00:00I wish I was in the land of cotton.
00:19Old times there are not forgotten.
00:22Look away.
00:24Look away.
00:24Is that you, 38?
00:3286.
00:34Come on.
00:43Well, 38, it certainly is good to see you again.
00:46How's Mrs. 38?
00:47Oh, just fine.
00:48We're expecting a little fraction soon.
00:54Oh, by the way, how's the chief these days?
00:57Still giving you all of those tough assignments?
00:59Yes, I don't know what it is with the chief, but he's yet to give me an assignment that
01:03hasn't turned out to be a tough one.
01:04Depends on you a lot, doesn't he?
01:06Tells you everything.
01:07Everything.
01:08Well, not everything.
01:09He hasn't told me about the secret formula for the new supersonic warhead yet.
01:13Oh.
01:14But he will.
01:15As a matter of fact, he's briefing me on it tomorrow before he leaves on his vacation,
01:18in case anything happens to him.
01:20It must be great being in on things like you are.
01:22We couriers never hear anything.
01:23We're like errand boys.
01:25You, uh, do you have anything for me?
01:27Oh, yes.
01:28There you are.
01:30You know, 38, there's something very different about you today.
01:33I just can't figure...
01:35Oh, I know what it is.
01:36It's that striped necktie.
01:37You never wear striped neckties.
01:38You always wear solid colors.
01:41Now, I wonder why you...
01:42Oh, my God.
01:44Oh, my God.
01:56We worship this for sure.
01:56Oh, boy.
01:58We shoutout.
02:02Oh, my God.
02:03Oh, my God.
02:05Oh, my God.
02:05Oh, my God.
02:05Oh, yes.
02:05Oh, my God.
02:06Oh, my God.
03:07I just don't understand it, Chief.
03:08Why in the world would he want to hit me?
03:10Are you sure that's all you said to him, just that you didn't like his necktie?
03:13That's all I said to him, Chief.
03:15I mean, after all, nobody wears a striped necktie with a plaid sport jacket.
03:23Practically nobody.
03:25A strange thing, Chief.
03:26Agent 38 didn't say that he hit Max.
03:29He said someone else did.
03:3038 always seems so stable to me.
03:32I can't imagine what...
03:33Chief, I'm sorry for breaking in like this, but I've had...
03:36Max, what are you doing?
03:37It's me, 38, your old friend.
03:40Now we're even, old friend.
03:42Well, I see you had the decency to change to a solid colored tie.
03:45Max, what is it, 38?
03:47What happened?
03:48I just escaped from chaos.
03:50They grabbed me when I was on my way to meet Max and took me to their hideout.
03:54Now, they've got a guy out there that's my double.
03:57A double?
03:57For you?
03:58Perfect.
03:59It looks exactly like me.
04:00Walks like me, talks like me.
04:01I doubt if anybody will ever tell us apart.
04:03Wait a minute, 38.
04:04Tell me, is Mrs. 38 expecting...
04:06Not that I know of.
04:07I think you'd better go home and check.
04:13What do you think all this means, Chief?
04:15It can only mean one thing, 99.
04:18The League of Impostors has made its first move.
04:20The League of Impostors?
04:21Right.
04:21Of course, the League of Impostors.
04:24It's gotta be the League of Impostors.
04:26What else could it be but the League of Impostors?
04:28One question, Chief.
04:30What?
04:30What is the League of Impostors?
04:33It's chaos, new, diabolical scheme to infiltrate us, Max.
04:37For years, they've been scouring the world for exact physical duplicates of the control personnel.
04:42Like the double for Agent 38.
04:43That's right.
04:44And they've trained each one of them to impersonate a specific control agent perfectly.
04:49Voice, mannerisms, everything.
04:51Oh, is that all?
04:53Well, they overlooked one little item, Chief.
04:56What's that?
04:57The eagle eye of Maxwell Smart.
04:59Which eye is that, Max?
05:03Now, look, Chief.
05:04I don't care how good an imposter is.
05:07I guarantee you that I'll see through them the minute I meet them face-to-face.
05:12You met one this morning, Max.
05:13Huh?
05:14You met one this morning.
05:16Oh, yes.
05:17Well, that was a different thing.
05:18We weren't face-to-face, Chief.
05:19You see, I was standing kind of sideways.
05:21Max!
05:22This is serious, Chief.
05:23Do you think that they have a double for every agent in control?
05:26This is Siegfried calling the imposter department.
05:30Send Johan in immediately.
05:31Please, and snap it up.
05:38Ah, Johan.
05:40I've been waiting for you.
05:42Sorry about that, Chief.
05:43I was just about to call you on my shoe phone.
05:46Ah, that's wonderful.
05:49You look more like smart than smart does.
05:52And your voice is his echo.
05:54Tell me, how long did it take you to learn that voice so perfectly?
05:57Just a few months, Siegfried.
05:59Oh, such a genius.
06:01It took me almost ten years to speak English so good like I do.
06:04Sit down, sit down.
06:05We discuss our plans.
06:08Hmm?
06:08We don't know who they're going to impersonate next.
06:11So none of us is safe.
06:12We can't take any chances.
06:15All right, that's it.
06:16Stay right where you are.
06:17Nobody move.
06:18Max!
06:19What are you doing?
06:21Just checking you out, mister.
06:23If you're really the chief of control, prove it.
06:26Put it away.
06:27I'm not putting anything away
06:29until I'm completely satisfied that you're not an imposter.
06:33If you don't put it away in exactly two seconds, you're fired.
06:36I'm completely satisfied.
06:39I admit you're thorough, but Max, you've got to learn to relax.
06:43I will never relax, chief.
06:44Never relax.
06:45Not until I break that evil league of impostors
06:48and smash them like insects.
06:57Uh, chief, you got anything that needs stamping?
07:01All right.
07:01Well, in that case, I think I'll go wash my hands.
07:06Well, Siegfried, I think it's time to act.
07:11I've never been so ready for a project in all my life.
07:14I've completely memorized everything there is to know about Maxwell Smart.
07:19Good.
07:19I have some new telephoto movies of him we just took.
07:22I'll run them now so you can brush up on his work, gestures, mannerisms.
07:26Dubrovnik, roll the film.
07:27Just a minute, Siegfried.
07:30Haven't you forgotten something?
07:31What is that?
07:32Where's the popcorn?
07:35Ah, that's wonderful, Johan.
07:37You're even beginning to think like schmalt.
07:40We don't know who they're going to grab next.
07:43All we can do is wait and see.
07:46A little hard on the nerves.
07:48Well, chief, at least you're not facing chaos alone.
07:50Max is with you all the way.
07:5399, if you can't say anything encouraging, don't say anything at all.
07:56For my ring.
07:58Oh, it's under the desk.
07:59I'll get it.
08:00Chief, the soap in that washroom is terrible.
08:03Look what it did to my hands.
08:04Yes, I know.
08:05My hands are all chapped, too.
08:08Max!
08:08Why did you hit the chief?
08:10Stand back, 99.
08:11That isn't the chief.
08:11It's an imposter.
08:12The chief always wears a ring.
08:13This man doesn't have a ring.
08:14Here it is, Max.
08:17It fell under the desk.
08:19Oh, sorry about that, chief.
08:21Oh, Max, we're getting so jumpy.
08:23If only there was some way to know who they were going to impersonate next.
08:27Yes, well, I can tell you one thing for sure.
08:29It won't be Maxwell Smart.
08:30Because if anybody comes through that door that looks like me,
08:33I'll recognize him in a minute.
08:35They might try, Max.
08:36They must have a lot of information about an agent as important as you.
08:39Yes, but they don't know the little things.
08:42The thousand tiny details that go to make up that complicated and fascinating personality
08:48known as Agent 86.
08:51Watch the walk now.
08:53He has a very distinctive walk.
08:55He looks like he's suffering from a severe case of tight underwear.
08:59And now we take our telephoto lens inside Smart's apartment.
09:04This is how he gets up in the morning.
09:06This is how he gets up in the morning.
09:36And even if someone does try to impersonate me, chief,
09:40I've got a brand new identification mark that nobody knows about.
09:44Good.
09:44If I have a secret way to check your ID, Max, it could save some lives.
09:47Right.
09:47I'll show it to you, chief.
09:50If you don't mind 99, I'd appreciate it if you turn your head.
09:54Max, we're control agents.
09:55We're not supposed to have secrets from one another.
09:57If you don't turn your head, I'm not going to show it.
10:00There it is, chief.
10:07Isn't it a beaut?
10:07I just got it yesterday.
10:09That's a pretty bad bruise, Max.
10:10How did it happen?
10:11Bridge game.
10:12I got a partner that signals a lot.
10:15It's a great identification.
10:17A big purple bruise on your right ankle.
10:20And this final scene is very interesting.
10:23We took it just last night.
10:26What's this?
10:33Ah.
10:34A large purple bruise on his right ankle.
10:38Yeah.
10:38A lovely color.
10:42That's it.
10:43Well, thank you, Siegfried.
10:48That movie was most helpful.
10:50I now have every mannerism of Maxwell Smart down to perfection.
10:54Good.
10:55Tomorrow they kidnap Maxwell Smart and you will take his place.
11:00Yes.
11:01But I must be very careful to remember not to let them see my right ankle.
11:04Why would you not let them see your right ankle?
11:08Because I don't have a bruise on my right ankle.
11:11You hate to know.
11:25Thirteen?
11:28Thirteen.
11:28Are you there, Thirteen?
11:32Which lock are you in, Thirteen?
11:35Here I am, eighty-six.
11:37Here I am, eighty-six.
11:39Salad.
11:41The old double agent put the two faces in the twin locker trick.
11:45I'm not the real Thirteen, he's the imposter.
11:48No, he's an imposter.
11:50He is.
11:51Now, just a minute, gentlemen.
11:54I'll decide who the imposter is.
11:56Don't worry, Agent Thirteen, he won't get away with this.
11:59And don't you worry either, Thirteen.
12:01He won't get away with it either.
12:02According to my fantastic memory, it seems to me that when I had breakfast with Agent Thirteen this morning, he had eggs for breakfast.
12:12And he spilt some of them on his lapel, which means that the imposter is you.
12:23Wait a minute.
12:25Come to think of it, he had cereal.
12:28Well, I was the one who had eggs.
12:32Put him up, eighty-six.
12:34Up.
12:34Come to think of it, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged, he's the one who had egged
13:04Someone's coming.
13:05Shut up.
13:20Okay.
13:34Max, over here.
13:58Chief, they were laying for me, and there were two thirteens.
14:01I know that, Max.
14:02I want to show you something.
14:03Hand me that folder, will you?
14:10Laps.
14:11Schnell.
14:11I want to show you something.
14:18I want to show you something.
14:20This will help with the impersonation.
14:30This will help with the impersonation.
14:43I see Mr. Schmartt is coming to his senses.
14:52If he has any left.
14:54Mr. Schmartt, meet Mr. Schmartt.
15:07Fantastic, isn't it?
15:09You'll never get away with this, Siegfried.
15:16He doesn't look any more like me than you do.
15:18He's got big ears, a long nose and a slit for a mouth.
15:22He looks exactly like you.
15:24He even has the same beady little eyes.
15:28Who does?
15:29Like it or not, he is you, and no one could tell the deaf ones.
15:34Very well, Siegfried.
15:36He might pass in the dark.
15:38But your plan is doomed to fail you because you overlooked one tiny little thing.
15:43You see, I happen to have a very distinctive and unique voice.
15:48Did you hear that, Siegfried?
15:49Siegfried?
15:50He has a very distinctive and unique voice.
15:54No.
15:55That's right.
15:56Listen to me.
15:57Mr. Schmartt, you might be interested in what we are going to do inasmuch as you are
16:02going to do it.
16:03Your chief, the real one, will reveal the secret of the supersonic warhead to our Johan
16:09here.
16:10As soon as he does, Johan will kill your chief, substitute our chief for him, and then control
16:16will be...
16:18How do you say it in your language?
16:20Ah, yes!
16:21We should have done something that he has done!
16:26Well, Siegfried, we'd better get going.
16:28It's ten minutes to three, if Mr. Schmartt's watch is correct.
16:32Oh, if it isn't, let me know.
16:34I have a lifetime guarantee on it.
16:36Which in your case is over.
16:37It's in ten more minutes.
16:39Dobrovnik, Pelenkov, get off his shoe!
16:42The other one, the one with the phone!
16:57Okay, Siegfried, that's it, you've had it.
16:59It's one thing when you fight the United States government, but it's quite another thing entirely
17:03when you start to fool around with AT&T.
17:05Schmabs, I leave you to your fate.
17:10When we close that door, this room will be hermetically sealed.
17:14Gas will be pouring in until you are out.
17:17Dead!
17:18There is no way to escape.
17:21Goodbye.
17:22Goodbye.
17:52I'm dying!
17:54.
17:59.
18:10Now, Max, I'll be leaving on my vacation in a few hours,
18:24so it's time to give you the formula for the new supersonic warhead.
18:27Now, remember, this is top secret, even to the rest of the control personnel.
18:31Don't worry about it, Chief.
18:32You have my word that nobody at control will hear about it from me.
18:36Good. Oh, wait a minute.
18:38Before I give you the formula for complete security, Max,
18:42I'd like to see your secret identification mark.
18:44Always thinking, aren't you, Chief?
18:50There you are, Chief.
18:51Fine.
18:52Okay, now about the warhead.
18:54Uh, 99, will you excuse us?
18:55Right, Chief.
18:56Now, Max, listen very carefully.
18:59Hold it, Chief. Don't say another word.
19:03This man is an imposter.
19:05His name is Johan, and he's a chaos agent.
19:07Don't listen to him, Chief.
19:09His name is Johan, and he's a chaos agent.
19:11Chief, you've got to believe me.
19:12I just escaped from a chaos cell a few minutes ago.
19:15But I don't know who...
19:16He's lying, Chief.
19:18Quiet, Max. I'm talking to, uh, Max.
19:22I can prove who I am.
19:2499, turn your head. Don't look.
19:26He has the identical bruise on his ankle.
19:28Well, that's probably just a cheap Japanese imitation.
19:31It seems hopeless, Chief.
19:34There doesn't seem to be any way to tell them apart.
19:37They're exact doubles.
19:39You think that's something?
19:40They've got a guy that looks so much like you, Chief, he could pass...
19:43Wait a minute.
19:45Maybe you're passing for him.
19:48Maybe you're the imposter.
19:50No, I'm the Chief, but I can't take any chances.
19:53One of you is a chaos agent,
19:54and until I find out who it is,
19:56I'll have to keep you both under guard.
19:58I've got it.
20:00My fingerprints.
20:01He can't have my fingerprints
20:03because these are my fingers.
20:05No, it wouldn't work.
20:07Whoever the fake smart is,
20:08he's already had access to the fingerprint files.
20:11And there's nothing that could keep him
20:12from substituting his prints for the real ones.
20:15What are we going to do, Chief?
20:16This could paralyze our whole organization.
20:19There's only one answer, 99.
20:22Emergency Identification Procedure Number 6A.
20:25This evening at 6 o'clock,
20:26a board of inquiry will determine who the real Max is.
20:31On 99, you know Max better than anybody else.
20:33I want to have you on that board.
20:34Right.
20:35Now, until 6 o'clock, you're both prisoners.
20:43Don't coughs.
20:45Don't die.
20:46Don't die.
20:46Don't die.
20:47Susses.
20:49You let smart escape from under your noses.
20:52Please, please, Siegfried.
20:53Try to calm yourself.
20:55I am calm.
20:56You should see me when I'm upset.
20:57But now, because of your stupidity,
21:00we have to put Plan B on C into effect.
21:02I know what Plan B is,
21:04but Siegfried, what is Plan C?
21:07This is Plan C.
21:09Darling, would you please be kind enough to put Plan B into effect?
21:21Thank you, sweetheart.
21:2712.40.
21:29And smart number two,
21:31how much did you overcharge control on last week's expense account?
21:3512.40.
21:38Smart number one,
21:39what was your reason for joining control?
21:42I wanted to fight the forces of evil
21:45and serve on the side of niceness.
21:48Smart number two,
21:49what was your reason for joining?
21:51I needed the money.
21:52That, too.
21:54Smart number one,
21:56have you ever kissed me?
21:58I'm not the kind of a man to kiss and tell.
22:00Chief, he's ducking the question.
22:02According to the rules, that's his answer.
22:04Smart number two,
22:05have you ever kissed me?
22:07Don't you remember?
22:08I'll never forget.
22:10Yes, I kissed you.
22:13Smart number two,
22:14in what cities does control have secret headquarters?
22:18Washington, New York,
22:20Baltimore, Los Angeles,
22:21Cleveland, and Phoenix.
22:23And we had one in Las Vegas,
22:25but we lost it.
22:26Smart number one,
22:28when you went to England on the Martin case,
22:30what was the cover you used?
22:32I posed as the prime minister.
22:34You posed as the prime minister?
22:37Well, I didn't say it was a successful cover.
22:40Smart number one,
22:41last week,
22:42what did you tell me
22:43in the strictest confidence about the chief?
22:47Chief,
22:48that's not fair.
22:49Would you answer a question like that?
22:51Yes, I would.
22:52Well, go ahead and answer it.
22:54Smart number one,
22:55answer the question.
22:56Well, I said that you were an inconsiderate Simon LeGree
23:01who bullies his employees
23:03and has no conception
23:04of how this organization ought to be run.
23:06Remember, I'm only quoting.
23:07And the answer to that
23:13is agents
23:1442,
23:1557,
23:1635,
23:1714,
23:17and 2.
23:19That concludes the questioning.
23:21Your decisions, please.
23:24Here.
23:31Smart number one,
23:32step forward, please.
23:33Well, you took your own sweet time about it,
23:38but I'm glad to see
23:39that you finally come to the right decision.
23:42The panel has decided
23:43that you are the chaos imposter,
23:45and since this calls for emergency action,
23:47you will be shot right now.
23:49Are you all right, Chief?
24:07Yes, it's just my shoulder.
24:08Chief, are you all right?
24:09Yes, it's just his shoulder.
24:11Oh, Max.
24:15I certainly hope I shot the right one of me.
24:19What?
24:22I want to try.
24:33All right.
24:34I want to try.
24:41Oh, Hans.
24:46Come on.
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