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00:28Transcription by CastingWords
00:44Transcription by CastingWords
01:04Transcription by CastingWords
01:35Transcription by CastingWords
01:36To be honest with you, Paul, mate, I'm not 100% convinced you're straight anyhow.
01:42So before sticking your head in the oven, try bowling a couple round the other side of the wicket.
01:47Think of that.
01:48I mean, Elton John married a complete munter, and he switched sides, pulled David Furnish.
01:54We're thinking about.
02:04Great work, David.
02:05That was right on the money.
02:06Three more rounds of that, and this fight is in the bag.
02:11Seriously, kid, that was spot on.
02:12Spot on.
02:13Very good.
02:14You want to think about...
02:15No, it's not even worth saying that, because you're doing it anyway.
02:18You was doing it.
02:19You was doing it.
02:23Bit of a long minute, this one, ain't it?
02:27I was trying to fit where I was to tell you.
02:29Yeah.
02:33Sometimes I see fairies.
02:37What?
02:38You know, Tinkerbell-style fellas.
02:40Sitting on the end of me bed.
02:42Dancing, doing cartwheels.
02:45Now, make me these little garlands out of violets and dew.
02:49Be diffused with a scent of cinnamon.
02:51Set it up, round it up.
02:53Right, knock his bloody head off.
02:58Come on, live feed me, people.
03:00Bulls are colour blind.
03:01Right.
03:02Ian Botham played football for Scunthorpe United.
03:04Uh-huh.
03:04Your son, sir.
03:05Cute.
03:05How's mum doing?
03:06Sitting up in bed reading Bella.
03:07Excellent.
03:07Lions can't swim.
03:09Jesus.
03:09Des Lyonum hates his own moustache.
03:11Whitty.
03:11There's no pepper in Dr Pepper.
03:12None.
03:13Bollocks.
03:13Goats can climb trees.
03:14Good.
03:14The Sunday papers are a bit of a waste.
03:16Yes, yes they are.
03:17Well done, Susan.
03:17Your newborn son, sir.
03:18You've already been introduced, Declan.
03:31I'm standing in the Abbey of Vesney,
03:34sheltering from the rain,
03:36much as the pilgrims would have done
03:37who gathered in this building 1,100 years ago.
03:40The reliquary displayed here, which contains the thigh bone of St. Erasmus, represents nothing
03:48less than the first fingers of the morning light of civilisation as they pushed back the
03:55shadows of the dark ages across the plains of Europe.
04:00This humble vessel is the work of just one man, and if we climb a little closer, we can just
04:08make out his signature.
04:17The reliquary contains a simple human bone, for the Catholic, at least, is sacred beyond all comprehension.
04:25It is, of course, absolutely priceless.
04:30Cool, cool, cool.
04:57This is too much, Mammu.
05:02Hey!
05:04You want me to see Mammu?
05:06Huh?
05:08Not that, no?
05:11I hope you don't make it.
05:13Good luck.
05:21This is me.
05:22You want me?
05:23Huh?
05:24Huh?
05:29Huh?
05:31There you go.
05:33You're under.
05:34You're there.
05:40You get him.
05:50Good night.
05:52What is?
05:53Here's Mammu.
05:54Oh.
05:55How am I?
05:57I've always made something a little special.
06:01Excuse me.
06:02Richie.
06:07Oh.
06:09Oh.
06:12Oh.
06:13Don't.
06:13Let's go now.
06:16No.
06:17Oh.
06:20Oh.
06:21Oh.
06:24Oh.
06:27Oh.
06:31I want to do a pun if you put my butt in.
06:39Fucking typical.
06:51Right, Davey, what the bloody hell was that?
06:53You let that talent that's all run back in this fight, you want shooting.
06:57Seriously, go on, Davey, what happened to you in that round?
07:00Is it because what I said before?
07:03That was nothing, that was nothing, it was just words first thing coming to me head.
07:07You need to focus on the job in hand.
07:09I see fairies too.
07:11What?
07:12I always thought I was the only one with small gazers, didn't I, Gov?
07:15With wings and pointy ears and tiny hats.
07:19Bloody hell, where did you see yours?
07:20Behind a shed, next to the compost.
07:22And they showed me all this stuff they got, like silks and quinces and robin's eggs.
07:28Recently they started making their own bicycles out of cobwebs and sprouts.
07:32And they sing songs to me, such beautiful songs like...
07:36The only mole to lark on high.
07:39Attend to our sweet lullaby.
07:44Seconds out, 12th and final round.
07:46Well, just win this stupid fight, will you, son?
07:49Do it for the little fellas.
07:54Good work, chaps.
07:55Five more feet and we should be under the perimeter fence.
07:58Well done, keep going.
08:02Don't mind yourself, blood.
08:03Yeah, man, you've got all soil on his shoes and all this.
08:06Dreadfully sorry, what was I thinking?
08:08They're like well-fresh shoes.
08:10Harry Grant wears these shoes when he's doing all his acting and stuff.
08:13Saying the words and pretending to be things or whatever.
08:16You know my cousin, yeah? The one you know?
08:18The one I've met and shit? Who I know?
08:19Her? Yeah.
08:21She noshed off Cary Grant at the Lido in Ellsfield.
08:24Is it? Is it that she did that?
08:25Yeah, she says. But I reckon it wasn't Cary Grant.
08:27Because he, like, wouldn't be at the Lido in Ellsfield.
08:30He'd be at the Queenstown road baths because it's warmer and they do chips.
08:33For sure.
08:34Look, are you chaps going to lend a hand?
08:36We need to go at least another 14 feet of this escape as I hope in hell of succeeding.
08:40Hear me now. We can't do escaping, is it?
08:43Because I've got all my asthma and shit and he's got issues around worms.
08:45Yes, I've got all issues around the issue of being scared of worms.
08:48Because they're all wriggly and shit and they might go up your bum hole and give you diseases.
08:51That's actually true. We did that in science or biology or RE or maths or something.
08:55And anyway, this tunnel's against health and safety. You could get closed down if an inspector saw this.
09:00For God's sake, there's little enough air in here as it is. Don't light your bloody pipes.
09:03You can't actually tell us what to do, because you're from the army and we're like Air Force.
09:08And we never wanted to escape like this anyway. We voted for the one where you jump over the thing
09:12with the motorbike and all this.
09:14That would have been bear good.
09:17I'm just asking you to do the decent thing. To think of your fellow prisoners and not about yourselves the
09:22entire time.
09:24Yeah, but like I said, you can't tell us what to do.
09:26You said that, weren't you listening? You can't tell us what to do, because it's like workplace bullying.
09:31Like psychological violence, harassment in the workplace. I've got a leaflet about it and everything.
09:36Fine. Fine. Do what you want.
09:38But if we don't escape from here and the Allies end up losing this war and Hitler marches into London,
09:43well, I hope you can both sleep at night.
09:49I had a dream last night where I had a magic hat.
09:52I had a dream last night where I had a magic hat.
09:52Randall!
09:58No.
10:00No, what have you done to her?
10:03What have you done to her?!
10:06It's okay. It's okay. It's just a dream.
10:09It's a nightmare.
10:10Oh, God.
10:12Oh, God, it was awful. I mean, your face. Your face, it was...
10:17Ah!
10:22Shhh, John. It's okay. It's okay. You were just having a bad dream.
10:28Tony, what is it?
10:30Sorry, nothing. Sorry. I've just been stupid.
10:38John?
10:47No.
10:49No!
10:51No!
10:52Hey, it's okay. It's just a bad dream.
10:56Yeah.
10:57What is it, darling?
11:00What are you doing?
11:02John?
11:18You've disturbed us. This is mine. You've disturbed us. You've disturbed us.
11:30And there she is. It's OK. It's just a dream. You're just having a bad dream. Tits. What the hell
11:39are you doing? I'm having a nightmare. Stop it. Pass the phone, you melty-faced bitch. What? What's going on,
11:45John? It doesn't matter, does it? If something awful will happen any second and I'll wake up.
11:50Yeah. Paul, it's John. Yeah, yeah, I do know what time it is. I just wanted to let you know
11:55you're a fat prick and you can stick your job up your arse. I couldn't give a shit. Oh, yeah,
12:00and your wife's a bastard. See you in the morning when I eventually wake up.
12:03What the hell's going on? Oh, you know, just waiting for your flesh to liquefy. How? This isn't a nightmare
12:13any more, is it? John. I've lost my job.
12:18That's my bloody job. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Jesus! Jesus won't help you now.
12:31Oh, thank Christ for that.
12:41Who the devil's pancakes is that, Bill? Your Aunt Hilda, Mr Stafford. Aunt Hilda? Blast it, Bill. Why must I
12:48be continually plagued by these aged bitches? No doubt she's come round here to kowtow me into attending my mother's
12:54funeral or some such poppycock. Get rid of her, would you, Bill?
12:57Well, I'll tell her you're indisposed, Charlie, sir. Well, I was going to suggest you knock her out with chloroform,
13:02weight her down with bricks and then pop her into the canal. But I suppose that might work.
13:06Very good, sir.
13:10Lady Cartwright, I'm afraid your nephew is currently unable to...
13:15You'll understand, Veal, that it was necessary for me to strike you just then. I thought you might be about
13:19to knock me out with chloroform.
13:20A most sensible precaution, Lady Cartwright. Stay where you are, Veal, or I'll cut you. Now, listen to me, Charlie,
13:27you ham-sculled dunderbuttocks. My goddaughter Eustacia wishes to...
13:33Now then, Veal, if it's not too much trouble, I'd like you, please, to escort my aunt up to the
13:37Grand Union. Oh, and on your way back, pick up two girls who do everything.
13:45Ladies and gentlemen, after 12 rounds of championship boxing, we go to the judges' scorecards.
13:57Those scorecards will be with us very shortly.
14:03We'd like to thank you for your support tonight and invite you to show your appreciation for both fighters.
14:12I'm not sure what else I can tell you until we get through.
14:21Sometimes mice speak to me.
14:25They poke their little noses through a hole in the skirting board and bid me good day.
14:30They ask me if I've got the correct time or if I know the way to St Paul's Cathedral.
14:34And they're always immaculately dressed.
14:36There was actually this one mouse who actually had a monocle.
14:40And he...
14:40Davy Collins is the winner!
14:46Oh, hi, Tom. I was wondering if you...
14:47Hey, Fred.
14:48Freddy.
14:49Frederick.
14:49Frederick the Great.
14:51Frederico.
14:52Freddy Fredster.
14:53The Frederator.
14:54The Great Fredini.
14:56Fredalicious.
14:57Ready Freddy go.
14:58Fred's Atomic Dustbin.
14:59Fred Knobs and Broomsticks.
15:01Fred West.
15:02Freddy vs Jason.
15:03Freddy Flintstone.
15:04Freddy Flintoff.
15:05Freddy Mercury.
15:06Fred X.
15:07Today's the day the Freddy best have their picnic.
15:10Yeah, all right.
15:10Now, hold on. I'm fishing in.
15:11Er...
15:11Roger Frederer.
15:13Er...
15:14Fred Zeppelin.
15:15The... the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
15:17Fred and Butter Pudding.
15:18Yeah, all right, mate.
15:19Fred Dwarf!
15:21Er... yeah, that's okay, cool.
15:23I was just wondering if you...
15:24Actually, Fred, I'm in a bit of a rush. Sorry.
15:31Disappeared in a hot air balloon over the Alps.
15:33Never to be seen again.
15:35A man of God and such enthusiasm.
15:38Of course, they ended up eating him.
15:40Caught it in a Turkish bordello.
15:42Of course, he's quite insane now.
15:50I'm horny.
15:51Horny.
15:54Orny.
15:58I'm horny.
16:01Horny.
16:21Right on time
16:22Right on time
16:27You're such a hot, empty shore
16:40Well, it sounds like you've been having a great time
16:43Oh, it's just paradise
16:44It is, it's the perfect honeymoon
16:47Can I get you another complimentary drink?
16:49Yeah, thanks very much
16:50Thank you
16:51Hey, we should introduce Fiona to Jim
16:54Should we? She seems really nice
16:55Oh, come on, Jim's alright
16:57You know, I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with him last night
16:59No, she's quite sensitive
17:01Plus, I think she is single
17:02Here we are
17:04Oh, thank you
17:05Fiona, have you met Jim?
17:08Jim? Jim who?
17:09Jim Tallon, aloha
17:12My ears were burning
17:13Well, that could be
17:14Because I just tried to stick my head in a trouser press
17:17Meant to be a cry for help
17:19But actually, I quite like it
17:20You know, I think it works
17:23Jim, have you met Fiona?
17:24No, she's never had the pleasure
17:26Aloha, Fiona
17:28Jim Tallon
17:29Oh, Fiona Richards
17:32Aloha
17:35Are we going to be seeing your wife this evening?
17:37Not unless you're having the same hallucinations as me
17:39Hey, brumpt
17:42No, Fiona
17:42I came on honeymoon on my own
17:44Because my wife ran off with a DJ at our wedding reception
17:46Yeah, yeah
17:47It was love at first sight, apparently
17:49You know, it's quite romantic when you think about it
17:52Till you think about it
17:55I know what it's like
17:56I, um, I found my life partner cheating with the next door neighbour
18:01Oh dear, Fiona, that is not nice
18:03You know what's kept me going through the tough times are these words
18:07If you're swimming in shit, it's best to keep your chin up
18:10Right
18:12Jim's being very brave, Fiona
18:14Oh, thanks, Phil
18:15He's been my rock, this fella
18:17Mind you, some people say men cheating's inevitable
18:19Yeah, who says that?
18:21Well, you do, don't you, Phil?
18:22What?
18:23Er, not really, no
18:25Yeah, you did last night when we were having that art to art
18:28You know, what was that you said about, um
18:30Men always needing more than one partner
18:32And it's only the, you know, veneer of human morality
18:36That places such importance on fidelity
18:39Did you?
18:40That's not strictly accurate, though
18:42Yeah, yeah, you know
18:42Because you also said, um, that's right
18:45Subconsciously, women actually attach value to a promiscuous mate
18:48And it's only, again, the veneer of human morality
18:52That is one of your phrases
18:53Yeah, that makes men feel shameful
18:55Forcing them to, you know, have affairs and see prostitutes
18:57That's right, isn't it, Phil?
18:58Do you believe that?
19:00Well, no
19:00Jim's taking my words just slightly out of context
19:03Hell yeah
19:03That old chestnut
19:05Hey, don't have a go at him, love
19:06You get enough grief from this one already, don't you, mate?
19:09What have you been saying?
19:11Well, thanks a lot, Phil
19:13Sorry
19:14I'll go and check on her
19:15Hey, you will let me know if I'm getting in the way, won't you, mate?
19:19I don't want to be a gooseby like her
19:21Oh, tyre's gone out
19:23Oi, oi
19:24She won't be needing this then, will she?
19:30Yes, he drank 12 shots of absinthe
19:32Then tried to swim the channel
19:34Hypnotised into believing he was a steam liquid
19:36And very rum of her
19:38All that was left was his top hat and his silk scarf
19:41The rest was just dust
19:59You, sir
20:01I want to take you to a game
20:04I want to take you to a game
20:06I want to take you to a game
20:09I got something to put in you
20:25In you
20:26I got something to put in you
20:34hot meals are important for vitality but eating large amounts can lead to
20:39corpulence and being corpulent can make some everyday tasks difficult even
20:45dangerous but heart attacks are preventable stop yes if you're a little
20:57on the larger side best avoid exercise because fatness and fitness don't
21:13Tom I thought it was you how the hell are you hey Mick Mickey the mixture the
21:20mic Meister slick Mick Micklemas Mick Mac McMichael Mickey Mouse Mickey Spillane
21:27the Michelin man tricky Mickey Mickey Tiki Tavi mix sure and make with papers
21:32junior mixed art Oh Mickey you're so fine used to find you blow my money Mickey
21:37actually Tom it's Nick oh my god how embarrassing I know look very easy to
21:45confuse that's no excuse no so I feel mortified I'm so sorry Nick Nicky the
21:53Nickster the Nick Meister slick Nick Nicklemas Nick Nack Mick Michael
21:59Nicky Mouse Nicky Spillane the Michelin man tricky Nicky Nicky Tiki Tavi
22:05oh Nicky you so fine you so fine you blow my mind hey Nicky oh yeah Tom hey Nicky
22:13yeah it's good to see you Tom yeah yeah great catch up
22:19gentlemen a Red Cross parcel has arrived unit what is that noise no idea blood I
22:26bet you got an ear infection I should go clinic or go GP or go health center or
22:29some shit like that hang on what do you mean no idea they're digging a tunnel you
22:32rent out underneath the hut remember yeah they told us not to tell anyone and
22:36you just have so who's gay now shit there is an escape plant yes yes they
22:47want to go to Switzerland or something it does all skiing and shit and snowboarding
22:49there isn't it for real I went skiing once in the dry slope at Bracknell with a
22:53girl cost me eight bob and she never put out harsh you know I'm saying not
22:59putting out after eight bob that's like stealing why are you not digging also do
23:05I look like I've got special needs well they asked us but we were like yeah
23:09right we really want to be underground in the dark digging out dirt and shit and
23:12shit and shit with a teaspoon they're not even paying minimum wage which is
23:16actually illegal they're putting the soil in their trousers and getting rid of it
23:19outside which is nasty earthen your trousers that's where your balls and
23:22everything is as well skanky bread what is that that's the secret signal we're
23:31supposed to knock back to say the coast is clear or something give the all clear
23:34signal no way you massive gay lord what are you going to do shoot me in the head
23:41with your gun this isn't Nazi Germany yes it actually is Nazi Germany is like
23:50literally exactly where we are give the all-clear signal and I am not a gay lord
24:06you've betrayed us to the enemy you idiots yeah well you've got a slowly
24:10ballsacks you can't talk isn't anything sorry as far as he's concerned with just
24:17two arms buyers looking to acquire some of his finely made Kalashnikovs no reason to
24:21respect otherwise
24:24here he is stay sharp
24:38I thought I'd find you boys here sir what are you doing here at this ridiculous hour don't tell me
24:44working sir we've organized a weapons deal with Nikolai Drago he's going to be here any second which
24:49sounds like a fantastic piece of work Andrew but work which nonetheless can take
24:52place between the hours of nine and five two thirty in the morning Nikolai Drago could wait until
25:00tomorrow it's just the point he can't he's leaving the country tonight here he is quick
25:14damn they must have known it was a setup I should have seen this coming well that's what happens
25:18when you work late Andrew mistakes get made lucky for you I'm your boss now keep your heads down
25:28wow good shots see you in the morning I'll get the croissants
25:42hello hello
25:46right well I don't know if you've heard the news but Henrietta's still pool eh so I'm gonna be working
25:52as your assistant on your next book my name's Zachary I'm from the employment agency I thought
25:58you might blink or something to acknowledge that lovely manners cost nothing do they now before we
26:07get started I have got a teeny confession to make I have got your book I just haven't got
26:12round to reading it looked a bit minimal to be honest you know the idea of you lying there locked
26:17up in your own thoughts no thank you still some people liked it didn't they no accounting for
26:24taste is there
26:29we might as well get started eh now if I've understood this right I basically go through the alphabet and
26:36you blink
26:36at the appropriate letter okay so erm A B C D E V W X Y Z I didn't blink
26:53why didn't you blink oh can't tell me can you erm
26:57why didn't you blink i blink why didn't you blink why didn't you blink why didn't you blink why didn't
27:04you blink write a pen oh right B W X Y
27:16Brilliant.
27:18Why?
27:21Oh, I see.
27:23Yeah, you didn't blink because you weren't ready.
27:26Are you ready now?
27:27You are.
27:29Right.
27:30It's quite tiring, this writing lark, isn't it?
27:33Mind you, better than packing pork pies, which is what I was doing yesterday.
27:36Right then.
27:38Onwards and upwards.
27:39Chapter one.
27:41A.
27:42B.
27:46V.
27:47W.
27:48Oh, OK.
27:59Oh, dear.
28:01That's not much of a first line, is it?
28:04Take that up, start again, eh?
28:09Don't you worry.
28:10I'm going to stay by your side, day after day, until this book is signed, sealed, and delivered.
28:18Now then.
28:19A.
28:21B.
28:22C.
28:47A.
28:49A.
28:50A.
28:51A.
28:52A.
28:52A.
28:53are going nuts honey it was totally my fault really try again yeah go on
29:00and the first one is aaron aaron the aeronator keep your hair on aaron
29:07aaron a g-string erroneous bosh yeah let's go with aaron
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