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00:35Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:38I'm Katherine Ryan.
00:39In the news this week, a worthy winner is crowned in London at the Political Non-Entity Awards.
00:52At an art gallery in Kensington, there's an awkward moment for one visitor as staff inform
00:57her she's just hung her coat over one of the exhibits.
01:08And after Angela Rayner goes missing following an office party, friends are relieved that
01:12she found somewhere to stay for the night.
01:23On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who used to be a primary school teacher.
01:27I mean, it's half term.
01:29Maybe he still is.
01:30Please welcome John Tothill.
01:36On Paul's team tonight is a broadcaster and journalist who for years appeared on the BBC's Daily Politics
01:43as Andrew Neill's carer.
01:44Sorry, co-presenter.
01:46Please welcome Joe Coburn.
01:53We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
01:55Paul and Joe, here's yours.
01:57Yes.
01:58Ah, yes.
01:59Police investigation.
02:00Police investigation, yes.
02:01What are they investigating, I wonder?
02:02Peter Murrell, who used to run the Scottish National Party.
02:06He was chief executive.
02:08Yes.
02:08This is him at home with his now estranged wife, Nicola Sturgeon.
02:13How the mighty have fallen.
02:14Yes.
02:14Because he spent...
02:15That's a generation game.
02:17It is the generation game.
02:18And he embezzled £400,000 buying the sorts of things you've just seen on that generation game.
02:24And that motorhome.
02:25Yes.
02:25Maybe not that one, but a motorhome just like it.
02:28I think what was shocking is the scale and the range of stuff that was bought.
02:32It did actually put the generation game to shame.
02:35Seven kettles, apparently.
02:37It was a pencil sharpener that cost over 100 quid.
02:42Yes.
02:42I think it started off with pencil sharpener stuff and he was like, now it's a motorhome.
02:45Or does it start with a motorhome and you go, well, it's a pencil sharpener.
02:48Yeah, I've got to cut it back on motorhome.
02:50He even bought two hair dryers.
02:52Now, I don't know if you saw.
02:54He's not the most pursuit man in the world, is he?
02:58You don't need one hair dryer, really.
03:00But yes.
03:01All you need is a towel.
03:02Yes.
03:04But his wife didn't notice.
03:05No.
03:06Yeah.
03:06Didn't know anything.
03:07Not a clue.
03:08It seems like they were perhaps not as close as some married men.
03:12What are you saying?
03:13Did she never sort of think to herself, why are our pencils always so sharp?
03:18The police investigation into his finances, which began in 2021, has cost the taxpayer
03:22two million quid.
03:24Partly because it's so unbelievably slow.
03:27And it is interesting that the end of the story, his admission of the embezzlement,
03:31came just after the elections from Scotland.
03:34Yeah.
03:35Much to John Swinney's relief.
03:37Yes, because John Swinney, the current First Minister in Scotland, is a great friend.
03:40The jobs of First Minister and Chief Executive of the party were in the same house.
03:46Yes.
03:46Convenient.
03:47It's quite odd that £400,000 extra to a household budget, nobody notices.
03:53Right.
03:54I think Nicola Sturgeon said they were earning quite good salaries and that he did do all
04:00the shopping.
04:03The actual victims, though, were the members of the party.
04:05They were.
04:06They did this huge fundraising and then someone in the SNP noticed that all the money had
04:11gone.
04:12And they said, where's the money gone?
04:13And the SNP said, we've no idea, there's no problem here, move on.
04:17And eventually it came out.
04:18But it was unbelievably slow investigation.
04:21Well, and bearing in mind it was over 12 years, but perhaps that was rather clever.
04:25So perhaps people didn't really notice.
04:27Indeed.
04:27I love this about you, Joe, you're getting into this story.
04:30You're right, I am.
04:31Too much.
04:31I need to get out more.
04:33There's a motorhome going for sale.
04:35LAUGHTER
04:36Looking for a kind vacation.
04:38Anyway, sir.
04:43Sturgeon told a meeting of the SNP's ruling body in 2021,
04:46there are no reasons for people to be concerned about the party's finances,
04:50adding, ah, here's my husband in a new Jag.
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55Here she is.
04:57Money hasn't gone missing.
04:58All money goes through the SNP accounts independently and fully audited.
05:03Every penny we raise to support the Campaign for Independence
05:06will be spent on the Campaign for Independence.
05:09Oh.
05:10Except she was wearing some of the items.
05:13It's just reminded me, seeing her...
05:14I'd like a pencil sharpener.
05:16You can string it on a nice gold chain.
05:20Her hair was dry.
05:22LAUGHTER
05:30Does anyone know what a quaysh is?
05:33A what?
05:34Quaysh.
05:34Like a quaysh Lorraine?
05:36Yes.
05:37No, I don't.
05:38Well, it is a two-handled cup.
05:41Merle used the stolen money to buy a silver quaysh for a grand.
05:44It's traditionally used to offer a welcoming drink when unexpected visitors turn up.
05:49Like the police.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:52Yes, Ian.
05:53A wee dram.
05:54All right.
05:55We're going to play Steal a Fortune.
05:58I'm going to show you a picture, and you have to identify the items in the picture
06:01that Peter Merle bought with the stolen money.
06:03Fingers on buzzers teams.
06:05Here is your first picture.
06:08He didn't buy Nicola Sturgeon.
06:10No.
06:11For a minute.
06:12Is it the car?
06:13Half points for car.
06:14Is it the bag?
06:15The leather bag?
06:17Yes, it's the Jagan bag.
06:19Oh, Jagan bag.
06:20Merle bought himself a new Jaguar car for £81,000, and his wife got the red designer handbag
06:26for £747,50p, crook or ideal husband?
06:30LAUGHTER
06:33That is not fair.
06:34He spent £57,500 of stolen money on the car and contributed the rest himself.
06:39Oh, I'm so glad you clarified it.
06:40Yeah, sorry.
06:41Here's your next one.
06:42Spot the stolen item in this picture.
06:45The watch.
06:46No.
06:47No?
06:47Is it the pen?
06:49It is the pen.
06:49Oh, yes.
06:51Yes.
06:52Like this.
06:52Yeah, a bit like these lovely pens we've been provided in here.
06:57No expense fair.
06:59I do think he did have quite good taste.
07:01He had good, right?
07:03Also, so many coffee machines, to the point where now I kind of think, judgment aside,
07:06I would be interested to know which one he preferred the most, you know.
07:10Do you think he could do like a Christmas guide list?
07:13You know, sort of like things of like...
07:14I think he's going to have quite a lot of time on his hand.
07:17Um, yes, that's right.
07:18It's a £500 Mont Blanc pen.
07:20Why was one constituent particularly unhappy when he saw Nicola using the Mont Blanc pen?
07:26Well, because she spent all that money on a pencil sharpener, didn't she?
07:28I think what's the funny point?
07:37They were angry that Sturgeon had such an expensive item when the party had broken its election promise of free
07:43laptops for students.
07:44Sturgeon's spokesman said the pens were gifts from a relative.
07:48Oh.
07:48Back to steal a fortune, and if you look closely, can you spot the problem item here?
07:58It's the lamppost.
07:59Yeah.
08:00Actually, that motorhome now looks quite small.
08:03It cost £124,550 and was permanently parked on his mother's driveway in Dunfernland.
08:10It was meant to be a battle bus for the campaign, and presumably his mother was very difficult to persuade,
08:17so...
08:19Paul, was it a good year to purchase a motorhome and then...?
08:23Not use it.
08:26No, I mean, they are, you know, people who own motorhomes and use them, love them.
08:29You know, your holiday, you get in there, you don't have to go to an airport, you don't have to
08:32worry about flying anywhere, you don't have to change currency.
08:35You drive to some sort of camp field somewhere and you wake up in the morning, you have electric bikes
08:39on the back, you explore country lanes, you come back with some eggs and some Wheeler Bix, you feed the
08:42kids, you do all sorts of things.
08:43I've never done it myself, but I hear it's quite good.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:52What did Nicola Sturgeon say about the motorhome?
08:54No comments, mostly what she said.
08:56She said she was not aware of its existence until the police investigation in 2023, which implies she never visited
09:03her mother-in-law.
09:05Local student Ryan Thomas Quinn isn't convinced, however, because he told The Telegraph that in 2022 he saw Sturgeon in
09:13an asthma.
09:13She was shopping at Asda, holding a frozen pizza and garlic bread.
09:16Just six minutes from her mother-in-law's home.
09:23She was shopping at Asda while her husband was investing 400 grand.
09:28She was having a frozen pizza.
09:30Allegedly.
09:31But Nicola Sturgeon has issued two statements this week through her lawyer reiterating that she knew nothing about her estranged
09:37husband's criminal behaviour.
09:38Here's how Scotland's The Daily Record covered the story.
09:42LAUGHTER
09:50Nicola Sturgeon said that she had fully cooperated with the police investigation, however, The Daily Telegraph understands that she exercised
09:57her right to give no comment in parts of her police interview.
10:00Here's the current leader of the SNP, John Swinney, being asked about that.
10:04What do you think that are no-comment interviews fully incorporated, please?
10:09I've got no comment to offer what police are doing.
10:12LAUGHTER
10:16All right, this is the grand finale of Steal a Fortune.
10:19Points are on offer if you can correctly identify the cheapest of the stolen money items we'll show you.
10:25Here's your first one.
10:26We have the aforementioned three coffee machines.
10:30A Jura Z8 fully automatic bean-to-cup coffee machine, the Miele CM 6300 coffee machine, or the Jura Giga
10:375-Chromo coffee machine.
10:40This is like an identity parade, isn't it?
10:43LAUGHTER
10:43We must remember, he purchased all three of these coffees.
10:45Oh, right, he got all three.
10:47The middle one's the cheapest.
10:49Yes, Paul, you're absolutely right.
10:50The rubbish old Miele CM 6300.
10:54Ooh!
10:56Passed only £1,299.
10:58God.
10:59He's got to start a YouTube channel.
11:01Yeah.
11:02I want to see them all in action.
11:04I want taste tests.
11:05I'd love it.
11:06Where did you put them all?
11:07Great question.
11:08And how did Nicola Sturgeon not notice?
11:12Sitting at the motorhome in the middle of the night, secretly drinking coffee from three different machines.
11:18On his mother's trial.
11:19Yeah, just like...
11:21Exactly.
11:21Just hyped up on caffeine.
11:23Blow-drying is no hair.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:25At both angles.
11:27Just blow-drying into his mouth.
11:28He just wants to stay hot, this guy.
11:31Well, he certainly needs a barista now, doesn't he?
11:33Yeah.
11:34Yes.
11:35Boom, boom.
11:37APPLAUSE
11:40A final one.
11:42Yes.
11:42Which of these cost Peter Merle the least amount of someone else's money?
11:45Yes.
11:46Was it six bottles of Avon Skin So Soft body spray?
11:49A box set of Borgen or Grand Theft Auto game?
11:52Skin Soft.
11:53Yes, Paul.
11:53It's the Avon Skin So Soft body spray.
11:56A thoughtful gesture for his future cellmate?
11:59LAUGHTER
12:01If you'd been accused of acquiring a motorhome through illegal means, who'd you really be buying a game called Grand
12:06Theft Auto?
12:08LAUGHTER
12:12APPLAUSE
12:14This is Peter Merle's confession that he splashed £400,000 of SNP funds on his own extravagant lifestyle.
12:21The long list of items Peter Merle spent other people's cash on included a £1,199 telescope, which he looked
12:29through every night to see if the police were coming.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:32Peter Merle acquired a Lalique salt and pepper grinder set, a Jura Giga 5 chromo coffee machine, a robot lawnmower,
12:39and a motorhome.
12:41Nicola Sturgeon wasn't suspicious. She just assumed he'd had a really good run on bullseye.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:47Peter Merle spent £150 on a Fortnum & Mason musical advent calendar, described on Fortnum's website as set to become
12:55a treasured family heirloom, or Exhibit F.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:01Ian and John, here's yours.
13:03Ah, yes, so, by-election.
13:05Yeah.
13:05Oh, nightmare, blunt rotation.
13:07Crying.
13:08All right, karaoke time, let's go!
13:11That's Rupert Lowe and that's the plumber.
13:13Rob Kenyon.
13:14Yep, heading out to his van.
13:15Oh, yes, he's been tweeting.
13:17Yeah, so this is the Makefield by-election.
13:19It is.
13:19The Green put up a candidate, he only lasted about 12 hours before they had to replace him because of
13:25things that he'd written online.
13:27So, the reform candidate, everyone said, oh, well, that'll be different.
13:30And then all the stuff that he's written online came up.
13:33Some really revolting stuff about Carol Valdeman.
13:36Mm.
13:37Then followed by some stuff that really annoyed reform that suggested he hadn't voted for Brexit.
13:42Bizarre.
13:43Bizarre.
13:44I mean, did he vote Remain, then, or did he just not vote?
13:48I mean, there is another party...
13:49He might have voted in Romania.
13:50We have...
13:52Well, Kenyon has clarified this week that he did, in fact, vote for Brexit.
13:57Before this information came to light, how were reform doing in the polls in Makerfield?
14:01Oh, they were doing not as well as they thought because of Restore.
14:05Is that right?
14:06Yes.
14:07There's been a split on the right.
14:09Yes.
14:09And doesn't Elon Musk support the...
14:11Exactly, Restore.
14:12Restore.
14:13Yeah.
14:13There was an Elon Musk story last week, I think.
14:15He's been complaining about a coming-up film by, I think, directed by Christopher Nolan,
14:19where the part of Helen of Troy is being played by a black actress.
14:23He was very upset about this, although she is indeed a fictional character.
14:27Yes.
14:28And, again, I think the suggestion that he's read The Odyssey is pushing it.
14:33LAUGHTER
14:34I think the only Homer he's aware of is in The Simpsons.
14:38LAUGHTER
14:40It's getting down and dirty, though, at this by-election.
14:43Yes.
14:44Everybody is going for their social media.
14:47Millions of viewings of Restore, because up until now,
14:50I'm not sure that many people had heard of the party,
14:53or even perhaps Rupert Lowe.
14:55Lowe was most famous for standing on the cliffs in Great Yarmouth
14:59and said, look, there's a boat full of illegal immigrants,
15:02call the Coast Guard, which they did and found it was a charity row.
15:06LAUGHTER
15:07And by some Olympic...
15:09Marines? Were they ex-Marines or something?
15:10Yeah.
15:11And he said, I won't apologise for my vigilance.
15:15LAUGHTER
15:16Reform will claim that since Brexit,
15:18we're free of all sorts of pesky EU regulations.
15:20What has caused a generation of toilets to leak?
15:23I mean, all the plumbers keep going to Westminster.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:27There aren't enough plumbers, and they keep running for office.
15:30Why can't we send a few graphic designers to Westminster or something?
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36It's the legalisation of eco-flush toilets in the UK in 2001.
15:40They've brought in a leaky-loo task force to sort this out.
15:43What is wrong with the eco-flush toilets?
15:46Litres and litres, millions of litres per year
15:48are lost through the leakage.
15:50That's right.
15:51Mm.
15:52Eco-flush toilets operate on a valve system
15:54that drops water into the toilet bowl when you flush it,
15:56whereas the old-fashioned British Thomas Crapper-designed toilet
15:59pushes the water over an upside-down U-bend.
16:02Mm.
16:03And I've created a diagram.
16:04That's good, isn't it?
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?
16:08LAUGHTER
16:09Put that on the banknote.
16:11British siphon system!
16:14APPLAUSE
16:19While we're talking about eco-toilets, though,
16:21which button is it that you press for a big flush?
16:25This has been a point of contention.
16:27Is it the big button or the small button?
16:29It can be either, but usually it's the big button.
16:30Yeah.
16:31Well, opinion is divided.
16:32Here's a sample of the confusion on Reddit.
16:36Amarfield says...
16:40Is it because it dispenses of larger deposits,
16:42or is it larger because it provides
16:43the more frequently required small flush?
16:46Oh!
16:47Can we not just have a picture of a poo on the poo flush button?
16:50LAUGHTER
16:50Or, I don't know, a literal number one
16:54and number two in the appropriate placing?
16:57LAUGHTER
16:57To which Sparky, 1863, replied,
16:59a question I thought I'd never see raised,
17:01but glad it has been.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:03For balance, we should say something
17:05about the Conservative and Liberal Democrat candidates.
17:07They're both going to lose.
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10We still have to mention some of the fringe candidates
17:13in the Makerfield by-election.
17:15What does Mr Robert Pownall want?
17:17Er, does he want to restore fox hunting?
17:20Yes.
17:20I think he wants more people to leave their black bins out overnight.
17:24LAUGHTER
17:24With the mid-job.
17:27APPLAUSE
17:30A lot of people around Westminster during election time
17:33get dressed up as chickens to run behind candidates
17:37and politicians and say,
17:39you're a chicken!
17:40Er, but, you know...
17:42Yes, but that's missing the point,
17:43because they're the chicken.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46If I was dressed as a chicken,
17:47the last thing I'd do would be pointing at somebody else
17:49and say, you're a chicken!
17:50LAUGHTER
17:51That's self-denial on a huge scale!
17:55The government never sleeps.
17:56What has the Department of Education
17:58recently harnessed the power of?
18:00The moon.
18:01Sexual magnetism.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:03The Jay Say.
18:05I beg your pardon?
18:06The Jay Say.
18:07The Jay Say.
18:07Gemma Collins.
18:08Yes!
18:09She was on one of their publicity campaigns
18:11and kind of faced a sort of weird classist backlash or something.
18:14Yes.
18:15So it's Gemma Collins from The Only Way Is Essex,
18:17here she is,
18:18chatting shit with Bridget Philipson,
18:20the Education Secretary.
18:22If you were Education Secretary for the day, what would you do?
18:24I'd sit there, I'd invite GMB down and I would do a whole morning shout-out.
18:33Everyone waking up for school, tune in to me, the GC.
18:38All I'm asking you to do is learn whilst you're there.
18:42Now, go to school, honeys, go to college, go to uni,
18:45have a fabulous day and just be fabulous.
18:49LAUGHTER
18:50I like it.
18:52I love the GCs.
18:55Oh, I'm starting to understand the backlash.
18:59Go to school, honeys, have a fabulous day.
19:03LAUGHTER
19:04I love her.
19:06It's uncanny, it's like we're in government.
19:10The Gemma Collins Department of Education content
19:13is supposed to take strength from the GC brand,
19:16which says, according to Tom Peck of The Times,
19:18you should never allow yourself to be held back
19:21by merely not knowing anything at all about anything.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:25I love that.
19:27APPLAUSE
19:29In other news, what's Channel 4 allegedly been doing this week
19:32to stop the negative headlines about Married at First Sight?
19:35They recommissioned another 12 series.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:38It's rumoured to be in discussions with Hugh Edwards
19:41to enable him to state his case...
19:44..following his conviction.
19:46They know about PR, don't they?
19:48Oh, God.
19:49Do we need it?
19:50A race to the bottom.
19:51Yeah.
19:52This is the by-election in Makerfield.
19:56APPLAUSE
20:01And our own heads.
20:02Leave it there.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:04Oh, I shouldn't have said that, never mind.
20:08LAUGHTER
20:10Someone's going to clip that as a sexy Ian Hyslop meme.
20:14LAUGHTER
20:14Not another one!
20:17Can't move for them, blimey!
20:18This is the by-election in Makerfield.
20:21Three of the parties standing are
20:22Restore, Reform and Rejoin,
20:24which is also the slogan of my favourite plastic surgeon.
20:28LAUGHTER
20:29It's emerged that during Hugh Edwards' trial,
20:31part of his defence was that he was suffering
20:33from a cerebrovascular neurocognitive disorder.
20:36We have put that up on the screen,
20:38just in case Andrew's watching and wants to Google it.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:43And so, to round two, the wheel of news.
20:46Fingers on buzzers, teens. Here's your first one.
20:56A calendar featuring good-looking, hunky priests,
21:00and none of them are priests.
21:02How do you know about that?
21:03Yeah.
21:03It's a specialist subject of mine.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:10I'm so impressed, I've bought this calendar.
21:14LAUGHTER
21:16I can't believe this has come up.
21:19LAUGHTER
21:20And there was no real need for me to tell everyone I bought it.
21:23LAUGHTER
21:24Here we are.
21:25So you're familiar with the Calendario Romano,
21:28otherwise known as the Hot Priest Calendar,
21:30but you've figured out the catch already.
21:33Everyone knew about this.
21:34They're not real priests.
21:36The calendar's creator has admitted the deception,
21:38but says at least a third of the priests in next year's edition are...
21:42LAUGHTER
21:44They're not going to do one like Calendar Girls,
21:46where they are also stripped naked and hiding behind various,
21:50sort of, things at the Vatican, I hope, for next year.
21:53Or maybe I'll buy it then, if it's next year.
21:55Giovanni Galizia has been the cover star of the Hot Priest calendar
21:59for 23 years in a row.
22:01So, what does he actually do for work?
22:04He's a Satanist.
22:06LAUGHTER
22:09According to The Independent, Giovanni is a flight attendant
22:12for a Spanish airline.
22:14Would you like to see some other Hot Priest?
22:17Yes.
22:17No, thank you.
22:17No.
22:18Ian, why don't you pick a month for us?
22:21Um...
22:21Late August.
22:23June, you say?
22:28Here's a Hot Priest with a cat.
22:29Oh, with a cat.
22:31Yes.
22:32Didn't know they were into pussies.
22:36Paul, would you like to pick a month?
22:38Uh, yes.
22:39January.
22:39Well, I've only got December left.
22:41OK.
22:42December.
22:43How do you get the message across
22:45that a Hot Priest is cold at wintertime?
22:47Put him in a fur coat?
22:49Or a lightly quilted jacket.
22:53This is the shocking news
22:55that the Hot Priest calendar
22:56does not feature real priests.
22:58It comes to something
22:59when a sexy priest isn't all he seems to be.
23:01Mind you, in some of the films I've seen,
23:03I'm not sure all those men
23:04were genuine corgi-registered plumbers.
23:11OK, back to the wheel of news.
23:13Fingers on buzzers.
23:13Teams, here's your next one.
23:21Oh!
23:21Something's happened there.
23:24They realised that the Mona Lisa,
23:26if she were alive today,
23:27she'd be considered obese or something like that.
23:28Yeah.
23:29This is the news that a man
23:30thinks the Mona Lisa is fat.
23:32Who would dare say anything bad about her?
23:34No, exactly.
23:35Speaking at the European Congress
23:37on Obesity in Istanbul this week,
23:38Dr Michael Yaffe from the University of Texas said
23:41that just by looking at the painting,
23:43he could tell that the Mona Lisa had high cholesterol,
23:47an underactive thyroid and excessive body fat.
23:50Who asked you, Michael?
23:53Let's talk about Michelangelo's David and his fat ass.
23:58She's just an ordinary looking woman,
24:00which this academic has said,
24:03she's fat.
24:04I can tell from the picture.
24:06She's beautiful and youthful.
24:08I paid someone to take fat from my ass
24:10and put it in my face.
24:14Oh, sorry.
24:20Don't worry, Joe, I am also laughing.
24:29Do you know, the Mona Lisa is frequently voted
24:31the most disappointing tourist attraction in the world.
24:34It's presumably that,
24:35because you can't get very near it now.
24:38There's about 30,000 people in front of you
24:40to go and see it.
24:41The rest of the Louvre is sort of empty.
24:43You can go and nick some jewels if you like.
24:46The Mona Lisa was stolen before.
24:48Yeah.
24:49There's a movie.
24:50Yeah.
24:51Um...
24:51I stole Fatty Lisa.
24:53Yeah.
24:57Time now for the Missing Words round,
24:59which this week features as its guest publication,
25:02Global Cement.
25:03Woo!
25:05Yay, fans!
25:06Popular!
25:06You poor sods!
25:10I think it's the staff outing.
25:12It must be, yeah.
25:12Who else is going to cheer for Global Cement?
25:15Woo!
25:21How much does each issue cost?
25:24That's shut you up, isn't it?
25:27And we start with...
25:28Runaway tortoise not seen for eight months what?
25:31It's found three inches from its original location.
25:36Yeah.
25:37Runaway tortoise not seen for eight months found 300 meters away.
25:40Oh.
25:41This is a tortoise called Scuttle,
25:43which went missing from her enclosure in Cornwall in August,
25:46but was recently found by a neighbor in a field just 300 meters away.
25:50300 meters in eight months?
25:52That is fast, said the boss of HS2.
25:54LAUGHTER
25:58Very good.
26:00APPLAUSE
26:03Next.
26:04One of the best places to meet fellow cement lovers is what?
26:08A cement mixer.
26:09Yeah.
26:11Psychiatric hospital?
26:14Here.
26:18One of the best places to meet fellow cement lovers is the global slag conference.
26:24LAUGHTER
26:29Lastly, what says I regret nothing after what?
26:33Edith Piaf.
26:34Hmm.
26:35After long intro.
26:36Yeah.
26:38Yeah.
26:39Mussolini's granddaughter says,
26:41I regret nothing after winning Big Brother.
26:43LAUGHTER
26:45God, we really do live at the end of the world, don't we?
26:49Alessandra Mussolini is the most controversial reality TV winner
26:52since German portrait artist of the year was won by Helga Hitler.
26:57Fascists unite.
26:58Yeah.
26:59Fascists at first sight.
27:01Yeah.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:06So, the final scores are Ian and John have six, Paul and Joe have four.
27:11Oh, well...
27:12Sympathy.
27:13Well done, Dave.
27:16But, before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:20Unlike her husband, Queen Camilla is still waiting for the ecstasy to kick in.
27:25LAUGHTER
27:31I can see pixies.
27:33LAUGHTER
27:35LAUGHTER
27:35LAUGHTER
27:37On which note, we say thank you to our panelists, Ian Hislop and John Tothill,
27:41Paul Martin and Joe Coburn.
27:43And I leave you with news that, in Westminster, there's an upsetting moment
27:47as West Streeting slips and has a heavy fall.
27:50LAUGHTER
27:52King Charles says he's honoured to learn that a new species of Himalayan mountain goat
27:56has been named after him.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:01And, on a visit to an army training centre in the Forest of Dean,
28:05Defence Secretary John Healy apologises after relieving himself in the wrong bush.
28:11LAUGHTER
28:13APPLAUSE
28:27Thanks, Faces, and their fascinating family trees.
28:31Who do you think you are?
28:33Starting with Zoe Ball on iPlayer,
28:35this and everything across the BBC is made possible
28:38because we're funded by you.
28:41APPLAUSE
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