- ayer
This episode has Max teaming up with a CONTROL agent named Samuels (Stu Gilliam) to pose as a ping-pong champ in a tournament in Istanbul in order to defeat ACB, the "third spy network" (a parody of the ABC television network). (The episode is a parody of I Spy, and Samuels is a parody of Bill Cosby's tennis pro character Alexander Scott. Robert Culp, the other star of I Spy, has a cameo as a Turkish waiter). (Working title: "That's the Way the Ball Bounces".)
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00:00your husband served the cause of control well he always conducted himself with honor
00:14your husband served the cause of chaos well he always conducted himself with dishonor
00:20oh max the funeral of a double agent is a sad thing
00:27yes particularly in this case johan was working for both chaos and control now part of them is up
00:33there part of them is down there one of our loveliest cooperative funerals i suppose the
00:41same arrangement still holds oh yes you pay 40 and we pay 60 but fine the truth then is still in effect
00:49yes uh can i uh drop you off at your secret headquarters oh i wouldn't want you to go to
00:53any trouble well there's no trouble chief their secret headquarters are right on the way to one
00:56secret headquarters thank you wait a minute hold it right where you are everybody get away from
01:05that car come on out exactly what is it all about mr smart just be quiet and get over there all of you
01:10now gentlemen i have reason to believe that a bomb has been attached to this starter
01:18what yes chief it's really quite simple you see those two leaves on the windshield
01:22somebody obviously lifted up this hood forcing those two leaves to slide back on the windshield
01:28max put the gun away and come over here please but chief put it away and come here get in
01:33gentlemen and start the car mr smart ours is a careful organization all chaos cars are equipped
01:40with a device which prevents the hood from being lifted until the ignition key is turned to release it
01:46well max max you saved the chiefs live you were right about the leaves well of course i was right
01:59about the leaves 99 in my observation of nature i have found that no two leaves can fall from the
02:05same tree and land in exactly the same place you don't understand is who would put the bomb in the
02:11engine they must have known i'd be riding with you who'd want to kill the chaos chief and the control
02:16chief at the same time and who would commit the brutal murder of a double agent it's a senseless
02:21atrocity wait a minute 99 atrocities cruelties and brutalities the thing that we feared for so long
02:30has finally come to pass what's that max a c b the third spy network
03:00so
03:10so
03:12so
03:20Assuming there is a third spy network, chief, who's behind it?
03:42A former chaos agent named Kubitschek.
03:44He quit chaos two years ago when he was refused a promotion.
03:47He tried to join our side, but we refused him.
03:49And he vowed to destroy both chaos and control.
03:52Well, that's terrible, chief. How are we going to stop Kubitschek?
03:55Well, I have a plan, but you'll need help.
03:57Now, the only available agents are the two new recruits.
04:00Now, which would you rather work with, Samuels or Wu Fong?
04:03I think we'd better work with Wu Fong, chief.
04:05Why?
04:06Well, I'm a little rusty on my Mandarin Chinese, and I may have to chase Kubitschek into the Orient.
04:12Oh, all right.
04:15Larrabee.
04:15Yes, sir?
04:16Send in Wu Fong.
04:19What do you say, man?
04:24You're Wu Fong?
04:26No, man.
04:27Wu Fong is down with a case of American flu.
04:31All right.
04:32Why don't you sit down?
04:32We have work to do.
04:33Yeah, man.
04:34How did we catch this Kubitschek cat?
04:37It's really quite simple, Samuels.
04:39Find a man who looks like that, and you have found Mr. Kubitschek.
04:43I wish you were that easy, Max, but Kubitschek also looks like this, and like this, and like
04:52this.
04:52All of those are Kubitschek, chief?
04:55They must be putting us on.
04:57No, 99's plastic surgery.
04:59And since Kubitschek has dropped out of sight again, I assume he's used it again.
05:03Well, then it's going to be impossible to identify him.
05:05Kubitschek is a ping-pong fanatic.
05:07He plays equally well with his left hand or his right hand.
05:10Now, he's only been beaten once, and that time by the legendary masked marvel.
05:14He hates the masked marvel, and he might just come out in the open for a chance to get
05:19back at him.
05:20Then what we have to do is to get the masked marvel to issue a challenge.
05:23No, it's too risky, Max.
05:24Kubitschek might kill him.
05:26Now, we've got to set up a decoy masked marvel.
05:28And you're the one agent who is the right size to pass for him with a mask on.
05:32How do I fit in, chief?
05:34Well, your file says that you also play ping-pong well, 99.
05:37Now, you two will make a world ping-pong exhibition tour and smoke Kubitschek out.
05:43I get it, chief.
05:44We'll be sort of table tennis bums.
05:47But what about Samuels here?
05:49Three-handed ping-pong is a little tricky.
05:51Samuels will go along as your trainer.
05:53He'll protect you while you're playing.
05:54Is that right, Samuels?
05:55Yeah, well, yeah.
05:56Well, you know, in the words of that great American patriot Calvin Coolidge.
06:01Sure.
06:04Uh, chief, are you sure we can't get Wu-Fung?
06:07Now, before you begin training, I want to show you some special equipment.
06:12Well, I know what this is.
06:13It's an ordinary ping-pong paddle.
06:15Not quite, Max.
06:16Press the button.
06:19It's a shortwave radio, so you can contact me from any place in the world.
06:24Precisely.
06:25Huh.
06:25What'll they think of next?
06:27I'm glad you asked that, Samuels.
06:29Next, we have some miniature hand grenades.
06:31Yes.
06:32Very cleverly disguised as ordinary ping-pong balls.
06:38Those are ordinary ping-pong balls, Max.
06:40These are the miniature hand grenades.
06:43Exactly.
06:43What about the rest of these paddles, chief?
06:48Well, they're all equipped with built-in guns to afford you some kind of protection while you're playing.
06:53Well, that's about it.
06:55Not quite, chief.
06:56Samuels, hand me that box.
07:00Hey, man, come on.
07:01This thing weighs a ton.
07:03What is it?
07:04It's a bulletproof sweater.
07:07Now, what looks like ordinary wool is actually spun lead.
07:12Here, help me on with this thing.
07:23It's lovely, Max, but how do you play ping-pong in it?
07:27Very slowly.
07:29Your tour begins in two days.
07:30You better start practicing.
07:34Oh, my God.
08:04Hey, Max.
08:18Yeah, ma'am.
08:19I mean, you know what's happening.
08:21All work in no kuba chat.
08:23Makes Mr. Samuels...
08:25Oh, dull boy.
08:26No, makes the chief push an expense account.
08:30Yes, well, it may have come to your attention, Mr. Samuels, that my ping-pong is becoming quite fantastic.
08:37Who knows, but little old Mr. Kubitschek may just be afraid to play the old mass marvel.
08:43Kimo Sabe, well, that's the way the old...
08:46The old bounces is what you're trying to say.
08:50Yes, well, look at all the cities we've gotten to see, all the places we've been.
08:56We even got here to little old Constantinople.
08:59Oh, hey, man, come on now.
09:01I mean, you know, it's Istanbul now, not Constantinople.
09:04Now, what ever made Constantinople get the works, ma'am?
09:08Oh, like, that's nobody's business but the...
09:11The Turks, yes, I know.
09:13Hey, man, look, I think you just won the mass, didn't you?
09:17How about that?
09:18Won the little old mass.
09:19The mass marvel did it again, yes.
09:22Well, now, if you'll just come with me, I have a little old plan.
09:26Now, here is the plan.
09:29I will take a shower and see you later.
09:32Yes, Mr. Smart, that is indeed a dandy fruit sort of work.
09:36I will go on ahead and you tell the dandy plan to 99.
09:41I will tell it to her precisely as I said.
09:44Max, you're beginning to sound just like Samuels.
09:47What were you two talking about?
09:48I haven't the faintest idea, 99, but I'm beginning to enjoy it.
09:52By the way, your ping-pong game is getting to be fantastic.
09:55Oh, really, Max?
09:56Yes, watch it.
09:57You are, without a doubt, the worst.
10:07What is your usual cover, anyway?
10:10Would you believe a Jewish song and dance, man?
10:15Who is it?
10:17A friend, Mr. Smart.
10:19Well, wait a minute, I'm not dressed.
10:23If that looks like what it sounds like,
10:26you'd better get out a couple of books.
10:35Who are you and how did you know my name?
10:38That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
10:40Alone.
10:43Yeah, I know.
10:44Don't tell me.
10:45Go to my room and read a good book.
10:47Try Les Miserables.
10:54Well, what can I do for you, Miss?
10:56Tamara.
10:57Tamara?
10:58I thought you wanted to talk to me today.
11:00I do.
11:01My name is Tamara.
11:03I'm a dancer.
11:04Oh, well, I'm sorry.
11:05We're not hiring any dancers today, Tamara.
11:08Dancing is just my cover.
11:10My partner and I are actually control agents.
11:13But a man called Kubitschek wants us to defect to ACB.
11:18Well, who is your partner?
11:19Today.
11:20Today?
11:21Yes, today.
11:22Well, what is it?
11:23Yesterday, today, or tomorrow?
11:25Today.
11:26That's our act.
11:27Today and tomorrow.
11:28Oh, but our names will be mud if Kubitschek gets a hold of us.
11:31He's already threatened to kill today.
11:33Oh.
11:35And today can identify Kubitschek?
11:37No.
11:38Today you're supposed to go to the club tonight.
11:41To defect or die.
11:43And you want me to help you?
11:44Yes, you must come to the club tonight and save today.
11:48All right, I'll come to the club tonight.
11:50What time tonight?
11:50Not tonight, today.
11:52The name of the club is the club tonight.
11:55Oh, yes.
11:56Well, all right, I'll come to the club tonight, today, to save today, tomorrow.
12:01Yes, well, I'll see you later tomorrow.
12:04I mean, I'll see you today, tomorrow.
12:06You better get out of here.
12:07If you keep your eyes on the piccolo player, I'll watch tomorrow.
12:35Hey, no, man.
12:36She's not the one who's in trouble.
12:38Not from Kubitschek, anyway.
12:42Kind gentleman, lovely lady, it would please me to take your order now.
12:47It would please us to give you our order.
12:50The usual 99?
12:51Yes, thank you.
12:52A champagne cocktail for the lady.
12:54I'll have scotch on the rocks.
12:55Fervin on the rocks.
12:57On the rocks for my little friend here.
13:00Very nice.
13:00Very wonderful.
13:01Very original.
13:06Kubitschek is not contacted today yet.
13:17When he does, I will signal you.
13:19How?
13:23Here.
13:29What's wrong, Max?
13:31This is written in Mandarin Chinese.
13:33I told you we should have brought Fung Wu along.
13:35It's Wu Fung.
13:37Fung Wu, Wu Fung.
13:38What's the difference?
13:39He should be here.
13:40Hey, man.
13:41Come on.
13:42I was reading Mandarin just last night in the room.
13:46Of course, this is a little close to the paper, but I think we can make it out.
13:50All right, we're here.
13:52Mm-hmm.
13:53Just a moment, sir.
13:59This may be his drink.
14:14You see, sir, I was correct.
14:18You have the bourbon.
14:20No, scotch on the rocks for me.
14:21Bourbon.
14:22On the rocks for my little friend here.
14:24Would you care for another round, sir?
14:25I certainly would.
14:27I don't know.
14:27Very good, sir.
14:28You shall have it.
14:30Uh-huh.
14:31When the chick spots Kubitschek, she'll go into the dance of the seven veils.
14:35The seven veils, huh?
14:37Kubitschek sits at table one.
14:39She'll take off one veil.
14:41If he's at table two, she'll take off two veils.
14:43And so on.
14:45Through the tables.
14:46Tables three, four, five, and six.
14:48Five and six.
14:49Eh, what if he goes to table seven?
14:51The cops come in and close the place down.
14:56No, no, I haven't finished this one yet.
14:58Oh.
15:00Well, then we can't permit it to go stale, can we?
15:08Gentlemen, this time I believe we have success.
15:12You sure you've got these straight now?
15:14You see, sir, once again I'm correct.
15:36I have failed you, but never fear.
15:38For Allah is with me.
15:42Well, I wonder if you'd ask Allah to bring the drinks over.
15:45We'd like to get something going here.
15:47Most assuredly.
15:49And, um, you had the...
15:51Scotch on the rocks.
15:52Bourbon on the rocks.
15:53This is it, and a champagne cocktail for the lovely lady.
15:57No, nothing more for me, thank you.
15:58Listen, I hope I'm not out of line, but would you mind bringing us our drinks?
16:02Certainly, sir.
16:03What if you tell me what it was I was having?
16:08I was having a scotch on the rocks, and my friend, he, was having bourbon on the rocks.
16:13Forgive me for intruding, sir, but don't you feel that perhaps you've already had enough to drink?
16:18But I haven't had anything to drink.
16:20I didn't even have a little sip.
16:21But you know but, sir.
16:22But you know but, sir.
16:23Answer me one question.
16:24Answer you a question.
16:25If you will, briefly.
16:26I will, briefly.
16:27And quickly.
16:28As quickly as I can.
16:29Are you driving a car?
16:31Am I driving?
16:31No, I'm driving a camel.
16:33Of course I'm driving a car.
16:36I've never been on a camel in my life.
16:38I'd probably fall off the hump and hurt myself.
16:39Driving a car, indeed, in that case, that's it for you.
16:44I can't permit you to drive and drain.
16:48Drain and drop.
16:50Because in all cases, you must return this lovely child to her mom.
16:55In the words of the Maharajay, no more booze for you.
17:05Well, I'm learning more about Mr. Kubitschek every minute.
17:08Not only is he a liar, a traitor, and a murderer, but he can't even keep an appointment.
17:14Now, is that any way to run a third spy network?
17:16Still no Kubitschek, Mr. Smart.
17:21And we're off in five minutes.
17:23Kubitschek must be here.
17:25He's just not showing himself.
17:27Hey, oh, hey.
17:28I just remembered something.
17:30Kubitschek never could resist a ball.
17:32So the plan is, we start a fight, and whoever joins in is Kubitschek.
17:39Now, that is a dandy little plan.
17:43Yes, I like that a lot.
17:46Now, all we have to see is that you don't hurt yourself.
17:49Oh, well, yeah, uh, you're all, uh, all a lot of heart.
17:55No, boom.
17:56A whole big heart.
18:01That, that was cute.
18:02That, that was cute.
18:04Sneaky, but cute, cute.
18:06I like that.
18:07Okay, now all you have to do is watch my right hand.
18:11Hmm, that must be Kubitschek.
18:25Or maybe that's Kubitschek.
18:27Hey, man, I count four Kubitschek's already.
18:46Here comes number five!
18:57He's still alive, Tamara.
19:16Who did it today?
19:17I'm not a quick knee.
19:19What did he say, Max?
19:21He asked me to get my knee off his chest.
19:23Well, that tears at 99.
19:28Kubitschek got away again.
19:29No, I saw him.
19:31Kubitschek is...
19:33Max!
19:36Is she?
19:39Yes, 99?
19:40There's no tomorrow.
19:43Samuels, Kubitschek just left.
19:44Did you run into him?
19:45Man, I ran into somebody.
19:47Can you describe him?
19:48Well, man, you know, these Turks all look alike to me.
19:53Well, 99, you certainly picked a great time to hurt your arm.
19:59The tournament starts in an hour.
20:01Who am I going to warm up with?
20:02I know that, Max.
20:03I want to find Kubitschek as much as you do.
20:05Well, it's not Kubitschek that I'm worried about.
20:07It's the hotel.
20:08This tournament pays for all our expenses.
20:10They're liable to confiscate our clothes.
20:12Samuels.
20:12Hey, baby.
20:14Here.
20:14You're going to have to warm me up.
20:16Warm you?
20:17Hey, man, I can't play this game.
20:20I mean, you know.
20:22Don't worry.
20:23I'll take it easy on you.
20:24Max, he used his right hand.
20:51So you're Kubitschek.
20:55That's right.
20:56My plastic surgeon is too much.
20:59Well, Samuels, or Kubitschek, or whatever your name is, drop the paddle.
21:03I've got you covered.
21:04Not with that.
21:05You don't got me covered.
21:06Oh, no?
21:09I'm a sportsman.
21:10I'll let you pick the way you want to die.
21:13Oh, okay.
21:14How about old age?
21:17Tell you what.
21:17We'll finish the game.
21:19If you win, I'll release you.
21:22Well, that sounds fair enough.
21:23If you lose, I'll kill you.
21:26And just to make it interesting, how about $5 on the side?
21:31I had enough of your cornball jokes.
21:33Sir!
21:34Tied with you long enough, baby.
21:52Game point coming up.
21:54Max, that's it.
22:14He can't return a law.
22:15Well, it's all over, Kubitschek.
22:17Care to concede?
22:18Never.
22:19Never.
22:24Well, that does it, Kubitschek.
22:29Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll just...
22:31Not on your life.
22:33Well, wait a minute, Kubitschek.
22:34You said if I'd beat you, you'd release us.
22:37Alive.
22:37All right, Kubitschek, drop it.
22:43Chief!
22:44With all the defections to ACB,
22:47I was the only control agent I was sure I could trust.
22:49I've been following you since the start.
22:51The old chief in the brown beard and wig tripping.
22:57Well, I guess that just about wraps it up, Kubitschek.
23:01All right, drop it.
23:07All right, let's go.
23:08You three sure you won't change your minds
23:19and join my third spy network, ACB?
23:23Not a chance, Samuels.
23:26Kind of hate to do you in.
23:27We did have some kicks.
23:30Maybe we should take a vote on it.
23:31You know, try 13 weeks.
23:33He's a vicious killer and a traitor.
23:35That's our final decision, Kubitschek.
23:39You can go ahead and shoot now if you want to.
23:42What I had in mind was your idea.
23:45I rigged a small grenade in this ping-pong ball.
23:49And, well, that's it.
23:51As George Washington said in his farewell to his troops.
23:56Farewell, troops.
23:57Max, brilliant return.
24:10How did you do it?
24:11It was really quite simple, 99.
24:13I just took the racket, flicked my wrist,
24:16and aimed for that window over there.
24:17I just took the racket.
24:47I just took the racket.
24:51Peace out for you.
24:54Yo, my brother.
24:55Come back.
24:56Let's do it.
24:56I was just...
24:56What happened to my país bandit?
24:58Now, get back.
24:59This is how I'm Frisco,
25:01your viewons can be.
25:02You can train your way.
25:04Well, sometimes itings me.
25:04You forgot your thoughts down yet.
25:08You can act on because ...
25:08You can act on because we don't give the mate arms
25:11that were really purposes.
25:12I was insanely content for both of them.
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