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00:31APPLAUSE
00:35Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:38I'm Victoria Corrin-Mitchell.
00:40In the news this week, behind the scenes at the Tutankhamun exhibition,
00:44several priceless Egyptian artefacts are carefully put back into storage.
00:50LAUGHTER
00:53At his mum's house in Portsmouth, ex-diver Tom Daley
00:57begins training for a new Olympic discipline, the bobsleigh.
01:01LAUGHTER
01:05And in the north of England, the Grimsby poltergeist attempts a daring theft.
01:14LAUGHTER
01:24On Ian's team tonight is a stand-up comedian
01:27who writes about her relationships
01:28and reveals that her ideal man is clever, pedantic and pale.
01:32Back off, love. He's taken.
01:35LAUGHTER
01:36Please welcome Bella Hull.
01:38APPLAUSE
01:43On Paul's team tonight is an MP who currently sits as an independent
01:47as he's been suspended by the Labour Party.
01:49Obviously, he'd like to get back in as soon as possible
01:51to give him time to resign.
01:53Please welcome...
01:55LAUGHTER
01:55..Curl Turner MP.
01:57APPLAUSE
02:00We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:02Ian and Bella, here's yours.
02:05Oh, there he is.
02:06The new James Bond has been picked.
02:08New mop range at Robert Dias.
02:11LAUGHTER
02:12My government will fall apart and disintegrate
02:15in the next five minutes. Hello.
02:18Wes Streeting and his cuboid head.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:22When we go out, this may look a bit silly.
02:25Wes Streeting has resigned.
02:27That's the only solid bit of news.
02:29Wes has decided to stand down as the Secretary of State.
02:32Apparently, he's been working very hard
02:34to get GP appointments faster for people,
02:38but he couldn't manage to get an appointment with the PM.
02:41He was allowed, I think, 16 minutes.
02:44Yeah, that's a lot compared to GP.
02:46It is. It is.
02:47LAUGHTER
02:49I think it's true to say that he went in there,
02:51he was told he could only mention one ailment.
02:54LAUGHTER
02:56If there's an election for a new Labour leader,
02:58can you vote in that?
03:00No, no, I'm banned from voting and taking part
03:02in any of the selections, unfortunately, which is probably...
03:04Who would you vote for?
03:06Well, if Burnham has got a seat now,
03:08I would be tempted to vote for Burnham
03:10on the basis that he's actually popular,
03:13and most of us are not very popular at the moment,
03:16especially Keir.
03:17Keir today, gone tomorrow.
03:19That's the one.
03:19LAUGHTER
03:20Or Keir today, still here, on the repeat.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:24Do you actually think, Carla,
03:25that the public will appreciate another period of chaos
03:29in which you...
03:31Not you, obviously, because you're not qualified any more.
03:34LAUGHTER
03:34But if it have been you,
03:36you debate which of these other people
03:38that no-one actually voted for as Prime Minister
03:40should be Prime Minister.
03:42Well, it's a fair point, Ian.
03:43I'll be encouraging whichever leader he's selected
03:45to stay on for as long as possible, and even...
03:48Without a mandate?
03:49Without a mandate,
03:50and even consider banning elections altogether.
03:53LAUGHTER
03:53How would Andy Burnham be able to run?
03:57What has to happen?
03:58Well, someone has stood aside,
04:00a man called Josh Simons,
04:02who said, you can have my seat.
04:03And the seat he may be getting is...
04:06We've reformed it very well.
04:07Fighting your seat's a bit of a risk.
04:09None of the potential rivals are the particular favourite.
04:12The vote is split, isn't it?
04:13I mean, Andy Burnham, Angela Rayner,
04:16Wes Streeting, Ed Miliband.
04:18One Labour MP told The Guardian,
04:19we have to face up to the fact
04:20that every single one of them is fucking useless.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:25APPLAUSE
04:30When did you say that?
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33There were a number of Labour MPs who said,
04:35what we really want is reform,
04:37and I thought, well, you're going to get it.
04:38LAUGHTER
04:40But in a sense, people did vote
04:42to have someone in power for a period.
04:45Are any of the people who are going to supposedly replace him
04:48because they want to,
04:49going to be any more popular with the public?
04:53No!
04:55That's the level of enthusiasm.
04:57LAUGHTER
04:58It would be quite nice to have a Prime Minister
05:00that can export a PDF, though.
05:02Yeah.
05:03I don't even know what the words mean.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06I'm pretty sure we don't have any exports.
05:10LAUGHTER
05:13APPLAUSE
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16APPLAUSE
05:16LAUGHTER
05:17Because actually, John Major, you said recently,
05:19this is not a game show.
05:21Yeah.
05:21And I'm with him, he's saying, this is just stupid.
05:23It's not reality TV.
05:25You can't just keep voting people out every week
05:27for a bit of excitement in the media.
05:28It seems to me a bit premature.
05:30And they've got to find someone who knows how to pay
05:32stamp duty or council tax.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:35So, I mean...
05:38APPLAUSE
05:40So, are you saying it's a premature election?
05:43LAUGHTER
05:45That's exactly what I'm saying.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:48The Prime Minister gave a make-or-break speech on Monday.
05:52Here's a member of the public in Wakefield in West Yorkshire.
05:55We played some of the speech to people we talked to.
05:58They reached their own conclusions.
06:00I think he's doomed.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03I messaged him on the Sunday and said,
06:05look, Keir, you've got to go in there, roll your sleeves up.
06:08He did that, he managed that.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:10But drop the autocue.
06:12That's the point.
06:13He's got to speak from the heart.
06:14And, unfortunately, Keir struggles.
06:17You didn't like him using the autocue.
06:18Let's see you talking about that.
06:20There's a real opportunity for the Prime Minister
06:23to get it back together, actually.
06:26But it's going to be an incredibly difficult task for him.
06:30If he reads off an autocue today,
06:33it's goodnight, Vianola, I'm afraid.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:41Were you thinking of a Vianetta?
06:43LAUGHTER
06:44It could have been as bad as that, couldn't it?
06:46No, the problem is, I inherited John Prescott's seat
06:49and I got his command of the English language.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53But, I mean, even with an autocue,
06:54anyone can make a mistake, a slip of the tongue.
06:57I mean, let's look at Keir Starmer himself here.
06:59I call again for an immediate cease-fire in Gaza.
07:02The return of the sausages.
07:05LAUGHTER
07:06LAUGHTER
07:09You see, that's what I think about this election.
07:11I think if he can survive that, he can survive anything.
07:15Calling hostages sausages isn't good.
07:19His greed isn't good, is it?
07:21There were rumours that the Prime Minister
07:22would announce a timetable for stepping down
07:25and so the journalist did what they do best,
07:27which is gather at 10 Downing Street
07:28to shriek randomly when he passed by.
07:31Shall we have a look at Keith Bayes from GB News?
07:34He's very optimistic that someone will speak to him.
07:36Yeah, got it.
07:36Let's see his technique here.
07:37Have you asked the Prime Minister to step down, Lisa Nandy?
07:41Should the Prime Minister resign?
07:43Have you asked the Prime Minister to step down?
07:46Is it over for Keir Starmer?
07:49Liz Kendall, should the Prime Minister resign?
07:53Should the Prime Minister resign, Pat McFadden?
07:56Is it over for Keir Starmer?
07:59Is it finished, Pat McFadden?
08:02Is it over for Keir Starmer?
08:04Do you want to be Prime Minister?
08:06Will you challenge Keir Starmer?
08:09Wes Strinning, do you want the job or not?
08:13I think that guy used to do the racing.
08:16Yeah.
08:18The local election results were about a week ago.
08:20I mean, it seems like years, but it was about a week ago.
08:22The SNP won in Scotland, of course,
08:24and the Lib Dems took every single seat in Richmond-upon-Thames.
08:29One commentator said the area was like
08:31if Waitrose was a constituency.
08:34LAUGHTER
08:37LAUGHTER
08:39Who fancies a quick-fire quiz?
08:42Yes.
08:43Lovely.
08:43Fingers on, buzzers.
08:44Yes.
08:45For back, Zach or crack?
08:47LAUGHTER
08:52You're going to get a clue.
08:53Yes.
08:54And you tell me, does that involve someone who's back?
08:57Yes.
08:57The Green Party leader, Zach Polanski,
08:59or someone who's starting to crack?
09:02OK.
09:02Gosh, this is clever.
09:04Yeah.
09:04Can you say that again?
09:05Back, Zach, Zach.
09:07Or someone's on crack.
09:08OK.
09:10Right, here we go.
09:11Yes.
09:14BELL RINGS
09:15Paul?
09:16Well, that must be the boat that Zach Polanski is living on,
09:19or was living on, but didn't pay any council tax.
09:22Can you give your answer correctly, please?
09:23Would you...
09:24Oh, Zach.
09:26LAUGHTER
09:29APPLAUSE
09:33Absolutely correct.
09:34He said he was there occasionally.
09:37Yes.
09:37But his partner described the houseboat
09:40as their amazing home.
09:41Oh.
09:42And, of course, the rules are, if it's their home,
09:44they have to pay council tax on it, and he hadn't.
09:46I think he was after floating waters.
09:48Yeah.
09:49Yeah.
09:50Part of his small boat policy.
09:54And for anyone who thinks that's just the media airing
09:56dirty laundry, how is dirty laundry relevant in this case?
10:00Did they prove it through the laundrette that he was using?
10:03Yes.
10:04The laundrette said...
10:04Quite surprising, because I thought people in the Green Party
10:06didn't wash their clothes.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:10Zach Polanski has now said
10:11that the non-payment of council tax
10:13was an unintentional mistake
10:14and he's taken steps to pay back the council tax.
10:17Ready for the next one?
10:18Yeah.
10:19Yes.
10:20Yes.
10:23Backsack, crack, crack, back, back.
10:25LAUGHTER
10:26Nurse, he's out of bed again.
10:32APPLAUSE
10:36Zach.
10:37Correct.
10:37Why?
10:38He said he worked for the Ministry of Justice.
10:41Mm-hm.
10:41And he was an actor and he was in a promotional video.
10:44LAUGHTER
10:45Don't laugh!
10:47LAUGHTER
10:49Very serious.
10:51There's another story that he didn't actually vote.
10:54He was asked whether he voted in the local elections
10:56and they put a clarification out saying that he didn't register
10:59to vote because of concerns about security for its address.
11:02So, he didn't vote.
11:04Well, so he said that he had voted.
11:06That's quite bad.
11:07You're young, I bet you don't vote.
11:09LAUGHTER
11:10No, I vote, I vote 100%.
11:12You have to vote if you're a woman because that other woman
11:14threw herself in front of a goat in the 80s.
11:17I don't know what...
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19In the 80s.
11:21Last one.
11:24BUZZER
11:25BUZZER
11:25BUZZER
11:25BUZZER
11:26What's that?
11:29Well, it's Nigel Farage, obviously,
11:31and the £5 million that he was given to buy a man
11:36who didn't want anything in return.
11:37In fact, you know, when I recently bought a very expensive car,
11:40I didn't expect to get a car.
11:42LAUGHTER
11:44I just walked out of the showroom very happy
11:46that I'd been able to give them some money.
11:48LAUGHTER
11:49So, I don't know, is his zank back or crack?
11:51It is crack, I suppose, is it?
11:53It's crack.
11:53Cracks are starting to show.
11:55Nigel Farage says he didn't have to declare it
11:57because it was before he was an MP.
11:59Yeah, but he was a major national figure
12:01who had run political parties,
12:03and the idea that just because the timing wasn't
12:06before he got selected for a seat
12:08means he didn't have to declare it,
12:10I think, is bogus.
12:12But it's just an opinion.
12:13It's not, you know.
12:14Well, that's right.
12:15It is now going to be investigated.
12:16Yes.
12:17But we're not suggesting he would do anything
12:19for the £5 million.
12:20Although, on an unrelated note,
12:22let's remind ourselves what Nigel Farage
12:24will do for £80.
12:37This is the news that the Prime Minister of the UK
12:40is still Keir Starmer.
12:42On Wednesday, Wes Streeting was summoned to Downing Street
12:44for a meeting which lasted 16 minutes.
12:47Sounds short, but then again,
12:48how long does it take for two people to say,
12:50no, you fuck off?
12:53The first Labour MP to openly challenge the Prime Minister
12:56was backbencher Catherine West,
12:58which confused Starmer as he assumed
13:00that was a council they'd lost to reform.
13:06In other news, Angela Rayner was also cleared
13:08of wrongdoing over her payment of stamp duty,
13:11HMRC eventually accepting her legal defence
13:13that she was probably pissed and forgot all about it.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:16HE LAUGHS
13:18HE LAUGHS
13:20Cor and Carl, here's yours.
13:23Right, yeah, that's the Emirates Stadium,
13:25or no, it might be West Ham Stadium, actually.
13:27And there's the next leadership of the Labour Party
13:29being fought out.
13:31Oh, and this is Bolton Wonders
13:32versus Man United.
13:34Controversial goal in 1957.
13:35This is West Ham versus Arsenal.
13:37I didn't see the footage,
13:38but there was a lot of players in melee
13:40in the six-yard box pushing and pulling
13:42and fighting and dragging
13:43and doing all this kind of stuff.
13:44And it took them a long time to sort it out.
13:47What did Gary Neville call it?
13:48A disgrace that brought football into disrepute.
13:51Well, he didn't give an opinion,
13:52but he did say it's the biggest moment in VAR history.
13:56Do you...
13:57They've written here,
13:58do an impression of Gary Neville.
13:59I barely know what that is.
14:02Why was it so important, football-wise?
14:04Well, Arsenal, if Arsenal win,
14:07it helps their bid to win the Premiership.
14:09If West Ham draw,
14:11it helps them in their bid to avoid relegation.
14:13How are spurs doing this season,
14:15do you think?
14:16Really badly.
14:18I was going to say,
14:19no-one's wearing them.
14:22I don't even get that one.
14:25What's a spur?
14:26A spur.
14:28It's, uh...
14:29Kept Donald Trump out of the Vietnam War.
14:38What they should do,
14:39and of course there'd be an absolute uproar,
14:41if you sent off eight people.
14:42Yes.
14:43One corner said,
14:44OK, if you do that again,
14:45I'm sending all you off,
14:46and they did it again,
14:46it all go off,
14:47and you've got two goalkeepers
14:48running up and down the field.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:52Can't be offside.
14:54So, Arsenal fans are very pleased,
14:56but they're still very annoyed
14:57about the fact that Kirstein was a fan.
15:00Who do you support?
15:01Athletico Vianetta?
15:02Well, All City have been...
15:03LAUGHTER
15:06APPLAUSE
15:10All City are doing very well at the moment.
15:11They're in the playoffs
15:12to get into the Premier League,
15:13so that's a bit of a bonus for Hull.
15:16Very pleased about that.
15:16That's right,
15:17you tweeted the other day,
15:1890 minutes away from the Premier League,
15:20up the Tigers.
15:21I did.
15:22Do you actually go to Hull?
15:23I don't, to be honest.
15:25I've got to tell you,
15:26I didn't write that tweet.
15:27That was a staff member
15:29who knows more about football than me.
15:31A staff member?
15:32To type up the Tigers on your behalf?
15:34Well, he messaged me and said,
15:37is this all right?
15:38I said, yeah, whatever.
15:41Guy, you really don't care anymore, do you?
15:42Not really.
15:43LAUGHTER
15:44Which senior figure
15:45have West Ham lost recently?
15:49Um...
15:49It's somebody who's been there
15:50for 16 years,
15:52working for the owner,
15:52David Sullivan.
15:54Karen Brady.
15:54It's Karen Brady
15:55off The Apprentice.
15:56And the House of Lords.
15:58And the House of Lords.
15:58Yes.
15:59Lady Brady.
16:00Lady Brady.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02And she's spent most of her working life
16:04working for David Sullivan,
16:05and what's his history?
16:07He was a pornographer,
16:09and then he became
16:11a newspaper proprietor,
16:13and then he didn't anymore.
16:15That's right.
16:15Karen Brady was a director
16:16of sport newspapers,
16:18and if people don't remember it,
16:19they had stories like this,
16:20Gordon Ramsay sex-dwarf
16:21found dead in badger set.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:25Those were the good old days.
16:28We've actually got
16:29a daily sport headline
16:30framed in our loo,
16:31which is,
16:31TV Dave to wed busty brain box.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:36LAUGHTER
16:38That can always be about you.
16:41Happy memories.
16:42I always envied
16:43Carol Vorderman,
16:44who was once described
16:45by the sun
16:45as a curvy egghead.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:49That's good.
16:50In other news,
16:50what did Russell Brand do recently?
16:53Er, he read a Bible
16:55who's trying to find
16:56a passage in the Bible
16:57on Piers Morgan.
16:58It's really awful.
16:59The Bible does not mention
17:00Piers Morgan.
17:01LAUGHTER
17:01He was on Piers Morgan's
17:03chat show,
17:05and he says he's a
17:06born-again Christian,
17:07Russell Brand,
17:08and he said he wanted
17:08to find a Bible verse
17:10that had been hugely
17:11consoling to him.
17:12Yeah.
17:13I mean, brace yourselves.
17:20LAUGHTER
17:28LAUGHTER
17:29And I don't know
17:29the market's a false.
17:32LAUGHTER
17:34LAUGHTER
17:34LAUGHTER
17:35LAUGHTER
17:54The verse that I was looking at
17:56that day
17:59was...
18:01not this.
18:02I can't actually...
18:02I can't actually find
18:04the verse that I had that day.
18:07That day was a day in court
18:09where he took the Bible in.
18:10With loads of bookmarks in it.
18:12Which now we know why, I guess.
18:15But when he put his hand on it,
18:16it burst into flames.
18:17LAUGHTER
18:19Well done, Piers Morgan.
18:20He managed to remain silent
18:21for about a minute and a half.
18:23I mean, some viewers asked
18:24if Russell Brand could be
18:25a regular guest.
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28And he's looking through it
18:30as though he's never seen it.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:32Oh, what's this bit?
18:34The Ten Commandments?
18:36Oh, yes.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:39He looks like he's looking
18:41through an Argos catalogue.
18:42LAUGHTER
18:44And what happened just before
18:45the Piers Morgan interview,
18:47do you know?
18:47They prayed together.
18:48Well, Russell Brand
18:50invited Piers Morgan
18:51to pray with him.
18:53On women, or just...
19:02This is football's latest
19:03VAR controversy.
19:05West Ham striker Jared Bowen
19:07complained about inconsistency
19:08over how much contact was allowed,
19:10saying,
19:11where's the bar
19:12and where's the line?
19:13A question usually asked
19:14at half-time by Maradona.
19:16LAUGHTER
19:18After the game,
19:19pundit Roy Keane
19:20was absolutely incandescent
19:22with fury.
19:22Nothing to do with the match.
19:23He was just at home
19:24in the garden.
19:25LAUGHTER
19:26On to round two,
19:27the one-armed bandit of news.
19:29Hooray!
19:29Fingers on buzzers, teams.
19:30Here's the first one.
19:32BELL RINGS
19:36Trump in China.
19:37Next.
19:39What is he doing in China?
19:41Oh, I don't know.
19:41He's just wandering around
19:42trying to take everybody's mind
19:44off the Trump-Epstein files.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:46BBC News say
19:47it's all about
19:48the four T's.
19:50The four T's?
19:51What are the T's?
19:52Trump, Trump, Trump and Trump.
19:54No, it's
19:56Tehran, Taiwan,
19:58trade and technology.
19:59So Trump wants
20:00China's help with Iran
20:02and China wants the US
20:03to stop selling weapons
20:04to Taiwan and so on.
20:05It's not a great advert
20:07for international power
20:08that you have to ask
20:09your major enemy
20:11to finish the war you started.
20:14But that's diplomacy.
20:15It's new.
20:16What has Donald Trump
20:17visited while he was in China?
20:19The Great Wall.
20:20It wants to see
20:21a big, beautiful wall.
20:24A real.
20:25A wall that's actually
20:26been built.
20:27Apparently from
20:27the Great Wall of China
20:28you can see the moon.
20:37Trump was very excited to hear
20:39that he'd be visiting
20:40the Temple of Heaven
20:41until he realised
20:41it wasn't a nightclub.
20:43LAUGHTER
20:44Now, we're going to play
20:45the sequences round.
20:46Can you tell me
20:48what would come sixth
20:49in this sequence?
20:51Oh.
20:52Well, I don't know
20:53who the first five are.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:58I will give you a clue.
21:00The name of the first one
21:02you said
21:03in that sentence just now.
21:05Who?
21:06President who?
21:07That is former
21:07Chinese Premier
21:08Hu Jintao.
21:09Yeah.
21:10Second one.
21:10Is that George Washington?
21:12No.
21:12It's the inventor
21:13James Watt.
21:14Oh, James Watt.
21:15Who, what, why, where, how?
21:17Come on!
21:18LAUGHTER
21:19Who, what, why, where...
21:22APPLAUSE
21:23It is.
21:24How is, how is...
21:25I applaud the answer,
21:26but why is the bed where?
21:28It's the great bed of where?
21:29So...
21:30The great bed of where?
21:31LAUGHTER
21:32No, no, no, no, I'm sorry.
21:35My A-levels were quite restricted.
21:38We didn't do the great bed of where?
21:40What's the great bed of where?
21:41It's a huge medieval bed in where?
21:44It's not where, W-A-R-E, where?
21:45Yeah.
21:46The bed of where?
21:46Yeah.
21:47We've also got James Watt, the inventor.
21:48Yeah.
21:49The Chinese spies, Bill Wen.
21:51Yeah.
21:51And Peter Wye.
21:52Yeah, yeah.
21:53So, in sixth place, Geoffrey Howe.
21:55Geoffrey Howe.
21:56Geoffrey Howe.
21:56LAUGHTER
21:58I take my hat off to me as they're known about the great bed of where.
22:01Yeah.
22:02Is there a pillow of indifference?
22:05LAUGHTER
22:08The eye of the down of uncertainty.
22:11The duvet of disdain.
22:13Yeah, yeah, the duvet of disdain.
22:14Meanwhile, what has Rod Stewart been up to?
22:18He made a comment to the King.
22:20Did he?
22:21Yeah, about Trump.
22:23Do you think I'm sexy?
22:25LAUGHTER
22:28Well, it's not really up to me to say it.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:34He bombed into the King at a charity event.
22:36Oh, yeah.
22:37And let's see what he said.
22:38Hello, sir.
22:39May I say, well done in the American.
22:41You must be worried.
22:42Oh, no.
22:42Absolutely.
22:44Put that little white bag in his place.
22:46LAUGHTER
22:50You didn't get to hear what King Charles said in return to him?
22:54He just makes noises.
22:55Oh, does he?
22:56That's why he's being diplomatic, isn't he?
22:58He can't really say, yeah, I got him.
23:00Yeah.
23:01Yes, it is.
23:02Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
23:04To tell you the truth is an absolute wanker.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:15How's his court case against the BBC going?
23:17I think I've just added to it, haven't I?
23:19Yeah.
23:21I think you've just lost it.
23:22You've just lost it, haven't I?
23:23Finally, the new government of Hungary's been sworn in.
23:26How did their health minister mark the occasion?
23:29Was he the one that was dancing the other week?
23:30Was he sort of like, you know, chucking some shapes?
23:32He certainly was.
23:34Chucking some shapes?
23:37Wrong boy, triangle, parallelogram.
23:41Got the lot, mate.
23:42He doesn't muck about.
23:44I wish he was my mother.
23:47Let's have a look.
23:52It's amazing the things you say when you've got no idea what you're talking about.
23:56Let's have a look.
23:56Let's have a look at those shapes.
23:57Yeah.
24:13I mean, it's not bad.
24:15It's not bad.
24:16Good.
24:19If Starmer had done that...
24:21LAUGHTER
24:23This is Trump in China.
24:25A White House official has called the visit
24:28symbolically and substantively significant.
24:31Or, as they explained it to Trump, it's Bigly.
24:35Meanwhile, two Chinese nationals have been convicted of spying
24:38after MI5 discovered that one of them, who was employed at Heathrow,
24:42was accessing work websites on days they were sick or on holiday,
24:45immediately raising suspicions that they weren't British.
24:50Fingers on buzzers, teams, here's your next one.
24:59Now, that's Princess Anne there. Nobody's allowed to park on her arms,
25:02as you can see, double yellow lines.
25:04The Royal Navy are redesigning the women's uniforms
25:09because they say that a couple of the buttons are inappropriately placed.
25:12Over the nipples.
25:14So they're going to redesign them at a cost of several hundred thousand pounds.
25:16It's quite rude to presume that they all have udders.
25:23Not the only thing in the Navy that's been troubling women, is it?
25:30No changes have yet been made to Royal Navy trousers.
25:33That's a decision for the rear admiral.
25:35Yeah.
25:36Time for the missing words round, which this week features,
25:39as its guest publication, The Donkey.
25:41And we start with...
25:46Cement. It's a heartwarming positive story.
25:50The answer is...
25:55How big's the pothole?
25:57Let's have a look.
25:58I'm blown.
26:02Stabilised pavements.
26:04Next.
26:05If the donkey magazine is not enough donkey news for you,
26:07why not try it?
26:08Sister publication, what?
26:09Ass Weekly.
26:12GB News.
26:14GB News.
26:15Mule Monthly.
26:16Is it Bray Talk?
26:18Yes, what are you talking about?
26:19Why do you know that?
26:19I don't know.
26:20I just know some stuff.
26:24It's surprising, I know.
26:25Do you know the name of the sister publication of the Donkey magazine?
26:29Yeah, I think he was in the centrefold last month.
26:34Finally, a quarter of Brits can't tell the difference between what and what?
26:39Er, Paul Merton and Ian Hislop.
26:55No, a quarter of Brits can't tell the difference between a robin and a red kite.
27:00Did you see this survey?
27:02People can't recognise birds.
27:03Look, here's a list of 30 birds in order of our ignorance about them,
27:06with the willow warbler at number one, because nobody knows that,
27:08and the seagull at number 30.
27:10And if you want to know more about any of these birds,
27:12I hope you'll get nicer pictures than I did when I was Googling
27:14woodcock, great tit and thrush.
27:22The final scores are Ian and Bella have four points,
27:26Paul and Carl have seven.
27:29Well done. Thank you.
27:33But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:36I'm taking you off the Manjaro.
27:41LAUGHTER
27:44On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Bella Hull,
27:48Paul Merton and Carl Turner MP.
27:50And I leave you with news that at a fair in Surrey,
27:52there's bad news for Sophie Raworth as she drops a contact lens.
27:57LAUGHTER
27:59After a heavy late-night dinner, one man realises that a Rennie just isn't
28:03going to cut it.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:06And in the Canary Islands, three passengers from the Hantavirus-affected
28:10cruise ship are relieved to disembark unharmed.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:16Good night.
28:21APPLAUSE
28:40Good night.
28:44APPLAUSE
28:44YOU ARE NOT jedenamp freaks saiyonoラod.
28:49You are single.
28:51You are very happy for it!
28:52Love you.
28:52Here were all five hours of falling off.
28:53You won't, I'm scared!
28:55You are Stephen.
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