- hace 5 meses
Max's army buddy Sid (played by guest star Don Rickles) is in town to visit, but Max is involved in a case. Sid discovers a "black book" full of women's names, and assumes it is a list of women Max knows socially. It is in fact a list of KAOS code names, and when Sid uses the black book to make a phone call, he inadvertently involves both of them in a web of intrigue. (Working title: "The Visiting Fireman".) James Komack guest stars as a KAOS agent/killer.
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00:00Right, Sid. I'll see you in a few minutes.
00:15Hello?
00:16Hello, 99 Max.
00:17Oh, hello, Max.
00:18Listen, 99, are you free tonight?
00:20Oh, well, I'm sitting in for Larrabee, but he should be back soon.
00:24What did you have in mind?
00:25Oh, I don't know. I thought a few drinks, a little dancing,
00:28maybe a late supper?
00:30I'd love that. Shall I pick you up as usual?
00:34Well, it's not exactly that way, 99.
00:36You see, there's a buddy of mine in town,
00:39and, well, he asked me if I could get him a date,
00:41and I thought if you weren't doing anything tonight.
00:43But, Max...
00:45Oh, one more thing, 99.
00:47I wonder if you could get a girl for me while you're at it.
00:49And nothing special about 5'2", blonde hair, blue eyes.
00:58Who is it?
01:11Gina Matusik, open the door, please.
01:13I must speak to you.
01:14Gina Matusik, I must speak to you.
01:28Mr. Smart, please open the door.
01:35Gina Matusik, for heaven's sake,
01:38I haven't seen you in a long time.
01:40We've never met Mr. Smart.
01:41That long, eh?
01:42Come on over here and sit down.
01:45There.
01:47Now, what can I do for you?
01:50Chaos has orders to find me and kill me,
01:53but I think I've lost him for now.
01:55Well, why in the world would anyone want to kill you?
01:57I've been working for Chaos,
01:59but I've got to get away,
02:01and I haven't any money.
02:03I have some very important information for you
02:05for $50,000.
02:07$50,000?
02:08That's a lot of money.
02:11Oh, look, you're shaking all over.
02:13Why don't you let me get you a drink?
02:15Vodka, please.
02:17Okay.
02:19Vodka, eh?
02:20Are you sure you're defecting?
02:22Who is it?
02:45Max, it's Sid Grim.
02:46Open up.
02:47It's cold out here.
02:48In a minute, Sid, I'm not dressed.
02:52Max, pussycat.
03:23Sid, it's good to see you again.
03:24You haven't changed a bit.
03:26How long has it been now?
03:27Fifteen years.
03:28You forgot?
03:28Seoul, Korea.
03:301952.
03:30Don't you remember?
03:31We said if we both lived through this,
03:33we'd get together again, huh, pal?
03:34Well, we almost didn't make it.
03:36Yeah, that was a tough bar, Sid.
03:37Yeah, remember?
03:38Remember this one?
03:38Chosan Reservoir.
03:39Remember that?
03:40Porkchop Hill.
03:41Remember when we had these?
03:42Ha!
03:42Ha!
03:42Ha!
03:43Look out, baby!
03:45Incoming mail!
03:46Boom!
03:46Boom!
03:46Boom!
03:47I got it!
03:52I got it!
03:57Holy cow!
03:58What was that?
03:59I got it!
04:01Bro, what was that?
05:24I'm not in anything. I'm a greeting card salesman.
05:28Oh, yeah?
05:29Greeting card salesman with hand grenades?
05:31Yes, well, I also sell hand grenades.
05:34I mean, greeting cards and hand grenades are compatible.
05:37Greeting cards and hand grenades go together?
05:40Yes.
05:41Well, let's look at it like this, Sid.
05:43You see, there's Mother's Day, right?
05:45And then there's Christmas, and in between Mother's Day and Christmas, there's hunting week.
05:53Well, where are you staying while you're in town, Sid?
05:56Right here, sweetheart. Right here in your place. Yeah.
05:59Hey, what's this, the button for the maid?
06:00Don't tell me, sweetheart.
06:07You're also in the business of selling fishing equipment.
06:11Look, Sid, you can go up in my bedroom and sleep in my bed.
06:14The sofa's a little tricky.
06:15The sofa's a little tricky?
06:16What's in the bed, quicksand?
06:18Listen, Max, tell me, what kind of a discharge did you get when you got out of the army?
06:27Honorable, of course. Why?
06:29Oh, nothing, just a wild hunch.
06:33Well, can we get out of the net now?
06:37Oh, it's a net. Right, right, Sid.
06:39Just press the button again.
06:40Well, enough of this stuff. Let's get to the action. Where are the broads?
06:51Broads?
06:52Try to read my lips, dummy.
06:54Broads, Dames.
06:56Does the word girl mean anything to you?
06:59Yes. Well, I really haven't had a chance to do anything about the girls.
07:03But I'll tell you what, I'll go upstairs and I'll get into my class A's,
07:06and then I'll try to arrange something.
07:08In the meantime, why don't you have a drink?
07:10Uh-huh. Now you're talking, sweetheart. Now you're talking.
07:13Two Poussand painkillers coming right up.
07:16Make mine a scotch and soda, Sid.
07:18All right. That's one Poussand painkiller for the sergeant.
07:22And a scotch and soda for the whack.
07:25Over hill, over dale, as we hit the dusty trail.
07:30No, Chief, she's wounded. You better call an ambulance.
07:33No, I don't know what information she had. She was shot before I could find out.
07:36Well, Chaos thinks you got the information, Mac, so they wouldn't have thrown the grenade.
07:41Now go over the whole story again. There has to be some clue.
07:45I might want more.
07:48Hey, corporal! Where were the broads?
07:50Uh, I'm a little busy, Sid. Why don't you call them?
07:54Look at my address book.
07:55Address book.
07:56Where is it? I don't know. It's down there somewhere. Look.
08:01All right.
08:02Da-da-da.
08:04Ba-da-da.
08:06Dum-dum-dum.
08:09Ah.
08:12Ah.
08:14Ah.
08:15Let's see now.
08:17Shirley.
08:18Mary.
08:19Francine.
08:20Sophie.
08:21Barbara.
08:21Dorothy.
08:23Ah.
08:24Zelda.
08:24Nancy.
08:25That's the one.
08:26Bingo!
08:27Da-da.
08:29Da-da-da.
08:30Da-da.
08:31Hey, corporal!
08:32You haven't lost your touch!
08:35I guess that's the last part of the mind that goes.
08:39Da-da.
08:40Da-da.
08:41Hello, Nancy.
08:43With the laughing face.
08:45Who's calling, please?
08:48Maxwell Smart here.
08:50What are you doing tonight, baby?
08:51And let's do it together.
08:53One moment, please.
08:56Maestro.
08:57Maxwell Smart's calling for your code name Nancy.
09:00He wants a date.
09:02So, Smart does have my two-six book, but he doesn't know what it is.
09:07Well, what should I do?
09:09Let him think you're Nancy.
09:11Da-da-well.
09:12This is Nancy.
09:14What's on your mind, Max?
09:16Listen, honey.
09:17I happen to have a friend of mine in town.
09:19Good-looking guy.
09:20Sid Krim.
09:21And I just thought if you and your girlfriend could come over to our place and we could have
09:25a wonderful evening.
09:30On second thought, maybe we could go out somewhere.
09:34He wants to go out with me and he needs a date for his friend.
09:38Splendid.
09:38Take Zelda along with you.
09:40It'll give me a chance to search Smart's apartment for the book.
09:45Okay, Max.
09:46Ah, and I've got a cute friend named Zelda.
09:49We'll meet you in an hour at...
09:51The Pen and Quill.
09:53The Pen and Quill.
09:54Okay, meet you at the Pen and Quill.
09:57Right.
10:02Action City.
10:03Oh, this is going to be great.
10:04Right, Chief.
10:33Got you, Chief.
10:35Come on, Max.
10:36Let's go.
10:45Uh, I'll be with you in a minute, Chief.
10:48Chief?
10:49Chief.
10:50That's real cute, Max.
10:51What do you call your other shoe?
10:53Mini-ha-ha?
10:55Sid, if you don't mind, I'm talking to somebody.
10:58Tell him he just missed Custer's last stand on the stairway.
11:02Oh, that.
11:03I can explain that, Sid.
11:05Explain?
11:06What for?
11:07I was almost blown up by a hand grenade.
11:10I was netted like a trout.
11:12I was almost shush-kebab with this.
11:15And I come in here now, and I find you having a powwow with your shoe.
11:27I can explain that, Sid.
11:32I'm telling you, I can explain that.
11:35There's nothing to explain.
11:38You are a ding-a-ling.
11:39I'm calling a doctor.
11:41Sid, you've got to give me a chance.
11:43I'm telling you, Sid.
11:44I can explain this.
11:50Sid, wait.
11:50I can explain.
11:51There's no explaining.
11:52I'm calling the wagon.
11:54Sid, wait.
12:06Well, that's all I can tell you, Sid.
12:09I work for the government, and I'm on a secret mission.
12:13You believe me, don't you?
12:16I believe you.
12:17You read a lot of these spy books, cloak-and-dagger stuff.
12:23No more than anyone else who works for the government on secret missions.
12:28You don't believe me.
12:30I believe you.
12:34Listen, Max.
12:36Do me a favor, huh?
12:38When we're out with the girls tonight, don't talk into the shoe.
12:43I understand.
12:44But they're libel to think you're a little eccentric.
13:04I just got the word from the maestro.
13:06Now, he's sure that Smart has the little black book on him.
13:09He wants us to get him into the back room.
13:11Oh.
13:14The boys will take care of him in there.
13:17Oh.
13:18I hope they don't hurt him.
13:19I hate to see people get hurt.
13:22Especially men.
13:23That must be them.
13:36Yeah, yeah, there they are.
13:38Wait a minute, Sid.
13:39Those girls look like chaos.
13:40Yeah, yeah, yeah, chaos.
13:42You don't understand what I'm talking about.
13:43They look like spies.
13:44Sure, sure, they're spies.
13:46Maybe one of them will try to kiss me to death, and I'll have to sigh for help.
13:49Hey, what are you talking about, spies?
13:52I found them in your little black book.
13:54What little black book?
13:55I don't have a little black book.
13:56I got a little red book.
13:57Well, it was black when I found it on the floor, and it's black now.
14:00So that's what she was trying to sell me.
14:03Remember, Smart has the book.
14:05Now work on him and forget about Krim.
14:08Which is which?
14:10Well, the dopey one with the beady eyes must be Krim.
14:12Hi, Nancy Zelda.
14:17Well, enough of the small talk.
14:19What do you say we go to your place and have a little nightcap, eh?
14:22Relax, honey.
14:23We've got all night.
14:24Now tell me, where did you get my number, Max?
14:27I'm Max.
14:28He's Sid.
14:29Where did you get our number, Max?
14:32I didn't call you.
14:33Sid did.
14:34Where did you get our number, Sid?
14:36Out of the little black book.
14:38The one he thinks is red.
14:38All right, Zelda, Nancy, about this little black book.
14:43What is it?
14:43The Chaos Code?
14:44Don't ask me.
14:46I'm new around here.
14:49Don't play dumb with me, sister.
14:51I happen to be an expert at that.
14:54Okay.
14:56Okay.
14:56I'll tell you what you want to hear.
14:58But in private.
15:00Come on into the back room.
15:02Yeah, that's a good idea.
15:03The two of you go in the back room.
15:05Because Zelda and I got a lot of talking to do.
15:08Bye-bye.
15:17You got a humor, Max.
15:18Poor boy.
15:19He thinks he's a spy.
15:21He is.
15:22And he thinks you two girls are spies, too.
15:26We are.
15:28I'm a spy, too.
15:30Really?
15:31You don't look like one.
15:33Nancy, stop stalling.
15:34What's so important about this black book?
15:36Horace?
15:37Atta boy, Max.
15:45Don't take no for an answer.
15:47Maybe loosen up.
15:49See?
16:10Nancy and Max are having fun.
16:11Hey, why do you get the Wild Broads and I get the Clams?
16:16Not now, Sid.
16:16I'm busy.
16:27Max, what are you doing with the gun?
16:29They're all spies, Sid.
16:30Now shoot the first one that moves.
16:33I know they're all spies, Max.
16:34But I'm not a spy.
16:37I'm your old Sergeant, Sid.
16:40You wouldn't shoot me, would you, Corporal?
16:42Of course not, Sergeant.
16:44Good.
16:49Sorry, old buddy, but I had to save you from yourself.
16:52What started all this?
16:54That book is ours.
16:55Oh.
16:55Well, he's got a red one anyway.
17:00No hard feelings, okay?
17:02Okay.
17:03No hard feelings.
17:04No hard feelings.
17:04Sid, what happened?
17:28Boy, you started some fight back there.
17:30I got you out of a jam.
17:31Boy, you can get in trouble carrying a gun, old buddy.
17:34You don't understand.
17:35I'm a control agent.
17:36Well, you certainly lost control back there.
17:39The book.
17:40The little black book.
17:41What happened to the book, Sid?
17:42Max, address books are a dime a dozen.
17:45Don't tell me you gave him the book.
17:46I gave him the book.
17:47I asked you not to tell me that.
17:50Wait a minute, Sid.
17:51You never forget a number.
17:52Do you remember, Nancy's?
17:53I got it right up here, pal.
17:55Good.
17:55Now, with that number, I'll be able to trace the girls.
17:58And when I find the girls, I'll find chaos.
17:59And when I find chaos, I'll find that little black book.
18:02Right?
18:03Wrong.
18:03Wrong?
18:04What do you mean, wrong?
18:05I'm not going to give you that number.
18:07You caused those girls enough trouble.
18:08Sid, you have got to give me that number.
18:11Our whole national security depends upon it.
18:14If I have that number, I may be able to save America from a terrible catastrophe.
18:18Well, good.
18:18You save America.
18:19I got to get me abroad.
18:21I'm so lonely.
18:24All right, Sid.
18:25I didn't want to do this.
18:26I didn't want to do it.
18:27But you're forcing me into it.
18:34I'm going to prove to you that this is important.
18:41Hello, Chief.
18:42I'm sorry to wake you at this hour.
18:46Well, you see, a friend of mine thinks I'm crazy.
18:48Yeah, get away from me there, please.
18:49Boy, that's some ride for a dime.
19:13Telephone company know about this.
19:16Oh, hi, Max.
19:18Hi, 99.
19:19I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.
19:21Sid, this is 99.
19:23Her name is 99?
19:25I'm happy to meet you, Sid.
19:26I get it, you old fox.
19:32What are you talking about?
19:34Hey, I don't blame you.
19:36If I had something that looked like that, I'd keep her under lock and key.
19:41You should come, sister.
19:44Uh-oh.
19:46Now we're in for it.
19:47Here comes our old man.
19:49Don't be ridiculous.
19:50That's the chief.
19:51Hi, Chief.
19:52This better be important, Max, getting me down here in the middle of the night.
19:56Well, you see, Chief, it's like this.
20:00My buddy Sid here came from out of town to visit me,
20:02and he found the information that Matusik left in my apartment.
20:06It was a little black phone book, so he gave it to a couple of chaos agents
20:08because, well, he thought it was just a little black phone book.
20:11Now he won't give me Nancy's number
20:12because he doesn't believe that I'm a control agent.
20:15He thinks I'm crazy.
20:16So I had to bring him down here
20:18so that you could tell him that I'm a control agent and I'm not crazy.
20:21Chief, tell him I'm a control agent and I'm not crazy.
20:24Well, would you tell him I'm a control agent?
20:28Control agent.
20:29There you are, Sid.
20:30You see, I'm a control agent, and so is the chief, and so is 99.
20:34Now, do you understand?
20:36I understand.
20:37You're all bananas.
20:39I don't think we can convince him, Chief.
20:41Why don't you try the hotline?
20:42Hey, that's a great idea, Chief.
20:44Try the hotline to the White House.
20:46Not at this time of the morning.
20:48Absolutely impossible.
20:49I've only got three years of retirement.
20:51But, Chief, this is an emergency.
20:52If you don't call, I will.
20:54I'll call.
21:03Good morning, sir.
21:05It is important, sir.
21:08Yes, sir.
21:08I know I have only three years to retirement, but...
21:11Well, sir, this friend of Agent Smart's...
21:14Sorry, sir.
21:15Anyway, his friend has a phone number that could help us crack chaos wide open,
21:22but he won't give us the number because he doesn't believe we're who we are.
21:26Yes, sir, you can talk to him.
21:27He wants to talk to you.
21:31What is this?
21:32Dial a cow?
21:35I'll make you feel at home.
21:36Hello.
21:45Yeah.
21:46Oh, sure.
21:47Oh, sure you are.
21:48Yeah, wonderful.
21:49And I'm Sidney Bird.
21:52Oh, fine.
21:53Sure.
21:55You're who?
21:55Well, do you believe us now, Sid?
22:14What are you standing around for?
22:19Let's get the barbecue on the road.
22:21You, old man.
22:23Four coffee and Danish.
22:25And you, Matt a Harry.
22:26A map and a phone book.
22:28And you, dummy.
22:29A pencil and a paper.
22:30Come on, hurry up.
22:31Let's move it.
22:31Move it.
22:34Listen, I gotta tell you guys something.
22:37I never met him,
22:39but I use his baby powder.
22:44Relax, Sid.
22:50Sit down.
22:51Make yourself comfortable.
22:52This won't take long.
22:52I'll be back in a couple hours.
22:54What do you mean?
22:54I'm going along.
23:01Don't be ridiculous.
23:02This kind of a job
23:03calls for a man
23:04with a cool head,
23:06steel nerves,
23:07and fantastic reflexes.
23:10Listen, Alex.
23:11I think you better let me go along.
23:14Smart's in there, all right.
23:23Yes, the maestro was right.
23:24He's going after that little black book.
23:27He's going to have to settle
23:28for a little black box.
23:29I need him to make this week's quota.
23:33I don't understand you, Sid.
23:34I'm a secret agent.
23:35I have to go.
23:36But what's your angle?
23:38What do you mean,
23:38what's my angle?
23:40I want to defend my country, too.
23:41And you happen to be my buddy.
23:43And besides,
23:44I happen to know
23:45that every secret agent
23:46gets all the broads.
23:49You're not going.
23:50That's it.
23:50Forget it.
23:51That's final.
23:52You're not going.
23:53Okay.
23:54If you don't take me along,
23:55I'm going to spill everything
23:56I know about control headquarters.
23:58All right.
23:58You can go.
23:59But no gun.
24:02Here.
24:03You're liable to get trigger-happy
24:05and get your full head shot off.
24:07Oh, great thinking, Max.
24:08Great.
24:09Without a gun,
24:10I'm a sitting duck.
24:12That makes one sitting duck
24:14and one dead duck.
24:16Freaky Hudson.
24:18That makes one sitting duck
24:22ік.
24:22Oh, great.
24:22THE END
24:52THE END
25:22THE END
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