- 3 months ago
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00:31Morning, Mr. Brittus.
00:32Morning, Colin.
00:33If you're wondering what's in the boxes, it's the doves.
00:36They're all white doves this time, are they?
00:38Every one of them, white as the driven snow.
00:41Right, it says we had a couple of brown ones at rehearsal yesterday.
00:44Yes, they kept tagging on, so I rung their necks.
00:48Yes, these are the real thing.
00:49Doves of peace and very experienced.
00:51They did live aid at Wembley.
00:53Good.
00:54One other thing, Mr. Brittus.
00:55What is it, Colin?
00:56I was wondering if you'd care to inspect the eternal flame.
00:58Not right now, thank you, Colin.
01:00Technical question, then.
01:02When the eternal flame is lit at the ceremony, how eternal do you want it?
01:08Colin, we've been through this before.
01:10Whitbreed World Peace and Hunger Week goes on till Friday.
01:13The flame burns till Friday.
01:15Wilco!
01:17Eternal till Friday it is, then.
01:21Ben, Mummy knows best.
01:22I've told you, you can run to the back of the cupboard as fast as you like.
01:25It's not going to fly.
01:28Morning, Carol.
01:28Welcome to a new town little wood.
01:31How can I help you, Miss Bruce?
01:32All ready for the big day, Carol?
01:34We are, of course, relying on you for the smooth running of this important day, Carol.
01:38So I want your announcements on time, all right?
01:40Yes, Miss Bruce.
01:41This is an alarm clock.
01:43Point taken.
01:43Yes, Miss Bruce.
01:44Just one thing.
01:46Today is for children, isn't it, Miss Bruce?
01:48That's right, Carol, yes.
01:50It's a day for the children of Whitbreed to come together for world peace and have some fun as well.
01:55Why haven't Ben and the twins been invited, Miss Bruce?
01:58I think you know why, Carol.
01:59If I make them promise not to bite anyone, Miss Bruce.
02:02Carol...
02:03If I can confiscate Ben's knife.
02:06Carol, I do not want another situation where the coaches turn up and the children are too frightened to de
02:11-bus.
02:12Do you?
02:13No.
02:13Oh, just one thing.
02:14There's a message.
02:15It says, if you want to have any more babies, you'll have to have them with somebody else.
02:19It's from Mrs. Britters.
02:22Are you sure about the wording, Carol?
02:23Yes, Miss Bruce.
02:24That's strange.
02:25Mrs. Britters was in perfectly good spirits when I left the house this morning.
02:28She was eating burnt toast and laughing.
02:32More accuracy, please, Carol.
02:34And you're late for the first announcement.
02:35Yes.
02:37Hello.
02:38There's going to be a staff meeting in ten...
02:40No, sort of eight minutes.
02:41Well, sort of seven, eight minutes.
02:43Sorry.
02:43Sorry.
02:44Bye.
02:44Bye.
02:45So, the high point of this very important day will be 1,400 hours when representatives from
02:51the youth organisations of Whitbreed will link arms symbolically around the leisure centre
02:58in support of Whitbreed World Peace and Hunger Week.
03:02I've got a problem with that, Mr. Britters.
03:03How do you, Tim?
03:04Oh, yes.
03:05World Peace and Hunger.
03:07We're supporting peace and hunger, are we?
03:09What?
03:10So, we're on the side of both, yeah?
03:12Naturally.
03:13No, you don't understand.
03:13Oh, I see what he means, Mr. Britters.
03:15It should be peace and plenty and we're for it, or...
03:18Or war and hunger and we're against it.
03:20You can't be both.
03:21It is, Mr. Britters.
03:22Look, we've had 5,000 leaflets printed, plus Colin's banner on the roof.
03:27They all say peace and hunger.
03:28That's the way it's staying, all right?
03:30Now, the children linking arms symbolically around the centre will go boy, girl, boy, girl,
03:36No, they won't.
03:37What?
03:37I had a phone call first thing.
03:39The cubs won't touch the brownies.
03:41Julie, what are you verban about?
03:43They're children, they do what they're told.
03:45Well, that's the thing they've been told not to, by the Scoutmaster.
03:48Now, he runs the bread shop right and he caught some of the brownies stealing his ice bath.
03:52All right, all right, let's not have a discussion round the toadstall, please.
03:58Now, what happens next?
03:59Anyone?
04:00I arrive with the Olympic torch, Mr. Britters.
04:03Exactly.
04:04With a television crew in attendance, the Olympic torch comes back from the town hall,
04:10held aloft symbolically by Linda.
04:12Linda, the Olympic torch then lights the eternal flame,
04:15which represents the fire of human endeavour burning forever.
04:20It's gone out.
04:23What has, Colin?
04:25The flame, Mr. Britters, the eternal flame.
04:27It's not supposed to be a light yet.
04:29I was rehearsing it.
04:30Later, Colin, sit down, please.
04:31Yes, but if it's meant to be eternal, Mr. Britters.
04:33Sit down, please, Colin.
04:35Yes, Mr. Britters.
04:36Right, now, once the eternal flame is lit...
04:38...with a much bigger nozzle, possibly.
04:41Possibly, Colin, yes.
04:43I shall release the doves and then say a few words for the cameras.
04:49We will then hold hands silently for as long as seems appropriate.
04:54Right, Gabby, let's hear about some of the exciting events leading up to 1400 hours.
04:58Yes, Mr. Britters.
05:00Well, the sponsored swim is due to start in ten minutes' time in the children's pool.
05:05Carol will be making regular announcements,
05:07so we can all move smoothly between the charity swim-a-thon,
05:11the squash-a-thon, the trampoline-a-thon and the badminton.
05:15Thon.
05:16Thon, thon.
05:17Ha-ha-ha-ha.
05:18Right.
05:19Julie, can't it wait?
05:21No.
05:21I was just wondering what a trampoline-a-thon has got to do with world peace.
05:26Gabby, put a right.
05:28Well, um, on the face of it, nothing much.
05:32Exactly.
05:32Nothing at all to the unimaginative, Julie.
05:36But you know, and I know,
05:38that without the money raised by the sponsored trampoline-a-thon,
05:41we won't be able to afford the postage on our old vaulting horses,
05:44which we're sending to Zoyer.
05:46You've given out all guys a solarium-thon and a saun-a-thon.
05:50I can't.
05:51Beyond your powers, is it, Mrs Bidmoody?
05:54If you stay in a sauna too long, you pass out,
05:57and if you stay in a solarium too long, you cook.
06:04Cook, cook.
06:05Now, cooking reminds me, let's not forget the hunger lunch.
06:07Oh, yes, that's Tim and Linda to start buttering the bread.
06:10Right, so, let's go, please.
06:12What, all that lot?
06:14Are you against world hunger, Tim?
06:16Well, of course I am.
06:17Well, get butter in, then.
06:20PHONE RINGS
06:21Hello.
06:22All staff allocated to areas A, B, G, H and N.
06:25Would they please go to their starting positions, please?
06:28I think it would stake a real blow for peace.
06:30With the best will in the world, Colin,
06:32I don't think hanging warmongers from a gibbet on the roof.
06:34In effigy, Mr. Britton,
06:36that's hanging warmongers in effigy.
06:38And they'd all be wearing masks.
06:40Adolf Hitler, Attila the Hun.
06:41It's still hanging, Colin.
06:43And there's going to be some young children watching.
06:45We could burn them, then.
06:47Get a small look at that on Guy Fawkes.
06:49No.
06:50Oh, Ben, please stop pulling.
06:52Mummy's doing her best.
06:53And when you pull, it squalls everything.
06:55Now, please, Ben, please.
06:56Well, welcome to Ippie Newtown Leisure Centre.
06:58How may I help you, Miss Grace?
06:59You can't, Carol.
07:01I'm sorry.
07:01Is it something deeply personal?
07:03No.
07:04It's my life.
07:06What is, Miss Britt?
07:07This tangle.
07:09Well, it's all my fault.
07:11No, no, it's Ben's.
07:12It's kite string.
07:13You know what it's like.
07:13You get one little bit of kite...
07:14Do you think this would take my weight?
07:15Sorry.
07:17You're going to be somewhere in your sauna place
07:18or a good start.
07:19Oh, God, I'm going to get this string over.
07:21What, Mrs. Bigmead?
07:23Hang on a minute.
07:25Oh, Ben, darling, look how marvellous.
07:29So, you'll be standing here, Mr. Brittas,
07:31giving you a speech.
07:32Right.
07:33The children will be there.
07:34Well back.
07:35Exactly.
07:36And when Linda comes in to light the eternal flame,
07:39and as she leans forward with her torch,
07:41you just slide your hand down.
07:44Slide my hand down where, Collie?
07:46Down your hand.
07:47Go on, slide it, Mr. Brittas.
07:49And as she leans in with her torch,
07:52you just press the switch and...
07:56Why'd it do that?
07:57I've installed a discreet pilot light in the bowl, Mr. Brittas.
08:01In case the torch goes out on the way over,
08:02there might be a shower of rain, a child spitting.
08:05I try to think of everything.
08:06Can I go now, Collie?
08:07It's not quite as simple as that, Mr. Brittas.
08:09It's the night time I'm worried about,
08:11what with the nuisance and that.
08:14What are you talking about, Collie?
08:16It's the local lads, Mr. Brittas,
08:17on the way home from the wheat sheath.
08:19They seem to be drawn by the bowl to commit a nuisance.
08:22I certainly found traces of nuisance this morning.
08:25What do you want me for?
08:26Well, I was hoping, with your permission,
08:28to increase the nozzle size.
08:29Now, it'll cost a little bit more in gas.
08:31Just do it, Colleen.
08:33Good, because I think the increased heat
08:35will act as a deterrent
08:36and force the lads to keep back out of range.
08:40If you'll just excuse me, Colleen.
08:41I've got people to see, things to...
08:44What's this doing here?
08:45That's the power line for the sound system, Mr. Brittas.
08:48The plastics for the doves, in case they fly into it.
08:50Good thinking, eh, Mr. Brittas?
08:52Colleen, Colleen, Colleen.
08:54I've missed something, haven't I?
08:56We're having a children's party, aren't we?
08:58Yes, Mr. Brittas.
08:58What do we have at children's parties, Colleen?
09:00Ice cream, jellies, crisps, being sick.
09:03No, Colleen.
09:04Clowns on stilts, doing juggling.
09:06Ten feet high, not looking where they're going.
09:09Put it higher, Colleen.
09:10Yes, Mr. Brittas.
09:11We cannot have a strangulated stilt walker.
09:13How's that going to look on an insurance phone?
09:15Do it.
09:18There it was, in black and white.
09:21Dear madam, your twins are ugly.
09:25Come along, the ladies didn't say that, Angie, no.
09:27They failed the audition, didn't they?
09:29It was only to be in some silly nappy commercial.
09:32It's all my fault.
09:34But my bottom's always been too big.
09:37And my bottom's big after mine.
09:41Stop blaming yourself, Mrs. Brittas.
09:44Blame the advertising agency.
09:46Blame United and Athletes.
09:47They can reject my children and there's nothing I can do about it.
09:51Well, at least you're starting to blame the right people.
09:53Right now, the chairman.
09:54Still, what good would that do?
09:56Well, it might make you feel better.
09:58All right, I will.
10:00They'll tell him his children are ugly
10:02and his wife's got a big bottom
10:03and I've never liked his nappies anyway.
10:05Well, don't make it too rude.
10:06Or his secretary will just tear it up and he'll never see it.
10:09Oh, we'll see it.
10:11All right, VED clinic.
10:13Personal and private on the front.
10:16All this, like, is a hunger lunch.
10:18Obesity lunch, more like.
10:19They won't put that flame out now.
10:23What's that?
10:24I've increased the size of the nozzle
10:26and I'm going to put a warning notice up in the week, Chief.
10:29That's the effigy of a warmonger, Tim.
10:31But Mr. Brittus won't allow it.
10:33Has she got something against Adam, you say?
10:36Can I give you a hand?
10:37What have you been doing in those gloves?
10:39Just running a little toilet duck around the Olympic ball, Tim.
10:43Well, go and wash your hands and then you can stand and watch.
10:47Just a bit more. Come on.
10:49Come on, keep going, keep going.
10:50Nearly there.
10:5259.
10:53Well done, Kevin.
10:55How's it going, Gavin?
10:56Great.
10:57Well, Kevin there's just done 59
10:58and the little one over there is on her 83rd
11:01and Monica, she's on her 133rd.
11:06She's wading.
11:07You see that, Gavin?
11:09That child's feet are on the bottom.
11:10Oi, you, stop that.
11:11She can't swim, Mr. Brittus.
11:13Well, what's she doing in a swim-a-thon, then?
11:15Stop that.
11:15She wanted to join in.
11:16It's for charity, so she's wading.
11:18Well, she can wait till we have a wade-a-thon.
11:21And he didn't touch the end.
11:23No?
11:23Oh, well, it's the spirit of the thing, isn't it, Mr. Brittus?
11:26It is not the spirit of the thing, Gavin.
11:28People have paid good money for a job to be done,
11:30a length to be swung.
11:32Whistle.
11:36Whistle.
11:39Right, everyone out of the pool, please, immediately.
11:43And with the parents of the children who've been cheating,
11:46come over here now, please.
11:48We're going to have to start the whole thing again.
11:55Oh, hell, these ones are buttered on both sides,
12:00and I wonder we're not getting anywhere.
12:02Is that time of the month again?
12:03Here we go, new to fresh deductions.
12:06This is a bit fat.
12:07Oh, yeah, you've got a leaflet on foot hygiene
12:09and the thing about windscreen replacements.
12:12And next month, you get an innovations magazine.
12:15What's this 10%?
12:17He's taken 10% from my basic.
12:19Charity deduction means...
12:20What does that mean?
12:21It's for Mr. Brittus' campaign to send our old rowing machines
12:24to perhaps the canaries of the third world.
12:25Yes, but he can't just axe 10% without even asking.
12:28Oh, we all agreed.
12:29Yeah, I think it was a most imaginative idea, Tim.
12:31I'm surprised he can't recall it.
12:32Oh, he wasn't there.
12:34Where, wasn't I?
12:34Oh, when we had the meeting, you were out buying those leather trousers.
12:38No other time would do, for some reason.
12:39I had to lie and say you had the flu.
12:41But what did you all agree for?
12:42I mean, it's 10%.
12:43It's only for one week, Tim.
12:45Yours hill tribesmen are in desperate need, Tim.
12:48Evidently, the nearest wall bars are in Johannesburg.
12:50You never told me.
12:51I didn't want to spoil the fun you were having with your new trousers.
12:53Yes, but 10%!
12:55It's only 19 pounds, Tim.
12:57What's 19 pounds?
12:59Do you mean to say you get paid £190 a week?
13:02Yes.
13:03Don't you?
13:03No, I don't.
13:05You...
13:06I get paid less than you do.
13:08Do you realise that Linda gets paid more than the rest of us?
13:13You all get paid more than me, don't you?
13:15I wouldn't read too much into that if I were you, Tim.
13:17In my experience, often the least paid are the most highly valued.
13:20I can't believe this.
13:22I get paid less than the rest of you,
13:24and you agree behind my back to give half of my wages away.
13:27Tim, look on the bright side, Tim.
13:28Because we earn more, our 10% is more than yours is.
13:31Exactly.
13:32And I'm not going to put up with it anymore.
13:34I'm going to go out there,
13:35I'm going to make him give me the extra money,
13:36or I'm going to beat his head in.
13:37I don't think that's entirely appropriate, Tim.
13:40Not in Whitbury World Peace.
13:41Get out of my way, Colin.
13:42Don't be silly, Tim.
13:43Oh, silly.
13:44I'm silly, that's what I am, am I?
13:46Well, I'll show you all who's silly.
13:48Keep one step towards me, Tim,
13:50and I swallow this key.
13:51OK, if that's the way you want it.
13:54What are you doing, Tim?
13:56We're all going to sit here
13:58and wait for Mr. Brittus to come.
14:08Hello, staff.
14:09The bad-a-thon has been cancelled due to lack of support.
14:12Could everyone please go to the car park
14:13for the Bouncier Castle-a-thon?
14:14Are you sure you wouldn't like that outside?
14:16Please, Mrs. Bitmeat, don't mention O-U-T.
14:20Ben's happy.
14:21If he thinks he's got to go O-U-T,
14:22he'll put his head down his sleeping bag for weeks.
14:25Hello.
14:26Mrs. Brittus.
14:27Oh, I feel wonderful.
14:28Mrs. Brittus, I thought you were a bit down in the mouth,
14:31but suddenly you're all up in the mouth.
14:32I feel as if a whole weight had been lifted from it in black and white.
14:36That's how everything seemed this morning,
14:38but now birds are singing, kites are flying.
14:41What's that kite doing up there?
14:43It's Ben's.
14:44What have you been up to?
14:45You were meant to write a letter.
14:46I know I was, but then I had a much better idea
14:48and I got such a buzz out of doing it.
14:51Doing what?
14:51Now I know how terrorists feel.
14:53What have you done, Mrs. Brittus?
14:55Come on, Tim, open the door.
14:57It's not going to make any difference.
14:58Nobody's going anywhere.
14:59We're waiting for Brittus.
15:00You've got to let us go, Tim.
15:01There are hundreds of people out there depending on us.
15:03No, there aren't.
15:04There'll be about 20.
15:05Most of those are only here because they think it's a car boot sale.
15:07Oh, look, Tim.
15:09Come on.
15:09Hit me, Linda.
15:10What?
15:11Hit me as hard as you can with this.
15:14Go on.
15:15Are you sure, Colin?
15:16Yes.
15:17And in the ensuing confusion, I'll get to the telephone.
15:20Go on.
15:22Hit me.
15:24You poisoned them?
15:25Yes.
15:26United Nappas make everything.
15:27Soap powder, margarine, black currant juice.
15:30You're just poisoning the black currant juice.
15:31It's not poison, Carol.
15:32Just a bit of laxative.
15:34How many bottles did you do?
15:35Oh, lots.
15:36Mr. Syed's corner shop had loads stacked up round the back.
15:39Mrs. Brittus, you've got to go straight back and tell me.
15:41No, no.
15:41I'm going to let the newspapers do that.
15:43You wait.
15:44It'll be splashed across the headlines.
15:46Then see what happens to United Nappas shares.
15:49We'll see whose twins are ugly then.
15:51Oh, Mrs. Brittus, laxative in the black currant juice.
15:54Just think about the children.
15:55And the corner shop.
15:56What happens to Mr. Syed and his reputation?
15:59Oh, dear.
15:59I never thought of that.
16:00He was so nice when I bought all the laxative.
16:04He said he hoped I'd feel better soon.
16:06Not to operate heavy machinery.
16:08You have got to go straight back and tell him what you've done before he put the bottles in the
16:13shop.
16:13Why am I such a fool?
16:16I'm always getting things wrong.
16:17Well, do something right.
16:20But she thought that one length was 50 metres.
16:24So it is in the big pool.
16:26Well, she thought he'd only managed to swim one length.
16:29She didn't know you were going to be doing it in the little pool.
16:31She put down a pound of length and signed it.
16:34But it's only five metres long.
16:36He's swum 126 lengths already.
16:39127?
16:40Well, she hasn't got 127 pounds.
16:43She hasn't got 127 pounds in the world.
16:45I hear what you're saying, Mrs. Norman.
16:48If only it were in my power.
16:51But unfortunately, once signed, this sponsorship form becomes a legal document.
16:55Well, she can't, though.
16:57Yeah, in a court of law, she may be compelled to.
16:59The World Peace Campaign may be obliged to disdrain upon her goods.
17:03I hope it doesn't come to a prison sentence.
17:07Mr. British is so awful, I've had Colin on the phone.
17:10Stop right there, please, Carol.
17:12Shoes off.
17:15Now, what do you wish to say to me, Carol?
17:18He said he couldn't talk very loudly because he was afraid of reprisals.
17:21He said he was being held in the staff room against his will.
17:23Who is this, Carol?
17:25Colin!
17:25Colin?
17:26What's he doing in the staff room?
17:27He's supposed to be down at the face painting doing whiskers.
17:30I don't know.
17:30He was cut off before he could finish.
17:32It sounded like something blunt.
17:33But he said he was being held hostage, and would I let you know?
17:37Hostage?
17:37Three of them.
17:39Patrick, yellow alert, please.
17:42Set up a command post down by the playpen and evacuate the building.
17:45Now, watch that senior citizen.
17:47She owes us money.
17:49Carol, follow me.
17:51Why did you have to hit him?
17:53He was going for the phone.
17:54But I'd already hit him.
17:55It's all right.
17:56I can take it.
17:58I got through to Mr. British, and he'll know what to do.
18:05Give the coded message, Carol.
18:06Yes, Mr. British.
18:07What is it, Mr. British?
18:07Yellow alert.
18:08Hostiles within the perimeter.
18:10Yes.
18:10And get that kite down.
18:11Yes.
18:12Hello.
18:13Staff message.
18:14Yellow alert.
18:14Yellow alert.
18:15Have a nice day.
18:17Carol.
18:17Yes.
18:18Hangbag.
18:19What?
18:20Hangbag.
18:21What are you going to do, Mr. British?
18:23I'm going to do two things, Carol.
18:25I'm going to keep calm and I'm going to gain their confidence.
18:28It's what we were taught.
18:29Have you been trained, Mr. British?
18:32Two residential weekends and a lunchtime refresher.
18:38I'm going to look through the keyhole.
18:46It's Saddam Hussein.
18:49Saddam Hussein?
18:50I only got a brief glimpse, Carol, but I recognise that face anywhere.
18:56Saddam Hussein here.
18:57Well, he should be.
18:59He hasn't got a ticket.
19:00He's going to get past me, Mr. British.
19:02Don't blame yourself, Carol, but I will need backup.
19:05Get the police, the paramedics.
19:09Get the SAS.
19:12Hello?
19:14Hello?
19:15My name is Gordon British.
19:17You can call me Gordon.
19:19I wish to speak with your leader, please.
19:22It's me, Gordon.
19:24Tim.
19:25Oh, Tim.
19:26Good lad.
19:26How many off the bar there?
19:28How do you mean?
19:29Two, three.
19:31There's three of them and they all get more money than I do.
19:34Try not to talk nonsense, Tim.
19:36Look, just keep calm.
19:37We're going to get you out of there.
19:38No, you won't get me out of here.
19:40Not until you pay me the same as Linda.
19:41I do just as much work as she does.
19:43I do just as much for this place and it's not fair.
19:46And I'm not going to give 10% of my basic for your bloody press-ups for peace.
19:50Right, those are your demands.
19:52What do the Iraqis want?
19:54Yeah, it's a little bit queasy in the mornings.
19:57Lovely.
19:58Right, bye.
20:00Stupid woman.
20:01Where is everyone, Julie?
20:02There's no one in the canteen.
20:03I don't know.
20:04Oh, but what's the yellow alert?
20:06I know green is bubonic plague and orange is someone without a verruca salt.
20:10OK, here we are.
20:11A code yellow shall be declared when the grounds or airspace of the leisure centre have been
20:16violated by persona or persona non grouch or something, and member or members of the
20:22staff are being held hostage.
20:25What are we supposed to do?
20:26Um, I have to put the kettle on.
20:29Look, Tim, I want to be your friend.
20:32Oh, you can be my friend, Mr. British, if you pay me more money.
20:34And give me back my 10%.
20:36Not now, Carol.
20:37Yes, Mrs. British, I've called the police, the army and the ambulance.
20:39We don't need them now, Carol.
20:40It's only Tim.
20:41Oh, good, because I said they're not coming.
20:44And Sergeant Curtis said if it was the Iraqis, he'd hope they'd kill you.
20:49Thank you, Carol.
20:50Look, Tim, I've got a TV crew arriving in half an hour.
20:53Well, I'm not coming out.
20:54But sooner or later, you are going to get hungry.
20:56I could starve you out, you know.
20:57Not with all this bread and cheese, you can't.
21:00Tim, can I speak with one of the hostages, please?
21:02Here's your tea.
21:03Oh, Julie, downgrade from yellow alert to brown alert, please.
21:06Now, do terrorists take sugar?
21:08Just give him the money, Mr. British.
21:10It'd make my life easier.
21:12Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, think.
21:14I cannot set a president.
21:16If I surrender to terrorism just once...
21:18Gordon?
21:19Not now, my love.
21:20Gordon, can I borrow your checkbook?
21:22Keep back, my darling.
21:23There is, in fact, a colden around me.
21:25Your checkbook, Gordon, where is it?
21:26I don't have it on me at this present moment in time.
21:28Well, where is it?
21:29It's actually in my blazer in the staff room, my sweet.
21:32Well, get it, then.
21:35Tim, do you think under a flag of truth you could pass me out my checkbook, please?
21:40No.
21:41Open this door.
21:42My darling, our hostage negotiations with Tim have reached a very delicate stage.
21:46When do you come out?
21:47I'll get him out for you.
21:48I cannot let an untrained amateur...
21:49Go, Dan.
21:52My mother was exactly the same.
21:54They never realise, do they?
21:56Even years later, you still feel that hurt, don't you?
22:00I don't know why I'm telling you all this, Mrs. Britton, but you're right.
22:03And if anyone's ever angry, it's like my mother all over again, and I'm in the kitchen making
22:09a mess trying to cook at you.
22:10Oh, Tim, do you know what I want to do?
22:13I want to touch you.
22:15I want to put a comforting hand on your shoulder.
22:18If we could even touch fingers.
22:22But we can't through this door, can we?
22:25Couldn't you open it up?
22:26I can't.
22:27No, no, I understand.
22:28But hang on a second.
22:30I've got some string here.
22:31I could make a little loop and push it under the door to you, and then I'll make another
22:35loop at my end, and we'll put our fingers through, and we'll feel the vibrations.
22:41It'll be as if we're touching.
22:46Have you got it?
22:49Yes.
22:51Now put your finger through.
22:53There.
22:54You see?
22:56We're touching.
22:57It feels good, doesn't it?
23:00Oh, yes.
23:10Very impressive.
23:11If I may say so, Mrs. Britters.
23:12There's a trick I learned at Samaritan's.
23:13What do I want to do with you, Mrs. Britters?
23:15Leave him, Linda.
23:16It'll be no trouble now.
23:17Get your Olympic torch and go down to the town hall, please.
23:21Carol, let me know when the television crew arrive, please.
23:24Gabby, get the hunger lunch outside.
23:25Yes, Mrs. Britters.
23:26Colleen.
23:26I'll seat the doors.
23:27Then double-check the banner on the roof, please.
23:30Julie, get my diary.
23:32I want to organise some counselling sessions for Mr. Whistler.
23:36So, Mr. Sayed made you pay for the bottles?
23:38No, no, I'm buying them myself.
23:40You mean you didn't tell him what you did?
23:41Oh, I couldn't have told him.
23:42He just thought I was awful.
23:43So, you bought all the poison bottles?
23:46Oh, not just the poison ones, Penny.
23:49Oh, you're having a very good discount.
23:53Hello.
23:55Hello.
24:23And could I just remind you all that we are going to be,
24:26on television, on the local news?
24:29So, mums, could we have the better-looking children at the front
24:32and the uglier ones at the back?
24:46Mr. Britters, she's just passed the bus station, Mr. Britters.
24:50Right, all hold hands, please, all hold...
24:52Why is no-one eating the bread and cheese, Gabby?
24:54Apparently they all ate before they came, Mr. Britters.
24:57Right, boy-girl, boy-girl, boy-girl, boy-girl.
25:00Are you the mother of this child?
25:02Yes.
25:02Is it a boy or a girl?
25:03A girl?
25:04Well, I'm afraid she's going to have to be a boy for today.
25:06And don't worry, no-one will notice on television with ears like that.
25:10Who's here, Mr. Britters?
25:11Then this year?
25:11Right, positions, everyone, please.
25:13Positions, please.
25:16What are you doing, Tim?
25:18Britters must go.
25:19You can't do that.
25:21Someone might see it.
25:22Everyone's going to see it.
25:23It's going to be on television.
25:24Right.
25:32Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of Wickbury, if you'd like to look over in the direction
25:40of the electricity substation, you will see our athlete bearing the Olympic torch.
25:46She will first circle the leisure centre with a symbolic lap, and then she will ignite the
25:54eternal flame symbolising the beginning of victory, world, peace, and hunger week.
26:01Oh, you want to run?
26:05Now, if I could divert your attention upwards to where, in a few moments, our official banner
26:11will be unfurled.
26:12There's two blokes fighting over there.
26:15Ha!
26:16Ha!
26:18Ha!
26:19Ha!
26:21Quick, everyone, look over here.
26:23Gavin, do the doves.
26:23But what about Linda, Mr. Britt?
26:24Linda's got to light the flame.
26:26Never mind, Linda.
26:26I'll do the flame.
26:27Do the doves.
26:30Look, children, birdies.
26:33And the eternal flame is lit.
26:44I don't look too too.
26:46Praise the Lord, it's a lovely man.
26:50Oh, my God.
26:51Oh, my God.
26:52Oh, my God.
26:54Oh, my God.
27:01Oh, my God.
27:05Oh, my God.
27:05Oh, my God.
27:09In many ways, it was more than I dared hope for.
27:12Have you planned to electrocute that many?
27:14That was unfortunate, Julie.
27:17Hello, Julie.
27:18You're in your bed, my darling. You're supposed to be unconscious.
27:21Hello, Julie.
27:23Do you know, this started off as one of my really bad days,
27:26but after that shock, I don't feel depressed at all.
27:32Can we go home now, Gordon?
27:34And we can have more babies, if you like.
27:36I think, my love, you have to stay in for observation.
27:40Oh, I've seen as much as I want to see.
27:42I'm just going to say goodbye to the woman in the next bed.
27:44Right.
27:45You see, there's a positive side to everything, Julie.
27:49Nobody's dead, I suppose.
27:51You're missing the point, Julie.
27:53They're coming together. People are talking.
27:56People who've never spoken to each other in their lives before
27:59are holding hands and whispering in intensive care.
28:02Yeah. I think that's something we should be proud of.
28:04Yeah, well, I can't hang about here.
28:07Now, don't go doing anything else we can be proud of, will you?
28:11Nah, good girl, Julie.
28:14Oh, nurse, I had an extra-large delivery today
28:18at the leisure centre, a blackcurrant juice.
28:20I thought I might have him drop round here
28:22to cheer up the children.
28:23Do you want it?
28:24I thought I might have an extra-large delivery.
28:34Hi.
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