- 7 weeks ago
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FunTranscript
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00:15.
00:27Oh, no, no, no. Not another one of these set-ups. You know I'm not interested in an arranged marriage.
00:44Yes, yes, yes. Shut up a minute. We know how you feel about these things.
00:48That's right. We've taken your view into consideration. We're not going to force you into anything.
00:52So who's in the living room?
00:54All we ask for is compromise, huh? For you to have a little respect for the traditional ways.
01:00Okay, fair enough.
01:01So then, if you won't have an arranged marriage, at least consider an arranged shag.
01:10Pardon?
01:11Yes? We've put an advert in the paper. Professional Hindu Punjabi boys seek suitable girl for no-strings-attached bunk-up.
01:19We've had a lot of responses, but we think this girl is the easiest.
01:24We've met her family, you know, they are very nice people.
01:27And they're quite happy for you to violate their daughter at will.
01:31So go in, talk to her, get to know her a little.
01:35Although that's not really necessary, per fair vie.
01:38I can't do this.
01:40No.
01:41I...
01:42No, you can't.
01:43You have no respect for the traditional ways.
01:46Dekia.
01:47Now you've upset your mother.
01:49She's just trying to do her duty.
01:51We just want to see you happy.
01:52That's right.
01:53And who knows more about your sexuality than your own mother?
01:56Look, I can't sleep with someone I don't even know.
01:58Oh, for...
02:00Once you've slept with her, you can get to know her.
02:04Of course.
02:05Now, go and hump.
02:07Get up.
02:08If you don't like this girl, don't worry, huh?
02:11We've got a list of very loose women who will see you all right, huh?
02:14And after all, what is 30 seconds of your life?
02:16No, no, no, no.
02:17Wait a minute.
02:18You think your Western ways are so perfect, huh?
02:21I know plenty of people whose love shags have ended in disaster.
02:24It's not always orgasm after orgasm, you know.
02:27But what happens if I don't find her attractive?
02:29Did you ever stop to think about that?
02:31Beta, attraction is a very, very complex thing, huh?
02:34There are many different ways in which people can be attracted to each other.
02:38When your father and I were first introduced, well,
02:41there was really no attraction at all.
02:44But then your grandfather gave me some invaluable advice.
02:47What?
02:48He said, my child, what profit is there in looking at the mantelpiece
02:52while you're stoking the fire?
02:55And why bother waking up when you can't even feel the poker?
03:04Good luck, darling.
03:05Do it properly.
03:06Don't forget foreplay.
03:07Okay?
03:08Okay.
03:18Okay.
03:19Are you ready?
03:20Who you're ready?
03:21Oh, you're ready?
03:35Oh, you're ready.
03:39Oh, you're ready.
03:41I'm so ready for you.
03:43Oh, you're ready.
03:45Time goes by
03:54So slow
03:57Time can do so much
04:04On you
04:07I'm still mine
04:17I'm in your love
04:23I'm in your love
04:31If I speak your love
04:35To me
04:42Oh, my Lord
04:49I'm hungry
04:53I'm hungry
04:55Oh, my Lord
05:15I'm hungry
05:17So anyway, I'm absolutely delighted to be here
05:21We're gonna throw it over now to questions
05:23to questions and fire at us with anything you want so many thanks indeed thank you yes sir
05:31just one quick one prime minister have you met my daughter
05:37don't be shy i brought her along because she wants to be prime minister as well
05:41i don't want to be prime minister just be quiet your father is talking to prime minister
05:44i love these old cliff richard films of course you love cliff richard because he's indian
05:58cliff is indian of course born in india so indian came from luck now
06:03also his backing group they weren't indian hey why do you think they were called the shadows
06:09i'm not getting into this let's see what's on the other channel
06:14here we go gone with the wind and before you start i know that vivian lee was born in india okay
06:20sir vivian lee the fellow in this film kina mother clark gable indian no better think look look at his
06:27mustache go to india everybody's got them even the little children all the great actors were indian
06:34cagney indian bogey indian laurence of olivier this is ridiculous oh it's obvious yeah you know like
06:42he said in that richard the third now is the winter of our discontent winter like indian pronounce
06:49don't forget who wrote richard the third oh don't tell me shakespeare was indian is the pope punjabi
06:58let's see what's on channel five
07:00here we go apache indian now he is indian he's not indian budu he's from dudley
07:18attention asian house hunters everywhere before you buy your new house
07:23why not come and look at a bar at home especially for asian homeowners take a look at these features
07:32each living room has at least two nests of tables complete with multi-compartment snack trays
07:40all sofas are finished with beautiful non-removable plastic covers as are the tv and video remote
07:47control and the dining table is pre-set with all the roll-up raffia placemats you'll ever need
07:57notice how the carriage clock does not quite fit in the hallway is elegantly carpeted in the
08:03sumptuous plastic matting the perfect match for these stylish yet practical two-tone plastic strip
08:10doorway curtains the fridges are pre-crammed with all manner of topperware all bedrooms have
08:20wardrobes with a set of very old suitcases on top and the gardens yes completely concrete is over
08:32so don't delay so don't delay order your bar at home today
08:37today
08:44i say shashi veena and sarjita are here it's not shashi it's charlotte and for god's sake get
08:51their names right okay okay okay calm down i know what i am doing
08:55i knew that i knew that
09:06dennis
09:09so nice of you to invite us so nice of you to come
09:13we wouldn't miss the kapoor's barbecue for the vibe pronounced koopa
09:18what perfect weather you've chosen for a barbecue it's simply marvelous if anything it's a little
09:29too hot wouldn't you say dennis well i believe that mad dogs and englishmen go out in the midday sun
09:37and after all my husband is uh an englishman which must make you the man another jug of pimps darling
09:42so sorry old chappy just keeping an eye out for that mad dog you mentioned sounds a bit dangerous
09:58what there is no mad dog dennis it is a line for me song by noel kawad oh i knew that i knew that
10:06but there's all around
10:13so where is that son of yours subash you mean sebastian yes i take it he's turning up to his own
10:22homecoming party hi there here he is i say sebastian come and say hello hello uncle sarjit auntie veena
10:33ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
11:03You're obviously jet-lagged. There's nothing wrong with being Indian
11:12We're the Kapoor's you're the robinternuts
11:18You were born here brought up here we we sent you to a bloody expensive public school
11:23We both thought you were the perfect English gentleman. I'm not English. Yes, I'm across
11:33Whoa, the morris in dancing. I mean you're not fooling anyone. You're serving Pimms with courgettes in it
11:40You haven't even lit the charcoal all that meat is completely raw
11:46Shall we evacuate to your lavatorial conveniences
11:56So as you can see after two hours of reflux of four atmospheres the molecular structure is completely broken down and
12:02Reconfigured itself into a new polymer
12:06Exactly mimicking the actions of human serotonin. Hmm. I could make it at home in ten minutes
12:16Excuse me. I'm sorry. Do you know the way to ask your rose? You want directions? I can give you directions great
12:28So you don't worry you don't worry
12:32I take care of everything
12:34I have got a map if it helps. Ah, give me. Give me. Thanks
12:46Yes, you chat
12:48You don't worry
12:50Don't it don't inside me
12:52Don't worry
12:54I take care of everything
12:56As the crowd celebrates 50 years of independence here in Delhi we at BBC India have managed to get an exclusive interview with both premieres of India and Pakistan
13:09Mr. Good job
13:11Mr. Sharif
13:13Thank you for joining us and as the whole world joins us live by satellite link up
13:18There is one question. I have to ask you both on this historic occasion
13:21Have you met my daughter?
13:23Have you met my daughter?
13:27Ask them something
13:28But I don't want to be a third world leader
13:30She's my Pujilo, she's my Pujilo, Pujilo
13:32Skippindar Skippindar, skippindar
13:53Very good.
13:56Jildy, jildy. Let's get back, get pissed and get laid, eh, y'all?
14:00Oh, no problem. Wait on all that smell.
14:03Give me the way to go.
14:05I'm not drunk.
14:06I think you'd know better, wouldn't you, Skip?
14:08He's on the Jack Daniels. What do you expect?
14:10It won't last long, Mr. Kawali, if you go walking around on the road.
14:13Put me down.
14:14No, go up in the bush where you belong.
14:16Yeah, tubby.
14:17Aye, son of a glassy fella, eh?
14:18Yeah, get your own, you cheap.
14:20Let go with him, Skip. What did you say?
14:23I told him I was going to stick that Jack Daniels bottle up his fat, fluffy arse.
14:27That sounds pretty strong language, Skip.
14:29Better not let Daddy talking like that.
14:31Come on, I'll wash your back.
14:34Babes and boos, to the right. Turn right.
14:39Ha! Fooled you, you tubby, my lord.
14:43Why it's me more bar taps. Why it's me more bar taps.
14:47You're twenty.
14:49Dear roadhogs, hope you crash upside down.
14:56Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
14:58You nearly squished my uncle, you stupid pillock.
15:02What's that tubby kid?
15:04Now for the vodka.
15:07All right, mate.
15:08Whoa, there's a bit of a mess in it.
15:10What a new drink.
15:11Come on, mate, where's the booze?
15:12Must be around here somewhere.
15:14Okay, fine.
15:16Be like that.
15:17Come in, eh?
15:19There's dirt in your eye.
15:21Now what are you going to do now, Charles Atlas?
15:27Go and get help.
15:28It'll take me an hour.
15:29Skip, you can do it in a few minutes.
15:31Skippin'd it to you?
15:34Ow!
15:35What are you nuts?
15:36That bloody hurts.
15:37Go on, Skip. Find Dad.
15:39Yeah, you could have told me that instead of sticking a big splinter in my teeth.
15:45I'm not heading back there.
15:46Nearest off license.
15:47That's my game.
15:48I've got to sink a couple of jars and I'm going to twat that kid over there with the biggest dick I could find.
15:52What's that?
15:56Oh, bollocks.
15:58Skippy?
15:59No.
16:00Henry Kissinger.
16:01Go on, go on, go on, Skip.
16:02Your son stabbed me.
16:03Look at that.
16:04Gently, gently.
16:05Yeah, stupid, innit?
16:06I couldn't understand it neither.
16:07I really love you, man.
16:08You're my best friend.
16:09Don't drop me.
16:10Look out, Dad.
16:11I can fly.
16:12Super room.
16:15Good on you, Skip.
16:16Now, push the rope.
16:18There was two of them here.
16:19I'll take this one.
16:20Concentrate, concentrate.
16:21Look at the glory and the plop.
16:22I can't see the egg.
16:24That's what you need.
16:26Any kind of one of these?
16:27You are against everybody.
16:28You're against your butt.
16:29You're against everybody.
16:30You're against everybody.
16:31That's not your butt.
16:32Oh, you're against everybody.
16:34Yeah.
16:35That's not your mother.
16:36I'm against you.
16:37I'm against you.
16:38You're against you.
16:39and the plonks.
16:43Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your beers.
16:47Did you get it?
16:48Oh, you miserable kid.
17:00In Bali, there is shakar pie.
17:03Indian.
17:09Oh, this temple is massive, man, massive.
17:15It is fierce, man.
17:17It makes you think, innit?
17:19It makes you think, like, what we're doing here.
17:22Yeah.
17:23Well, that is, like, the eternal question, man.
17:26What are we doing here on this earth, innit?
17:28No, no, no, man.
17:29I mean, like, what we're doing here.
17:32It's Diwali, innit?
17:34What do you mean exactly, man?
17:36Diwali, man, the festival.
17:37Do you know what a festival is?
17:39Kiss my chuggies, man.
17:40Ain't no fool.
17:43Is it like Glastonbury?
17:45Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
17:47Bit like Glastonbury, right?
17:48But instead of bands, you get gods.
17:50Oh, festival with gods.
17:53That's why we're here.
17:55Man, that's why we're here, but that ain't why we're here.
17:58Like, on the earth, what it's all about on a religion tip.
18:00Know what I mean?
18:01No, man.
18:02Listen up while I educate you.
18:04Our religion, right, is about the wheel of life.
18:07The eternal cycle.
18:09You're born.
18:11You live.
18:12You die.
18:13You're reincarnated and you start again.
18:15Whoa.
18:17Now, man.
18:19Reincarnation, man?
18:20It's like being re-released in a new format.
18:23I know where you're coming from.
18:26Say I'm like a 12-inch jungle track, right?
18:29On vinyl, right?
18:30Yeah, yeah.
18:31Spinning on the eternal wheels of steel.
18:32Yeah, yeah, yeah.
18:33Then the gods, right, they check your mix.
18:35And if they find it holy and massive, right,
18:37they re-release you as the CD.
18:40Whoa.
18:41What happens if they don't like jungle, man?
18:44Man, then you come back as a Peter Andre tape in a car boot
18:47selling for escape, man.
18:49Whoa, whoa, whoa.
18:50What happens then?
18:51Right then, the wheel right goes round and round and round
18:53until you've got, like, the totally perfect mix,
18:55the ultimate groove,
18:57and then you reach the highest, most massive level of enlightenment.
18:59CD room.
19:01Room.
19:02Room.
19:03Room.
19:04That's deep, man.
19:05It is the answer to the eternal question of why we are here, man.
19:08No, man.
19:09Of course it is, man.
19:10Now, I don't understand what I'm here.
19:12Why not?
19:13Because I'm Muslim.
19:15I've got a surprise for you.
19:29Oh, yeah?
19:30Oh, my God, Barbados.
19:35But that's so expensive.
19:37I don't care.
19:38Just you and me and the honeymoon suite,
19:40drinking cocktails,
19:42going down to the beach and swimming,
19:44and making love underneath the stars.
19:48Love?
19:50I can make it at home for nothing.
19:53All I need is a small aubergine.
19:56Indian.
19:57Indian.
19:58Indian.
19:59Indian.
20:00Indian.
20:01Indian.
20:02Indian.
20:03Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
20:04May I say how honored I am to be at this world symposium
20:07for the mutual understanding of Transcendental Collective Consciousness.
20:08This thing.
20:09May I also say what a deeply penetrating pleasure it is to be able to pass off on my divine knowledge
20:14to you, spiritually flatulent Westerners.
20:15Now, as you may know, Hinduism is a fascinating network of
20:19philosophies, legends, and nice tunes.
20:47Also enmeshed by gurus such as myself.
20:51You're welcome.
20:54I will now take the first question.
20:56Uh, Guruji, could you tell us about the elephant god Ganesh?
21:00Yeah, right.
21:03Okay.
21:04Well, this is a wonderful story.
21:08Magical and uplifting.
21:11I will translate from the original Sanskrit.
21:14Maratha, a prantha.
21:21Or a can of Fanta.
21:24You see, uh, he had a trunk like an elephant.
21:31Ears.
21:32Same.
21:33Like an elephant.
21:34Ears.
21:35Same.
21:36Like an elephant.
21:37His ears were very big.
21:38You see.
21:39Because he was a god.
21:40You see.
21:41And all the other elephants, gods, used to laugh at him.
21:44And there was a little mouse that lived in his head.
21:46Right?
21:47With a magic pheasant.
21:48Aww.
21:49Like that.
21:50And then there was a crows.
21:51And they'd just been done seeing about anything since they saw an elephant fly.
21:54And everything was of the very noise.
21:58Next question.
22:00Well, what about Hanuman?
22:03Hanuman.
22:04Monkey god, right?
22:08Right, right, right.
22:10Right.
22:11Well, this is also a fascinating paraben.
22:13That shows us the need to discover our inner journey.
22:17And also other stuff.
22:25Amitav na bachan.
22:29Staski na hachan.
22:33Maduri maduri cholika nachchan.
22:38You see, uh, uh, he was, uh, leader of the monkeys.
22:42He was the king of the swingers, in fact.
22:45And, um, and he, and he said, he, he, he kidnapped the, the Mowgli.
22:51Sita.
22:54He said.
22:55Mradangam na bhajao.
22:59Halwa na bhajao.
23:03Which means.
23:05Ooh, ooh, ooh.
23:07I want to be like you, ooh, ooh.
23:11Ooh.
23:12And, uh, and also, also there was the Shere Khan, and, and the not yet Baloo.
23:18And, and the vulture from the Liverpool, and everything was very nice.
23:22Hang on.
23:23That's a good meditation.
23:24Oh.
23:30We interrupt this broadcast to bring you historic news.
23:3220 minutes ago, just 20 minutes, an alien spacecraft from another planet landed here on Earth.
23:37We take you now live to the contact point, just outside Milton Keynes, where our reporter has the historic duty to be the first person to speak to the leader of the alien mission.
23:47Alien leader.
23:49Welcome to Earth.
23:50Have you met my daughter?
23:56Wait.
23:57Just talk to her, will you?
23:58I don't want to be an alien.
23:59Don't listen.
24:00She's young.
24:01She doesn't know what she wants.
24:02My papi always told me about when my time don't come.
24:15I should marry a little lady, just like my dear old mom.
24:19So I look real hard for a woman with a stutter and mustache.
24:24When I saw my mean love done hit me like a flash.
24:28Well, I walked into the party, and I saw Deb standing there.
24:33With his mobile in his pocket, and blonde highlights in his hair.
24:38I thought, there's a guy who's modern, not some backward big can do.
24:42And then he helped my coach when I drank too much and threw up in the loom.
24:47That's right, we chose each other, we did it all for love.
24:51No matchmakers or pundits, come something stars above.
24:56We catnulled chicken and trout, dance round bushes in the rain.
25:01We did it on our own, and yes, we'd do it all again.
25:09Married quick and moved into a clammy maisonette.
25:13She was gourmet in the kitchen, and the greedy pig in bed.
25:17Oh, stop.
25:18And then she started working in some fancy big time job.
25:22She told me, there's the microwave, you can find your own damn knob.
25:27He caught me, cut the circuit, and whisper in my ear.
25:31But now he breaks wind over dinner, and talks hard to his beer.
25:36If I ask him stuff, he calls me a nag, I say nothing, I'm just dumb.
25:40You're dumb.
25:41I look at my wedding photos, and I wonder where I've gone.
25:45That's right, we chose each other, we did just what we pleased.
25:49No interfering aunties or marriage agencies.
25:54We didn't knock on wood or dance from bush heads in the rain.
26:00We did it on our own, and we'd never do it all again.
26:04I can't talk to my mammy, and she says I chose my fate.
26:10I could have had my pick of girls, but now it's much too late.
26:14Well, I couldn't tell my family, you see I've got my pride.
26:19Couldn't cope with all they told you so, so my heartbreak I must hide.
26:23Why don't you kiss me anymore?
26:26I'd rather have a sneer.
26:28Why don't you wear that chicken outfit that applied so dear?
26:32Why don't you give me cuddles?
26:34It's like shagging a porcupine.
26:36Why won't anybody warn you that your love can sometimes die?
26:41That's right, we chose each other, we did it all for love.
26:46And cause of that our families think we got what we deserve.
26:50And we never did no dancing round those bushes in the rain.
26:55And we did it on our own.
26:58Now I'm on my own.
27:00Yes, I'm on my own.
27:01We're on our own again.
27:07Get along.
27:08Get along.
27:09Get along.
27:10Let me talk to me.
27:20Let me talk to you.
27:23Let me talk to you.
27:40Bollocks!
28:06Goodness gracious me!
28:10...
28:20...
28:23...
28:26...
28:32...
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