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00:00The End
00:32Then at 12.45, the limousine will draw up outside, I will go out, meet the Duchess, say a few
00:39words, put her at ease and escort her inside.
00:45Once inside, I will introduce her to various members of the Leisure Centre staff. Yes, very good, very nice, Linda,
00:52well done, very smart.
00:58Which brings me to another general point, personal freshness.
01:04Perhaps we got up in a bit of a hurry this morning and weren't quite as scrupulous as we might
01:07have been.
01:09The thing to remember here, of course, is think of others.
01:15Tell her I left a can of right guard in the equipment locker, Richard.
01:20Then at 12.48, Tim, you're wearing stockings.
01:24Tights, Mr. Brittis.
01:26Well, it's cold out here. We've only got these little shorts and T-shirts on.
01:29Tim, this building has a heating system that cost a taxpayer nearly half a million pounds.
01:33It's those doors, Mr. Brittis.
01:34Yes, Mr. Brittis.
01:36All right, all right, so we get a bit of a draft from the doors.
01:39Shall I get someone to have a look at them?
01:40I don't think there's any need for that, Laura.
01:43You see, they close eventually.
01:49And we'll just have to be patient till they close again.
01:52All right, we're at 12.48 when I bring her over to reception where Carol...
02:00Where Carol gives her a few words of welcome.
02:03Welcome to our leisure centre, you're real high.
02:08We hope, we hope you will enjoy your visit.
02:11Do we get a smile, Carol?
02:15Splendid.
02:17Everything all right at home, is it?
02:19Yes, especially.
02:20Then we move on to, where's William?
02:23He's off sick, Mr. Brittis.
02:25Gavin's standing in for him.
02:26Yes, well, unfortunately, Gavin's not black, is he, Laura?
02:29I'm sorry?
02:30It's all right, Gavin, I realise it's not your fault.
02:33You see, in my speech, I explain that our job here is to draw the community together,
02:37which is why we have a staff representative of all colours and creeds.
02:40And I can't really say that, there's only one colour in sight, can I?
02:43You could say something else.
02:45Does anyone know a black person who can help us out?
02:49Come on, someone must.
02:50It's only to stand in line for a few minutes.
02:51The Baptist Church is a gospel choir.
02:53We don't want to flood the place, Linda.
02:57Gavin, what about that chap I saw you with the other evening?
03:01I'm sorry?
03:02The chap in the pub on Tuesday.
03:05Oh, I...
03:05You said you were to your mothers on Tuesday.
03:08I think you must have made a mistake.
03:11No, no, tall, good-looking black chap.
03:13Mr. Brittis, I have a friend you might want to help.
03:15He's actually going on a budget.
03:16That's not what I must say.
03:18Sorry, Timmy, really, I am.
03:23Er, Laura, could you call an electrician?
03:25There's something not quite right about those doors.
03:30That looks nice, Mrs. Brittis.
03:41You're not staying, then?
03:42I can't, unfortunately.
03:43My youngest has suspected concussion.
03:46In fact, if you could tell my husband, I'll be at the hospital.
03:48Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.
03:50Oh, it's probably nothing.
03:52One just likes to be on the safe side.
03:54How's it all going downstairs?
03:56Oh, fine.
03:57Good.
03:58Well, there are one or two little problems,
03:59but Mr. Brittis is dealing with them.
04:02Why don't you leave?
04:05I'm sorry?
04:06While you can.
04:07How do you mean?
04:08You're a nice girl, Laura.
04:10You've got your whole life ahead of you.
04:13Mrs. Brittis, I don't...
04:15You think something's going to happen?
04:17Frankly, yes.
04:17But he's planned the day so carefully.
04:20That's what usually does the damage.
04:22Your little boy hasn't got concussion at all, has he?
04:25No.
04:26Look, Laura,
04:27when my husband starts dealing with little problems,
04:29they won't go away.
04:30You just get bigger problems.
04:33Problems, problems.
04:34Hello, darling.
04:36Do you mind, Laura?
04:38No wonder it's so cold in here.
04:41The boiler's not working.
04:42Actually, the boiler is working,
04:44but the boiler man hasn't a clue
04:45how to programme the automatic hopper.
04:47But, of course,
04:47I haven't got time to read the entire manual.
04:50Heating, heating, heating.
04:52You've got a new boiler man?
04:54We've had to replace quite a few staff in the last week.
04:56What's wrong with the new man?
04:58Oh, nothing, really.
04:59He's an ex-naval stoker,
05:01but he's got some shrapnel on his head in Korea.
05:04Good morning.
05:05It's Gordon Brittis here,
05:06the manager of the leisure centre.
05:07I'd like to hire some industrial heaters, please.
05:11Today, this morning.
05:13I'll take them all.
05:15Oh, in that case, I'd better collect them, then.
05:16How big are they?
05:19So, that's seven cars,
05:21two members of staff to a car.
05:22That's 14 people.
05:24Oh, dear.
05:24Why don't you give the man a shovel?
05:26Sorry?
05:26Why don't you forget about the automatic hopper
05:28and give the man a shovel?
05:30I'll get back to you.
05:32Laura, you've met the better half, haven't you?
05:34Not just a pretty face, you know.
05:36There's a little brain working quietly away in there somewhere.
05:39A shovel.
05:39So simple.
05:40I'll tell the boiler man, shall I?
05:41No, I'll do that.
05:42He's an ex-naval stoker, wounded in Korea.
05:45So Laura told me.
05:46Well, pleasant though this is.
05:48I can't stand around gossiping all day.
05:50My goodness me, what's that?
05:51Oh, it's a bit of felt tip or something.
05:53Laura, you'd better get some carbon tetrachloride.
05:55You'll probably have to send out for some.
05:56And we might need a mask in this confined space.
05:59Who can I spare?
06:00It's all under control, dear.
06:03A wonderful woman.
06:05I told you, didn't I, Laura?
06:06Well, let's see if I can't fire up the boiler man
06:09with a few words of encouragement.
06:13That's another thing.
06:14If you can just stop him encouraging people.
06:17Has he given his talk to the staff yet?
06:19Yes.
06:20Did anyone walk out?
06:21Three.
06:22Oh, it was 14 at Oldershot.
06:25I shouldn't have said anything.
06:26I'm sure everything will be fine this time.
06:28I'm sure it'll be fine.
06:52I'm sure it'll be fine.
06:53Hello?
06:55Yes, I know it's cold,
06:57but I think if I'm given two minutes,
06:58I may be able to do something about it.
07:07Ah.
07:08Hello.
07:09Mr Barnes?
07:10Hello.
07:10Mr Barnes?
07:13Good news, Mr Barnes.
07:14No more worries about all these buttons and levers.
07:17I brought you this.
07:18You see, we have a boiler here, Mr Barnes,
07:21and several tons of atrocytes here.
07:24Need I say more?
07:27Right.
07:28I want you to shovel it by hand, Mr Barnes,
07:32using this.
07:36It's Chief Stoker, Barnes, isn't it?
07:42I've come down from the bridge, Chiefie,
07:44with a message from the Admiral,
07:46and the situation is this.
07:47We are chasing a couple of enemy cruisers, Barnes.
07:51It's vital we catch up with them and attack,
07:53but we desperately need more steam,
07:55and you are the only man who can help us.
07:58Can you do it, Barnes?
07:59Aye, aye, sir.
08:06Don't forget, Barnes,
08:08the whole ship's company is relying on you.
08:11Sir.
08:31Mr Brittas?
08:32Angie.
08:33Mr Brittas.
08:34Laura's rung Michael,
08:35and he'll be here in half an hour.
08:37Michael?
08:38Her friend, the West Indian.
08:39Oh, right.
08:40Well, no, it's a quote from the builders.
08:41They'd like to see you in a swimming pool.
08:42Ah, finished at last, haven't they?
08:45Oh, by the way,
08:46I think I've sorted out our Mr Barnes.
08:49It's just a question of knowing
08:50how to deal with these people, Angie.
08:52I did a course at Woking.
08:54Oh, my goodness me, look at that.
08:56Wonderful, isn't it?
08:57All over this building,
08:59small groups like that
09:00are preparing to show
09:01what this centre's all about.
09:03Real people coming together
09:05to exercise and enjoy themselves.
09:07I must just give them
09:08a few words of encouragement, Andy.
09:09Oh, Mr Brittas,
09:10I've got a few words of encouragement.
09:16Because I think
09:17that you have something to show
09:18and teach us normal people.
09:21After all,
09:21who's to say what's normal?
09:23In some parts of the world,
09:24it's quite acceptable
09:25to be overweight.
09:27But you people have chosen
09:29to fight back
09:30and say,
09:31no, I am not grotesque.
09:34And I applaud that.
09:36I really do.
09:37And I think it's just another way
09:39that we at this centre
09:40can show that
09:41with cheerfulness
09:42and enthusiasm,
09:43we can overcome
09:45any stigma.
09:46So,
09:47keep up the good work, ladies.
09:49And dare I say it,
09:50on with the dance.
09:58Salt of the earth,
09:59those people, Angie.
10:00Right,
10:01the swimming pool.
10:08Look,
10:08lads,
10:09I'm sorry.
10:09We have to tell him.
10:11Well,
10:12it looks all right to me.
10:13Yeah,
10:13I know how you feel.
10:14Been working around the clock
10:15to try and finish it,
10:16but if the lining's cracked,
10:18Ronald's not going to like it.
10:19Couldn't we let him find out
10:20for himself tomorrow?
10:21Listen,
10:22that thing's losing
10:23400 gallons an hour.
10:24By tomorrow,
10:25his brand new leisure centre
10:26is going to be floating off
10:27down the ice street.
10:28You might not like the man,
10:30but if we don't tell him,
10:31well,
10:32does anyone deserve that?
10:35Ah,
10:35workers of the world.
10:37Would that we all had time
10:38for tea breaks,
10:39eh?
10:39Mr. Brittas.
10:40So,
10:41it's all finished then
10:42and not a moment too soon,
10:43eh,
10:43Laura?
10:44Tell Colin
10:45you can bring the children
10:45in now,
10:46will you?
10:46Lads have worked all night
10:47to try and finish it,
10:48Mr. Brittas.
10:49Good,
10:50good.
10:51Now,
10:51a word in your ear,
10:52if I may,
10:53Patrick.
10:54I couldn't help noticing
10:56some of your lads
10:56haven't had recourse
10:57to a bar of soap
10:58or razor this morning.
10:59Well,
10:59like I said,
11:00Mr. Brittas,
11:01they've been working all night.
11:02Now,
11:02I hope you don't take offence
11:04if I mention cleanliness,
11:05but you see,
11:06my problem is
11:07the Duchess of Kent.
11:08Eh?
11:09As a personage
11:10of some importance,
11:11I can't help thinking
11:12she deserves something
11:13a little better
11:14than being greeted
11:15by people
11:15who haven't bothered
11:16to shave.
11:18Oh, well,
11:19I suppose I can fit you
11:20in the background somewhere.
11:23Oh, my God,
11:24what's that?
11:24Colin,
11:25wait here.
11:26They're not ours,
11:27Mr. Brittas.
11:28They get in
11:29through the fire doors.
11:31This is a leisure centre
11:33for the community,
11:33Colin.
11:34We can't have people
11:34strolling in off the streets.
11:37All right,
11:38you and you out.
11:39Laura,
11:40see these children outside
11:41and secure the fire doors,
11:42please.
11:43Mr. Brittas.
11:43You'll find the chains
11:44and padlocks
11:45in my office.
11:45Why do you hear,
11:46Mr. Brittas?
11:46Quickly, Colin.
11:47Why can't I meet her?
11:49I've told you,
11:49your place is up there
11:51behind the glass panel.
11:52But she's my favourite royal.
11:53I've always admired her.
11:54If I could just
11:55shake her hand.
11:57No.
11:57Why not?
11:58I think you know
11:59why not, Colin.
12:01It's nearly healed.
12:02It is not nearly healed.
12:03It's visibly suppurating.
12:05No, no,
12:05it's just the banana paw.
12:07There's no puss
12:08or anything.
12:10I don't care
12:10what it is, Colin.
12:11You are not shaking hands
12:12with the Duchess.
12:13Is that quite clear?
12:14Yes, Mr. Brittas.
12:14I think the way
12:15you can help best
12:16would be to make sure
12:16those children got changed.
12:18Yes, Mr. Brittas.
12:19The pool's all right,
12:20then, is it?
12:21Yes.
12:22The builders were
12:22a bit worried.
12:23Well, they said
12:24nothing to me.
12:25Patrick?
12:26Gone.
12:27You know,
12:28that's the third group
12:29of people to leave
12:29this morning.
12:30I'm beginning to wonder
12:31if the Duchess of Kent
12:32was such a wise choice
12:33after all.
12:40I just feel
12:41rather let down,
12:42that's all.
12:43Oh, I know.
12:44I mean, why would he say
12:45he was round at his mother's
12:46when all the time
12:46he's off with someone?
12:47Anyone seen Brittas?
12:49What?
12:49It's getting very hot
12:51in the viewing gallery.
12:52The toffee crisps
12:53have melted in the vending machine
12:54and clogged up the coin slot.
12:56You all right, Tim?
12:58He's still a bit upset.
12:59Oh, yes, of course.
13:00I've been telling him
13:01he's got no reason to worry.
13:02Haven't I?
13:03Oh, come on, Tim.
13:04Well, he's probably
13:05on his way to his mother's,
13:06met someone
13:06and popped in the pub
13:07for a quick drink.
13:08That's all.
13:09But why didn't he tell me?
13:10Well, he didn't give him
13:11much chance,
13:11did you,
13:12storming off like that?
13:13Do you think
13:13that's all it was?
13:14Yeah, I'm sure of it.
13:16Don't you think so, Linda?
13:16Yes, of course it was.
13:18I'm always doing that,
13:19jumping to conclusions.
13:20Thanks.
13:20I feel much better now.
13:23I was only trying
13:23to make her feel better.
13:25Well, no one told me
13:26the dog had died.
13:30We're all troops.
13:30We sure we've got time
13:31to be sitting around like this?
13:32Mr. Brittis,
13:33I'm just...
13:33In a minute, Linda.
13:34Tim, can I have a word?
13:35Yep.
13:40That was a bit out of character
13:41this morning, wasn't it?
13:43Sorry?
13:44It may be just my imagination,
13:45but I thought you were
13:45a bit tetchy in the line-up.
13:47Oh, that?
13:47No, that's all sorted out now.
13:49Meant to be doing something
13:50with you, was it, young Gavin?
13:53Yes, so was I.
13:54And he went to the pub instead.
13:57Tim, life's too short
13:58to get worried
13:58about things like that.
14:00If I had a pound
14:01for every time someone
14:01promised to meet me
14:02and never turned up,
14:03I'd be Paul Getty Jr.
14:05Timothy, it's human nature.
14:07Really?
14:08I was unmarried
14:08once myself, you know.
14:10Used to go to the pub
14:11with me mates,
14:11have a few drinks,
14:12have a game of darts,
14:13a few more drinks,
14:14go off for a takeaway.
14:15Next thing you know,
14:16it's three o'clock
14:17in the morning,
14:17you wake up on the floor
14:18of some total stranger's flat.
14:20What does it matter,
14:21eh, Tim boy?
14:25I mean,
14:26it's not as if
14:26you're married to the man,
14:27is it?
14:31Young Linda,
14:32what can we do for you?
14:34What about the vending machine?
14:37Hmm?
14:37Hmm?
14:38Hmm?
14:39Hmm?
14:40Hmm?
14:42Hmm?
14:42Hmm?
14:43Hmm?
14:43Hmm?
14:44Hmm?
14:44Hmm?
14:44Hmm?
14:44Hmm?
14:49Electrion,
14:49they've come about the doors.
14:50Yes, good.
14:51They don't seem to be
14:52closing properly
14:53and we're losing
14:53an awful lot of heat.
14:54Hmm?
15:01That should be
15:01the timing mechanism.
15:03I just go and get my tools.
15:04OK.
15:04I'm sorry, Linda,
15:05they can't have it both ways.
15:06One minute it's too cold,
15:07the next minute it's too hot.
15:08Just tell them
15:09to make up their minds,
15:09will you?
15:10Yes, Mr British.
15:13Oh, Carol,
15:14what exactly is going on here?
15:16Nothing, Mr British.
15:18I swear.
15:19Let's have it up on the desk,
15:21shall we, Carol?
15:21I don't know what you mean,
15:22Mr British.
15:23On the desk.
15:26Mr British,
15:27I know you told me
15:28to leave it with my mother,
15:29but...
15:29Carol?
15:29If you don't do remarking,
15:31the babies will go
15:31to private life.
15:33Carol,
15:34I think I'm known
15:34to be a fair man,
15:35but we cannot be
15:36feeding our babies
15:37when the Duchess of Kent
15:38comes through those doors.
15:43Do you know who that is?
15:45I think Laura
15:45was talking to him.
15:46I knew it.
15:47We cannot have a Duchess
15:48meeting people
15:48dressed like that.
15:50I'm sorry,
15:51but really, no.
15:52What?
15:53It's very good of you to come,
15:54but I'm afraid
15:54we don't need you after all.
15:56But the lady said...
15:57I know exactly
15:57what the lady said.
15:58I'm afraid the fact is...
16:00How much do we owe you?
16:01Well, call-out fees
16:0225 pounds.
16:0325 pounds?
16:04All right, 25 pounds.
16:06There we go.
16:09I'll give you a receipt, shall I?
16:10I don't want a receipt,
16:11just goodbye
16:12and thank you very much indeed.
16:14Come on, Carol.
16:15How'd you go?
16:15Your turn.
16:16Mr British,
16:17I'm begging you.
16:18You might lose my job.
16:19Carol, you're not losing your job.
16:21I'm simply asking you
16:22to take the baby away.
16:23Yes, Mr British.
16:24And Carol,
16:25try and remember
16:26what we said yesterday
16:27about inner serenity.
16:28Yes, Mr British.
16:28Breathe deep,
16:29think calm.
16:30Give us a good...
16:36No good putting the doors, Carol.
16:38Think.
16:39What are we going to do
16:39to open them?
16:41The infrared beam, Carol.
16:42The lardy guy.
16:45Good.
16:46Now you're thinking.
16:48Right, the next thing to do...
16:50Dad, don't come near me.
16:51I'll tell you.
16:54Are you sure there's nothing wrong
16:56with the pool, Mr British?
16:57What?
16:57The pool we keep pouring
16:59all this water...
16:59All right, Colin.
17:00One thing at a time.
17:01Let's just stay calm.
17:03Colin, I wonder if you wouldn't
17:04like taking Carol home.
17:06Right, Mr British.
17:07You'll have to be a little bit careful.
17:08It's probably just hormones,
17:09which is getting somewhat hysterical.
17:11Right, Mr British.
17:13Oh, by the way,
17:13Laura asked me to give you...
17:15Let's concentrate on one thing
17:16at a time, shall we, Colin?
17:17Just get her home, all right?
17:18Right, Mr British.
17:26Hello, British.
17:27Oh, swimming pool.
17:28What's the problem?
17:35Well, he says to keep filling it.
17:38Just wish I knew
17:38where all that water was going.
17:45Oh, my God.
18:04I got it.
18:27What's going on, Laura?
18:28It's the Saga badminton team, Mr. British.
18:32A couple of them have gone down with a heat stroke.
18:34Heat stroke?
18:35It's even hotter downstairs.
18:37Well, let's open a window, shall we?
18:40I thought you said they were sealed for the air conditioning.
18:42What?
18:44Yes, so they are.
18:46I'd better have another word with that boiler man.
18:48Why don't you turn the TV on, Laura?
18:50Find him a cartoon or something.
18:53You like cartoons?
18:55Jolly good.
19:00Hello, Mr. Barnes.
19:01I wondered if...
19:04Yes, Mr. Barnes, this is the captain here, Mr. Barnes.
19:08Yes, speaking from the bridge, Mr. Barnes.
19:11Is anything the matter?
19:12He thinks we're sinking.
19:15Yes, Mr. Barnes, it's getting a little bit too hot up here, Mr. Barnes.
19:19I wanted to...
19:21Are you all right, Captain, sir?
19:29What do you think you're doing?
19:30That's for the Duchess and the Mayor.
19:31Well, I'm hungry.
19:34They've been here since five o'clock this morning, Mr. British.
19:37It was the only time the ambulance could deliver them.
19:38Well, you're going to have to wait.
19:39You get tea and buns from the gym when the visit's over.
19:46I'll give you one of the fire, you name, Captain.
20:14Sorry about that, Barnes.
20:16Barnes, Barnes, Barnes.
20:19I don't believe it.
20:20Shall I go down and have a word?
20:21Better if I do, I think, Laura.
20:23This calls for a certain amount of tact.
20:24It's...
20:37Hello?
20:40Hello?
20:41Hello?
20:43Hello?
21:23Oh, my God.
21:24Linda! There's been an accident. Quick.
21:30What are you doing?
21:31He's unconscious, Mr. Brittis.
21:33An electric shock.
21:34All right, stand back, stand back, stand back.
21:40He's unconscious. You've got to get Laura.
21:42All right, Mr. Brittis.
21:44He needs air. You'd better open the doors, Linda.
21:46Laura Lansing's reception, please.
21:48Should I call an electrician?
21:49We've already called one this morning. What happened to him?
21:52Gavin, can you see if there's an electrician in the building, please?
21:54All right, Mr. Brittis.
21:55You'd better open the fire doors, Linda.
21:57They're locked, Mr. Brittis.
21:58What happened? I came as quickly as I could.
21:59Well, there's been an accident.
22:01Oh!
22:02Michael!
22:04Oh, my God, Michael. What on earth he'd done to you?
22:08Michael.
22:09Michael!
22:10Laura, can I have your attention for a moment, please?
22:12We need to open the fire doors.
22:13What?
22:14The fire doors.
22:15You told me to lock them.
22:16I know. Now I'd like to unlock them. Can I have the keys, please?
22:18You've got them!
22:20No, I haven't.
22:20I gave them to Colin to give to you.
22:22Colin has the keys?
22:23Yes.
22:24Well, where's Colin?
22:29Well, Mr. Brittis.
22:31Colin, do you have the keys to the fire doors?
22:33I'm sorry, Mr. Brittis.
22:35The keys to the fire doors.
22:38Right here, Mr. Brittis.
22:39Well, give them to...
22:42Bring them round.
22:44Stay exactly where you are.
22:46Laura, I want you to go up to my office now.
22:49Linda, I want you to go up to my office now and get the architect's plans.
22:52Plans?
22:53Just do it.
22:53There must be some way in and out of here that isn't completely sealed up.
22:56Right, Mr. Brittis.
22:57I've got your electrician, Mr. Brittis.
22:59He says he can fix it.
23:02This is a boy scout.
23:03You're not an electrician.
23:04I've got my badge.
23:06All right, all right.
23:06Can you fix that?
23:10Well, somebody's poked the wires out.
23:12We know that.
23:13Can you put the bloody things back?
23:15OK.
23:17I'll just screw them back in.
23:18Wonderful.
23:20Try the boiler room again, Gavin.
23:21Tell him to switch the heat off.
23:23Right, Mr. Brittis.
23:53You're not a kid.
23:54No, you're not a kid.
23:57I didn't do it.
23:57You're not a kid but you'd like to go down.
24:00You're not a kid.
24:06still no reply from the boiler room never mind Gavin there must be a way out of here what about
24:11this ventilation shaft why don't we call the fire brigade what well they could break the door down
24:17with a sledgehammer or something oh that's very helpful that is Laura the Duchess of Kent is due
24:23here in two minutes and you suggest we greet with a couple of hundred weight of broken glass all over
24:27the floor we've got to do something we can't just sit here we've just got to keep our heads and
24:32wait
24:33till young Kevin he'll never do it we're going to die we're all going to die how long do you
24:38think
24:38it's gonna take there you are you see he's just got one more wire then the doors will be open
24:45we'll all
24:45be able to breathe the fresh air the cool fresh air what it's calling what does he want I think
24:53he wants to tell you the Duchess of Kent has arrived he's here everyone quick get into line get it
25:23don't you shake hands Colin don't shake hands oh my god
25:35you better open the doors now Mr Brittas if I could open the bloody doors don't you think I'd have
25:39done
25:40it by now good afternoon your majesty welcome to Whitbury Newtown leisure centre I'm afraid we're
25:49having a little bit of trouble with the doors at the moment but we should be able to have them
25:52open
25:52in about 10 seconds 10 seconds then I shall take great pleasure in introducing you to various
25:59members oh my god what is it he's fainted
26:16I've got it I've got it quick interline interline interline interline everyone
26:24Colin bring her majesty through the boiler room
26:30so
26:50I
26:56would
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