- 22 hours ago
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FunTranscript
00:01Oh, my God.
00:37Oh, my God.
00:47Oh, Christ.
00:48Stevie.
00:49Who brought you these?
00:56I've never done it before.
00:58Stevie.
00:59Stevie.
00:59I don't want to hear it.
01:00I'm just trying to tell you what happened.
01:06I trusted you, Ellen.
01:07No.
01:10I've ruined it, haven't I?
01:13I've ruined everything.
01:16Yeah.
01:17No, no, no.
01:18I gave it to you.
01:19How can I drive it now?
01:21I was so in love with you, and you betrayed me.
01:24Take them.
01:25Take yours.
01:28Stevie.
01:30Stevie.
01:44Yeah?
01:45Yeah?
01:47Of course.
01:50So what happened after?
01:51Oh, the usual.
01:54I should go.
01:56Um, I should go.
01:57Yes.
01:59Um, bye then.
02:01Bye.
02:07I mean, how did she look?
02:10She looked sort of sad.
02:13Sort of sad?
02:15Hmm.
02:16That's hardly an adequate testament to my talent.
02:18It's how she looked, mate.
02:20You have many gifts, Jack.
02:23Eloquence is not one of them.
02:24Yeah, let's do that.
02:29So where next?
02:31Noel called.
02:32NW3.
02:34This is quite a good one of me, actually.
02:37Shane.
02:38It's not exactly roomy, is it?
02:41Want to sell it?
02:42Yes.
02:42No.
02:43Half of it's mine by rights.
02:44I know someone.
02:45Friend of a friend.
02:46Deals in these sort of cars.
02:47No questions.
02:47I could put you in touch.
02:48Yeah, and I bet you take a cut.
02:49We've all got a hustle, sweetheart.
02:51I like driving it.
02:52It's too visible.
02:53Sell it.
02:54Wait, there she is.
02:58You must be joking.
02:59I'm serious.
03:00I sold her the flat myself.
03:01I'll take it.
03:02What does that prove?
03:04Boys, just look where we are, postal district-wise.
03:08Noel, hairy-arse Gallagher lives up the road.
03:10Or did.
03:12Interior, like a Parisian brothel.
03:14Absolutely beautiful.
03:15And she doesn't have a mortgage.
03:17And she's single.
03:18Very.
03:19I'm a widow.
03:21My...
03:22He died.
03:24Oh, right.
03:25Well, condolences and all that.
03:29I'm sorry.
03:31I can't help.
03:33Would you like to be alone?
03:37Oh, no.
03:38No.
03:39Please don't leave me.
03:43Oh, Harry.
03:46And she eats all the time.
03:48Keeps food in her pockets.
03:50She was eating a kebab when we finalised contracts.
03:53And chilli sauce in her hair.
03:55Complete nutter.
03:57She's obviously a very vulnerable and distressed woman.
04:00I'm not going to let something like psychopathy come between us.
04:03Oh, what a shiny example you are to us all.
04:05Anyway, she's not really a nutter.
04:07Too soft and damp.
04:08All that crying.
04:09How old?
04:11Oh, late 40s.
04:1250s.
04:1460 tops.
04:15She more than fulfils all the criteria.
04:18What do you think, Stevie?
04:20I think we've got a live one.
04:30Two plain rows, please.
04:41What is it?
04:42It's a conversation starter.
04:44It's horrible looking.
04:44It's like an experiment.
04:45A bloke in a pub sold at me for a tenner.
04:48Look, I've got to have a reason for walking round the heath.
04:50Here it is.
04:51It's shit like a bison.
04:53I have never seen anything like it.
04:56What's that on your jeans?
04:58Oh, my God.
04:59That's disgusting.
05:00What is it?
05:02It keeps shagging me leg.
05:05That's dog spunk.
05:07In my flat.
05:08I didn't notice.
05:09You're going to have to take them off.
05:11Put them outside the front door.
05:12Can I wash them?
05:12No, you can't.
05:14Not in my machine.
05:15It wouldn't feel natural.
05:18No visitors.
05:19Good.
05:20Sell this car.
05:22I told you.
05:22I like driving.
05:23You're going to get as caught you are.
05:25Caught at what?
05:27That's the beauty of it, old Jack.
05:29There's nothing to get caught at.
05:31Look, we have a deal.
05:33Anything we get, we split.
05:34This car is income.
05:35Half the money is mine.
05:36Stop editating.
05:38You'll get yours.
05:39You're reneging on our code of conduct.
05:41Reneging.
05:43Did she give you anything else?
05:46Who?
05:46Ella, the last one.
05:47Did she give you anything else apart from this car?
05:51This is a partnership, Jack.
05:53We're two halves of the same brain.
05:55There has to be trust.
06:13Bang on time.
06:17Where have you been?
06:20Taking a dump.
06:21I can still tell you to piss off, you know.
06:23I've got people begging me on their knees for this job, so think on.
06:26I will.
06:27Long and hard.
06:28And the only reading matter allowed is the rotisserie maintenance manual.
06:32Study that.
06:33You might learn something useful.
06:38Hello.
06:40My manager thinks reading should be punished by firing squad.
06:44How are you today?
06:46I'm fine.
06:47Two plain roasts, please.
06:51I did a couple with extra crispy skins, because I noticed you prefer them like that.
06:56I haven't realised that I've become so predictable.
06:58I don't do it for everybody.
06:59I just noticed you.
07:00Here, let me...
07:10I haven't embarrassed you.
07:12Oh, no, no, no.
07:14Right, well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
07:16If I don't get fired for reading poetry at work, that is.
07:18I... I... I shan't be here tomorrow.
07:21See, all my belongings are finally arriving from overseas.
07:24That's why I've been buying all my food ready-made.
07:27Nothing to cook with or eat off.
07:29So you'll be coming in less often, then.
07:31That is a shame.
07:34Contact.
07:34Back, back, back, back, back, back.
07:38Contact.
07:40Yeah, it's here.
07:41No, I haven't.
07:43Well, because if I'd have seen her, I wouldn't be here talking on the phone to you, would I?
07:48Get off me, you crazy bastard!
07:50What's going on, Jack?
07:51You being mugged?
07:52It's the shagging, Doc.
07:53You won't leave me alone.
07:55Jack, focus.
07:56We have objectives.
07:57You, my friend, are really giving me the arse, eh?
08:00You are fired.
08:02Middle bedroom, please.
08:06Right.
08:07You stupid little mutt.
08:08Time to earn your keep.
08:13Whoa!
08:14Can I give you a hand?
08:16No, really, it's...
08:17Oh, please don't say it's all right when I can see that it isn't.
08:19Here, hold on to him for a minute.
08:22I'd, uh, leave him in the van, but he frets if he loses sight of me.
08:25And the seats are already chewed up enough.
08:29It's very kind of you.
08:30Don't mention it.
08:32What?
08:33Hey, you've made a friend there.
08:34He's not usually that easy with new people.
08:36He's nice.
08:38There you go.
08:40It's a good job your clothes are all in bags.
08:43Are you sure he can manage all this?
08:46You all right?
08:48Please don't be kind to me.
08:50Please.
08:51I don't think I can bear it.
08:54Look back.
08:55Look back.
08:56Look back.
08:56Come on.
08:56Look back.
09:00Contact.
09:08Excuse me.
09:10Is anyone sitting there?
09:11Hi.
09:12Hi.
09:13Do you remember me?
09:14I used to work at the supermarket.
09:17Oh.
09:18You read poetry?
09:19Yeah, yeah.
09:20John Donne.
09:20I wonder where you were.
09:22Fired.
09:23For reading when I should have been working.
09:25Oh, no.
09:25I don't mind.
09:27Would you like to sit down?
09:28I think all the other tables are taken.
09:30I'm Stevie, by the way.
09:31You know, you're the first person that hasn't laughed at me.
09:34Why would anybody laugh?
09:37Why would anybody laugh?
09:38Poetry is a vocation.
09:40It's just quite a noisy place to try and work, though, isn't it?
09:43But it's warmer than my bed set.
09:45But it's warmer than my bed set.
09:46What are your poems about?
09:48Love.
09:49What other subject is there?
09:52I knew you were a creative person when I saw you reading the book.
09:56I wish I was artistic.
09:58It's such a gift to be able to move people and change their lives.
10:02When I was young, I used to do about meeting Shelley and Byron.
10:05And here I am, having a copy with the real, live love poet.
10:10Listen to me going on.
10:12You must think I'm really boring.
10:15No.
10:16I'd love to hear you talk.
10:22Perhaps I could read your poems.
10:30I'd like that.
10:36Shit.
10:37Why did I say it was a sequence of erotic sonnets?
10:39Why didn't I just say it was a limerick?
10:41It's working, isn't it?
10:43Yeah, it's working.
10:45She bought me dinner.
10:46She told me she admires my gifts.
10:47She says I can write in one of her spare rooms.
10:50Now she wants to read it.
10:52Bollocks.
10:53Well, mine's a blank.
10:54I bet your wife will get in there before you.
10:56No.
10:56Why not?
10:57Why do I always have to be the one who gets caught?
11:00Because that's the way we do it, Jack.
11:02That's the way we always do it.
11:03It's always me standing there with me dick out for inspection.
11:06Why shouldn't you take a turn?
11:08No.
11:09No, never look at your dick.
11:10It's affecting my performance.
11:12I can't relax.
11:13Even when I'm shagging for fun.
11:15I keep thinking you're going to burst through the door with your fizzy wine and your flowers.
11:19You never told me you heard other women.
11:21Well, you have things that you don't tell me, don't you?
11:23No.
11:25And don't you ever watch me when I'm working.
11:27Why not?
11:28You got something to hide?
11:29Please, I'm begging you.
11:30Shut up.
11:31I will find out if you're hiding something from me.
11:41So, if you've got any little secrets, there's nothing to find.
11:45There's nothing to hide.
11:47OK?
11:50What rhymes with nipple?
11:52Raspberry ripple!
11:54You're no help.
11:55My wife left me.
11:57I ran off with me best mate.
11:58I came home one evening, all the stuff had gone.
12:00I thought we were really happy.
12:03Note on the table.
12:06Why do we ever bother living?
12:09It always ends up in grief and loss and betrayal.
12:12At least I've still got the dog.
12:15What's his name?
12:17Roger.
12:20I'm sorry for getting a bit emotional then.
12:23Don't apologise.
12:24Next time it'll be me.
12:27I've seen your van.
12:28It says carpenter and joiner.
12:30And painter and decorator.
12:32I used to have a good little business.
12:33I need some shelves and some cupboards putting up.
12:37If you had time...
12:38It'd probably do me good.
12:42Here.
12:44I knew I had an old one somewhere.
12:46Call me.
12:49I will.
12:50And thank you, Jack.
12:53Wait.
12:54I don't even know your name.
12:56Alison.
12:58Bye, Alison.
13:05Don't even think about it.
13:07Like raspberry ripple.
13:09Running down your fingers.
13:14You lick them dry.
13:17I melt under your tongue.
13:24Is that the end?
13:26Yes.
13:28Don't you like it?
13:30Well, no, I do.
13:33I wrote it for you.
13:38Alison.
13:40I've fallen in love with you.
13:43I'm crazy about you.
13:45But I'm...
13:47But I'm...
13:48I'm...
13:48I'm 48.
13:49And I'm overweight.
13:51I'm overweight.
13:52Feel that.
13:55That's what you do to me.
13:59No.
14:00I can't.
14:02Or we should carry on just being friends.
14:12You really expect me to be able to sit in the same room with you when I feel like this.
14:17I can't.
14:18I can't stay.
14:19This is killing me.
14:19I must leave.
14:20Oh, Stevie, wait.
14:21Wait.
14:23I don't want you to go.
14:27It's just that I can't believe that someone like you could look at me like that.
14:35I didn't dare to hope.
14:47So, er, can your van be fixed?
14:50No.
14:51It's been held together with grease and string for ages.
14:54The garage just laughed at me.
14:56But what about your business?
14:57What about it?
14:59Look on the bright side.
15:00At least it means I'll get more exercise.
15:03I'll, er, let you get on.
15:06I'm making us some lunch.
15:07Oh, you don't have to.
15:08Oh, no.
15:09I want to.
15:11We still haven't talked about what I should be paying you.
15:13I don't want to take your money, Alison.
15:15Oh, but I...
15:15No, no, no.
15:17I'd prefer to think I'm doing a favour for a friend.
15:20Oh, thank you.
15:21It's only a few shelves and a rail.
15:23No.
15:25For calling me your friend.
15:27I can't tell you what it means.
15:41I wish you'd bloody knock.
15:43Now you know how I feel to have your dick scrutinised.
15:45I'll never look at your dick.
15:47So?
15:48She likes me.
15:49She wants to nurture me.
15:50She even bought me a nice lolly for the way home.
15:53She buys Roger little treats.
15:54Roger?
15:54The dog.
15:56I feel like I'm about to seduce me mum.
15:59Well, correction, I feel like I'm about to seduce your mum.
16:04What's the matter with you?
16:07I'm tired.
16:08For a chubster, she really knows some moves.
16:11And energy and stamina.
16:13She doesn't look the sort.
16:14You must be losing your touch.
16:17I'm not losing my touch, mate.
16:25What are you looking at me like that for?
16:26You sold the car, yet?
16:30That's a knoll then, is it, Pee-wee?
16:35Jack?
16:36Jack!
16:38I'm just popping out for a while.
16:39I shouldn't be too long.
16:41OK.
17:15Who rattled your bloody cage?
17:17I'll see you next week.
17:21I'll see you next week.
17:22Y橘, next week.
17:23.
18:07Apparently, some of them are worth quite a lot.
18:11But I wouldn't know that.
18:13They're just things to dust.
18:16I'm a bit of a philistine.
18:18Some of them look really old.
18:20Yes, but right now, I'm more interested in new things.
18:26From me to you, it's yours.
18:29But I can't accept that.
18:31Oh, that's too much.
18:32I'll never be able to pay you back.
18:33It's a gift, and you should never reject a gift.
18:36It's not...
18:37It's a flight navigation so you never get lost.
18:39A mini-dismon.
18:40A little bit windows.
18:42A little bit mirrors.
18:51A mini-dismon.
19:14what's the matter something so weird just happened what i can't explain but from a second that you
19:22look really fucking old that was horrible look at my hands they're shaking i knew this would happen
19:30oh no i must be seeing things it's the heat in this place oh i feel sick yeah my head's
19:38spinning
19:38compared to you hold down ugly no no no no no no no not a couple of years i'm talking
19:45like a couple
19:45of centuries that's tomb of the fucking mummy here stop watching me
20:06look at that lovely lovely leg don't you want to hump it hey
20:17i lied about my age i'm not 48 i'm 49
20:27i didn't mean to make you cry it's my fault
20:32i didn't tell you in case it frightened you off
20:44nothing about you could frighten me off
20:48she's given me a set of keys so i can write more fucking sonnets in peace and quiet
20:56i can get in let's do it the timing's wrong
21:00i'm tired i need a break she's not ready well that's up to you isn't it maybe you're losing
21:05your touch hey i'm at the height of my powers right now mate i'm not the one sitting around
21:10with the face like a smacked house i'll trade the van yeah i'll trade the van we'll go away for
21:16a bit
21:17landon's getting too small we haven't even scratched the surface yet she doesn't know what she's got in
21:21that flat she thinks it's just things to dust i mean the paintings the fabliche egg do you know what
21:28they're worth okay i'll sell the car i want that egg i'm not leaving without that egg she's got
21:37we have a fight room to room in the confusion i grab the egg and escape you give chase then
21:45come
21:45back and do your naff breakdown bit know what you know your naff broken-hearted oh how could you do
21:51this to me i loved you you know all that shit it's not naff jack come on it is it
21:56really is it's
21:57it's comical i mean it really makes me laugh i mean no offense mate but you are a right old
22:03ham
22:04thanks for the input right shall we practice
22:11so you catch me sunk to the nuts in the divine allison lots of shock lots of surprise i jump
22:18out
22:18of bed and i hit your staff sorry jack i just wanted it to look authentic
22:28you can't stand by and let men treat women like that it's just not right
22:34i don't care how big they are
22:38it didn't half hurt though i'd hate it if anything bad happened to you
22:47so
23:12Who the fuck?
23:14Stevie, is that you?
23:16Yeah.
23:18Hi.
23:19This is a nice surprise.
23:21I wasn't expecting you.
23:23Well, you know, I just thought it was spontaneous.
23:29Anything wrong?
23:31No.
23:35Well, you seem a little edgy.
23:38No, I'm fine.
23:39I'm fine.
23:41You look as if you're expecting to find someone.
23:44I heard voices.
23:48Voices?
23:49What sort of voices?
23:51Well, I don't know. Voices.
23:52Stevie, I'm getting a bit concerned about you.
23:55First of all, you're seeing things.
23:57Now you're hearing things.
24:01I've got to go.
24:02Well, you can't go now.
24:05Besides, you haven't given me those yet.
24:09Here you are.
24:18Come on, we can drink the champagne.
24:24Yeah, it's just a flying visit actually.
24:26I've got a dash.
24:32Where'd you get the dog?
24:33Oh, you sort of adopted me.
24:36Well, you know what animals are like.
24:38They make a decision about who they're going to live with.
24:40Why didn't you open the champagne?
24:43I've got to go, actually, to work.
24:47Surely Bertrie can do without you for a day.
24:50Oh, no, no, no. I've given that out.
24:53It's no great loss.
24:55Sorry?
24:58Don't look like that, Stevie.
25:00I still love you.
25:07That's your cue to say you love me too.
25:10You know I love you.
25:11I've just, I've got a dash.
25:14Oh.
25:15I see you're admiring my Fabergé egg.
25:18People always notice it.
25:20I always thought it a bit tacky and ostentatious.
25:24But it was a gift.
25:26And you should never reject a gift.
25:29It was given to you.
25:31Czar Peter.
25:33So desperate to impress.
25:35Czar who?
25:36All of these old things were quite new
25:38and they were given to me.
25:41Like I said.
25:42I'm a Philistine.
25:44Anyway, they were all presents.
25:46This is my favourite.
25:51Given to me by the Byzantine Empress Theodosia.
25:58Notorious for her orgies.
26:00I was one of her favourites.
26:04I was one of her favourites.
26:05Absolutely priceless, but...
26:07I keep it for the memories.
26:13Stevie.
26:15Your face.
26:17I was just teasing you.
26:20If what I said about all this stuff was true,
26:24I'd have to be over...
26:262,000 years old.
26:29Yeah.
26:29And I'm not.
26:31I'm 49.
26:35I really have to go now.
26:37For where?
26:39I'm a meeting friend.
26:43You and your little friend.
26:44You and your little friend.
26:45So amusing.
26:46So sweet.
26:47I've really enjoyed myself.
26:50I don't understand what you're talking about.
26:54This little friend, of course.
26:59Who else did you think I was talking about?
27:03I'm going to be late.
27:05He won't mind.
27:15I can feel your heart beat.
27:21You're here now.
27:23Stay just a bit longer.
27:25I can feel your heart beat.
27:36Isn't that yummy?
27:37You'll get a real taste for that.
27:39Come on.
27:41Walkies.
27:58Walkies.
28:00Walkies.
28:10Walkies.
28:11All time.
28:18Look what's up.
28:18Beachwalking.
28:20Aa�aahhhhhh.
28:25게...аться
28:25Major... Landeteer.
28:25In that moment.
28:25And I cannot stay
28:28You'll understand when you come my way
28:35Cause all of my demons have withered away
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