- 2 days ago
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00:00Good and gracious, mate!
00:30What are we meeting in the pub, man?
00:44Cos this is it, man.
00:46We're finally 15.
00:48It's the age at which you're legally tall enough to order your first underage drink, innit?
00:54Oh, fierce, man.
00:55Wicked!
00:56So, go on, then.
00:59I'll have a lemonade, man.
01:03Kiss my chuddies, man.
01:06You're supposed to drink alcohol.
01:08Why's that, man?
01:10Because everybody knows, right, that hard-drinking men are totally attractive to the...
01:14...Rasmalade!
01:18You don't see James Bond going in no bar and ordering a sunny delight.
01:22The beanies go mental for big boozers, man.
01:25Wait on, man.
01:26What about that geezer who lives in the park, man?
01:29He drinks like a fish!
01:31And I don't see no beanies hanging around him, man.
01:34And he stinks!
01:35And he's got wee in his childhood and everything!
01:38Hey!
01:39He's still your dad.
01:41But the thing is, right, if you dress Chris, right, and order sophisticated drinks, right,
01:50you'll be totally irresistible to the ladies.
01:53What's the sophisticated, man?
01:56You know, sophisticated drinks are like them that sound foreign, innit?
01:59Like...
02:00Martini...
02:01Campari...
02:02Hooch!
02:03Let's get the hooches in, man!
02:05Whoa!
02:06Time out, man!
02:07First, we've got to look older, innit?
02:08Well, how are we going to do that, man?
02:09By wearing my dad's glasses.
02:10Aye!
02:11Do they make me look older?
02:12I don't know, man.
02:13Everything's gone blurred.
02:14I think your dad has been giving out children, you know?
02:16Yeah!
02:17Yeah!
02:18Yeah!
02:19Yeah!
02:20Yeah!
02:21Yeah!
02:22Yeah!
02:23Yeah!
02:24Yeah!
02:25Yeah!
02:26Yeah!
02:27Yeah!
02:28Yeah!
02:29Yeah!
02:30Yeah!
02:31Yeah!
02:32Yeah!
02:33Yeah!
02:34Yeah!
02:35Yeah!
02:36Hey!
02:37What about the beanies, man?
02:39The pretty ones don't like the men with the glasses, you know?
02:42Well, that don't matter, man!
02:44Because once we're hooched up, we'll have our Alka-pop goggles on!
02:48Whoa!
02:49And they make even the ugliest beanie look sweet like chocolate!
02:52Whoa!
02:53Let's get Alka-pop-ed up!
02:56Yeah, man!
02:57Yeah!
02:58Yeah!
02:59Yeah!
03:00Yeah!
03:01Hey!
03:02Two hoochies!
03:03Shaken, not stirred, innit!
03:04Yeah!
03:05Hey, check it, man!
03:07It's working already!
03:08Hello, coxie lady!
03:09Buy a drink in it!
03:10You're alright, thanks boys!
03:11Yeah!
03:12Yeah!
03:13Yeah!
03:14Yeah!
03:15Yeah!
03:16Yeah!
03:17Yeah!
03:18Yeah!
03:19Yeah!
03:20Yeah!
03:21Yeah!
03:22You're alright, thanks boys!
03:23Boys
03:50Where's my little prince
03:53Say hello to Nani Ma
03:55Don't want to
03:56Come on, baby
03:58I'm your grandmother
03:59You should show me respect, no?
04:01You are supposed to bend down and touch your Nani Ma's feet
04:04It's our tradition
04:05Get
04:06Oh, such a good boy
04:20Wow, that's nice
04:23What's there?
04:24That's my engagement ring from Harry Harisha
04:27Cost him an absolute fortune
04:29He had to sell his car to get it
04:32Great
04:32Wow, that's nice
04:35Yeah, this is my engagement ring from Bunty Patel
04:38Had to sell his own mother for the down payments
04:41Oh, lovely
04:42Wow, that's nice
04:44Oh, yeah, that's my engagement ring from Pinky Ponky
04:48Oh, wow
04:48And that's my engagement ring from Ravi Rao
04:51Oh, but
04:53I've got an engagement ring from Ravi Rao
04:58Goddammit, bullshit to hell, yeah
05:00But one of us is going to have to give it back
05:03Why?
05:14Hello and welcome back to India's top morning programme
05:17And coming up later on Rajinder and Goody
05:20At 10.30, stains of shame
05:22How to cope with those embarrassing Haldi mishaps
05:25And at 11 o'clock, Roger Raja
05:28The story of a Maharaja turned minicab driver
05:30Wow, that should be interesting
05:32And our phone-in today is about sexual pleasures for women
05:36Oh, I look forward to that
05:37Indian lady's stories tell of erotic fulfilment
05:41That's at 11.30
05:42And at 11.31
05:43Our resident psycho quack, Dr. Roger Pursued
05:48I would, wouldn't you?
05:52Really?
05:53No, not really, moving on
05:55Right on to fashion
05:57Now, the Prime Minister's wife grabbed the headlines this week
06:01When Tony and Sherry Blair visited Delhi
06:04And she greeted them wearing traditional English dress
06:07Yeah, let's just remind ourselves of that lovely outfit
06:10So with British fashion in the news
06:16We are very lucky to be joined by one of India's top designers
06:20Kulwinder Kline
06:21Hi, Miss Jinder
06:25Hi, good dear
06:27Hi
06:28I understand you have a new collection out right now
06:31Which uses Britain, of all places, for your inspiration
06:34That's right
06:35You see, er
06:36What the Prime Minister's wife was wearing there
06:40Is ideal evening formal wear
06:43Right
06:43But for my collection, I've gone for a classic street look
06:47Okay, let's have a look
06:48What is the significance of the sign?
06:57I think it's a kind of punk youth rock thing
07:00You know, it's a rebellion
07:01The 60s injecting the weed
07:04Yeah
07:04And why stop children?
07:09Well, you know
07:10Stop children
07:12What's that sound?
07:13Everybody look what's going down
07:15Alright, well, let's have a look at your next piece, shall we?
07:19Yeah
07:19Okay
07:19Oh, right
07:20Wow
07:21Wow
07:22Now, this really is fantastic
07:25Now, this is kind of classic club wear
07:28Right
07:28This is, er
07:29You'd see a lot of people dressed like this
07:33Running into the underground rave gatherings
07:35In the early hours of a foggy Manchester morning
07:38And what about the helmet?
07:42Well, that's what they wear
07:43It's a dancing helmet
07:46Oh
07:46Dancing, dancing helmet
07:48Oh
07:48Yeah
07:49Yeah
07:49Dancing, dancing helmet
07:52Yeah
07:52But, um, Galvindra, I mean, this is all very well for the catwalk, right?
07:56But, you know, is anyone actually on the street going to wear this?
07:59Well, they do in England
08:00Now, for my next outfit
08:04I kind of created a fusion of different British looks
08:08Right
08:09Okay, let's have a look
08:10Duh
08:11Oh
08:11That's really interesting
08:13Yeah
08:13It's the kind of thing that a hep chick would wear
08:16Whilst grooving down to the foggy King's Road
08:20In London's fashionable Walford Town
08:23And the bottom is a ballet outfit?
08:28Well, yes, it is
08:29I mean, I told you, it's a fusion
08:31You know, it's big fish, little fish, gargoyle box
08:33But the highlight of my collection
08:39Uh-huh
08:39Yeah
08:39Yeah, that's, that's quite
08:43Valhalla
08:44I really like that
08:46Right, um, yeah, well, I can see it's another fusion thing, okay?
08:51Yes, the top half is a judge's outfit
08:53And the bottom half is a...
08:56Judge's outfit
08:57Right, everyone on the floor now
09:05Do as you're told and no one will get hurt
09:07You
09:08Press the alarm button and I'll blow your head off, right?
09:11Put the cash and the jewellery in the bag
09:14Peter
09:17Is that really you?
09:22I was desperate
09:25I needed the money
09:26Ah, if you wanted to turn to petty crime
09:28Why didn't you come to me?
09:30I can get you cheaper
09:31I can get you cheaper
09:32I can get you cheaper
09:33No, Uncle
09:33I do it for you
09:34No, Uncle
09:35No
09:35It's my pleasure
09:36No
09:36Uncle
09:37Don't insult me
09:38Give me the gun
09:39Uncle, Uncle
09:40Uncle, Uncle
09:41Don't insult me
09:41Right, any of you picks move
09:47I'm going to execute every last mother f***ing one of you
09:50I'm free
09:55I'm police
09:55Stop it
09:56Drop that weapon
09:57Drop it
09:57Oh
09:58Oh my god, Beena
10:05Brace yourself, girlfriend
10:07Here we go
10:08Oh man, they are going to try on to the max, innit?
10:11As if
10:11Just ignore them, innit?
10:13Here
10:30Puss!
10:34thank you for attending this annual general meeting my name is jk the hamster
10:47it's like carlos the jackal only smaller and with chubby cheeks
10:51now as you know we aim to put the fun back into fundamentalism the kid back into kidnapping
10:59be laughed back into slaughter yeah all right all right i've seen last year's report and i have to
11:07say standards are slipping i'm very disappointed atrocities in the name of god are down 30 percent
11:14but expenses in the name of god are up 85 percent what we need is inspiration ideas a vision
11:24mark bull the squirrel my idea is kidnapped we kidnapped the son of the wealthiest industrialist
11:32in the whole of europe and then we demand the ransom of one million dollars and what if they don't
11:40comply we cut off his hair and post it back to them the ear you're supposed to cut off the ear not the
11:46bloody hair they'll get back one small bald boy and i get extortionate bill from vidal sassoon
11:52sorry yeah sorry who else yeah buddhist militant order
11:58our crack suicide squad will occupy every major government building until our demands are met
12:09which are the release of all political prisoners compulsory meditation and a global ban on flypaper
12:18and if they don't pay up we'll set ourselves on fire
12:23so the police wait 24 hours and then they raid the hideout with the dustpan and brush
12:28all right see this is what i mean people you are not committed enough absenteeism the sikhs take days
12:38off for guru nanak's birthday guru gobind singh's birthday fair enough but guru guru barney my guru
12:46cusper dibble gruff you hindus how many gods do you have krishna laksh may have heard of but bunty apache
13:00which gods are these the muslims have put down eid twice and somebody has put down christmas eid and
13:07taken a day off ramadan yes ramal amading don't know and you jews yom kippur yes yam halibut what are
13:17you taking the piss if standards do not improve and soon you will end up like all the other failed terrorists
13:26as traffic wardens
13:37oh lord won't you buy me another mercedes-benz our neighbors have got seven and a jaguar for
14:02weekends how will we hold our heads up in front of all our friends oh lord won't you buy
14:11me another mercedes-benz
14:16sainzhan actually happy birthday dear papaji happy birthday to you
14:30Come on, Papaji.
14:36So lovely to have you all here.
14:38And thank you for my lovely presents.
14:40Sit here.
14:42Sit. Sit.
14:44Hello?
14:46Oh, hello, Uncle Prem.
14:48How are you? Yes, he's right here waiting for your call.
14:50It's Uncle Prem from India.
14:52From India?
14:54Hello, Prem!
14:56Hello?
14:58Hi, Prem!
15:00A drunk call!
15:02Papaji, please.
15:04Technology means that you don't have to shout.
15:06Technology?
15:08Prem, is this better? Hello?
15:10Who is shouting?
15:12I think we got cut off.
15:14Uncle's punished me, Papaji.
15:16What, beta?
15:18Where have a happy birthday cards I want to read?
15:20No, Papaji, why don't you read them later?
15:22Nonsense, baby.
15:24Papaji, maybe I can read them for you.
15:26I really don't mind.
15:27I have my eyes still.
15:29Nah.
15:30Oh, so many cards.
15:31Ah, the first one is from Nitin in Montreal.
15:36Oh, God!
15:37That's a long way away.
15:38Thinking of you on your special day.
15:41Wishing you the best in prosperity, happiness.
15:44Oh, I can't read this word.
15:46What is it?
15:47Peace!
15:48So she always remembers this.
15:50Very nice.
15:51Oh, look, who is it?
15:52Hi, everyone.
15:53Sorry, well, thank you.
15:54Hello, Papaji.
15:55Happy birthday.
15:56Happy birthday.
15:57Oh, for me?
15:58Yeah.
15:59Your company would have been enough beta.
16:00Oh, it's just something.
16:01And who is this, Jeremy?
16:03This is Maria.
16:04Happy birthday, Mr. Delecchia.
16:05Chris has told me so much about you.
16:07Oh, your accent is, er...
16:10Maria's from Australia.
16:11Oh, no!
16:12Oh, no!
16:13Maria!
16:14Wait for you, Mr. Delecchia!
16:16Show me your gums now!
16:17God, Maria!
16:18Hello!
16:19I'm going!
16:21I'm like you, Mr. Delecchia!
16:24The once-ing Chuggie was just an ordinary plumber and fitter living in the Hounslow area
16:29of West London.
16:32Until one fateful day when he went to a car boot sale in Cranworth.
16:37It was there that he picked up a pair of battered old satin trousers...
16:42It was there that he picked up a pair of battered old satin trousers,
16:47which at once belonged to Chani from Malak.
16:52Unbeknown to Balwant, those trousers still contained special powers.
16:59From that day on, whenever he put on those special trousers,
17:02Balwant Singh Chuggie became...
17:04Bangra Man!
17:10Oh, young man!
17:13Honey!
17:17Help!
17:19He come, hey!
17:20Oh, Bangra Man!
17:22Meanwhile, a freak earthquake has rocked New York City
17:35and a young man is in grave danger.
17:38My little boy is trapped under the rubble.
17:41He's trapped under there.
17:44Oh, God.
17:45I'm sorry, ma'am.
17:47We don't have any cranes left to help him.
17:49But you gotta do something.
17:50He's gonna die in there.
17:52There ain't a man on earth who could lift that curter.
18:03Not even you can help him now, Vangerman.
18:05Oh, very hot.
18:06Oh, me the fireman, you're wrong.
18:13He's joking.
18:15Hey, he's jerking his shoulders
18:17in the rhythm of the traditional northern Indian folk dance.
18:21This is no time to dance.
18:23Oh, wait, look.
18:24Look.
18:25His shoulders are breached superhuman frequency.
18:35I've got to hand this to you, Vangerman.
18:37I guess I underestimated the power of Vangerman.
18:42Oh, Vangerman, how can we ever repay you?
18:46What?
18:47He's going to do it.
18:49What?
18:50Nacho!
18:51Oh, right.
18:56Yeah, okay.
18:57Right on.
18:58It's fun.
18:59Don't tell the guys at the station.
19:01Oh, man.
19:03Whenever I'm with you,
19:04I think of that actress, Cameron Diaz.
19:07Really?
19:08Why is that?
19:09She only won't get turned on, ain't it?
19:11Check, please.
19:20Some people say I look just like my dad.
19:22Oh, that'll be the moustache then, ain't it?
19:24I said, hey, buddy, in your dreams,
19:42get your hands off my belly button.
19:44I want to call a babe like me,
19:47you better have a muck and a PhD.
19:49Just because we're brown, don't expect
19:51we do the comma sutra on request.
19:53And we ain't got time to listen to your gulp
19:55cos being really stunning is a full-time job.
19:58All the men in town,
20:01hey, hey, hey,
20:02follow us around,
20:06hey,
20:07and we have to say,
20:10hi, hi, hi, no way,
20:12Jose,
20:13now go away and play.
20:15Say you've got leprosy,
20:17say it's time for your tea,
20:19say you've just got to be.
20:21Say S-E,
20:24say your dad's got a gun,
20:26say you've become a nun,
20:28or just say that you're game.
20:32In your dreams.
20:33I say,
20:34hey, girls,
20:35keep your cool,
20:36don't get jealous,
20:37go, you're beautiful.
20:38You don't know what it's like to be me,
20:40you ugly bunnies,
20:41I've got it easy.
20:42We know what the pair's all about,
20:45a really short skirt and a great big mouth,
20:47designer clothes,
20:48a baby for show,
20:49get you wedding pictures too.
20:51But it's a real shame.
20:54Hey, hey, hey,
20:56some guys just run away.
20:59Hey,
21:01ain't it obvious?
21:02Hey, hey,
21:04hey,
21:04they just
21:05can't cope,
21:07cause we're too damn gorgeous,
21:08says he's warm.
21:09Shame is there,
21:10got no clean underwear,
21:13when we call,
21:14he's not there.
21:16Say S-E,
21:17says his heart
21:18is too weak,
21:19says his wife
21:20needs to sleep,
21:22says Paul Gough,
21:23leave it chic.
21:25In your dreams.
21:26In your dreams.
21:52You see,
21:52I'm not like all the other men.
21:54Really?
21:55Yes.
21:57I don't think you're that ugly.
22:04Check, please.
22:07Meow,
22:08pussycats.
22:09Yeah,
22:09it's me,
22:10Smeetha Smitten,
22:11showbiz kitten,
22:12in yet another
22:13pilot show.
22:15But this time,
22:16I'm in the one place
22:17where they don't mind
22:18if you've got a booze
22:19and drugs problem.
22:21Children's television.
22:24Kids,
22:25I love them,
22:25don't I,
22:26kid.
22:29How about giving
22:30your old
22:31Auntie Smeetha
22:32a big kissy?
22:33Huh?
22:33No.
22:35They say the darndest
22:36things,
22:37don't they?
22:38I know.
22:39How about you and me
22:40sing a lovely little song
22:41about rabbits?
22:41You smell of tinko.
22:44Hmm?
22:44Hmm?
22:47We've all heard of the list
22:48of Britain's 100 richest Asians,
22:51but I'm here in the office
22:52of Mr. Mitty
22:53to talk about a very different list.
22:55Britain's 100 most vulgar Asians.
22:58Now, Mr. Mitty,
22:59you have joined the list
23:01at number three.
23:02Can you tell me
23:06some of the special qualities
23:07that you've shown
23:08to reach this pinnacle?
23:11I don't know.
23:15I'm just a businessman.
23:17You know,
23:17I don't know what attracted
23:17these people to me anyway.
23:23Do you consider yourself
23:31to be providing
23:32a role model
23:33for young British Asians?
23:34Well, you know,
23:35anything I can do
23:36to inspire these people.
23:42That's great.
23:47Mr. Mitty,
23:50thank you very much
23:51for talking to me.
23:52Yeah.
23:53That's no problem, eh?
23:55Grr!
24:02All right, listen up, lads.
24:09Now, I know Glenn Oddle
24:11got a lot of stick
24:12for using faith healers.
24:13You know,
24:14for forcing you lot
24:15to talk to some mad old lady
24:16who didn't know much
24:18about football.
24:19But I think he was
24:20on the right track.
24:21He just used the wrong person.
24:22All right?
24:23So I've brought in someone
24:25who hopefully
24:25is going to look after
24:27the spiritual side of things
24:28but who also knows
24:29a bit about the game.
24:31All right?
24:31He's a genuine football pundit.
24:33Now, let's give a big
24:36team England welcome
24:37to the guru
24:38Maharishi Yogi.
24:40Here he is, lad.
24:48Hello, boys.
24:50I am the guru
24:51Maharishi Yogi.
24:52How you doing?
24:53Mr. Keegan has asked me
24:56to speak to you today
24:57because as highly paid
24:59professional footballers,
25:01you are exposed
25:01to many temptations
25:03such as hard drugs
25:05and loose women.
25:08And I want you to know
25:09that I am here
25:10to share these troubles
25:11with you 50-50.
25:14Now, I would like to
25:15kick off
25:16with a passage
25:18from the ancient
25:18Sanskrit texts.
25:20I will translate.
25:25Now, this passage tells
25:37of a great battle
25:38fought by the gods.
25:40Very much like
25:42a cup tie.
25:43On the one hand,
25:45the forces of good.
25:45White shirts,
25:47blue shorts
25:47playing from left to right.
25:49Now, the other side,
25:51the forces of darkness
25:52referred to
25:53in the ancient texts
25:54as Germany.
25:59Now, during this battle,
26:01Lord Krishna
26:02was under great duress.
26:03But he didn't let
26:04his head drop down low.
26:06No.
26:06He reached down
26:08to his inner strength
26:09and grabbed firmly
26:11the hem of his foe's shirt
26:12bringing him down
26:13just outside the box
26:14and got away
26:14with the yellow card.
26:15Yeah, all right.
26:17All right, lads.
26:18Listen.
26:19Can you help us
26:20with dealing
26:21with defeat, Guruji?
26:22Ah.
26:23You see,
26:24within a war,
26:24there are many battles.
26:26Sometimes you're defeated
26:27and sometimes you're victorious.
26:30But we always remember
26:31the words
26:31of the poet.
26:32Marikana,
26:37Barnabas and Ciro.
26:42Wembley,
26:43Jeff Hurts,
26:44Kya Hero.
26:48Translated,
26:49this means
26:49I get knocked down.
26:52But I get up again.
26:53You ain't never
26:54going to keep me down.
26:55Then you drink
26:56a whiskey drink,
26:56you drink a vodka drink,
26:57you drink a cider drink.
26:58All right, lads.
26:59All right, lads.
27:00Now, look, Guruji,
27:02some of my lads,
27:03they're on a bit of a,
27:03you know,
27:04a bit of a short fuse.
27:06You know,
27:06how should they deal
27:07with a bad decision?
27:08Ah.
27:09Well, if we view
27:10the Mahabharata
27:11as a football match,
27:12then the text
27:13asks us
27:14one very pertinent question.
27:16Wah-wah-woo-ah-canton-ah.
27:27Kung-fu-hi-ram-au-voi.
27:31And translated,
27:33this asks the question,
27:36who's the tosser in the black?
27:39Who's the tosser in the black?
27:40Who's the tosser in the black?
27:44Referee, you're a...
27:46Meditation, meditation,
27:50everybody go,
27:50Om.
27:51Om.
27:52Om.
27:52Om.
27:55Football's coming,
27:55Om.
27:56Om.
27:58Om.
27:59Om.
28:00Om.
28:01Om.
28:02Om.
28:04Om.
28:06Om.
28:08Om.
28:09Om.
28:10Om.
28:10You know, for years
28:30I just suffered
28:31from these real feelings
28:32of, you know,
28:33inadequacy,
28:34really low self-esteem
28:35and I think it's only
28:36after my third therapist
28:37I really began to
28:38come to terms
28:39with my lack of confidence
28:40and, you know,
28:40it's only now
28:41as a woman
28:42I really feel
28:42I'm coming into my...
28:43You telling me, Dad,
28:44you know,
28:45reminds me of a song
28:46that, how is it called?
28:48Well,
28:48shut up,
28:50you face!
28:55Check, please.
28:56Good Dutch gracious me!
29:03Good Dutch gracious me!
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