- 7 months ago
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00:23Right, number two again.
00:27Yeah.
00:28Number one.
00:32Right, number three again.
00:36You said this one wouldn't work, Miss Briss.
00:39Right, back row number one, front row number two.
00:45That's the one.
00:46You know what that pose says to me?
00:48We've been standing here for one hour and 45 minutes.
00:50No.
00:51It says we're a team, but we're also individuals.
00:54We're cheerful, but we're also serious about our commitment to you, the customer, who's entrusted to us your safety and
01:02physical well-being during the time you're here at Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre.
01:07Right, I think we're ready to go.
01:10Oh, now you will make sure you get the sports field in over there.
01:15We just had it specially mowed.
01:16I've set it for a full 180 degrees, Mr. Britters.
01:18Right.
01:20Smile pleasantly, Carol.
01:21I'll go through it again.
01:22The camera will start to my left.
01:24That's your right.
01:25It will then pan across, taking approximately 20 seconds to reach the other side.
01:29So please, keep as still as possible.
01:32Oh!
01:33Zoe, keep still!
01:34Oh, the baby's kicking!
01:36I'm keeping still for two of you!
01:38Colin.
01:39They've cut the grass, Linda.
01:41It's playing havoc with my rhinitis.
01:43Where do you?
01:44Either that or I haven't quite recovered from the Bronch Hill guitar last week.
01:47We're rolling.
01:55Sorry.
01:57Mobile means urgent.
02:01Britters.
02:02Hello, my darling.
02:04We're sitting for the photo right now.
02:07Yes, I'll get plenty of copies.
02:09Well, one to go above reception, of course.
02:12One for each of the kids' scrapbooks.
02:14And I thought one to go above the mantelpiece instead of that picture by that Norwegian.
02:19Well, I can't understand why it is your favourite, Helen.
02:22It's just a picture of a lady holding her head and screaming.
02:25Ready?
02:26Right, better go now, my love.
02:28Yes, I'd love to know what you've got planned for today, but call you back in five minutes.
02:32Promise.
02:33Bye.
02:35Sorry about that.
02:38We're rolling.
02:51It is a Qatar.
02:53Oh, God.
02:54You should have been wearing green like the rest of us.
02:56I believe that I'm wrong.
02:58Please, boys.
02:59You've said I'm wrong.
03:00Your deputy managers get an extra clothing allowance, you know.
03:02Yes, all right.
03:02There's no need to ram it down my throat.
03:04Look, there's no pain-heaping deputy manager now.
03:05I have to shoulder a lot of extra responsibility.
03:07The buck stops here.
03:09Boys!
03:10I'm going to have to go and change this shirt.
03:11Hurry up, Gabby.
03:14And where do you think you're going, Penny?
03:17I'm going to turn a woman over on a sunbed.
03:19Miss British, we ought to go and check everything's all right with the pirate party.
03:23Curly whorlies.
03:25What?
03:25I've forgotten to put the curly whorlies in the picnic bags.
03:28Toilet.
03:29Check band, Miss British.
03:30Just get back as quickly as I can, please.
03:36haven't you got somewhere to go timothy mr british if i get the franchise for the canteen
03:41this will be my farewell photo i don't want to miss that in fact i'm quite happy to wait
03:46here all day that won't be necessary tim
04:04the back stops there oh
04:10pool i think she's saying pool we weren't even allowed to get out towels we hadn't even finished
04:16warming up yes and we've had one round of soggy sandwiches three balloons the treasure island's
04:20got a puncture and now i've got 27 kids dripping wet and going berserk in the corridor well i'm sorry
04:25but until the census properly start oh hang on i tell a lie 24 because when he turned up three
04:33jumped
04:34out of the pool and locked themselves in the minibus mind you to be fair two did ask for his
04:39autograph because they thought they'd seen him in nightmare on elm street your mummy no no no sorry
04:46you want your money back so do i yeah i can't possibly authorize a refund don't you're supposed to be
04:52the deputy manager are you i'm not really deputy more sort of trainee oh oh trial uh see mr british
05:00he'll sort everything out yes
05:02right
05:05mars bar mini bounties slammer whammer curly worm
05:10mars bar bounties
05:11think what it'll do to their teeth colin you'll have the parents up in arms
05:14it's all kids eat linda batten jellies they've hardly touched them
05:20colin this tastes rather odd dessert topping linda
05:25it's carpet foam no no it can't possibly be carpet form because i i always put the carpet form in
05:33the top
05:33shelf of my locker after i finished cleaning for the evening
05:39i thought those carpets smelled funny
05:43are we now ready yes we're rolling
05:53sorry sorry sorry what now i can't just keep up this smiling you know look we've lost the sun
06:01it's gone behind a cloud mr british we tend to get them in this country
06:08does it really matter that much mr british gavin once he presses that button we are captured for
06:14prosperity when in years from now people are trawling through the archives and they wipe the dust off
06:20whitbury newtown leisure center team 1996 what is it to be a merely acceptable image taken in a
06:28dullish light or the ten of us bathed in glorious sunshine with the center glinting in the background
06:34i think we all know the answer it's clouding over mr british
06:40look let's just adjourn to the center and i'll keep the check on the weather reports
06:46uh i'm booked to go to tenerife a week on tuesday
06:57right attention please all areas previously off limits are now once more accessible
07:06except that is for the gym and the swimming pool right so swimmers may paddle in the foot wash
07:15aerobics may take place by the salad bar and the pirate party can take place in squash court three
07:25wet feet wet feet wet feet carol flip-flops all round please yes that's two pound fifty and five
07:31pound deposit per person why don't we just close the center for the morning why is what forgot nowhere
07:36near watford why do we get fluff in our belly buttons you know you've got that man from english
07:42heritage waiting upstairs yeah and they're still waiting to demolish the old air raid shelter yeah
07:46mr british i wonder do you think it might be an idea to postpone the photograph until tomorrow morning
07:51gavin have you been to safeways recently um there is a giant display of pineapple chunk canes
07:58there take one cam from the middle of the pile and what happens you get beaten up by the store
08:02detectives
08:04the whole display collapses timothy i see see this diary if we postpone the photograph till tomorrow
08:12what happens is we have to move the air conditioning service to the afternoon
08:15which means you have to postpone the argos whitbury branch squash semi-final draw to the following day
08:20which has serious knock-on implications for the locker security review the southern county's
08:24letters association logo shortlist discussion and dawn dippers enrollment session two but the
08:30afternoon's completely free what about then whoa no it's not timothy it's a free afternoon session
08:40we have to keep one afternoon free a month to get our breath back
08:51oh welcome to it be newtown letter sent to harley may i help you yes well you can start by
08:56looking
08:56after that and this it's got my spare films in that'll be two pounds what storage fee don't worry
09:04you'll get it back what the two pounds no the bag oh mr mending no please no ben loves parties
09:13i remember last year mrs parkinson he had such a good time he got hold of the flymo he was
09:19just a
09:20little high spirited i used to do punch and judy shows you know
09:28hey wait what you can't do it yet look this demolition was booked for 10 30 we've been wired
09:34up ready for the last hour i can't leave it like this i gotta make it safe yeah well mr
09:39british wants
09:40his photo with all the staff but i saw you all go back in yeah but we'll all be coming
09:44out again as
09:45soon as the sun comes out mr british wants the light to be just right it's only a photo not
09:49lawrence of
09:50arabia it's not going to be a right big bang is it i don't want to give birth no it's
09:55muffled it's
09:56just four concrete walls i'll implode as long as there is nothing inside there won't be any debris
10:02either i don't know how many seven-year-olds you could fit in there sorry about that mr humphreys
10:16you now have my undivided attention sir yes well if you're sure
10:23yes julie i've got you the met office thank you julie with you in a micro set
10:31hello gordon british whitbury newtown leisure center oh you've heard of us have you
10:37yes well you see we've reached a bit of a cloudy spell at the moment so i was wondering if
10:42you
10:42could confirm when we can next expect a gap of sunshine of at least 10 clear minutes
10:47i'd have thought it was pretty easy actually at the moment we have bands of cumulostratus
10:53usually indicative of a fast-moving weather front all you've got to do is cross-reference our map
10:58position 51 35 north to west with your latest satellite map and then measure the wind speed and bob's your
11:06uncle all right bye bye right where were we mr humphreys now you've made an application to our office
11:17for your center to be registered it's all right mr humphreys it's going to be a regular wednesday
11:24morning fire alarm test you are very jumpy aren't you what i recommend to you is our health spa de
11:31-stress
11:32program tailor-made for people like yourself who suffer from premature aging look i am fine it's
11:40just sudden noises i just spent three months on the isle of iona supervising the underpinning of the
11:45monastery i still haven't got reacclimatized do excuse me hello my darling it's gonna have to be
11:55quick i'm afraid really i'm very proud helen very very proud indeed now you be careful you've not
12:03done this sort of exercise before i've got a message from the met office for you all right thanks julie
12:08now my darling what i suggest you do is some warm-up exercises because you're going to put a lot
12:12of pressure
12:13on your femur what i suggest is 10 groin squeezes what is it julie right well they said the next
12:20sunny interval will be at 11 35 and last 12 and a half minutes there will then be a short
12:25shower which
12:25should just clear the full tiara at the east end of the car park excellent julie i think they were
12:31being facetious mr british gotta go now my darling uh yes i'm behind you 110 of the way all right
12:39bye
12:43mr humphries how many men can boast of a wife who at the age of 40 decides to take up
12:47jumping
12:56are you feeling better mrs britass armatized shanks pardon no look guys there is armatized shanks aren't
13:05there you know i tell a lie i saw an ideal standard just after breakfast
13:14Oh, don't cry, Ben
13:15I'm sure there might be a party bag at the end of the day
13:18Can we have some more balloons up there, please?
13:21Yes, of course, Mr Mendip
13:22I'm very sorry I tried to get Ben invited to your party
13:25It was very pushy on me
13:26Especially when you'd got all the numbers worked out
13:33They've just got to learn, haven't they?
13:35A good dose of sitting all alone
13:37Listening to all the happy, laughing voices
13:40I think a child lucky enough to get a head start in paranoia and insecurities
13:44Yeah, all right, all right
13:46Let him come
13:47Oh, Ben, you shall go to the party
13:50That thing's all right, Mr Mendip
13:52Oh, Ben, stop that
13:53Put that sword away, not now
13:54Now, if you could just do this
13:56Push the button here
13:58Now, Ben's right side is his best
14:00And he usually prefers the last present and pass the parcel
14:02If that's all right, Mr Mendip
14:04Now
14:05Hold on
14:12He's busy
14:14Mr Humphrey
14:16I am not stressed
14:24Now, you've made application to us at English Heritage
14:27For your leisure centre
14:29To be registered as a grade one listed building
14:32Mr Brittus
14:33This status is usually conferred on buildings of a distinguished architectural and historical nature
14:39Precisely, which is why we have a duty to ensure that in a hundred years from now
14:44Whitbury Newtown Leisure Centre is still standing, proud and erect
14:48A monument to the great golden age of publicly available sports and leisure facilities with ample parking
14:57Oh, my God
15:021,000, 2,000, 3,000
15:06Can be
15:07Tumbles
15:09Are you sure you want to go through with this?
15:11Oh, yes
15:12My therapist said
15:13The only way you can really re-energise your life
15:16Is to confront your own mortality
15:18You think of your own worst nightmare
15:20Your worst phobia
15:22Submit yourself to it
15:24Conquer it
15:25And you should come out of it purged
15:27To bore yourself negative feelings
15:29I don't have any phobias
15:32Confined spaces
15:33Open spaces
15:35Drownings
15:36Electrocutions
15:37Being buried alive
15:37Never really bothered me
15:39I mean, when you're married to Gordon
15:40You get quite used to them all
15:42Then I thought
15:43Heights
15:48Five minutes
15:53Ever since our honeymoon
15:55Two weeks for the price of one at the Holiday Inn Croydon
15:58Gordon said he wanted to go there
15:59So he could see the diving board at the Crystal Palace Sports Centre
16:02Apparently it's the highest in the country
16:05There we were
16:07Right at the top
16:08Gordon saying he'd just got to admire the cantilever tip-up seating system
16:12And their digital lane timers
16:13And suddenly he slipped
16:15I think it was his hush of puppets
16:16And I just froze
16:19I can see it now
16:22Standing at the top
16:24Peering over
16:25Gordon hurtling through space
16:28Those synchronised swimmers
16:31Small as
16:32Dobbsburg
16:33Down the corridor
16:36Second on the right
16:40We'll aim for the field next to the racecourse
16:43That Mrs. Britt-ass
16:44Isn't she the wife of
16:46Yeah
16:47Wasn't he the one who
16:48Yeah
16:48By the way, Dave was
16:50I know
16:51It was VE Day celebrations, damn it
16:54I know
16:56Have you seen the state of the swimming pool?
16:58I mean, there's food in it
16:59Wrappers, bits of doughnut
17:00One child hasn't even bothered to use the toilet
17:01Oh, Don, you're making me all nostalgic for Blackpool Beach
17:06Gavin!
17:07There's been another accident in the pool
17:09Well, several actually
17:10And I think it's something the kids have eaten
17:12Why do you think that?
17:13I spent all last Saturday making these sandwiches
17:17What a waste
17:18I see what you mean
17:19Still, never mind
17:21Scrape off the marge
17:22Take out the ham
17:23Clean film it all again till next time
17:25Well, it'll have to be cleaned up
17:27We've got those natural childbirth semifinals coming in later on
17:30Tim, could you...
17:31When I'm in charge of the canteen
17:32I will never have to do this sort of thing again
17:33Yeah, so as a final gesture
17:35If you could just run over the surface with Neth and Skimmer
17:37Or I'll then, well, do the liaising with Mr. Brittus
17:40You know, keep him updated with progress reports and stuff
17:42Gavin!
17:43Yes, Mr. Brittus
17:44At this precise moment, our Mr. Humphreys of English Heritage
17:48Is touring our centre with a view to recommending
17:50That it be preserved as one of the nation's jewels
17:54Alongside Stonehenge, Westminster Abbey
17:56And Brockenhurst Volleyball Centre
17:59Wouldn't it be a pity if his impressions were coloured
18:01By the rubbish bags outside the emergency exit
18:04Yes, Mr. Brittus
18:05Yes
18:05Yes
18:07Don't even think about it
18:14Oh, no, it's my best Paul Smith
18:16All right, Gavin
18:17Oh, Linda, Linda
18:18Couldn't give us a hand, could you?
18:20Mr. Brittus wants these hidden away from the English Heritage Inspector
18:23I thought we'd just put them in there for now
18:24All right
18:25OK
18:25Great
18:27Oi
18:28I thought I was lending a hand
18:29Yes, I just thought I'd tell Mr. Brittus
18:33Yes
18:34That you're lending a hand
18:35Otherwise he might wonder where you are
18:37That sort of thing
18:38Staff liaison
18:42Oh, what a mess
18:44Well, that's kids
18:47Vasectomies
18:47They're so easy
18:50Well, we'll have to drain the pool
18:52No need to drain the pool
18:54Where did he get that?
18:56Well, it can't be Whitbury Scuba Club
18:58I haven't been back since we covered the pool for the night
19:00And they were still in there
19:01It's amazing what you can pick up in a car boot sale nowadays
19:03And I've just found this spare tank of air
19:06Now, we'll use the skimmer for the liquid stuff on the surface
19:09And any stubborn bits or stuff that's stuck in the filter
19:12I'll pick up my hand into my underwater scooper
19:16Should be done in a jiffy
19:17If you could just give me a hand
19:28That should be about 20 minutes
19:31Why for you to get a hold of you?
19:32Ah, diapers have a special language, Tim
19:35Now, this means OK
19:41I have a problem
19:45I'm drowning
19:46I'm not here
19:47What about the sun's out
19:49And if we don't get the photo done in the next five minutes
19:51The photographer will have a nervous breakdown
19:55Colin, one problem
19:56I won't be underwater with you
19:58You're right, Tim
19:59I hadn't thought about that
20:00Hey, Tim, I can't miss that photograph
20:02I've promised three copies to my auntie Heggy in Tasmania
20:05Then there's my step-niece
20:06Here, tie this on here
20:09And then, if we need to get a hold of you
20:11I'll just give you a yank
20:12Let me make it three yanks
20:14Just to be sure
20:151,000
20:162,000
20:173,000
20:194,000
20:205,000
20:21You open
20:213,000, Mrs. Brittas
20:249,000
20:25Mrs. Brittas
20:27You send the ground
20:28What?
20:29Oh, my God
20:30I froze
20:31What if that happens when I jump?
20:33You're on a static line, Mrs. Brittas
20:36If that fails, you've got a back-up chute
20:38What if I lose it?
20:40It's attached to your shoulder
20:42But what if I get a pack-backed flock of starlings and they peg it off me?
20:46Mrs. Brittas
20:47There's just so many things that could go wrong
20:49I don't think I can go through with it
20:51But you've come through with flying colours so far
20:54The fitness training, the rehearsal jump
20:57Filling in the supplementary life insurance form
21:00Just a joke, Mrs. Brittas
21:03To put you at your ease
21:04Now, it's all very straightforward
21:06We're going to let you out
21:08Just five miles west of Whitbury
21:10And you should hit
21:11Sorry
21:12Land
21:13Large open field
21:15There
21:15I think I'm making a terrible mistake
21:19What do I do?
21:21What would your husband want you to do?
21:24Gordon
21:25That's right, I'll ask Gordon
21:26Where's the mobile?
21:27Well, oh no
21:30I think I'm getting
21:32It's the turbulence
21:34Now I
21:34Don't look how I went
21:36Don't look how I went
21:37We haven't left the ground yet, Mrs. Matt
21:40Oh, Humphrey
21:44These are the original sliding doors
21:46Mr. Brittas
21:48The deadline for application is today
21:49If you want to make the new register
21:51So I must get on
21:52Well, you don't have much time to stand around here talking, do you?
21:58Look, madame, we've got other jobs to go too
22:00Tell your governor
22:02We either do it now
22:03Or we've got to come back another day
22:05All right
22:05I'll go and see Mr. Brittas
22:10Right
22:11The man downstairs says
22:13Can he go ahead now?
22:14Otherwise he'll have to come back later
22:16I've already told him to get on with it, Julie
22:17As quickly as possible, please
22:19Right
22:19Oh, and could you tell me to make a note
22:21We've got three disabled toilets
22:22And can handle teas up to a hundred people
22:25Now
22:27Could you collect your son, please?
22:29Why?
22:30Has the party over already?
22:31Oh
22:31He had a screaming fit
22:34So I let him have the big present
22:35At the end of Pass the Parcel
22:37He carried on screaming
22:38So I rigged musical chairs for him
22:40I let him have the first prize
22:42In the pirate fancy dress
22:43And the second
22:44And the third
22:45And the consolation prize
22:47Finally he took three girls hostage
22:48In the racket locker
22:49And he said he wouldn't release them
22:50Until he'd been given
22:51All the party bags
22:52Which he's now eating
22:55Party bags?
22:56Yes
22:57All 27 of them
23:00You're letting him eat
23:0127 party bags?
23:03Oh
23:03Have you any idea
23:05What that will do to his teeth?
23:08Oh
23:17Son
23:18You don't look very well
23:20You've gone very green
23:21Shall I rub your tummy
23:21Make it feel better
23:22Son's out
23:23What?
23:24Son's out
23:24I'll get Mr Brutus
23:25Oh right
23:25Darling
23:26Mummy's got to go away for a minute
23:27Oh no
23:27Don't be sick Ben
23:28I'll get a bucket
23:35I'm sorry Mr Brutus
23:37It is a fairly attractive design
23:39But we are only listing buildings
23:42That have specific historical interest
23:44However
23:45Behind your building
23:47I noticed an original
23:49Palkerby Jepsen
23:51Concrete air raid shelter
23:53One of only two remaining in existence
23:55Not only do I recommend it for grade one status
23:57But to alter it in any way
23:59Would be an infringement
24:00Of the Town and Country Planning Act 1970
24:02Helen
24:04Son's out
24:05What?
24:06Got a dash my darling
24:07What?
24:08Not you huh
24:10What happens to that bloomin' gas canister?
24:13Well it was here before
24:15Son's out
24:16Oh
24:24Colin
24:24Colin
24:26Colin
24:28Colin
24:44All areas of neighbourhood reception are off limits again
24:48But customers are welcome of course
24:49To gather in reception
24:50And avail themselves of facilities therein
24:52Thank you
24:53Bye
24:53What facilities?
24:54Well it's vending machines
24:55A few of the car parks
24:57A lovely floor to all go
24:58Mr. Chris, Mr. Chris, come to a bleach
25:00Colin
25:00Excuse me one second please
25:02What's wrong with him?
25:03He's just gone to me
25:04Can I have a change?
25:12He's come up too quick
25:13He's got the bags
25:14And then they get an ambulance
25:15Please Mr. British
25:16I'll be alright
25:17Don't remember
25:19Stay calm Colin
25:20We've got to get you to hospital
25:22Oh Mr. British
25:23You've got to go to a decompression chamber
25:26I'm going to miss the board all
25:27I'm going to miss the board all
25:28Angulants
25:29We're here next Wednesday
25:31What?
25:31I got that switchboard operator
25:33You keep timing with your stopwatch
25:34I have an idea
25:47I think it's rather flattering
25:49Oh Mr. British
25:51Mr. Humphries could take Colin
25:52We could just slide him in
25:54Right, as quickly as possible please
25:58We will of course refund your petrol
26:00Providing you supply me with a receipt
26:02And a note of the mileage
26:03At the start
26:04And at the end of your journey
26:05Alright?
26:08Gordon
26:10My darling
26:11Mr. British
26:11The photographer says we've got to hurry up
26:13There's more cloud coming
26:14To God this is the stupidest thing I've ever done
26:17I mean we're at 8,000 feet now
26:20And I think
26:20What was that my darling
26:21I can hardly hear you
26:24We've got to go now
26:26Or there's a gap in the clouds
26:27It's now or never
26:37Jesus Christ
26:38She didn't wait for the signal
26:41We haven't even cleared Winfrey
26:46What?
26:47Do we have a problem?
26:48It's my bag
26:49My spare films
26:51It's only a bit of vomit
26:53You spend your life nursing
26:55Cherishing your precious equipment
26:57Keeping your time to lock and key
26:58And now this
27:00Well that's your photo
27:02Knocked on the head
27:03Pardon?
27:04No spare films now
27:07Haven't you still got some film?
27:10In the camera
27:12Yes
27:13Well we're ready
27:15We've been here since nine
27:17We've had phones ringing
27:19Hay fever
27:20Morning sickness
27:21You swap more positions
27:23On the Kama Sutra
27:25I'm down to my last exposure
27:28What on earth makes you think
27:29We're going to get it in one now?
27:31Do you know what's missing from your life?
27:35Optimism
27:43Ready?
27:45Ready?
27:52Ready?
28:11I'd be lying if I said I was entirely happy with that one.
28:53I'd be lying if I said I was entirely happy with that one.
29:07I'd be lying if I said I was entirely happy with that one.