55tell you
40:55something funny,
40:55right?
40:57There's this
40:58bloke and
40:58he goes
40:58into a pub
41:00and there's
41:01a donkey
41:01behind the
41:01bar.
41:03And he
41:04goes up to
41:04the donkey
41:04and he
41:05says,
41:06all right,
41:07Brian?
41:09Well,
41:09he guessed
41:10his name,
41:10you know.
41:12And the
41:13donkey says,
41:14all right,
41:14mate?
41:15Well,
41:16and he
41:16with his
41:16hoof,
41:16like,
41:16he gets
41:17around.
41:21And the
41:22bloke says,
41:22I'll have a
41:22pint of
41:23bitter,
41:23please.
41:23And the
41:24donkey says,
41:24right,
41:25mate.
41:28Pause it
41:28out.
41:29He says,
41:29pint of
41:29bitter,
41:30was it?
41:30And the
41:30bloke says,
41:30that's
41:31right.
41:31And he
41:31goes,
41:32here,
41:32then.
41:36It's
41:36always funny,
41:36didn't
41:36I?
41:38Ain't got
41:39nothing to do
41:39with the
41:39story,
41:40though.
41:41That's the
41:41way things are
41:42sometimes,
41:42isn't it?
41:43You know.
41:47Well,
41:47that just
41:48about wraps
41:48it up for
41:49another week.
41:50Before I
41:50go,
41:50I'd just
41:51like to
41:51say,
41:52I'm going
41:52now.
41:53Ta-ra.
41:55Yeah,
41:55that's what
41:56I was going
41:56to say.
41:57So,
41:58until next
41:58week,
41:59this is
41:59Kevin Turvey
41:59saying,
42:00keep your
42:00trousers up,
42:01keep your
42:01legs down,
42:02and this
42:02is the
42:04age of
42:04the time.
42:05I'm
42:07.
42:17.
42:46Transcription by CastingWords
42:52CastingWords
Comments