- 2 months ago
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😹
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00:00Good
00:26How could our own son, our own flesh and blood
00:34possibly disgrace us in this way?
00:36I just can't think of him as anything other than a Muslim.
00:41Do you think I enjoy telling people
00:43that my only son is now converted to being Jewish?
00:49OK, OK, I'll handle this.
00:51You're too hysterical.
00:51We need to make everything calm.
00:56So the traitor has returned!
01:02Look, it's Javel, or should we call him Judas?
01:06Jesus, Dad, you're so melodramatic.
01:14Where's Mom?
01:15In the oven.
01:16I'm dead!
01:20Mom, you've got to get out of there, please.
01:21See what you have done?
01:23Huh?
01:24A Muslim boy would never put his own mother in any kitchen appliance!
01:29It's OK, Dad.
01:30It's an electric oven.
01:31She can't cook herself.
01:33You used to like my food before you became all Jewish.
01:37And now that you're all Jewish, you hate your Muslim mother and father.
01:41No, are you crazy?
01:43Don't know.
01:44You're the only mom and dad I got.
01:47I thought you'd be pleased to see me happy through spirituality.
01:51Unlike most young men of my generation who find happiness through pornography and drugs.
01:57We've been tempted to use had we not been related to every pharmacist and use agent from here to Nuremberg.
02:02But why Judaism?
02:07Would it have been any better if I turned Buddhist?
02:10Islam is the fastest going religion.
02:12More and more people are joining it.
02:13You were in it already.
02:15You had a head start on the others.
02:17A head start?
02:18What is this, the egg and spoon race?
02:20Hundreds of people running towards Mecca.
02:22But you start to run the other way.
02:24What are you, a trout?
02:25My son's a trout!
02:27It's actually a salmon that goes upstream.
02:32Oi, oi!
02:33Don't take advantage of your father's innocence about fish.
02:35Have some respect.
02:36What do you think I am?
02:37Jop liver?
02:38I can fight my own battles.
02:40Naturally, a Muslim would know nothing about fish.
02:43But we thank the Almighty we have a Jew here to tell us.
02:47What am I, huh?
02:48I'm only his father after all.
02:51Things can never be the same between us.
02:54Why not?
02:55We still have so much in common.
02:56Because you're going to start eating pork and bacon sandwiches, why?
03:00Jews don't eat pork.
03:02You say halal.
03:03We say kosher.
03:04You say salam.
03:05I say shalom.
03:06My son, some things you can never get back.
03:09Jews and Muslims are both circumcised.
03:12You told me it'd make me a cut above the rest.
03:14He's only going through affairs.
03:16Haven't you ever noticed the uncanny resemblance between a rabbi and a Muslim cleric?
03:21The long beard, the glasses, the robes, never picking up the check.
03:24Maybe we can get in some beers from the doctor.
03:27Don't you see?
03:28It's almost the same.
03:30What is he talking about?
03:31Jeez, I feel my brain tumor coming back.
03:35I've got to see my analyst.
03:36Hei, hei, hui, hui, vei.
03:46Okay, everyone, cake time!
03:49Hooray!
03:51Victor!
03:53Come and cut your cake!
03:54Mike!
04:24He's such a healthy boy.
04:29We can't cut the cake until we've taken some photos, hmm?
04:34Oh, he's good. He won't touch it. Will you, darling?
04:38Oh, man, I wish all these blokes would just leave me alone, innit?
04:56Oh, oh, and me. I mean, we can't help it. Gorgeous, can we? Yeah.
05:01Elsie!
05:07Oh, in your dreams, buddy.
05:10I mean, you know what the real problem is, don't you?
05:13Yeah, yeah. Well, we are not only gorgeous, we are fashionable and old.
05:19Well, I mean, yeah, Asian style is happening, right? Look at that Jemima Khan.
05:23I ain't never seen her wearing no lycra boob, too.
05:26No, man. She wears them suits like her mummies wear to kiddie parties, innit?
05:30Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can't walk down the street, right,
05:33without seeing all these white girls wearing bindies.
05:36Yeah.
05:37Bet they don't even know what wearing a bindie means.
05:39Innick.
05:41What's it mean, then?
05:43It is.
05:44Right.
05:45Yeah.
05:46A religious, sociological, cultural, sticky mole.
05:50Yeah.
05:51And it's not just our clothes, it is our skin, too.
05:53Oh, oh, brown is the new black, innit?
05:55Yeah, Asian listen. It's super cool, man.
05:58That's why all them Hollywood hunks got with Asian girlfriends, innit?
06:01Yeah, like...
06:02Andrew Neil.
06:03Innit.
06:04Yeah.
06:05Look, buddy, it just takes more than a couple of free drinks, you know.
06:10Hm.
06:11In your drinks!
06:12Yeah.
06:16Look, when will you get the message right?
06:18We are not just a couple of ethnic trinkets.
06:20Yeah, buddy.
06:21This don't come off, you know.
06:23True.
06:24Yeah, we do not want to be molested by every single bloke
06:27that loses control at the sight of a couple of gorgeous girls, innit?
06:30Yeah, well, you should be all right here, then.
06:31I'm all right.
06:52Good afternoon, sir.
07:06Good afternoon, my good man.
07:08I'd like to peruse your board of conjugal delights
07:10in the hope of finding spousal satisfaction.
07:14I beg your pardon, sir.
07:15Yee!
07:17I'm looking for a life in...
07:19Oh, a wife, sir?
07:21Well, you've come to the right place.
07:23This is a marriage emporium, sir.
07:25We have a huge selection of perfect partners
07:27to suit even the weirdest of desires.
07:29Short ones, tall ones, fat ones, thin ones, colours, Carson.
07:31Qualifications.
07:32Excellent.
07:33I'd like a 24-year-old, 5'4",
07:36Gujarati hygienist with no vices, please.
07:39Oh, I'm sorry, sir. We've just run out.
07:41The last one went yesterday to a terribly nice lawyer from Notting Hill.
07:45Well, that's fate for you, I suppose.
07:46How about a nice bit of 5'3", Bengali systems analyst, then?
07:50Oh, not on a Friday, sir.
07:52We only get Bengali systems analysts on a Monday, sir.
07:55I see.
07:56Rajasani pharmacist?
07:58Er, sorry.
08:00Marathi stair-wrangler?
08:02No.
08:03Goan van Chulaquist?
08:04Er, not as such.
08:06What do you mean, not as such?
08:07Well, no.
08:10Parsi ballerina?
08:11Yes, sir.
08:12Yeah, great, I'll take her.
08:14Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought you were talking to me.
08:15What?
08:16That's my name, sir.
08:17Ashok Parsi ballerina.
08:20I see.
08:22Right then.
08:24How about a Punjabi accountant?
08:26Oh, no, sir.
08:28What do you mean, no?
08:28Well, we don't get much call for Punjabi accountants around here, sir.
08:31Not much call?
08:32A Punjabi accountant is the single most popular bride in the world.
08:36Around here it isn't, sir.
08:37So what's popular here?
08:38He is a nice South Indian chiropodist.
08:41Perfect. I'll take her. Do you deliver?
08:43She's a bit dark.
08:45No, no, that's fine.
08:47She's probably a bit darker than you like, sir.
08:48No, no, no, I like them dark.
08:50Might be a bit too dark for you, sir.
08:52I don't care how bloody dark she is.
08:55Bring forth a dusky conk, you're off Kerala.
08:59Oh.
09:01The Sikhs just got her.
09:02The what?
09:02Sikh, gentlemen, while you had your back turned, rushed in, took her paid cash.
09:08Look, do you have any brides at all?
09:10Oh, yes, sir. We're a marriage emporium, sir.
09:14Really?
09:15Not really, sir, no.
09:17Won't be a moment, sir.
09:18Yes, sir, can I help you?
09:19They wish to register a complaint.
09:21Yes, sir.
09:22This bride you introduced me to is dead.
09:26You're not inside.
09:29Hi there.
09:30Hello.
09:31I couldn't help but notice you across the bar.
09:34Are you on your own?
09:35Yes.
09:36My name's Simon.
09:38And you are?
09:39Rita.
09:40Rita.
09:41Wow, what a beautiful name.
09:44So exalting.
09:47It speaks to me of concealed native passion.
09:53Untapped sensuality.
09:56Redolent of dark secrets closely guarded by inscrutable women folk.
10:01Excuse my presumption, Rita, but it's so unusual to see an Asian girl out on her own, especially
10:11one as beautiful as you are.
10:14You intrigue me, Rita.
10:16What would it take to get to know you better?
10:18I thought you'd never ask.
10:21It's £25 for hand relief, full personal's 50, and if you're on an hour, that's 75.
10:25Oh, Ranjit, it's beautiful.
10:33I've never been to an Indian wedding before.
10:35I'm really glad you invited me.
10:37That's all right.
10:38You just enjoy yourself.
10:39There's so much going on.
10:40I don't understand any of it.
10:42Yeah.
10:43Do you want to explain it to me, then?
10:46Yeah, yeah, of course, yeah.
10:47Well, this is the reception stage of the wedding, where the families greet each other.
10:51And that man over there, that's the bride's father, and he's giving that other man a gift.
10:57Do you see?
10:57That's traditional.
10:58Right.
10:59And what's the other man doing?
11:01Well, he's taking the gift and putting it on a hanger.
11:04He's the cloakroom attendant, isn't he?
11:06Yeah, he is, right.
11:08Well, that's the reception stage, anyway.
11:11And that lady over there, that's the bride's sister, and she's going up to that altar and
11:16asking those two priests for a blessing, and they're granting her a blessing.
11:21So many priests, they're the DJs, right?
11:26Yeah, yeah.
11:29You haven't got a clue, have you?
11:30Look, this is an Indian wedding.
11:32I'm an Indian.
11:33And that man over there, okay, he's definitely lighting some kind of incense stick.
11:39You have no idea, have you?
11:41Look, you can't expect me to know everything.
11:43If you want an expert on religious ceremonies, find a pundit.
11:47Right.
11:48Right.
11:49I will.
11:49Excuse me.
11:57Are you a pundit?
11:58Yes, my dear.
12:01It's useless.
12:01I've tried asking him what's going on, but he hasn't got a clue.
12:04Can you explain the ceremony to me, please?
12:06Yes, of course, my child.
12:08In a minute, I will take a seat at the altar in front of that small pot in which I have
12:15made a fire.
12:16And as the bride and groom walk round the fire, I will add to the pot some very special herbs
12:23and some melted cheese, into which bread or small bits of meat can be dipped.
12:30But that's a fondue.
12:32But that's a fondue.
12:34Okay.
12:35But don't tell anyone else.
12:37This is a life, hey, Dad?
12:43You and me sitting on the veranda, enjoying a perfect English summer's evening.
12:48There's nothing English about the word veranda.
12:51It's an Indian word.
12:53Is it?
12:54Of course.
12:55They go on about this beautiful language.
12:58The Queen's English.
12:59Rubbish!
13:00Where does the Queen get a word like veranda?
13:04She stole it from India.
13:06I didn't know that.
13:08And shampoo.
13:08That's an Indian word.
13:11And bungalow.
13:12Jungle.
13:13Right, right, right.
13:13Okay, okay.
13:14You see, you have these English people sitting on the verandas of their bungalows, looking
13:18at the jungle, using their shampoo.
13:20And they talk about Western civilization.
13:22Rubbish!
13:23Well, I don't think you can discount the whole of Western civilization just because they borrowed
13:27the word shampoo.
13:28Yeah, not just shampoo.
13:29Also conditioner.
13:33Brill cream, gel, mousse, wash and go.
13:36All hair care products.
13:37They stole them from India.
13:38That's not true.
13:39Ah, what do you know?
13:40Huh?
13:41You think all we had in India was partition?
13:45Not true.
13:46We also had side partition.
13:49Kind of curse.
13:50Layered bob.
13:50Hang on, hang on, hang on.
13:51Yeah, not just bungalow.
13:53Ah, more Tudor mansion.
13:54Warehouse conversion.
13:55Look, that's enough.
13:56Duplex penthouse apartment.
13:57Semi-retached, two up, two down.
13:59Look, will you shut up about India?
14:00You're always banging on how everything comes from India when it doesn't.
14:03It's all bullshit.
14:05What?
14:06I said bullshit.
14:09Bullshit.
14:10Also Indian.
14:13That's another one, Bina.
14:22You see that?
14:23He was undressing me with his eyes.
14:24In your dreams, buddy.
14:27I mean, why can't they just leave us alone, innit?
14:28Isn't it?
14:29I mean, we can't help being gorgeous.
14:31It's just that they can't handle it.
14:32You'll be lucky.
14:33Two gorgeous girls all alone.
14:35They just assume we're available, innit?
14:37In your dreams, buddy.
14:45Okay, that's enough, Cola.
14:48Oh, just a bit more.
14:50Oh, that's enough.
14:54It's bad for your taste.
15:00That's enough.
15:01That's enough.
15:01It'll upset your tummy.
15:02Oh.
15:03There you go.
15:12Oh.
15:12Doctor, what is it?
15:27You wanted to see me up in Warwick City.
15:28Yes, calm down, Miss Kapoor.
15:30Calm down.
15:30I was just going through your records,
15:32and there are a few things I'd like to clear up.
15:35If you could bear with me while we do a few tests.
15:37Sure.
15:38Lovely.
15:39I'd just like to sit here.
15:40Okay.
15:41That's a long time.
15:42If you could just cross your legs, please.
15:46Right.
15:47If you could repeat the following words after me.
15:50Zoo.
15:51Zoo.
15:52Zebra.
15:53Zebra.
15:55Zebardusty.
15:56Zeb...
15:57Right.
15:58If you could just open wide.
16:00Say, ah.
16:01Ah.
16:03Ah.
16:03Ah.
16:04Ah.
16:05Ah.
16:08Ah.
16:10Yes.
16:10Finally.
16:11Can you tell me, does this hurt?
16:13Ow!
16:14Yes, obviously.
16:16Miss Kapoor, I'm sorry to have to inform you that you are LIC positive.
16:22You mean?
16:23Yes.
16:24Lack of Indian culture.
16:26Positive.
16:27It can be done.
16:28There is only one hope.
16:30Operation.
16:31Operation.
16:33Of course, you could just take this pill.
16:35Oh, thank you.
16:42Miss Kapoor.
16:44Miss Kapoor.
16:45Are you all right?
16:51Excellent.
16:51Excellent.
16:52Now, I'm just going to do a few tests, okay?
16:57If you wouldn't mind crossing your legs.
17:06Excellent.
17:08Please repeat the following words after me.
17:10Aloo.
17:11Aloo ka paratha.
17:13Aloo ka paratha.
17:15Bata chappal.
17:17Bata chappal.
17:19Excellent.
17:19Excellent.
17:20Now, say, ah.
17:22Ah.
17:23Ah.
17:28Now, finally.
17:29Tell me.
17:30Does this hurt?
17:31Well, I declare this treatment to be a complete success.
17:40Congratulations, Miss Kapoor.
17:41You're now a fully-fledged Indian woman.
17:42Shukriya, Dr. Saab.
17:45Dr. Saab, what happened to me?
17:47Ah, yes.
17:47There are one or two side effects.
17:49What?
17:49Um, well, you'll never be able to speak English again.
17:52But, Don, what is now?
17:53Plenty of women survive everywhere.
17:53Dr. Saab, like, how do I work in the building society?
17:57That's not really my problem, actually.
17:59It's kind of a...
18:00No, Dr. Saab, you can't be able to do this.
18:01Dr. Saab, you can't be able to kill me.
18:03Well, there are bits of melodrama are quite normal.
18:06I really have to go.
18:08I have to...
18:08Never stand up in court.
18:09I have to...
18:10Shut up!
18:12I'm going out with my friends.
18:16Clean this place while I've gone, Indian woman.
18:19Can I help you?
18:41I'm here.
18:45Here he comes again, Bino.
18:47Look, we said no, innit?
18:50I cannot believe it, innit?
18:53In your dreams, buddy!
18:54Will passengers for BA flight 713 to Karachi, please go to gate 24.
19:03I still recall the moment we met one hot day in Lahore.
19:16My cousin Umbreen was getting married.
19:19We had never met before.
19:23We saw each other and we fell in love and got married straight away.
19:29But while I'm back home in Hemelham Stead, you're still a thousand miles away.
19:37Cause nothing could compare to the love that we have.
19:40And nothing could describe the elation.
19:43And nothing's going to split us or keep us apart, except for immigration.
19:50The home office guys didn't believe you.
19:54They called you, they called you, they called you a passport case.
19:57If only they knew how desperate I am to see your smiling face.
20:04They asked me all kinds of silly questions to prove that we were true.
20:11Your shirt colour size and what you would read when you sat on the loo.
20:18But I don't care what the home office says.
20:22I'm going for that visa replication.
20:26Cause nothing's going to keep us apart, baby.
20:30Except for immigration.
20:33No, nothing's going to keep me from calling your name.
20:37The phone bill's an abomination.
20:40And nothing's going to split us or keep us apart.
20:44Except for immigration.
20:46And why is it the whole world can see we're in love?
20:51Except for immigration.
21:16Except for immigration.
21:23Oh!
21:23I'm going out!
21:25Georgetown!
21:26Why are you coming out?
21:27First, don't you think we're in love?
21:29Oh!
21:30Don't you think we're in love?
21:31No!
21:32Don't you think we're in love?
21:33Erza?
21:33I'll be thinking we're in love?
21:34You think I wouldn't go in love?
21:36Oh!
21:36Oh!
21:37Oh!
21:37Oh!
21:39Oh!
21:39Oh!
21:40Mum, Dad, I'm going out, see you later.
21:42What?
21:44I'm going out with my friends. I'll see you later, all right?
21:46Oh, OK.
21:49What?
21:50Nothing, nothing. You go out. Go out with your friends.
21:53Friends are more important than your family, anyway.
21:56Oh, Mum!
21:56No, no, no, really, I don't mind. Go, go.
21:59Leave your parents, who gave you life, and go out with your friends.
22:04I hardly ever go out.
22:05Don't worry. Soon we will be dead.
22:08Then you can go out every night with your friends to your pubs and your clubs.
22:12Your Ministry of Sound.
22:17Stay in, then.
22:19Well, it's up to you.
22:23Well, can I watch the football, then?
22:26Your father is watching Star Trek.
22:29Deep Space Nine.
22:31Well, can I flick over for a second and see what the score is?
22:34OK, for a second, of course.
22:38You are young.
22:39What is one second for you? Nothing.
22:43We are just two old people.
22:45We will probably be dead in one second.
22:47Then you can sit with your friends watching your football in your pubs and your clubs.
22:51Your Ministry of Sound.
22:54OK, forget it. I'll be in my room.
22:57Why not?
22:58Why sit with us while we are still alive?
23:01You can sit with us plenty at our funerals.
23:04This is ridiculous.
23:06Look, we're all going to die.
23:08I mean, I could go out of here and get run over by a bus.
23:11Look, I can't take these constant guilt trips anymore.
23:14Look, I'm going out and that's that.
23:15All right.
23:15That's right. Don't worry about us.
23:33Soon we'll be dead.
23:35Then you can sit under your bus with your friends, putting your football in your pubs and your clubs.
23:40Your Ministry of Sound.
23:42In your dreams, buddy.
23:46Yeah, as if.
23:48It's our typical, isn't it, yeah?
23:49That you see two gorgeous girls and they completely lose control.
23:52Look at that here.
23:53Now, chance.
23:57Okay, okay, okay, guys. Settle down, settle down.
24:03Now, as you all know, we here at Satchi and Jhuta pride ourselves on taking on tough advertising campaigns and winning.
24:11Yeah.
24:11They all said we couldn't sell toilet paper to the villages.
24:16But we did it, damn it.
24:17Thanks to Ravi's catchy slogan.
24:19Yeah, Ravi's the man.
24:20Yeah, come on, guys.
24:21It is nothing.
24:22Oh, come on, yaar.
24:24It was master.
24:25So, giddy ass.
24:27Why take two lotas into the field when you can wipe and go?
24:32And this is the big one, guys.
24:34This morning, we landed the Feminim account.
24:37Right, whatever.
24:38Yes, we will be the first ad agency in India
24:40to promote Feminim tampons.
24:46That's great, Rani.
24:48Isn't it, guys?
24:49Uh, you like...
24:49Well, absolutely, yeah.
24:51It's a chance to give modern choices to the modern Indian woman.
24:54So, ideas.
24:55Uh, Neelam.
24:56Well, I just thought, you know, you're the woman on the creative team.
25:01Right.
25:01So, now I'm some sort of feminine hygiene guru, is that it?
25:03Ask one of the bloody men for a damn change.
25:06Who's my neurofan?
25:08Any ideas from the English campaign on this product, Rani?
25:10Oh, yes, you see, now, they've got a beautiful girl
25:12jumping out of an aeroplane in a skin-tight lycra suit,
25:15singing,
25:16It's my life!
25:19Well, I don't think we want to confuse our women with fancy aerial tactics.
25:22Well, then think of the mess, huh?
25:24Oh, please, guys, come on, yaar.
25:26Grow up.
25:26Hey, Rani's right, okay?
25:27It's a perfectly natural product
25:29for a perfectly natural physiological process.
25:32Right.
25:33What do you mean, exactly?
25:35You know, natural process, the woman's...
25:38thing.
25:40Yes.
25:41And this...
25:42feminine thing
25:43is for that...
25:45thing.
25:47Achcha, thing!
25:48Oh, for God's sake!
25:50Just have a look at the product,
25:51and then tell me what you think.
25:56Oh, God.
25:59I feel sorry for women, you know.
26:02It can't be much fun
26:02having to swallow one of these every month, huh?
26:07You...
26:08Oh, no!
26:08It doesn't go in the mouth.
26:10Really?
26:11Where does it go?
26:15What?
26:18Hey, we'll have to seek a health warning on the packet.
26:21Why?
26:22Only to be used by married women.
26:24We don't want hundreds of angry fathers
26:26knocking on our door.
26:27With a pundit, exactly.
26:29They'll put a health warning on you,
26:30dung breath.
26:32I'm sorry!
26:34I've got it!
26:35I've got the ad!
26:36Great, great, Ram.
26:37Share it with the room, yeah.
26:38Okay, okay.
26:38We start off with some tinkly music.
26:40Right, right?
26:41A sort of housewife
26:42tum-ti-tum-ti-tum-ti-tum-ti.
26:43Okay, right?
26:44And then you see a waft into frame.
26:45Great, who?
26:46Today's modern Indian woman.
26:48Yes.
26:48Dressed in a full-length burqa
26:50with a big bell around her neck
26:51and a sign which says,
26:52Unclean, Unclean!
26:54And she's so disgusted with herself,
26:55she runs into the nearest shop
26:56and buys a packet of
26:57ta-da!
26:58Thing!
26:59Ah, that's brilliant, yeah.
27:00And we can give away a big bell
27:02with every packet of
27:03thing!
27:04Ah, ah!
27:05And the slogan!
27:06Okay?
27:06This thing!
27:07For that thing!
27:08With a thing!
27:09Oh, with a thing!
27:09How do you do this?
27:11Oh, God!
27:12Excuse me!
27:14Don't touch me!
27:17Oh, eh?
27:17What's wrong with her?
27:19Time of the month.
27:20I thought it was 4.30.
27:21I thought it was 4.30.
27:24Eh, feminine.
27:25Oh, feminine.
27:26This thing for that thing.
27:28With a ding!
27:28I thought it was 5.30.
27:29I thought it was 5.30.
27:30I thought it was 5.30.
27:31I thought it was 5.30.
27:32I thought it was 5.30.
27:33I thought it was 5.30.
27:34I thought it was 5.30.
27:35I thought it was 5.30.
27:36I thought it was 5.30.
27:37I thought it was 5.30.
27:38I thought it was 5.30.
27:39I thought it was 5.30.
27:40I thought it was 5.30.
27:41I thought it was 5.30.
27:42I thought it was 5.30.
27:43I thought it was 5.30.
27:44I thought it was 5.30.
27:45I thought it was 5.30.
27:46I thought it was 5.30.
27:47I thought it was 5.30.
27:48I thought it was 5.30.
27:49Do you know where this bit comes from?
28:00India.
28:05Goodness gracious me!
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