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00:00Good and gracious, mate!
00:27Why are we meeting here, man?
00:37Because this is the Internet Café, man.
00:39From here we can go wherever we want.
00:41Oh, let's go outside the library, man.
00:44And wait for the russ malai to finish their homework, innit?
00:48No, man.
00:49I'm talking about logging on to the World Wide Web.
00:51I'm talking about surfing on the information superhighway.
00:55Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you chatting about, man?
00:59I'm talking about travelling without moving.
01:04So we're going to get one of Uncle Devin the Scabs?
01:08No, you bindu.
01:10Look, from this computer, right, we can access the Internet.
01:14The greatest technological revolution since trainers with lights in them.
01:20Computers are for nerds, man.
01:21Yeah, man.
01:22But some of those nerds, right, sitting in their bedrooms alone,
01:24tapping into the night have turned their hobbies into billion-pound businesses, innit?
01:28I can't see no one paying you no billion pounds for your lonely bedroom hobby.
01:39Kiss my chuddies, man. What I'm talking about is something completely new,
01:44being a service provider for the male population.
01:49Well, what's new about that, man? It's the oldest profession in the world.
01:55Will you take your mind out of your chuddies for one second?
01:59Listen to my vision. I'm talking, right, about setting up our own website, right?
02:04That'll cater for the needs of every desi-geezer on the planet.
02:07Whoa, cool, man. So what we're providing, man?
02:10What is it that you want more than anything else in the whole world?
02:15Ras-malai!
02:17Wicked, man, wicked!
02:18Bingo! I'm talking about virtual ras-malai, cyber honeys.
02:23Fat massivosity, man.
02:26Yeah, man.
02:27But before long, right, we'll have every bindi-wearing babe on the planet on our web page.
02:33Whoa, it'd be like forehead.com.
02:38Let's do it, man.
02:39Yeah.
02:40Let's do it, man.
02:40OK, man.
02:41Yeah, yeah.
02:41We're surfing.
02:42Whoa, whoa, whoa.
02:43We're cyberpunk.
02:44Cyberpunk, man.
02:45We're riding the techno wave to a brave new world.
02:48How do you put it on, man?
02:52I don't know.
02:55Let's go down to the library, man.
02:57Oh, hello.
03:11If you're anything like me, your desk probably looks like this.
03:15Well, today I'm going to show you how to make a brilliant desk tidy using a few empty containers
03:22you can find in your mum and dad's kitchen.
03:24Like this old tin of tomatoes.
03:28This bottle had cooking oil in it.
03:30And these are a few empty spice spots.
03:36Now, if you're from a white family, your desk tidy will look like this.
03:44And if you're Asian, it will look like this.
03:54I'm so pleased to have met a woman like you.
03:56You're like one of my best friends.
03:58Really?
03:59Yeah.
04:00Dave.
04:02David.
04:03David Smith.
04:05Check, please.
04:14Hello, and welcome to Asian Arts.
04:16The last few years have seen an explosion in the popularity of Asian arts in Britain.
04:21And this week sees the launch of the latest Asian sensation, which is set to sweep the country
04:26and do for Indian culture what Riverdance did for the Irish.
04:29I'm talking, of course, of Punjabis on ice.
04:34And here with me is the director and writer of the show, Baldev Singh.
04:38Get down!
04:42Right, could you tell me how you first came up with this idea?
04:45Well, I always wanted to bring the Indian ancient classical arts to a wider audience.
04:52So I thought, why not the good old-fashioned ice extravaganza?
04:59And the boys took to it straight away.
05:01Oh, right.
05:02So they were all natural skaters.
05:04No.
05:06You do have to remember that ice is not the natural medium for your average Punjabi.
05:11So we replaced the ice.
05:15Oh, replaced the ice?
05:17Uh, with what?
05:17Lino!
05:22Lino.
05:23Lino!
05:25Right, uh, well, let's see a clip.
05:39Um, that actually looked like two fat drunk men sliding around the kitchen.
05:55Correct.
05:56And let me tell you, it takes a lot of skill to make it look that easy.
06:02Right, let's move on, shall we?
06:03Um, you have a number of other projects in the pipeline.
06:06Maybe you could tell us something about synchronized Parsis.
06:10Ah, synchronized Parsis is a performance inspired by the sublime beauty of synchronized swimming.
06:15Oh, right.
06:16So this takes place underwater?
06:18No.
06:20You see, the Parsis involved are desert dwellers.
06:24They are not used to water.
06:26So we have replaced the water.
06:29With what?
06:29Lino!
06:30All right, let's take a look, shall we?
06:44Beautiful, listen to it.
07:01Yes, I'm sorry, but that was just two dumpy girls sliding around your kitchen floor.
07:06I know exactly what you're thinking.
07:07How do they hold their breath for so long?
07:09Shut up.
07:11Now, is there anything else?
07:12Skydiving Muslims?
07:14Does it involve lino?
07:15No.
07:16Are you sure?
07:17Only a bit.
07:17No.
07:20Thank you, Baldev Singh.
07:21Good morning.
07:21Next week on Asian Arts, we'll be discussing Talvin Singh's soundtrack to the Kathak dance
07:26version of Hanif Qureshi's Buddha of Suburbia.
07:28They should do it on lino!
07:36We should have taken my son's car.
07:38It never breaks down.
07:40I'll just call my son at his office.
07:43He'll come and pick us up.
07:44No.
07:45I'll call my son's personal assistant at the company that he owns.
07:50He'll be here quicker.
07:53Well, actually, my son has a satellite link-up which he bought me.
07:57He'll be here quicker.
07:58Rubbish.
07:59We'll see about that.
08:03Read it.
08:06Meanwhile, as Balwant Singh Jaggi works on a leaky radiator, unbeknownst to him, the inhabitants
08:12of Bangratown are being terrorized by an evil new menace.
08:16Help!
08:16Lord!
08:17Hearing their cries, Balwant instantly leaps into action.
08:23Help!
08:24Help!
08:24Help!
08:25Help!
08:25Help!
08:27BANGRA MAN!
08:40I don't know what happened. They came out of nowhere.
08:43What did he do?
08:44That way. Follow the ribbons.
08:46What did he do?
08:48What did he do?
08:54Using his uncanny Bhangra abilities,
08:57and his amazing deckhole vision,
08:59Bhangra Man quickly recognized the work of his arch-enemy.
09:03Help! Help!
09:05This is...
09:07This is...
09:09This is...
09:11This is...
09:13This is...
09:15More is dancer, voila!
09:24Hey, nonny-no, lads!
09:26I told you it worked hard.
09:28Today, just shy of £300 from the village post office.
09:32Tomorrow, the world!
09:42Blimey!
09:43Anouge, oldini!
09:46More is the dancer, voila!
10:02That's about it!
10:04Oh, away!
10:17Oh!
10:18Oh!
10:19Oh!
10:20Oh!
10:22Oh!
10:23Oh!
10:25Oh!
10:27Why, thanks, Bhangra Man.
10:29Oh, you foiled the evil Morris Dancer and saved us from a pure
10:34the future of performing ridiculous outmoded folk dance routines.
10:37That's Roy.
10:38How can we ever repay you?
10:41Let's bung it up, baby!
10:51Emergency services, which service do you require?
10:53Yeah, I'd like the Sikh fire brigade, please.
10:56The Sikh fire brigade?
10:59You know, beards, turbans, hoses,
11:02but don't you know what a Sikh is, you crypto-imperialist boot girl?
11:06Well, we don't have a Sikh fire brigade,
11:08but if there's an emergency, perhaps a regular fire service can help?
11:11Oh, I get it.
11:13This isn't about the regular fire service helping.
11:15This is about the colour of my skin.
11:17No, we just don't have any Sikh firemen.
11:20Ha! Fell right into my trap, didn't you?
11:23And why don't you have any?
11:24Well, our regulations state that all our firefighters
11:27must wear a helmet for their own protection.
11:29This is a black thing, innit?
11:31What?
11:32Turbans were good enough for my forefathers
11:34to protect their countrymen from the marauding Moogles.
11:36Why aren't they good enough for firemen, eh?
11:38Because they're flammable!
11:42Well, if you think that I'm going to help you
11:45discriminate against my Sikh brothers,
11:47then you are sorely mistaken.
11:49Sasri Akal!
11:51Hello?
11:52Yeah.
11:53I'd like the Punjabi ambulance service, please.
11:56So?
11:57So what?
11:58So your son hates you so much that he's leaving you to die of exposure?
12:02Mm-hmm.
12:03Mm-hmm.
12:04No.
12:05My son knows how much I hate you.
12:06So he's letting you die of exposure in order to make me happy.
12:08Well, my son is making me very happy by ensuring that you die a very horrible and slow and painful death,
12:15your breath freezing in your lungs until they are nothing but two useless blocks of ice.
12:20My son will take great pleasure in knowing that bits of you will freeze solid and turn gangrass
12:27and drop off like leaves from a overweight badly blessed.
12:33two useless blocks of ice! My son will take great pleasure in knowing that bits of you
12:43will freeze solid and turn gangrace and drop off like leaves from a overweight, badly-dressed
12:50dream. I really feel like we've got to know each other, you know, like really connected.
12:56Yeah, me too. It's almost like we can read each other's minds, isn't it? Yeah.
13:05Check, please. So, how big is his dunder?
13:24Oh, I just can't wait to see my precious grandchild. So, have you chosen any names yet?
13:31Oh, there's a few in this book we quite fancy, isn't there, Sunil? Huh?
13:35We both like Ashwin. Ashwin, a real pharmacist's name, isn't it, Jan? Huh?
13:42He likes it. Oh, there's always Rohan. Rohan the doctor. What do you think, Jan?
13:49Well, I prefer it. He's thrilled. What about Rajeev? Rajeev, a prince's name. A dentist prince
13:56with a Mercedes. And then we thought if it's a girl, we'll call it either Lalita or Bharti.
14:02Oh, Bharti. Oh, a girl. Come on, Betty. Why think so negatively? Huh? Well, why imagine the worst? Huh? Lalita, the lavatory cleaner.
14:17Barati, the buffalo. Oh, ask Sunil. He agrees with me. No.
14:24Boys are forceful and strong. You see, I think that... Shut up.
14:30They are independent and capable. Can I just say... No, you can't, Sunil. I mean, my Sunil's not like that anyway.
14:36You know, he would actually prefer a girl, wouldn't you? Yeah, I don't mind.
14:40You see, what he's trying to say is if you had a girl, he would probably trade you in for a white-hipped virgin from a small village in Patiala.
14:48Why? How could you, Sunil? Yes, how could you, Sunil?
14:52Don't worry. There are lots of old Indian traditional methods you can use that will guarantee you will have a boy.
15:00For example, eat only raw meat and radishes. Never smile at a peacock. Only if it's Tuesday and you're wearing a hat.
15:09Look, Mama, it's not going to make any difference anyway. The sex of the baby's already decided. I mean, I'm seven months gone.
15:15Oh, my God. And I thought it was mostly fat.
15:20Sunil, hot towels and mustard oil. Sunil, go and boil some water. This may be our last chance to have a boy.
15:28Hurry, hurry, go on. I'm really not sure about this. No, no, don't worry, don't worry. A nice boy to make your life easier.
15:35Well, I suppose it might be nice to carry on the proud male tradition in your family, no? Another Sunil.
15:42Oh, yes. Another Sunil.
15:45Ta-da!
15:48Oh, sod it. Come on, get up on one leg, face east and hop.
15:52Why?
15:53I've changed my mind. This way we will definitely have a girl. Come on, hop!
15:58Speed kills. And cars like this one paint a vivid picture of that inescapable truth.
16:12Every day on the roads of Britain, hundreds of cars will end up just like this one.
16:17Terrible coffins of twisted metal.
16:20Yes?
16:21Did you order a cab?
16:23Yes, I did.
16:27This is not it.
16:29Hello, cab 24, POV, POV got him.
16:31Look, I am not getting in this.
16:33Get in.
16:34Right.
16:36Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am the Guru Maharishi Yogi.
16:38Many of you spiritually flaccid Westerners just can't get it up for God.
16:54I like to think of myself as a sort of Viagra for the soul.
16:59A medication for meditation. And for this you don't need a prescription.
17:02Now the truth lies as ever in the wisdom of the ancient Sanskrit texts thousands of years old.
17:10I will translate.
17:12Ekpal, domal or shital.
17:18Ringo, dolak, kabital.
17:23This means all you need is love.
17:27All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
17:33You see, in the West you are surrounded by commercial pressures.
17:37By marketing slogans that don't help you work, rest or play.
17:42And by advertising, some of it subliminal mouthwash.
17:48But how to thwart the avaricious advances of the commercial buggers?
17:53Well, the most important thing is to communicate with oneself.
18:04If one remembers the story of Mur-dok, the Hindu god of sky.
18:11But surrounded by demons, he actually talked to his own soul, saying...
18:17Hang-sang-naas-dek-ya-niki-dow.
18:24Jerry-ginger-has-silly-kaw.
18:29Which means, the future is bright.
18:36The future is orange.
18:40Hello Bhagwan, call you back.
18:42So, in order to help you on your tantric journey, I've developed my own range of products.
18:50You see, it is very important for your soul to be clean.
18:55For your spirit to be pure.
18:58For your chakras to be whiter than white with a meadow-y freshness.
19:01Use Omo, it's biological.
19:04Heavenly.
19:05Also, ashram toothpaste.
19:09It's transcendental.
19:13And finally, reincarnation porlaum.
19:18Mmm, I'll be back.
19:22All these products are available on my website.
19:25www.gurumaharishi.yogi.om
19:27Okay, I cannot tell you anymore.
19:29Time for meditation.
19:30Everybody go om.
19:32Om.
19:33Om.
19:34Om.
19:35Om.
19:36Arist om.
19:43Mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy.
19:44Daddy, daddy, mummy, mummy.
19:46I need to do a poo.
19:48Now, darling, we don't say poo in this house, do we?
19:51I thought we brought you up better than that.
19:53But I need to do one honestly.
19:55Now, come on, darling, remember what we taught you?
19:58Just as the Eskimos have hundreds of different words for snow,
20:02we have thousands of different words for shit.
20:06You have to use the right word.
20:07It's part of your heritage.
20:09But, but, but my poo's poking out right now.
20:12Darling, that concentrate, is it a fuss-fuss?
20:15You know, like loose motions.
20:16The transparent poo that bubbles out in squidgy squirts.
20:20Is it Mandy?
20:22The one that's like minestrone soup and leaves a stain.
20:25Perhaps it's that piece.
20:26Classic.
20:27Yes, the hard poo that falls like boulders
20:28and has fearful backsplash.
20:30Mmm.
20:31Is it woo-woo?
20:32You know, the one that comes in the middle of the night
20:34bringing mayhem and rain.
20:36Mummy, my tummy's hurting.
20:38Oh, poor baby.
20:39Oh, it must be the high-pressure poo.
20:41The one that comes out without warning in public places.
20:44Yeah, no, no, it could be, it could be,
20:45but it could also be pir-pir.
20:46You know, pebble-dashing poo that's ready to unload.
20:49Well, darling, have you decided which one it is?
20:51Doesn't matter.
20:52No, I don't believe it.
20:53Oh, my...
20:54Hey!
20:55That looks just like your Uncle Devinder.
20:56He's on a hopper.
20:57Oh!
20:58Hello, and welcome to Asian Top Gear.
21:00Now, we all know about Italian flair and Japanese reliability,
21:03but what about the Asian motorist?
21:04Well, I'm here at the home of Mr and Mrs Bunny-sar
21:06to find out about their kind of choice.
21:07Hello.
21:08Hello.
21:09Hello.
21:10Hello.
21:11Hello, and welcome to Asian Top Gear.
21:13Now, we all know about Italian flair and Japanese reliability,
21:18but what about the Asian motorist?
21:20Well, I'm here at the home of Mr and Mrs Bunny-sar
21:23to find out about their kind of choice.
21:25Hello.
21:26Hello.
21:27Hello.
21:28Sassariakala.
21:31Sagittarius.
21:33Now, tell us about your wheels.
21:35Can you go?
21:38Yes, of course.
21:40Reliability is important, and economy as well.
21:44How?
21:45Yes.
21:46But the most important thing with a big family like ours is space.
21:50Oh, right-o.
21:51Now, that's why you've chosen an MPV, or people carrier, isn't it?
21:55Let's take a look.
21:58Huh?
22:05What a magnificent beast she is.
22:14Now, tell me, why is this car perfect for the Asian family?
22:18Buddha.
22:20Well, first of all, there is the spacious boot,
22:23which can hold all of these,
22:26especially when we go to the cash and carry.
22:30You stole that in there?
22:32You're pulling me leg, aren't you?
22:34This I must see.
22:37That's it?
22:43This car comes with extras as standard.
22:46Air conditioning, power steering.
22:49No.
22:50Decorative tissue box.
22:53And any board navigation system.
22:56What about safety?
22:58Do you see that air bugs?
23:01No.
23:02In the case of an accident,
23:04the glove compartment dropped the pin.
23:07And we all start praying.
23:09What a charming, pious touch.
23:11Well, the most important thing for us
23:14is that we have a lot of space for the family.
23:17What a charming, pious touch.
23:19Well, the most important thing for us
23:21is that we have a lot of space for the family.
23:25Of course, of course.
23:27And what is the seating capacity?
23:29Twelve.
23:31Wonderful.
23:32And you all travel in total comfort.
23:34Oh-ho!
23:35Oh-ho!
23:51Oh-ho!
23:52I'm going to open it up.
23:53Seekino!
23:58Hey, kids.
23:59What is the cool new game
24:01everyone is talking about?
24:02Four!
24:03A game that tests your skill and nerves.
24:05Ready?
24:06Steady-goo!
24:10That's right, it's battling masses.
24:13See them spin.
24:14Watch them wobble.
24:15Watch them wobble. Round and round and round she goes.
24:19Who she lands on, nobody knows.
24:24It's fun. It's fun.
24:26It's gone in the wrist action.
24:28Go on. Take your auntie out for a spin.
24:31Battling masses.
24:33Sorry, it's not included.
24:39What a brave entry there from the Greeks.
24:42Anyway, next up, it's Dennis, Injun, Charlotte and Vanessa.
24:46They're representing Great Britain in the Eurovision.
24:49It's the Coopers.
24:57We love blighty, high and mighty.
25:05But so need to go to a deep place for me.
25:11Friendly neighbours, post us papers.
25:20Saying, Pucky's out.
25:22And we quite agree.
25:23Because we're British, also British.
25:30Stamp right through like a black boy or a rock.
25:33British, also British.
25:37Talked the police, do a jolly good job.
25:41British, also British.
25:44Called our children, James and John.
25:47British, also British.
25:50British, also British.
25:51We stuck up there in the North, North, North.
25:55The smell of curry makes me sick.
26:06Music, music, music.
26:08I'd rather have some sported dick.
26:13Something, something, something.
26:16My best friend is a pearly queen.
26:21A queen, a queen, a queen.
26:23And I breed whippets in violent green.
26:28Because we're British, also British.
26:34Look at us, we're so well-dressed.
26:38British, also British.
26:41Look, we're sexually repressed.
26:45British, also British.
26:48Sing it loud with all your might.
26:51British, also British.
26:55Leave our fight, cos we're all on a white.
27:06I choose Britannia when I fly.
27:10I fly, I fly, I fly.
27:14Puppies and the Queen Mum make me cry.
27:18Make me cry, make me cry, make me cry.
27:20I must work last, cos I'm rich and fair.
27:25And fair, and fair, and fair.
27:27And I wear ladies underwear.
27:33British, also British.
27:38Look, the cross is on and on.
27:42British, also British.
27:45Set fire to them to keep us warm.
27:48British, also British.
27:52Big Ben and Valerian's gone.
27:56British, also British.
27:59And foreigners can't be for all.
28:04British, also British.
28:05British, also British.
28:06British, also British.
28:07British, also British.
28:08British, also British.
28:09British, also British.
28:10British, also British.
28:11British, also British.
28:12British, also British.
28:13British, also British.
28:14British, also British.
28:15British, also British.
28:16British, also British.
28:17British, also British.
28:18British, also British.
28:19British, also British.
28:20British, also British.
28:21British, also British.
28:22British, also British.
28:23British, also British.
28:24British, also British.
28:25British, also British.
28:26British, also British.
28:27British, also British.
28:28British, also British.
28:29British, also British.
28:30British, also British.
28:31British, also British.
28:32Ah, I know what you've been up to.
28:47Just powdering my nose.
28:50What's the matter?
28:51I bet that, Giza, 20 quid, you was having a shit.
28:59Check, please.
29:02Good night, gracious me.
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