- 2 days ago
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00:00:06Yeah, Granddad's old jacket. Still fits me.
00:00:21Grandma's old Busby.
00:00:23Right.
00:00:28Ladies and gentlemen, Harry Hill.
00:00:40Attention!
00:00:46Butterleaf Creek Dance!
00:00:49Let's go!
00:01:11Good evening and welcome to New Bits and Greatest Hits.
00:01:18Bow down, bow. Thank you so much. Thank you.
00:01:22Right. Now, first things first, everyone all right for a drink?
00:01:25Everyone all right for a drink? Yeah. You're right for a drink? Yeah.
00:01:27You're right for a drink? Yeah. You're right for a drink?
00:01:29You're right for a drink? Yeah. You're right for a drink?
00:01:32You're right for a drink?
00:01:34I do apologise. Very childish. Very childish. I do apologise.
00:01:38Now, er...
00:01:40Oh, priceless. Priceless.
00:01:42Yeah. Yeah, priceless, this guy.
00:01:44Stand up. Stand up, mate. Stand up. Turn around. Turn around.
00:01:47Baldy!
00:01:48Ha-ha!
00:01:50Baldy four-eyes!
00:01:51Ha-ha!
00:01:52Oh, what a weird-looking bloke.
00:01:54Now, um...
00:01:56Yeah, and the old guy.
00:01:57The old guy down the front.
00:01:59Yeah, yeah, all right.
00:02:00Thank you, old-timer.
00:02:01Thank you for what you did for us during the war.
00:02:04Thank you for what you did for us during the war.
00:02:06Winter's nearly over, isn't it?
00:02:08Winter's nearly over.
00:02:11And the younger guys, yeah?
00:02:14Yeah, welcome.
00:02:15Yeah, scroll, scroll, scroll.
00:02:18Scroll, vape, vape, scroll.
00:02:20Scroll, scroll, vape, scroll, vape.
00:02:22Scroll, vape, scroll, vape, scroll, vape.
00:02:24You're wasting your life.
00:02:25Now, what I'd like you to do, okay,
00:02:30what I'd like you to do with the glasses, sir,
00:02:32when I move my hand, I want you to shout,
00:02:34Quack, okay?
00:02:35You're all right, yeah?
00:02:36Yeah, with that?
00:02:37As I move my hand, quack.
00:02:39Not everyone, just...
00:02:41Ha-ha!
00:02:42Okay.
00:02:44Just you, okay?
00:02:45When I move my hand...
00:02:46Quack.
00:02:46That's it, nice and loud.
00:02:48Quack.
00:02:48That's it, nice and loud.
00:02:50Quack.
00:02:50Go on, freestyle now, on your own.
00:02:52Go on.
00:02:53That's it, go on, keep going.
00:02:55Yeah, keep going.
00:02:59Quack.
00:03:01Yeah, see how you like it, eh?
00:03:04I've seen you down the duck pond.
00:03:06Yeah, I've seen you.
00:03:08I've seen you down the duck pond.
00:03:10Is that what it means?
00:03:11Quack, throw bread at my face.
00:03:12Is that what it means?
00:03:15And, uh...
00:03:16And I can tell there's some students up the back thinking,
00:03:19Oh, I didn't know he was going to throw bread out.
00:03:21I would have sat down the front.
00:03:22Come on.
00:03:23Pass it back.
00:03:25Pass it back to the students.
00:03:27And, um...
00:03:28I find if you're looking for an argument,
00:03:30the best place is the multi-faith room at the airport.
00:03:33Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:03:35You can normally get something going on down there.
00:03:38Yeah, yeah.
00:03:39You're not, um...
00:03:40You're not a robot, are you?
00:03:41You're not a robot.
00:03:43You're not a robot.
00:03:44You're not a robot.
00:03:44Point, point, point, point, point, point, point, point, point.
00:03:51I tell you, if robots ever work out what traffic lights don't like,
00:03:54we've had it.
00:03:54We've had it.
00:03:56We've had it, I tell you.
00:03:58So, um...
00:03:59So, my dad was interested in looking into his heritage.
00:04:01Uh, yeah.
00:04:03So, uh, I bought my DNA test for Christmas.
00:04:05Yeah.
00:04:06He's in prison now!
00:04:08Yeah!
00:04:09Yeah!
00:04:09He forgot all about the string of sexual assaults in the 1970s.
00:04:14They were all at it back then, weren't they?
00:04:16All the old guys.
00:04:17Yeah?
00:04:18Yeah?
00:04:18Did you?
00:04:18A little bit?
00:04:19Yeah?
00:04:21Yeah?
00:04:22A little bit of casual flashing.
00:04:23Yeah?
00:04:24A little bit of flashing.
00:04:26Hmm?
00:04:26Where's the harm?
00:04:27Where's the harm?
00:04:28A little bit of flashing.
00:04:29Yeah?
00:04:29Hmm?
00:04:29They were all at it back then in the 70s.
00:04:32Every village had a flasher, didn't they?
00:04:33Every village had a flasher.
00:04:35You knew where he lived.
00:04:36You just walked a bit faster when you went past his house.
00:04:39Was that so hard?
00:04:40Skull vape.
00:04:41Skull vape.
00:04:42Skull vape.
00:04:43Skull vape.
00:04:44Um, flashing.
00:04:46Yeah?
00:04:46Heavy breathing down the phone.
00:04:48Yeah?
00:04:49Yeah?
00:04:49Stealing undies off the ladies' washing line.
00:04:52Yeah?
00:04:52Hmm?
00:04:53Old skills that we've lost.
00:04:54We've lost those skills.
00:04:56We've lost those skills in this country.
00:04:58Now, um...
00:05:00Well, it's great to be here.
00:05:02It's great to be here in, uh...
00:05:04Well, if I'm standing here, fat poppadom toothbrush.
00:05:06Hmm?
00:05:07Yeah?
00:05:07If I'm standing here, fat poppadom toothbrush.
00:05:10Yeah?
00:05:10Hmm?
00:05:11It's the What Three Words.
00:05:12Come on, guys.
00:05:13Hmm?
00:05:14Come on, guys.
00:05:15Keep up.
00:05:16It's the What Three Words app.
00:05:18Yeah?
00:05:18Fat poppadom toothbrush.
00:05:20Hmm?
00:05:21Hmm?
00:05:21If I'm standing here, if I walk over here, stalk trifle pad.
00:05:26Stalk trifle pad if I'm here.
00:05:28Hmm?
00:05:28Hmm?
00:05:29Oh, I'm in fat poppadom toothbrush again.
00:05:31Here.
00:05:32Hmm?
00:05:32Jelly Nut Kazebo.
00:05:33Jelly Nut Kazebo.
00:05:34It's the What Three Words app.
00:05:37Um...
00:05:37And if I go all the way back here, hmm?
00:05:39I'm in, um...
00:05:41Dick Van Dyke.
00:05:42Yeah!
00:05:43Yeah!
00:05:44It's just the way it worked out.
00:05:46Um...
00:05:47And I know you're thinking, you're thinking, oh, great, Harry.
00:05:49That means we can sing the What Three Words Faire Jacques song.
00:05:52We can.
00:05:54We can do that.
00:05:56Okay?
00:05:57Which, as you know, involves me moving from square to square,
00:06:00and you singing the words of the square, I'm in,
00:06:02to the tune of Faire Jacques.
00:06:04Hmm?
00:06:06Hello?
00:06:07Hello?
00:06:07It's...
00:06:08I sense some resistance.
00:06:11So, just to recap, fat poppadom toothbrush.
00:06:15Shh.
00:06:17Stork trifle pad over here.
00:06:19Hmm?
00:06:19Jelly Nut Kazebo.
00:06:20Then, of course, Dick Van Dyke at the back.
00:06:22All right.
00:06:23After three, then...
00:06:27What?
00:06:28After three, then...
00:06:30Yeah?
00:06:30Yeah.
00:06:31You got your winter fuel announced back, didn't you?
00:06:33That's the main thing.
00:06:34That's the main thing.
00:06:35You should do what my nan did.
00:06:36Yeah.
00:06:37Burn all the furniture to keep warm.
00:06:39Yeah.
00:06:39Yeah.
00:06:40You don't need all those chairs.
00:06:41Not now no one comes round.
00:06:42You don't need them.
00:06:44You just need two chairs, don't you?
00:06:46Two chairs.
00:06:46One for you.
00:06:47One for your carer.
00:06:48Do you look after him?
00:06:48Yeah?
00:06:49Yeah?
00:06:49You look after him.
00:06:50Packet of wet wipes.
00:06:51That's all you need, isn't it?
00:06:53Packet of wet wipes.
00:06:58So, after three, then...
00:07:03One, two, three...
00:07:05Fat poppadom toothbrush.
00:07:07Fat poppadom toothbrush.
00:07:09come on guys come on guys come on guys look yeah it's even slower than the first show
00:07:18yeah yeah yeah waltham stone yeah waltham stone what okay forget it
00:07:24okay stalk trifle pad jelly nut gazebo dick van dyke at the back okay all right
00:07:30we've got to get through this bit so we can get to a bit
00:07:35you might like
00:07:39you're wasting your own time as well as mine all right after three one two three
00:07:45fat poppadom toothbrush
00:07:50stalk trifle pad stalk trifle pad jelly nut gazebo
00:07:59am i in dick van dyke
00:08:03do i look like i'm in dick van dyke here
00:08:07i mean pork telly lozenge here it's a very different song look at you lot singing along
00:08:14jelly nut gazebo jelly nut gazebo don't just do stuff because i tell you to that's how fascism started isn't
00:08:23it
00:08:25one minute you're singing jelly nut gazebo the next minute you're invading poland
00:08:31jelly nut gazebo jelly nut gazebo dick van dyke
00:08:36dick van dyke
00:08:38so um so my mum my mum dumped me on the steps of a hospital uh when i was a
00:08:45baby yes uh dumped me on the steps of the hospital but i was clever what i did was i
00:08:49rolled off the step i rolled down the hill got home before her
00:08:54get on board the laughter train
00:08:55get on board the laughter train
00:08:58gold finger
00:09:07um so my nan died my nan died again yes and but you know what at least she died doing
00:09:16the thing that she loved yeah poisoning cats
00:09:21and the way she used to do it okay was with the dishwasher tablets
00:09:25right yeah yeah you know the ones from finland you know you've got the white layer you've got the blue
00:09:30layer then you've got the red powerball on top you know the the ones from finland yeah the dishwasher
00:09:35tablets from finland they've got it written on the front you know the um
00:09:40they're from finland and it's got it written on the front what's that what's that
00:09:45hey finish no i'm here all night love you walked right into it
00:09:52you walked right into it
00:09:55loser
00:09:58double loser
00:09:59bet your mum still turns up for work at debonums
00:10:03yeah
00:10:03i bet your mum
00:10:06it was closed again today
00:10:09debonums
00:10:10debonums
00:10:11debonums
00:10:12debonums
00:10:13debonums
00:10:14debonums
00:10:15debonums
00:10:15debonums
00:10:16debonums
00:10:21just this side now
00:10:26just this side now
00:10:31you're doing it again aren't you
00:10:34what is this sunday night at the care home
00:10:37debonums
00:10:38debonums
00:10:39debonums
00:10:40debonums
00:10:42debonums
00:10:48My mum actually has got very deaf
00:10:51Yeah, my mum's got deaf
00:10:53So deaf in fact that she's had to get one of those hearing dogs
00:10:56You know, yeah
00:10:57Hearing dogs, only small
00:10:59Well, it has to be to fit in her ear
00:11:02And
00:11:02Get off the laughter tree
00:11:04And
00:11:06How it works is
00:11:07How it works is, right
00:11:09You say something to mum
00:11:10And then the dog repeats it
00:11:12Straight into her ear
00:11:14So you might say to mum
00:11:16Mum, do you want to watch
00:11:17Do you want to watch A Place in the Sun?
00:11:19Her face lights up
00:11:20You like that, don't you?
00:11:22A place in the sun
00:11:23A place in the sun
00:11:25A place in the sun
00:11:28And you can just hear the dog
00:11:30In the background going
00:11:31Mum, do you want to watch A Place in the Sun?
00:11:34It says do you want to watch A Place in the Sun?
00:11:37And
00:11:38If you haven't seen A Place in the Sun
00:11:41What it is, is
00:11:42Is, is, is, okay
00:11:42What it is, is, is, is
00:11:45What it is, is, is
00:11:47Is
00:11:47Is two people
00:11:48Who have no intention of buying a place
00:11:53In the Sun
00:11:55But they pretend for about an hour
00:11:57Oh yeah, yeah
00:11:58They go round all different places
00:12:00Oh, this one's nice
00:12:01But it's tiny
00:12:02Should there be a toilet in the kitchen?
00:12:04Erm
00:12:06And this one isn't even in the sun
00:12:07It's night time
00:12:08Oh, yes, so it is
00:12:10This one
00:12:12This one's nice and big bit
00:12:13It's a mile from anywhere
00:12:14It's got to be nearer Londis
00:12:16Otherwise he can't get his daily mail
00:12:19And
00:12:20And in the end
00:12:21They decide to stay in the shade
00:12:24And fritter away
00:12:26The seven grand
00:12:27That they had earmarked
00:12:28For the purchase
00:12:30On scratch cards
00:12:31And vapes
00:12:32Scratch
00:12:33Vapes
00:12:34Scratch
00:12:35Vapes
00:12:35Scratch
00:12:36Vapes
00:12:36Scratch
00:12:36Vapes
00:12:37Scratch
00:12:38Vapes
00:12:38Erm
00:12:40You've got a bath with a door in it
00:12:42You've got a bath with a
00:12:44Yeah, they're good aren't they
00:12:45Yeah
00:12:46Bath with a door in it
00:12:48Yeah
00:12:48Yeah, I'm in the bath
00:12:49I'm out of the bath
00:12:50I'm in the bath
00:12:51I'm having a bath
00:12:52In an open-top sports car
00:12:54Erm
00:12:56How old are you actually, sir?
00:12:57Do you mind me asking?
00:12:59Fifty-seven
00:12:59Fifty-seven?
00:13:00No
00:13:01Really?
00:13:02You're joking
00:13:03Wow
00:13:04Okay
00:13:04Erm
00:13:07It's only fifty-seven
00:13:08Yeah
00:13:09Erm
00:13:11Yeah, fifty-seven
00:13:12Really, yeah
00:13:12You work outside all your life
00:13:14You work outside
00:13:16No, it can
00:13:17It can do it to you
00:13:18You can't do the UV light
00:13:19Yeah
00:13:19It can be terribly ageing
00:13:21Erm
00:13:21Yeah
00:13:22You work on the roads
00:13:23Yeah
00:13:23You work on the
00:13:24You work on the roads
00:13:25Yeah
00:13:25The grits and the dirt
00:13:27And the UV light
00:13:28Yeah
00:13:29Yeah
00:13:30It's only fifty-seven
00:13:32Yeah
00:13:33Yeah
00:13:33Yeah
00:13:34You work on the boats maybe
00:13:35You work on the boats
00:13:35Yeah
00:13:36The wind
00:13:37The salt air
00:13:38And the wind burn
00:13:39And the UV
00:13:40Work on the rigs maybe
00:13:41You work on the oil rigs
00:13:42Yeah
00:13:42Yeah
00:13:43The fumes
00:13:44The fumes and the wind
00:13:45And the salt air
00:13:46The UV light
00:13:47Yeah
00:13:47On the rigs
00:13:48Yeah
00:13:48Long periods away from home
00:13:50Yeah
00:13:51Come back
00:13:51Another man's baby
00:13:52Another man's baby growing in her tummy
00:13:53Daddy
00:13:55Daddy girl
00:13:57Daddy
00:13:59You make him wear the horns of the cuckold
00:14:04The cuckold
00:14:06They point at him in the village
00:14:08As he walks by
00:14:09There goes the cuckold
00:14:12His wife was playing away
00:14:15He was on the rigs
00:14:16His wife was playing away
00:14:17She got pregnant by another fella
00:14:21You bring that baby up as your own
00:14:22And I love you for that
00:14:23I love you for that
00:14:24I love you
00:14:25Don't cry
00:14:25Come on
00:14:26Bring it in
00:14:26Come on
00:14:27Come on
00:14:27Bring it in
00:14:28Bring it in
00:14:29That's it
00:14:29That's it
00:14:30Bring it in
00:14:38Dryer ride mate
00:14:41I know it's hard to take
00:14:42But her mind
00:14:43Has been made up
00:14:45There's plenty more fish in the sea
00:14:48Except there aren't now
00:14:49Are there?
00:14:49Not with intensive fishing techniques
00:14:52What's your name?
00:14:53Old timer
00:14:54Graham
00:14:55Graham
00:14:55It's Graham everyone
00:14:56Yes
00:14:56I'm down here now
00:14:57Yes
00:14:59Yes
00:15:02I'm down here now
00:15:03The lovely blonde haired lady
00:15:04Lovely blonde hair
00:15:05Welcome madam
00:15:06Yeah
00:15:06But tell me
00:15:07Does the bonnet match the rest of the car?
00:15:11We don't know do we?
00:15:13He told me to say that
00:15:15He told me to say that
00:15:18Now we've all been in that situation
00:15:20Haven't we?
00:15:21Yeah fellas
00:15:21Yeah
00:15:22You buy a tin of paint
00:15:23It's only when you get it home
00:15:24That you realise
00:15:25That the colour on the lid
00:15:26Doesn't quite match
00:15:27What's inside
00:15:30Unfortunately by then
00:15:31You've got a bail
00:15:32On the end of your brush
00:15:33Yeah
00:15:36You have to go
00:15:36Phone up your mum
00:15:37And get her to come
00:15:37And pick you up
00:15:38Erm
00:15:40Well you might say to my mum
00:15:42Erm
00:15:43Mum do you want to watch
00:15:4324 hours in police custody?
00:15:45His face lights up
00:15:46You've been inside
00:15:47Yeah
00:15:48Yeah
00:15:48You've been inside
00:15:50Mum you want to watch 24 hours?
00:15:52I've been cancelled
00:15:53Yeah
00:15:54Yeah
00:15:54White collar crime
00:15:55Nothing serious
00:15:56Right
00:15:56Yeah
00:15:57Stuff went missing at work
00:15:59Right
00:15:59Yeah
00:15:59A few pens
00:16:00Yeah
00:16:01Laptop
00:16:01Fridge freezer
00:16:02Yeah
00:16:03Used to be called
00:16:04Perks at the job
00:16:05Didn't it?
00:16:05Used to be called
00:16:06Perks Graham
00:16:07Didn't it?
00:16:07Now apparently it's stealing
00:16:09We've lost so many of our traditions
00:16:11In this country
00:16:12So many of our great traditions
00:16:14My mum was actually
00:16:15In prison for a while
00:16:16Yeah
00:16:16She was erm
00:16:17And probably like you
00:16:18She smuggled a phone in
00:16:19Right did she?
00:16:20Yeah
00:16:20Smuggled a phone in
00:16:21An intimate place
00:16:22Rather
00:16:22Yeah
00:16:23A little bit sore for her
00:16:24Erm
00:16:24Yeah
00:16:25A little bit sore
00:16:26Because er
00:16:27Well
00:16:27It was a landline
00:16:28And erm
00:16:31She said she wanted to be sure
00:16:32She kept the same phone number
00:16:33I don't know if
00:16:35I don't know how that works
00:16:36Erm
00:16:37I said
00:16:38But you didn't need the
00:16:39You didn't need the answer machine
00:16:40Nan did you?
00:16:42Erm
00:16:43She said
00:16:43What if I'm not in
00:16:44It's a prison nan
00:16:46Erm
00:16:47And the prison tattoos
00:16:49You've had a few
00:16:49Got a few of those
00:16:50I see
00:16:50Yeah
00:16:51Erm
00:16:51My nan
00:16:52While she was in prison
00:16:53She had the whole
00:16:53London HZ tattooed
00:16:55Yeah
00:16:56All over her body
00:16:56From her head
00:16:57Right down to her feet
00:16:58And I tell you
00:16:59You say what you like
00:17:00About my nan
00:17:01But I tell you this
00:17:02You always knew
00:17:02Where you were with her
00:17:03You always
00:17:04Get up on the ladder train
00:17:06This is the good stuff
00:17:08This is the good stuff
00:17:10And erm
00:17:11Ha ha
00:17:12What I love about
00:17:13The 24 hours in police custody
00:17:15Is the no comment interview
00:17:18We've lifted prints
00:17:19Are they going to be yours?
00:17:20No comment
00:17:21Absolutely
00:17:22No comment
00:17:23Okay
00:17:24Erm
00:17:25I just think
00:17:26The police could have a bit more fun with it
00:17:27That's all
00:17:38Tequila
00:17:39It's not tequila
00:17:40Not tequila is it?
00:17:44It's not tequila is it?
00:17:53It's not tequila is it?
00:18:09A new chef
00:18:09In boots
00:18:11What do you have for lunch?
00:18:12A packet of strepsos
00:18:12And a ham and cheese baguette
00:18:15What do you have for lunch?
00:18:16A watch battery
00:18:17And a ducking hoisting sauce wrap
00:18:19Sorry
00:18:20I spat on you
00:18:21Erm
00:18:23I just think the police could have a bit more fun with it
00:18:25That's all
00:18:36All right
00:18:36No comment
00:18:39Smart
00:18:39Smart guy
00:18:40Yeah
00:18:42Yeah
00:18:42Well I suppose it'd better get back
00:18:44Get back
00:18:45Oh it's high isn't it?
00:18:46It's high
00:18:46Sorry
00:18:47Sorry would you mind
00:18:49Sorry it's just a bit
00:18:50Would you mind just give me a bit of a lift
00:18:51Out this way
00:18:52Yeah
00:19:01Come on you can
00:19:05Oh hello
00:19:07Er
00:19:08Yeah come on
00:19:09Keep
00:19:09That's it
00:19:10Keep
00:19:20Hashtag me too
00:19:21You saw him
00:19:23His hands
00:19:24His hands are all over me
00:19:26Come on
00:19:26There you go
00:19:30Er
00:19:31Sorry
00:19:31Sorry about this
00:19:32Sorry
00:19:32Just these
00:19:33Just these shoes
00:19:35They're just
00:19:35So they're just a bit tight
00:19:37I'm just gonna
00:19:39I'm just gonna slip
00:19:44Oh no
00:19:47Oh
00:19:48Oh no
00:19:51I see what I've done
00:19:54I put my shoes on
00:19:55Then I put my wife's shoes on on top
00:19:58I put my wife's
00:20:00I put my wife's shoes on
00:20:04The way Nan wanted to die
00:20:06She always said
00:20:06She said
00:20:07I want to die
00:20:07From a massive heart attack
00:20:09At the age of 101
00:20:10Whilst hang gliding
00:20:11Yeah
00:20:13And last May
00:20:14She turned 101
00:20:17In June
00:20:18She developed a massive heart attack
00:20:20And I don't know if you've ever tried getting
00:20:22An elderly lady
00:20:23Who's having a massive heart attack
00:20:25Onto a hang glider
00:20:28But it's a lot of work
00:20:30Get on
00:20:30Get on the hang glider
00:20:32Change my mind
00:20:33Get on
00:20:35We've driven out to beachy head now
00:20:37Come on
00:20:39We pushed her off
00:20:41And it seemed to me
00:20:43She had absolutely no aptitude
00:20:45For hang gliding whatsoever
00:20:47It was almost as if it was the first time
00:20:49She'd ever been hang gliding
00:20:51She went round a couple of times
00:20:53And she crashed it into a dog walker
00:20:55Yeah
00:20:55An ambulance was called
00:20:56She was taken to hospital
00:20:58Turns out
00:20:59It wasn't a heart attack
00:21:00It was in fact
00:21:00Indigestion
00:21:03And in the fall
00:21:04She broke a hip
00:21:05Needed a hip replacement
00:21:06But because of the cutbacks
00:21:07They'd run out of hips
00:21:09So they had to put in an elbow
00:21:13The upside is
00:21:14She can now play snooker
00:21:15Lying down
00:21:18Doesn't make any sense Harry
00:21:20I know
00:21:22But we're all storytellers
00:21:24We're all storytellers after all
00:21:26But it's
00:21:28After a while
00:21:29I found whatever I said
00:21:31To my mum
00:21:31She'd just get up
00:21:32And go and cook some sausages
00:21:34Yeah
00:21:35Turned out the hearing dog
00:21:36Was doing his own instructions
00:21:42Yeah
00:21:43She was being gaslit
00:21:44By a hearing dog
00:21:46So you might say to my mum
00:21:48Do you want to watch
00:21:48Long Lost Families?
00:21:49Her face lights up
00:21:50You like that don't you?
00:21:51Long Lost Families
00:21:52Long Lost Families
00:21:55He says he wants some sausages
00:21:58If you haven't seen
00:21:59Long Lost Families
00:22:00What it is
00:22:00Is
00:22:01Okay
00:22:01What it is
00:22:02Is
00:22:02Is
00:22:03Is
00:22:03Is
00:22:04A lady
00:22:05Who many years ago
00:22:06Dumped her baby
00:22:07Haven't got a problem with that
00:22:08Right
00:22:09There are a lot of work
00:22:10I don't blame her
00:22:13But here's the thing
00:22:15She thinks she's got away with it
00:22:21She hadn't bargained
00:22:22On Tavina McCaw
00:22:25Yeah she's involved
00:22:26And she never gives up
00:22:27No
00:22:27She's like a fox
00:22:28On a bin line
00:22:29Around the back of KFC
00:22:37Yeah so she did die now
00:22:38But
00:22:40But it got bad
00:22:41It got bad
00:22:41I'll be honest with you
00:22:42At one point
00:22:43She said
00:22:44She said
00:22:45I want to go to
00:22:46Sorry
00:22:48Sorry if it brings up
00:22:49All the emotion again
00:22:50She said
00:22:51I want to go to
00:22:53Dignitas
00:22:54Yeah
00:22:54Yeah very sad
00:22:55Yeah
00:22:57Dignitas
00:22:58She said
00:22:58I want to go to Dignitas
00:22:59Not funny actually
00:23:00If you don't mind
00:23:04I'm going to go to Dignitas
00:23:05So
00:23:06I booked
00:23:07I booked the flight
00:23:08It's quite a tricky one that
00:23:09One return
00:23:10One single
00:23:14Business or pleasure
00:23:15Bit of both
00:23:16If I'm honest
00:23:19One of us gets a house
00:23:20And
00:23:23It was only when I got to
00:23:24The Dignitas hotel
00:23:25And spa
00:23:27That
00:23:28Lovely room
00:23:29Lovely room
00:23:30Tea and coffee
00:23:30Making facilities
00:23:32It was only when I was
00:23:33Tucking her in
00:23:34B-Day
00:23:34It was only when I was
00:23:35Tucking her in
00:23:36That I realised
00:23:37What she was actually saying
00:23:39Was
00:23:39Disneyland
00:23:43Disneyland
00:23:44Disneyland
00:23:45Oh my god Disneyland
00:23:48We're here down now
00:23:49Aren't we
00:23:51Shame to waste a trip
00:23:53Isn't it
00:23:54Just down
00:23:55A bloke jumps out
00:23:56Of the wardrobe
00:23:56With a pillow
00:24:02I said
00:24:03Not me
00:24:03Her
00:24:05That lot
00:24:06They're trying to kill anyone
00:24:10So she did
00:24:11She did die
00:24:12And what I wanted
00:24:12For Nan
00:24:13For the funeral
00:24:14Was Nan
00:24:15Spelt out of flowers
00:24:16Down the coffin
00:24:17Alright
00:24:17Yeah nice touch
00:24:18Nan
00:24:19Spelt out
00:24:20So I went along
00:24:20To the place
00:24:21Where they grow
00:24:22All the different names
00:24:23And
00:24:25And they'd run out
00:24:26They'd run out of Nan
00:24:28Yeah
00:24:28Because of the cold snap
00:24:29Because of the cold snap
00:24:31It's only been so
00:24:32You can't burn your sofa
00:24:35You can't burn your sofa
00:24:36Not since they outlawed
00:24:37Inflammable foam
00:24:38In furniture
00:24:39Yeah
00:24:39We've lost so many
00:24:40Of our traditions
00:24:41In this country
00:24:43Used to be fun
00:24:43Didn't it
00:24:44Sitting in the night
00:24:44To your Nan
00:24:45She'd be sitting
00:24:45In the armchair
00:24:46Smoking
00:24:47Next morning
00:24:47Pile of ash
00:24:48On a pair of shoes
00:24:49We've lost
00:24:50So many traditions
00:24:51In this country
00:24:55So yeah
00:24:56I was clever
00:24:57Right
00:24:58Yeah
00:24:58I went along there
00:24:59I said
00:25:00Have you got a Nan
00:25:00Run out of Nan
00:25:01He said
00:25:02We've got a lot
00:25:03Of the less popular names
00:25:04He said
00:25:05We've got a lot of
00:25:05He said
00:25:05For instance
00:25:06We've got a whole field
00:25:07Of Hitler
00:25:10So
00:25:15She did die
00:25:17Right
00:25:17She did die
00:25:18But you know what
00:25:19At least now
00:25:19She's
00:25:22Free from desire
00:25:23Mind and senses purified
00:25:26Free from desire
00:25:27Mind and senses purified
00:25:30Free from desire
00:25:31Mind and senses purified
00:25:33Free from desire
00:25:37But that was Nana
00:25:38You know
00:25:56Skyfall
00:26:02So
00:26:05Thank you so much
00:26:10So
00:26:11So I said
00:26:12This is my last one
00:26:13Not this is my last one
00:26:14So I said to this bloke
00:26:16I said
00:26:16What's the difference
00:26:17Between an alpaca
00:26:18And a llama
00:26:19He said
00:26:20Well it should be
00:26:20On the packet
00:26:21I said
00:26:22Sorry
00:26:23I'm in the artisan butchers
00:26:24Yeah
00:26:26I'm in the artisan butchers
00:26:27I said
00:26:27Have you got any
00:26:28Of those quarter pandas
00:26:29He said
00:26:30I've had to
00:26:32He said
00:26:32I've had to stop
00:26:33Selling the pandas
00:26:34Ever since the
00:26:35Get on board
00:26:36The laughter train
00:26:38We don't like that one
00:26:39We don't like that one
00:26:40Harry
00:26:43Yeah I'm in the artisan butchers
00:26:45And suddenly
00:26:46A shout goes up
00:26:47Everyone on the floor
00:26:48I thought
00:26:49Great
00:26:49At disco
00:26:50But it wasn't
00:26:52It was an armed raid
00:26:54Yeah
00:26:55Armed raid
00:26:56At the artisan butchers
00:26:58Armed raid
00:26:59At the artisan butchers
00:27:09Everyone gets on the floor
00:27:11Apart from this one woman
00:27:13Right
00:27:13I'm saying to her
00:27:13Get on the floor love
00:27:14You'll get us all killed
00:27:15Get on the floor
00:27:16And I'm trying to pull her
00:27:17Onto the floor
00:27:19But the armed raid
00:27:20Had turned to me
00:27:20And said
00:27:21No it's alright
00:27:21If she's in a wheelchair
00:27:22Just leave her
00:27:27Well I said
00:27:28I've got her half out now
00:27:31I said
00:27:32To be honest
00:27:32It'd be easier
00:27:32To get her all the way out
00:27:33And get her back in
00:27:34He said
00:27:35Shut up
00:27:35And he starts
00:27:37Putting all the meat
00:27:38Into these bags
00:27:39Which reminds me
00:27:40One of the saddest things
00:27:41When Nan died
00:27:42Was having to throw out
00:27:43Her bags for life
00:27:47They're not transferable
00:27:48They're not
00:27:50And I notice
00:27:53I notice
00:27:54That he's putting fresh meat
00:27:55In with frozen meat
00:27:56Yeah
00:27:57Yeah
00:27:57I said to him
00:27:58I said
00:27:59You're making a lot of work
00:28:00For yourself
00:28:00When you get home
00:28:02He said
00:28:03What are you talking about
00:28:03I said
00:28:04Well
00:28:05I said
00:28:05All the frozen meat
00:28:06Will thaw out
00:28:07I said
00:28:07You won't be able to tell
00:28:08The difference between
00:28:08The fresh and the frozen
00:28:10The whole lot
00:28:10He said
00:28:12I'll just refreeze it
00:28:13I said
00:28:13You can't
00:28:16I said
00:28:17You can't
00:28:17Refreeze fresh meat
00:28:18That's thawed out
00:28:19You make yourself ill
00:28:20He said
00:28:21What are you talking about
00:28:21He said
00:28:22My Nan does it all the time
00:28:23She's 87 years old
00:28:24Never had a day's illness
00:28:25In her life
00:28:26I said
00:28:26Are you sure
00:28:27She's not thawing out the meat
00:28:30Cooking it
00:28:30Then refreezing it
00:28:33You can do that
00:28:35You can do that
00:28:39And he said
00:28:41And he said
00:28:42Yeah
00:28:42Yeah
00:28:42He can't
00:28:42You mention
00:28:43That is what
00:28:43She does
00:28:43Yeah
00:28:45You're quite right
00:28:45She thaws it out
00:28:47Cooks it before
00:28:47I said
00:28:48You can't do that
00:28:49He said
00:28:49What's your advice
00:28:50I said
00:28:50If I were you
00:28:50Portion it up
00:28:51In sandwich bags
00:28:52Then you can
00:28:53Pour out
00:28:53And refreeze
00:28:54What you need
00:28:55As you need it
00:28:57I said
00:28:57What do you want
00:28:58All this meat for
00:28:58Anyway
00:28:58He said
00:28:59I've just got
00:28:59A really good recipe
00:29:00For ragu
00:29:02From one of the
00:29:03Jamie Oliver books
00:29:04I said
00:29:05Right
00:29:05Yeah
00:29:05The Jamie books
00:29:06They're good
00:29:06Aren't they
00:29:07I said
00:29:07Which one is it
00:29:08I said
00:29:09Is it
00:29:09Is it
00:29:10Jamie's dinners
00:29:11He said
00:29:11No it's not
00:29:12Jamie's dinners
00:29:13I said
00:29:13Is it
00:29:14Jamie at home
00:29:15He said
00:29:15No it's not
00:29:16Jamie at home
00:29:17I said
00:29:17Is it
00:29:18Jamie's kitchen
00:29:18He said
00:29:19No it's not
00:29:19Jamie's kitchen
00:29:21I said
00:29:21Is it
00:29:21Jamie's Italy
00:29:22He said
00:29:23No it's not
00:29:23Jamie's Italy
00:29:25I said
00:29:25Is it
00:29:25Jamie's America
00:29:26He said
00:29:27No it's not
00:29:27Jamie's America
00:29:28I said
00:29:29Is it
00:29:29Jamie's
00:29:29Great Britain
00:29:30He said
00:29:30No it's not
00:29:31Jamie's
00:29:31Great Britain
00:29:32I said
00:29:32is it jamie's friday night feast he said no it's not jamie's friday night feast i said is it jamie's
00:29:37monster bakes he said no it's not jamie's monster bakes i said is it jamie's comfort food he said
00:29:43no it's not jamie's comfort food i said it's jamie's ministry of food he said no it's not
00:29:46jamie's ministry of food i said is it jamie's 30 minute meals he said no it's not jamie's
00:29:5030 minute meals i said is it jamie's 15 minute meals he said what 15 minutes for a goo come
00:29:57off it
00:30:00he said
00:30:04he said no it's a naked chef
00:30:06I said yeah alright before he put all the game in front of him
00:30:08I said with this interest
00:30:10in cookery I said that's what you should be doing
00:30:12you shouldn't be holding out butcher's shops
00:30:14he said I can't work
00:30:15he said because I'm a mum's carer
00:30:17ever since she had an accident at work
00:30:19she fell into a thresher
00:30:21I said what the elf licence
00:30:22come on one for Graham
00:30:24one for Graham alright old son don't touch the talent
00:30:31he said no it was an agricultural accident
00:30:33she fell into a natural thresher
00:30:34he said I kicked myself to this day
00:30:36he said because I could have stopped it
00:30:38he said but I was on antihistamines at the time
00:30:40and he said on the packet not to operate heavy machinery
00:30:47at this point I decide to make a run for it
00:30:49I run for the door
00:30:50he picks up a meat cleaver
00:30:51he throws it
00:30:52he goes hurtling over my head
00:30:54through the double doors
00:30:55into the back of a traffic warden
00:30:58who staggers into the path of an oncoming bus
00:31:01well a cheer goes up
00:31:03and
00:31:06I get home
00:31:07I say mum I've got the burgers
00:31:09I can just hear in the background
00:31:10not burgers sausages
00:31:14I start frying them up
00:31:15an awful smell coming off them
00:31:16so I go through the bin
00:31:17turns out they're past the sell by date
00:31:20so in the end I just had a sachet
00:31:22of that Ainsley Harriet Moroccan style couscous instead
00:31:37anyway that's what I've been up to
00:31:38what about you
00:31:56now someone said
00:31:58that they thought the self-esteem in the room was a bit low
00:32:01you're feeling that
00:32:01on a bit
00:32:03yeah
00:32:04self-esteem a bit low is it
00:32:05I thought we'd just ask a few questions
00:32:08get a rough idea of the level of the self-esteem
00:32:10we'll start low
00:32:12you sir
00:32:12do you mind me asking
00:32:14do you reckon you could beat
00:32:15I don't know
00:32:15an ant
00:32:17at badminton
00:32:18do you reckon
00:32:19you could
00:32:20yeah
00:32:20no
00:32:21no he's saying no
00:32:21maybe there's
00:32:22yeah
00:32:22maybe there's something in it
00:32:24this self-esteem thing
00:32:25it is a bit low
00:32:26we'll go up a level
00:32:27we'll go with that lady there
00:32:28look
00:32:28smiling
00:32:29do you reckon you could beat
00:32:31I don't know
00:32:31next level up
00:32:32a vole
00:32:33a ka-plunk
00:32:34do you reckon you could beat
00:32:35a vole
00:32:36a ka-plunk
00:32:39you think you could
00:32:40okay so we're getting
00:32:41a rough idea
00:32:42of the level
00:32:43what about you sir
00:32:44do you reckon you could beat
00:32:45I don't know
00:32:47a hamster
00:32:48a tennis
00:32:49do you reckon
00:32:51no
00:32:51let's find out
00:32:52as you join me
00:32:53for interspecies tennis
00:32:55give him a big hand
00:32:56come on up
00:33:00skip
00:33:01skip
00:33:04skip
00:33:07skip
00:33:08skip
00:33:17all right calm down
00:33:19calm down you're a little bit excited
00:33:21all right
00:33:22so
00:33:23yeah
00:33:24I used to love cat weasel
00:33:26now
00:33:27one for
00:33:27one for graham
00:33:28one for the old guys
00:33:29ask your dad
00:33:31ask your dad
00:33:31all right
00:33:32scroll
00:33:33vape
00:33:33scroll
00:33:33vape
00:33:34scroll
00:33:34vape
00:33:37let go
00:33:37let go
00:33:41is he all right
00:33:42is he all right
00:33:43yeah
00:33:43lives with his mum
00:33:44okay so
00:33:46what's your
00:33:48what's your name my friend
00:33:49Dave
00:33:49Dave
00:33:50Dave shortfall
00:33:51Dave
00:33:53that's as far back as he's traced it
00:33:54okay
00:33:58now Dave
00:33:59face the front please
00:34:00I do have to do a security check
00:34:04you understand the reasons for that
00:34:05I'm sure
00:34:06okay
00:34:07okay
00:34:35just empty that pocket for me
00:34:38Dave
00:34:39it's just a duster isn't it Dave
00:34:41just a duster
00:34:41all right
00:34:44you get scammed a lot
00:34:45you get scammed
00:34:46yeah
00:34:48all us old guys get scammed
00:34:50don't we
00:34:50graham
00:34:51yeah
00:34:52yeah
00:34:52starts with a couple of texts
00:34:53and before you know it
00:34:54you put your house in her name
00:34:56all right
00:34:57now
00:34:58I've done it again mum
00:34:59so
00:35:01Dave do you mind
00:35:02it's just been so long
00:35:03since I was
00:35:06oh it's lovely
00:35:07oh it's lovely
00:35:08look
00:35:08oh
00:35:09do you ever wear it back
00:35:10do you ever wear it back
00:35:10it's nice
00:35:11shows off that lovely face
00:35:13yeah
00:35:14yeah
00:35:14lovely
00:35:15okay
00:35:16yeah
00:35:16that should have gathered enough DNA for you graham
00:35:21why'd you do it to him
00:35:22why
00:35:24he was on the rigs
00:35:25he was away from home
00:35:29yeah
00:35:29he looks in that baby's eyes
00:35:31he sees your eyes
00:35:32staring back at him
00:35:37now
00:35:37now
00:35:38you've probably seen these
00:35:40Dave
00:35:40have you
00:35:40the
00:35:41the miracle frazzles
00:35:42you've seen these
00:35:43yeah
00:35:43bit of fun
00:35:44yeah
00:35:45apparently how the frazzle reacts to your body
00:35:47he tells us a little bit
00:35:48about your personality
00:35:50all right
00:35:51you up for that
00:35:51yeah
00:35:51pop your hand up
00:35:52Dave
00:35:53and let's
00:35:54okay
00:35:54pop that there
00:35:55let's see how that's
00:35:56reacting
00:35:56is it
00:35:58is it curling up at the sides Dave
00:36:02no it's not
00:36:03it's not curling up at the
00:36:04at the sides
00:36:05is it curling up at one end Dave
00:36:08it's not
00:36:09is it
00:36:09it's not curling up at the end
00:36:10is it turning over Dave
00:36:13it's not
00:36:14is it rolling over
00:36:18what's it doing
00:36:19just lying flat
00:36:21just lying flat
00:36:22lying flat
00:36:23sex maniac
00:36:24damn
00:36:26open wide
00:36:27the body of Christ
00:36:29it's really too
00:36:32sancto
00:36:33if it is in Chelsea 1
00:36:34Wolverhampton Wanderers 3
00:36:39with your permission Dave
00:36:41I would just like to take a foil mold of your face
00:37:05my name is Dave
00:37:07do you want to come back to my place
00:37:10and you're probably wondering
00:37:12you're probably wondering Dave
00:37:13what I'm going to do with that
00:37:14well tomorrow
00:37:15I'm going to make a jelly
00:37:16yes
00:37:17or a blancmange
00:37:19a Dave face jelly
00:37:20or blancmange
00:37:21now
00:37:21Dave
00:37:22normally at this point
00:37:23I bring my son Gary on
00:37:25for my first marriage
00:37:27hooray
00:37:27nothing
00:37:29oh it's too late now
00:37:30don't patronise me
00:37:33normally I bring my son Gary on
00:37:38and he does some of his jokes Dave
00:37:40but unfortunately he's been very ill
00:37:41yeah
00:37:42basically
00:37:44it's not butlins is it
00:37:45it's wartham stone
00:37:47you're better than that
00:37:50he's been very ill
00:37:51yeah he's got a runny tummy basically
00:37:52because he had
00:37:53well he ate some sausages
00:37:54he thawed them out
00:37:56and froze them with that
00:37:58a reference to her
00:37:59earlier on
00:38:02so I was wondering
00:38:03whether you do
00:38:04Gary's jokes for him Dave
00:38:05would you be up for that
00:38:06God bless you
00:38:06alright let's
00:38:08let's
00:38:09let's hear your first joke
00:38:10come on
00:38:11yeah
00:38:11come on Dave
00:38:13come on
00:38:14come on Dave
00:38:15come on Dave
00:38:16alright
00:38:16yeah
00:38:21what do you do for a living Dave?
00:38:23I'm retired
00:38:24okay
00:38:25yeah
00:38:25what do you
00:38:25did you do anything prior to that
00:38:27or
00:38:29well I worked in IT
00:38:38it's fun isn't it Dave
00:38:39alright now
00:38:41let's hear your first
00:38:42let's hear your first joke
00:38:44here are we
00:38:45I went to see the movie
00:38:47is that your voice?
00:38:53he's putting a funny voice on
00:38:55alright
00:38:56it's alright
00:38:57it's alright
00:38:58shake it out
00:38:58don't be
00:38:59alright just
00:38:59just be yourself
00:39:01okay
00:39:01that's the Dave we want
00:39:03remember Dave
00:39:04this is really about me
00:39:05this show
00:39:08alright
00:39:08okay
00:39:11here Harry
00:39:12I went to see the movie
00:39:14Dark Knight
00:39:14with the Archbishop of Conterbury
00:39:16but on the way back
00:39:18he ran over me
00:39:20oh no
00:39:21start again
00:39:21start again
00:39:22alright
00:39:22he was run over me
00:39:44by a combine harvester
00:39:47Christian Bale
00:39:51she likes that one
00:39:52see her face light up
00:39:56next bit
00:40:00yes
00:40:01and Heath Ledger
00:40:02was in it
00:40:03it
00:40:05yes
00:40:07and Heath Ledger
00:40:09was in it
00:40:10it as well
00:40:15don't need that second bit Dave
00:40:16I don't think we need that
00:40:18that tends to sort of
00:40:19draw the focus away
00:40:19from the main
00:40:21cut him some slack
00:40:22he's new to it
00:40:22alright
00:40:23okay
00:40:24second joke
00:40:25hey Harry
00:40:27sorry
00:40:29hey Harry
00:40:30I went to a party
00:40:32with the former
00:40:32Home Secretary
00:40:33Davey Blunkett
00:40:35well
00:40:35he stripped to the waist
00:40:36and played a party game
00:40:38blind man's buff
00:40:42she likes that one
00:40:43no
00:40:44she doesn't have that one
00:40:47well
00:40:48he's certainly been working out
00:40:51don't need that second bit
00:40:52don't need that second bit
00:40:53I don't know
00:40:54just draws the attention
00:40:55away from the main laugh
00:40:56alright
00:40:56last one
00:40:57last one Dave
00:40:58then all you've got to do
00:40:58is play hamster at swing ball
00:41:00okay
00:41:02you sleep well tonight
00:41:03won't you
00:41:03sleep well tonight
00:41:06here
00:41:06I was doing the catering
00:41:08at a benefit concert
00:41:09featuring Eric Clapton
00:41:11and the one time host
00:41:13of News at Ten
00:41:14Mr McDonald
00:41:16he ordered Italian
00:41:17star potato dumplings
00:41:18but as I took them
00:41:20to his dressing room
00:41:21I tripped and spilled them
00:41:23knocky on Trevor's door
00:41:29no
00:41:29tears in heaven
00:41:30don't need that second bit
00:41:31so far
00:41:33now Dave
00:41:34you probably want to meet
00:41:35the hamster
00:41:36that you're going to be
00:41:36playing at swing ball
00:41:38I'll see if you'll come out
00:41:39he's very shy
00:41:40come on out
00:41:40oh look it's Abu
00:41:41everyone
00:41:42it's Abu
00:41:46it's Abu
00:41:47hamster
00:41:50it's Abu
00:41:50hamster's come all the way
00:41:51from Finsbury Park
00:41:52can we have the
00:41:55it's only a couple of stops
00:41:57on the Victoria line
00:41:59for Abu
00:42:00Abu hamster
00:42:01right
00:42:02first of all
00:42:02we have to find out
00:42:03who's going to serve first
00:42:04Dave
00:42:04so pop your spuds in
00:42:05pop your spuds in
00:42:06and let's find out
00:42:07who's going to serve first
00:42:08pop your spuds in
00:42:10we've lost so many
00:42:11of our traditions
00:42:11Graham
00:42:12haven't we
00:42:12the spuds
00:42:13pop the spuds
00:42:14yes
00:42:14yes
00:42:15here we go then
00:42:21Abu's going to serve first
00:42:26and
00:42:29obviously Dave
00:42:29I have to hold Abu
00:42:30up
00:42:31otherwise he can't reach
00:42:36let's play
00:42:37interspecies swing ball
00:42:39come on Dave
00:42:45come on Dave
00:42:57oh Abu
00:42:58I'm so
00:42:58I'm so
00:42:59I'm so sorry
00:43:00I can see you wanted to win
00:43:02but Abu has won
00:43:03look as you can see
00:43:05Abu's won
00:43:06but look you don't go away
00:43:07empty handed
00:43:08okay there's some lovely
00:43:10prizes for you
00:43:10there's a free badge
00:43:11a free badge
00:43:13a complimentary
00:43:14Michael McIntyre DVD
00:43:18and a signed copy
00:43:20of the tour brochure
00:43:20it's Dave everyone
00:43:31and
00:43:35you okay to join us
00:43:36for the finale song
00:43:37at the end Dave
00:43:38yes
00:43:38lovely
00:43:39someone will come
00:43:40and get you
00:43:40now
00:43:43I went fine
00:43:44for the first time
00:43:45recently
00:43:45never been flying before
00:43:46hard to believe I know
00:43:47normally what I do is
00:43:48I get the train to France
00:43:49you know I get the
00:43:50Eurostar
00:43:50to France
00:43:51and on the way back
00:43:52I normally just get
00:43:53one of the small boats
00:43:58you don't have to book
00:43:59you don't have to book
00:44:02so I was in
00:44:03yeah I arrived at the airport
00:44:04never been to an airport
00:44:05before
00:44:05it's all a novelty to me
00:44:06I walk in
00:44:07the bloke says
00:44:08take your shoes off
00:44:08put them on the tray
00:44:09I said I've never had that
00:44:10in Pret-a-Manger before
00:44:12and then
00:44:15and then I go
00:44:16through security
00:44:16all right
00:44:17you know the security
00:44:17archway
00:44:18I walk through there
00:44:19set it off
00:44:19all right
00:44:20the security guard
00:44:21goes come here
00:44:22come here
00:44:22and he goes to a
00:44:23more focused approach
00:44:24like I did with Dave
00:44:25like that
00:44:28he said I'm getting
00:44:29a very strong signal
00:44:31from your nose
00:44:31he said any
00:44:32any reason for that
00:44:34I said from my nose
00:44:35he said yes
00:44:35I said I can't imagine
00:44:36what that
00:44:37I said I'll tell you
00:44:38what it could be
00:44:39I said I was watching
00:44:40the repair shop
00:44:41his face lights up
00:44:41yeah you like that
00:44:43you like the repair shop
00:44:44don't you
00:44:44the repair shop
00:44:46the repair shop
00:44:47go and cook some sausages
00:44:49you bitch
00:44:53I was watching the repair shop
00:44:54you know how they
00:44:55they have a lot of
00:44:56cotton buds on that show
00:44:57they use a lot
00:44:57I always have a few
00:44:58cotton buds in front of me
00:44:59just so I feel a bit
00:45:00more involved
00:45:01and I'm watching the repair show
00:45:03I'm just fiddling with this
00:45:04cotton bud
00:45:05and before I knew it
00:45:06I pushed this cotton bud
00:45:07all the way up
00:45:08inside my nose
00:45:09and the more
00:45:10I tried to get
00:45:11the cotton bud out
00:45:12the further up
00:45:13I pushed it
00:45:14and the security guard said
00:45:17no it won't be that
00:45:18it won't be that
00:45:18no he said
00:45:19no it's a metallic signal
00:45:21he said
00:45:22it's a strongly metallic signal
00:45:24any reason for that
00:45:24I said
00:45:25I can't imagine
00:45:26metallic signal
00:45:27he said yeah
00:45:28I can't imagine
00:45:30I said I'll tell you
00:45:30where it could be
00:45:31I said I was watching
00:45:32the repair shop
00:45:32his face lights up
00:45:33and you know
00:45:35how they use a lot of
00:45:35tweezers on that show
00:45:37metal tweezers
00:45:37yeah I always have a pair
00:45:38in front of me
00:45:39just so I feel a bit
00:45:40more involved
00:45:40I thought
00:45:41I'll see if I can get
00:45:42the cotton bud out
00:45:43with the tweezers
00:45:44but what's happening is
00:45:46I'm trying to get
00:45:46the cotton bud out
00:45:47I'm just pushing it
00:45:48further up
00:45:49and the more I tried
00:45:50to get the cotton bud out
00:45:51the further up
00:45:52I pushed the tweezers
00:45:53until finally
00:45:53I'd lost control
00:45:54of the tweezers too
00:45:57and the more I tried
00:45:58to get them out
00:45:58the further up
00:45:59I pushed them
00:45:59he said it could be that
00:46:00he said it could be that
00:46:01he said it is a metallic signal
00:46:03he said but it's a
00:46:04strongly magnetic signal
00:46:05he said any reason for that
00:46:06I said magnetic signal
00:46:08he said what for a magnet
00:46:09he said yeah
00:46:09I said I can't imagine
00:46:10what that
00:46:12I'll tell you what it could be
00:46:14I was watching the repair shop
00:46:15his face lights up
00:46:17you know how they use
00:46:18a lot of little tiny magnets
00:46:19on that
00:46:20yeah
00:46:20I always have a pair
00:46:21of magnets in front of me
00:46:22just so I feel a bit more involved
00:46:24attached a magnet
00:46:25to a second cotton bud
00:46:26see if I could draw out
00:46:27the tweezers
00:46:28with the magnet
00:46:29what's happening is
00:46:30I'm pushing the second
00:46:31cotton bud out
00:46:31it's just pushing the tweezers
00:46:32even further up
00:46:33that's pushing the first
00:46:35cotton bud further still
00:46:36until finally
00:46:37I'd lost control
00:46:38of the second cotton bud too
00:46:39and the more I tried
00:46:40to get it out
00:46:40the further up
00:46:41I pushed it
00:46:42and he said
00:46:44just go through
00:46:45just
00:46:47he said just go through
00:46:50so
00:46:50I go through
00:46:52it's all a novelty to me
00:46:54you've probably had it
00:46:54the guy opens the bag
00:46:56he gets a square of material
00:46:57on some tongs
00:46:58he's wiping
00:46:58all around the inside
00:47:00of the bag
00:47:00then he takes the square
00:47:01of material
00:47:02and he ate it
00:47:03we don't know who he was
00:47:08we never found out
00:47:09I walked a bit further
00:47:12okay there's the rate
00:47:13you're experiencing
00:47:13you know the happy face
00:47:15the intermediate face
00:47:16the sad face
00:47:17I thought I'd give him
00:47:18the benefit of the doubt
00:47:18I slapped the happy face
00:47:20but it was triplets
00:47:21in a pram
00:47:28sorry madam
00:47:28and
00:47:30well the happy face
00:47:31turned into a sad face
00:47:32I wasn't sure
00:47:32how I'd voted
00:47:34I walked through
00:47:35suddenly there's
00:47:36announcement on the tannoy
00:47:37anyone with small children
00:47:38we're now boarding
00:47:39anyone with small children
00:47:42well it took me a while
00:47:43but I found one
00:47:43come on
00:47:45you're coming on holiday
00:47:46with me
00:47:47Sally
00:47:48but not in a creepy way
00:47:51we get on the plane
00:47:52right
00:47:53we take off
00:47:53I didn't realise
00:47:54that there was this
00:47:55pre-flight puppet show
00:47:56you know it's all
00:47:57a novelty to me
00:47:57the woman stands
00:47:58in the middle there
00:47:59like that
00:47:59and she's going
00:48:00like that
00:48:00and like that
00:48:01then my favourite bit
00:48:02the jellyfish puppet
00:48:03comes down
00:48:05with a yellow beak
00:48:06and she gives it
00:48:07a big kiss
00:48:07well
00:48:10we took off
00:48:11we took off
00:48:12we're flying around
00:48:13fine
00:48:13suddenly
00:48:14the plane
00:48:15lurches to the right
00:48:16the captain comes on
00:48:17what's happened is
00:48:18he says
00:48:18a bird
00:48:19specifically a heron
00:48:22for the purposes
00:48:23of this joke
00:48:23a heron
00:48:24has
00:48:25got its beak
00:48:26stuck
00:48:27in one of the jet engines
00:48:28he said
00:48:28we need a volunteer
00:48:29to go out onto the wing
00:48:32to dislodge
00:48:33the heron's beak
00:48:33well like a fool
00:48:34I volunteer
00:48:35I walk out
00:48:35on the wing
00:48:36it's very windy up there
00:48:39the best way to
00:48:40illustrate this
00:48:41probably would be
00:48:41with an ironing board
00:48:43and a leaf blower
00:48:43but I don't think
00:48:44we've got
00:48:44oh we've got one
00:48:46we've got one
00:48:47this is Klaus
00:48:48by the way
00:48:49Klaus
00:48:49who was
00:48:53born in Germany
00:48:54and then his family
00:48:54had to suddenly
00:48:55relocate to Argentina
00:48:56we never
00:49:01I walked out
00:49:06this doesn't seem
00:49:07quite
00:49:07I walked out
00:49:11onto the
00:49:14actually thinking
00:49:15about it
00:49:16I crawled out
00:49:17that's right
00:49:18I crawled
00:49:18yes
00:49:18I crawled out
00:49:20onto the wing
00:49:21very windy up there
00:49:22hence the leaf blower
00:49:23I crawled out
00:49:24onto the wing
00:49:26and attempted
00:49:27to reach
00:49:28there
00:49:52the wind drop
00:49:55and
00:49:58I came over
00:49:59with a heron
00:49:59I said
00:50:00what's your name
00:50:00and the heron
00:50:02said
00:50:02it's Charlize
00:50:05I said
00:50:05I said
00:50:08what Charlize
00:50:08Theron
00:50:21what is it
00:50:22what is it
00:50:22what is it you want
00:50:22from me
00:50:23exactly
00:50:25I'm a 61
00:50:26year old man
00:50:27on an ironing board
00:50:28with a leaf blower
00:50:30for Christ's sake
00:50:30you try coming up
00:50:32with funny ideas
00:50:32after 35 years
00:50:35oh thanks Klaus
00:50:36yeah it does make
00:50:36your mouth rather dry
00:50:38so I crawled back
00:50:40onto the
00:50:42Jesus
00:50:43Jesus
00:50:44Christ
00:50:54Mr. Harry
00:50:55who could that be
00:50:57Mr. Harry
00:50:58it can't be
00:50:59I can't be
00:51:00is that you
00:51:01or Mr. Harry
00:51:04it's
00:51:04Stooper
00:51:05everyone
00:51:14near
00:51:15cat veins
00:51:19ask your dad
00:51:20ask your dad
00:51:22now I know
00:51:23he's only small
00:51:23so for those of you
00:51:24at the back
00:51:25this is what
00:51:26they're seeing
00:51:26down the front
00:51:36can't you do
00:51:37anything right
00:51:42you'd better get
00:51:42down that grooming bay
00:51:45and make haste
00:51:46for the parade
00:51:46isn't but half an hour
00:51:49so he is only small
00:51:51Mr. Harry
00:51:52nice to see you
00:51:52yeah long time
00:51:53no see
00:51:53yeah long time
00:51:54no see Mr. Harry
00:51:56I was beginning
00:51:57to think that
00:51:58maybe you felt
00:51:59you couldn't
00:52:00still do this voice
00:52:02you know
00:52:03after they came
00:52:04for the little
00:52:04Britain guys
00:52:05well
00:52:05slightly
00:52:07slightly different
00:52:12you are a cat
00:52:14of colour
00:52:14I'm a blue cat
00:52:15I'm a blue cat
00:52:15Mr. Harry
00:52:16yes
00:52:16why are you blue
00:52:17actually
00:52:17well it's a bit
00:52:19embarrassing for me
00:52:19Mr. Harry
00:52:20well just whisper it
00:52:21to me then
00:52:21Steve
00:52:24your mum
00:52:25yes
00:52:27with a smurf
00:52:32are you right
00:52:33Steve
00:52:36what's up
00:52:37I had some
00:52:38of Gary's sausages
00:52:40I think I'm
00:52:41going to be
00:52:41I think
00:52:42I think
00:52:44oh
00:52:47Stu
00:52:49I'll hold
00:52:50your ears back
00:53:17I'll hold
00:53:17your ears back
00:53:18oh
00:53:20that's better
00:53:22Mr. Harry
00:53:23yeah
00:53:23yes Stu
00:53:24I had an idea
00:53:25maybe
00:53:25because you know
00:53:26I'm a different
00:53:27species to
00:53:28Abu the hamster
00:53:28yes Stu
00:53:29well I was
00:53:30thinking maybe
00:53:31I could play
00:53:31him at swing
00:53:32ball
00:53:32oh I see
00:53:33what you mean
00:53:33another round
00:53:34of interspecies
00:53:36that's it Stu
00:53:36for you
00:53:37help me
00:53:39another round
00:53:40of interspecies
00:53:41swing ball
00:53:42yes why not
00:53:46let's play
00:53:47round two
00:53:48of interspecies
00:53:50swing ball
00:53:51go on
00:53:51go on Abu
00:53:52go on
00:53:54go on Stu
00:53:54come on
00:53:58that's it
00:53:58come on
00:53:59go on
00:54:04oh and
00:54:05Stupa's won
00:54:06Stupa's won
00:54:09the second round
00:54:11of interspecies
00:54:12swing ball
00:54:13sorted
00:54:13respect you
00:54:14that's all I do
00:54:15with him
00:54:16Stupa there
00:54:16everyone
00:54:17Stupa
00:54:26yeah we're
00:54:28keeping it
00:54:28moving
00:54:31who likes
00:54:32jokes
00:54:34who likes
00:54:35jokes from
00:54:35my old act
00:54:36that I
00:54:36haven't managed
00:54:37to crowbar
00:54:37into the
00:54:37main body
00:54:38of the show
00:54:40but you're
00:54:41going to love
00:54:41the wheel
00:54:41of jokes
00:54:42basically on
00:54:42this wheel
00:54:43I've written
00:54:43a number
00:54:43of my
00:54:43favourite
00:54:44jokes
00:54:44we're
00:54:45going to
00:54:45spin the
00:54:45wheel
00:54:45wherever
00:54:46it so
00:54:46lands
00:54:47I am
00:54:47going to
00:54:47read them
00:54:48out
00:54:48and we'll
00:54:48find out
00:54:49whether
00:54:49they're
00:54:49still
00:54:49funny
00:54:50or
00:54:50better
00:54:50still
00:54:51relevant
00:54:54let's
00:54:54spin the
00:54:55wheel
00:54:55of jokes
00:54:58wheel of
00:54:58jokes
00:54:59wheel of
00:54:59jokes
00:54:59wheel of
00:55:02jokes
00:55:02wheel of
00:55:04jokes
00:55:04crying out
00:55:05loud
00:55:08it's a night
00:55:09of all
00:55:10nights
00:55:16walthamstow
00:55:19all right
00:55:19we'll do it
00:55:20the old
00:55:20fashioned
00:55:21way
00:55:21we'll do it
00:55:21the old
00:55:21way
00:55:22that we
00:55:22used to
00:55:22do it
00:55:22Graham
00:55:23in the
00:55:23old
00:55:24days
00:55:26all right
00:55:26let's see
00:55:27where it
00:55:28stops
00:55:29the poppy
00:55:29the poppy
00:55:30had special
00:55:31significance
00:55:32for my
00:55:32granddad
00:55:33because
00:55:33between
00:55:34the years
00:55:341939 to
00:55:3545
00:55:36he was
00:55:36a heroin
00:55:37addict
00:55:43we tried
00:55:43to make
00:55:43him go
00:55:44to rehab
00:55:44but he
00:55:44said
00:55:45I can't
00:55:46remember
00:55:46but I
00:55:47remember
00:55:48broadly he
00:55:49was fairly
00:55:49negative about
00:55:50the whole
00:55:50idea
00:55:52black sky
00:55:53my dad
00:55:53used to
00:55:53say to me
00:55:54black sky
00:55:54at night
00:55:55night
00:56:01black sky
00:56:02in the
00:56:02morning
00:56:03I've
00:56:03woken up
00:56:04at night
00:56:04again
00:56:05and then
00:56:06he would
00:56:06send me
00:56:06to the
00:56:07naughty
00:56:07step
00:56:07my dad
00:56:08yeah
00:56:08the
00:56:08naughty
00:56:09step
00:56:09so called
00:56:10because of
00:56:10the erotic
00:56:11carvings
00:56:11that he
00:56:11done on
00:56:12it
00:56:12thanks dad
00:56:14thanks dad
00:56:17sweets
00:56:18sweets
00:56:18yes my
00:56:19mum used
00:56:19to say
00:56:19to me
00:56:20never accept
00:56:21sweets
00:56:21from strangers
00:56:22and by
00:56:22that I
00:56:23assumed
00:56:24that savoury
00:56:25items were
00:56:25okay
00:56:28yeah a
00:56:29French kiss
00:56:29a lorry
00:56:30driver
00:56:30for a
00:56:30packet
00:56:31of
00:56:31frazzles
00:56:36and that
00:56:36lorry
00:56:36driver is
00:56:37now my
00:56:37wife
00:56:37yeah
00:56:39yeah
00:56:39take your
00:56:40sexist
00:56:40stereotypes
00:56:42stuff
00:56:42them
00:56:45the
00:56:46bouncy
00:56:46castles
00:56:47yeah I
00:56:47love the
00:56:47bouncy
00:56:47castles
00:56:48don't you
00:56:48why
00:56:49I saw
00:56:49one the
00:56:50other day
00:56:50a big
00:56:50pile of
00:56:51shoes
00:56:51outside
00:56:51I took
00:56:52my shoes
00:56:52off and
00:56:53I added
00:56:53them to
00:56:53the pile
00:56:54and I
00:56:55jumped on
00:56:56but it
00:56:56was a
00:56:57mosque
00:57:10don't want
00:57:10any trouble
00:57:13here's the
00:57:13church
00:57:14here's the
00:57:14steeple
00:57:15look inside
00:57:16yeah not as
00:57:17popular as they
00:57:17used to be
00:57:17are they
00:57:21what else
00:57:21we got
00:57:23aborigines
00:57:24oh yes I
00:57:24was in
00:57:25I was in
00:57:26Australia
00:57:26recently
00:57:27wasn't really
00:57:27and
00:57:29the waiter
00:57:30I was having
00:57:31a private
00:57:31meal with a
00:57:32friend of
00:57:32mine and
00:57:32the waiter
00:57:33overheard me
00:57:34saying to
00:57:34my friend
00:57:35that I
00:57:35hate
00:57:36aborigines
00:57:36now
00:57:38yes it
00:57:39was a
00:57:39private
00:57:39conversation
00:57:40I meant
00:57:40it to go
00:57:40no further
00:57:42but he
00:57:43overheard me
00:57:43and he
00:57:43picked me
00:57:43up on it
00:57:44he said
00:57:44what did
00:57:45you say
00:57:46I said
00:57:46it was a
00:57:47private
00:57:47conversation
00:57:48I said
00:57:49but I was
00:57:49just telling
00:57:49my friend
00:57:51how much I
00:57:51hate aborigines
00:57:52he said
00:57:53I thought you
00:57:54said that
00:57:54he said
00:57:54I dare you
00:57:56come over
00:57:57here and
00:57:57send it
00:57:58he said
00:57:58take it
00:57:59dick
00:58:02I said
00:58:03what part
00:58:03of Australia
00:58:04are you
00:58:04from
00:58:07he said
00:58:07well I
00:58:08grew up
00:58:08in
00:58:09Johannesburg
00:58:09and
00:58:09we
00:58:11moved to
00:58:11Australia
00:58:15he said
00:58:15take it
00:58:16back
00:58:16I said
00:58:16well
00:58:16I said
00:58:17I've never
00:58:17liked
00:58:18aborigines
00:58:18I don't
00:58:18like them
00:58:19now
00:58:19I don't
00:58:19suppose
00:58:19I ever
00:58:20will
00:58:20in fact
00:58:20you could
00:58:20say
00:58:21I hate
00:58:21them
00:58:21I hate
00:58:22aborigines
00:58:22he said
00:58:23take it
00:58:23back
00:58:23I said
00:58:24I won't
00:58:24take it
00:58:24back
00:58:24he gets
00:58:25me
00:58:25on the
00:58:25floor
00:58:25and he
00:58:26starts
00:58:26flicking
00:58:26me
00:58:26with a
00:58:27menu
00:58:27card
00:58:27and it's
00:58:28laminated
00:58:29so it
00:58:29stings
00:58:30flick
00:58:31and he's
00:58:32shouting
00:58:32at me
00:58:32take it
00:58:33back
00:58:33I won't
00:58:34take it
00:58:34back
00:58:34I hate
00:58:35aborigines
00:58:35flick
00:58:36take it
00:58:36back
00:58:37I won't
00:58:37take it
00:58:38back
00:58:38I hate
00:58:39aborigines
00:58:39flick
00:58:40take it
00:58:40back
00:58:40I won't
00:58:41I hate
00:58:42them
00:58:42I hate
00:58:43aborigines
00:58:44anyway
00:58:44my friend
00:58:45dragged him
00:58:45off into
00:58:46a corner
00:58:46there was
00:58:47a heated
00:58:47discussion
00:58:48anyway
00:58:48turns out
00:58:49it's
00:58:50pronounced
00:58:50aubergines
00:58:56but sure
00:58:58weren't
00:58:59sure
00:58:59where
00:58:59we
00:58:59were
00:59:00going
00:59:00with
00:59:00that
00:59:00one
00:59:03daddy
00:59:07I'm
00:59:07feeling
00:59:08better
00:59:08it's
00:59:09Gary
00:59:09everyone
00:59:13look daddy
00:59:14I'm
00:59:14walking
00:59:14I'm
00:59:15walking
00:59:18look daddy
00:59:19I'm
00:59:19running
00:59:19I'm
00:59:20running
00:59:20daddy
00:59:23bit more
00:59:24okay
00:59:26look daddy
00:59:27I'm
00:59:27tap dancing
00:59:32go on
00:59:33Gary
00:59:39Gary
00:59:39Gary
00:59:40you're
00:59:41trying
00:59:45Gary
00:59:46you're
00:59:46trying
00:59:48sausages
00:59:49oh daddy
00:59:50I'm
00:59:55sorry
00:59:56oh daddy
00:59:57I'm
00:59:57sorry
01:00:00it's
01:00:00sausage
01:00:01time
01:00:01that's
01:00:01what
01:00:01you say
01:00:02isn't
01:00:02it
01:00:02daddy
01:00:03I
01:00:05told you
01:00:05you should
01:00:06have
01:00:06cooked them
01:00:06first
01:00:09deep
01:00:09breath
01:00:10Gary
01:00:13so
01:00:14Gary
01:00:15stand up
01:00:16straight
01:00:16when I'm
01:00:16talking to
01:00:17you
01:00:17so
01:00:21Gary
01:00:24don't make
01:00:25that noise
01:00:25Gary
01:00:25it'll
01:00:26limit
01:00:26your
01:00:26appeal
01:00:27sorry
01:00:27daddy
01:00:29daddy
01:00:31what are
01:00:31you doing
01:00:31for us
01:00:32today
01:00:32I thought
01:00:34I'd do
01:00:35some of
01:00:35my jokes
01:00:36oh
01:00:36lovely
01:00:36Gary
01:00:37yes
01:00:38okay
01:00:39off you
01:00:39go
01:00:39but I'm
01:00:40very nervous
01:00:40don't be
01:00:41nervous
01:00:41Gary
01:00:41they want
01:00:41to like
01:00:42you
01:00:42believe
01:00:42me
01:00:43okay
01:00:45alright
01:00:45first joke
01:00:46off you
01:00:46go
01:00:46daddy
01:00:47daddy
01:00:48daddy
01:00:48daddy
01:00:48I
01:00:49I
01:00:50I
01:00:51went to
01:00:51a Thai
01:00:52restaurant
01:00:52did you
01:00:53Gary
01:00:53yes
01:00:54I went
01:00:54to a Thai
01:00:55restaurant
01:00:56with a rap
01:00:57artist
01:00:57well he
01:00:59ordered the
01:00:59prawns in
01:00:59batter
01:01:00but when
01:01:01they arrived
01:01:01well they
01:01:02were very
01:01:03small
01:01:03tiny tempura
01:01:05no
01:01:08tingy strider
01:01:18they
01:01:18they hate
01:01:18they hate
01:01:19daddy
01:01:19they
01:01:19hate
01:01:19me
01:01:19nonsense
01:01:21nonsense
01:01:21why can't
01:01:22you be
01:01:22as funny
01:01:22as you
01:01:23daddy
01:01:24take last
01:01:25night
01:01:25the audience
01:01:26carried you
01:01:27shoulder high
01:01:27to your
01:01:28car
01:01:28and topped
01:01:29up your
01:01:29feet from
01:01:29their own
01:01:30pockets
01:01:30don't put
01:01:31them under
01:01:31unnecessary
01:01:31pressure
01:01:32Gary
01:01:33if it
01:01:34happens
01:01:34it
01:01:34happens
01:01:35it
01:01:35always
01:01:35happens
01:01:36have
01:01:37another
01:01:37go
01:01:37Gary
01:01:39daddy
01:01:40daddy
01:01:41daddy
01:01:41daddy
01:01:41I
01:01:41tried
01:01:42to buy
01:01:43a wigwam
01:01:43you tried
01:01:44to buy
01:01:44a wigwam
01:01:45Gary
01:01:45yes
01:01:45I tried
01:01:46to buy
01:01:47a wigwam
01:01:47at an
01:01:47auction
01:01:48but I
01:01:48was out
01:01:49big
01:01:49by a
01:01:50Native
01:01:50American
01:01:50man
01:01:51higher
01:01:52offer
01:01:52I
01:01:53didn't
01:01:53catch
01:01:53his
01:01:53name
01:02:02I'm
01:02:03dying
01:02:03on me
01:02:04arse
01:02:04dad
01:02:05nonsense
01:02:06Gary
01:02:06nonsense
01:02:07why can't
01:02:08I be
01:02:08as funny
01:02:08as you
01:02:09used to
01:02:09be
01:02:09when you've
01:02:09been
01:02:09framed
01:02:11I used
01:02:12to love you
01:02:12on that
01:02:12show
01:02:13daddy
01:02:13why'd you
01:02:13give it
01:02:14up
01:02:14da da da
01:02:15da da da
01:02:17da da da
01:02:17da da da
01:02:18da da
01:02:18it's a
01:02:19little boy
01:02:19with a
01:02:20tray of
01:02:20hot drinks
01:02:23he
01:02:24hasn't
01:02:25seen
01:02:25the patio
01:02:25doors
01:02:28he's
01:02:29spilt
01:02:29scalding hot
01:02:30liquid
01:02:30all over
01:02:31himself
01:02:32he's
01:02:32in hospital
01:02:33with
01:02:33third degree
01:02:33burn
01:02:34and see you
01:02:34after the
01:02:34break
01:02:35silence
01:02:35Gary
01:02:37there's
01:02:37more to
01:02:37it than
01:02:38that
01:02:38you said
01:02:39it was
01:02:3915 years
01:02:39of free
01:02:40money
01:02:40daddy
01:02:40silence
01:02:47have another
01:02:47go Gary
01:02:48yes last
01:02:48one
01:02:49last one
01:02:49daddy
01:02:49off you
01:02:50go Gary
01:02:51yes
01:02:52I went
01:02:53to
01:02:53Butlin's
01:02:54did you
01:02:54Gary
01:02:54yes
01:02:55I went
01:02:56to
01:02:56Butlin's
01:02:56with the
01:02:57top
01:02:57Hollywood
01:02:57film
01:02:58star
01:02:58you may
01:02:59have seen
01:03:00him
01:03:00in the
01:03:00new
01:03:00film
01:03:00Marty
01:03:01supreme
01:03:01and
01:03:02and the
01:03:03Bob Dylan
01:03:03biopic
01:03:04where
01:03:05we stayed
01:03:06in Butlin's
01:03:06where he
01:03:07was most
01:03:07perturbed
01:03:08because the
01:03:09lady
01:03:09that cleaned
01:03:10the
01:03:11one story
01:03:13accommodation
01:03:14that we
01:03:15were
01:03:18staying in
01:03:19kept stealing
01:03:20his tea
01:03:21tree
01:03:21scented
01:03:22shampoo
01:03:32Timote
01:03:33shall
01:03:33they
01:03:33make
01:03:33this
01:03:34the
01:03:34one
01:03:36daddy
01:03:41now they're
01:03:41clapping
01:03:42ironically
01:03:42daddy
01:03:44they hate
01:03:44me
01:03:45why can't
01:03:45they be
01:03:45as funny
01:03:46as you
01:03:46are
01:03:46on
01:03:46Junior
01:03:47Bake Off
01:03:47I love
01:03:48you on
01:03:48that show
01:03:49you've
01:03:49discovered
01:03:49a whole
01:03:50generation
01:03:50of new
01:03:51fans
01:03:51daddy
01:03:51look
01:03:52there it
01:03:53is
01:03:53a show
01:03:54that's
01:03:54supposed
01:03:54to be
01:03:54about
01:03:55children
01:03:55baking
01:03:56but somehow
01:03:56you managed
01:03:57to make
01:03:57it all
01:03:58about you
01:03:59Gary
01:04:00really
01:04:00daddy
01:04:01daddy
01:04:01I just
01:04:02realised
01:04:03I'm a
01:04:03different
01:04:03species
01:04:04to
01:04:04Stouffer
01:04:06yes
01:04:06Gary
01:04:07where's
01:04:08this
01:04:08going
01:04:08well
01:04:11I was
01:04:12wondering
01:04:12because
01:04:13we're a
01:04:14different
01:04:14species
01:04:15whether I
01:04:15could
01:04:15play
01:04:15swing
01:04:16ball
01:04:18really
01:04:19Gary
01:04:19I think
01:04:19he might
01:04:20have
01:04:20gone
01:04:20no
01:04:21I think
01:04:21you're
01:04:21still
01:04:21there
01:04:22Stouffer
01:04:23you're
01:04:23still
01:04:24there
01:04:24mate
01:04:38you sit
01:04:39you sit
01:04:40down there
01:04:41Gary
01:04:41now
01:04:41now Gary
01:04:49let's
01:04:50just get
01:04:50on with
01:04:50it
01:04:54pick up
01:04:55the bat
01:04:55Gary
01:04:55pick up
01:04:56the bat
01:04:56let's get
01:04:56on with
01:04:56the
01:04:57interspecies
01:04:58swing
01:04:58ball
01:04:59pick it
01:04:59up
01:04:59pick it
01:04:59up
01:05:00pick up
01:05:02pick up
01:05:03pick up
01:05:04the bat
01:05:08I seem
01:05:09to have
01:05:09gone all
01:05:09weak
01:05:09down
01:05:10one
01:05:10side
01:05:12I think
01:05:12I may
01:05:13have
01:05:13had
01:05:13some
01:05:13sort
01:05:13of
01:05:14stroke
01:05:14well look
01:05:14get
01:05:15the
01:05:15other
01:05:16bat
01:05:16remember
01:05:16we had
01:05:17that
01:05:17special
01:05:17bat
01:05:17made
01:05:18just
01:05:18for
01:05:18you
01:05:18oh
01:05:19yes
01:05:19yes
01:05:19that's
01:05:19right
01:05:20yes
01:05:20why
01:05:20don't
01:05:20I use
01:05:21the
01:05:21other
01:05:21bat
01:05:27oh
01:05:30let's
01:05:33let's
01:05:33play
01:05:34round
01:05:34two
01:05:34of interspecies
01:05:36swing
01:05:36ball
01:05:36go on
01:05:37Gary
01:05:38go on
01:05:38that's
01:05:39it
01:05:39go on
01:05:40come on
01:05:40go on
01:05:41Gary
01:05:41Stu
01:05:41Gary
01:05:42Stu
01:05:47he's not
01:05:48well
01:05:48enough
01:05:49to
01:05:49continue
01:05:50which
01:05:51means
01:05:51Gary
01:05:51is
01:05:52the
01:05:52winner
01:05:52of
01:05:53interspecies
01:05:54swing
01:05:54ball
01:06:01and to
01:06:02present
01:06:03the
01:06:03award
01:06:03please
01:06:04welcome
01:06:04her
01:06:05majesty
01:06:05the
01:06:06queen
01:06:06Camilla
01:06:07Parker
01:06:07Bowles
01:06:08come on
01:06:08out
01:06:10it's
01:06:11the
01:06:11queen
01:06:13please
01:06:14please
01:06:15have a
01:06:15bit of
01:06:17have a
01:06:17bit of
01:06:18respect
01:06:18for our
01:06:19queen
01:06:20thank you
01:06:22that's a
01:06:22lovely
01:06:22trophy
01:06:23and
01:06:24just
01:06:25look at
01:06:25me
01:06:25just a
01:06:26second
01:06:26it's not
01:06:27Camilla Parker
01:06:28balls
01:06:30wagbo
01:06:30it's wagbo
01:06:32it's wagbo
01:06:34wagbo
01:06:36wagbo
01:06:37wagbo
01:06:38it's wagbo
01:06:39he'll kiss you
01:06:43wagbo
01:06:44he'll make you
01:06:45pregnant
01:06:48wagbo
01:06:49wagbo
01:06:51wagbo
01:07:01by the way
01:07:01this isn't a
01:07:02dream
01:07:05this is happening
01:07:06to you right
01:07:06now
01:07:08we're nearly
01:07:08there
01:07:09we're nearly
01:07:09there guys
01:07:11not far
01:07:12now
01:07:13so Nan
01:07:13did die
01:07:14and
01:07:16yeah we
01:07:17had her
01:07:17embalmed
01:07:18nice touch
01:07:18we had her
01:07:18embalmed
01:07:19and the
01:07:20undertaker
01:07:20said to me
01:07:21have you got
01:07:21any photographs
01:07:22of your Nan
01:07:22that we can
01:07:23work off
01:07:24from when
01:07:24she was
01:07:24alive
01:07:25and
01:07:26unfortunately
01:07:27the only
01:07:27photograph
01:07:27I could
01:07:28find
01:07:28of her
01:07:29alive
01:07:29was of her
01:07:30on the
01:07:31lock
01:07:31flume
01:07:31of Alton
01:07:31Towers
01:07:36I'll never
01:07:36forget
01:07:36they lifted
01:07:37the coffin
01:07:37lid
01:07:38there she
01:07:38was
01:07:41so I
01:07:42wanted Nan
01:07:43spelt out
01:07:43in flowers
01:07:44they'd run
01:07:44out of Nan
01:07:45because of the
01:07:45cold snap
01:07:46but I was
01:07:46clever
01:07:47I bought a
01:07:47Dean
01:07:47right
01:07:48Dean
01:07:48spelt out
01:07:49in flowers
01:07:49I bought a
01:07:50Damien
01:07:51spelt out
01:07:51in flowers
01:07:52I got the
01:07:53N off the
01:07:53Damien
01:07:54I got the
01:07:54A-N
01:07:55off the
01:07:55Dean
01:07:55I had it
01:07:56Nan
01:07:56spelt out
01:07:57in flowers
01:07:58down one
01:07:58side of the
01:07:59coffin
01:07:59and I had
01:08:00enough letters
01:08:00left over
01:08:01for down
01:08:01the other
01:08:02side
01:08:02I am
01:08:03dead
01:08:04on and
01:08:05down
01:08:06and bow
01:08:09butterfly
01:08:10in blue
01:08:11jeans
01:08:13hamster
01:08:14in a
01:08:14ship
01:08:15on top
01:08:15it's
01:08:15Dave
01:08:17puppy
01:08:17in a
01:08:18poncho
01:08:20rappy
01:08:20duckling
01:08:21with a
01:08:22ball
01:08:23butterfly
01:08:24in blue
01:08:25chains
01:08:25these
01:08:27are the
01:08:28things
01:08:29are
01:08:29bad
01:08:30dreams
01:08:32these
01:08:34are
01:08:35the
01:08:35things
01:08:36goodnight
01:08:37everyone
01:08:37thanks for
01:08:38coming
01:08:38see you
01:08:38next time
01:08:39on
01:08:40the
01:08:40breeze
01:08:49Dave
01:08:50everyone
01:09:00my baby's
01:09:02always
01:09:02dancing
01:09:03and it
01:09:03wouldn't be
01:09:04a bad
01:09:05thing
01:09:05I ain't
01:09:06had no
01:09:06loving
01:09:07and that's
01:09:08no lie
01:09:09I spent
01:09:10the night
01:09:10in Frisco
01:09:11in every
01:09:12type of
01:09:13disco
01:09:13from that
01:09:14night
01:09:15I waved
01:09:15my love
01:09:16goodbye
01:09:17don't blame it
01:09:18on the sunshine
01:09:19don't blame it
01:09:20on the moonlight
01:09:22don't blame it
01:09:22on the good times
01:09:24bring me on the badges
01:09:26don't blame it on the sunshine
01:09:28don't blame it on the moonlight
01:09:30don't blame it on the good times
01:09:32bring me on the badges
01:09:34I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control my drinking
01:09:39I just can't, I just can't, I just can't control my drinking
01:09:43Sunshine, moonlight, good times, bad news
01:09:52People of Walthamstow
01:09:56Get your cameras out, it's sausage time
01:10:04I'm dancing, romancing, ooh, I'm giving it all tonight
01:10:11I'm in the mood, I'm dancing, I feel like dancing
01:10:16Ooh, so come on and hold me tight
01:10:19I'm dancing, I'm moving, so let the music play
01:10:27Ooh, I'm dancing, I'm moving, so let the music play
01:10:38I'm in the mood, I'm dancing, romancing
01:10:44You know I shouldn't have stopped tonight
01:10:47I'm in the mood, I'm dancing, I feel like dancing
01:10:52Ooh, I'll get to my toes
01:10:55Take me again, and heaven who knows
01:11:00Just where I am, yeah
01:11:03So dance, dance, dance, come on and dance
01:11:20Ooh, I'm in the mood, I'm dancing, romancing
01:11:27Ooh, I'm moving, I'm giving it all tonight
01:11:30I'm in the mood, I'm dancing, I feel like dancing
01:11:36Ooh, so come on and hold me tight
01:11:39I'm dancing, dance, dance, dance, dance
01:11:42Just feel me, babe, that's all you gotta do
01:11:47I can't stop dancing, dance, dance, dance, so move
01:11:52I can't stop dancing, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance
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