- 2 days ago
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00:00Good night, gracious me!
00:30Ciao, man, this is total bestie, man. Only little kids do the nativity play, innit?
00:36Listen, man, the Hounslow Multicultural Interfaith Youth Community Centre nativity play is like a rasmalite turkey shoot of biblical proportions.
00:44That's because they look like turkeys, innit?
00:47Watch your mouth, man. You're talking about a girl I might be forced to marry one day, innit?
00:51But, geezer, we always play the three wise men, innit?
00:57So?
00:58I want to play something else, like a shepherd or Jesus or something. The three wise men are boring, man.
01:05Oh, come and die, man. You have given the honour and proud heritage of a noble people, innit?
01:10What are you talking about, man?
01:13The three wise men came from the East, right?
01:15Right.
01:16War turbans, right?
01:17Right.
01:18They was Punjabi.
01:23What?
01:24You came from Jalunda, man.
01:25Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:30How do you figure that one out?
01:32Check this, man.
01:33Yeah.
01:34Three strange geezers turn up at a kiddies party with no invitation.
01:42They bring along crappy presents like gold, frankincense and myrrh. What's a little baby gonna do with that?
01:47Just because they bought crappy presents don't mean nothing, man.
01:51All right.
01:52What presents did you get last year?
01:53Uh, well, I got a three-piece suit made out of mirrors.
01:59I got a blessing for my holy man who looked like Don King.
02:03And, uh, and a tank top with leg holes.
02:07And who gave you them presents?
02:08My Uncle Preetham.
02:09And where's he from?
02:10Jalunda.
02:11Oh, my God.
02:17So, so, so why is it cool to be a wise man then, man?
02:21You bindle.
02:22If you look in the Bible, the gold, frankincense and myrrh are never mentioned again.
02:26That is because the three wise Punjabis took it back with them.
02:29And opened up the world's first ever cash and carry.
02:31Wicked.
02:32Which is the first example of legendary Asian business acumen and international fraud, innit?
02:36Oh, serious, man.
02:38Yes.
02:39Hey, I can't wait to wear the wise men.
02:42I ain't playing a wise man.
02:44What are you talking about, man?
02:46Bindia is playing Mary.
02:48So, naturally, I'll be playing Joseph, know what I mean?
02:54Kiss my chuddy, man.
03:00I don't want to be playing the three wise men all on my own.
03:05OK, OK.
03:07Listen up, everyone.
03:08The casting for the play is as follows.
03:12Bindia.
03:13You will play Mary.
03:14Cha, Bindia.
03:16The part of Joseph will be played by Juggie.
03:20Juggie.
03:22Juggie.
03:23The three wise men will be played by Asif, Mwangi and Nitin.
03:28I...
03:30Oh, and you two.
03:31You can play the donkey.
03:34Sorry.
03:35Kiss my furry chuddies, man.
03:36This is like a cat-top with leg arms all over again.
03:39Juggie.
03:40Juggie.
03:41I should be ready in about half an hour.
03:42You can wait if you like.
03:43I'll just pop next door and get this done.
03:45Yeah, why next door?
03:46Oh, it's the stereo.
03:47The rewind's broken.
03:48Ah, that'll be your servo motor, mate.
03:49We can fix it.
03:50Oh, you've got an audio department.
03:51Yeah, no problem.
03:52Oh, great, yeah.
03:54Round once!
03:58You know, fingers, Spit Hoo!
04:03He's gotta die.
04:04Okay, thank you.
04:07Whateverle, shut up.
04:11Even though we've only just met, I feel like I know everything about you.
04:21One more time!
04:23Oh, why do you think that is?
04:24Because I've been watching you through a telescope for months, innit?
04:32Check, please.
04:48Your pickles, sir.
04:53Hello, my son.
05:03What are you up to?
05:06Hi, Dad.
05:06Hi, Mum.
05:07Filling out my university clearance forms.
05:09We've got to choose by tomorrow.
05:10Oh, my son is such a big boy now.
05:14Ah, the responsibilities of adulthood comes to all of us.
05:18Well, you know what your father and I want for you.
05:20Yeah, Mum, Dad, why don't you take a seat?
05:23There's a couple of things I've got to talk to you about.
05:26Look, I know it's important to you and it's what you want, but it's not what I want.
05:32You don't mean...
05:33Yes.
05:34I don't want to be a pop star.
05:36Oh, God.
05:37I want to be a doctor.
05:39Never.
05:40How can you do this to us?
05:41Are you trying to murder us?
05:43Look, son, it's just not right these days for an Indian boy to be a doctor.
05:52Haven't you heard?
05:53Asians are cool these days.
05:56Doctors are square, beta.
05:59Also lawyers, accountants, tobacconists.
06:02I like medicine.
06:03Oh, please.
06:04Come sing with me.
06:05Brim full of asher on the...
06:07I want to be a consultant neurologist.
06:16Oh, please.
06:16At least consider another branch of show business.
06:19Have you tried stand-up comedy?
06:21A highly amusing sketch show?
06:23No.
06:24Look, you can't force me.
06:25It's my life.
06:26I don't want to be like all my cousins.
06:28We've got enough singer-songwriters and comedy actors in the family without me being one.
06:32I'm going to medical school and you can't stop me.
06:34Okay, beta, at least live it up a bit, hein?
06:37Here, have a toot on this Moroccan black.
06:38No.
06:40Please?
06:41No.
06:42Acid?
06:42No.
06:42Cocaine?
06:43I'm not interested in drugs.
06:44Okay, do what you want.
06:46I can't take any more of this.
06:48How will I tell the family that I will never see my son on the Pepsi chart show?
06:52Oh, Blue Peter.
06:54Oh, God, the shame of it.
06:56I wish I was dead.
06:57Next, he'll be telling us he's not gay.
06:59Uh, that's the other thing.
07:04Would you like a present, little boy?
07:06You would?
07:07Well, perhaps if you ask nicely, my elves will take you into their grotto and sort you out.
07:13In your dreams, very small buddy.
07:18G'day.
07:19Welcome to Rav's Animal Hospital.
07:21Today we're going to go into the operating theatre to see how our top surgeons are going
07:25on with fixing that little pap's paw.
07:36Help me, please, help!
07:38Oh, well, you've come to the right place, sister.
07:41Welcome to the Women of Colour Shanty Azadi Dropping Lounge.
07:44My name's Asinta.
07:45Oh, shut up!
07:46Look, my husband's after me.
07:47Yes, I might have guessed.
07:49Is he stifling you with his phallocentric patriarchal hate crimes?
07:53No, he chased me out of the house with a big knife.
07:55Look at that!
07:56He's coming this way!
07:57OK, just pull up a beanbag and we'll take a few details.
08:00But he'll be here any second.
08:02Mm, and in Indian time, that's about half an hour, isn't it, sister?
08:10Now, your husband.
08:11Well, he's six foot two, an ex-boxer with a very bad temper.
08:14Hurry up!
08:14Is he of your people?
08:16Do you share the same mother soil?
08:18Well, yes.
08:19But what's that got to do with anything?
08:21Hmm, and this knife he had,
08:23it wasn't in any way a ceremonial dagger, was it?
08:26Well, the handle was covered in blood
08:28and it had a sharp pointy tip.
08:29I don't know, I didn't look.
08:30Well, it's just a bit of a traditional implement.
08:32It comes under cultural practice
08:34and I can't interfere.
08:35What?
08:36Well, you see, it might be something I know nothing about.
08:39You know, like dowry disputes and female infibulation.
08:42The things that make you different.
08:44And special.
08:45Are you mad?
08:47He's going to kill me.
08:48Well, I'm sorry, but I can't help you
08:50because I might be culturally oppressing you.
08:53Listen, you stupid bint.
08:55There is nothing traditional about being
08:57hounded, abused and tortured to death.
08:59Do you know, it's funny
09:00because I had a burning bride in here yesterday
09:02who said exactly the same thing.
09:03Spooky.
09:04Oh, my God, he's here.
09:11Well, thanks for nothing, sister.
09:14Where is she?
09:15I'm sorry, I'm unable to...
09:16Tell me!
09:17I'm unable to...
09:18You know, your parents must be very beautiful people.
09:29Oh.
09:30Because he often skips a generation, isn't he?
09:36Check, please.
09:41And voila!
09:43Monkey's head on a bed of saffron rice.
09:44Oh, my God.
09:45No.
09:46How about just the eyes in a bun?
09:50Very well, very well.
09:51Nut cutlets all round.
09:54That's better, thank you.
09:55That's a bit more like it.
09:57Made with genuine monkey's nuts.
10:00Oh, all the more for me, then.
10:03Hello, and welcome to holiday.
10:10This week, we're looking at holidays for the Asian family.
10:13We sent the sinners on a camping trip to North Wales.
10:17So, how have you found Life Under Canvas?
10:20Oh, very nice.
10:21Very comfortable.
10:22Yes, the camping purists might even say a little too comfortable.
10:27Well, it's pretty basic.
10:28We'll have to make do when we're on holiday.
10:32Oh, excuse me.
10:33I think I have a fax coming through.
10:35Fax machine?
10:37Business doesn't stop just because you're on holiday.
10:40And with his idiot brother in charge, anything could happen.
10:43He's not an idiot.
10:44The doctor says so.
10:47He's not an idiot.
10:47I know him well.
10:48I'm not an idiot.
10:49Surely, sir.
10:49Yeah, how have the kids responded to this relaxing environment?
10:54Oh, very well.
10:55They're on level five on Doom.
10:58But what happens about getting back to basics?
11:01Sleeping under the stars and...
11:03Excuse me.
11:04My father was a top civil servant in Lahore.
11:06I sleep under a duvet.
11:08Do we make our contractibles to you?
11:09So, what's the point of going camping?
11:11You might as well have stayed at home.
11:13Rubbish.
11:13We don't get room service at home.
11:16Oh!
11:16That's all for now.
11:21And next week, the Bansill family go rambling in the Pennines.
11:27Beep, beep.
11:29Beep.
11:34Calling ex-colonials.
11:35England is swinging and England needs you.
11:38So get with the groove, dusky cats.
11:40Pack those bags and make like the Beatles.
11:42Get your ticket to ride on the adventure of your lives.
11:44Take it away, fun jubbies.
11:55Well, I was farming in Jalunda when I heard the news
11:58That England really needed us to clear its blues
12:01So I packed my funky juffles and I sold my gold
12:04And said, let's find the groovy streets paved with gold
12:07So we landed up in Heathrow in a thunderstorm
12:10No Irish blacks or dogs, the bed-sit window-worns
12:13The skin had said they'd put us in an ambulance
12:16But this is swinging Britain, so we may as well dance
12:19When he's to a bed, let's all do the twist
12:22Burning crosses in your garden, let's all do the twist
12:25Children, find you funny, let's all do the twist
12:28You sold my half for money, let's all do the twist
12:31You do the mashed potato like you just don't care
12:34London may be swinging, but we don't know where
12:36I told the men in suits I had a PhD
12:45They gave me job in hospital, warping up weed
12:48Where's the new arrivals that they promised us?
12:52Cause now I drive a number 47 bus
12:54I'm writing all my letters and we're doing fine
12:57We live next door to Twiggy, she pops in all the time
13:00It was not what we expected, if only Mama knew
13:03The only beetles that I meet are insects in my loo
13:06Let's all do the twist
13:09Eat up from the jelly, let's all do the twist
13:12You can't buy chilies anywhere, let's all do the twist
13:15You invest in them along to well, let's all do the twist
13:18You do the funky chicken like you just don't care
13:21London may be swinging, but we don't know where
13:24Party down the king's road, let's all do the twist
13:38The prisoners on the jelly, let's all do the twist
13:41Mini suing wheelies, let's all do the twist
13:44How could we have missed it?
13:46We were doing the twist
13:47So
14:00So
14:02So
14:02So
14:04So
14:05What?
14:07So
14:07I hear your son is thinking of marrying a white girl
14:10Hmm?
14:13No, no, no, no, no
14:14You know, you really shouldn't listen to the gossip you hear
14:17Down the pub
14:19My son is very traditional
14:21We are going to arrange his marriage to an Indian girl of the same caste
14:26Oh, really?
14:27Well, my son has asked me to arrange his marriage to an Indian girl of the same caste in India
14:33Oh, really?
14:35And we're going to have to have a science certificate of virginity from her gynecologist
14:38Oh
14:39Well, laddie daddie
14:41My son will, of course, not only marry an Indian girl of the same caste in India
14:46But she will have to come from my grandmother's village in the middle of nowhere
14:51Where there is no satellite television, no running water
14:54And the only man in a 200-mile radius is a 95-year-old leper
14:58And we will need to see signed photographs of her hymen
15:03Oh, really?
15:06Well, my son's wife will not come from her village at all
15:09No, she will have been raised in the jungle by wolves
15:11And will have never seen a human being
15:13She will sleep in trees and smell very bad like a dog
15:16Well, bully for you
15:21My son's wife will be a hideous ape-like creature from the Indus Valley
15:25With a slurping forehead, thick body hair and wonky teeth
15:29She will live in ditches, feeding on grubs and berries
15:33And she will bear him a huge litter of pups
15:37Old boys
15:38Well, how big is her?
15:40Huge!
15:40I get it
15:49This isn't about not-for-you
15:50This is about the colour of my skin
15:52Well, I've got news for you, matey
15:53Christmas is supposed to be a time for goodwill towards all men
15:56Including brown ones
15:57Or is it just a white Christmas you're dreaming of, you Nazi bully boy?
16:01Oh, all right, all right
16:03Want an education?
16:10Want at least three years away from home
16:13And don't want to waste your time doing any arty-farty course like history?
16:16Then why not try the Asian University?
16:20We have all the traditional courses
16:23Accountancy, engineering, medicine
16:26Accountancy
16:28Plus all the courses tailor-made for the modern Asian students
16:33The seven-year business degree
16:35For those who are killing time before they join the family business
16:38The special three-year non-clinical medical degree
16:41For those girls whose parents don't actually want them to practice
16:45And of course, the 13-year management degree
16:49For the really thick student who still wants to say
16:53I went to college
16:54On the social side, we have the first-year Asian society
17:01Which in the second year splits violently into the Sikh society
17:05The Hindu society
17:06And the Muslim society
17:08And in the third year, it becomes
17:10Who gives a toss? Let's take the bar
17:13I really love you
17:15Society
17:15But best of all, we send you out into the world
17:19Having learnt the real value of education
17:21That pharmacy is better than law
17:24Accountancy is better than engineering
17:26And medicine is better than anything else you can think of
17:30The Asian University
17:32The Asian University
17:33Formerly known as the Slough College of Technology
17:35And on Christmas Eve
17:55I soar up into the sky
17:57In my big red magic sleigh
18:00And fly right around the world
18:01With my enormous bundle of presents
18:04Yes
18:06But how big is his dundah?
18:16Daddy, is Santa Claus really coming tonight?
18:19Yes, yes, Betty
18:19Now let's get you all tucked up
18:21And I'll tell you the story of Father Christmas
18:23Now every Christmas Eve
18:25Santa loads up his sled with presents
18:27That his little elves have been busy making all year long
18:29Then he hitches up his reindeer
18:30Flies from his grotto in Jalandhar
18:32To deliver gifts
18:33On his grotto?
18:35Jalandhar
18:35Then he flies on
18:37But I thought Santa lives in the North Pole
18:39India
18:40Father Christmas Indian
18:42Think about it, yaar
18:43Big beard, huge belly, terrible suit Indian
18:46Daddy
18:47Then he calls out to his reindeer
18:49On the winder
18:50On Baljeet Singh
18:51But what about Rudolph?
18:53Ranjeet
18:54You know like
18:55Ranjeet the red-nosed reindeer
18:57Had a very shiny knuck
18:58Chop
18:59And all the little pixies
19:01Had to clean up the muck
19:03Santa shat in the chimney
19:05It really blocked up the flu
19:07And the following Christmas
19:08The whole family turned Hindu
19:10In tonight's World in Focus
19:18We reveal the brutal victimisation
19:21Taking place
19:22Amongst Britain's urban Asian youth
19:24So Dev
19:27Seema
19:28And Raj
19:29Not your real names
19:30When did the harassment begin?
19:33Well
19:33When I was a
19:35Kid at school
19:36You know
19:36The other kids
19:37Yeah
19:38Being
19:39Teased
19:40Pushed around
19:41I mean
19:43I knew quite early on
19:44That I was, you know
19:44Different, yeah
19:45Yeah
19:46Yeah
19:47But was there one particular event
19:49Which made you realise
19:50That you were being victimised?
19:52Yeah
19:52In the playground
19:54Some of the other Asian kids
19:56Were talking about
19:57What they'd done
19:57On their holidays
19:58Oh God, yeah
19:59Most of them had taken
20:00Sort of day trips
20:01With six other families
20:02And an uncle's
20:03Dats and Sonny
20:03And I just happened to mention
20:06That I'd gone to Verbier
20:07For a spot of skiing
20:08And that was it
20:10They knew that I was
20:12Middle class
20:14So ashamed
20:15They made fun of you
20:17Yeah
20:19I mean
20:20I tried telling them
20:21That having access
20:22To winter sports
20:22Shouldn't make me any different
20:23But
20:23You all right
20:26Yeah
20:26Um
20:27Well, yeah
20:29But I mean
20:29I got found out
20:30Because of my clothes
20:31I mean
20:31You know
20:33It was easier
20:33For guys to fit in
20:35You know
20:35A bit of brill cream
20:36And a naff tank top
20:37And they can get away with it
20:38But
20:39You know
20:40I just couldn't wear anything
20:42With
20:42Tassels
20:44Or large print flowers
20:45Because it
20:45Just might be physically sick
20:48I can imagine
20:50My accent gave me away
20:52Yes
20:53I first got beaten up
20:54When I mispronounced
20:55In it
20:56So where did this feeling
20:58Of shame come from?
21:00Well
21:00It's like you're not authentic
21:02You know
21:03Right
21:04Unless you
21:04Live in a council flat
21:06And use wicked
21:07As an indiscriminate adjective
21:08Yeah
21:09I mean
21:09I blame the media
21:10You know
21:11On programmes like The Bill
21:12And
21:12You know
21:13All those documentaries
21:14About sweatshops
21:15I mean
21:15What role models do we have?
21:17Well
21:17There isn't anybody
21:18Oh
21:19Apart from
21:20Side Jaffray
21:22Side Jaffray
21:22Yeah
21:22So guys
21:24The future
21:25How long do you think
21:27You can put up
21:27With this harassment
21:28And deception?
21:30I've considered
21:31Ending it all
21:34And
21:34Moving back to Guildford
21:37Just to feel safe again
21:40And
21:41You know
21:42Be myself
21:44Yeah
21:45Yeah
21:45Yeah
21:45I mean
21:46I'm planning to
21:46Fail business studies
21:48Retakes again
21:48This summer
21:49You know
21:49Just to
21:49Keep in with the guys
21:51You know
21:52What can you do?
21:54Seema?
21:55Well
21:56I've
21:56I really
21:57Oh god
21:58There's some girls
21:58From my tutorial
21:59Coming over
22:00Got a go
22:01Got a go everybody
22:02Yeah
22:02See you
22:03Bindus
22:03Lighter
22:04In it
22:04Eh
22:04Stipe
22:06Cuddy
22:06Brrraa
22:08Mayor
22:13This is
22:13Houston
22:14How are the
22:14Repairs on the
22:15Solar panel
22:16Progressing
22:16Try the music signals again
22:45They're not responding
22:54We try every kind of
22:55Communication signal
22:55We can think of
22:56Do you mind if I try something?
22:58Jack
23:06Jack
23:06Jack
23:07Jack
23:07Jack
23:09Jack
23:10Jack
23:11Jack
23:12Jack
23:13Jack
23:14Jack
23:15Jack
23:16Jack
23:17Jack
23:18Jack
23:19Jack
23:20Jack
23:21Where did you come from?
23:23What did you do?
23:25How did you do it?
23:27What did you do?
23:29What did you do?
23:31What did you do?
23:37It's not like India.
23:39In this country when people get old, they lock them up.
23:41They exclude them from society.
23:43I don't agree with that.
23:45That's why I'm here with you, isn't it?
23:51Check, please.
23:57The little town of Bangalore
24:01can still be just delight.
24:07Hello, Sister. How can I help?
24:09Hello, Miss.
24:11Is this the Women's Advice Centre?
24:13No, this is the Women of Color Shanti-Azardi drop-in lounge.
24:17Please, call me a cinta, if you're able.
24:19Hello, Jacinta.
24:21Please, sit down.
24:23Or maybe you'd like to squat.
24:25We do have a Pakistani birthing chair available
24:29for all our Women of Color visitors, if you wish.
24:31Well, that's...
24:35Thank you. Now, my husband...
24:37Ah, I thought it might be your husband.
24:39I can see the pain of many generations of oppressed women in your eyes.
24:43Actually, it's this chair. It's not very comfy.
24:47You're in denial, aren't you?
24:49It's okay, I understand. It's a cultural thing, isn't it?
24:51Is it?
24:53Yes, and I know, because I did a course
24:55called Guilt and Simpering in the Asian Female.
24:57It was a sandwich course.
24:59Or should I say...
25:01...samosa course.
25:03I was reaching you there through sort of shared ethnic references.
25:07Uh-huh.
25:09Now, tell me.
25:11Have you ever made friends with your cervix?
25:13Oh, beg your pardon, then?
25:15Well, it could be the key that unlocks you
25:17down-trodden backward prison.
25:19Now, come on. Pop your legs up here.
25:21We'll both say hello to your feminine flower.
25:23Get your hands off me!
25:25Oh, come on. Don't fight it.
25:27I know you Asian ladies have a low pain threshold.
25:29Oh!
25:31What do you do that for, sister?
25:33Firstly, I am not your sister.
25:35Secondly, where is my office?
25:37I'm your new supervisor.
25:39It's that door on the left, sister.
25:41That's Mrs. Singh to you.
25:43I'm sorry.
25:45I'm sorry, Mrs. Singh.
25:47You frigid cat.
25:53Good king, my...
25:55When Gutter Ravan looked out on the feet...
25:57...you jumped!
25:59Nika nika!
26:01What?
26:03What?
26:05Harry Christian, Harry Christian, Harry Christian, Harry Christian, Harry Harry...
26:11Excuse me.
26:13Would you like to take a leaflet?
26:15Why? What is it?
26:16Shows you how you could join our group.
26:18What group?
26:19Who are you?
26:21We are the Harry Christians.
26:23Pompey diocese.
26:24Hooray!
26:25We have renounced our materialistic Indian ways...
26:27...and we now make quince jab, go to garden parties, and follow...
26:30...Live Richard!
26:32Yes, ma'am!
26:34Darling Richard!
26:35I both have the time, alright?
26:38Would you like to make a contribution to our church roof fund?
26:42No, I'm kidding.
26:43I'm in a hurry, and I'm Parsi.
26:45Ah, we accept all fits into our church.
26:47Come on, join us.
26:48Put on our sandals.
26:49Put on a tank top.
26:50Just get away from me, you weirdos, okay?
26:52I don't want anything to do with your religion or your ridiculous clothes.
26:55I mean, if you like Guildford so much, why don't you just go and live there, move?
26:58And peace on you too!
27:00Come on, everyone!
27:01Happy Christian!
27:02Happy Christian!
27:03Happy Christian!
27:04Happy Christian!
27:05Happy Christian!
27:06Happy Christian!
27:07Happy Christian!
27:10Allow me.
27:14Oh, you get it.
27:18Mmm.
27:19You've gone for ages.
27:21I thought you'd run off and left me.
27:23I was having a dump, innit?
27:28You got any bog roll on you?
27:31Check, please.
27:41Meow, pussy cats.
27:44Yeah, it's me, Smita Smitten, showbiz kitten, again.
27:48Now, I know the last time you saw me, I was a drug-addled, alcoholic, manic-depressive.
27:53And that's how I got this job on BBC, too.
27:57So, prrrr, pussy cats.
27:58Your favourite kitten is presenting a big, important news programme.
28:02And today, I'm sniffing bottoms with none other than the Indian and Pakistani defence ministers.
28:09Hi, boys. How's it hanging?
28:11Good evening.
28:12Good evening.
28:13Now, to serious business.
28:14India and Pakistan are currently engaged in a nuclear race which threatens to engulf the whole of Southeast Asia in a holocaust of destruction.
28:25And the question on everybody's lips is, which of you is stepping out with Bollywood babe, Karishma Kapoor, huh?
28:31I'm sorry.
28:34Ah, come on. Which of you alley cats has been spraying the young starlet, huh?
28:39Look, I came here in good faith to do a very serious interview.
28:44Oh, meow, pussy cats.
28:47Could it be that super-hunk Sanjay Dutt has been chasing the both of you for having an alleged double affair with the gorgeous Rekha?
28:54Look, could we please get back to the point?
28:57Pakistan did not ask for an arms race.
29:00You are seeing Rekha?
29:04We had a couple of drinks.
29:06And the thing was that the...
29:07Bastard!
29:10Finders keepers!
29:11I found her first!
29:12You did not!
29:13I did!
29:15Well, meow, pussy cats.
29:17The claws are out once again as Smita digs in the celebrity garden.
29:21To un-earth the unexpected cat-durls beneath the rose bushes.
29:25Until next week's me that's bitten saying meow!
29:36Jerks owls with balls of chutney, fa-la-la-la-la, chut-la-la.
29:42Will you bring me lots of toys for Christmas, Santa?
29:45Ho, ho, ho!
29:48Will I, bollocks?
29:51Ho, ho, ho!
29:54This is the story
29:55Of a lopin' dairy
29:58And his highly fertile wife from Bangalore
30:01They were married in the spring and had a daughter
30:05Next year they had two more
30:08They kept on mating
30:10And reproducing
30:12But the community had deemed that they had failed
30:14For although they had one hundred lovely children
30:18Not one of them was male
30:21So this lady and this fella saw a doctor
30:25A herbalist, a guru, and a vet
30:29And although they want a little boy so badly
30:32They haven't had one yet
30:34Now they need to find a hundred little husbands
30:39Or the hundred little girls that they have reared
30:43But they can't afford a hundred goddamn weddings
30:46So they dress them up in trousers and full spears
30:49And for fear, Bandari Bunch
30:52Bandari Bunch
30:54It looks like that's the end of the family name
30:58And thus it was
31:01Shiva
31:03In the heart of the demon's lair
31:05With his celestial weapons
31:08With due respect, you are wrong
31:11It was Narasim
31:13Incarnation of Vishnu
31:16In the palace of the evil Rakshas
31:18With his bare hands
31:20Nope
31:22It was professional
31:23Professor Plum
31:25In the library with a candlestick
31:27I will go on, my son
31:29Hello, and welcome to Asian Homefront
31:32Today we're looking at gardens
31:34Now, we've all heard about the Italian
31:37So the Italian
31:39So the Italian
31:41So the Italian
31:43So the Italian
31:45So the Italian
31:46So the Italian
31:47So the Italian
31:48So the Italian
31:50So the Italian
31:51So the Italian
31:52We've all heard about the Italian
31:53Sunken Garden
31:54And the Japanese Water Garden
31:56But what about the Asian Garden?
31:58Well, I'm here at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Bunny-san
32:00Hello
32:02Hello
32:04Now, your garden is typically Asian, isn't it?
32:08Yes
32:10Good, let's go outside and take a look
32:13Huh?
32:23Wow
32:25Wow!
32:27Your thistles and your weeds and your dandelions
32:30How do you achieve that?
32:32To cultivate a garden like this is very simple
32:36All you need are three things
32:38Number one, a fully working Flymo 400
32:42Number two, a good-for-nothing bevokuf son
32:46Who likes to sleep all day
32:48Instead of mowing the bloody lawn
32:50Number three, a very tight husband
32:53Who refuses to pay for a gardener
32:56Tell me though, Mrs. Bunny-san
32:59Are there any individual features that you can add to give it that personal touch?
33:03Oh yes
33:05Some people like to throw unmatching garden furniture into the reed
33:10Others like to spit melon seeds into the soil
33:13Growing into melon trees
33:18No
33:20But for a central eye-catching feature
33:25A swing ball
33:30Wonderful
33:32What a charming effect
33:35And oh look, you got a little flower growing as well
33:38We have?
33:39Hey folks, what have you got?
33:40The left building downtown, it was an ancient old folks home
33:53Ancient old folks home, Jesus
33:55This is a cold brown emergency, get Dr. Das
33:57Dr. Das?
33:59The world's leading Ayurvedic medic
34:01Dr. Das!
34:03Okay Dean, what have we got?
34:04Massive trauma to the head, possible subdural hematoma
34:06What of his chakras?
34:08The seven spiritual centers, are they in alignment?
34:11Jesus, I don't know
34:12Incompetence!
34:14Give me fennel, cumin, cardamom pods, crocosoil
34:16Rabbit and mango skin directly applied to the wounds, go!
34:19Dr. Das! I got a guy here!
34:22His legs are crushed, I'm gonna have to amputate
34:25No amputation, we can save his legs
34:27But they're completely flat!
34:29Give me the shells of 20 monkey nuts
34:31Juice of two nuts, three bananas
34:33Mix together with two pinches of gram flour
34:34Put the entire mixture into a football sock, go!
34:37But, but, which team?
34:39Sheffield Wednesday!
34:41Knock!
34:43Go, go!
34:45Nonsense!
34:47Bayleaves, lavender oil, cheese, zinc
34:51Put the entire mixture into muslin cloth
34:53Repeatedly hit the patient until she comes to
34:55Doctor, she's there!
34:57Do it before I do it myself!
34:59No, the neck, the neck, the neck!
35:06She's alive!
35:10They've grown back, it's a miracle!
35:13No miracle, son
35:15Just hard work, faith, and an uncle who owns a grocery store
35:17Oh no, Mary! There's no room in the Virgin!
35:33Steve Barry Goldsmith
35:36Fluff his lines as Joseph
35:39Looking like Dale Winton with ginger hair
35:46Have they forgotten Jesus was Middle Eastern?
35:53Oh, why can't we play Joseph?
35:55Oh, why can't we play Joseph?
35:56Oh, why can't we play Joseph?
35:59Instead of men in turbos like every year
36:06See Karen Logie eating all her bogey
36:14How come she gets to play an angel again?
36:19Each year I shudder when I put on these udders
36:27Oh, why can't we play angels?
36:30Why can't brown girls play angels?
36:34Oh, why can't we play angels instead of sheep?
36:39For people feeling much stranger
36:46Much more than before
36:50You should do, you pindu
36:54You just peed on the hall
36:58I wish I was Gabriel
37:02From the heavens I'd fall
37:05Oh, thank God that you're not
37:10You'd have peed on us all
37:14God, there's my family
37:18On the front fifteen rows
37:22With cameras and hankies and ten videos
37:28My mum is now crying
37:33It is shame that she feels
37:37Cause we're strict vegetarian
37:41And this sheepskin is real
37:45Oh, Lord, I'm trying not to cry
37:49Though they treat me like a peasant
37:51A high caste Hindu boy am I
37:55So I crack in all the presents
37:58Teacher asks us every year
38:01If Asians have a Christmas
38:04We sell respect to all the faith
38:07As long as we get presents
38:11CD-ROMs and videos
38:13And Todd's designer clothes
38:15And Barbies that can fly
38:17And Teddy's ten foot high
38:18And a boy's own pillowcase
38:21That's what we want for Christmas
38:24Science and dictionaries
38:26Educational magazines
38:28Vests that come down to your knees
38:30Book tokens from your undies
38:32And an entry form to mens
38:34That's what we'll get for Christmas
38:36We wish you a merry Christmas
38:39?
38:44?
38:47?
38:49?
38:51?
38:53?
38:55?
38:58?
39:00?
39:01Um, I'd like a 12-inch spicy hot one, please.
39:08Dick, please.
39:09Oh, turkey smells delicious, Sarge.
39:14Must be nearly ready.
39:15What?
39:16A few more minutes, I think.
39:21So, any Christmas drinks on offer?
39:25Oh, yes.
39:26Dennis has made some lovely eggnog.
39:28Have you, dear?
39:29Super.
39:30Oh, wonderful.
39:31I don't think you're supposed to boil the eggs, Dennis.
39:40Oh, I knew that.
39:42How about some traditional English sherry?
39:46Yes, yes, yes.
39:47Creamy bristles?
39:48Oh.
39:49Dennis, you are awful.
39:51Do try a mince pie.
39:53Um.
39:54Oh, um, I...
39:55Oh, no, no, no.
39:56It's all right.
39:57They're not made with minced beef this year.
39:59No, it's lamb.
40:00Much more England, huh?
40:02Darling, why don't we hand out the presents?
40:03Oh, yes.
40:04Oh, you really shouldn't have bothered.
40:05Well, it is an English tradition.
40:06Is it?
40:07Of course.
40:08Ta-da!
40:09Ta-da!
40:10Ta-da!
40:11Ah, for Charlotte.
40:12Oh.
40:13And?
40:14And for Dennis.
40:15Oh.
40:16Merry Christmas.
40:17Merry Christmas.
40:18Oh.
40:19Well, you see, we didn't know that you were going to give us...
40:20Ta-da!
40:21Ta-da!
40:22Ta-da!
40:23Ah, for Charlotte.
40:24Oh.
40:25And?
40:26And for Dennis.
40:27Oh.
40:28Merry Christmas.
40:29Oh.
40:30Merry Christmas.
40:31Oh.
40:32Well, you see, we didn't know that you were going to give us...
40:34Ta-da!
40:35Ta-da!
40:36Oh.
40:37Oh.
40:38Oh.
40:39And...
40:40This one is for Vanessa.
40:42Merry the Christmas, sir.
40:45And this one is for Sarji Senjan.
40:48And happy the birthday to you.
40:51Many happy returns.
40:53I-I-I say, Dennis, how about a little kiss under the mistletoe?
40:58I-I don't think we have any, actually.
41:00Oh, that's okay.
41:01I've brought my own.
41:03Oh.
41:04Oh.
41:05Oh.
41:06Oh.
41:07Oh.
41:08Oh.
41:09Ta-da!
41:10I do love a traditional English Christmas, don't you?
41:14Hmm.
41:15Well, you know, there's more to Christmas, Vanessa, than alcohol and sex.
41:20Is there?
41:21Oh, yes.
41:22It's a religious festival.
41:23Ha.
41:24Like Diwali.
41:25And, and, uh, and Eid.
41:27Hmm?
41:28You know, Christmas Eid.
41:30Eid.
41:31Oh, yes.
41:32Right, right.
41:33Of course, well, we're both Church of England.
41:35Oh.
41:36So are we.
41:37Uh, well, are you going to midnight mass, then?
41:40Uh, yes.
41:41We've already been.
41:42Boys!
41:45Well, uh, the decorations look splendid, what?
41:48Oh, yes.
41:49Well, there is nothing more English than Christmas decorations.
41:51In fact, Dennis has been up in the loft all last night, getting the Christmas tree out
41:57storage, checking the lights work.
41:59Ha, ha, ha, ha.
42:00Well, of course, we have a real Christmas tree.
42:02Yes, so do we.
42:03Oh.
42:04Well, we have a real tinsel, not the plastic rubbish.
42:08In fact, St. John goes out and picks it fresh, don't you, sweetheart?
42:11Well, we love our traditional English Christmases.
42:14Yes.
42:15James Bond, the Queen's speech.
42:17Ah, the smell of nuts roasting on an open fire.
42:20Oh, I'm so sorry.
42:21I must be standing too close to the room.
42:26Yes, well, uh, Christmas is just so commercialized these days.
42:30I'm not sure I'm quite with you all, fruity.
42:34Well, Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a poor carpenter's son, born in a tiny
42:43stable in a tiny Middle Eastern village.
42:47It is a time to remember his message of relinquishing material desires and striving instead for peace
42:56and goodwill to all people, regardless of greed, caste, or colour.
43:09Well, I'm not sure I agree with that.
43:11Yeah, me neither.
43:26Indian.
43:27Indian.
43:28Indian.
43:30Indian.
43:31Indian.
43:49Indian.
43:51Indian.
43:52Indian.
43:53Indian.
43:55Indian.
43:57Not Indian.
44:00Good-nuch gracious me.
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