- 7 weeks ago
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😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good night, gracious me!
00:30Oh my God, everybody come over here, come over here!
00:37What?
00:38I made a small offering of milk in this coterie to the statue, and now the milk has gone, leaving
00:46just a chalky white deposit and a strange smell.
00:51It's a miracle!
00:52It's a miracle!
00:53It's a miracle!
00:54It's a miracle!
00:55It's a miracle!
00:56It's a miracle!
00:57Hang on.
00:58When did you put it there?
01:01About three weeks ago.
01:03It evaporated, hasn't it?
01:05Oh, yeah.
01:06Sorry.
01:07No miracle.
01:08Oh.
01:09Wait a minute!
01:10Everyone, come here!
01:11Quick, quick, quick!
01:12Look, look, look!
01:13What?
01:14What?
01:15This morning, I placed a agarbat in front of the statue, and now all that's left is a pile
01:21of ashes and a strange smell.
01:26It's a miracle!
01:27It's a miracle!
01:28It's a miracle!
01:29It's a miracle!
01:30It's a miracle!
01:31Hang on, hang on.
01:32Um, did you light it?
01:33Well, of course.
01:34Well, it's just burnt down, leaving the smell of incense.
01:38That's what justics do, isn't it?
01:40Oh.
01:41Oh.
01:42Sorry.
01:43Oh.
01:44Oh.
01:45But wait!
01:46What?
01:47No, sorry.
01:48Never mind.
01:49It's a miracle!
01:50It's a miracle!
01:51It's a miracle!
01:52It's a miracle!
01:53Everyone!
01:54It's a miracle!
01:55What?
01:56What?
01:57What?
01:58What?
01:59I left an entire spicy bean burger happy meal near the statue.
02:04And now it's gone, leaving just some of these pieces of gherkin.
02:09Oh.
02:10And a street smell.
02:14Well?
02:17Well?
02:18I don't know.
02:19It's a miracle!
02:20It's a miracle!
02:21It's a miracle!
02:22It's a miracle!
02:23It's a miracle!
02:24It's a miracle!
02:25It's a miracle!
02:26It's a miracle!
02:27It's a miracle!
02:28It's a miracle!
02:29Hang on!
02:30Hang on!
02:31What's that on your chin?
02:32Uh, mayonnaise.
02:33And how did it get there?
02:34I...
02:35I ate the happy meal.
02:36Aw!
02:37Yes!
02:38But what about the strange smell?
02:43Yeah, sorry about that.
02:45Come on!
02:46Come on!
02:47Come on!
02:48Look at everybody!
02:49Why do we need a miracle?
02:51I mean, isn't your faith enough?
02:53Would it be any stronger if the gods performed some trivial magic trick for you, huh?
02:58No.
02:59No.
03:00I suppose not.
03:05Wait, wait, look!
03:06The statue, it's moving!
03:08It's coming alive!
03:09It's a miracle!
03:10It's a miracle!
03:11It's a miracle!
03:12It's a miracle!
03:13Forgive me for doubting you.
03:15I humble myself before you.
03:17You are forgiven, my child.
03:20Now, pick a card.
03:29Well, Mr and Mrs Sethi, why don't we begin by you telling me what you think the problem is?
03:34Well, okay, I told him last night, I said if he really wants to save this marriage, yeah, we should think about, you know, having another one.
03:45No, no, no, no, let me just point out that having children is no certain way to save a marriage.
03:50What children?
03:51I'm saying we should have another Mercedes.
03:53Sorry?
03:54The only thing that can save this marriage is if we have another Mercedes.
03:59Yeah, we have enough trouble looking after the one Mercedes, let alone two.
04:02Yeah, well, I don't want it to be an only Mercedes, do I?
04:05I'm not saying we can't have another one, just not yet.
04:07If you love me, you want me to be happy.
04:10Or are you just waiting until it's too late for me to have another luxury status car?
04:15Well, maybe more children would be a good idea.
04:18I'm just not thinking about the practical side.
04:20Mercedes take a lot of looking after.
04:22There's all the cleaning, the repair bills, all that getting up in the middle of the night to switch the alarm off.
04:27Don't you remember when we had our first one?
04:30Yeah.
04:31At Prague we were.
04:32Yeah.
04:33Going down the roads and people waving and smiling and telling us how beautiful she was.
04:37Okay, why don't we discuss your relationship with your parents?
04:40Do you want to know the truth?
04:41Of course I don't.
04:42I can't.
04:43I can't have another Mercedes, alright?
04:45Well then you can't.
04:48I saw the bank manager the other day.
04:50He said I got low credit rating.
04:52Oh my God.
04:53Oh my God.
04:54You're no real man.
04:55I want to divorce.
04:56What?
04:57He's been firing blank cheques.
04:59No one wants.
05:04Now sir, alright mate?
05:06Uh, sorry I don't quite remember.
05:09It's me.
05:10Flash Ash.
05:11We made that party last year.
05:12How you doing man?
05:13I'm doing brilliant.
05:14Got his job in the city.
05:15Dealer right?
05:16100,000 a year.
05:17Yeah, yeah.
05:18I remember you now.
05:19Yeah, brilliant.
05:20So how about you man?
05:21Uh, well not so good.
05:22You know, my grandfather just died so...
05:23Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:24How much are you earning?
05:25What?
05:26Listen, I'm leaving the city job.
05:27Got headhunted by this computer company.
05:28100,000 a year.
05:29Yeah, listen.
05:30I haven't finished yet.
05:31I'll tell you, I sat at my own company.
05:32100,000 a year.
05:33Bigger company wants to take us over.
05:34Guess how much?
05:35100,000 a year.
05:36Still doing all the promotions, all the big venues and that.
05:38But it's just a hobby.
05:39Don't pay very much.
05:40100,000 a year.
05:41Right, so are you still living at home with your mum?
05:44Listen, I've got to go man.
05:45I'll catch you later.
05:51I'm not being reactionary.
05:53I'm talking about cultural isolation.
05:55But the fact is, he's married a non-Asian woman.
05:57Yeah?
05:58Now that's got to have implications.
05:59Absolutely.
06:00I mean, when we were young, we wouldn't have thought twice about it.
06:02But things changed.
06:03Yeah.
06:04I mean, it's only when you get to this age that you realise how Asian you really are.
06:07Exactly.
06:08And until you marry a white woman.
06:09Yeah.
06:10Yeah.
06:11Oh, look, he's here.
06:12Look, everybody.
06:13Try and make her feel welcome, yeah?
06:15Hi.
06:16Congratulations.
06:17Guys, er, meet Sarah.
06:22Great.
06:23Yeah.
06:24Sarah, come and meet the guys.
06:29Hi, Sarah.
06:30Hi, Sarah.
06:31Namaste.
06:32God bless you all.
06:34May eternal peace reign in each and every one of your homes.
06:39Take a seat, Sarah.
06:40Oh, thank you.
06:47Sarah, please.
06:48It's so wonderful to be with my own people at last.
06:52I can't believe the way that English people stare.
06:55Have you noticed?
06:56As if they'd never seen a Saalwal before.
06:57Would you like a glass of wine?
06:58Oh, my God.
06:59No.
07:00I never touch the alcohol.
07:01Just a plain glass of water for me.
07:03No, don't worry.
07:04I'll get it.
07:05Oi!
07:06Ramlal!
07:07Ramlal!
07:08Ramlal!
07:09Ramlal!
07:10Ramlal!
07:11Ramlal!
07:12Ramlal!
07:13Ramlal!
07:14Ramlal!
07:15Ramlal!
07:16Ramlal!
07:17Ramlal!
07:18Ramlal!
07:19So, um, how did you two meet?
07:20The wedding was very sudden, wasn't it?
07:22Well, not really, you see.
07:23My father had promised me to Ravi when I was nine years old.
07:26We were brought up together in the same village in Uttar Pradesh.
07:27Met at a nightclub in Putney.
07:28We really ought to be leaving.
07:29But why?
07:30It's so wonderful here.
07:31Up you get.
07:32Up you get.
07:33Let's go.
07:34Now.
07:35No!
07:36No!
07:37Pashwari Nan!
07:38No!
07:39Ram Prakash!
07:40Saganoo!
07:41It's got all right.
07:42Thank you!
07:43No!
07:44No!
07:45No!
07:46It's not.
07:47No!
07:48No!
07:49No!
07:50No!
07:51No!
07:52No!
07:53No!
07:54No!
07:55No!
07:56No!
07:57No!
07:58No!
07:59No!
08:00No!
08:01No!
08:02No!
08:03Yow Pussycats, yeah it's me Smita Smitten Showbiz Kitten, coughing up those precious
08:18little fur balls of showbiz gossip onto the dowdy carpet of your dull little lives.
08:23Well you know my little pussies, all the top Bollywood stars are in town tonight for a
08:29hush-hush private party and although the secret when he was announced only an hour ago, guess
08:35whose name is on top of the guest list? Guess? Me? Because you know what they say about celebrity
08:42gatherings, no party is complete without a Smita. Anyway all the top stars are gonna be
08:51there tonight, Jackie Shiroff, Akshay Kumar, Salman Khan. Oh and I think we've arrived.
08:58It's showtime, Pussycats.
09:00Meow.
09:01Jackie?
09:03Salman?
09:05Oh, I would know those shoes. I would know those shoes. I would know those shoes.
09:23Oh, I would know those shoes anywhere. It's Art Malik.
09:30Hello. Hello Malik. Yeah what is it? Well Malik, it's 11 o'clock. So? So why aren't you here at work? Oh I get it. I hear what you're saying.
09:39This isn't about work is it? This is about the colour of my skin. You're picking up because I'm Asian you racist bastard. I bet you're not ringing up all your white employees and hurling racial abuse at them are you? This is the third time this week Malik, I can't let you keep doing this.
09:46Oh and what are you gonna do? Sack me? You'd love that wouldn't you? You'd love to throw me on the scrap heap. Another disillusioned ethnic youth. No job, no hope.
09:53Marginalised by white society and forced to rot in urban squalor. Is that what you want? Because that's what'll happen, eh?
10:00All right Malik, I'm sorry. Take the rest of the day off. Good. Thanks. And can I borrow the car please Dad? Yes, yes.
10:02Whatever you want.
10:03Whatever you want.
10:04You're not hanging out. You're hanging out. You're hanging out all your white employees and hurling racial abuse at them are you?
10:07This is the third time this week Malik, I can't let you keep doing this.
10:09Ooh and what are you gonna do? Sack me. You'd love that wouldn't you? You'd love to throw me on the scrap heap. Another disillusioned ethnic youth. No job, no hope. Marginalised by white society and forced to rot in urban squalor. Is that what you want? Because that's what'll happen, eh?
10:21All right Malik, I'm sorry. Take the rest of the day off. Good. Thanks. And can I borrow the car please Dad?
10:29Hello. Nice wedding, eh no? Mmm, so so. Well of course it's not the best wedding I've ever been to. I have been to much better weddings than this. Yes, of course. I mean, what is this? This is nothing compared to other weddings. In fact, this is the worst wedding I've ever been to.
10:56So, where is your son? Isn't he interested in his family anymore?
11:03Actually, his uncle phoned from India this morning. He's gone to hospital for operation. My son took the first flight out there immediately, just to be by his bedside.
11:15And, er, where is your son? My son is on a plane to Canada to visit his uncle in Toronto, who has a slight headache.
11:27He went first class. Oh yes, of course, first class. My son always travels first class. He's also paying for his uncle's operation. But then he has so much money anyway.
11:40How much?
11:45I don't know his bank account is in Jersey. Oh, of course, Jersey. Hmm. My son's bank account had to be moved from Jersey to a bigger island. That's how well my son is doing.
11:58Well, let me tell you how well my son is doing. As soon as he returns from India, he's going to number 10 Downing Street.
12:04Where he lives Tony Blair to receive Businessman of the Year Award.
12:08Well, as soon as my son is finished operating on his uncle, he is flying to Washington to attend a banquet in his honor at the White House.
12:18Where Bill Clinton lives. And then he's flying to the United Nations building in New York.
12:23Where he will get a Nobel Peace Prize.
12:27Yes, well, how big is this Dundah?
12:34Yeah!
12:42Anyway, they was paying me 100,000 a year and this bigger company made me an offer. 100,000 a year. So I opened up my own company. 100,000 a year. Oh, wreck him.
12:53Anyway, they was paying me 100,000 a year, and then this bigger company made me an offer.
12:59100,000 a year, so I opened up my own company.
13:02100,000 a year.
13:03All right, give me...
13:04All right, all right.
13:06Do what you have to.
13:07Nice one.
13:18Excuse me, is this St. Tycoon?
13:21Er, doesn't look like it, does it?
13:24Oh, yeah, I get it.
13:25You're so funny.
13:31So is it free, then, the seat?
13:33Yes, it is.
13:34Oh, don't worry that.
13:36Oh, I knew I was going to be late, you know.
13:38Never have your bikini line waxed just before an interview, and then wear a leather skirt.
13:42My thighs squeaked all the way here.
13:44People on the bus gave me such looks.
13:46Sorry, did you say you were here for an interview?
13:49Yeah.
13:50The interview for the newsreader's job on Newsnight.
13:52Yeah!
13:54Are you as well?
13:55Yes, I am.
13:56Oh, God, it's so exciting, isn't it?
13:58I mean, there is so much we could do with that programme.
14:01Oh, well, I agree.
14:02I mean, our current affairs media should reflect the multiracial makeup of our modern society.
14:07And we as Asian women could do so...
14:08We're talking more about the clothes, really.
14:11Pardon?
14:12Well, have you seen the polyester pyjama tops that Gargi Patel wears?
14:16Oh!
14:17She really lets the side down.
14:20And as for that Zenab what's-the-face, is she allergic to blusher or what?
14:24Oh, but that Ulrika Johnson, now.
14:26She's a real pro.
14:27Gorgeous hair.
14:29Sorry, do you mind me asking, um, exactly which journalism course did you do?
14:34Eh?
14:35What qualifications do you have for this job?
14:38Oh, right, yeah, yeah.
14:40Here's, um, here's my CV.
14:42See, right there.
14:45Er, it just says Asian babe.
14:48Yeah.
14:49I'm sorry, I don't quite see how that would, you know...
14:53Well, I'm Asian, I'm obviously a babe.
14:55What bit don't you understand?
14:58I don't understand how you think this qualifies you to do one of the most demanding posts in journalism.
15:04Yeah, well, you're not a bloke, are you?
15:07I've got a degree, an MA in journalism, four years' experience on the news desk of a national newspaper,
15:13and I've just spent the last two years in Bosnia.
15:15Yeah, well, that explains the state of your hair, innit?
15:19Do you really think that someone is going to give you a responsible job
15:25just because you bat your eyelids and flash your cleavage?
15:28Yeah.
15:30Um, Miss Kahn.
15:32Oh.
15:34You know, women like you let the side down.
15:36I don't know how you can live with yourself.
15:38Would you just like to come this way, Miss Kahn?
15:41Just call me Pinky.
15:44Come here, I'm going to take the top off.
15:45Wow.
16:07Everybody in?
16:08yes okay good now before we go just for once we're going to have a nice normal day out okay
16:16everyone will behave themselves nobody will distract me while i'm driving or get over excited
16:20in any way okay we're not moving mommy what's wrong what have you done
16:37nothing i've stalled the car
16:39okay calm down calm down everyone mommy mommy i'm scared i told you not to marry this man look what
16:47he does it is a curse god is punishing us i just didn't use enough accelerator okay i'll try again
16:55oh my god i risk another disaster are you trying to kill ourselves he is a madman my daughter has
17:02married a madman and now we are all cursed are we going to die who knows stranded you're miles from
17:09home inches inches from home have we got a flare gun will we ever be rescued if we run out of food
17:20eat me first see nothing wrong no need to panic no need for stupid melodrama
17:30sorry sorry daddy okay now first off petrol we're running a bit low
17:35who's a clever boy then your mommy's clever boy you're so clever yes you are you're a sweetie
17:51aren't you yes but how big is his dunda
17:56when you worked in that travel agency on the high street you were beautiful
18:06you could have been another lund polly that skunk of a manager but you're too fast
18:14it wasn't him charlie it was you remember that time that customer came into the shop looking for an
18:21open return to bangalore peak season and you came up to my desk and said sorry kid this ain't your flight
18:29not my flight i could have taken that customer apart so what happens you get a 75 pound commission and
18:37what do i get a one-way ticket to palookaville he was my brother charlie you should have looked out for
18:46me just a little bit i could have had club class i could have been a contender i could have been apta
18:56instead of a bucket shop which is what i am here kid you're gonna need this what is it
19:05oh
19:24yeah it's me smita smitten showbiz kitten attracting the tom cats of controversy to the raised hindquarters of my
19:33glamorous gossip showbiz shows and tonight my little pussies i am here to assist in the opening of a
19:39spicy new eatery planet bollywood yeah all the stars are going to be there tonight salma akshay kajal
19:48salma it looks like the wacky funsters have started without me so let's go in and join the fun
19:55meow meow it's showtime pussycats sweet eyes here pussycats show her to the top table salman is waiting
20:06excuse me i think i was here first don't you know who i am no i don't sorry
20:11good work oh look there's art malik
20:27hey man what man you know what a problem is man we can't get now bump and grind with the
20:33grass no man yeah yeah that's your problem man you've been trying to get into binders of all
20:40companies for hi kiss my chaddies man
20:48the door to her pajamas is locked to you man you shut your mouth or i'll mess you right up man
20:54cold cold i'm talking about our problem in a sociological vibe innit you see we as young
21:01british asians are subject to huge and massive pressure from both family and community to achieve
21:07higher academic results right but you do want to unlock a pajamas innit man what's the matter with
21:14you man this is a serious thing i'm saying to you i've given it a lot of taught observed the whole
21:20phenomenon and mtv did a thing about last night mtv mtv mtv
21:29yeah british asian kids man are academic overachievers we study too hard and neglect
21:36other aspects of our personal development in it and that's us is it man of course it is man
21:40we are totally underdeveloped in a personal way because we work too hard yeah
21:47so what was the last book you read man the one about that african leader and he struggled to
21:53achieve power for his people what's that geezer's name paul gray nelson mandela trunk
21:59bob the elephant man you mean to say you haven't read a book since you were six that is my point man
22:06i don't need to read anything i am an asian academic overachiever i already know too much
22:13oh fierce man so uh what we're gonna do about it man what we're gonna do about it is nothing
22:22we're just gonna sit here try chill out a little bit try not to achieve anything innit
22:26you know i've been doing that for the last three hours you're setting a good example to all the other
22:35asian kids keep up the good work innit oh man okay everybody times up put your pens down and have your
22:41exam papers ready
22:51excuse me
22:55hello oh it's you well aren't you going to invite me in well we didn't think you'd be turning up
23:05why not showing your face in public after the shame your son has brought what shame everybody
23:14knows he was arrested for being a pimp yes so your son is a pimp oh no no my son is not a pimp my son
23:24is the best pimp oh yes my son is the biggest pimp in all england really oh yes he's very successful
23:32he has two mercedes a big fur coat and lots of gold jewelry all real gold not like your son
23:40well my son is a good boy studying for his accountancy exams yes he's such a humble
23:46unambitious boy unlike my son who has more than any other pimp in britain
23:53well uh he is going to prison not just prison parkhurst
23:59oh yes my son has won a place at parkhurst in the same wing that produced reggie cray the richardson's
24:06and mad frankie frazer
24:10well actually my son's accountancy is just a front he is actually working for the mob
24:17oh god he's running a huge money laundering service funded by mafia drugs money
24:23well he hasn't got into prison yet that's because they haven't built the prison that can hold my
24:31beta or crazy bird man umesh yes well my son is known as the scourge of the screws in the entire british
24:41prison system and he's renowned as being the most vicious slang that ever did porridge
24:45oh really really well how big is his dunda
24:57babuji
25:00i'm untouchable
25:17just untouchable folks don't give a down
25:21like a piece of gun that clings to me how a door that's bound does bring to me
25:31as if it's a crime
25:33as if it's a crime
25:37put simply that i'm
25:39an untouchable
25:43in every way
25:45just untouchable
25:49both night and day
25:53why do asians just make fun of us don't they realize they were once one of us
26:05in a previous life they were untouchables too
26:14untouchable
26:16i smell of dung
26:17just untouchable
26:21just untouchable
26:23but i'm well hung
26:25all i ask is the same opportunity
26:32as the folks who just throw things at me
26:35our numbers will rise
26:39then you'll pay the price
26:43when untouchables
26:48form government
26:52by untouchables
26:54by untouchables
26:56they'll represent
26:58then my darlings
27:02no one will insult us
27:04other casts
27:06will look unenvious
27:08wishing they could be
27:10untouchables too
27:12babuji
27:14you
27:16know
27:18you
27:20support
27:22that
27:23you
27:24but
27:27that
27:29you
27:31you
27:33you
27:35you
27:37you
27:37and
27:37you
27:37you
27:38you
27:39you
27:40you
27:41The most difficult to associate himself as the longest triple jumper in history.
27:52Oh, it's huge, it's massive.
27:54My goodness, that is fantastic and it's legal.
28:00Yes, but how big is this dunda?
28:05Goodness gracious me.
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