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00:00Good night, gracious me!
00:30What have we got?
00:58Forty-year-old male, gunned down on the street.
01:05Rickton's wife's over there.
01:08Okay, thanks. Better go talk to her. This is a part of the job I really hate.
01:15In your dreams, whichever buddy you are.
01:32No, Mina, it's me, innit?
01:35Oh, phew, Mina. I thought you was one of my stalkers trying to ask me out again.
01:39In their dreams.
01:41As if.
01:42Anyway, what was you ringing me about?
01:44Oh, nothing. Just to let you know that I've been asked out on a date, innit?
01:49Hello?
01:51Mina, you still there?
01:54Yeah, sorry, I just fainted for a second.
01:58Now, you do remember we don't count men on the telly or in magazines, yeah?
02:02And they are not sending you secret messages through your hair dryer.
02:05Now, Mina, this time it's a real bloke, innit?
02:08I met him on the escalators in the metro centre when he caught his anorak toggling my belly button ring.
02:14And then when we finally left casualty, right, he asked me out.
02:21Well, I hope you told him in his dreams, buddy.
02:24Well, uh, um...
02:26You did at least say as if, didn't you?
02:28Mina, I would have done, only, see, Michael's quite cute, right?
02:33Oh, man, Michael!
02:35So now you're switching from roti to white bread, eh?
02:39Nah, you listen to me, right?
02:47No, well, that's gonna be a hot date, innit?
02:49Listen to his cool as shaker CD in the back of his full Cortina
02:53while he drools about you're all over tan, ha, in his dreams.
02:57Actually, Michael's half Indian, innit?
03:00Which half?
03:03Does it matter?
03:04Yeah, it does.
03:05If it's a top half, he'll think you're a slut if you kiss on a first date.
03:09And if it's a bottom half, don't bother kissing him,
03:11cos he'll be useless at anything else.
03:13What a skit!
03:14Well, I did kiss him, so there.
03:16And it was quite nice, too.
03:18And I didn't have any of them guilty hallucinations after neither.
03:22Oh, yeah!
03:23Them ones where your grandparents appear at the end of the bed
03:25waving bloody swords and shouting,
03:27die in agony, dung-sucking whore of Jalanda.
03:33What?
03:35Oh, that's just me, then.
03:38Just Mina?
03:39You don't want me to go out with him, do you?
03:41If you want to betray the sisterhood,
03:43that is up to you, Bina!
03:45Well, so what shall I tell his best friend, then,
03:48who wants to go out with you?
03:52Still there?
03:54Eh?
03:57Hurry up or we'll be late!
03:59As if!
04:00Steve!
04:07Where can I find Frankie the fish?
04:10How do I know you ain't a cop?
04:13Do I look like a cop?
04:14possible.
04:15There...
04:16There...
04:18I'm like it...
04:20I'm not possible.
04:21I'm not, like theア áreas...
04:24me.
04:29Aul yes!
04:30Mrs. Chatterjee, you were a young girl at the time of the British Raj.
04:37Can you tell us what it was like growing up during such turbulent days?
04:42Ah, I was so young.
04:46Won't you have some nimbu pani?
04:49It's freshly made.
04:52My, don't the gardens look lovely?
04:56So neat.
04:57You know, when the British were here, the gardens were so beautifully kept.
05:05Of course, Mr. Gandy and Mr. Ginna were making a terrible hullabaloo,
05:10but they really were wonderful days.
05:16I remember parties up at the old governor's house,
05:21and one particularly magnificent occasion,
05:25attended by the Viceroy himself.
05:29Everyone dressed in their finery.
05:33Do you remember what you wore?
05:34Oh, no, I wasn't allowed inside.
05:40I was chained to the main gate,
05:43being whipped by a couple of dashing young fusiliers.
05:48And as they flogged me to within an inch of my life,
05:53I couldn't help noticing how gaily decorated the Marquise were.
05:57Wonderful days.
06:07Namaste, namaste, namaste.
06:10I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
06:13Welcome to my Temple of Enlightenment.
06:15And now, time for meditation.
06:17Oh, Guruji, could you tell us the story of Krishna?
06:26Krishna?
06:28Sure, sure, why not?
06:30Possibly one of the greatest of the gods.
06:33Krishna embodies the modern consciousness
06:35at a divine spirit level, so to speak.
06:39His story is of the ultimate battle
06:41between the forces of darkness and the forces of light.
06:45I will translate from the original Sanskrit.
06:53Armani Charuti Donakin.
06:58Dilithium Vulcan Yaklingon.
07:03You see, when he was a little boy,
07:06Krishna lived in a village and worked on his uncle's farm.
07:09But he never knew who his father was.
07:11And always he would stare up at the stars
07:13and think, who am I?
07:16What is my destiny?
07:20And also he knew in the mountains
07:22of this Guru type called
07:25Gobi 1 Nairobi.
07:31They got the two droids
07:32and one was very tall and the other was little.
07:34They spoke in a very strange language.
07:36So the Gujarati or some derivative.
07:39And there was Jabba the Jutt
07:42who wanted to kill the untouchable
07:44Harijan Ford
07:46and the demon king,
07:48the dark invader.
07:49And he was building the death sitar.
07:52Right?
07:52And with one twang,
07:53he could destroy a planet.
07:55And Krishna had to beat him.
07:57And then he remembered the words
07:58that Gobi had told him.
07:59And what does that mean?
08:11Uh, may the force be with you.
08:13Nazreen Ishaq.
08:23A happy-go-lucky teenager
08:25who, like so many young Asian girls,
08:27is oppressed by traditionalist parents
08:29who treat her like a piece of property.
08:33This week on Expose,
08:35I expose these parents.
08:40Hello, excuse me, Mr Ishaq.
08:42Bobnonk, Expose.
08:45Where is your daughter Nazreen at the moment?
08:48She's in her room.
08:49Right, why?
08:51She's doing her homework.
08:52I see, so she's shut up in her room.
08:54What?
08:55Is the door locked?
08:57What do you mean?
08:57Do you lock her in her room
08:59until she's finished?
09:00No.
09:01And if she fails to get straight A's
09:03in her exams, what then?
09:05What then?
09:05I assume you'll administer
09:06a severe beating.
09:09No.
09:10Are you trying to tell me
09:11that you don't beat your daughter?
09:12That you don't treat her like a slave?
09:14That you don't keep her locked in the cellar
09:16with only a bucket for her toilet?
09:18Darling, what's happening?
09:19Who are these people?
09:20Ah, Mrs Ishaq.
09:21When your daughter wants to go out
09:23with her friends like a normal Western girl,
09:25how do you stop her?
09:27Well, she quite likes going out with her friends.
09:29In fact, she's going to cinema tonight.
09:31And what if your daughter
09:32were to meet someone at this cinema?
09:34What if she then wanted to marry this person?
09:36Is it not the case that you would then
09:37lock her in the cellar again
09:39until she agreed not to marry this poor man
09:41whose only crime was to fall in love
09:43with a member of your family?
09:46We don't have a cellar.
09:47Are you going to force her to marry
09:53her unborn tractor-driving cousin
09:55from Pakistan
09:55with only the one eye
09:56but 12 enormous fingers?
09:58It would have been nice talking to you
10:00but we have to go.
10:00Do you tie her up
10:01with your husband's belt?
10:03We have to go inside.
10:06Would you?
10:07Now, for us, please.
10:09Look, just go away, you stupid man.
10:11Oh, go on.
10:12All the viewers would love it.
10:14Viewers?
10:18Is this going to be on television?
10:22Okay, I'll just go get her.
10:35Come on, let's clear these comic books away.
10:37Oh, don't move that.
10:38That's my Superman collection.
10:39I'm trying to put it in order.
10:40But you've got so many.
10:42Do you need this many comics?
10:44Superman's my favourite superhero.
10:46Ah, well, I can understand that.
10:48He's so brave.
10:50So strong.
10:51So Indian.
10:53What?
10:54Superman Indian.
10:56No!
10:57Ah, ah.
10:58Come on, you've seen the film.
10:59He runs faster than a speeding train.
11:01There's only one country
11:02where you can run faster than the train.
11:04But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, Dad!
11:07What about Clark Kent?
11:09Huh, Clark Kent?
11:10Er, national health glasses.
11:12Bad haircut.
11:14Go to Calcutta.
11:15You see millions of civil servants
11:16dress like that in the day.
11:17No, Dad!
11:18Superman comes from Krypton.
11:20Kerala!
11:23Think about it, y'all.
11:24He's got two jobs.
11:25Indian.
11:26Never takes a day off work.
11:28Indian.
11:29And, how does he get around?
11:32Cheap flights?
11:33I don't believe you.
11:34Not just Superman.
11:36Batman, Spider-Man, Incredible Hulk.
11:37All top superheroes come from India.
11:39Rubbish!
11:40Not rubbish.
11:41You look at the ancient Hindu texts.
11:42They're full of superheroes.
11:44There's Holy Man.
11:46Hanuman.
11:47Catman, dude.
11:50Catman, dude?
11:51Okay, forget that one.
11:52But also, Mongoose Man.
11:53Bribery Man.
11:54Latrine Boy.
11:55I remember travelling from Jaipur to Pune on the old flyer.
12:09A ragtag bunch we were.
12:11Old women chattering amongst themselves.
12:15Small children dashing up and down the aisle.
12:18And as we pulled into the old hill station, a group of dashing young fusiliers from the
12:27local barracks came onto the platform and began to pepper our carriage with gunfire.
12:35And as the blood trickled down the aisle, I couldn't help noticing how brightly polished
12:42their boots were.
12:46Wonderful days.
13:17Meow, pussycats.
13:20Yeah?
13:21It's me, Smita Smitten Showbiz Kitten, snuffling around in the cat litter of celebrity lives
13:27to bring you hot chunks of fresh, steamy gossip.
13:30And today, I'm interviewing the glamorous producer of the Smita Smitten Show, the hottest
13:36showbiz program on the Lahore Cable Network.
13:39So, Nina, how goes it in the world of glitz?
13:44Right, Smita, I've asked you here to discuss a very delicate matter.
13:48Oh, meow, pussycats.
13:49Oh, meow, pussycats.
13:50Here comes the bombshell.
13:51Finally, the identity of Jackie Shroff's mysterious companion is exclusively revealed to yours truly.
13:58Smita, this is not the show.
14:00This is real life.
14:01It won't make this any more difficult than it is, okay?
14:06I've been meaning to talk to you for a while now about the show.
14:09Oh, burr, pussycats.
14:10Could it be that Smita's been spotted stepping out with Bollywood bad boy Sonny the old?
14:15Listen to me, Smita.
14:18I'm very sorry, but we're axing the show.
14:27You don't get invited to parties anymore.
14:29You've got no contacts and nobody in the business is prepared to talk with you.
14:32Those are not good things for a gossip columnist.
14:36You'll be all right.
14:39Meow, the pussycat always lands on her feet, viewers.
14:42Smita, there are no viewers, okay?
14:44They've gone forever.
14:46Could it be that the Granite George Selma...
14:48Smita, clear your desk.
14:51You're...
14:51I resign!
14:53I resign.
14:55That's this week's exclusive, folks.
14:57Smita Spitton resigns before her dumpy boss knows what's hit her.
15:02Wait till I tell the gorgeous Art Malik about this.
15:05Have my Garfield back, you bet.
15:09Ciao, man.
15:10Ciao.
15:10What are you doing, man?
15:11Nothing.
15:12You want to go shoplifting in the Cash and Carry?
15:14No way, man.
15:16I'm not going to steal nothing from that place.
15:18Why not, man?
15:19Because they sell genetically altered vegetables, innit?
15:22What are you talking about, man?
15:24I'm talking about the gene pool.
15:26You know, evolution.
15:28Mutating chromosomes.
15:30Oh, fair enough, man.
15:31I don't want my chromosome.
15:32I don't want my teeth.
15:33Not yours.
15:35The rasmeloid have to be pretty disturbed to have any interest in your genes.
15:40Just my chuggy, man.
15:41Chill, man.
15:42Chill, chill.
15:43All I'm saying is, right, in the future, no matter how repulsive you are, you will be able
15:48to be reproduced by cloning.
15:51What's that, man?
15:52Don't you get it?
15:53In the future, we will be clones.
15:55Oh, I love it, love it.
15:58The big shoe, the recto, the car, the wheel, the wheel, the wheel, the wheel, the wheel.
16:03You spindle.
16:05I'm not talking about circus entertainment.
16:08I'm talking about genetic engineering.
16:10What about it?
16:11It's like a fusion of genetic materials remixed to create the ultimate human being.
16:18Whoa!
16:19And there are already genetic mutations walking to earth, man.
16:22Now, wait.
16:22Why?
16:24The mule, part horse, part donkey.
16:26The husky, part wolf, part dog.
16:30Uncle Devinder.
16:32What?
16:33Part newsagent, part minicab driver.
16:42Shut up.
16:44Anyway, I thought we were going shoplifting.
16:46But where?
16:47There's this newsagent on Green Street, right?
16:50The mutant behind the counter has got arthritis and crap eyesight.
16:54Yeah!
16:55That's my dad's place!
16:57Idiot!
17:03Of course, that was the year that the handsome and dashing Bonsonby Smythe was made a general.
17:12I do confess I had something of a crush on him, and I became terribly excited when he came into town to execute my auntie.
17:27Wonderful day.
17:28Welcome to the show.
17:45Our special guest, top Asian chef, Mohamed Bashir, has created a sumptuous meal.
17:50Yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:51You've got nothing.
17:51The baby frills, marinated in fresh sugar and fenugreek, were to die for.
17:57Thank you, Ainsley.
18:00And the Goonies lobster with tamarind.
18:02And coconut milk.
18:03It was just delicious.
18:05Which, of course, leaves only one thing.
18:06My favourite, the dessert.
18:08Ah, the dessert.
18:09The crowning glory of every Asian feast.
18:13This particular dessert is said to have been the favourite dish of Emperor Shah Jahanis.
18:20The recipe has been handed down over generations, and now it is the favourite dessert choice of every Asian household.
18:29Wow.
18:30So how long did this sumptuous pudding take to repair?
18:3345 seconds.
18:35And does this masterpiece have a name?
18:37Yes, it is called a fruit cocktail and tip-tock.
18:45Why did you manage to create that unique flavour?
18:49You see, I put clean fill on top and left it in the fridge for three weeks.
18:55Don't forget, three weeks.
18:58Right.
18:59That's all we've got time for.
19:01Join us next week.
19:02You haven't finished your sweet.
19:04Fine, really, thank you.
19:05You must eat the jerry.
19:07It's going for you.
19:09That's the best part.
19:11Yes, it is.
19:16Good night, Ma.
19:22Good night, John Boy.
19:24Ma?
19:25Yes, John Boy.
19:27When I'm married, can I move out and get a place of my own?
19:30No, John Boy.
19:31You and your wife will live here in the family home.
19:35Pa?
19:36Yes, John Boy?
19:38Can I be a writer like I've always wanted?
19:40Don't be silly, son.
19:42You'll be working in the family business like I did.
19:45Ma?
19:47Yes, John Boy?
19:49Are we Asian?
19:50Why would you ask a silly question like that?
19:54Because I'm 43.
19:55Don't you stop your nonsense and go to sleep, will you?
20:00Okay.
20:01Grandma?
20:03Que gal ha, John Boy?
20:06Could you budge up a little bit?
20:08I'm trying to get a sleep here.
20:09That summer, the evenings were particularly fragrant.
20:22And we would often take tea pure out on the veranda.
20:26And any of the local officers who weren't otherwise engaged
20:33would often stop by to assault us women folk.
20:39And as I lay crushed beneath their sweating bodies,
20:44I would always remark on the faultless creasing of their trousers.
20:51Wonderful day.
20:52Tonight on The Book Programme,
21:04we discuss the phenomenal success of Asian writers
21:07in Western literature.
21:09I'm joined by three of the authors on the Booker Prize shortlist.
21:13If I could just turn to you first, Anita Devi.
21:16Is there not a certain amount of bandwagon jumping going on
21:19following the success of such writers as Vikram Seth
21:22and Arundhati Roy?
21:23No, not at all.
21:24I think Asians are natural authors
21:27because of the rich depth of our cultural experiences.
21:30So you don't feel that the glut of novels by Asian authors
21:33is just a fad?
21:35I'm sorry, but I don't think that my book
21:37made the Booker shortlist just because of my name.
21:41It's there because of the vast philosophical
21:43and cultural resources I have as a nation.
21:45The thousands of years of civilisation,
21:48the indelible scars left by the struggle for independence,
21:52the duality of the immigrant experience.
21:55And that's what your book's about, is it?
21:57Yeah.
21:58Your book, The Little Bear That Goes Shopping.
22:01Yeah.
22:06Isn't it fundamentally about a teddy bear who goes shopping?
22:11I'm sorry.
22:12I find that interpretation incredibly Eurocentric.
22:15I agree.
22:16I think your subjective judgments
22:18are based on imperialistic preconceptions.
22:21I feel that one of the reasons that my book has been nominated
22:24is that I leave it to the reader to make these moral decisions.
22:27Yeah, you also leave it to the reader to colour in their own pictures.
22:30That's because there is a tradition of pictorial representation
22:36in Indian literature, of which you are completely ignorant.
22:39Exactly.
22:40I mean, I think to fully appreciate my work,
22:43the reader has to use his own imagination,
22:46his own reference points.
22:47His own crayons.
22:50Look, look, I'm a serious novelist.
22:52My book has integrity, it has warmth.
22:54And a free packet of balloons.
22:57You are denigrating a serious artistic movement.
23:00So, bandwagon, our genuine artistic movement.
23:04Let's ask our third author, Indira Pakistani.
23:08I am in total agreement with them.
23:14Didn't you used to be Geoffrey Archer?
23:16No.
23:17No.
23:17Now, you get your ass down to the phone in Union Square.
23:29You've got 30 seconds.
23:31If you don't pick up after 10 rings,
23:32I'm gonna detonate the bomb.
23:34Good luck.
23:35Hello?
23:57Hello?
23:57Oh, shit.
24:05I just like doing things my way, Captain.
24:07OK, Detective, that's it.
24:10I'm sick of you and your maverick methods.
24:12You're suspended.
24:14I want your badge and your piece on my desk right now.
24:27Look out, it's the blacked up men.
24:43Let me tell you about a man named Jolson.
24:45Some folk thought that his act was really wholesome.
24:48He and his pals had to share the blame
24:50for giving us what we call the minstrel pains.
24:52Al blacked up his face, insulted a race,
24:54in talking movies that the world did embrace.
24:56He was the first of what we now can't stand,
24:59the first 20th century blacked up men.
25:01They were the blacked up men.
25:06Surely you remember.
25:10Look out, it's the blacked up men.
25:15With their strange agendas.
25:19Othello was Shakespeare's hero with a flaw.
25:21The great white dole's blacked up to play the great more.
25:23Forgetting the facts, Othello was black.
25:25And not a fat white man covered in cack.
25:27Wells and Olivier should be admonished for covering up
25:30with cherry blocks and boot polish.
25:32They were the first to start the trend
25:34of being Hollywood's blacked up men.
25:36They were the blacked up men.
25:39One time.
25:40Surely you remember.
25:43Too many times.
25:45Look out, it's the blacked up men.
25:50With their strange agendas.
25:53Let's talk about the black and white minstrels.
25:56In the 60s, they were instrumental in singing the hits,
26:00looking like tits, bad wigs, white lips,
26:02hanging with the white chicks.
26:03People laugh with them, taken as given.
26:05A group of sad white men, no black rhythm.
26:07They were TV's holy grail.
26:09But don't forget, they were blacked up men.
26:11They were the blacked up men.
26:15B-U-M.
26:17Surely you remember.
26:19Blacked up men.
26:21Look out, it's the blacked up men.
26:26With their strange agendas.
26:29Now we move on to Alec Guinness.
26:32He saw his reputation diminish.
26:34A passage to India, tale about a myth.
26:36He plays a guru from avarist with mad infections,
26:39coffee complexions.
26:41All of it begs just one simple question.
26:43Why, oh, why, when he was off course,
26:45didn't Obi-Wan Kenobi just use the force?
26:48Who were the blacked up men?
26:53Surely you remember.
26:56Look out, it's the blacked up men.
27:01With their strange agendas.
27:03Got no hang-up with actors who black up
27:07as long as they're good and watch their make-up.
27:09If that's okay and you want to please us,
27:11just let a black guy white up and play Jesus.
27:14The difference between us and them is,
27:16we make this look good.
27:17We'll follow again.
27:28Yay!
27:58Guruji, how many times must the soul be reincarnated before it reaches nirvana?
28:09Ah, my child.
28:11There is no limit to the number of transmigratory cycles through which the soul may pass.
28:16Only when the soul is completely pure can one obtain union with the supreme being.
28:23Yes, Guruji, you're right.
28:25Yes.
28:26Piece of pie, piece of pie!
28:28Goodness gracious me!
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