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00:00Good night, gracious me!
00:30Come on, baby, it's time for bed, huh?
00:33No, I don't want to, Daddy, go away!
00:36Hi, what is this?
00:38Come on, you don't want to be tired for school in the morning now, huh?
00:42I hate school and I hate you!
00:45But is this any way to talk to your elders?
00:49Ma, I'm her primary role model.
00:51I am the one who sets her boundaries.
00:53Oh, you want boundaries?
00:56Boundary this.
00:57If you don't go to bed, I'm going to take off my shoe and put it in your face.
01:00Ma, she might be going through her anal stage.
01:03What? What did I do?
01:04She's in anal stage.
01:05I'm in chapel stage.
01:07For God's sake, Ma.
01:09You can't bully a child into action.
01:11You have to talk to her, enlighten her, give her choices.
01:14Choices?
01:15Okay.
01:16Choose bed or shoe in space!
01:18I don't believe this, Ma.
01:20What are you doing?
01:22But the shoe is the most noble and ancient form of punishment.
01:27It has been handed down through the family over the generations.
01:30Oh, don't you care about your culture anymore.
01:34Ma, times have changed.
01:36She has to understand why she has to go to bed.
01:39That's how it works.
01:41Okay?
01:41I understand why.
01:43I get it.
01:45I'm sorry, beta.
01:47Aja mere, bachi, aja.
01:49Aja, jojo.
01:50No, no.
01:51Now, listen, bachi.
01:52If you don't go to soja, soja sleep, get good night's rest.
01:56You know what's going to happen?
01:58No.
01:58I'm going to take off this shoe and put it right in your face, right across it like
02:02that, very hard.
02:04Ma, that shoe has never solved anything.
02:07Okay, I'll use the other one.
02:08It's harder.
02:09Ma, don't you understand, huh?
02:11What did that shoe ever teach me, huh?
02:13Nothing.
02:13I obey you because I respect you, not for casual violence.
02:17Is this any way to talk to your elders?
02:22Sorry, mummy.
02:23Good about you.
02:23You.
02:24No.
02:24No.
02:25No.
02:25No.
02:25No.
02:25No.
02:26No.
02:26No.
02:27No.
02:27I'm here in this tree to blow the lid off the public health scandal that is the halal
02:36meat trade.
02:37These people with their foreign habits may seem innocent enough, but beneath the facade
02:42lurks something far more sinister.
02:47And there it is.
02:49Let's go.
02:53Mr. Ishak.
02:54Mr. Ishak.
02:56Yes?
02:57I'm Bob Nonk.
02:58Would you mind telling us what you're doing?
03:00I'm loading up my van.
03:02Yeah, but what with?
03:04Meat.
03:06And where did this meat come from?
03:08I don't know.
03:09I just picked it up.
03:10Right.
03:11So what you're saying is that it could have come from anywhere.
03:13It could be badger or it could be rat.
03:16How do you justify feeding rat meat to an unsuspecting public?
03:20I think it's a bit big for rat.
03:21I think it's a bit big for rat.
03:23Right.
03:24Okay.
03:25Bigger than a rat.
03:26Could it possibly then be a horse?
03:27Do you people eat horse?
03:29No, actually it's sheep.
03:32Right.
03:33Okay, so you're trading in dead sheep meat.
03:35Feeding this filth, this vermin to innocent people who have no...
03:40It's only mutton.
03:41What?
03:43Sheep meat is mutton or lamb.
03:50Is it?
03:51Yes.
03:53Still, yuck, eh?
03:58Meow, pussycats.
03:59Yeah.
04:00It's me, Smita Smitten, Showbiz.
04:02You know the rest.
04:04And welcome to another brand new pilot show.
04:07An exciting look at the sad, banal lives of everyday common folk.
04:13Like you.
04:14Yes, it's the telly, soapy, docudrama, The Airbot.
04:18And here I am with Brian.
04:21So, what is it that you do, Brian?
04:26No, really.
04:28When I meant what is it you do, I really didn't...
04:31Hey, you are 12 questions away from £1 million.
04:38And you've still got, ask the audience, to phone a friend, innit?
04:40Well, what are you chatting about, man?
04:42Who wants to be a millionaire, that wicked programme?
04:45Oh, I've never seen it.
04:47Well, bow down and kiss my chuddies, man.
04:51Everybody's seen it.
04:52Is it wicked?
04:53It's massive.
04:54It's got that chrissy-wissy pattern.
04:56That geezer for man-on-man?
04:58Yeah, but it's on every day.
05:01What, like countdown?
05:04Yeah, but they ask you loads of questions.
05:06What, like school?
05:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
05:09But then you win a million pounds, innit?
05:11Whoa, ka-ching!
05:14That's totally wicked, innit?
05:15Innit.
05:16How do we get on it, innit?
05:18On it, on it.
05:19Shut up!
05:21Anyway, it's easy.
05:23Right, you just phone up, they put you on hold
05:24until an operative is available to take your call.
05:27Whoa.
05:27Oh, and how long do you have to wait, man?
05:30One and a half week so far.
05:33So, so, we've got to get on it and win that money, innit?
05:36Yeah.
05:37And if I won a million pounds, I'll big it up, man.
05:40Yeah?
05:40I'll get myself a fat car
05:42and a crisp designer suit from somewhere flashed like, um...
05:47Um...
05:48Reebok.
05:49Whoa!
05:51And I'll buy my dad Chuck
05:54and make him deliver the papers, man!
05:56So, what would you do with the million pound?
06:02Pay my phone bill, innit?
06:03Oh, yeah.
06:05But if you had a million pound, right, you could live off that interest.
06:07Whoa!
06:08What interest?
06:10The interest you get from the rasmalai when they find out you've got a million pounds.
06:13That's my life!
06:17They love money.
06:18But I don't remember being there being too happy when he offered a retainer to...
06:21Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
06:23Keep on checking, man.
06:25That was different.
06:26I was young and foolish.
06:27I realised that you can't buy women like items from a shop.
06:31You've got to buy the items from a shop for the women
06:34You know what they say
06:37Money doesn't make you happy, man
06:39Sure, man
06:40What people say that?
06:43You don't get that Asian coming out with those kind of buggerisms
06:46Well, it must be difficult to win it, innit?
06:49You know, if your smart geezer like me, man
06:50Yeah
06:51Anyway, it's multiple choice
06:52And you get to ask everyone in the room what they think
06:55And if you don't know, then they take away half the answers
06:58Wait, man
06:59So it's like GCSEs
07:01Yeah, yeah
07:03But the best bit is, right
07:04If you're still not sure, you can find a friend
07:07Whoa
07:07You can phone me, man
07:09If I'm not in, leave a message and I'll get back
07:12I'm not going to phone you, man
07:15I'll phone somebody who goes to school, innit?
07:18Wicked
07:18We're through, we're through
07:22Hey, yeah, we want to be millionaires, man
07:23We want to be millionaires
07:2416
07:26What?
07:28It says you've got to be 18
07:29What?
07:30We have to wait for four years
07:32Yeah
07:32Isn't it like we are waiting now
07:34Four years for
07:35She said two years
07:36How?
07:38We'll hold
07:38In it
07:40Woody
07:45Have you got this in a size six?
07:49The shaper, is it?
07:50One minute, my baby
07:51I don't know
08:00I don't know
08:00I don't know
08:01Oh, me, auntie
08:05Shh
08:05I'll take them
08:07Once upon a time
08:10There were three little Asian girls
08:11Who all graduated from police academy
08:14Subroj
08:17Jiljit
08:19Jiljit
08:19And Khadija
08:21They were all given very hazardous assignments
08:25I'm the clever one
08:27And really threw themselves into their work
08:36And I'm the pretty one
08:42They proved to be every bit as good as the men
08:48I'm the one who does kung fu
08:54Especially
08:58Him
08:59But all that rough stuff was culturally inappropriate
09:03So I took them away from all that
09:06And now they work for me
09:08My name
09:09Is Chana
09:11Angels
09:18I may be wrong
09:20But I think something's going on
09:22I think so
09:23Do you think we should go out there?
09:26But wait
09:27We've got all our freezer stuff in the boot
09:30I can go to hell with it
09:32Come on, angels, let's go
09:33Is my hair bleeding?
09:49No, it's fine
09:50Let's kill them horribly, angels
09:52I'm sorry you just missed Chana
10:19But I got him here on the intercom
10:22Hi, angels
10:24Hi, Chana
10:26So, angels
10:27I hope you've all learned something today
10:29And what's that, Chana?
10:31Why, that a woman's place is in the home, of course
10:34Who the hell are you, anyway?
10:44I just pressed the intercom
10:48But
10:49Getting married soon?
11:14About time
11:16But what kind of wedding will it be?
11:18Do you want a proper old-fashioned traditional wedding?
11:22The kind you remember attending as a child?
11:25Then come to us
11:26The Pucker Wedding Company
11:28The Pucker Wedding Company
11:29We'll find you a traditional venue
11:32A crumbling church hall in the middle of a council estate
11:35Don't worry about food
11:37It's all bulk produced by the same family firm
11:40We'll also provide the DJ
11:42And the priest
11:45Your guests will dine in style
11:48With this traditional Punjabi table
11:51And yes
11:53Just look at this authentically styled centrepiece
11:57Worried about who to invite?
12:01Leave it to us
12:02We'll provide over 200 people you've never met before
12:06And just to make sure
12:08Your old-fashioned wedding is preserved forever
12:10We'll throw in the video man
12:13Complete with those special top-of-the-pops effects
12:17We will love to see
12:18So plan your wedding the traditional way
12:23You'll be glad you said
12:26I do
12:27I do
12:27So call us now
12:30The Pucker Wedding Company
12:32The Pucker Wedding Company
12:33So do you believe in premarital sex?
12:39Yeah
12:40I don't have a problem with that
12:42Great
12:43See I'm getting married next week
12:45So could we shag now?
12:46Check please
12:52In the last episode
12:56The Earth had strayed inexplicably
12:58From its normal orbit
12:59And it tumbled ever closer to the sun
13:02And scientists predicted meltdown
13:04How are those readings looking now?
13:10Since the surface temperature has reached 60 degrees
13:12And c-c-c-climbing
13:14Well how long have we got?
13:17Nothing can save us now
13:19But surely even you can't do anything
13:35What's he doing?
13:48I-I don't believe it
13:50He's using the mirrors on his traditional North Indian waist jacket
13:53To reflect the rays back to the sun
13:56But help me sustain the heat
13:58I guess years of playing Punjabi weddings and tight trousers
14:02Has made him immune
14:03Watch out today
14:07Puddy
14:10W-w-w-w-worked
14:14The-the-the temperature's returning to normal
14:16Oh
14:17And the Earth is returning to its normal orbit
14:20We're alive
14:23And it's all for thanks to B-B-Bangwa Man
14:27How can the world ever repay you?
14:29Manu
14:42The Earth is coming
14:50Oh, my God.
15:20So, what's your idea for perfect date?
15:24Oh, imagine walking hand in hand down a deserted tropical beach.
15:29The sun is setting in the horizon.
15:32And as we sit on the warm sand, we let the waves lap over our bare feet.
15:37Wow, I can almost feel it.
15:39Eh? Well, you're not there, innit?
15:47Check these.
15:48OK, next up, it's Britain's first suitable boy band.
15:53Please give it up for the High Street Boys.
15:56You are Punjabi.
16:05You got a degree.
16:10We met through parents.
16:15Let's make arrangements.
16:18You don't have boyfriends.
16:23I drive a Mercedes-Benz.
16:28You don't dress Western.
16:32We're a match made in Heston.
16:36Tell me why we've got no time for dating.
16:41Tell me why our relatives are waiting.
16:45Tell me why we're rushing the engagement.
16:50Let's make arrangements.
16:54I'm not.
16:55He's not.
16:57Ecstatic.
16:58I am.
16:59I am.
17:00He is.
17:01Pragmatic.
17:03I've seen the joy repayment.
17:08So let's make arrangements.
17:12Tell me why our love is always gonna last.
17:16Tell me why our folks are from the same cast.
17:21Tell me why my auntie says it makes sense.
17:26Let's make arrangements.
17:30They say in the West that true love is best.
17:34And arrangement just brings discontent.
17:38But if love is so great, tell me why does the rate of divorce stand in 50%?
17:46I may, he may, not move you.
17:52But my mom, his mom, approved you.
17:56So let's stop looking.
18:01The fun that needs cooking.
18:05Tell me why we've got no time for dating.
18:10Tell me why our relatives are waiting.
18:13Tell me why we're rushing the engagement.
18:19Let's make arrangements.
18:23Let's make arrangements.
18:28Let's make arrangements.
18:32Let's make arrangements.
18:34Let's make arrangements.
18:56Let's make arrangements.
19:00I'm telling you, boys, that tuppy kid has got a lot to answer for,
19:25stealing more women, sleeping in his fat pyjamas and his nice indoors.
19:30Well, I'm stuck out here in a sorting grade.
19:33Not ever your own shank, but it really ruins your love life.
19:36What love life, man? You ain't never had no girlfriend, never.
19:39Oh, boyfriend.
19:40Well, I nearly had one this morning.
19:42I just had a big spliff in the forest.
19:44I was on my way to the off-law since before my AA meeting,
19:47and I suddenly smelled something fishy.
19:52And I was right. It was a girl.
19:55Oh, mama.
19:56She was kind of weird,
19:59doing all this tales of the unexpected Aussie rules Kama Sutra shite.
20:03I wasn't sure whether she was facing away from me or towards me.
20:07Either way, she had an arsenal like a Patel's extension of Indian local versions.
20:10I mean, big.
20:12Get on, mate.
20:13Yeah, all right, all right.
20:15Well, I'm thinking about how to get a paste, right?
20:17So I followed a trail, but who should get there first?
20:19Dubby!
20:19Be careful, ladies, we're slippery!
20:21Hey, that line never works for me.
20:23Are you both here skipping?
20:26It's Kipinda!
20:28Great.
20:29You get to look at that ass,
20:30and I get an eyeful of your wobbly buttocks.
20:33Hey, kid.
20:34I mean, what's your secret?
20:36How come you're such a big hit with the girls?
20:38You're little, you're fat,
20:39you've got a huge ass.
20:42Oh, twatty.
20:43Oh, it's a doobie ring to put around your dingle-dangle.
20:45Oh, perfect fit.
20:49So that's how he does it.
20:50Long, it's a pleasure.
20:51Wait a minute.
20:54I've got to let the ladies know.
20:56Yes, yes!
20:57I'll be bleeding irresistible.
20:59I'll be up to my fur years in totty.
21:01What's the best way of reaching the most women?
21:04Hang on.
21:06I've just had a great idea.
21:08Is that sunrise matrimonial show?
21:10Yeah, I'm a Hindu Punjabi kangaroo,
21:12three foot, no, six foot two,
21:14Johnny Depp lookalike,
21:15degree in pharmacy with a huge dingle-dangle
21:17on account of my doobie ring.
21:19Hello, hello.
21:20Now, I want all you ladies to wait till you turn.
21:22I'll come round and service all of you.
21:25You know you shouldn't touch the radio, Skip.
21:28Yeah, I know.
21:29Yes, my doobie ring.
21:31And that's tight on me.
21:33Now, what I really need to do
21:34is test it out on a dirty blot.
21:36Hey, wait a minute.
21:38I'll smell a herring
21:39and I'll know just how to catch it.
21:40Ouvre la porte, mademoiselle Blondie.
21:45Je and doobie ring
21:45don't my groan dingle-dangle for toi.
21:49Hello, Skip.
21:50Lisa Goddard.
21:51Trust me to pick a porn again, Christian.
21:53How do you get there?
21:54Yeah, well, it's a koo-koo-koo-koo-koo.
21:56Check it, Blondie.
21:57Pretty impressive for a roo, hey?
21:59You do collect some funny things, Skip.
22:01Well, you can talk about Alvin Stardust.
22:03She dissed you good, man.
22:06Here is that doobie kid's fault.
22:09I'm going to get that kid back.
22:10Oh, ow.
22:11Oh, tight.
22:13Hey, kid, come out here.
22:14I want to show you something.
22:16Now, you come out here.
22:18Come on, Skip.
22:19Blimey, he said that without moving his lips.
22:22All right, Skip.
22:24Now, what is it you want to show me?
22:25It's raining.
22:27Ha, ha, ha.
22:28I got you.
22:28I got you, kid.
22:30Ha, ha, ha, ha.
22:31Hi, Mary.
22:31Actually, we've suffered a lot of intimidation recently.
22:38Oh, aye.
22:40Intimidation.
22:41We've been, uh, shouted at in the street and bricks through our front room window.
22:46Bricks?
22:48And then the other day I opened the front door and there was human excrement on the doorstep.
22:58Actually, uh, that one made it.
23:05I forgot my keys.
23:06I just want to say those three little words.
23:16You're too fat.
23:23Check, please.
23:24It's Indian Dennis, you drooping brewer.
23:37What are you doing here?
23:39Well, we British love to come down to our local for a pint.
23:43Oh, of course we do.
23:45Oh, Vanessa, hi.
23:46Not yet, but I'm working on it.
23:51I hope you've left us something to drink.
23:55Old peculiar cobblers, Dennis.
23:56Yes, these bloody trousers, old Kevin.
24:01Dennis, I think he means, would you like something to drink?
24:05I knew that.
24:08Three, uh, pints of cobblers, please.
24:10And a yard of ale for you, Vanessa.
24:12Um, I think I'll try a yard of vodka now.
24:17Dennis, why don't you, uh, grab a table?
24:19Oh, grabbing.
24:20Grabbing, grabbing, grabbing.
24:22Grabbing.
24:23Grabbing.
24:23Well, I must say I'm very surprised to see people like you in the pub.
24:29What do you mean by people like us?
24:31Well, it is a peculiarly British habit, is it not?
24:35Yes, and we are peculiarly British.
24:37Ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:38We're as peculiar as they come.
24:42Pork scratchings, Dennis.
24:44I told you.
24:46Yes, well, I, uh, I often like to pop into the pub for a quick aperitif.
24:55Oh, well, you do have that aperitif dependency problem.
25:01Hi.
25:02Well, uh, they don't do a yard of vodka, so I thought six inches would be enough.
25:07Yes, that's always been your problem.
25:09I thought I'd order us some food.
25:22Oh, lovely.
25:23And what could be more English than a pub lunch?
25:26Yeah, absolutely.
25:27Roast beef.
25:28Oh, super.
25:28Yorkshire pudding.
25:30Oh, yummy.
25:31Horseradish on your meat and two veg, A.D.S.
25:33No, for the last time, may I pray for animal problems.
25:36What do you do?
25:39Oh, what a lovely view of the village.
25:42Ah, yes.
25:43Well, this is the England that I love.
25:45A hearty Sunday lunch in a local pub, Warm beer, Cricket on the green, Young maids cycling
25:53off to church, Cream teas, Young boys scrumping for apples, Making jam for the village feed,
26:02The smell of newly mown hay, Strawberries with cream, Cider with Rosie in a lark rise to
26:09Kind of food.
26:11Darling, I think that Chappie wants a word.
26:15Ah, yes, what can I do for you?
26:17Start human?
26:19Who are you calling stout, Gunga Din?
26:24There appears to be some misunderstanding.
26:27My name is Sinjin.
26:29This is my good friend, Dennis Cooper.
26:32How do you know?
26:33No, mate, I don't think you understand.
26:37We don't like your sort round, do you?
26:40I'm not sure I'm quite with you all, Frudy.
26:44Why don't you all go back from where you come from?
26:48Well said, Epsi Bar.
26:49Um, I think I know what the problem is.
26:52What?
26:53What?
26:54Well, um, they obviously don't like strangers here.
26:57Yes.
26:59And we're...
27:00We're what?
27:01Yes, we're from Chigwell.
27:04Oh, yes!
27:06Try not to.
27:06Light them crosses, Epsi Bar.
27:09Oh, God, I think we're in a bit of a pickle.
27:12Are we going to die?
27:13Oh, yes.
27:14Ah!
27:15We'd better start praying.
27:17Yes, uh, our father, which aren't in the heavens, do something young.
27:23Oh, God.
27:26Thank you, God!
27:28Yes, God!
27:31Thank you, God, you, God.
28:01Come on, boy.
28:04Hey, fetch!
28:06Huh?
28:07What is it, Lussie?
28:09Huh?
28:10Someone is trapped down the well?
28:16Get the key!
28:17Get the key!
28:17Get the key!
28:19Lussie says...
28:20Lussie says that there's someone trapped down the well.
28:22Salty!
28:35Lussie!
28:37Lussie!
28:38Lussie!
28:39Lussie!
28:39Lussie!
28:44Good as gracious me!
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